Our Adoption; Up to now.

We are at the exciting stage of the process. We have been “approved” to be parents by the US government – a good thing for our bio child. We have been accepted by our social worker. We have been accepted by Chinese Authorities. We have a document that says his name, our name and the Chinese Authority stamp. We have been invited to travel to China. We are waiting for our consulate appointment date. Once we have the consulate date we will start booking flights and hotels.

There were many surprises along the way. First, who knew this would be a journey of years, not months. And it is still a journey years shorter than those seeking non-sn children. Our first agency meeting was 10/06. From the log in date (LOI) with China, to actually accepting a referral, was six months longer than expected; our hope was for 2/07, but didn’t happen until 12/07. Waiting for the letter of Acceptance (LOA) from China was brutal! From 12/07 to 5/29/08.

During this period, the wait for the LOA, on many occasions, I thought my world was collapsing. Each day I was hopeful that maybe this week we’d hear something. Each Friday I would come to the realization that nothing had happened. At first it wasn’t bad, I justified it by thinking that it was still early in the process. By the end I wanted to drop our agency (I wasn’t rational and needed someone to blame). I read another mom’s description of this waiting tension, and it was spot on. It’s like you are an elastic band and each day you stretch a bit. Toward the end I didn’t think I could stretch anymore. I was tight (but never thin!). Yet I stretched a bit more every day for five full months. Then the email came from the agency, they received our LOA. All the stretch was gone, I was just slack, laying on the floor. From here, I could start to plan.

Surprise - It’s a boy. When the referral came and it was a boy, it was a surprise. Really who ever heard of adopting a boy baby from China? Due to the one child policy, boys are typically the more cherished offspring. Socially, it is the sons that become the social welfare for the elderly. When a woman is married, she joins her husband family and is responsible for the care of his family, not her own. Accordingly, if families are only allowed one child, a boy is economically preferred. This was a rather simple explanation, but it covers the salient points. So if you are adopting through the regular China program, I would estimate it is 99.9% baby girls. However, when you move into the sn program, the ratio changes toward 50/50 boys/girls. The boys in the sn program often have a physical need that either the parents were unable to care for, unable to afford the treatment for, and/or had a physical deformity considered bad luck. Luck in China is taken very seriously. It is not one where a person has a bit of bad luck, i.e., born without a finger, and others ignore it. It is considered such bad luck the mother may be abandoned by the father. If on the streets, no one help her and the child. It is different. Well, when we got the call, I had already been buying baby girl clothes on sale. I have already given those away. But a Boy! Somehow, when I was told our referral was a boy, it just felt totally appropriate; an unexpected surprise that totally fits our family.

Surprise - our new guy has friends. If you are a waiting adoptive parent, there are a few yahoo groups I would recommend for gathering information, support and general knowledge. First there is a group for adopting toddlers; not China specific, but good active group. Second, search for a yahoo group on what ever your child's sn may be. There is a truly amazing group for cleft lip/palette. It is very active, no question too big or too small. The group has a lot of people with older kids who have btdt and can add perspective as well as those parents in the early throws of activity that provide up-to-date info. This is also not China specific, which I actually think helps the group. Finally, you can search for a yahoo group by the name of the orphanage (or Social Welfare Institute, SWI) with which you have matched.

One day my agency sent me two updated photos of our new son. In one of these photos he was standing with a friend. A couple days later I was checking out the group for my orphanage and a mom had posted that they were leaving in 10 days, to check out her blog. I went to the blog, where she has posted her referral photo and immediately recognize the child as my guys' friend. Amazing!! Within days she connected me to another mom that had sent a video camera for the nannies to take video of her daughter. She had video with our son in it. In the video our son has rice taken away from him and he cries, is picked up and put in the corner, and whines. It is heartbreaking. But, I know he likes rice and will complain if treated unfairly. I got to see the nannies interact with him, they keep videoing the other child but call out to him trying to engage him. I get to see the orphanage is really quite clean and bright. There is a lack of toys and bedding. But its not a nightmare scenario at all. Both of these mom's have gone and picked up their children in recent months, and their blogs really taught me a lot. But those pictures are priceless. One lives just a coupled states away and I totally look forward to keeping our children in touch! The other is on the other side of the country, so it will be a harder process.

This week we got one more surprise, three other families are traveling with us. All the families from the same agency, but we are visiting two different regions in China, and coming together in GZ for the final processing. One family is bringing their older child (4, also from China) and I think this will be good for my 3 ½ year old. I think we are all picking up sn kids. Very cool to have a group.

I am still slightly worried. Just stupid mommie stuff. Worried that with the Olympics, what if they decide to make us wait till august? What if Tibet stuff blows up (ok, my pet peeve, why is no one is fighting about the one child policy?)?

On the smaller worry scale - What if ds or dh hate the trip? What if we can’t stand the people we travel with? Honestly, I feel up for dealing with any of these.

Some worries are irrational – What if dh gets hit by a bus, can I still go get the new one without him? What if we get there and someone else already got our kid? Like I said these are the irrational worries.

Some worries are more real, less concrete and I try not to think about them. I worry about whether I can be a good mom to two? Can I both work and mother effectively? How will I instill the necessary love and confidence in my children that they go forth and conquer? Can my marriage share more space with another child? Can we keep our every other Saturday date night? What if new son doesn’t like us?

I don’t know the answers, but I’m willing to try. And, I know I can love. I hope that is a happy enough conclusion for which to end today’s post.