Silliness

Today was a silly day. DS2 kept saying/doing the most amusing stuff.

First, we were talking about something and he asked, "Is it as big as a monster?" To which I replied, "As big as a good sized monster". "As big as a bad sized monster?" was the next question.

Then in the tub the boys had blue paint/soap. They were making hand prints on the side of the tub when DS2 said, "Look we made hand paws".

These silly things make me laugh. They also make me hungry for DS2 to start talking. However, he gets his points in as silly too. Today the boys were marching around the house making funny noises, kind of chanting behind one another. DS2 was so happy to participate, so happy to have his older brother boss him around and include him in the game.

So nothing big, just sharing our silliness.

EBay motivated by Chinese New Year

Did you know you can sell anything on EBay? I didn't and now I'm rather excited about it!

Last weekend I started cleaning closets. Motivated by Chinese New Year. While its been too cold to drag the boys to Chinatown, I'll likely make a trip myself this week and pick up dragons, red scrolls (the ones from San Fran are already up) and other assorted Chinese New Year stuff (I also have yet to break out the dragon kite we picked up when we picked up DS2). There are a few Chinese New Year traditions I really like; (1) you must clean to celebrate the New Year so the bad spirits leave, (2) also use firecrackers or bang pots, which the boys will do at some point to get the spirits movint and (3) the house should be filled with aspicious flowers. With these, you start the year in order and attract good fortune.

I also like that Chinese New Year is a celebration for 2 weeks. The Chinese take the celebration very serious. The manufacturing shuts down and everyone heads off to be with family. Even my new toy production is suspended for two weeks as my factor is shut for the holiday. It oddly makes me happy that I'm supporting the leave for the New Year and not imposing Western scheduling. I like that there is two weeks to think about attracting good fortune and clearing out the muck.

So, I attacked the closets in the order of those that I could no longer enter. I guess you need a slight explanation. We live in a pre-war building, built in 1938. (another day I might explain the ghost of Marge, the prior tenant that I quite like) Prior to WWI, apartments in NYC had closets. During the war, it was decided that the richest people had the most closets; a tax was enacted inwhich you paid according to how many closets you had. In NYC apartment buildings built in the 20 years post WWI had no closets. Thus one of the attractions to pre-War.

We have closets; 2 in the boys room, 2 in our room, 3 in the entry/pantry and an emergency exit we have coverted into the broom closet. All are walk-in closets. When I can't walk into a closet, it is really overflowing or completely messy. Ours was a combination of both. And a DH that is unable to throw anything out, so I do it when him and the boys are not looking.

Well, it was time for the crib, the bassenet, our first stroller (with basenet attachment), a play "yard" (yeah, these were politically incorrectly called "play pens" when I was growing up), and assorted bibs and burp clothes that I thought I'd give away (Nicole expect a package). DH eyes lit up, it all went on Ebay, and today it all sold for >$1,000! I love to give things to charity, but hey, we got some folks got a good deal on some high end stuff that we abused for 2-3 years that is bringing back in about half their value, and I'm not yet bringing in an income. All good!

So, Happy New Year! And I've just listed some Gucci rain boots that I bought in a moment of peer pressure that I've only worn four times!

Foster Care Update

I generally have come to grips with the fact that I won't know much about my sons first two years of life. But then I suddenly received word through the mommy network that he was in foster care. I contacted the group that organized it, and it is true, they sent me photos of him with his foster family in China. The parents look happy, DS2 looks in shock as he does in most all of his early photos. They are an older couple, I would guess professional foster parents.

This is a good thing; him having had foster care. I am grateful, but it is still the birth mother that sits in my consciousness, not as much the foster family. But, the foster family is doing a great thing, and I know my son is not easy, so he was likely not terribly easy on them either! But gaining knowledge of this event late, knowledge of his foster care that is, creates a need to reexamine early assumptions, early dialog, and creates a lack of trust in having known anything. And yes, its a pisser, I'm mad that there is so little information! Does it ever go away?

I have photos of him with the family pre-lip surgery (which was followed by palette surgery 7 months later). Typically kids are only returned to the orphanage within a few weeks of our adopting him. But the organization that had sponsored his foster care can't even confirm the exact foster dates. Additionally, I reached out to our adoption agency, and they are shocked to learn that he was in foster care this much, let alone at all. The photos are taken at the orphanage on his monthly visits, only a few photos, not from every monthly visit.

It is this re-examination of all our assumptions that is interesting. I told DS2 that DS1 had lived with a family before us and that it was a surprise to me, but a good thing. It was a Chinese family and that I had a photo of them together. "I thought tonight we could all look at it" I said. DS1 responded, "Don't show it to him. He'll want to go back to China and live with them." Breaks my heart, but I responded, "I don't think so. I think he wants to be with us now, but I think he also might be happy to see the people from his past." Together we showed him the photo. DS2 smiles, he is happy to see them. He points at himself and say his name. I ask who are the others, he says "Mama, Baba" . He keeps the photo for quite some time.

It is weird to hear your son call someone else Mama. DS1 never called the sitter anything but her name and she's been with us for almost four years. DS2 calls the sitter her name. But to hear him call the Chinese Foster mom called mama is a weird sensation. It doesn't make me sad, it doesn't necessarily make me happy. It is just a bit interesting/weird. It is generally ok.

DS1 was glad DS2 didn't want to return to China. DS2 likes to look at the photo every time I show it to him. DH is just pissed that there is such a lack of information and thinks there is a conspiracy to keep us in the dark. I'm adjusting to the changed reality. I'm rewriting the story I tell the boys, DS1 asks to hear it, but I view this all as practice for when DS2 starts asking. And now six months post adoption, I think it is time to start building the adoption scrap book for DS2. And to build the book for me. This is our changed reality. We are together now. It was the path unexpected by all.

