Wander Lust

There is a rhythm and flow to airports. My old job included significant travel. I’m generally in sync with airports and enjoy hanging out before a flight. On this trip, flying solo, I relish moving through the airports with no one to worry about but me. It’s been a while.

I like that I can sit and watch the world go by. Literally, the world, when sitting in the Amsterdam international airport. There are the classic tall blonds, as always in Amsterdam, a healthy presence of Muslims in colorful but hooded attire, and a wide variety of language as people continue with their connections around Europe. Oddly, a much lower Asian presence in Amsterdam than many other airports.

I like sitting and listening to the different boarding announcements. I think about, “would I like to go there? Have I ever been there? Where would that place rank on my list of next desired trips?” There is the romantic thought of just boarding a random plane; not the one I came for. But that is unrealistic in the post 9/11 world.

I did once start to board the wrong plane once. It was not romantic, just an error. There were two flights to Chicago at the same time, at neighboring gates. They announced, I went. I almost went to Mid-Way airport rather than O’Hare. Not that that diversion would have been exciting. But almost the wrong flight.

I wonder what international travel was like before world war 2. More trains, less flights, but no passports. At that time you really could go anywhere, anytime. Really could drop off the map and leave all known to you behind. Crazy to think about. This age of internet, almost anyone can be found, and travel between countries is limited and monitored.

For work, or my old work, I just to travel months out of the year. I remember once in our early days of our marriage, but after a couple years of working, my lovely groom and I were planning a get away. He asked if I thought I had enough miles stored up to get free tickets. I guessed, “yeah, I bet I have over 50,000 miles”. He called me later that day to confirm I had miles, >400,000 of them! Like I said I traveled months at a time.

Then there is third world and Carribeian travel. Not always equivalent, but I bundle them here due to the similarities in airport style. Often the airports are open air, but include indoor smoking, and a complete lack of signage. Those are airports you move about on instinct, never truely sure if you are in the right place. At the Amsterdam airport, like Heathrow in London, there are signs that actually tell you how far you are from your gate, “walking 11 minutes away”. I like to try and beat it by half, but Heathrow can be a work out.

This trip I’m traveling all carry-on. Which weighs a TON! Because I have all my camera gear, tripod, computer equipment, let alone a few socks and underwear. For photo journeys, only super casual wear. I know I’ll be in fields sweating and no one will care how much I stink. It is kind of liberating! I will brush my teeth daily, but as to whether I’ll wash my hair that remains to be seen. I brought the bottom of the underwear pile. It is time to find out why this underwear has made it to the bottom of the pile and if it is worthy of the flight home or should be sacrifed for some trinket found along the way.

I’m always surprised that the airlines do not weigh your carry-ons. I’m well over the limits, but as long as I don’t strain at the counters, offer big smiles, no one stops me. I love it when someone offers to get my bag down from overhead. I say, “no worries, I’ll get it, it is REALLY heavy.” To which they smile and nod at me like, ‘pathetic woman’, then grunt with their efforts. I say thanks and tottle on my way.

I love the personnel uniforms. From the airline attendants, which in Europe wear heels I wouldn’t even attempt on a date, to the badges and stripes of the pilots. But my favorite is the military personnel with machine guns. I love that. It is a serious presence, with combat boots incase the airport suddenly turns into a swamp environment. Hats as if the roof is about to rip off. But most importantly, machine guns, because they have not intent of chasing anyone, but shooting them down as they flee. Okay, maybe I shouldn’t find their presence reassuring.

So off on my adventure. Another cup of tea, another magazine, another takeoff and landing. I do like the flow of an airport.

Happy 4th of July

Happy 4th of July! We are off to celebrate with friends. The city is empty. And tomorrow I'm even leaving the country.

Most 4th of July's pass without me giving any thought to the country, or citizenship. The fourth also happens to be the anniversary of when my lovely groom and I met. For me it wasn't love at first sight, but he tells an amazing story of how it was love at first sight for him. For me, it took months of his calling to realize he just wasn't going to go away until I dated him. Then he won me over. So today is 14 years! Kudos to his tenacity.

But this year for the first time I'm thinking about citizenship. This year I created a citizen. He had no choice in the matter. He may have an opinion down the road, but it is too late, once you take away the Chinese passport, he is extremely unlikely to ever get another. Was this fair? Will he care? Will it matter in the long run?

I am a citizen by birth. After years of international travel, and much third world travel, I realize that being born in the US is a major lottery ticket win. I wasn't born to a family that couldn't afford to feed me. I wasn't born into a family that was horrified by my look. I wasn't born into a family that kept me and offered me nothing but poverty. I was born into a family that was out going and loving, well beyond the reach of our front door. It was not a household that faced no obstacles, it was not a silver spoon, but still, I won a major lottery ticket.

Now, I worry about the country; are we curbing liberties inappropriately? Are the hate mongers necessary? Does prejudice have a long term role in our society? I'm not a flag waving American. But hey, we are doing some things right, some glorious things, and we'd be stupid not to celebrate those today.

I hope I contribute, along with every parent out there, to creating a society where we would want ANY child to live, not just our own, but ANY child. This to me is the celebration of the American spirit. We Americans don't assume everything is set in stone. We Americans actually assume that rules are written so we can break them. This is what I hope to give to my newest citizen. I hope he forgives me for the cultural break, the heritage lost. I hope both boys find love, happiness, and a spirit that craves learning. I hope they learn to understand the rules and then break those rules that need to be broken.

So next week I'm off to the country side in France. Just me, not the boys, not the hubby. Every year I try to sneak away for a week by myself. I have a huge independence streak and this week to myself really grounds me. I don't know if I'll be able to blog or not. I will try, but I'm literally out in the country, sleeping at farm houses, shooting landscape photography. But this year I leave with a renewed spirit. I'm the mom of two, wife of one, starter of businesses, maker of laughs and a woman who can do anything she puts her mind to if I stick with it. Yeah, tell me that is not the American spirit.

