Ode to a New Year

A New Year is always an interesting time. First, myself and generally everyone around is re-examining their life and thinking about things to change. Second, change is coming, we do have a political change occurring soon. Also, change has already occurred, the economy is in the toilet, the price of oil is unstable, and hopefully we all continue to seek world peace (not a minor thing, sounds like fluff, but frankly it is important).

In 2008, I saw DS1 grow so much! He has become a little man and a big brother. He has started school and now has a life so beyond the family it amazes me. He continues to be curious about the world, touching and exploring everything. This has meant a pinched finger at the airport, a few splinters and questions about the world around him. I have hopes for him. But they are vague, I just want him to continue to be curious, loving and playful. DH complains he is too cautious, but I think he is really too empathetic. I want him to find all the things that makes his heart sing. We are ending the year in the midst of an asthma attack which will take a few more days to control, but we are armed with the knowledge of what to watch for and how to treat to keep this at bay in the future. He has been my arts and craft partner, my cooking assistant, reminder to laugh and be silly, and source of imaginative play. All things that have contributed to my life greatly. My love for him is so deep that sometimes I don't think it should even be called love. This year we face new challenges, as in finding time to play together in the midst of introducing chores and responsibilities. But another day together is always welcomed.

In 2008, DS2 physically joined our lives. In the beginning of the year he was already emotionally with me, which just created incredible pain as the wait continued long into May before we were granted permission to add him to our family. It was a whirlwind from there getting ready, going to China and back. The trip was unlike anything I have ever experienced and something I can not adequately express in words; the fact that I have yet to print any photos for the house may express my confusion on the subject. The dichotomy of going there to get a child that society had abandoned, but seeing first hand how devoted to children and family the society is was perplexing and troubles me. Then there was the adjustment. Frankly it was much harder than anything I ever expected. But five months later, we are in a different place. While we meet as strangers, saying hello as best as we could, we are now family. Is there love? Yes, but again it is deep and odd in a way that the term love just doesn't seem to be enough to cover it. It is not how I love DS1, but unique to one that is developed over time. We end the year with a new routine, therapy and ear tubes. I look forward to this year hoping that we may be able to speak to one another. I know his brother is anxiously awaiting that day as well.

In 2008, I became acquainted with an idea of a "birth mom". It is the woman whose belly we emerged from. DS2's birth mom is with me off and on; today she is in my thoughts. It is a one sided relationship, but a real relationship, and it emerges at unexpected moments. I like to believe that she hopes that I exist and am doing what I'm doing. I like to believe that she exists and is living well. At times I hate her for not seeing the value in this amazing little guy that runs in my bedroom in the morning with a smile to wake me. At times I hate her when DS2 is pulling my hair, biting and showing all other signs of loss. But at times I am so sad for her loss. She doesn't know what she lost, and she must wonder. I know she loved him, she carried him for nine months and got him to a "safe" place. But does she still? I think so, if I were her I think I would. And again, is love and adequate word, for a child she doesn't know, but does. As I face a New Year with new challenges, she may not even be aware, she may not know DS2 is in the US and we are at a holiday. Chinese New Year starts January 26th this year, and at that time, will she be facing new challenges? Is she ok? Will she ever get word that DS2 is ok? It is so sad to think about. There really are no answers at the moment. Maybe one day. But I wish her well.

I try to keep the blog to kid issues, so just a quick note that DH is a good guy and I wish him and us the best in the new year. Also I have tons of work-related goals. Not more than the sky, but I plan to hit those this year too. And yes, I have personal goals. So 2008, you were not all bad, you were pretty good/great at times. Other times, I was scared, ready for a change, but also need changes that I was not ready for. And guess what, 2009 is at the doorstep, I'm going to bust the door wide open and run!

Surgery Complete

This morning went is over, and I guess in the end, it went well. We are all home, in one piece even though DS2 is a bit groggy, DS1 is napping on the couch and I'm a bit tired. I give my apology now, as I'm going to give a bit too much information on anesthetic recovery as I want other adoptive parents to have the information.

First, when going for surgery, there are a thousand questions that are tough to answer;

• Has he even had anesthesia? yes
• Did he have any reaction to it? unknown
• Was there any trauma in the birth process (why they need this one I don't know)? unknown
• Does he have any allergies? none known
• Does he have a history of infections? not recently, otherwise unknown.

Everyone at NYU was really nice and supportive. DS2 was in a great, fun mood when we got there. He saw the doctor on Friday that cleared him for surgery, but the anesthesiologist was not happy that he has a little head cold (no fever, which is why he was cleared). The ENT doctor was again, awesome. When he came in the waiting room, I was on the floor with DS2, so he joined us on the floor and played with DS2 while explaining everything to me. Not riveting stuff, but things like, don't get water in his ears for a week (but also don't worry too much, baths are fine, just don't let him "swim" in the tub), and that he was going to give me ear drops to use for the next 5 days to clean up any lingering infection, but he wouldn't know which drops until after surgery and he got a good look in the ears.

After the doctor visit, they gave DS2 a drug to sedate him before the surgery. By the time we were heading to the OR, he could no longer sit up on his own and his head kept drifting on his shoulders. The surgery started about an hour later than expected, but still only took about 20 minutes from start to finish. I joined him in the operating room, where the two nurses, anesthesiologist and the ENT doctor were all waiting. I stayed with DS2 until they knocked him out, he was angry about it. Nonetheless it took 30 seconds max. Then to the waiting room for me.

When the doctor came to get me, he said that there was more than water but yellow puss looking gel. I commented that he gets to see all the gross stuff, he said, "only from the neck up, and the surgery is more satisfying when I can see what I need to fix". Interesting. We'll visit him for a follow up, and updated hearing test in 3 weeks.

In the recovery room, I was asked not to touch or wake DS2; he was to wake on his own which they estimated would take an hour. However, no one had told DS2 the plan. He "woke up" kicking, screaming, hitting, fighting within 5 minutes. The nurses quickly put bumpers on the crib, but he was out of control and not opening his eyes. It totally reminded me of three or four times in the first month where we saw him go through night terrors. He clearly was not awake. My heart sunk a tiny bit, because I did not think this was going to pass quickly.

A nice but too genial nurse, thought I should try holding him; this screaming crazed child. I commented he wasn't awake, this was night terrors. Another nurse, very nice guy from Hell's Kitchen, over heard me and totally got it, we'll call him Bob, he took over. After about ten minutes of trying to keep him in the crib but intervening to keep him from hurting himself as he thrashed about, the suggestion was made to get restraints. This I couldn't allow.