P.S. If you wish to sponsor foster care for a child, please visit www.altrusa.ws. When my toy hits the market in April, you'll hear more about where a portion of the profits are going.

Race Awareness

I've drafted this entry a few times and never come up with a complete group of thoughts that make sense. However two things happened today that made me want to revisit the topic; a comment from DS2 and an article on Michelle Obama.

First, the boys and I were watching their night time before bed cartoon, and it showed fireworks. It wasn't the first time DS2 saw fireworks, but it was the first time he saw them represented in a cartoon, so he asked what they were. I, "they are fireworks, they were made from gun powder and other things, they were invented by the Chinese. Do you know anyone Chinese?" DS2 looked at me and shook his head no. I pointed at DS1 and DS2 blurted out, "DS2 invented fireworks?" Not the connection I was totally shooting for, but it was funny that DS2 doesn't see DS1 as Chinese.

Second, I was reading an article on Michelle Obama which cited a comment she made along the lines of she didn't really feel Black until she went to college. The point was, she grew up surrounded by Blacks, and not in a white neighborhood, so race was in the back ground, not in the forefront, and she didn't really feel the impact of being "seen" as Black on a day in-day out basis until college.

I like visiting Chinatown in NYC. It is a little off the grid system, a little off the grid. There are streets that twist and turn and suddenly end. The region blends into other parts of the city, like little Italy and city hall. The temples are open and easy to spot. The restaurants are plentiful and the fruits and veggies always fresh. In NYC, there are people who live in Chinatown, that never leave it and never learn English. But, that doesn’t keep the gringos out. We still wander in. And generally I find people friendly even though it is obvious I may be viewing them a bit like I view a museum or zoo. They view me shopping in their stores, either with or without the boys and also view me a bit like I walked in from the wilderness and I'm different. But I never really feel uncomfortable. We are on equal ground, in that we both know I'm the intruder but I'm there because of something great; food, atmosphere, product, etc.

I don’t feel as comfortable in Harlem or Spanish Harlem. I feel like the relationship is not as authentic. And on occasion I do have the opportunity to wander through these hoods as well. There are shops I like and things I wish to see. However, while life may be as economically challenged as Chinatown, as ethnically alone and not integrated, I find the atmosphere is less friendly. In Spanish Harlem I blend. But I feel like an impostor. I look the role, but I don't share the same common experience (there are few Puerto Ricans raised in Idaho) and my biggest personal disappointment I don't really share the language. My appearance is a cover that I feel is insincere.

In Harlem, I don’t blend. I feel it is a more hostile environment. There are frankly less reasons for me to be there as Harlem is not known for being friendly. I am completely aware that I am in the minority there. But there I feel like I'm more likely to be viewed as white, as I'm light skinned, but I'm uncomfortable with that. In my mind, I am Hispanic/Latina. In both Harlem's, I stay alert and head where I'm going and don't wander into too many of the shops.

I don’t know where this entry really wants to go, but I'd like to note that I love living in a city where I can feel like and insider and jump on the train and then feel like an outsider. And maybe I feel both because of my own historical context. Which is where the mind starts to wander.... in which neighborhoods will my boys feel like insiders and where will they feel like outsiders? Could I change that perception if we spent more time out and about the city?

I think it is also good to be able to visit one another on each cultures' own turf. Books are great, but seeing is believing. There is something to be said for the sight, sound, smell and electricity of a location. In books it is interpreted by others, in a visit it is interpreted by you, but colored by your experience and your historical context. On visit with multiple people on the trip will be remembered and processed in a multitude of ways.

It is amazing how many cultures live together in NYC without being able to speak to one another, off the top of my head I can think of at least 5-6 different cultures I like to visit on occasion; Chinatown, Little Italy, Korean Town, Indian, Spanish Harlem, Brighton Beach (Russian), let alone those cultures between like lower west or lower east side. I hate that we segregate and don’t visit one another more often. But I also love that we segregate and maintain the individual cultures. Without the cultural distinctions, would I want to visit/learn?

Is this about the boys. Yeah, I’m willing to drag them anywhere. They pick up the vibe and get as involved as a situation allows them. It is fun to see DS1 introduce his brother to the Chinese clerks as " this is my brother but he doesn't talk much yet". It is interesting that both boys hold tight to my hand in some neighborhoods. It is funny that DS1 and DS2 understand Spanish but presume those around us speaking it don't understand English. I like the look of surprise on their faces when the person switches languages and addresses them.

I don’t like when people pay too much attention to the boys due to the color of their skin. I don’t know what people think when they see us running around. And to the white men of the world, you should know the guys that give us a seat on the bus or the subway are always the men of color. But hey, its good to start to address the multiplicity of this crazy world together. I hope the world keeps changing. I hope I will feel more comfortable being a minority in more places. I hope the boys never stop exploring. And yeah, no matter what our neighborhood, our office, our community, we need to continue to mix it up. But I will wonder for years, and I'm not sure I'll ever know the answers; will the boys blend/fit anywhere, where will they not, and will they actually care?

6 months

Today is our six month anniversary, DS2 and I. Really DS2 and the family, but I'm celebrating DS2 and I. Damn right its personal.

I love him, he loves me. It feels like he has always been here. I'm tempted to say it feels like he came yesterday, but that is not true, when he came it was hell. Life turned upside down. Breathing became hard but necessary. My heart was ripped from my body and has yet to be returned. I cry too much.

Six months ago a tiny child walked in the hotel door holding hands with a nanny, with the sun streaming behind him, and he looking shut down. I clung to one child (DS1) as I watched the elevator doors close stopping my view of the other (DS2) as he went to the meeting room. An arranged marriage was about to happen. I held myself open to possibility and he walked into the next chapter of his life without choice.