May the fireworks sparkle for you all!

Language

Language is on my mind again. The Little Man is doing well and trying to talk up a storm. But I was filling out the preschool medical forms today. I know, I'm a bit early, the forms are not due til September, but I thought I would fill out what I could before I put it in the "to do" pile, as I'll have to make the doctor appointment soon to get a "well kid" visit before September!

It was interesting;
State of Birth: China, its really a country not a state. Unless you mean parental state which was likely 'surprised and confused'.
Significant Family History: Unknown, maybe, we just don't have access. But will family history be significant going forward, you bet, just like it was in the past, but this time we will know about it.
Birth Weight: Unknown, frankly he was a little guy and he's bigger now. He's likely a little guy by genetics.
Birth History, choose one; Normal, High Risk or Problems: This question just pissed me off. I think it was Normal, by the information we have of him on finding. But it was a surprise that he had cleft lip/palette. A surprise that created a problem which his birth parents couldn't address. That exact problem, I don't know. But it was big enough they couldn't address it. But it wasn't a problem for the orphanage, foster parents, or me. So 'surprise' is the best word to fit our scenario if I'm forced to pick one word.
Developmental Observations: first off I just crossed out the 'by 6, 12 and 18 months' and wrote unknown. But the 'by 2 years', which is just when we came together is a downer.

• Kicks ball forward - Nope, could barely walk
• Combines 2 words - No, but wasn't really given a lot of opportunity
• Strangers understand half child's speech - Not even in China
• Points to 6 named body parts (nose, eyes, etc) - Nope
• Takes off clothing (other than hat) - Nope
• Persistent rocking - yeah, no
• Headbanging - No
• Hand flapping - No

The things not on the list that I didn't volunteer:

• Biting, pinching, kicking, blowing snot when mad, tantrums beyond belief, and grieving of family loss.

Then there is the 'by 3 Year old' column, and the jury is still out:

• Can hold a 2-3 sentence conversation - No, but I'm thrilled we are moving into 2-3 word sentences
• Names 4 animal pictures - YES!
• Knows 2 animal actions; what flies, etc - kind of, he growls for lions/bears, meows for cat, but not actions, I think we can master this one before the form goes in
• Understands what to do when tired, cold or hungry - Yes, scream until someone takes care of him!
• Imitates a vertical line - yes, he stands up?!
• Washes and dries hands - YES! always happy to play in the water!

And; no longer biting, pinching, kicking, blowing snot when mad, no tantrums beyond belief, and loves his new family.

So, is he ready? I don't know, but I know he wants to go! He is actually excited when I tell him next year he goes to the Big Boy's school. He wants to try everything! I know the growing pains of getting to this point. I hope the teachers can handle the growing pains of getting to the routine, but the therapist have done wonders in those regards. We still have the summer to teach him a few more things to check off those boxes!

Introducing Norman PhartEphant!

Introducing Norman PhartEphant –

It was either an Idea Whose Time Had Come, or
I’m having a mid-life crisis!

Inspired by my boys, a desire to contribute to the world, and the need to have more fun in my own life, last September, the idea of Norman PhartEphant and my desire to "give back" merged into a company; Fierce Fun Toys.

By October, a “Norman” prototype was in production. In November, my Wall Street firm hit the auto eject button on my seat, and by December the makings of a real, although single-product-company, had amassed. This March, the first production run passed the newly enacted CPSIA toy safety standards. After an ocean voyage from China, Norman PhartEphant is here! So, essentially the rumors are true;

I left Wall Street to work with
a Farting Elephant,
Norman PhartEphant.

Norman PhartEphant is a 10 inch plush toy who offers eight different fart sounds with a squeeze of his tail! I'm not kidding, he really farts! While he is a great gift for the 3-10 year old crowd, there have been early reports of father's ordering their own and shipments have been sent to the grandparent crowd. Norman PhartEphant is a great gift for the person who has everything!

About Fierce Fun Toys – Fierce Fun Toys LLC is a philanthropic for-profit company with a portion of our proceeds supporting children's charities. To learn more of our charities, or the Norman story, visit www.PhartEphant.com.

Because I’m on unchartered ground, starting a business, raising awareness, I'm reaching out for your help!

• If you blog - Post a link to this! Tell your friends about this awesome gift your kids, your friends and even your parents will love!
• If you are on Face Book - search for Norman PhartEphant and become a "fan". He'll then keep you in the loop on his adventures!
• If you need a gift - visit www.PhartEphant.com and buy a Norman, or Norman gear!
• If you need a giggle - visit www.PhartEphant.com and enjoy the animation and hear a couple of the farts!
  
• If you want to win a FREE Norman - visit www.PhartEphant.com and enter the drawing for Norman on the Contest page.

Negotiations with the Shipping department

The boys have been helping me with my new company - which I will be publicly announcing next week - they are the shipping department, and part time PR reps. They are enthusiastic helpers, but I wonder if it is efficient or not, productive or not, to have their help. However, I figure this toy company is something I'm devoting time to, they hear me talk about it, so they should have the opportunity to interact with it....if they want.

So ALL the boxes arrived last week and transformed my office and living room. Yes, we live in a NY apartment, so there is motivation to get the company off the ground so the boxes get out of the house!


The plan is ship to friends and family (this is why I'm holding off on the public announcement). Get to preschool (happened with great success on Tuesday). And send out to some former colleagues. Mailers out to potential retailers. Then do the public stuff; press release, blog, send to toy reviewers etc. Everyday I think of more people to tell, which means I'm bound to forget someone along the way; a daunting thought.

So today, I Friday at 2:30 pm, I am exhausted and I still have one more trip to the post office with 35 lbs of boxes to carry. Now the post office is only 2 blocks away, but carrying a bunch of boxes through not empty streets is work! My shoulders are tired beyond belief, and yesterday I even took the stroller to help me carry!

