Adoption Cost and Publicity Stigma

I have been watching a very interesting debate on one of the adoption groups on whether waiting adoptive parents should publish the waiting child's name or picture on blogs, particularly if it is published before it was clear the writer has been given the right to adopt the child, specifically in fund raising efforts. I've been watching/reading, but I have written nothing on the subject because it is such a hot button for those involved. However, the debate has made me think.

On raising money for an adoption:
Bottom line, between the country fees, the adoption agency fees, the various medical and legal fees, and finally, but still costly, travel and "leave" from work, few adoptions transpire for less than $20,000. This year China raised the "orphanage donation" from around $2,000 to $5,000, so the cost are only going up. A fair amount of adoptive parents choose to adopt after rounds of trying infertility treatments which may have already put a $10-20,000 hit (if not more) on the savings account. So the reality for >90% of adoptive parents is that there is a significant hit to one's savings.

If savings don't exists, or don't meet the cost, fund raising occurs. I was lucky. I didn't need to fund raise. However, I don't know how we would handle the situation if I was laid off six months prior to the adoption rather than four months after. I know more than one family that stopped their search not due to a lack of desire, but due to a lack of finances. So the question arises, "if you have the heart to adopt, the funds to support daily life with one additional child on board, but not the funds for the big chuck of change that goes out the door with the legal transaction, is fund raising a valid option?" I get it. I don't view it as first choice, but I see why it happens.

On publishing a child's name;
The debate is on protecting the child. I have chosen to write in my own name. I know many bloggers that use pseudonym. I have chosen to use nicknames for the boys. I just didn't want them to Google their name someday and find things I hadn't had a chance to explain to them. But there is a debate/worry about the predator that may roam the Internet looking for kids to kidnap or identity theft. But, lastly, the real heated battle is on whether if the child gets older, and sees the old efforts, will feel like a charity case? All I can say is "Wow, I have no idea." They could feel loved, they might appreciate the efforts their parents and friends put forth, but they might be embarrassed. I don't know, but I imagine their impression of the effort might also change over time.

On Publishing a Child's Photo:
Yeah, I've put some photos out for public consumption. Is my pride overwhelming my protective instinct? I do edit my photos, nothing graphic makes it. I've thought multiple times about sharing the Little Man's massive birthmark so others would know what to expect. but each time I talk myself out of it. But did my kids say I could post their photos? Do they even understand if they do give me permission? It is an interesting topic. I'm also a little blogger to friends and family; I'm not reaching the millions of some of the impressive professional blogs. But If I was fund raising, and not yet the parent of the child, should you post photos? I understand that the photo helps the cause, makes people put a face with the effort, but maybe it is uncouth until you are the legal guardian. I think even I am guilty by about a month on my Little Man. My enthusiasm for our lives joining just blinded any critical thought on the matter. My mistake.

Bottom line-
I feel a bit bad about the debate in the adoption group. I think both sides really love and want to love their kids. Therefore these are extremely emotional topics. But I do think it is fair for the most cautious in the group to remind everyone else why we should use caution. I also think it is fair for us to debate the merits of the argument. However, in reality people are shutting down, pointing fingers and leaving the group. Hey, being a parent is a heavy responsibility. But it is generally the criticism that makes me recognize a mistake I can fix. But I love the support my friends offer as well. There is a great balance we all need.

Baby Shower

Photo: Diaper cake built by the boys and me.

Generally, I spend just a touch too much time wondering if my kid issues (and our solutions) are: (1) a "general kid" thing or an adoption thing and (2) does it really matter?

This last week I attended a baby shower, just a small one, but it hit the traditional baby shower topics; women sharing birthing stories, what the spouse's reaction to the birth/labor, who is stepping in on coverage for the older kid, etc. It was the first time that I felt there was a difference in adoption and biological. I was tempted to share the story of the first time I saw my little man. Then I realized, "of course, how stupid; I've forgotten that it is just different, my little man didn't come from my belly". Then I realized, maybe I've passed a major mommy milestone. I know he's adopted, it was a painful-long process, but the difference in relationship's start just doesn't mean that much to me anymore. I'm in the thick of parenting and trying to do what is right and best for him. Yeah, I know he's adopted, but I don't think of this little historical fact as often as I just think about taking care of him.

The other thing that is different in adopting vs. giving birth is the stories that are shared. Giving birth is fairly common in my group of friends. In talking about giving birth, and maybe because it was discussed with close girlfriends, they share the good and the bad. The 2 hour labor story along with the 38 hour labor that in the end became a cesarean. The swollen, cracked bleeding nipples of breast feeding, the use of pads for post bleed. The strangeness of an infant that is "blob" like. The reality of changing diapers and holding a wobbly head. The sibling reactions (from affection to jealousy that included a trip to grandma's so the parents could adjust to new baby) and dealing with the in-laws at the same moment that you are craving privacy. What didn't come up in conversation, which is now very common among my adoptive-family friends, is the sharing of bonding/parenting/developmental books, names of specialist pediatricians, and what drugs to carry as you leave for overseas.

