revisit on Foster parents

Tonight at dinner we started taking down all the holiday cards that are on the wall by the kitchen table. Most have photographs of the families, and some are of photographs of the children that shared the orphanage with the Little Man.

It was interesting to see who he would pick out of the family photos, but there is still a "chinese" connection. I asked him if he remember the orphanage or his foster family, and he looked at me like I was from another planet. Honesttly, the kids give me that look often and I presume it is about me, not them. I reminded him that he lived with another mommy until he could come join me. When I pulled out the photo, he studied it. I asked who is that, which he pointed out himself and then said "I don't know" and "a man" to the people whom he first called 'mama' and 'baba'.

Amazingly, this shocked me as much as the first time when he saw the photo and immediately pointed out mama and baba. Is he forgetting? Is it that he's been socialized into accepting us and not them? We'll never know. And it comes at an interesting time.

This week for the first time he asked me "what's that" about the scare on his lip. I explained he was born with a hole in his mouth, but the doctors fixed it and that's the scar. (check out the book special smile at http://www.aspecialsmile.com/ if you need fodder for conversation with your children, feel free to tell her I sent you). Tonight I showed him a photo pre surgery with his foster mom. He pointed to his lip and siad "no more hole". Amazing. But while I've brought cleft lip/palette up on occasion with the boys, this was the first time The Little Man brought it up, and he brought it up when it was just me and him. Tonight we all talked about it.

This was also a week when his biological mom flashed through my mind on occasion. Not staying heavily, I always dismiss the thoughts of her saying to myself, "I'll send her all the energy I can muster on her big holiday" which is Chinese New Year. Interestingly this year, Chinese New Year falls on Valentine's Day. I don't think the Chinese observe Valentine's day (any one who knows better than I is most welcome to educate me on this subject). But this week I thought more about his foster family. They were in it to help kids, and likely the income as well. But they knew they were a transit stop, not home. I'm not sure I'm a big enough person to do that. If I had to, if a child fell into my lap, and needed the transit stop, I would be there. But would I willingly raise my hand for that role? Wow, not right now. I'm just not the person ready for that role at the moment. So the foster family had been on my thoughts although I said nothing to anyone about it.

The shock of his not recognizing them is weird. Has he moved on? He left them before he was two, so how much should he remember? But leaving them couldn't have been easy. I guess I won't know until he is much, much older if even then. again no great conclusion. Just sharing the moment, the thoughts.

Foster Care Update

I generally have come to grips with the fact that I won't know much about my sons first two years of life. But then I suddenly received word through the mommy network that he was in foster care. I contacted the group that organized it, and it is true, they sent me photos of him with his foster family in China. The parents look happy, DS2 looks in shock as he does in most all of his early photos. They are an older couple, I would guess professional foster parents.

This is a good thing; him having had foster care. I am grateful, but it is still the birth mother that sits in my consciousness, not as much the foster family. But, the foster family is doing a great thing, and I know my son is not easy, so he was likely not terribly easy on them either! But gaining knowledge of this event late, knowledge of his foster care that is, creates a need to reexamine early assumptions, early dialog, and creates a lack of trust in having known anything. And yes, its a pisser, I'm mad that there is so little information! Does it ever go away?

I have photos of him with the family pre-lip surgery (which was followed by palette surgery 7 months later). Typically kids are only returned to the orphanage within a few weeks of our adopting him. But the organization that had sponsored his foster care can't even confirm the exact foster dates. Additionally, I reached out to our adoption agency, and they are shocked to learn that he was in foster care this much, let alone at all. The photos are taken at the orphanage on his monthly visits, only a few photos, not from every monthly visit.

It is this re-examination of all our assumptions that is interesting. I told DS2 that DS1 had lived with a family before us and that it was a surprise to me, but a good thing. It was a Chinese family and that I had a photo of them together. "I thought tonight we could all look at it" I said. DS1 responded, "Don't show it to him. He'll want to go back to China and live with them." Breaks my heart, but I responded, "I don't think so. I think he wants to be with us now, but I think he also might be happy to see the people from his past." Together we showed him the photo. DS2 smiles, he is happy to see them. He points at himself and say his name. I ask who are the others, he says "Mama, Baba" . He keeps the photo for quite some time.

It is weird to hear your son call someone else Mama. DS1 never called the sitter anything but her name and she's been with us for almost four years. DS2 calls the sitter her name. But to hear him call the Chinese Foster mom called mama is a weird sensation. It doesn't make me sad, it doesn't necessarily make me happy. It is just a bit interesting/weird. It is generally ok.

DS1 was glad DS2 didn't want to return to China. DS2 likes to look at the photo every time I show it to him. DH is just pissed that there is such a lack of information and thinks there is a conspiracy to keep us in the dark. I'm adjusting to the changed reality. I'm rewriting the story I tell the boys, DS1 asks to hear it, but I view this all as practice for when DS2 starts asking. And now six months post adoption, I think it is time to start building the adoption scrap book for DS2. And to build the book for me. This is our changed reality. We are together now. It was the path unexpected by all.

P.S. If you wish to sponsor foster care for a child, please visit www.altrusa.ws. When my toy hits the market in April, you'll hear more about where a portion of the profits are going.

Foster Care

I've said this before, I will say it again, but there are so many things we will never know about DS2's history. Today I received unexpected, unsought news that is mind blowing. DS2 was in foster care for some time before joining us.

I had written to the yahoo group of DS2's orphanage in search of another little boy that was DS2' roommate. I have photos and wanted to share them with the other mom. I was not sure how long they had been roommates, but they look cute together in their matching dresses (yes, we need to donate more boy clothes). In the email I also used DS2's Chinese name and adoption timing.

This morning unexpectedly, another woman wrote to the sight that she knew the mom, but she also though my son had been in foster care. I contacted one of the coordinators of the foster care program, and yes, DS2 was in foster care. I don't have the details, but a few reports from that time are now on their way to me. I'm hoping there are a few photos as well. I so far have an idea of when he went to live with the foster family, but not of when he came back to the orphanage to join us. It is common for the families to return the children a couple weeks before the adoptive parents come to pick up. It could have been as long as seven months.

Wow! This might explain the real mourning that occurred when he joined us. This might explain why he attached to our family quickly (although me first and for most). It might explain why he doesn't like it when we all put our coats on and he has to be assured he is coming with us.
Also, there is a family out there that may have had him in their lives longer than we have so far; wild.

The emotions are complex. DH is pissed. He can't believe the Chinese adoption authorities told us nothing about this. I am amazed our adoption agency new nothing about this. I am glad he had time outside of the orphanage. But it also is a hole in the information they provided us that is glaring. Was he well cared for? I assume they took the best care of him they could, but he was skinny when we got him and in the midst of a bizarre viral infection. Was he loved? We'll never know.

He is a bright, loving child that has a stubbornness and opinion all his own. These are his traits and everything he has experienced till now has assisted in shaping him. So yes, if there is more to learn about the early years, I want to learn it. But my frustration is the same, that the two years of precious time before he joined us is time which I have no control over what occurred, no understanding of circumstance, and will never really have the full information. I look forward to learning more next week. I need to start building a scrap book for him and put all the information in time frame so he has it if he wants it. I have no idea what this information will mean to him in time. Or what it will mean to me.

Sometimes the emotions are so much more complex then the words I have at my disposal to express them. Let alone actually knowing/labeling how I feel.