I put DS2 in the cuddle bag, strapped him on, and let him wail. Bob stayed close, checking in to see if he was actually waking at all and chatting with me. Other nurses popped by and curious parents had to check out the wailing child. I didn't feel bad about holding him through it, but I did feel bad/sad that my presence really didn't appear to be all that comforting to him. Also I felt bad that I couldn't do more, he is my kid, but it doesn't always look that way, which makes me want to be more inconspicuous than standing in a busy recovery room with a screaming child in your arms. It is like everyone in there is obligated to look at you, at least once. After another 30-40 minutes of him wailing with eyes open now, but not focusing on anything, Bob thought we should try to knock him out and start again. I was tired, I agreed. We gave DS2 Tylenol with codeine, which he said we would see effect in 15 minutes. 20 minutes later, he, DS2 not Bob, was asleep in my arms.

As I sat down in this great reclining chair, put my feet up and let DS2 finish his morning nap on my chest, Bob and I chatted. He said that too often the anesthesiologist fails to ask if the child has ever had night terrors, and of the kids that wake up bad in the recovery room, it is often the kids with a history of night terrors. DS2 was having such a quick surgery that they did not do an IV, which means if he wakes up bad that you have to give a shot of medicine which takes longer to calm the child than if they are on an IV. It is not really good or bad to be on an IV it is just the he wishes people knew the difference so they could be prepared in the recovery room. He told me if he ever needs general anesthetic again to let the team know he has recovery issues. And he told me I did a better job at handling the situation than most terrified parents (yeah!).

About 40 minutes later, DS2 woke up. He was happy, ate crackers and flirted with everyone. No sign of any trauma from him at all. After a few graham crackers, water and 5 minutes of play, we were released. He is happy to be home. He is a bit tippy when he walks (which should be gone by tomorrow). He seems not to be in any pain; hasn't reached for his ears at all. He is trying to repeat everything I say, a bit more than usual, so I do think he is hearing well.

DS1 is also home today. He has been coughing hard at night, so DH took him to the doctor while I was at the hospital and they think he is having a bit of allergies/asthma, not a cold or infection. Last night DS1 and I had a conversation about DS2 getting the tubes put in his ears. Basically, I summarized by saying this would help him hear better so he could learn more words. Obvious question, "which words are they going to teach him at the hospital?"

So I'm baking a cake, the boys are napping, I'm writing, and tonight we may celebrate that we are entering 2009 all a bit more prepared. DS1 with knowledge of allergies/asthma so he gets treated quicker next time, DS2 with tubes and therapy hopefully moving forward with language, me with a new occupation and financial challenges, but also hoping to be a more patient parent. Really, 2008 wasn't hell, or even horrible. But 2008 wasn't great, Obama is good, and I'll embrace the massive changes that 2008 brought; career, expanding to a family of four. But as I look to 2009, I just believe there is more for all of us to be gained in 2009.

Really Back - part 3

So I hate being sick.  It is not just the sickness itself, its that I feel I should avoid others -  I don't want to contaminate them.  I avoid the family, which totally sucks. I avoid friends and I don't  even  want to be in public.  I feel like I have super-powered cooties and anyone with in 30 feet could become as ill or worse than me.  So yeah, when I'm sick, my sense of reality becomes distorted.

The distortion usually turns depressing; I start to think my life sucks, I've accomplished nothing, built up everyone's hopes and now am under amazing pressure to do something.  I wonder why I ever married or had children, all these people I can disappoint.  I wonder why my friends aren't calling, but I'm also not picking up the phone when it rings.  I don't think any of this is rational, but when I'm really sick, I also miss out on how irrational I'm getting.  It really is an ugly side of depression mixed in with a few pharmaceutical hallucinations.  

This time around, the anxiety that came with the first antibiotic was unlike anything I had experienced before and had me in tears a lot.  I was so releeved when the nurse came and took my blood pressure a second time because she just didn't believe the jump it had in 48 hours.

But, I'm am up and about.  Saturday a cloud lifted out of my head.  Although I still had a dull headache and sinus pressure, I could feel the "sickness-induced" depression moving off.  By Sunday, I was up and about, having a normal day; took boys to fire station in the morning to drop off cookies, at which DS1 decided to throw up (can't make this stuff up), then home to friends joining us for brunch (DS1 totally fine the rest of the day), lots of play, a walk in the park next door (DS1 on his bike, DS2 in stroller napping) and a friend over for afternoon play date, then bath, video, sleep.  

Today, a "work" day.  I feel good.  Still about 5 more days of antibiotics, but I"M ALIVE!!

The boys constantly have runny noses, DS1 currently has a snot-induced cough at night.  But they seem to plow through these things and keep up their schedules.  I was wiped out.  It was unexpected, and most unwanted.  I didn't even get them to Santa, which DS1 has asked for.  I told him Santa is now recovering from his big night at the beach, so DS1 is now pleading that we return to the beach, oh it makes my heart cry on a cold day in NYC.  

In the last two weeks, the only thing accomplished was getting our insurance up and running for DS2's surgery tomorrow morning.  I did put together a Santa gift, but DH wrapped everything.  I even bought store made cookie dough for the Santa cookies on Christmas Eve.  I did manage to remember to buy carrots for the reindeer and talk one of the young wonderful doorman we have into stopping by to tell DS1 that he left the roof door open so that Santa could get to the elevator.  All of which went over very well.

The boys have amazed me, by just going with the flow; and playing more together and/or more respectfully of one another daily.  When it snowed, DS1 kept shouting for DS2 to jump in the sled.  They loved being pulled around the carpeted hallway, but as the photos show, being pulled in the snow itself was a bit scary for DS2.  They are mostly sharing their Santa toys, although they were given specific gifts.  They can now both play with cars, trucks or train sets together with minimal intervention needed for "mine" issues.  And when older kids are over to play with DS1, DS2 seems to get it.  He plays with them, but then he comes to me to do something different.  And this is still with limited vocabulary and hearing that is marginalized.

There is love between them.  It is amazingly pure.  It humbles me.  Sometimes I suck so much.  Like when I'm sick laying in bed, hating myself for ever having children in the first place.  But we will all get through it, we were brought together for some reason, and maybe someday we'll know why.

Back from the Dead - part 2

Ok, so the meal out was nice, but I wasn't able to eat a thing and continued to feel worse for the next few following days.  When I woke up on Wednesday with my head on fire, my jaw almost swollen shut, I thought, ok, enough toughing it out, off to the doctor.