Six months ago I was shocked by his weight, his birthmark, his humongous head, his blisters and tears. Today I love his birthmark, his humongous head, his gorgeous fingers and toes, his ability to blow snot when he is mad, his open mouth kisses which include sucking on my chin, and his giggle.

I have learned that I'm not a bad person, but I'm not the person I want to be. I want to be more patient, more loving, more educated, more silly. Beyond me, I also want it all, talking, silly, play, love, peace, for him.

In the last six months DS1 has taught me to be a better family member and how to love DS2. I have learned that being a good family member is just getting on with it. Where you come from, what your age, differences, it all just really doesn't matter, just get on with it. DS1 has taught me to love because you can, you should, and it is received. DS1 taught me that there are ways to laugh at all of us during every period, even when the family is expanding and my heart and head are exploding. I love DS1 more because he taught me so much as DS2 came into our lives. I love DS2 because DS1 has shown me the way.

DS2 is teaching me that stubbornness can be a virtue. DS2 is teaching me to be more creative. DS2 is teaching me by example how to attempt to learn, absorb and try anything, no matter the smell, difficulty or challenge. DS2 is teaching me that I don't want to be color blind, I want to be color aware and celebrate what we share, what we offer one another.

I am a stronger, better person for living the last six months of my life. I think DH, DS1 and DS2 are as well. I look back and can't believe how difficult it all was. Not just the last six months, but also the two year process required to reach the last six months. This has definitely been the most difficult six months of my life. I have cried till the tears were gone. I have been angry at things I can't control. I have questioned my beliefs about the world and why I am here. I have lost hope and found it again. I have loved where nothing was returned. I have been blessed with an unexpected love that I thought would never arrive. I have gained a greater understanding of who I am as a person, woman, mother and wife - and it is not where I want to be, but not bad and I know I can grow. I have learned to relish a full night's sleep.

Have I learn something, am I happy with the outcome, can an arranged marriage work, did this experience strengthen the family, was it really that bad, would I do it again?

Yes.

Being Hopeful isn't a crime

I don't know if it is me, or the people in my immediate world, but hope isn't a crime. Today I listened to President Obama's speech twice. On purpose. I got something out of it each time, something different each time. The first time with DS1 watching it live. The second time with both boys and friends after wine.

It strikes me that President Obama is trying to include everyone, and trying to change our thoughts about our individual ability to effect the future. The future is not caste in stone, we are to rise up and own it, no matter where we are starting from. We should strive to take care of one another as well as our planet. I'm not blind, I am not deaf, I see and hear these things in his speeches. It also strikes me that there are people that only want to be part of a fringe movement and have trouble with his trying to include everyone. Wow. Who knew needing to be part of the fringe would become so important that progress for the whole would not be a worthy cause?

Why this on a parenting/adoption blog you may ask. Fair question. Because tonight a couple people who just met me, just met the boys tried to tell me that it was I that was influencing them into the "good" boys that they were tonight. While my ego would love to say yes, and I do think that teaching them rules and boundaries is important for them to learn what behaviour is acceptable and how to monitor themselves, I totally don't want to under serve what each of them bring to the table which is so much greater than my coaching. My coaching is only to try and bring out their best, unfortunately as defined by my definition of good, which is colored by societal norms.

I look at President Obama, and I think the nay-sayers are doing the same thing. Totally underestimating what he is bringing to the table, which is a desire to engage all parties. Frankly, this might fail. I often tell myself that an argument is only worth having if the other participants are willing to listen. But, kudos for his trying. And yeah, I want to believe it will work.

The boys observe and absorb the world around us. I'm thrilled that today they gained a President that calls for us to take care of one another. It may only be an ideal. He may not succeed in historical retrospective 100 years from now. But today I am glad to have a man in office that at least can articulate a dream could be a fantastic reality, a dream that we can share in our household, a dream that I can teach and will teach on an individual level.

Where is the inspiration, typically I'd say in my kids. Tonight I will say it is also in those million plus people that thought waiting in 30 degree weather to hear a new president speak about having a dream to collaborate and a president that has the courage to collaborate with everyone if they show a willingness, their collective hope also inspires me.

Chinatown visit in San Fran

While in San Fran, I had a few hours off for which I planned a trip to Chinatown. It was just a couple blocks from my hotel. I had done my Internet searches for the main streets and the key points of interest. Overall I found the guide books kept tourist in the highly touristy areas and out of the daily life of San Fran’s Chinatown. There were only nick-knack shops and tacky expensive restaurants.

As I do when I'm out doing photo shoots of new locations, I started following a little old lady with shopping bags. I find the same old lady around the world; the skirt just below the knee in a shade of grey or black, flat back orthopedic shoes, baggy hose, sweater of a solid and dark color (even in the summer) and a body that is perfectly cylinder is shape.

While the main heart of San Fran Chinatown runs along two main streets, basic grid system, she, my unknowing tour guide, was veering into various alleys for little things; fruit one place, fish another. I ventured into a tiny shop, a small as my my kitchen, that was selling the red scrolls for Chinese New Year. There where hundreds and with many different Chinese characters. An older woman was tending the shop. I said "Ni Hou", she returned in generally clear English, “hello”.

I asked if all the scrolls were for Chinese New Year. She said yes and wanted to know if I wanted to bring good fortune and wealth in the New Year. Yes, please. But add happiness, health and love to the mix please. She went to work on identifying the best scrolls for me. A man who looked to be 500 years came in and they exchanged pleasantries in Mandarin and both started discussing the best scrolls. In the end, they thought I should add wealth to my message also. The old man, without speaking English, explained that the one in the middle must be hung in the diamond position, not square. And upside down would welcome the opportunities to me, but right side up was ok as well. The whole process took over 20 minutes. I braced myself and asked how much……$1.80.