Back to the boys, they now know how to fold the boxes and use the tape "gun". They want to do the labels, but since those require some level of precision, I stick them and they flatten them. When it gets to the mailing, only the Big Boy goes to the post office with me. The Little Man has had the opportunity to give to people in the building and neighborhood, so he's not totally left out.

When we are at the post office, he throws, literally throws, the boxes on the scale while I push all the buttons to get the machine to spit out the stamp. He hands me the stamp, then throws up the next box. The folks at our post office have noticed us. They now ask that we take our boxes to one of the business windows rather than stuff the box that is provided. Obviously, we've already caused a jam by enthusiastically opening and closing the little door.

Going to the business window requires carrying the boxes across the post office, which I am told, "stay there and watch, I can do it myself". I love the energy and enthusiasm. There is also a sense of pride in "doing" the work, but also in "helping". Before we leave, we get to look in the special door where toy company mail appears. This is a real thrill and yesterday we actually had our first piece of mail!

Yesterday, after the post office we hand delivered 10 to friends and family in the hood. Most were dropped of with doormen. So I would stay on the sidewalk with the loot and the Big Boy would give a bag to the doorman and tell them for which apartment. But I noticed each exchange was taking far more than just saying, "this is for apartment 3c. Thank you". So I started to listen.

What he has actually chosen to say, is "This is for apartment 3c. It is a farting elephant. You squeeze his tail and he farts. His name is Norman. It is my mommy's company." To which the doorman always thinks he's heard incorrectly, it is a rather unusual pronouncement, and says something like, "ok, well, uhm, I'll make sure they get the package."

He is so proud to be helping. He's so proud of my little company/the effort. The early impact on the boys has not been what I would have anticipated. They really seem to get it, and that I want this to work. It inspires me to try a bit harder.

The World Opens at 4

• At four years old, you are tall enough for almost all the rides at Coney Island, and still young enough to want to ride them.
• At four, you are getting the gist of following instructions, playing together and the concept of "team work" on projects.
• At four, your attention span lengthens enough to do "big boy" things; go to a movie, sit through an orchestra performance, or the ballet.
• At four, you can talk! Talk well enough that you are not immediately dismissed but people sincerely try to understand what you are saying/thinking.
• At four, you are out of boosters and can sit through a meal. Although you are still quite content to have a game or crayons around as well.
• At four, you are proud not only of your own accomplishments, but of others. You can be happy for a friend, you can be proud of a parent, your world has expanded a bit beyond just yourself.

I've never been a "baby" person. I've always known that from the age of about 2 on there is a lot of magic in children. But seeing age 2 vs. age 4, wow, what a difference. It makes me excited about seeing age 5 and 6. But it also makes me excited to see our 2 year old grow into age four.

Some Days, Just Holding On

Trying to figure out how the bubbles work.

The climbing machine.

I'm sorry, I've lost my mind and I don't seem to know where its gone?
Is it Spring fever? Is it exhaustion? Is it the economy? Am I finally old?

Really, its not a big deal, it just seems that this last week (maybe 10 days) I've been struggling to concentrate and be my usual "productive" self. Not that I've been totally unproductive, it just seems the cosmos are conspiring for me to be involved in so many projects that I'm unsure where to even start.

First, I have a huge consulting job that I was excited about, but now its back to the boring stage of just doing the summary presentation. Guess what, I got it done, sent it to the client, and arranged a conference call presentation. The the cosmos took over and the conference call was missed! But, we finally connected today! Yeah! Another billing out the door! Of course there are three clients waiting for me to finish the big job so I can crank on theirs. I'm excited to get started on the new stuff and made major head way today!

Second, my toy, the other new business, was expected to take a week to clear customs and another week to arrive at my house, setting a launch date of early May. Guess what? It arrived last Tuesday! So last week I personally unloaded 46 creates from a truck and carried them the half block to our house (I still don't understand why he couldn't have parked closer). I've rearranged everything in our apartment, it has become clear the clutter we've recently added. I've been working nights trying to get everything ready for the "Launch", about 10 days sooner than expected. Can't work days, still got a day job! But it is going forward! This evening the boys helped me with putting stamps on postcard for my first mailer to my target retailers. Tomorrow, I start my friend and family campaign on the toy with a reading of the toy's back story at preschool, a gift to the kids, and supply to my first two local retailers (I'll announce the toy's launch on this site next week - just can't get it all done at once! And for the record, I didn't go to preschoo; which probably explains why I like it so much now.)

Finally, after weeks of bundling up for every trip out, Spring SPRANG in the most magnificent way! Why in the world would I be working when all of a sudden we have 90 degree weather? Of course, it is more important for me to be out on the bike! So weekends are officially off-duty. We rode our bikes down to Battery Park, had brunch down by the world financial center (bit empty compared to the pre-9/11 days, probably hit again by the recent economic woes). But still a beautiful place to have brunch, not expensive and let the kids run in the fountain. And guess what, the gym is paying off. I feel stronger on the bike then I have in years!

So clarity is coming! My mind is wander back to its rightful spot. Tonight we are eating left overs vs. me cooking. Tonight I'm stuffing bags for pre-school. I'm excited to read them another story! I'm really excited about the new consulting project. I'm ready to draft my launch press release, well, maybe on Thursday. So I lost my mind, it wandered back and yeah, I still motivated about the future! And worst of all, today I volunteered to bake for this weekend's school fair. I learn nothing!

Firemen

I believe there is a hormone that kicks in around 2 years of age that makes Firemen the center of your world. I'm convinced we all have it, but I think we chose to indulge in it at different levels.

When my first born became consumed with all things fireman, I went with it. Hey these guys are Heros, accessible and we have two stations (with 5 trucks between them and one dog) within walking distance of our house. The man in uniform just works for me, and I've always loved going to visit the station with the boys. When the little man joined us last summer, he really like to just touch the truck but nothing more. Well, hasn't life progressed! Now he can spot a firetruck, or the chief's SUV from 5 blocks away! Every time were here the siren, the boys start looking around/down the street to see the fireman.