Just going to the doctor made me feel better.  Actually the nurse practitioner, which I totally like and respect.  However, the sinus infection was so bad that it was now compromising the nerves in my jaw, and was not as enthusiastic as I about getting well.  I started on an antibiotic, not a penicillin, but had an allergic reaction/side effect anyway, that meant back to the doctor today.  

I'm allergic to penicillin.  This is a new thing that just started in the last couple years.  There are a variety of things that will now start a "rash" reaction for me; cleaning shrimp to cook, bug/mosquito sprays, and penicillin.  

I was in tremendous pain (head/jaw) which I self treated with Vicadin, before making back to the NP.  When I told her, she told me, "it always good to have a little vicadin around the house", which I thought made her very enlightened.  Also in addition to my usual rash had extreme anxiety.  It felt like had drank a whole case of soda and was all revved up, but without actually having the energy to do anything.  Yep, it proved true, my blood pressure had risen by 25 points!  So on to a very old antibiotic today; one I've taken historically, which is the size of a horse pill. I'm not anxious, but my jaw aches.  I've finally been able to eat a "full" meal.  Maybe by Monday I'll be writing again.

The topics I've missed, that I want to write on are:

The holidays and generosity

The updates on the first week of DS2's therapy,

Prep for surgery on Tuesday, including insurance,

the goal of more love and kindness in 2009,

Dealing with expectations of greatness.

Back from the Dead

Catching the flu, spending days in bed, is not good for ones marriage when there are little ones in the house.

So I've been out of it! I thought my head was going to explode. Pressure beyond belief. No major snot storms, like the boys which I would enter into any major Monster Truck Rally type snot blowing contest with great confidence of first and second place being ours. But amazing fatigue. Day 2 my DH decided I must be faking it or something, because he quite being nice. Of, course by this point I had decided I'd rather die than remain married to him.

But thank goodness for out of town guest. Nothing you can do but deal with them. So DH brother and family show up. His brother is a doctor. So the conversation kind of goes like this, ding-dong, I open the door, he says, "You look like hell, your sinuses are totally swollen". Gee thanks, I return to be bed but at least now DH knows I'm not faking it.

Anyway, I'm on the mend. Going out for a martini and adult-only meal; fortunately with two adults in addition to DH so I have someone to talk to. I will forgive DH by the end of the week. I will update you on the happy-go luck boys, who remain in the season of snot (Sept-May) with amazing skill and shooting ability tomorrow.

And the boys are glad I'm back to an upright position and have asked to go sit in Santa's lap. So yeah, hopefully up to 80% tomorrow so we can brave Macy's!

Early Intervention Success

Today was my meeting with the early intervention coordinators.  Frankly, it was amazing, draining, and successful.  I went in hoping to get speech therapy 2-3x week; I left with speech therapy for 30 min 3x week AND occupational therapy for 60 minutes 3x week!  This is all now set for the next six months when he'll be evaluated again.

From the start.  The city office called me several times the day before to ask simple questions, like to verify I wanted home services and in English, as well as to admonish me not to be late for the meeting.  I showed up early, to a very old building downtown, where the office clearly reeked of underfunding and lack of decor.  However, everyone was nice and friendly. 

My case worker, the service coordinator (from the agency that supplies the therapist), and the city official all sat with me in one tiny office.  The routine was new to me, but they were all professional and knew what they were doing.  The city official had a bunch of questions, i.e. how did I feel about the written valuation? (horrible) Was it accurate? (yes) Has he learned to do better on steps? (just takes them one at a time, slowly, often asks for help) Does he sleep well? (generally, once he is down) Can he brush his teeth? (somewhat, but both boys just enjoy eating the toothpaste) How does he play with his brother? (good, bad, mood dependant, toy dependant) Does he share? (no) Does he know his body parts? (maybe a few) etc. 

I answered everything honestly.  I told them how much he has improved since joining us.  That the tantrums are less, that he has almost stopped biting me, but still pinches and pulls hair.  I told them about the preschool visit and how much more behind than the other more articulate kids.  We talked about the food he eats, that he's not attached to any particular toy, but likes playing with stuff.   I talked about the lack of talking frustration in parenting.  They got it all.

Then the city offical, just made the determination.  YEAH!!! She set goals, he should have a 100 word vocabulary, he should use two word together, he should be able to name his body parts, colors, shapes, and offer me one out of a pile of items.  YEAH!!

Speech therapy is like you'd guess, focused on the lips, sounds, and some eating skills (trying to get more chewing happening).  The occupation therapy is play therapy, which is likely to help speech, but focused on basic "pre-school" skills such as learning shapes and colors, body parts, how to do puzzles, learning to build with blocks, not just throwing; all clearly focused on improving the vocabulary as well.  

They recommended a physical therapy evaluation.  I told them he's in a tumbling class 2x a week and I think he is behind due to lack of opportunity to run and use his body previously, but if they are willing to give me support here too, why not try it.  I think his balance will improve with the ear tubes.  I think he is getting stronger physically and has just started to run, really run, with his feet leaving the ground!  but he still hyper extends his shoulders and elbows due to lack of upper body strength (I guess there are push-ups in his future, and this is clearly an institutional sign from the lack of crawling).

By the end of the week I should hear from the therapist and therapy starts next week.  I'm really excited for him!!! For us!!! I wish I had started the early intervention evaluation process earlier, but it is better now than even later.  Also he would have only scored worse earlier, and we are getting great services, so its not like waiting penalized us too much.  Like I said this is all good for six months.  The case worker has already walked me through what we need to start in March to keep services continuing through a different pre-school state program for when he hits his 3rd birthday (in August).  

DS1's Birth Day Party

This weekend we celebrated DS1's 4th birthday. We celebrated a touch early, but I wanted his friends to be in town, so it was best to do it this weekend before the holiday break. Last year we had a big party, and I really felt like he understood it was his birthday. This year I let him pick the theme and help with some of the planning. I think he had fun.

Now, remind you I am by nature a planner; parties really bring that skill to task. I have fun searching for decorations, games and then going a bit over the top. This year I was hopping DS1 would choose "pirates", but no, he went abstract with a "Winter Wonder" theme. He stumped me for a while, but it all came together well. The photos tell of the ensuing riots but here are the basic elements:

Decorations:
Winter wonder, not Christmas. Snowflakes, white holiday lights, penguins, glitter, an ice cave (constructed from paper plates), white tree branches with birds and holiday lights, and of course, balloons, with branches and confetti even in the hallway.