American Express, I love your commercials, but; an experience to remember, care by others put into my future and attracting the right karma, joy in watching a thousand year old tradition, and getting to participate,……$1.80, paid in cash.

Update on Hearing

While I was away, DS2 had his post surgical hearing test. It went well. He is hearing better and he is taking the test better, responding to sounds when asked to. What was amusing out of the prognosis, is that DH is not hearing the higher pitched sounds anymore. DS2 was hearing things that Daddy did not. Go Kiddo!

Snow day

Today was a snow day in the city. Even as I write tonight, it is snowing again. The boys were generally in good spirits today, but it is hard for them to be inside so much. It is hard for me to get them in and out off snow suits too much.

This morning we cooked in breakfast, well, DH decided he was going to cook. He started pulling out supplies, asking me where various things were, and the boys rushed the kitchen to cook. DH announced, "everyone out of the kitchen!" Like that was going to happen.

With the step ladder out, I helped the boys on with their aprons and set them up to do things DH needed for his omelet making. One obvious task was breaking eggs and DS2 showed us that he has been watching. He held the bowl in one and cracked the egg on the opposite rim of the bowl. But, then he crushed the egg in his hand once it was cracked. I tried to tell/explain/show him not to crush, but three eggs later he still had not digested the message. DS2 then demonstrated. But I honestly think the crushing action will take a bit of time to correct.

DS1 is taking swim lessons, and the place where he takes his lesson has family swim on Sundays. We all headed to the pool today. DS2 really hasn't been in a pool since China. He was intrigued and wants to follow DS1 anywhere and everywhere. However, he was a bit intimidated by the pool at first. He clung to me for the first 10 minutes. But as he looked around and saw everyone playing, and no fellow clingers, and he acquiesced into really having fun.

DS1 is swimming a good 10 feet now; as far as one breath will take him, as he hasn't figured out the breathing part. DS1 would float on his back, which he does well with no support, and DS2 would want to try. DS1 would swim and DS2 would reach out ready to try. I love the bravado, maybe that is not the right thought, but at least the inspiration that watching DS1 brings to DS2.

There was an Asian woman there swimming laps when we first arrived. She stopped and watched me with DS2 for quite some time. I was tempted to try and chat with her, but I didn't. Trying to have an informal chat quietly is impossible in a public pool with a child splashing in your arms. I don't know what she thought or why she chose to watch. I'm going to assume it was because I look so awesome in my swim suit and DS2 and I's skin color matches so well. It is not often that I feel like we are drawing any significant attention beyond what cute kids draw, but there was a story in this woman's look. A story that I don't know.

And one more new step for DS2 today, he really enjoyed taking a shower with me after the swim. So far he has been content to watch me shower. He does love the bathtub. He also has had a shower or two with either DH or I holding him, but he till now has been very reluctant (screaming) that we do not put him down in the shower. Today, he was willing to let my body block the water and reach around me to touch it. I was surprised, but when I turned it off, he asked for it back on.

These are all simple things, breaking (really crushing) an egg, stepping up to the pool challenge and accepting a shower. But his willingness to try has improved. He didn't even have to be cajoled from screaming and tears to participation. He needed slight cajoling on the pool, but there were no tears involved. I'm amazed at the progress. So often I feel like the progress is minimal, but then there is a day like today where I wonder how long this child has been waiting to reveal himself. We are getting there.

home again, home again, remind me why I missed it?I

I guess I was missed, because they all had shit ready to throw at me when I walked in the door.

I arrived about 1:30 am Friday night (Saturday morning) and before 8 am Saturday morning the boys were in our room. First thing in the morning, DS2 was looking at me but refused to let me touch him. Eventually he gave in to a major tantrum, that ended with me needing to hold him for the next couple hours. DH decided he is freaked out about our spending and in my opinion, poorly choose to bring up the topic just after 90 minutes of me being home and awake. Did he really think it wasn't on my mind. Did he not notice I just spent a week on the West Coast trying to start up my business. And this comes from a man who doesn't balance his check book (I'm not sure he has one, and doesn't run our bills). DS1 wanted me to take him to swim class, but I really needed to stay with DS2, so that lead to a beautiful pout for a while.

So today I spent the day cleaning the kitchen where I found four pieces of bread that were so thick with mold they looked like half a loaf. DH said, "just didn't notice". Had the wonderful opportunity to wipe DS1's butt after a couple poopies. Cleaned up the boys room, including putting away dirty clothes, and clean clothes. Decided I wanted to take back a closet, so I assembled and then took photos of our crib/bassinet, our first stroller that is beat to hell but still taking it and a play yard, so DH can list on EBay. Normally I would take them to a shelter or other charity. Right now a buck counts: that sucks.

The week away was good for my consulting business. It gave my DH a scare into what things cost and our spend. But I did miss the boys and prefer to work from the city. I feel like the house is generally in order. I'm sure DH will appreciate how I'm tying to bring in work and will bring in work shortly. But there were moments today when I was ready to run away. I'm sure tomorrow will be better. I have passion for life, I'm excited about the consulting and the progress I see in DS2. Things will get better I'm sure. If all else fails at least my period will pass and my hormones will stabilize for a week or two. So I'm hoping tomorrow is a great day back at home.

Calls from the road

Definitely part of parenting that is hard is that toddlers, particularly DS2 who isn't clearly talking, can't tell me what they need, what they want, what is working and what isn't. And as a parent, I do things for the boys even if it is hard for me. Phone calls home, while on the road, go in this category.