My favorites though are:
-making cookies and taking them to the station
-when the kids beg and drag me to the station through bad weather and then getting so shy that I am the only one that talks to the firemen
-the odd occasion when I'm by myself and the truck goes by and I wave at it by auto-response (note the guys always wave back! I'm sure they think, "hey, wave at the crazy lady so she doesn't follow us")
-when the boys start asking a thousand questions about the truck/gear and the guys try to answer all the questions instead of trying to politely quell them.

But the event of the firemen coming to rule the day for our little man has made me appreciate that he now is following some of the development that our big boy passed. He's growing! It is happening. He's normal! Felt weird to type that, but yes, I want to know my kids are normal.

Super Nanny to the rescue - taking it local

My lovely husband (DH), who normally sits in the room while I watch Super Nanny, but is likely to be found not really paying attention, but in reality he does watch it a bit. The reality is I think he likes the show and is afraid to admit it. I find in my reality show viewing (which consist of Super Nanny, Hells Kitchen and Kitchen Nightmares, with the occasional sprinkling of the original reality show - Antiques Road Show) DH has an interest in how defenses the participants become.

He loves Kitchen Nightmares as none of the chefs want to admit their food is bad or they have lost their passion. He talks about how interesting it is that although the parents went out of their way to invite Super Nanny for a visit, they are reluctant to try the new techniques, which aren't new at all if you routinely watch the show. So when he called me last week and walked me through how to set the timer to record Super Nanny on Friday night, I knew something was up!

Yes, last Friday Super Nanny visited a family on the Upper West Side of Manhattan (although the exterior shots were the east side to protect privacy). A family with two boys; a five year old and a two year old. Sounds familiar. Here's the kicker, we actually know them! Not well, but in a met you a couple times kind of way. Their older son took swim lessons (just the two of them in the class) with our older son. They always seemed nice, but the kid did not like to swim.

We watched the show. It was the most boring Super Nanny yet! First they are awesome parents who just lack a backbone for handing out discipline. They were totally honest and upfront about needing help, with no ego attached at all. The tools offered were the basics; time outs, separation technique, going to bed/staying in bed techniques. The only new things was JoJo taking them to task on having too much clutter in their house. Guess what, the parents just stepped up and cleaned house.

Of course, Sunday morning we go into family swim and the family is there. DH had to tell them that we watched the show. They kind of ran away. Of course us in our swim caps with two excited children is a situation worthy of running from. But I was sad I didn't get to tell them Kudos for asking for help. (1) it is not easy to ask for help, (2) you can't control the responses you receive once you have asked, and (3) parenting suck, but we will survive it.

I LOVED the show. It just goes to show that we can all use a bit of help. And like a review I read afterward, "we all know Super Nanny isn't about fixing the kids, its about fixing the parents." Who doesn't need a bit of help getting all the tools of parenting!!

Coping, Growing Up

Not sure if I'm thinking about me or DS1. I was going to write about what a great boy he was recently when we went to the dentist and I was impressed by his willingness to go through a not so pleasant experience because, I said we need to do "this". He stayed focused on the TV they had in the room, which was playing cartoons with which he was unfamiliar. His devotion to the TV was clearly his way of coping with the moment. There were strange noises, sounds and the weird sensation of things going on in his mouth.

Lately, I'm worried about the future, in a totally vague way. The consulting business is in reality going great, I have clients signing up, I have proposals out, I have continued opportunities to meet with companies. It is happening. But I have a coping mechanism of trying to make sure that I'm organized, meeting companies and getting work. Not a bad coping mechanism, in reality. I love the consulting projects that have come my way so far. Definitely brain food. It is using what I know, but making me stretch and giving me the opportunity to learn new things.

The toy business is slowly creeping along, but I will have product in a few short weeks (like 6-8). But I don't know what I'm doing. I know finance, I know I'm not spending a ton of money. But marketing, retailing, creating a "presence" for the product (on the cheap) is all new. Something fun and new is exciting, but it is frustratingly on the back burner as I move the consulting business forward.

The boys are awesome. I learn from them, from interacting with them, more about myself daily. It is unbelievable that I still have so much to learn about myself. How did I make it this far knowing so little? The job change is giving me much more time with the boys, which is likely spurring my coping mechanism of trying to secure work, spurring my personal development, giving me back day dreams of creating a future which I lost some time ago. Again, not a bad thing. But it is weird not really having time "off". I'm always on looking for work, thinking about who to call, ways to pitch, the future. It is new, it is unfamiliar. It is terrifyingly-exciting.

6 months

Today is our six month anniversary, DS2 and I. Really DS2 and the family, but I'm celebrating DS2 and I. Damn right its personal.

I love him, he loves me. It feels like he has always been here. I'm tempted to say it feels like he came yesterday, but that is not true, when he came it was hell. Life turned upside down. Breathing became hard but necessary. My heart was ripped from my body and has yet to be returned. I cry too much.

Six months ago a tiny child walked in the hotel door holding hands with a nanny, with the sun streaming behind him, and he looking shut down. I clung to one child (DS1) as I watched the elevator doors close stopping my view of the other (DS2) as he went to the meeting room. An arranged marriage was about to happen. I held myself open to possibility and he walked into the next chapter of his life without choice.

Six months ago I was shocked by his weight, his birthmark, his humongous head, his blisters and tears. Today I love his birthmark, his humongous head, his gorgeous fingers and toes, his ability to blow snot when he is mad, his open mouth kisses which include sucking on my chin, and his giggle.

I have learned that I'm not a bad person, but I'm not the person I want to be. I want to be more patient, more loving, more educated, more silly. Beyond me, I also want it all, talking, silly, play, love, peace, for him.