Cake:
I love to bake, but when it comes to kids, I'm into cupcakes; easy to serve, great at sending the message of a concept. We did polar bears and penguins, in chocolate and vanilla. I actually had a different penguin idea, but I couldn't find decent donut holes any where in the city. I need the donut holes to construct the penguin heads so I had to make a last minute, morning before the party. However, I was happy with the polar bears.

Food:
Sticking with winter theme, "things a polar bear or penguin would eat"; Fish sticks (with ketchup), goldfish crackers, juice boxes and/or water. This year I made one coffee cake and a bowl of fruit for the adults. But they tend not to eat too much so very little adult food this year. We also had a kettle with apple cider on the stove.

Games:
At 4, simple is better. DH thought some of my ideas were lame (including the fish sticks), but the kids all went for it. They made snowflake ornaments, danced in the living room to Mambo music, had a snow ball fight in the boys' bedroom with 200 ping pong balls, listen to a story read by DH, ate picnic style on the living room floor, and the finally was a penguin pinata (which maybe given our recent vacation influence DS1 kept calling it the pinacolada).

Gift bags:
Simple this year. Snowflake bags with tissue, a kaleidoscope, a bounce ball or bracelet and then a wooden animal puzzle (of about five pieces; either a penguin, walrus or polar bear).

General:
The kids were awesome. The half year of preschool shows, in that the kids follow the routine, listen well and are generally very well behaved. His friends are all good kids and the parents very nice. He received entirely too much loot, but this year he wanted presents were as last year I requested books only. In planning, I invited his "cluster" of kids (12) and siblings as well as just a couple neighborhood friends. I wanted to invite a few more neighborhood friends, but we just didn't have the space.

DS1 also asked if he could invite a couple "big people". I asked, "adults?", he answered, "yes". So when I asked whom, he surprised me with a list of the four young hip doorman which have been teaching him impressive handshake skills and let him hose down the sidewalk. To my surprise, they not only showed up, but pooled their money and bought him an amazing gift (no, the 3 foot long remote control firetruck that shoots water is not allowed to go to bed with you, conversation has occurred). I love the boys, but I'm humbled by just how many people are in their world that treat them with love.

Birth Order, Parental Exposure

The first time you see fireworks, it is like WOW. The second time it is cool.

So DS1 got to be fireworks for us. DS2 gets to be cool, but seen some of this before. It is not that the milestones and growth observed is not exciting, its just not as fresh as seeing it for the first time. There is also a slight element in that I'm still getting to feel like DS2 is my child, which makes the observations just a slight bit more emotionally removed as well.

I love both boys. At the moment DS2 is a moody 4 year old and DS1 is approaching his five month anniversary with us. I would say I love them both about 75% of the time. This is clearly when they are sleeping, when they are with the sitter, and about 2/3rds of the time they are with me. Is this harsh? I don't know. But does anyone really love a 4 year old in the midst of a moody tantrum when they insist they are only going to take "blue" flavored medicine although snot is running down their entire face? Does anyone really love a kid at the moment they are trying to bite you because you took them out of the beloved bath tub? In those moments, you parent, but love is not gushing forth.

Also I'm the disciplinarian of our household. I announce bedtime. I chose the time for cutting off juice and switching to water. I'm the one that insist that "no feet on the dinner table" is a must have rule I'm not willing to bend. I'm also the one that enforces time outs for bad behaviour. So as the bad guy (or disciplinarian) I tend to put up a little wall from time to time to get things done. Without this wall, hearing "I don't like you", would really hurt. Without this wall I would be raising heathens. With this wall, I have to limit doting on the kids to when appropriate only. This discipline is parenting.

I do love the boys, but parenting sucks. I was recently hanging with someone and they said, that although my boys were daring and fun, they really had no interest in having children of their own. Then they added, "I hope you are not offended". My response, "Not offended at all, I'd encourage you not to have children if you don't want them, the work is tiring, depressing, and required. Playing with the kids is fun, hugs and kisses are fun, but parenting is such a downer. And your life changes, no more free time, no more unattached travel, no more fun late nights followed by sleeping in, no more 2 hour dinners." Looking back, there are some parenting things I enjoy; planning and executing a birthday party, exploring new things with the boys, be it a museum or just finger paints, watching them enjoy themselves, like on the beach or in a fort, all are very cool. So parenting is not all bad, just more than I expected prior to having children.

Two is harder than One

I was trying to get the boys out the door the other day, I think it was for preschool, or something where we had a deadline, really needed to be on time and they started to fall apart. It was all stupid silly stuff, "I want my polar bear gloves", when I couldn't find them, resulting in tears and the in ability of DS1's brain to connect with his feet. Then DS2 wanting to be held while I'm trying to get DS1's shoes tied. Anyway, it reved up into a tear fest for both boys and me just trying to get shoes, sweaters, coats and stroller out the door.

It is easiest to pick up DS2 and man-handle him, as he weighs less. So on with the clothes, into the stroller, on to DS1. DS1 is good with following instructions, but if DS2 is screaming, he also becomes emotional. Finally, I couldn't take the screaming any more, I reached over put my hand on DS2's mouth and said directly to him, "stop screaming, we are going out, and you really don't need to be screaming". I removed my hand and he stayed quiet. I pulled DS1 into the back of the stroller and as I was buckling him in, I thought wow, it is so much easier with one. Wow, will DS1 think we treated him like that when he was a baby? Because, frankly, we didn't. There was less to do with one, more time, greater patience. Then the guilt hits that each kid gets different treatment.

Its a birth order thing. I'm sure if we had three kids I'd be even stricter and by four I would be running a military operation. I'm a second child. I've never minded being the second child. As a second, the first is always there, so you know no difference. My husband is a first child. He remembers resenting when his younger siblings arrived. He knew he got less time and attention. But now I more closely see what he saw. It is obvious.

When I'm with only one of the boys, it is less stressful, with either one. They are different, they are motivated by different things. DS1 responds to rewards, "if you do X you get a star". DS2 responds to threats, "If you don't put your coat on I'm going without you". With only one in tow, I can work easily with the kid, neither of us find it too stressful. We can have fun. Sometimes I even get more creative, like "if you don't put your coat on the cold police will stop you from going outside", or "if you have your coat on we are more likely to see the cold bird that lives in the tree tops and creates the cold".

However, I do like going out with both boys. But it is more stressful trying to maintain the schizophrenic positioning to get them both moving. Sometimes, they are well rested, in great moods and it is easy breezy! Sometimes, I leave the lobby with two strapped in, but tearful kids.

Ears Have It

Just a quick update. DS2 and I went to the ENT (Ears, Nose and Throat) doctor today and it went well. I really liked the guy, he is with NYU, so if anyone needs a recommendation in NYC, give me a holler.

