Ownership and responsibilities.

I'd been thinking about writing about this particular topic for a while and to be frank, I've hesitated as I really didn't want to offend anyone.  But it crept up again this week, and today, so I'm going to come out with it.

The only thing I have found different about having a biological child and an adoptive child, is that when "issues" creep up with the adoptive child, I tackle them straight on without hesitation or embarrassment, but with full ownership of suppling a correction.  

I first noticed this when I started seeking Early Intervention help for the Little Man.  I went into the process seeking help with speech and anything else they saw that I might have missed or not known about.  When we started therapy, I met with all the therapist and wanted to understand what they were going to do and how it all worked.  When they gave progress reports, I also gave them progress reports from my end of what had changed in his abilities/behaviours, and what I thought was not where it should be.  They were always a bit paused when they I told them what I still didn't think was moving along as much as I hoped.

Recently, with the state funded therapy, one of our therapist, the physical therapist, left the agency we are working with and the new therapist wanted to give me her assessment.  She did hesitantly, and when I agreed that the Little Man is still lacking significantly in stomach and upper body muscle tone, she commented that often parents became offended when she raised this particular issue.  I told her everything I see and what I want to concur with him.  She is on board.

I also saw this when my sitter had to take the Little Man to therapy for the first time.  She didn't tell the other sitters, although I'm totally open about the amount of therapy he's undergoing.  None of the therapy is life-long stuff in my opinion.  It all is about catching him up to the 'Norm' and giving him any tools he need that he may have missed at the appropriate age/development stage.  She came back from that first session telling me that there were three other sitters there with kids she knew but didn't know any of them were receiving therapy.

So, I go for what he needs.  I talk about it and I don't hide it at all.  In fact I've suggested therapy to others that hadn't even wanted to consider the need.  But since I blame it on lack of stimulation/opportunity to explore the appropriate development milestones at the age most kids hit, I take little ownership to the cause of his delays.  I take full ownership of finding the tools to correct the delays.

The outcome of this, is the surprise for me.  The Big Boy, although 5, and now wanting to write his name, which he mostly does really well, does not memorize as quickly/well.  He knows the difference between numbers and letters, but he doesn't recognize all the letters 1-9, and cannot recite the alphabet.  I wish he could.  I work with him to try and make numbers and letters fun.  But I have felt bad on occasion that I'm not doing enough.  But with the issues with the Little Man, I have no personal concerns about whether I'm doing enough, I just do what I can.

So far, this is the one difference I find.  Ownership of the shortfalls.  And you know what, the reality of the adoption, is teaching me that I shouldn't take ownership of the cause of any disappointments I have with the Big Boy, but that I should just continue to find the tools to help them grow, not focus on the delay itself.

What a day

I've had an interesting day. One, I really have no interest in reliving.

I had just sent the boys to school with the sitter, The groom had left for the gym, I'm in my pajamas, still in glasses (not contact lenses), when the sitter calls me crying. She is laying on the ground and has been hit by a car, the kids are fine, she's in pain. I tell her to start screaming at people to call 911, and I run out the door, down the street, in my pajamas.

She was only a couple blocks from our house and a block from school. Which means, people know us. People were with her, the police were there, the ambulance was pulling up, the nanny mafia had my children a safe distance away. She was clearly in shock, and worse, intimidated and afraid of people in authority, left unable to talk.

I'm an aggressive soul, I usually have no problem telling people what to do and taking charge, but when it comes to police, they really don't want a woman in her pajamas with bad breath, who is panting from running, telling them what to do. But yeah, we marched forward and they let me ride in the ambulance even though I wasn't "family" (really we are, it's just not by blood, and boy do I understand that).

The nanny network got the kids to school. This is something us city souls come to rely on, but the nanny network is faster than twitter. Many believe there is an invisible bond between souls (a red thread), but the nanny network, it is not invisible, you need not be family, it is just there. And I've come to trust it and thank its existence more times then countable.

Thank god at the ER we got a young female Latino doctor. I think an aggressive man poking and prodding would have put her in a coma (note - my sitter is Muslin, so I thank Allah it was a woman helping her undress). Who knows what kind of rage that would have brought out in me. But the little Latino, with hoop earrings, a head band, and half my age was what we both needed.

Tonight, I'm glad it all worked out. I'm glad she is fine - no broken bones, just bruises and more bruises likely to come in the next few days. The boys are fine, they tipped over, they were the talk of preschool and want to talk about it tonight. But they are fine.

And oddly, another opportunity for me to examine the definition of love and family. blood/genetics just doesn't count.

Sensitivities

This weekend we gathered with a group of families from the greater NY area that had adopted boys from China! It was fascinating to see the boys, as my eyes have become so accustomed to all the girls we routinely meet.

It was also fascinating to see as parents, and yes, adoptive parents we have so many hidden "hot" buttons. One mom was curious as to the "rudest, or least diplomatic" way that others have expressed with us about getting a boy. While I don't really mind the question, it is the answer that I typically have a hard time formulating. Yes, boys are rarer in Chinese adoptions because of their economic value in society. And our guy, pretty much was available due to a physical deformity. While his parents were unlikely able to treat his cl/cp, frankly they also faced great discrimination for it as well. I tend to believe it is the discrimination that lead to his availability to us more than the lack of ability to treat.