When I decided to adopted, I actively sought out adoptive parents to ask questions. Adopting is a less common experience, I had to find people to tell me their stories. While a couple I talked to where family or close friends, the majority were not. The majority of the people I found were complete strangers or friends of a friend. And in hindsight, none of them told me of any of the difficulties of the "adjustment" period. They all talked about how "beautiful" it was, how the child completed their lives, that if you take this calling your chosen by greater powers, etc. The adoption agency definitely took us through all the medical things that could go wrong, and I think adequately prepared us for the worst on the medical front. The pediatrician was fabulous and had me fully loaded on medications and how to use them (from scabies to antibiotics). But I don't think anyone took me aside and prepared me for the early hard part. No one said the things I feel should be shared, such as:

• "this was the hardest choice I ever made, and I didn't know it until after my child was with me"
• "don't expect love at first sight, this is an arranged marriage, but love does come"
  
• "the weeks in China are a honeymoon period, the first weeks home are hell, but it gets better just when you think you can't handle it anymore"
• "the beginning is bad, but it just hasn't stopped improving, but yeah, the beginning was rough"
• "sleepless nights isn't just for babies, be prepared to visit (re-visit) the land of the sleep-deprived parenting for the first couple months"
• "you will question every major relationship in your life - spouse, parental, friends - feeling it most within your household, as you all adjust to the new balance in relationships"
• "After 11 years of marriage, I seriously wanted to divorce my husband, and that feeling too passed. It was all part of the adjustment of relationships"
• "people will tell you what a good thing you are doing, at a time when you are losing your mind, and its not polite to tell them to go to @#$#%"

There is a likely reason no one said these things; nobody wants to discourage anyone from giving a child a home. But I was committed, I just wished I knew more of the reality. And I even say this knowing that we have two great boys, with no major issues, a solid marriage, and great friends. We faced nothing overwhelming in the process, no major crisis. And yet, in this scenario, it wasn't easy. I won't tell anyone the process is easy. Bless you if it was/is.

Sensitivities

This weekend we gathered with a group of families from the greater NY area that had adopted boys from China! It was fascinating to see the boys, as my eyes have become so accustomed to all the girls we routinely meet.

It was also fascinating to see as parents, and yes, adoptive parents we have so many hidden "hot" buttons. One mom was curious as to the "rudest, or least diplomatic" way that others have expressed with us about getting a boy. While I don't really mind the question, it is the answer that I typically have a hard time formulating. Yes, boys are rarer in Chinese adoptions because of their economic value in society. And our guy, pretty much was available due to a physical deformity. While his parents were unlikely able to treat his cl/cp, frankly they also faced great discrimination for it as well. I tend to believe it is the discrimination that lead to his availability to us more than the lack of ability to treat.

Another mom, with two boys, wished to call them "medical needs" not "special needs" adoptions. This one is a nuance, but let me explain. In the adoption world there is "special needs" or the "normal" non-special needs. However, in the world of adoption, "special needs" does not mean intelligence/developmental/IQ disability like it does in American society. It means any "not normal" adoption. Special needs may include, missing fingers/toes, extra fingers/toes, heart issues, small size, cleft lip/palette, physical deformities, to a variety of diagnosable birth defects, any child over the age of 2 and yes, all the intimidating intelligence/developmental/IQ issues. Sometimes I joke that we got our little man on the "scratch & dent" sale, meaning, nothing really wrong, just needs a bit of love and care. However, my joke didn't fly with this group. Here, special needs was not our children. Frankly, I call our process a special needs adoption and am happy to explain it anytime. Too many are afraid of it.

Another hot button was maternal age, as in adoptive mom, not birth mom. I find a lot of adoptive moms are older. These are women who chose this path, some like me, just by choice, but some after other options (husband, fertility, life mate) have failed. So they join motherhood a bit late. Its a tough subject. Adopting at 50, you need to feel confident you'll be healthy at 70. However, even only at 41 I know I'm not as strong, active, energized as I was at 25. However, I am smarter!

Finally, my favorite hot button; God's path. I think all kids need a home. If the home is religious, I don't mind. But my poor husband; he really HATES organized religion. Don't get me wrong, he's spiritual, whether he knows it or not he tries to live by all the basic religious principles (mostly, be kind, love one another, bring no harm). But he gets stuck in silly traditions and arcane religious rules which the average believer ignores. I'm not Godless, I'm not religious, but I do believe in Karma and an all loving God. So while God didn't "call me to this child", I'm still an adoptive mom by choice, which means, who knows why I made the choice? Really, I wonder almost daily.

Finally, there was an odd element, my beautiful blond baby was the only blond sibling along. There were siblings, some from previous adoptions, but nothing stuck out like my big guy. He is highly social, loves to play with the bigger boys. But they didn't want to include him. Was he a year or two too young? Or did the older boys get the opportunity was to bond with "kids like themselves" and just dismiss DS1? I don't know. The reason I noticed, was that after trying to get in the game with the big boys, DS1 helped DS2 out on the playground where he was more in parallel play than interacting. He loves his brother, knew we were there for him and came along although he was lamenting going to a new "play group". But I know the big kids won't be able to leave him out for long. This last week when we were out and a woman gave me an odd look for telling him, "Grab your brother's hand and let's go". DS1 noticed the woman looked at us a little funny and he walked right up to her with his brother and said defiantly, clearly, and loudly, "He's my BROTHER, he's from China." Nothing snide, or mean, just the truth loud and clear. I still have so much to learn!

It was a good group of families. I can't wait for the next meeting. But as parents, sometimes I think we are all just too thin skinned. I've said it before, parenting sucks.

family age vs. chronological

One of the hot topics in adoption literature/theories is should you treat/expect from your child their "age" appropriate behaviours? The discussion usually centers on age; is it the chronological age of the child, or the family/emotional age of how long the child has been with you (i.e., for our little man he's 2 and 3/4 years old but only with us for nine months).

Another way of estimating some of this, is the general rule of thumb that for every three months a child spends in an orphanage that they are typically one month behind developmentally, but catch up by the time they hit double their age at adoption. In this case our little man who joined us at the age of two, was developmentally a 16 month old, that will catch up with peers by his fourth birthday.