The good news, and bad news. DS2 is hearing "normally" meaning volume or decibels. He hears to 30 decibels and really should be hearing down to 15, but for a cleft kid this is normal. However, his ears are full of water, which the doctors sees as having no ventilation, which means this has been a problem for more than a year. This wasn't diagnosed by the pediatrician as they couldn't see past the wax which was removed today - about 1/2 inch in each ear. Again the Dr. said this had been there for years and I wouldn't have reached it in normal cleaning. DS2 was a trooper about removal. He sat in my lap very still and seemed relieved when it all came out. I think it relieved some pressure. He liked it so much he asked the doctor to look in his nose too.

The Dr. says the water has to come out. While he can hear sounds, the water stops the differentiation of sounds. For example, it is unlikely he can hear the difference between "p", "b", and "d". So speech acquisition is clearly affected. To remove the water, we are putting in ear tubes. About 95% of all cleft palette kids need this during childhood. It is an operation, but a quicky. The doctor says it takes 12 minutes, but DS2 still has to be fully sedated, in recovery for an hour post, and then loopy for the rest of the day. We are scheduled for December 30th.

The Dr. also thought he hasn't had chronic infections as the canal was not particularly swollen or irritated. This is all good. But everyone (meaning those who get paid) are nervous about the insurance coverage, because now I'm moving temporarily to COBRA. Should be a fun game on this one.

This coming Monday I have the "hearing" on what type of therapy and how many sessions a week DS2 is going to receive from early intervention. It is good he tested poorly upfront, as this means he may get more rather than less. With therapy coming on board, at the same time as ear tubes go in, I'm rather hopeful that we can have enough speech progression to know how he's doing by March 2009 when I have to put in the reservation for preschool. Amazing how it all goes together!

The Joy of Mondays

Today we are home.  But I am posting a few more beach photos as I wish it were still 80 degrees rather than the current 35 degrees.  When we arrived on Saturday night it was actually snowing in the city.  What a contrast!

The boys did not want to leave the beach but on Sunday they really spent the day basking in the comfort of the apartment, their familiar surroundings and their toys.  As usual, DH and I treated the weekend as suspension of any other life and continued to focus on the boys.  However, after they were in bed, DH commented that he was looking forward to getting back to work.  It was a comment that sounded so familiar.  In all my years on the Street, I have heard almost all my male colleagues at least once comment that the reason they secretly loved Mondays, was because being around the kids all weekend was too exhausting.

Well, its Monday, and I'm not going back to the job.  I'm working, but my own work, and its exciting.  It is also interesting to work from home.  The "office" is not set up, I have too many other important things to get done before sorting out a desk.  I had the opportunity to make eggs and bacon for the boys before they started their day.  I had a cup of tea before opening emails.  But I got a lot done.  I created a website today for my consulting business!  Also I got to see the kids at lunch time, and DS1 even "tried" to take a nap in my office while I worked.  

This afternoon DS2 had his preschool interview, which went well although he was the only non-verbal child there.  Wednesday is his ENT appointment for the hearing test - I still think his hearing is fine.  Also next week is the meeting for early intervention services.  I received their summary of findings; it was heart breaking.  He's significantly behind on speech and in their opinion on following directions well on multi-step tasks.  But this is all good as this implies more therapy rather than less.  But I hate to see that he is behind, but it was also in my face at the preschool visit amongst 5 other 2 year olds, which is why it may be so present on my mind at the moment.

The policy in NYC is that if you have one child in a preschool, the second is grandfathered in, such that you really only go through the motions of applying.  However, if DS2 is not ready, I may have to delay him by a year.  But by the time school starts, he will have had 8 months of early intervention services, so I am hopeful I can keep him with his age appropriate peers.  But time will tell.  The orphanage took care of him and got him to me, which I am thankful for.  But on days where I see the delays, I really went get disappointed at his early care and wish the system could be changed.

Escape artist

At the zoo today, I saw something I truly have NEVER seen before.  We saw an animal escape!

The zoo in St. Maartin is a bit lovely and decrepit all rolled into one.  There is a snake room and a bat cave, along with a lot, a lot, of parrots, Macaws and monkeys, but few other animals; turtles, bunnies, goats, and a couple raccoons.  Some of the exhibits are no longer open, the walk through area with ducks, although the ducks can still be seen from the outside.  The indigenous animals sneak in as well; rats, lizards and iguanas.  There actually is an official spot for the lizards, turtles and iguanas although they seem to have free reign of the whole zoo.

So we were walking over toward the iguanas, and I told DS1, "look one is on a post".  This is the post where at one time there was a plaque that said the proper name of the animal, but the plaque is missing.  As DS1 ran to the iguanas, the thing lept from the post to the viewing wall, to the ground and ran!  It was an escape!  Wow.  I had my camera up and focused on the creature when it was on the post, but I was so shocked the thing could leap a good 3 feet from a standing still position on the post I simply didn't thing to pull the trigger on the camera.  I was shocked by the whole event.  Wow.  Really, the whole episode reminds me that if you believe, then anything is possible!

Milestones

On this vacation I have noticed a few new milestones in the kids that I think are pretty major.

First, they are now able to go through the bed time routine together and sleep together.   No separate beds in same room, but really sharing a bed and making it through the night.  Amazingly no one has fallen out of bed yet; although the photos testify to the odd sleeping pair they make.  And DS2 hangs out quietly after DS1 falls asleep, even if I stick my head in and he's still awake. But DS1 is oddly proud to have responsibility of sleeping on the outside edge and taking care for DS2.  There was a time, really only weeks ago, that I thought this day would never arrive.

Second, they are interacting with each other and others.  The boys are playing together, but also fighting over toys.  I think this is good.  DS1 is now willing to not share sometimes, which I think means he is now out of polite mode.  Also they are both more willing to make friends for the day at the beach.  Even with DS2 getting in the mix without speaking. 

Third, DS2 has finally started to run.  He was walking quickly, but I always thought it was a major step for a kid to finally trust leaving the ground for a split second and run.  He is doing it!  He chases me up and down the beach.  He runs after his brother.  And today I even got him to copy me in hopping.

Finally, DS2 has added a powerful word to his vocabulary; "mine".  It is coming from friends that are visiting us.  Their daughter is 2 and half and at the "mine" stage.  With DS1 it was  a short stage, so I'd forgotten about it, but I'm glad to see DS2 finally figure out that he can express ownership.  I would like to believe the more he understands that words help others give him what he wants, the more likely he is to speak.

