Thing One and Thing Two Update - part 1

Last week within the hour of losing my job, DS2 received his State appointed Early Intervention Assessment.  Yesterday, I attended DS1’s first preschool parent/teacher conference.  So what order to present?

Today that was an issue, what order, how to juggle two, as I had DS1 sick on the couch and DS2 screaming, literally screaming for attention as I was trying to see if DS1 needed the bucket for throwing up.  I do love them both, but they both make it hard some times.  And reasoning with either child, yes they are both under the age of four, is next to impossible.  Then they both surprise me and make me think I’m the asshole in the equation.  Yeah, mommie guilt.

So, Thing One.

On Sunday this last week we went to a birthday party for one of his friends.  It was at a ceramic/arts craft place.  A pretty cool party over all.  What amazed me was his ability to follow instructions, wait patiently and participate.  I would estimate that six month ago I was worried that he seemed to only learn by watching, but now he could clearly listen and follow instructions.  He is still a suck-up; totally sits near the leader/teacher of the activities.  Or maybe he's used to this due to how we work in the kitchen together. But what surprised me was his participation.  He used to watch everything and do only 30-50% of the activities.  But he was with it all, 100%.  Even at the dance time, he was totally busting moves I’d never seen before.  I will post the video as soon as I figure out how to do that.  There was even a game, which he didn’t seem particularly into, but he did it anyway.

Then at the parent/teacher meeting the teachers confirmed my suspicions, the kid is growing up.  He is helpful in the class, nice to his friends and all the other kids as well.  He is now participating in activities, which at the beginning of the school year he wasn’t.  He rotates through all the class activities and doesn’t seem to avoid anything.  He is showing a good attention span.  Most important to DH, he is now counting to 5, without skipping four.

Here’s the amazing part, his teacher brought up that in the infamous “theater movement” class and music time, he is showing a lot of new moves that have really surprised them.  Well, that’s two of us! DH thinks its the Latin blood showing. He dresses himself – i.e., puts his jacket for terrace time, and buttons his pants after going “pee”.  These last items are great, but why then does he insist I do it at home?  Also you don’t know it until you are there, but just because the kid can poop in the potty doesn’t mean you are off the hook.  I have no idea for how long I’ll be wiping for him.

In NYC there is a lot of peer pressure to start kids in pre-school at age 2.  However, I chose to wait until he was 3.  Not that he was sitting at home doing nothing; the kid has a bigger social life than I ever have with ballet and Spanish classes.  But today, waiting until he was 3 to start the formal everyday school, feels like a good choice.

On the downside, DH thinks that I’m taking out all my frustration on the boys and asking too much from them, but DS1 particularly.  The weird part is, that I know I ask a lot from the boys, but I think I’m asking a ridiculous amount from DS2 more than DS1.  Maybe it’s the second time around guilt?  I feel guilty that the second child gets less attention, which makes me expect more from both so we can have more time doing fun things rather than routine activities.  Maybe I’m missing the point, the boys like doing the routine stuff, its only me feeling like it should be more.  Also the boys are so young that they will not actually remember any of our activities, so why do I try so hard.  But I can’t wait until they are older to have fun.  Yeah, mommie guilt is always there.  And frankly the boys do step up to almost every challenge I throw their  way.  Also, the really have DH wrapped around their little pinkies.

To be continued.

 

How DS1 views adoption

On the play ground shortly after we returned from China, I meet one of DS1's friend's older sister. She's 7. She didn't believe DS1 had a brother and came to check him out for herself after DS1 had told her he was there.

She informed me, "He's adopted, his face is not like yours". I said "yes, he is adopted, he is DS1's brother and we all have different faces." She was cool with that. DS1 was happy with that response. However, this made me think that while I had told DS1 we were adopting, I wasn't sure I had told him that he himself was not, and the "blended family" approach is something I might need to give him ammunition on. But what do you tell a 3, almost 4 year old?