There is no doubt my little man is behind. But he is not terribly behind, and he is catching up. When will he be "caught up", I don't know. Really it is the language that worries me the most. But there is an element of emotional growth that needs to occur too. I think there is merit to considering the disruption that adoption creates in a child's early life, particularly an international adoption where the sights, smells, sounds, everything changes.

I didn't come across the emotional/family age until DS2 had been with us about six months. Frankly, this theory helped me out. Of course he doesn't trust me as much as a normal almost 3 year old would, we don't have the history. Of course I don't trust him as much as I did DS1 at almost three, first we had greater history and second, DS1 could talk and tell me what was going on. But the concept explains why we still play baby trust games like peek-a-boo. And it explains why he loves playing these games. Our relationship is growing.

But the flip side to this is that we live in the real world. The place where all children are judge by the same standard. He is behind, and this is why we did the early intervention process. He is catching up, but did the malnutrition create any deficit in brain power (which I always wonder if this would matter given we only use something like 10% of our brains anyways). Will he always lack a bit of grace in his gate due to the early lack of balance because of the cleft related issues? Will he always feel behind, because he started with us late? And then there is the question of just how wide is the normal range?

My brother-in-law and family was over this last weekend. And they got me thinking about this. Their eldest was the most out of control toddler I had ever seen. He'd have these amazing temper tantrums that were loud, long and violent. He didn't speak until he was 4 years old, and didn't potty train until almost 5 years old. He's 15 now and the nicest, kindest, best behaved teenager I know. Has he caught up? Shouldn't he be a tough to handle age now? See you just never know.

When it comes to adoption, there are very strong opinions out there. But I find bits and pieces I like in generally most theories. Taking the theories hook, line and sinker is not my approach.
Kind of like the rule of thumb that you can double their height at age two to get an estimate of adulthood. Yeah, I think DS1 is bound for over 6 ft tall. But I think DS2 will break five feet!

A sacred relationship

The relationship between mother and son is simple. Mother. Son. But it is also complex. Mother. Son.

DS1 asked, "Who will grow to be as big as daddy first; me or my brother?" I said, "You will."

His response floored me, "You know why? Because I came first and I came from your belly." Hello! Guess we are there. He understands that his brother did not come from my belly. Yet he is still his brother. I believe we are now understanding the adoption story. WOW.

I love both my boys. But with my man that came from China, I love him, love (if that is the right word, maybe recognize with a certain level of respect and compassion) his biological parents and I love the serendipity that exists between us to bring us together. I don't love the circumstances that existed to allow us to come together. I look forward to sharing the adoption story with him and I equally dread sharing the story with him. I'm thankful for the practice I get in explaining it to others, to his big brother.

Foster Care Update

I generally have come to grips with the fact that I won't know much about my sons first two years of life. But then I suddenly received word through the mommy network that he was in foster care. I contacted the group that organized it, and it is true, they sent me photos of him with his foster family in China. The parents look happy, DS2 looks in shock as he does in most all of his early photos. They are an older couple, I would guess professional foster parents.

This is a good thing; him having had foster care. I am grateful, but it is still the birth mother that sits in my consciousness, not as much the foster family. But, the foster family is doing a great thing, and I know my son is not easy, so he was likely not terribly easy on them either! But gaining knowledge of this event late, knowledge of his foster care that is, creates a need to reexamine early assumptions, early dialog, and creates a lack of trust in having known anything. And yes, its a pisser, I'm mad that there is so little information! Does it ever go away?

I have photos of him with the family pre-lip surgery (which was followed by palette surgery 7 months later). Typically kids are only returned to the orphanage within a few weeks of our adopting him. But the organization that had sponsored his foster care can't even confirm the exact foster dates. Additionally, I reached out to our adoption agency, and they are shocked to learn that he was in foster care this much, let alone at all. The photos are taken at the orphanage on his monthly visits, only a few photos, not from every monthly visit.

It is this re-examination of all our assumptions that is interesting. I told DS2 that DS1 had lived with a family before us and that it was a surprise to me, but a good thing. It was a Chinese family and that I had a photo of them together. "I thought tonight we could all look at it" I said. DS1 responded, "Don't show it to him. He'll want to go back to China and live with them." Breaks my heart, but I responded, "I don't think so. I think he wants to be with us now, but I think he also might be happy to see the people from his past." Together we showed him the photo. DS2 smiles, he is happy to see them. He points at himself and say his name. I ask who are the others, he says "Mama, Baba" . He keeps the photo for quite some time.

It is weird to hear your son call someone else Mama. DS1 never called the sitter anything but her name and she's been with us for almost four years. DS2 calls the sitter her name. But to hear him call the Chinese Foster mom called mama is a weird sensation. It doesn't make me sad, it doesn't necessarily make me happy. It is just a bit interesting/weird. It is generally ok.

DS1 was glad DS2 didn't want to return to China. DS2 likes to look at the photo every time I show it to him. DH is just pissed that there is such a lack of information and thinks there is a conspiracy to keep us in the dark. I'm adjusting to the changed reality. I'm rewriting the story I tell the boys, DS1 asks to hear it, but I view this all as practice for when DS2 starts asking. And now six months post adoption, I think it is time to start building the adoption scrap book for DS2. And to build the book for me. This is our changed reality. We are together now. It was the path unexpected by all.

P.S. If you wish to sponsor foster care for a child, please visit www.altrusa.ws. When my toy hits the market in April, you'll hear more about where a portion of the profits are going.