In the last six months DS1 has taught me to be a better family member and how to love DS2. I have learned that being a good family member is just getting on with it. Where you come from, what your age, differences, it all just really doesn't matter, just get on with it. DS1 has taught me to love because you can, you should, and it is received. DS1 taught me that there are ways to laugh at all of us during every period, even when the family is expanding and my heart and head are exploding. I love DS1 more because he taught me so much as DS2 came into our lives. I love DS2 because DS1 has shown me the way.

DS2 is teaching me that stubbornness can be a virtue. DS2 is teaching me to be more creative. DS2 is teaching me by example how to attempt to learn, absorb and try anything, no matter the smell, difficulty or challenge. DS2 is teaching me that I don't want to be color blind, I want to be color aware and celebrate what we share, what we offer one another.

I am a stronger, better person for living the last six months of my life. I think DH, DS1 and DS2 are as well. I look back and can't believe how difficult it all was. Not just the last six months, but also the two year process required to reach the last six months. This has definitely been the most difficult six months of my life. I have cried till the tears were gone. I have been angry at things I can't control. I have questioned my beliefs about the world and why I am here. I have lost hope and found it again. I have loved where nothing was returned. I have been blessed with an unexpected love that I thought would never arrive. I have gained a greater understanding of who I am as a person, woman, mother and wife - and it is not where I want to be, but not bad and I know I can grow. I have learned to relish a full night's sleep.

Have I learn something, am I happy with the outcome, can an arranged marriage work, did this experience strengthen the family, was it really that bad, would I do it again?

Yes.

Being Hopeful isn't a crime

I don't know if it is me, or the people in my immediate world, but hope isn't a crime. Today I listened to President Obama's speech twice. On purpose. I got something out of it each time, something different each time. The first time with DS1 watching it live. The second time with both boys and friends after wine.

It strikes me that President Obama is trying to include everyone, and trying to change our thoughts about our individual ability to effect the future. The future is not caste in stone, we are to rise up and own it, no matter where we are starting from. We should strive to take care of one another as well as our planet. I'm not blind, I am not deaf, I see and hear these things in his speeches. It also strikes me that there are people that only want to be part of a fringe movement and have trouble with his trying to include everyone. Wow. Who knew needing to be part of the fringe would become so important that progress for the whole would not be a worthy cause?

Why this on a parenting/adoption blog you may ask. Fair question. Because tonight a couple people who just met me, just met the boys tried to tell me that it was I that was influencing them into the "good" boys that they were tonight. While my ego would love to say yes, and I do think that teaching them rules and boundaries is important for them to learn what behaviour is acceptable and how to monitor themselves, I totally don't want to under serve what each of them bring to the table which is so much greater than my coaching. My coaching is only to try and bring out their best, unfortunately as defined by my definition of good, which is colored by societal norms.

I look at President Obama, and I think the nay-sayers are doing the same thing. Totally underestimating what he is bringing to the table, which is a desire to engage all parties. Frankly, this might fail. I often tell myself that an argument is only worth having if the other participants are willing to listen. But, kudos for his trying. And yeah, I want to believe it will work.

The boys observe and absorb the world around us. I'm thrilled that today they gained a President that calls for us to take care of one another. It may only be an ideal. He may not succeed in historical retrospective 100 years from now. But today I am glad to have a man in office that at least can articulate a dream could be a fantastic reality, a dream that we can share in our household, a dream that I can teach and will teach on an individual level.

Where is the inspiration, typically I'd say in my kids. Tonight I will say it is also in those million plus people that thought waiting in 30 degree weather to hear a new president speak about having a dream to collaborate and a president that has the courage to collaborate with everyone if they show a willingness, their collective hope also inspires me.

Ode to a New Year

A New Year is always an interesting time. First, myself and generally everyone around is re-examining their life and thinking about things to change. Second, change is coming, we do have a political change occurring soon. Also, change has already occurred, the economy is in the toilet, the price of oil is unstable, and hopefully we all continue to seek world peace (not a minor thing, sounds like fluff, but frankly it is important).

In 2008, I saw DS1 grow so much! He has become a little man and a big brother. He has started school and now has a life so beyond the family it amazes me. He continues to be curious about the world, touching and exploring everything. This has meant a pinched finger at the airport, a few splinters and questions about the world around him. I have hopes for him. But they are vague, I just want him to continue to be curious, loving and playful. DH complains he is too cautious, but I think he is really too empathetic. I want him to find all the things that makes his heart sing. We are ending the year in the midst of an asthma attack which will take a few more days to control, but we are armed with the knowledge of what to watch for and how to treat to keep this at bay in the future. He has been my arts and craft partner, my cooking assistant, reminder to laugh and be silly, and source of imaginative play. All things that have contributed to my life greatly. My love for him is so deep that sometimes I don't think it should even be called love. This year we face new challenges, as in finding time to play together in the midst of introducing chores and responsibilities. But another day together is always welcomed.

In 2008, DS2 physically joined our lives. In the beginning of the year he was already emotionally with me, which just created incredible pain as the wait continued long into May before we were granted permission to add him to our family. It was a whirlwind from there getting ready, going to China and back. The trip was unlike anything I have ever experienced and something I can not adequately express in words; the fact that I have yet to print any photos for the house may express my confusion on the subject. The dichotomy of going there to get a child that society had abandoned, but seeing first hand how devoted to children and family the society is was perplexing and troubles me. Then there was the adjustment. Frankly it was much harder than anything I ever expected. But five months later, we are in a different place. While we meet as strangers, saying hello as best as we could, we are now family. Is there love? Yes, but again it is deep and odd in a way that the term love just doesn't seem to be enough to cover it. It is not how I love DS1, but unique to one that is developed over time. We end the year with a new routine, therapy and ear tubes. I look forward to this year hoping that we may be able to speak to one another. I know his brother is anxiously awaiting that day as well.