While I have been on the road this week, I've been calling home to talk to the boys. I believe this important; it lets them know I am still alive, still care, and still plan on coming home. But I also wonder what they get out of it. If they are having fun with a toy or each other, I can hear them telling the sitter they don't want to talk to me. Frankly, this is a crushing blow to me. But DS1 usually will eventually take the phone. Once on the phone, instead of saying he's having fun or misses me, or doesn't miss me, I get random silly comments like, "are you fooling around?" "Are you hitting your poopy buttocks (thank you DH for the vocabulary lessons)?" "When are you coming home?"

I try to explain I'm off working. I ask about their day, school, friends. I share stories, like if I saw a firetruck or something interesting. Then I hang up and just miss them badly and feel like a shitty parent for not being there. Even worse, but it is better to know than not, is to hear the reports from DH and the sitter that DS2 is running around the house asking for "moma". That he searches my bedroom office for me each time he comes into the house. When DS2 takes the phone, he tells me stories I don't understand and gives the phone kisses. I know he misses me, but seeing/hearing the evidence is painful. I miss him too.

Being on the road is not all bad. I get to take a long shower without anyone watching me or asking questions. I get to go poop without having a conversation with a toddler about what I'm doing. I sleep without worrying that every sound in the night is one of the boys needing help. I get to eat my food while it is hot. However, I miss them greatly. I always carry pictures and look at them often.

Foster Care

I've said this before, I will say it again, but there are so many things we will never know about DS2's history. Today I received unexpected, unsought news that is mind blowing. DS2 was in foster care for some time before joining us.

I had written to the yahoo group of DS2's orphanage in search of another little boy that was DS2' roommate. I have photos and wanted to share them with the other mom. I was not sure how long they had been roommates, but they look cute together in their matching dresses (yes, we need to donate more boy clothes). In the email I also used DS2's Chinese name and adoption timing.

This morning unexpectedly, another woman wrote to the sight that she knew the mom, but she also though my son had been in foster care. I contacted one of the coordinators of the foster care program, and yes, DS2 was in foster care. I don't have the details, but a few reports from that time are now on their way to me. I'm hoping there are a few photos as well. I so far have an idea of when he went to live with the foster family, but not of when he came back to the orphanage to join us. It is common for the families to return the children a couple weeks before the adoptive parents come to pick up. It could have been as long as seven months.

Wow! This might explain the real mourning that occurred when he joined us. This might explain why he attached to our family quickly (although me first and for most). It might explain why he doesn't like it when we all put our coats on and he has to be assured he is coming with us.
Also, there is a family out there that may have had him in their lives longer than we have so far; wild.

The emotions are complex. DH is pissed. He can't believe the Chinese adoption authorities told us nothing about this. I am amazed our adoption agency new nothing about this. I am glad he had time outside of the orphanage. But it also is a hole in the information they provided us that is glaring. Was he well cared for? I assume they took the best care of him they could, but he was skinny when we got him and in the midst of a bizarre viral infection. Was he loved? We'll never know.

He is a bright, loving child that has a stubbornness and opinion all his own. These are his traits and everything he has experienced till now has assisted in shaping him. So yes, if there is more to learn about the early years, I want to learn it. But my frustration is the same, that the two years of precious time before he joined us is time which I have no control over what occurred, no understanding of circumstance, and will never really have the full information. I look forward to learning more next week. I need to start building a scrap book for him and put all the information in time frame so he has it if he wants it. I have no idea what this information will mean to him in time. Or what it will mean to me.

Sometimes the emotions are so much more complex then the words I have at my disposal to express them. Let alone actually knowing/labeling how I feel.

Super Nanny to the rescue

Among the things that DH and I disagree about, it is what is an enjoyable TV show. I happen to like Supper Nanny, he thinks it is pathetic. There is some delicious aspect of knowing I have a few parenting skills a bit more in shape than a another person on the planet, there is some delicious aspect of seeing someone else making all your same mistakes, but most of all there is joy is seeing a possible solution to a problem.

DS1 is a really good kid, but having a new brother has brought a bit of stress to us all. I think he needs more attention for the good and bad behavior. Also, now with two I'm less tolerant of daily irritants. One of Supper Nanny's tools is that she makes charts of what kids should be doing and then sticks with it and tracks them. It always works on the show. DH thinks it is the most stupid idea ever.

First I just made a list of things; being nice = no hitting, no kicking, etc. At the end of the day I would draw a star if DS1 achieved the goal. It worked, he liked the stars. But I didn't follow though with it every night. We both got bored. But then after a week of whining and not sharing that well, and another episode of Supper Nanny, I decided to plunge in whole hog and see if DS1 would get so excited about it that he would help me with it.

First we sat in my office and talked about things that he should do daily. Then we searched on the internet for pictures of people doing those things. We printed little pictures and taped them on a page in his new "Big Boy Book" which for some reason he now calls his "calendar". I've started with 7 items daily:

• brush teeth,
• pick up toys in bedroom before bed,
• wait nicely,
• follow instructions,
• use tissue not sleeve,
• no shouting,
• let mommie work in her office.

No more list of words, because he can't read. But he does get the pictures. He gets to put stickers on at the end of the day. We have special Sponge Bob and Monster stickers in a bag with the book, and bags of candy, for our evening gathering. If he gets 5 stickers, he and DS2 get one sour patch candy. If he gets all 7 stickers, he and DS2 get two candies each. Yeah I know there is a conflict with the candy before bed, but hey he is now happily brushing his teeth and telling daddy that he must help him clean up his room before mommie gets in there. And there is power in a threat! I'll be talking to the sitter, and DS1 interrupts, I hold up my hand and remind him that this is how he earns his "waiting nicely sticker" by waiting till we are done talking.