Foster Care

I've said this before, I will say it again, but there are so many things we will never know about DS2's history. Today I received unexpected, unsought news that is mind blowing. DS2 was in foster care for some time before joining us.

I had written to the yahoo group of DS2's orphanage in search of another little boy that was DS2' roommate. I have photos and wanted to share them with the other mom. I was not sure how long they had been roommates, but they look cute together in their matching dresses (yes, we need to donate more boy clothes). In the email I also used DS2's Chinese name and adoption timing.

This morning unexpectedly, another woman wrote to the sight that she knew the mom, but she also though my son had been in foster care. I contacted one of the coordinators of the foster care program, and yes, DS2 was in foster care. I don't have the details, but a few reports from that time are now on their way to me. I'm hoping there are a few photos as well. I so far have an idea of when he went to live with the foster family, but not of when he came back to the orphanage to join us. It is common for the families to return the children a couple weeks before the adoptive parents come to pick up. It could have been as long as seven months.

Wow! This might explain the real mourning that occurred when he joined us. This might explain why he attached to our family quickly (although me first and for most). It might explain why he doesn't like it when we all put our coats on and he has to be assured he is coming with us.
Also, there is a family out there that may have had him in their lives longer than we have so far; wild.

The emotions are complex. DH is pissed. He can't believe the Chinese adoption authorities told us nothing about this. I am amazed our adoption agency new nothing about this. I am glad he had time outside of the orphanage. But it also is a hole in the information they provided us that is glaring. Was he well cared for? I assume they took the best care of him they could, but he was skinny when we got him and in the midst of a bizarre viral infection. Was he loved? We'll never know.

He is a bright, loving child that has a stubbornness and opinion all his own. These are his traits and everything he has experienced till now has assisted in shaping him. So yes, if there is more to learn about the early years, I want to learn it. But my frustration is the same, that the two years of precious time before he joined us is time which I have no control over what occurred, no understanding of circumstance, and will never really have the full information. I look forward to learning more next week. I need to start building a scrap book for him and put all the information in time frame so he has it if he wants it. I have no idea what this information will mean to him in time. Or what it will mean to me.

Sometimes the emotions are so much more complex then the words I have at my disposal to express them. Let alone actually knowing/labeling how I feel.

Adoption on Vacation - part 2

DS1 had a complete melt down at breakfast, that was really beyond belief; three neighboring tables commented on it.  So bad that I cancelled our zip-lining for the day.  Of course this general stress put DS2 in a stressed way which means, every time he got near me he pulled my hair, bit or tried to scratch me, in his attempt to make sure... I don't know what.... I still love him?  

Then we are on a beach, and a very nice woman in the umbrella beside us starts asking questions.  Yes, adoption questions.  Part of this is my husband beams to anyone in ear shot that we recently adopted.  I'm totally polite, but I'm having a rough day.  Then we go to lunch, up in the beach restaurant, where both boys are just bad. Hitting each other, throwing sand.  I get back to the chair, with fussy toddler.  I wash the sand off, wrap him in a towel, and hold him till he falls asleep, which is about 5 minutes as he is now two hours past his nap time.  

The neighbor lady say to me, "So how's it going? Has it worked out like you thought?"  Sometimes people really don't know what they are asking, who they are asking it of and/or what appropriate timing is.  I turned to her, a bit like the little girl in the exorcist, and said, "This is f---ing hell.  I don't know what I was thinking.  I'm sure it will get better, but it really sucks and I'm not sure I can wait till he starts speaking before losing my mind."  This surprisingly, didn't bring forth the usual "bless you" or smile.  However, the lady was kind and was supportive.  We chatted for a while.  Then she asked why I adopted.  

Usual story, no need, wanted to give a kid a home and thought I had the home and heart to offer.   Then I  told her about the "god bless you"s and that I didn't do it to do a good deed.  That I'm shocked at what we are into, but we are still in the early stages and adding a toddler to a family with a toddler isn't easy.  We chatted about the lack of physical development in DS2 that I believe we have already started to overcome, that I think he is really smart, but just lazy in the language department, because (1) he's expressive without language and (2) I'm in-tune with him enough to anticipate 95% of the requests.  But its the last 5% that causes the tantrums and the frustration.  She then told me she understood why I didn't like the "God bless you"s and that I'm right, this is like the frustration raising kids, adopted or not.  I asked if she was religious, and she said, "Honey, I'm a minister." OUCH!  

Then she told me I should write about this experience, because people need to know its not simple, easy, or love at first sight for everyone.  So, if I can face a minister head on with my diatribes and not offend, then I feel a bit better about this blog.  

Quick Hello from St. Maartin

So we are here; in 90 degrees of glorious warmth.  The crickets, or frogs, are chirping.  The boys are already in bed.  We finished a bottle of wine.  And I feel like all the assholes in the world are surmountable!

Tonight, I let the boys watch a little Wallace and Gromit.  If you don't know it, it is awesome British claymation.  There was a chase scene playing and I was sitting across from the boys watching them as they watched the video.  DS1 was giggling with his eyebrows arched in wide arches.  DS2 was watching with eyebrows in upside down "v"s as if he was thinking, what is this idiocy.  I thought wow, how much they will learn from each other in the years to come as they start sharing their perspectives on the world.

I also marvel at the comparison of third world travel to not.  We are in our villa with wi-fi, lizards running by, but clean floors, working refrigerator and air conditioning, real air conditioning.  The boys are sleeping in one bed together, which DH and I pulled of the box springs to the floor, just in case anyone rolls out.  I think if they find a lizard, we'll hear about it.