In 2008, I became acquainted with an idea of a "birth mom". It is the woman whose belly we emerged from. DS2's birth mom is with me off and on; today she is in my thoughts. It is a one sided relationship, but a real relationship, and it emerges at unexpected moments. I like to believe that she hopes that I exist and am doing what I'm doing. I like to believe that she exists and is living well. At times I hate her for not seeing the value in this amazing little guy that runs in my bedroom in the morning with a smile to wake me. At times I hate her when DS2 is pulling my hair, biting and showing all other signs of loss. But at times I am so sad for her loss. She doesn't know what she lost, and she must wonder. I know she loved him, she carried him for nine months and got him to a "safe" place. But does she still? I think so, if I were her I think I would. And again, is love and adequate word, for a child she doesn't know, but does. As I face a New Year with new challenges, she may not even be aware, she may not know DS2 is in the US and we are at a holiday. Chinese New Year starts January 26th this year, and at that time, will she be facing new challenges? Is she ok? Will she ever get word that DS2 is ok? It is so sad to think about. There really are no answers at the moment. Maybe one day. But I wish her well.

I try to keep the blog to kid issues, so just a quick note that DH is a good guy and I wish him and us the best in the new year. Also I have tons of work-related goals. Not more than the sky, but I plan to hit those this year too. And yes, I have personal goals. So 2008, you were not all bad, you were pretty good/great at times. Other times, I was scared, ready for a change, but also need changes that I was not ready for. And guess what, 2009 is at the doorstep, I'm going to bust the door wide open and run!

Early Intervention Success

Today was my meeting with the early intervention coordinators.  Frankly, it was amazing, draining, and successful.  I went in hoping to get speech therapy 2-3x week; I left with speech therapy for 30 min 3x week AND occupational therapy for 60 minutes 3x week!  This is all now set for the next six months when he'll be evaluated again.

From the start.  The city office called me several times the day before to ask simple questions, like to verify I wanted home services and in English, as well as to admonish me not to be late for the meeting.  I showed up early, to a very old building downtown, where the office clearly reeked of underfunding and lack of decor.  However, everyone was nice and friendly. 

My case worker, the service coordinator (from the agency that supplies the therapist), and the city official all sat with me in one tiny office.  The routine was new to me, but they were all professional and knew what they were doing.  The city official had a bunch of questions, i.e. how did I feel about the written valuation? (horrible) Was it accurate? (yes) Has he learned to do better on steps? (just takes them one at a time, slowly, often asks for help) Does he sleep well? (generally, once he is down) Can he brush his teeth? (somewhat, but both boys just enjoy eating the toothpaste) How does he play with his brother? (good, bad, mood dependant, toy dependant) Does he share? (no) Does he know his body parts? (maybe a few) etc. 

I answered everything honestly.  I told them how much he has improved since joining us.  That the tantrums are less, that he has almost stopped biting me, but still pinches and pulls hair.  I told them about the preschool visit and how much more behind than the other more articulate kids.  We talked about the food he eats, that he's not attached to any particular toy, but likes playing with stuff.   I talked about the lack of talking frustration in parenting.  They got it all.

Then the city offical, just made the determination.  YEAH!!! She set goals, he should have a 100 word vocabulary, he should use two word together, he should be able to name his body parts, colors, shapes, and offer me one out of a pile of items.  YEAH!!

Speech therapy is like you'd guess, focused on the lips, sounds, and some eating skills (trying to get more chewing happening).  The occupation therapy is play therapy, which is likely to help speech, but focused on basic "pre-school" skills such as learning shapes and colors, body parts, how to do puzzles, learning to build with blocks, not just throwing; all clearly focused on improving the vocabulary as well.  

They recommended a physical therapy evaluation.  I told them he's in a tumbling class 2x a week and I think he is behind due to lack of opportunity to run and use his body previously, but if they are willing to give me support here too, why not try it.  I think his balance will improve with the ear tubes.  I think he is getting stronger physically and has just started to run, really run, with his feet leaving the ground!  but he still hyper extends his shoulders and elbows due to lack of upper body strength (I guess there are push-ups in his future, and this is clearly an institutional sign from the lack of crawling).

By the end of the week I should hear from the therapist and therapy starts next week.  I'm really excited for him!!! For us!!! I wish I had started the early intervention evaluation process earlier, but it is better now than even later.  Also he would have only scored worse earlier, and we are getting great services, so its not like waiting penalized us too much.  Like I said this is all good for six months.  The case worker has already walked me through what we need to start in March to keep services continuing through a different pre-school state program for when he hits his 3rd birthday (in August).  

Escape artist

At the zoo today, I saw something I truly have NEVER seen before.  We saw an animal escape!

The zoo in St. Maartin is a bit lovely and decrepit all rolled into one.  There is a snake room and a bat cave, along with a lot, a lot, of parrots, Macaws and monkeys, but few other animals; turtles, bunnies, goats, and a couple raccoons.  Some of the exhibits are no longer open, the walk through area with ducks, although the ducks can still be seen from the outside.  The indigenous animals sneak in as well; rats, lizards and iguanas.  There actually is an official spot for the lizards, turtles and iguanas although they seem to have free reign of the whole zoo.

So we were walking over toward the iguanas, and I told DS1, "look one is on a post".  This is the post where at one time there was a plaque that said the proper name of the animal, but the plaque is missing.  As DS1 ran to the iguanas, the thing lept from the post to the viewing wall, to the ground and ran!  It was an escape!  Wow.  I had my camera up and focused on the creature when it was on the post, but I was so shocked the thing could leap a good 3 feet from a standing still position on the post I simply didn't thing to pull the trigger on the camera.  I was shocked by the whole event.  Wow.  Really, the whole episode reminds me that if you believe, then anything is possible!

Family Dinners

Ok, I'm old fashion.  I believe we should sit down and eat dinner like a family when we can.  Prior to DS2 joining us that was about 6 days a week.  No tv (another thing I'm old fashion on, only one in the house and only 30 minutes a day) during dinner, and it eaten around a table (whether I cook or order in).  

However, with the addition of DS2 and the start of preschool for DS1, I've got the boys bed time routine moved forward to lights out at 8 pm instead of 9 pm, which means DH and I eat after the boys go to bed.  But not while on  vacation.  I thought it would be great to eat together. 