Another mom, with two boys, wished to call them "medical needs" not "special needs" adoptions. This one is a nuance, but let me explain. In the adoption world there is "special needs" or the "normal" non-special needs. However, in the world of adoption, "special needs" does not mean intelligence/developmental/IQ disability like it does in American society. It means any "not normal" adoption. Special needs may include, missing fingers/toes, extra fingers/toes, heart issues, small size, cleft lip/palette, physical deformities, to a variety of diagnosable birth defects, any child over the age of 2 and yes, all the intimidating intelligence/developmental/IQ issues. Sometimes I joke that we got our little man on the "scratch & dent" sale, meaning, nothing really wrong, just needs a bit of love and care. However, my joke didn't fly with this group. Here, special needs was not our children. Frankly, I call our process a special needs adoption and am happy to explain it anytime. Too many are afraid of it.

Another hot button was maternal age, as in adoptive mom, not birth mom. I find a lot of adoptive moms are older. These are women who chose this path, some like me, just by choice, but some after other options (husband, fertility, life mate) have failed. So they join motherhood a bit late. Its a tough subject. Adopting at 50, you need to feel confident you'll be healthy at 70. However, even only at 41 I know I'm not as strong, active, energized as I was at 25. However, I am smarter!

Finally, my favorite hot button; God's path. I think all kids need a home. If the home is religious, I don't mind. But my poor husband; he really HATES organized religion. Don't get me wrong, he's spiritual, whether he knows it or not he tries to live by all the basic religious principles (mostly, be kind, love one another, bring no harm). But he gets stuck in silly traditions and arcane religious rules which the average believer ignores. I'm not Godless, I'm not religious, but I do believe in Karma and an all loving God. So while God didn't "call me to this child", I'm still an adoptive mom by choice, which means, who knows why I made the choice? Really, I wonder almost daily.

Finally, there was an odd element, my beautiful blond baby was the only blond sibling along. There were siblings, some from previous adoptions, but nothing stuck out like my big guy. He is highly social, loves to play with the bigger boys. But they didn't want to include him. Was he a year or two too young? Or did the older boys get the opportunity was to bond with "kids like themselves" and just dismiss DS1? I don't know. The reason I noticed, was that after trying to get in the game with the big boys, DS1 helped DS2 out on the playground where he was more in parallel play than interacting. He loves his brother, knew we were there for him and came along although he was lamenting going to a new "play group". But I know the big kids won't be able to leave him out for long. This last week when we were out and a woman gave me an odd look for telling him, "Grab your brother's hand and let's go". DS1 noticed the woman looked at us a little funny and he walked right up to her with his brother and said defiantly, clearly, and loudly, "He's my BROTHER, he's from China." Nothing snide, or mean, just the truth loud and clear. I still have so much to learn!

It was a good group of families. I can't wait for the next meeting. But as parents, sometimes I think we are all just too thin skinned. I've said it before, parenting sucks.

On starting a business

There are great aspects to starting a business;
- I feel empowered about making a personal change,
- I feel empowered by the idea of helping others in creating my businesses
- I feel excited about the work that needs to be done,
- I gained independence, etc.

There are silly bits that I enjoy:
- picking out stationary, business cards
- set up my accounts/accounting
- thinking about the marketing plans, ways to get attention,
- arranging the office, albeit on a budget, etc.

Then there are the things that boggle my mind:

• For my stationary/business cards I wanted a PO Box.
• To get a PO Box the post office requires you to show your letterhead to them.
• Did they think I was showing the real thing?

also;

• To protect the personal from business liabilities, I became an LLC.
• The forms from various tax agencies (state, federal) keep appearing in the mail.
• This is silly, but the forms are pre-folded in a manner that doesn't fit the accompanying envelopes. Does the government not know how to make a letter fit in an envelop?

Then there are the fears:
- Can I do this?
- Will anyone buy?
- I get more time with the boys, but at what income cost?
- What are realistic goals, am I setting my goals ridiculously high, or are them possible?

Finally there is reality:
- I know my budget.
- I know my lack of patience.
- I have phase 1, phase 2 and phase 3 plans, but I want to do it ALL NOW! I hate starting at phase 1.
- I have fantasies of phenomenal success! I keep these in check, and to myself. However, I also keep them alive in my mind to motivate myself.
- I know I'm new at running my own business(es) and I will make mistakes, but I don't want to make super big mistakes. UGH!
- I'm one person, doing it all; There lies the power, there lies the limitation, and there lies the risk.

I know I try to blog on the boys, and does all this relate to them? I want them to understand taking pride in your work, following your dreams. Yes, they know I "work" from home. They know when I'm on the phone they have to stay out of the "office". They know I talk to important people that supply drugs to make us better. But, they also know I'm trying to create a toy company, and I'm not sure if they see the work that goes into it. However, when my shipment finally gets here, they will know, because I'm sure they can fold and seal a box.