DS2 was a struggle all day of travel.  He wasn't really "bad" just fussy and wanting to be held the whole time.  I think there are fears in an internationally adopted child that are hard to address.  His last plane trip, was his exit from China.  And here we are bringing him to another interesting, but vastly different place again. New smells, new foods, new language.  No wonder he wants to be held.  However, he seems to have no problem flirting with the French women!

It is also interesting  to be on vacation while unemployed.  I'm too sensitive to cost.  Frankly, the more I focus on it, the poorer I feel.  Which means I need to be wise to a budget, but not so intense as to suck the fun out of it.  However, tomorrow to the grocery store, which I love here.  It has all these brands I don't know, but enough for the boys that I do know.  And to the beach, to bring color back to this Puerto Rican soul.  Yeah, sun screen for the boys, and a shirt for DH.

The Odd Question

The questions come from DS1 when I least expect them.  Tonight, "when will he stop being Chinese?"  

I was wondering where this even came from, but I think I know.  Today I picked up DS1 from pre-school and took him out to lunch and, the most exciting thing, to pick up a water filter for the refrigerator.  He told everyone we were going for the filter.  I'm constantly amazed at what the boys find exciting in our daily lives.  Well, after school we stopped by this little pizza joint; the kind that are 20 feet long but only 8 feet wide.  There we ran into one of his class mates and her mommie.  The little girl was excited that next week they are going to "Kazakhstan to get a little brother."  Zander was happy to share that he got a little brother in China.  This is a conversation that I couldn't have made up, the kind of crazy unexpected thing that makes me happy we live in NYC.

This evening we were all playing, and I was feeling sorry for myself, thinking I hate the stuff coming out of my mouth; please don't throw the toys, don't step on your brother's head, don't bite me, be nice, do you want to go to bed right now?  But we also have fun - or at least flashing moments of it!  

Well, DS1 typically comes out of the tub first.  I dry him, dress him and then DS2 is ready and wants the same attention.  We are passed screaming every time I take him out of the tub (YEAH!) and now he even pulls the plug for the water when asked.  So tonight DS1 was watching my dress DS2 when I commented that it is ok for DS1 to wear short sleeves, because he stays under the covers, but for DS2, I put on the full warm sleep suit because he still kicks the covers off.  I mentioned that this suit used to be DS1's.  This of course prompted, "when will DS2 be big?"  Me, "Well, over time as he eats, by next year the suit will likely not fit." I thought I heard, "When will he stop being tiny?", so I said "he's not tiny, but he is smaller than you."  To which I was then more loudly asked, "No, when will he stop being Chinese?"

Kind of threw me for a loop.  "Honey, he's going to be Chinese forever.  It's like you are a boy, he's a boy and I'm a girl.  You are going to be boys and I'm going to be a girl, forever".  Hopefully the transsexuals will forgive me for the presumption.  This answer was good enough, no more questions emerged.  But wow, what a question.

Send him back

Photo: I like this one, its about the kids, but for a brief moment the Play Dough is the focus. Kind of like adoption, sometimes it becomes the focus, but it needs to be fleeting, as the time together is really about the kids.

I knew it was coming, I just didn't know when. But last night, I had the boys in the tub and DS1 has been acting out a bit lately, so I brought up the "its not always easy being the older brother" train of thought. And yes, it popped out. "Mommie, can we send him back to the other people?"

It wasn't phrased like, "let's send him back", it was more of general question. I said nope, he's with us now. He also asked, did they have bath tubs at the orphanage?, in the same inquisitive tone, so I don't think the first question was malicious. I said, I thought they did, but DS2 probably didn't get to spend as much time playing in the tub there as he does here, and that is why he doesn't like to come out of the tub.

On the new adoption parenting book, this stuff is good and bad. Its all written by some expert from their own experience. This doesn't mean they have had experience with my kid, but maybe there are patterns among behaviours in kids from the orphanage system? I find parenting pointers I like. Others I ignore. My most recent read is, "Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child: From Your First Hours Together Through the Teen Years" by Patty Cogen. I kind of like the overall approach. But it is written with a saying it out loud techniques that have an effect on the whole family, not just the adopted child. So far she hasn't addressed the idea that it affects the family.

For example, if DS1 falls to my feet screaming - which is likely to happen almost anytime - I'm to say to him, "I know that at the orphanage you might have had to be very loud and demonstrative to get attention, but you are here with me and part of our family now, so if you want me to pick you up just stand up and lift your arms to me and say "up". Well, I tried this, with this amazingly long, adult verbiage, and DS2 stopped crying, stood up and lifted his arms to be picked up! So next time I did it again and it worked. After a couple times, he's more likely to raise his arms first rather than just crumble to the floor! So I tried the technique - really just saying at the orphanage that may of been how you handled a situation, but as a member of a family this is how we do it, - and it has worked.

The unexpected consequence is that DS1 is asking more questions about "at the orphanage". Yuck! I want the kids to know the truth, but in age appropriate doses. Now I'm getting all sort of questions about the orphanage. I've offered to show DS1 photos, and he says yes, he really wants to see them. But he forgets by the time I've dried the two of them off and gotten them in their PJs. I want all the adoption issues to be open within the family, but wow, I find I'm still digesting the material.

So, check out the book, I like it better than most, but I'm only half way through, so there is time for me to decide I hate it yet. And yes, I'm keeping my boys although I do fantasize about those free and single days!

Highs and Lows

Almost everyday I'm amazed at the challenges that parenting throws at me, the struggle between work and home balance, and how so not alone I am in all these struggles.