And it is.  But how many times must I say, " don't put your feet on the table", "don't stick the fork in your nose", "yes, you can eat with your fingers over waiting for me to feed you every bite", "if it is too hot, just spit it out on your plate".  Overall, the boys are good.  And I try not to linger with the family meal, get in and out as quickly as possible, while still sitting long enough to feed everyone and have some sort of conversation. But, wow, not as relaxing as one would hope.  But they are still young and I have time to mold them. 

 This week we've had the luxury of grilling outside which is just amazing.  Yeah, I'd love to have a NYC apartment with a balcony and a grill.  But even 12 years on the Street for mid-level person like myself that did luxury was not afforded; and I think grills are technically illegal in the city although you see them everywhere.  Also, grilling means all my boys want to play with the weapons.

I even made the boys dress up one night as we went in to eat at one of the harbors.  I was trying to get one of the boys dressed in a nice shirt, I was still in my underwear, when DH said, "mommie looks sexy".  He was quickly corrected by DS1, "Mommie's not sexy, she's naked".  So you can see, even getting to the dinner table is ego deflating.  

So to those who look each other in the eye during a family meal, which is also a Thanksgiving tradition, I salute you and attempt to join you!

Thanksgiving

As it is Thanksgiving week, I've thought of one more story to share.  Years ago, and I do mean years ago, I was around 15 years old and my mom and I went to some arts and craft type gathering of church women. I remember the preacher's wife had organized it.  After our activities, and I don't remember what we made, maybe a quilt, we made a circle, held hands, and the preacher's wife said we should share something for which we were thankful.  The first thought through my head was, "I'm glad I'm alive."  

 

This "thanks is not terribly specific, but it was my first thought.  Maybe its even selfish.  But really, it's all encompassing.  I have had highs and lows, good and bad, marriage, divorce and marriage.  And still, I'm generally happy to be alive.  There are people that I am thankful for having known, people who I'd like to forget but still taught me something, and people I have forgotten, but contributed along the way.  There are things I've done that I am proud of, but there is a longer list of things I would still like to do, and a very long list of things I would like to improve about myself.  I am amazed by the people in and around my life.  I am amazed by other people that I have never known, but only read about.  Some days I'm not sure I have the life I want, or wanted, but generally, I'm glad to be alive and to have the chance to do something.  I know I still have more to do.  So no thanks for anything specific, just thanks for the opportunity to be and to try.  I will take this opportunity to try my best; for the kids, for my family, for me, for the world.  I'm sorry I'm so selfish, but this is where I am.

So Life is Bizarre

So it would be fair to say that I'm totally excited about my future.  It would also be fair to say that I'm terrified.  

What does the future hold for the kids?  What does it hold for me? Will they have what they need?  Will they the face the stimulation they need to grow into great young men?  Or will they become something less?  I want them to pursue their dreams, which means I have to show them that I am willing to pursue mine as well.  And if I fail?   Would that still teach them to go forth and conquer?  Or would I show them the tough consequences associated with pursuit of the ideal?  Ugh!  

Frankly, it is really f---ing hard to pursue the dream.  Maybe that is not true for everyone, but it is for me.  I feel like I'm putting my family at risk; can I start a business, or three, and still be involved with the kids, pay the bills, and have fun.  But even as I write the sentence it sounds like fun and I'm so ready for the challenge.  I just have to go do it. There really is no doubt.  Any alternative to pursuit of the dream is settling.  I'm not ready to settle. I've always become rather miserable and miserable to be around when I settle for less than the dream.  

So,  in the last week every item in my life has found a little deadline.  For DS1, I need to get his birthday party date set, invites out, and planned.  DS2, we need to complete the Early Intervention process and get therapy started in December/January.  For old employer, need to return some little things (Blackberry), and get my files.  For consulting, there is a conference in January that I need to attend, and then the start of my marketing of me (this will be an interesting new challenge)! For the toy company, the first production run completes in late February, then I will unveil the website and start getting retailers, also there is a big trade show we are going to in May, and there is a children's book conference in late January where I can start learning the basics of that market.  

So off on vacation for two weeks, which will include creating a variety of business models, frozen drinks on the beach and sun, glorious sun.  And come home ready to attack.  I will try to blog while on vacation, but not sure how often - it may just be a photo post or two like last time.    

Change of Circumstance

Introduction  -  I've been writing this post since Wednesday, when I was laid-off from my firm.  I wasn't sure when I'd be ready to post, but it turns out to be today.  The original thoughts are below.  Sorry, I know this is not about the kids, which is the topic I usually restrict myself to addressing, but this is a big change.

11/12/08, 3 pm 

So at 11 am this morning I was laid off at work.  The firm I've been working for is moving out of health care, and let go of about 60 people.  Some folks cried, others got really mad, I went to the gym.

I don't know, but it really doesn't feel like the worst thing ever.  I lost a job once when I didn't want to, that really rocked me.  I don't like the thought of being unemployed. I worry about those that depend on me, the boys, my family.  However, I also don't like about 49% of my job and I've been thinking for a while that Wall Street is broken.  So, what's next?  A good book, more gym time, and some serious soul searching. 

I'm 40, a bit too young to retire. But, finally old enough to be considered experienced, as in over 12 years on the Street.  I like to think so I really need something to do.  I'm not going to do anything rash yet.  In fact, I'm not even sure I'm going to let friends and family know yet. I guess that means I'll keep writing but publish this next week.  

11/12/08 - 9:30 pm 

So it occurs to me that I have been wanting to leave the Street for a few years.  I've been concerned about how I replace the income.  This is tantamount, as I am the family income.  But tonight I started wondering, how much of the income do I really need to replace?  I don't want to go back to my childhood of being aware of parental money stress, revolving bills, and strategic coupon clipping. But it wasn't that bad.  But its also not like our net wealth went to zero.  Just the income went to zero.  How long could we last on what we have?  We have a vacation planned in two weeks, which is already paid for, should I cancel it?  