The milestones sneak up.  One day I realize they are doing something I haven't seen before, but then I don't always remember what started it, or to mark the accomplishment.  But in the last 10 days, the boys have enjoyed the family time, pushed all my buttons, but still made me smile at their silliness, love and ability to grow.

Marriage and Children - Catch 22

We haven't chatted about it, but I think kids in general are just hell on a marriage.  It's a real catch 22 situation.

First the kids create a lack of time for spending with the spouse. This is coupled by the kids causing an emotional drain that leaves little energy for DH, if not straight out jealousy as one spouse or another feels slighted/less loved, and as one spouse or another feels like they are caring too much of the work load taking care of the kids. Finally, it is the lack of time/energy for intimacy, which is how the kids got here in the first place.  

I love my husband, but in the process of adopting, adding another child, another demanding child to our mix, I have asked him to move out more than once. Why he doesn't go, I don't know. But there he's still here and I glad he didn't go.

The odd part is that sometimes I'm sure I love him, more than the kids, but other times the kids really need me and he gets nothing; time, emotion, support, or thought. When DH and I are in a good groove as a couple, it is then that I resent the changes to our life that children brought the most. Then I swear the kids pick up on it and get more demanding of me, which ends some of the free time grove with DH.

Beyond my own feelings about "us", the kids bring out issues we have to address between us, before taking it to the kids. For example, bonding. Each of us is bonding with DS2 at our own pace. But I find comfort in that at least we can laugh together at the stupidity of some situations; even if other times we drive each other crazy over differences in how we want to do things (see below) with the kids.

Disciplining is often a touchy issue, as I'm more strict than DH. I think dressing them is a slight issue, as I don't care if they match; DH doesn't like it. I think food is an issue, as DH wants to eat at nice places, and I really don't like spending money for good food that I'm going to eat cold, after getting both kids "organized". Finally, there is the innately female ability to anticipate likely needs, which DH doesn't get that can lead to strife between us. For example, the other day we were coming out of the subway and I said, look at me, stroller and child in one arm, holding hands with the other child in the other hand. He said, " ok , so I'm not doing something." It is not that he's not doing something, it is that he just doesn't see it ahead of time like I do. I'm the planner, I anticipate.  On a good day this is a little laugh, on a bad day this is the start of a fight.

I've never thought "marriage" is forever. I know there are things I won't tolerate, and things he too should not tolerate. I think kids really challenges most assumptions about why we throw our lot in together. However, tag teaming the kids is a good thing most of the time. And I still love my husband when I can carve out the time to be with him, not just around him. I don't think this issue is particularly adoption related, just parenting 101. But it was on my mind, so know it is on paper.

The thrill

There are things in life that are thrilling.  There are things that are not.  But, I really love the thrilling stuff. Thrilling in a fun, but not scary way!

I always love the firemen.  DS1 and I have this in common.  Earlier this week we stopped by the fire station in St. Maartin.  Out of the 8 guys in the station only one could speak English (I'm being generous here) and he told us to come back on Friday.  OK, odd request, but I'm willing to comply.  So Friday was the annual day at the fire station, where they brought out all the trucks, let everyone climb on, and had all sorts of demonstrations; we saw the cherry-picker bucket get fully extended and a fake car accident where they brought out a diamond tip saw and cut out a windshield, jaws of life where they cut the top off of a car, and then put the "victim" on a stretcher.  It was awesome!!  We spent a solid two hours there before the beach.  

There were like 100 school kids all there.  It was interesting as they all reacted to DS2.  Frankly, I don't think very many Asians make it to these parts.  The 10-12 year old girls were very interested, and trying to tickle him and such.  He was a good sport, but I did have to pick him up and move him, twice.

Also I accidentally de-tailed another lizard today.  A tiny little guy, which was in the door way and I needed to move him to close the door.  The alternative was to squish him.  The thrill was in that once the tail comes off, it really dances around for a while.  I know, gross, but also oddly thrilling.  

Today the boys helped me gather a large bag of sea shells.  The thrill of the chase, the capture, the was and shine.  

Overall a good day; left with the thrill of what tomorrow brings.  

Family Dinners

Ok, I'm old fashion.  I believe we should sit down and eat dinner like a family when we can.  Prior to DS2 joining us that was about 6 days a week.  No tv (another thing I'm old fashion on, only one in the house and only 30 minutes a day) during dinner, and it eaten around a table (whether I cook or order in).  

However, with the addition of DS2 and the start of preschool for DS1, I've got the boys bed time routine moved forward to lights out at 8 pm instead of 9 pm, which means DH and I eat after the boys go to bed.  But not while on  vacation.  I thought it would be great to eat together. 

And it is.  But how many times must I say, " don't put your feet on the table", "don't stick the fork in your nose", "yes, you can eat with your fingers over waiting for me to feed you every bite", "if it is too hot, just spit it out on your plate".  Overall, the boys are good.  And I try not to linger with the family meal, get in and out as quickly as possible, while still sitting long enough to feed everyone and have some sort of conversation. But, wow, not as relaxing as one would hope.  But they are still young and I have time to mold them. 

 This week we've had the luxury of grilling outside which is just amazing.  Yeah, I'd love to have a NYC apartment with a balcony and a grill.  But even 12 years on the Street for mid-level person like myself that did luxury was not afforded; and I think grills are technically illegal in the city although you see them everywhere.  Also, grilling means all my boys want to play with the weapons.

I even made the boys dress up one night as we went in to eat at one of the harbors.  I was trying to get one of the boys dressed in a nice shirt, I was still in my underwear, when DH said, "mommie looks sexy".  He was quickly corrected by DS1, "Mommie's not sexy, she's naked".  So you can see, even getting to the dinner table is ego deflating.  

So to those who look each other in the eye during a family meal, which is also a Thanksgiving tradition, I salute you and attempt to join you!

Thanksgiving

As it is Thanksgiving week, I've thought of one more story to share.  Years ago, and I do mean years ago, I was around 15 years old and my mom and I went to some arts and craft type gathering of church women. I remember the preacher's wife had organized it.  After our activities, and I don't remember what we made, maybe a quilt, we made a circle, held hands, and the preacher's wife said we should share something for which we were thankful.  The first thought through my head was, "I'm glad I'm alive."  