Today, I traveled to New Jersey for a conference, learned a ton, partially boring, but a totally worthy trip. But it meant I was 90 minutes late coming home to the boys. Also during the day today, DS1's school sent out the email of a new adoption network for the school that I am moderating. I got home to hear that DS1 had kicked the sitter, had not apologized and was not speaking to DH. After calming down DS1, finding out what occurred, getting him to promise to apologize to the sitter tomorrow morning, getting him to tell DH he would apologize, and getting DH to tell DS1 he still loves him. Then getting the boys to bed, when both emotionally charged. DS2 started tonight in the bed with DS1, but after a while decided he'd rather scream it out until mommie returns, which is not fair to DS1, so DS2 gets moved to my room and I pull my hair out. Then I was greeted by checking my new adoption network to see that in the first day of the announcement it received 8 families wishing to join!

It is not always easy to air one's insecurities/struggles, I don't like admitting I'm not perfect, but it is so good to know when I do out myself, there are people who understand. Not everyone understand, but that is why we find one another.

Also a follow up on the last post about the adoption book. I'm reading a new adoption parenting book, yes another! I'll write more specifically about the book tomorrow and the boys' reactions to the techniques offered, but it offered a great solution; make one sheet with only 3 photos. Make 10 copies of it, so you can loose some, let the kid act out emotion and rip, hide, eat or whatever with a couple copies, but make sure I still have a page available to start the story telling. The three photos are one of the child at the orphanage before we came into his life, one from the transition, one of him at home now. The idea is to tell the adoption story from his view, i.e., this was your orphanage, then one day we appeared and there was a big change as we brought you to your new home, with us, where we are all now a family. It suggest that as you get comfortable telling the simple story, then start adding details. Or as the child starts asking questions, add the details.

For the most part, I think I can handle this one. I have photos of him in the orphanage, photos of the orphanage itself. I am lacking photos of the hand off. DH took video, but the video was erased in transit by the x-ray machines, which breaks my heart for him, but the images are etched in my mind forever, so its not a huge personal loss (so prospective parents be sure to use non-magnetic tape). I think I'll do a photo from when we are in the van on the way to the consulate, or one from at the consulate. And I have tons of photos of us at home to chose from.

As I think about it, I will start with 3 photos, as I can pull that together in a day, but I think I'll work to add more photos including the early referral photos before surgery, so they don't surprise him as he gets older. I will add more photos from the moms that have children that were at the same orphanage of our kids together at the orphanage. Finally, when he's talking more, I'll ask him what he wants to add to the book. Thank you for your comments/perspective.

The Adoption Book

All the experts say you should make an adoption book of your thoughts and photos to share with your child. All the scrap book enthusiast shame me by their valiant efforts. But I have a mental block. We are now home 2 months and I have narrowed the photos to my favorite 150! I am completely uncomfortable adding commentary. I don't know what to say.

It was a trip that "changed my life". It made me reevaluate a culture and face a one-child policy head on. It is a horrific policy alive in the midst of a family-centric culture, which is a bizarre twist I cannot get my head around. Also I have photos of the orphanage from other moms, and even from the disposable camera I sent ahead. I have photos of DS2 with friends that I do and don't know where they are. I've learned since our return that there are children in the China orphanage system that will never be deemed "adoptable". I don't know how to address any of this, so how do I include the photos?

I love this kid. But I didn't know what I felt when I took the photos. I look at the photos and he's also looking at me trying to figure out what he feels. I've taken this child away from every sound, smell, sight, food, he's known, and now I should try to show him in photos? I don't even have photos of his town. Only the towns he visited with us.

I'm stuck. I'm in tears, and this is one of those items where I've failed him, but I'm not even sure what not failing him would entail.

The comparison is unavoidable

I recently read a poem, and it had a line that really hit me, "before I was a mother I didn't know the feeling of having a heart outside my body." Wow. How true!

There are so many things that I didn't expect when I became a parent. One is how far love reaches and how crushing it is because you don't control it. This last weekend was rain, rain, rain. That means no sunshine, time becomes suspended in a gray fog, and we spent entirely too much time indoors looking at one another.

I happen to love to bake, so I suggested that we make cookies to take to the fire-station. I also happen to think the guys at the station are cool, so I'm always up for a visit. DS2 is up for the ride, but isn't quite into the hero worship of the firemen yet. Well the heart break is every step of the way.

DS2 joins us in the kitchen. I strap him in the high chair and place him beside an open drawer where he explores the tools. When DS1 was just months old, this is how he would accompany me while I cooked. DS2 is doing the same things, examining the tools one by one, throwing some, making noise and interacting with us. It is great to see, but it is also heartbreaking. By the age of two, DS1 was already helping me; wearing an apron and mixing. The difference, exposure. I'm sure DS1 had been in the kitchen well over a hundred meals by the age of two. DS2, this was only his tenth to fifteenth time.

It's not fair to compare their respective skills even when they were both two years old, but it is my frame of reference for child development so it is hard not to do. He is already stronger than two months ago, but there is still so far to go on the interaction, language and emotional control. It is heart breaking. It makes me sad for him and worried about the future; how long will it take to catch up? Will he catch up? I just don't know; I believe he will.

But the comparisons don't stop there, I wonder am I stimulating DS2, or are the activities too oriented toward DS1. And isn't this a dilemma every mother of two or more faces? DS1 has a blast cooking, and I think DS2 has fun. He isn't crying, he's babbling and laughing with us, but its not like the activity seems to make his day. At the station, DS1 sits in the firetruck, gives the guys the cookies and is generally over the moon. DS2 is cool with the truck, not too sure about the guys, and just happy to be out and about. But is he getting enough stimulation? Are we doing things he really enjoys? When will I even know for sure what he enjoys? By now I had such a greater understanding of how DS1 thought/worked that we did things I knew he'd enjoy. DS2 is still in the reveal stage. We are still working it out.