The severance pay is in question, the number quoted to me today was not the contracted amount.  I'm not sweating it yet, I'll wait for the paper work to arrive.  

A couple months after I returned to work after giving birth to DS1, I received a "big" promotion to research department head.  This turned out to be a roll I really didn't want. I learned a lot, enjoyed it for awhile.   But I recognized it didn't hold my future. To get out of it, I had to switch firms.  Now just two months after returning post adding DS2 to our lives, I get the boot.  Somehow I just believe this change is going to work out better.

11/13/08  10:48 pm

Today I started telling people.  Some casual acquaintances, my best friends, my family (not DH, he heard from me within 5 minutes of the news).  Lots of people are rather worried for me, for my family.  Some even cried when I told them.  I think some of the emotion is due to more the general pent-up of emotions that surrounds everyone involved with the Street.  Some are amazingly empathetic.  

Today I had two appointments that were made weeks ago.  The first was frivolous, I enjoyed it.  The other with a health care company that didn't know my change of circumstance.  They were really supportive, and so has been everyone else in the health care industry with whom I've chatted.  Doors are opening, but I really need to think about the opportunity I've been given to leave the Street.  To redefine how I live my daily life.  Tonight, I'm rather excited about my non-Wall Street opportunities.  

The more I think about the Street, the more I realize I really don't want to go back.  I could give you a dissertation, but mutual funds haven't sent out their year end statements yet.  When people see that their funds, even if the fund is out performing the market, most are still losing money, investors will want their money out of the funds, the redemptions will come in.  As the funds pull money from the market, the market will get hit; small cap more than large cap, but all of it.  Then there will be a lack of confidence by new investors.  I really think we are continuing on a down cycle through Feb 2009, but I also don't currently see the catalyst for improvement in 2009.  Basically, I think 2010 looks better.  So if I only liked 49% of the job and I believe the environment is bad, there is little motivation to look for a near term future on the Street.

I'm sure it will take time to get my strategic health care consulting up and running, I'm sure it will take more time to get this little toy company I've started up and running.  I'm sure there will be other opportunities to consider over time.  I'm sure there will be delays and disappointments along the way,  but I've never been so excited about giving these new venture a go.  

Goodbye suits, or associated guilt for not wearing the suit daily (yeah, I sweated that as I moved into coordinates).  Goodbye 9 to 5, or in my old world the 6:30 am to 9 pm, or more recent times 7:30 am to 5 pm.  Hello to the craziness I shall now try to embrace by seeking entrepreneurial, flexible, but cash generating work.  And,  I'm not afraid of the hours if the drive is there, but I want to see the boys; that wasn't a consideration 5 years ago when I made the first big shift from massively large Wall Street firm to smaller firm.  

Hello to breakfast with the boys, and occasional lunch dates with friends.  Welcome back to passion for the task at hand.  Tonight I go to be excited about tomorrow.  And I'm concerned about trying not to set my future in stone.  And even trying not to set too many balls in motion during the holidays.  Starting to think, Hey 2009, I'm ready for you when you get here!

11/14/08 - 12:15 pm

This morning I played with DS2, as he was the first to wake, and then walked DS1 to preschool.  I went to they gym, went to Barnes & Nobles to buy a calendar book, and then came home to make a cup of tea.  Ouch, I could get used to this!  Again today the brain and spirit are running.  I've come up with a few concepts for my little toy company and have decided I'm probably going forward with a children's book as well.   I've come up with a group of people I would like to touch base with in the Health care industry.  I've embraced the concept of wearing jeans regularly!  I am happy.

Siblings

Daily I have a thousand and one thoughts about sibling relationships. Here's a few of the biggies; How do I foster love between them? How do I make sure each is getting what they need? How do I treat them the same when they are different? Am I making one do more than the other? How aware of one another are they? How aware of one another should they be? Who's going to do what, be what, need what?

I thought this series of photos was telling. First, in complete parallel play. Doing their own thing, but aware of each other. The second, still parallel play, but in the kitchen with me while I'm cooking. Here it tends to be more interrupted and interactive; they both like to get involved in what I'm doing. And Finally, the influence; if you can do it, I can too!

While most all of my friends have very different relationships with their own siblings, but want the same thing for their own kids - for them to like each other and have a "close" relationship. But I'm still in the stage where we would be happy if the kids would just not scratch/bite/pinch each other. And yet, I have a feeling we'll graduate to hitting and real torture by the teen years.

We have only been a family of four for three months, so I'm not sure what to expect. But DS2 is clearly enamored with DS1; he wants to do everything his big brother does. DS1 is very aware of DS2, but wants he needs his separate time to do big boy things. DS1 is mostly tolerant of the need to share, very vigilant on any safety issues and generally great about it all. I do worry that all of us tend to talk a bit about DS2 while he is with us, as if he couldn't understand us, because he's not speaking yet. However, given how short their memories are at this age, I'm hoping I'm not causing any therapy needs for DS2 down the road. But at the same time, he is hearing about the orphanage and adoption issues from the get go as DS1 tries to work it all out.

Now that I have two children, I won't say they are opposites of each other, but it becomes hard not to compare them a bit. One is more musically oriented. One is more physically coordinated. But on some things, I think I'll just need more time to see them develop - for example, I'm not sure which one will be more verbal, imaginative, or independent quite yet.

Are we setting a good example? DH and his brothers talk on the phone regularly. I love it. They talk politics and sports. Is this the stuff that keeps them close? Are they really informed about each others lives? I don't know, but they are talking and calling which is a sign that they are close. I don't call my brother. But I do like to see him when the chance emerges. I guess we are not close, but there is also nothing really in the way, which is good. I guess we aren't the worst examples for our boys. I have no idea if they will be close? Yeah, as kids they have friends in common, but will they call each other as adults. It will be a long time in waiting for this answer.