 

This "thanks is not terribly specific, but it was my first thought.  Maybe its even selfish.  But really, it's all encompassing.  I have had highs and lows, good and bad, marriage, divorce and marriage.  And still, I'm generally happy to be alive.  There are people that I am thankful for having known, people who I'd like to forget but still taught me something, and people I have forgotten, but contributed along the way.  There are things I've done that I am proud of, but there is a longer list of things I would still like to do, and a very long list of things I would like to improve about myself.  I am amazed by the people in and around my life.  I am amazed by other people that I have never known, but only read about.  Some days I'm not sure I have the life I want, or wanted, but generally, I'm glad to be alive and to have the chance to do something.  I know I still have more to do.  So no thanks for anything specific, just thanks for the opportunity to be and to try.  I will take this opportunity to try my best; for the kids, for my family, for me, for the world.  I'm sorry I'm so selfish, but this is where I am.

Ideal Days

Today was generally ideal.  It could have gone better, but that would have been asking too much!

First, today is the fish market day in St. Maartin.  We took the boys and they got to see real beautiful fish, even if they are dead.  DS1 liked the exercise of which head goes with which fillet.  We picked up beautiful Mahi Mahi steaks which we cooked on the grill this evening.

This morning we made it to the zip-lines for DS1 and mommie bonding time.  With DS2 on board, I frankly get  a lot less time with DS1.  It was great. For the first 3 lines, he was scared.  They were rope ladders and climbing.  But by the fourth he had the swing of things and was really having fun.  By the fourth we were more significantly off the ground and I was starting to wonder why I thought this would be good at all!

In the afternoon we went to my husband's favorite beach, which made him happy.  It is a good beach when there is no wind and today there was none.  There were nice people sitting around us, and none of the other families minded when DS2 stole their beach toys.  DS1 tried to pee on the back of DH lounge chair, which I thought was taking laziness to a new level.  The waiters we knew from years past, which was awesome, but also made me jealous of that young unattached life style.

The boys now have the post beach bathing routine down.  DS2 had a major melt down over a juice box.  Partially my fault, but also his.  I decided I wasn't going to give it to him unless he indicated through word or gesture.  He can nod his head yes and sign drink.  But he didn't want to.  I don't think he'll talk unless I stop just handing him things, so I asked, "do you want a juice box?" DS1 said yes and took it.  DS2 stared at me.  I said tell me yes or no.  He stared.  Juice box went back in fridge.  Battle ensued.  In the end I put him in the tub with no juice box.  But when it was time to come out of the tub, he was willing to say no the first time and yes the second.  so I may feel like a meanie some times, but I think I'm dealing with a very old curmudgeon. 

Dinner was nice, out on the patio.  The new question from DS1 is "where did object X come from?"  So fish from the ocean, juice box from the factory, salad from a plant, etc.  No spotting of the tail-less lizard today, but overall a very nice day. But we did discover the island has a zoo with a bat cave, so we may check that out tomorrow.

Adoption on Vacation - part 2

DS1 had a complete melt down at breakfast, that was really beyond belief; three neighboring tables commented on it.  So bad that I cancelled our zip-lining for the day.  Of course this general stress put DS2 in a stressed way which means, every time he got near me he pulled my hair, bit or tried to scratch me, in his attempt to make sure... I don't know what.... I still love him?  

Then we are on a beach, and a very nice woman in the umbrella beside us starts asking questions.  Yes, adoption questions.  Part of this is my husband beams to anyone in ear shot that we recently adopted.  I'm totally polite, but I'm having a rough day.  Then we go to lunch, up in the beach restaurant, where both boys are just bad. Hitting each other, throwing sand.  I get back to the chair, with fussy toddler.  I wash the sand off, wrap him in a towel, and hold him till he falls asleep, which is about 5 minutes as he is now two hours past his nap time.  

The neighbor lady say to me, "So how's it going? Has it worked out like you thought?"  Sometimes people really don't know what they are asking, who they are asking it of and/or what appropriate timing is.  I turned to her, a bit like the little girl in the exorcist, and said, "This is f---ing hell.  I don't know what I was thinking.  I'm sure it will get better, but it really sucks and I'm not sure I can wait till he starts speaking before losing my mind."  This surprisingly, didn't bring forth the usual "bless you" or smile.  However, the lady was kind and was supportive.  We chatted for a while.  Then she asked why I adopted.  

Usual story, no need, wanted to give a kid a home and thought I had the home and heart to offer.   Then I  told her about the "god bless you"s and that I didn't do it to do a good deed.  That I'm shocked at what we are into, but we are still in the early stages and adding a toddler to a family with a toddler isn't easy.  We chatted about the lack of physical development in DS2 that I believe we have already started to overcome, that I think he is really smart, but just lazy in the language department, because (1) he's expressive without language and (2) I'm in-tune with him enough to anticipate 95% of the requests.  But its the last 5% that causes the tantrums and the frustration.  She then told me she understood why I didn't like the "God bless you"s and that I'm right, this is like the frustration raising kids, adopted or not.  I asked if she was religious, and she said, "Honey, I'm a minister." OUCH!  

Then she told me I should write about this experience, because people need to know its not simple, easy, or love at first sight for everyone.  So, if I can face a minister head on with my diatribes and not offend, then I feel a bit better about this blog.  

Losing a Tail

There are things that shouldn't happen in front of an almost four year old.  Yesterday afternoon we were getting ready to leave for somewhere, I don't remember, when DS2 decided it was the opportune moment to make a big poopie.  Well, DH strapped DS1 into the car seat in the car and DS2 and I ran inside for a quick change.  When I went to throw out the diaper, there was a lizard on the edge of the tub.  I grab DS2 to show him.  We scared the poor lizard and it fell into the tub.

Once in the tub, and in a slight panic, the lizard was unable to crawl out.  I caught it, truly not a fair battle, and lifted it out by its tail.  DS2 was a bit delighted and horrified, but willing to touch it.  I didn't want DS1 to miss out, so I ran out to the car with the lizard.  He was amazed, "mommie, the lizard queen".  I gave the lizard to DH to show DS1, by the tail, and ran back inside to finish my work.  When DS2 and I got out to the car, we heard quite a tale. 

Apparently, the lizard's tail broke off, and the little guy was still in the care somewhere.  This turn of events made me sad.  But I figured the little lizard was ok and alive.  However, a tale breaking off in front of an almost four year old is not a good thing; it elicits a lot of questions.  Where did it go? Will it grow a new tail? Can you put the tail back on? Does he need it? Why did the tail come off? Does it want to go to the beach? How did you catch it? Why can't you catch it now? etc.

Well, there is a happy ending, this morning, I first opened the drivers door, to open the trunk.  Our rental car is from the 1960s with only a pull for the trunk and catch this, a cassette player!  I threw our bag in the trunk and opened the other side back door for DS1.  He said, " Hey, there is our lizard!"  Sure enough the little guy was unmistakable with the missing 2 inches from his tail, sitting on the head rest of the front seat.  We scared him out the open drivers door.  This made me Happy.  He was alive; he's back were he belongs; I'm confident he will grow a new tail!