I struggle with this also because I am reading another adoption parenting book. It is one of those books that talks about how all adopted children, particularly internationally adopted children are victims of post traumatic stress of the initial separation from the birth mom and then separation from care givers on transfer to me. Don't forget the surgeries in-between when DS2 was in the hospital, most likely with minimal friendly 24 hour support. Ok, I get it, the first two years were not in anyway ideal, but when I stop trying to over compensate and over worry over the years out of my control?

So is my heart on my sleeve? Nope its really outside of my body, and its hard to defend against all the supposed experts on parenting that offer crushing views on child development and its long term outlook.

Judging the Mommie

When you have a biological child, you are judged by others as to how good of a parent you are, but it is done discretely, mostly out of earshot. People tend to keep their opinions to themselves, except for family, and
you don't have much of a say in the process. When you adopt, you are judged by numerous people, that actually have the power to say, "No, you do not get a child", and the process is actually in your face. I find this intimidating.

My hats off to those who have adopted without having the biological experience first, as the judging of mommie is humbling, intimidating and oddly embarrassing, I'm thankful that I have the ability to sit back, look at DS1 and think, "I haven't done a horrendous job, he's ok; well, so far." Let me start at the beginning.

First off, to adopt, you have to qualify to minimum standards of marriage length, age, income and cleanliness for the agency to even consider working with you. Then the governments start, both theirs and ours. There are lengthy legal checks (list every address you have resided in since 1970!), financial checks (including letters from your employer about your employability which they are so happy to give you in this environment, let alone being willing to ask them for the letter), health checks (yes, they asked I be tested for gonorrhea, who knew that was still around? but also they think my life might be more exciting than it really is), with each item including a set of finger prints ($$), that are notarized ($$), as well as application fees ($$) and copy fees ($$). These documents must be certified locally ($), then regionally ($$) and even nationally ($$$).

But the lynch pin of this process is the social worker; the person who works with you to understand why you are adopting (as if you didn't know), what kind of parent you expect to be (obviously, the best on the planet) and represent to both government(s) that you are worthy of adopting. What do you do if you don't click with the almighty social worker? I'll tell you, I fake it. Our social worker is really nice and professional. But she's 30, single, beautiful, and childless. She comes from wealth or sophistication, which you can only tell when you do not, i.e., me. I don't click with her; I really think it is impossible for to truly understand the strains of having children, to judge those that do. She doesn't have children. Is that an unfair statement, not understanding the strains of having children until you have some, no but I think it is true. I didn't get "parenthood" until I was in the thick of it. Frankly, I don't understand the strains of being 30, single, and childless in 2008, its just not my reality.

So the social worker comes into your house after meeting with you several times, to check out how you live, the space you'll provide for the child, and finally to decide if they will recommend to the other parties that you are worthy. This is a lot of authority. But also, I think it is good for DS1 to know in retrospect that yes, we qualify! For DS2 , down the road, he may really wonder what the standard was.

Today our social worker visited for the "post placement" visit. This is one of several to come. I was my usual blunt self, but still being polite. She just didn't get it that I was being honest.
Her, "How was it to meet you child"
me "Emotional, bizarre, like an arranged marriage"
Her, "But how was it those first few days"
me "Like taking care of the neighbor's kid"
Her "What is that like"
me "Have you not baby-sat? Really, like that."
Her, "But it is going well, there is a connection?"
me, "Its going extremely well, he's a good kid, we are connected, but that doesn't mean adjusting to a new routine for everyone in the household isn't' a healthy helping of hell."

After watching the boys jump on me, pull my hair, blow their noses on my body and hit one another, she was good to go. She reminded me that these visits are a requirement; like their going to take DS2 and run? I guess from her view it all looked normal. From my view there are extraordinary events occurring in my household and I'm amazed daily. That she's concerned about the problems and being normal makes me only want to emphasize this is not all that bad, and not all that normal to us.

I'm guessing as much as I dislike being judged, and may resent her a bit for being in the role, I bet she doesn't like having to say anything bad and is really looking for the angle to make me look good to the others in the process. None the less, the stress I place on myself to be a "good" mom, kind patient, fun, energetic, all knowing, all loving, really is more than enough. To know that someone else is also judging me, not knowing their standards, or even their minimum criteria, and that they are putting it on paper and sharing it with others is a huge bucket of cold water on my head. On a hot day I'm good for it, on a cold day it really sucks.

Shout out to Honest Inspiration

A quick shout out to Cheryl Crow! You go girl? Not sure if anyone uses those phrases anymore, but I'm positive she doesn't read my blog. Really this is a kudos to the artist of the world that inspire us to keep living. Cheryl has a new album and it has kept me moving forward fora a couple weeks.

I've listened to it while cleaning the house, while writing, while cooking, or just when chilling around the house. I think its the honesty that gets me. She has loved and lost. But more importantly she's willing to talk about it.

It makes me appreciate that I'm not alone in my mood swings or responses to the world. I'm not happy with how the world is going, I'm doing my tiny contributions to make it better. I vote. I've loved so many things, and lost some, and sometimes my hope is just burnt. I guess that while I'm down I try to appreciate that it is the lows that give us the window to really appreciate the highs. But we also have to grab hold of the good things in life and appreciate them.