So, we had a talk. I only wanted to explain basics and not give more information as necessary. But I also want him to have the ammunition necessary to explain things to friends or on the playground. I told him he grew in my belly. That all babies grow in some one's belly, specifically women's, bellies. That DS2 grew in his mommie's belly in China. However she wasn't able to take care of DS2 and asked us to help out. We did so, because we wanted another child in the family. Now he is my son, his brother. That they happen to came from different women's belly's, but that we were a family now. He had no questions. He just wanted to know who else we were going to play with that afternoon.

A week later we went to a karate introductory class, without DS2. We were a bit early, and the teacher was trying to make small talk with him, which if you have ever tried to make small talk with a 3 year old, is an interesting task. He asked DS1, "what did you do this summer? "
"I got a new brother."
"Did the stork bring him?" the teacher asked.
"We got him in China" stated matter of factly.
"Wow."
"I'm from China too!" says my blond-haired blue-eyed son.
"Really?"
"Yes, but I came first!"

Given he's starting preschool, I'm sure more questions are to come. I'm trying to bring it up once a week or so, just to see if there are any questions.

Sunday night he surprised me and asked me why DS2 blows his nose a lot. I hadn't expected to discuss cleft lip/palate this early, but I jumped in. I reminded him that DS2's mommie in China need help taking care of him and one of the reasons was that DS2 had a hole between his mouth and nose. That made it hard for him to eat. I further explained that most of the hole has been fixed. However, DS2 blows his nose sometimes because there is still a little hole in there and he is cleaning it. Going for the boy approach, I explained that if we feed DS2 spaghetti bolognese, we might get some red sauce out his nose. This lead to an interesting discussion of the rest of bath time talking about different foods we could give DS2 to make different colors. Of course, DS2 was there for the whole discussion and didn't seem to mind.

Preschool Starts

"Yeah!" for the people who teach preschool. I am consistently amazed at the souls that choose interacting with the under five crowd as a way to make a living. This is an emotional, sensitive and wet (snotty, among other liquids) group. Bless them!

DS1 was a trouper yesterday and walked around the room, play space, cubby holes and all that jazz with the assistant instructor while DH and I sat with the primary instructor; in tiny little chairs at a tiny little table (no tea or pills involved). She, the lead teacher, is very cool. I liked her from the moment she said hello. The assistant instructor also very cool, and a Latino! Great vibes! In NYC, and I think NY state, all preschool teachers have to have a master degree. This blows my mind, but clearly creates some great educational environments.

We chatted on what DS1 does when he's mad (not really much), his general awesome temperament, what things he enjoys, his verbal (extreme!) and counting skills (still working on getting passed #5). He had no food allergies, so all good there. I did volunteer to bake for the class, anything they need. And yes, I've already been called on for monday; my mission is cookies without any egg product; so far thinking oatmeal raisin, but I'll come up with a few choices to cover the next few weeks. I love to bake when the end product quickly moves out our front door it is clearly a win-win scenario for the enjoyment of baking and the size of my thighs.

We also took DS2 along for the meeting. He loved the classroom as well. I mentioned the obvious, that he was adopted, but then also mentioned he was adopted just 6-7 weeks ago. I wanted them to know in case DS1 brought it up in class since it is all (adoption and preschool) is so new to us. Big surprise, DS1's new teacher, and educator of 20 years, African-American (Im guessing, could be Latina?), is an adoptee!! She volunteered the information in a happy and excited tone! I didn't ask any question, but I can't wait too.

This morning was the official first day of class, albeit with half the kids, and only half the half day, which means around an hour and only 10 kids. DS1 and I went to preschool, after cooking breakfast together with DS2 and the sitter. It was the first time DS2 was in the kitchen while cooking and it was fun. DS1 was trying to get him to help, but he really just wanted to watch and chew on a spatula, which, in my view, is a good start. The sitter just takes notes. She hadn't made scrabbled eggs with cheese before, so she thought that was cool, but was worried that I let DS1 break open all the eggs. But we had a great hour together cooking and eating and all bonding all four ways!