After 20 stickers, he (and his brother) gets to unwrap a present from a bag I drag out each night to show them what they are working for. These include silly noise makers and matchbox cars, etc, that I pick up for $1 or so each and gift wrapped. After 40 stickers, his choice was a surprise from the bag or lunch with mommie (solo, no DS2); he chose the surprise from the bag. After 60 stickers, the choice was a prize from the bag or a date with mommie and DH, he chose the surprise from the bag! While my ego is hurt, he is now helping me with the chores more and learning behavior that make me happy.

Last night when I called home, he reminded me that DH now is doing the calendar with him and he's getting all his stickers. I'm a little worried that DH may not be towing the line on making him earn the stickers, particularly 'letting mommie work'. But he also reminded me that when I get home, I promised we would build a new page with more items. He is suggesting I add 'not hitting/kicking', 'sharing', and 'eating breakfast'. Tell me this kid doesn't know right from wrong!

DH is now a believer. Frankly, both of us are shocked at how totally into this DS1 is, for really limited rewards. I'm shocked at how quickly he moderates his behaviour when I threaten the potential loss of one of the evening stickers, and he does occasionally lose one, or two, or three. The two stickers he loses the most are 'following instructions' and 'shouting', both usually loss to uncontrolled enthusiasm for whatever. With the next new page, I'm going to up the anti. I think it will be 40 stickers to get a prize. But now that he's bought into the system, the change will likely work. Also, DS2 sits with us and puts some of the stickers on and gets prizes as well. While we are only measuring DS1's behavior, I think DS2 is understanding the stickers are earned and helping in his way. Of course he only gets the prize that DS1 earns, no more.

So this entry goes down as just prattling on about a parenting technique that I gained from Supper Nanny, that takes a lot of parental effort, but works. Not like we don't already have enough to do!

What's that?

So I was picking up around the living room after the boys had been rough housing with daddy, and I noticed something wicked on the floor and said, "Yuuuck". DH said, "Sorry that happened this morning, or yesterday morning, I meant to clean it up." I can't even tell what the stuff smeared on the floor is, it looks disgusting! And he left it there for maybe two days? What planet is he from?

There are differences in how we view the word, but it always amazes me what we view as important within house work/kid work.

• When the boys wake up, I like to change DS2 diaper immediately, DH can let him walk into a diaper that is so wet it is falling of for a good 30 minutes.
• DH doesn't like the garbage to get full in the bathroom, but really doesn't mind that him and the boys sometimes "sprinkle" on the floor.
• DH cleans the kitchen sink until it sparkles but leaves the stove top and fridge door a mess.
• DH will scrub a a pan till it sparkles, but lets things, really his requested things, rot in the fridge until I notice the last three strawberries are not being eaten because there is fuzz growing on them.
• He will give the boys a bath without soap, let them go to bed with dirty faces, but still checks on them to make sure they are covered by blankets.

It is not that he is bad and I am good, we are actually both good. Its just different things are important to us in child/house care. I make the boys clean up their toys, DH seems unable to do this, but he does like the house picked up.

I guess this is on my mind because I'm on the road this week trying drum up some business for my new consulting effort. I'm gone Sunday night until Friday night. What will I be coming home to? I'm sure our day sitter will help out, but the boys are her priority rather than the house.

So back to the scum on the floor, once wet the mystery was solved, it was an old banana.

Small Departure from our household

We had a mouse. I kind of liked her presence. This week we caught and removed her. But she stays on my mind. I miss her. Yeah, I'm likely hormonal.

There is no reason to feel sad about the mouse. I decided the mouse was a "she" as she was (1) friendly, would run by when we were all hanging in the livingroom, (2) smart, every trap my husband put down she would run right passed, (3) wasn't living with us, I suspect we were just a transit apartment in her moves from one destination to another and (3) she was a really small mouse (I've lived in NYC a long time now, I've seen my share of rats and mice).

She first started appearing when the weather turned really cold in late October. DH and DS1 saw her first. It was the first time I ever heard DH shout "Oh My God", like a girl. When I asked what happen DH explained he saw a mouse. DS1 missed it, but caught how exciting this was and watched the radiator until he caught sight of her on her return run through later that evening. She'd run from the kitchen (under the stove) through the kitchen, across the livingroom to the radiator. Then a few hours later she'd run back. I figure both sites have room for a mouse to transit.

A few days later I saw her and frankly sized her up as a benign presence. She had things to do, places to be, she really didn't seem interested in us. I never found any evidence of damage like she was trying to eat things or nesting. I never found any mouse poop. Then there were no sightings for a month or so.

One night DH commented she was back and started putting out glue traps where the boys couldn't reach them. The next evening as we were relaxing we saw her approach and then run around the glue traps. The next day she made an appearance during DS2's speech therapy; thankfully I was the only one that noticed. But, that was the turning point. I didn't want others knowing I was harboring a mouse. I also figured at some point, at some level, this is very unhygienic for the boys.

Next, DH put out more glue traps, super sticky kind supplied by our Super, in her path, where the boys could reach them. Of course he told the boys not to touch them. No surprise, the boys did find out personally that the traps were super sticky. This lead to allowing the Super to bring up the exterminator.

The exterminator was a totally cool guy. He only wanted to put traps where the boys couldn't reach them, but that wasn't along her path. I was confident that the boys were sufficiently educated such that they wouldn't touch the new traps and convinced the exterminator. He put out new super-duper sticky traps that smelled of bananas. He looked behind my refrigerator and stove and confirmed she wasn't living with us as well as recovered a few lost spoons.

That evening I went out with a girl friend to see a movie, and when I returned, DH had the trap in the center of the room with our little lady stuck to it. Why he saved it to show me, is a mystery that can only be explained by a caveman gene. I sat there for a long time sad and apologizing. DH finally picked it up and sent her down the garbage compactor.