Adoption on Vacation

While we are at home, people look, some ask questions, all our friends and family know; DS2 is adopted.  But on vacation it seems funny, in the funny odd way, that it comes up.  So far so good, just funny. But I guess this too is a sign that DS2 is starting to become less "Chinese" looking to me, just "kid" looking.

First, we have a place we go to every year for our beach toys.  This year we came in and the store guy was totally attracted to DS2.  He asked if he was Chinese, Korean or Vietnamese.  This made me pause, because clearly he was saying the big three Asian adoption locals.  It turned out his sister runs an agency that helps people adopt from Vietnam.  He was excited to meet DS2, who only wanted to hit me with the beach shovel and keep everyone at bay with the rake.  When I mentioned he had cleft lip/palette, he said "I'd noticed".  This was  a first for me.  Most people don't notice, but he knew what he was looking for.  Overall a positive experience. 

Yesterday we were on a small boat out to an island.  And a woman was trying to figure out how old DS1 was.  I said he's almost 4 and the little guy is 2.  She asked, "are they both yours?"  I said, yes.  She said, "interesting."  It was odd, but she was French, with a thick accent, so I decided something might have been lost in translation. 

Today we were on a known to be kid-friendly beach.  Even if you walk out about 100 yards, it is still only 3 feet deep.  A bigger family group joined us, sitting in the seats by us.  They kept looking at me and DS2 (DS1 and DH were way, way out in the water jumping off a raft).  Finally they started talking to us.  Very nice people from Tennessee.  But it became clear I was doing a "good Christian" thing.  This always catches me off guard.  I don't mind people saying "God bless you"; I will take all the blessing I get, from any one or being.  What I find interesting is that this one act, having DS2 in my life makes me bless-able.  I mean hey, there are people who adopted in a less transparent manner than me.  And isn't just trying to raise a kid, any kid including the biologically derived type worthy of being blessed.  Finally, I was raised Christian, but I'm still a sinner in so many ways, and no longer willing to associate my spirituality with any organized religion, is my adoption choice really a "good Christian" act.  I am raising him to be a heathen.  If they knew more would I be un-blessed?  

Anyway,  the boys are having fun.  DS1 is out in the water, bouncing, jumping, swimming with too little fear for me to be comfortable.  DS2 likes sitting on the beach and digging.  When I get him to dig down at the surf line, he gets really mad at the waves.  It makes me laugh.  DS1 is too charged to nap until the end of the day, in the car. Typically out before the end of the parking lot. DS2 crashes after food and a poop, fairly reliably. Up playing one minute, out stone cold the next.  I've always thought beach naps are the best, all that fresh salt air coming being breathed deeply in.

Yesterday, everyone was grumpy, today was great.  There is something about the surf I find so soothing, that work/real life has to fight to stay in my mind. This may be a good thing for a few days. On to tomorrow.

Quick Hello from St. Maartin

So we are here; in 90 degrees of glorious warmth.  The crickets, or frogs, are chirping.  The boys are already in bed.  We finished a bottle of wine.  And I feel like all the assholes in the world are surmountable!

Tonight, I let the boys watch a little Wallace and Gromit.  If you don't know it, it is awesome British claymation.  There was a chase scene playing and I was sitting across from the boys watching them as they watched the video.  DS1 was giggling with his eyebrows arched in wide arches.  DS2 was watching with eyebrows in upside down "v"s as if he was thinking, what is this idiocy.  I thought wow, how much they will learn from each other in the years to come as they start sharing their perspectives on the world.

I also marvel at the comparison of third world travel to not.  We are in our villa with wi-fi, lizards running by, but clean floors, working refrigerator and air conditioning, real air conditioning.  The boys are sleeping in one bed together, which DH and I pulled of the box springs to the floor, just in case anyone rolls out.  I think if they find a lizard, we'll hear about it.

DS2 was a struggle all day of travel.  He wasn't really "bad" just fussy and wanting to be held the whole time.  I think there are fears in an internationally adopted child that are hard to address.  His last plane trip, was his exit from China.  And here we are bringing him to another interesting, but vastly different place again. New smells, new foods, new language.  No wonder he wants to be held.  However, he seems to have no problem flirting with the French women!

It is also interesting  to be on vacation while unemployed.  I'm too sensitive to cost.  Frankly, the more I focus on it, the poorer I feel.  Which means I need to be wise to a budget, but not so intense as to suck the fun out of it.  However, tomorrow to the grocery store, which I love here.  It has all these brands I don't know, but enough for the boys that I do know.  And to the beach, to bring color back to this Puerto Rican soul.  Yeah, sun screen for the boys, and a shirt for DH.

So Life is Bizarre

So it would be fair to say that I'm totally excited about my future.  It would also be fair to say that I'm terrified.  

What does the future hold for the kids?  What does it hold for me? Will they have what they need?  Will they the face the stimulation they need to grow into great young men?  Or will they become something less?  I want them to pursue their dreams, which means I have to show them that I am willing to pursue mine as well.  And if I fail?   Would that still teach them to go forth and conquer?  Or would I show them the tough consequences associated with pursuit of the ideal?  Ugh!  

Frankly, it is really f---ing hard to pursue the dream.  Maybe that is not true for everyone, but it is for me.  I feel like I'm putting my family at risk; can I start a business, or three, and still be involved with the kids, pay the bills, and have fun.  But even as I write the sentence it sounds like fun and I'm so ready for the challenge.  I just have to go do it. There really is no doubt.  Any alternative to pursuit of the dream is settling.  I'm not ready to settle. I've always become rather miserable and miserable to be around when I settle for less than the dream.  

So,  in the last week every item in my life has found a little deadline.  For DS1, I need to get his birthday party date set, invites out, and planned.  DS2, we need to complete the Early Intervention process and get therapy started in December/January.  For old employer, need to return some little things (Blackberry), and get my files.  For consulting, there is a conference in January that I need to attend, and then the start of my marketing of me (this will be an interesting new challenge)! For the toy company, the first production run completes in late February, then I will unveil the website and start getting retailers, also there is a big trade show we are going to in May, and there is a children's book conference in late January where I can start learning the basics of that market.  

So off on vacation for two weeks, which will include creating a variety of business models, frozen drinks on the beach and sun, glorious sun.  And come home ready to attack.  I will try to blog while on vacation, but not sure how often - it may just be a photo post or two like last time.