Back to preschool, it was cool. We went to our, or DS1's, cubby and put in the clothes for "accidents" and deposited the puppy that "had" to come along from home. And I put in my bag assuming that I'd be staying. Of the 10 kids there, and I should say half have a different head teacher and assistant, so in total we were 2 head teachers, 2 assistant teachers, 10 kids and 10 accompanying adults, there was only two other mommies, the rest were sitters. Clearly, this is a working crowd. Several kids had siblings in the upper levels, which made them familiar with the school. Only one little girl had not been to any separation class and was clinging. The rest were into exploration, but mostly parallel play, which is clearly a step back from his typical play-date or playground pick-up game. The teacher said this is common until the parents disappear and then the kids really start talking to one another. Overall, I think he had fun. I was jealous, it is definitely a cool way to spend a few hours; play dough, blocks, animal toys, gym and song and circle time.

On the way out, I asked the teacher if there was an adoption network at the school. She said no, but that she would help me get one started. I'm excited about this. The school is a pre-K through 12th grad school, with about 40 -50 kids at each grade, and we are in the heart of NYC, so I'm guessing there will be 10-15 adopted families, and maybe a few considering the choice? We'll find out more in a few days.

My goals in preschool are:
-for DS1 to have a blast, and maybe to learn too count to ten
-for DS2 to get some age and skill appropriate play time for him
-for me to meet some cool parents, and
-to not over extend myself and become too involved.

Well, in two days of school stuff, I think goals #1 and #2 are looking good, and I'm only obligated to baking for any and all occasions and starting an adopted family network! Awesome!

7/5/08 - The Three Year Old's View

Regarding what ds 1 knows/understands about the adoption of ds2 so far. When we first started the process, about 20 months ago, I think we told ds1. He had just turned 2 year olds. I’m not sure he cared much. However when we received the first referral photos, we told him he was gaining a brother and showed him the photos. They have been on the living room wall and we talk about it with each other and guest regularly. At this time he was about to turn 3 years old. Then in March, we got an updated photo and unlike the first summer shot with shaved hair, the updated photo was in the winter with ds2 having hair. At first ds1 was a bit confused and thought that maybe they were two different brothers he was getting. However, since then he realizes that both photos are of the same boy, gaining only one brother.

As things have become a bit more active lately, he has overheard many conversations about his brother. Not surprisingly, ds1 is also talking more and more about his brother coming. I have told him that we are leaving in 10 days. The questions are interesting. First it was necessary to explain that his friends have siblings. For example one of my girl friends has two kids and I said just like her ds1 has a younger brother ds2, we would be gaining ds2. At first he wanted her child. But I explained that my girlfriend wanted to keep him and we had to go get our guy in China, who needed a family. I've explained that China is far away, showed ds1 where we are and where China is on the map. I’m not sure he understands the distance, but likes the idea of a long airplane ride. His response was that ds2 would like airplanes as they give drinks and snacks.
I had a phone conversation with my father which I ended by saying, " I love you." ds1 had a melt down, "you don't love him, you love me". So we had to have a discussion that I love him, and dh, and my parents, and ds2. Again pointing to friends that have two children was helpful. Ds1 caught on quickly, he decided if some of his friends mommies have two kids than it would be ok for us two. Still not totally happy that I love my parents, but ok with the idea that we all need to love ds2.

But in the last 48 hours, ds1 has noticed the intensity of activity is picking up. today we picked out a stroller that seats two. He is very excited about it. also a bigger/jogger single stroller, as his is getting small and I've started a 10,000 steps a day program (basic exercise and a subject of a whole different blog). Tonight ds1 asked why is ds2 in China. I approached the topic that he was born there and some people are taking care of him, but we need to go get him. We still haven't covered the idea that babies are “born”. Still the question hasn't come up so we didn't touch on it. Then on the way home from a walk he had a complete melt down in that he wanted ds2 to be at our house in 5 minutes. Dh answered, “so does mommie”. However, there is no way for that to happen. Its cute but also gut wrenching.

Its a holiday weekend so we have more time than usual to discuss the pending changes, more time than usual to run into friends who ask and I happy to discuss developments. Ds1 gets it ds2 is coming along with a lot of changes, but I don't think he gets how big the change will be. Honestly I'm not sure dh and I know how great the changes will be. But BRING IT ON!!