DS1 was aware of the traps and that they are now gone. He would get excited every time we caught a little bug or spider, have I mentioned before but for some reason we have a slight problem with ladybugs in our house, another harmless presence I've done nothing about, but in the spring they tend to attack one of our windows that face the park, but even today I found one on the plant in my office. I don't have the heart to tell him that we caught her. I can't answer any questions about where she went. I wanted to take her across the street to the park, but DH was convinced if I tried to pry her off she'd lose limbs.

I know, pathetic, this is what I have become.

Sibling view of Speech Therapy

DS1 is very aware that DS2 is receiving a lot of therapy. His view of therapy is that there are a few big people that come over regularly to play with DS2. But, I tell him, instead of just playing with DS2, they are trying to make him say words. Is he jealous? It is hard to tell, but I think a tiny little bit.

He may creep in the room to see what is going on during sessions. I'm even letting him sit in a bit if DS2 doesn't want to cooperate. This actually works well because if DS1 does what the therapist asks and gets a high-five or treat, then DS2 is more likely to do it as well. Yesterday as the therapist was leaving she gave me instructions on what sounds to work on and that she would like me to put aside a few toys in a box that DS2 is only allowed to play with during speech therapy. I said sure.

The minute the therapist was out the door, DS2 wanted to know if this box of toys would be new toys. I explained that we could use some of DS2's old baby toys. He then proceeded to pick out what should go in the box and what should be our box (a big green dish). DS2 knows I'm anxiously waiting for DS1 to talk. We talk sometimes about the importance of therapy so DS1 can play better and more with him. He seems enthusiastic about the process.

But it is hard to have your brother get so much attention. It is hard when the therapist bring a new toy with them to capture his attention, but then leave with the toy such that DS2 doesn't get to play with it. It is hard that it is cold outside so DS2 is generally in the house during the afternoon sessions. But DS2 is not daunted; he has even started telling me and the therapist which words he would like DS2 to learn.

But really, wow. Both boys are handling it well and learning the new routine. I think we'll be sailing much smoother on this front in a couple more months, but it is nice that everyone is pulling for DS1 and that he really is interested in trying to learn.

Utilizing Phone Solicitors

I had a huge break though yesterday! It makes me smile every time I think about it. But let me start with an update on DS2's speech therapy.

I let go of (fired) the first therapist provided to us. Just not a great fit. However she has been hard to shake, she's contacted me twice to see what she could have done better and I've provided her with reference books on cleft palate so she'll know more next time. Then we took the week of New Year off from speech therapy, as it was hard to find anyone over the holiday. But DS2 does love his play therapy/therapist, and she seems to do a lot of speech work with him too. Then this Monday the new therapist called. While she is young, she has more experience with cleft palette kids although only working for 5 years, is quite outgoing, and seems like she might be a good fit. Yesterday she came over to meet us and set up our schedule.

DS1 was so full of energy, that he was crazed. This is a new behavior, and frankly I don't always know how to reign him in. But essentially he had no interest in making sounds for the therapist, just kept insisting what ever toy she was holding was "mine".

Then the phone rang. I detest phone solicitation. I know folks are just doing their job, but really. And DS2 LOVES to talk on the phone. So with a lightening strike of inspiration, I picked up the phone and handed it to DS2. He said "hello", which was great for the therapist and the person on the phone. With someone talking to him, he just let it flow! He babbled away and was expressive in tone. I could hear just a touch of the person on the line saying things like, "is your mommy there? Is this Ms. Larson?"

The therapist thought it was hilarious but effective, she was able to take tons of notes on which sounds he is making and watch lip movement. In future sessions I may have to call them from my cell phone. I thought it was awesome. It is recycling at its best. DH thought it was brilliant. I always have thought that living well is the best revenge, but for now on DS2 is taking the phone solicitor calls.

Cooking Together

I love to cook. Or more directly, I like the prep work and cooking. I'm not a fine-cuisine chef, but I'm not afraid to tackle a complex recipe. I like hanging in the kitchen focusing intently on something non-work/non-family related. I also like the the opposite, standing there and just mindlessly chopping stuff in preparation.

My boys now love to cook. This has changed things. I still love to cook, but now it takes much more patience when "cooking together". However, as they both show their skills and interest, let alone pride in a job well done, I can accept having to use greater patience. I also never used to drink (wine/cocktail) until the food was served, but now I will drink once all the knife activity is complete; which explains the classic baker's burn I gained making cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve.

In the midst of the holidays, I had a wonderful and rare opportunity. The mother of a former colleague of mine was visiting. They are Indian, from North India. My friend and her mom came over, after sending me a list of ingredients, to cook an amazing traditional dinner from scratch. While these were all ingredients I've used in the past, we used them in ways I'm not accustomed. The opportunity to learn was much welcomed. Surprisingly, the experience itself was also educational.

My friend is in her young 20s and doesn't cook much; or as DS1 says, " is not a cooker". Her mother was a traditional style, very good, skilled cook. My four year old can not be kept out of the kitchen when I'm cooking. First, it was clear the mother really wanted her daughter to learn. Second, it was clear the mom was not accustomed to having children in the kitchen. Third, it was clear that DS1 was not interested in watching, but was totally there to participate. Fourth, it was clear I would have to use all my senses to learn something while my brain was preoccupied with finding task for the four year old that didn't offend the mother while she aimed the teaching at her daughter, who really wanted to learn this valuable skill. I will also say, I didn't mind be a secondary student, as I have significant experience in the kitchen, I had a much greater framework in which to stick the new information and could easily learn while in a secondary role.

Watching older women in the kitchen, not elderly but like my mom's age, just older, is interesting. A while ago when my mother was visiting she commented how patient I was with DS1, which amazed me as it was truly not one of my better days. But I think I was in the kitchen with her? I remember cooking in junior high, but I'm not sure when it started. Older women tend to give my son a suspicious look and then give him things to do which bore him and keep him clean.

With younger women in the kitchen, even some of my favorite fellow moms, they seem a bit shocked at DS1's interest. However, they let him try everything! Even the stuff I'm not sure he should be doing. Interestingly, most of my girlfriends that cook are smart enough to keep their toddlers out of the kitchen.

Back to the story... I kept DS1 involved, even though the mother was suspicious and watching him. He crushed and peeled garlic. He mixes and can even cut some non-tough things now. The kicker was when we were making a bread and the mother gave my girlfriend an egg to break. I had seen nothing like it, she managed to shoot egg all over the kitchen. While cleaning up I asked do we need one or two. Two, of course. I just handed the bowl to DS1, with an egg and told him to put the shell in the hanging garbage bag after he broke it; I handed it to him out of habit; the kid is good with eggs. DS1 had watched my girlfriends performance, so I secretly suspect he knew what he was doing. He did a classic beautiful egg break on the edge of the bowl, dumped the contents, put the shell in the bag and then turned and smiled at us. Yes, this bought him entry, everyone now accepted him in the kitchen.

This weekend, I had a young cousin and his girlfriend in town. Another young 20-something soul. Well, without a job I'm trying to save a bit, so we ate in and had them over for brunch and dinner. DS1 and DS2 decided it was most important that they work with me the whole time. While DS1 can actually help, DS2 sits in a high chair, taking up half the counter space, playing with all the tools in a drawer. This of course requires that the sharp tools are taken out of reach, and that anything spillable is also moved out of reach. DS1 insists on really helping, so he gets 25% of the counter. Remind you I have a small NYC kitchen, so the 25% of the counter I'm left with holds all spillable items and sharp things as well as my work space, which is now down to the size of a decent cutting board!

But what amazed me this weekend is how into the routine the boys became. They see me reach for my apron (yeah, pathetic but I wear one), and they both go diving for theirs (more pathetic I do have kid sized aprons). I tie their aprons, get out the stepping stool for DS1 and the high chair for DS2 and we start. And they are so excited to get out their aprons, roll up their sleeves and get to work; it just cracks me up.

Unfortunately, during the week the boys eat around 5:30 pm. DH doesn't come home until 7 pm, by which time I've got the boys in the tub. The boys get snack, video and story time then to bed hopefully between 8 and 8:30 pm. This of course implies that cooking dinner for the two of us occurs as DH is reading the stories. Why this detail? Well, tonight we had complete melt down as the boys decided they would sneak out for one more mommie kiss, to find her contently cooking in the kitchen without them. There was a dash for the aprons; which turned into apron dash interruptus and tantrums as I returned them back to the bedroom. It made me sad, but it also made me proud. They like to cook, they like to cook with me.

Cuddle Time

This morning I heard one of the boys in their approach to my bedroom. It is generally a moment of slight anxiety on my part; are they coming to cuddle or do I have to get up already?

This morning it was DS2, and he wanted to cuddle!! This is a major break through. He is usually the one ready to play and insist that we get out of bed and do things (generally DH takes the early morning shift in recent months). But today, for the second time, he came in on my side of the bed, laid down on my pillow and was willing to cuddle. For both boys this generally means they get a back message. I don't mind because although I'm awake, I still get to stay horizontal in bed. Five months in and he's finally keying into cuddle time. I think this is a greatest present from the cosmos.

Health update - Today is the best I have felt in over 3 weeks. Two days ago I woke with another head cold, this time on the right side of my head vs. the previous cold which was mostly on the left. I called the doctor(s) on Friday, but only got an appointment for DS1 on Saturday (more on him to follow) and an appointment for me on Monday. But when I talked to the "nurse help line" for DS1, I also asked about my condition and she was willing to indulge me. She sent me to the pharmacist to ask for anything that could get my sinuses to drain. The pharmacist said there really was nothing for that, but she thought she could dry me out with extra strength sudfed, which is over-the-counter, but behind the counter (you have to ask the pharmacist but a prescription is not necessary). Who knew. This is working. Also we have had family in town this weekend, a young cousin and his girl friend, and I think hanging with them has been good for my spirits as well.

About DS1, I have not felt comfortable with the asthma diagnosis. It is possible, I recognize given DH has asthma, but the symptoms have seemed wrong to me. Well, after five days of intensive steroid therapy and every three hour doing a nebulizer, we were not seeing results. I called the doctor. They couldn't see us on Friday, when I called, but they let me talk to the "nurse help line" and gave us an appointment for Saturday. The nurse encouraged me to stay with the therapy and get up every 3 hours during the night and do the nebulizer in his sleep. Ok, for one night I tried, but no major difference, he was coughing through the night.

The doctor was the doctor on call, not our usual doctor, but she seemed cool. I told her up front that there was something more than what meets the eye going on here. She examined him, listened to me about the symptoms, and suggested the same asthma routine. Then I told what I had been doing for five days, the wheezing is all over his chest and has not abated with this regiment. I suggested; allergies, allergic reaction, or infection. She checked his ears, which did turn out to be a bit gunky, and decided we'd go with infection that is stimulating a lung response. So he's on antibiotics, today is day two on antibiotics and he is already coughing and wheezing less. He is still doing a bit on antiinflammatory meds, but not the steroids. I'm hopeful on both our fronts, but he still needs to improve significantly in the next couple days for me to believe we are on the right track. But already I'm happy that his energy is up, his appetite is up, and he seems to be coughing less.