7/4/08 - Musings of a mommie on a holiday weekend

Why do I have to say all the “no-nos” explicitly. For example:

• no pooping in the shower, it is the same rule as the bath tub,
• no hitting also means no smacking or kicking mommie
• no peeing out the window, yes I know there is a tree out there
• how can ds1 and daddy find any humor on Sponge Bob?
• And yes, Sponge Bob is wearing underwear so you must too.
• how did he learn to press the elevator close door button?
• Yes, you can teach ds2 to climb a ladder, but can we also teach him to hug?
• why is your breath horrid when you crawl in beside me at 5 am?
• Why are your feet cold as ice when you refuse air-conditioning on an 80 degree night and are too hot to sleep in your room?
• Why do you tattle on your daddy? I don't need to know he gave you juice after I said water.
• How is this queen size bed going to fit all four of us?

Yes, I realized I veered off the "no-nos", but was on a roll. I guess the real thought on my mind today is the "stop" and "no-no's” that ds1 understands but that ds2 will not. Adopting a toddler means adopting a mobile human being that is ready to start testing the limits of their own physicality. He has only has heard Chinese (I assume), so I can't expect an immediate response to words from me. How long until he scares me to death by running to the street, to a dog or to a stranger? How much holding is necessary, without being stifling to his need to explore? How much will he fight against holding my hand while crossing the street? Will strangers think I'm kidnapping someone else’s child? Wow, we are both in for a ride.

Yesterday ds1 and I had a mommie & son day. We went to work, where he joined a pack of roving kids in the office. I feared for the moment they turned against the adults in the office, but we feed them enough cookies it never happened. Then we went to Chinatown for lunch. I want to expose him to more authentic food than what we get in the upper west side (NYC). He loved the BBQ, what type of meat I'm honestly not sure, either pig or duck. He did not like the congee, but I wanted to have it to see what ds2 is eating. I've been amazed that ds1 is still color/race blind. I guess this is the advantage of growing up in NYC, he's seen everything. His daytime sitter is kind of dark skinned South American. Her best fellow nanny-friends are dark skinned, from the various Caribbean Islands. Last weekend we were in Central Park at a water fountain and ds1 was jumping over the spray, but occasionally other kids would come up to fill their squirt guns or water balloons. One very dark skinned child came up and was filling his bottle, he was around 8 or 9 years old. Just as I was thinking "he has the most beautiful skin I have ever seen", ds1 reached out and stroked his shoulder. The kid looked at ds1 but recognized he was a baby and said nothing. It was the first time I think ds1 noticed skin color. But our trip to Chinatown, in a restaurant where we were the only Caucasians (which I use loosely as I am Puerto Rican) and every one was speaking Chinese, failed to raise any questions from him about differences. This is amazing as ds1 is an endless source of questions. I choose not to bring it up myself, as I like that he hasn’t noticed yet. I’m sure not going to point it out.

However, I wonder if ds2 will be aware we are different race up front? I assume he hasn't had as diverse of as early viewing, but I don’t know.

From the restaurant we went for ice cream. Of course, he loved it. Then to Toys-R-Us at Times Square to ride the Ferris wheel. First, I'm seriously not comfortable with great heights. But the highlight, for me, at lunch he told me I'm his best friend!! Who needs love when you can be the best friend!! However, I realize the best friend status changed within 5 minutes
I forgot, while we were in Chinatown, we stopped by the big Buddha. We sat in the main sanctuary and watched older Chinese women come in light incense and say prayers. He had a ton of questions; are they real candles? Do we need to call the fireman? Why are they leaving oranges (honestly, this one I did not know the answer to)? But we had a nice time. I was raised American Baptist, in Mormon country, but while abroad attended the Church of England and now my parents are Methodist. I no longer believe in organized religion. However I believe we are all one, and collectively we are a higher power. So when he asked if we should pray, I just said we should dance. Frankly none of the old ladies minded and it was a good compromise vs. giving a lengthy explanation to a three and a half year old, who really wasn't asking that deep of a question, that I wasn’t sure who we’d be praying to other than the cosmos. But I don’t mind sending prayers to the cosmos, a current big one is that our family of four jives.