I find the more honest I am with people, and I've become rather blunt lately, they either get it and share in the moment, or the run to the hills away from the crazy lady to whom they are looking at. Last night I went to a new parent reception for DS2's preschool. It was cool; outside on a beautiful night. People kept asking how the adoption is going. I said, " great but it is also really hard and exhausting (ok, after the second glass of wine I actually said it was f---ing hell)." But really it is great and all has gone amazingly well. But that doesn't make adjusting to a major change in your life along with all the key people in your life also being in an adjustment period, easy.

Tomorrow the social worker comes for her follow up visit. I haven't decided how honest to be, because honestly, I've never really clicked with her.

2 months today

Today is two months since gotcha! Wow! What a different place I am emotionally, physically, spiritually in this journey.

Those first weeks were wild! I was ready to be the center of his world, I expected the cling. But I didn't understand that 24/7 cling is stifling for both you and the child. I expected the "under-sized" person to appear as the medical reports had prepared me. But, I had no idea how lack of muscle tone, let alone nutrition, could ravage such a tiny body.

Two months later, only two months, we are so much stronger! He walks/runs. He can easily get up when he falls. He can speak, and giggle in a way that melts your heart. He isn't profusely sweating all the time. He's not on my body all the time. He's over his cold and the virus causing the blisters. He's willing to brush his teeth while taking the nightly bath. His hair is soft, even if its still thin. He can push back, rather than just cry. He can say "mama", DS1's name, "bye bye" and "sausage". He can sign "all done" and "more" which gets him through a lot of situations. He responds to his new given name. He understands English, both the directive, like "go get that box", and the threat like, "do that again and I'm throwing it out".

But honestly, the first 14 days together in China did not prepare me for the hell that followed. When we came home, DH, DS1 and I, were returning to our comforts. We were throwing him completely out of his. Nothing remained the same, not the smells, the food, the air, the sounds, the language, nothing. Add in and mix jet lag for all involved, DH busy with work and me with two boys trying to figure it all out, and wow, life sucked! And I say this knowing that we had no major issues, all was actually going well. I took it out on DH, as he chose to work. I took it out on me, frankly, there is no reward in parenting, I'm just always disappointed that I don't do it better, do more, or finish every day with a sense of happiness. But within 14 days, this too was better. I found my stride, we all adjusted time wise, and DS2 decided any noodle would do.

At two months, I have greater freedom; babysitter is now involved as well as DH, I joined a gym. I think DH is struggling to bond. Not that this is unusual at all, frankly I think its not. Look at this way, for the first month he was tolerated, or rejected, by DS2 who preferred mommie. Now he has the boys in the mornings and is getting more involved with the basic care, which is not glamorous or sexy. In fact, when you are used to being Mr. Fun, it must really sucks. But I know, like me in another 4 weeks, he too will be in a different place.

And DS1 and DS2, they amaze me. They humble me. Like I said I can't do enough or be good enough for them. However, I'm what they have, and they accept me. Its those teenage years I dread. But we are finding our grove. I try some old tricks - DS2 now sits in the high chair in the kitchen while DS1 and I bake for preschool, with a drawer open, figuring out what all the tools are for. But we've also found new tricks, standing diaper changes and noodles with butter and peanut butter in an emergency.

Being an Adoptive mom is different than a biological mom, but I think these differences will subside. The real biggie which humbles me is that I feel like I owe another woman, somewhere on this planet, That I will never meet, that I do my best with her/my child. We share him. He is no longer hers, but he is not only mine. I think at some point I will believe him to be more "mine". Anyway, she did her best, which is horrible to have to consider, and now he is with me. The orphanage/Chinese government, well, they got him to me still alive; so I owe them a thanks, but here I do ponder how much thanks. Did I tell you on gotcha day he was wearing new clothes. Clearly someone else's donation which still had the stickers in it. Why didn't the orphanage let him were that daily, instead of all the photos I have of him in dresses? Also, they gave him to me with a viral infection that they couldn't figure out how to treat - random appearing blisters is not normal virus stuff.

I also don't know his full history and never will. This I'm letting go of daily and focusing on today and tomorrow. Somehow it has to occur, to make him mine. But at the same time, I won't forget the woman I'll never know who made this possible. I know her a bit, he smells like her. I hate to admit this, but DS2 doesn't smell like me and DS1. At first it freaked me out. I though when he started using our products it would change, but no. If this is the only thing that an adoptive mom doesn't get via adoption vs. birth, its not a bit item. However, I now view it as my link to her; he smells like her.

Well, I'm getting way too emotional; frankly I'm at work, so I'll end this here! Ode to 2 months, and I can't wait to see where we are in a few more months.

How DS1 views adoption

On the play ground shortly after we returned from China, I meet one of DS1's friend's older sister. She's 7. She didn't believe DS1 had a brother and came to check him out for herself after DS1 had told her he was there.

She informed me, "He's adopted, his face is not like yours". I said "yes, he is adopted, he is DS1's brother and we all have different faces." She was cool with that. DS1 was happy with that response. However, this made me think that while I had told DS1 we were adopting, I wasn't sure I had told him that he himself was not, and the "blended family" approach is something I might need to give him ammunition on. But what do you tell a 3, almost 4 year old?

So, we had a talk. I only wanted to explain basics and not give more information as necessary. But I also want him to have the ammunition necessary to explain things to friends or on the playground. I told him he grew in my belly. That all babies grow in some one's belly, specifically women's, bellies. That DS2 grew in his mommie's belly in China. However she wasn't able to take care of DS2 and asked us to help out. We did so, because we wanted another child in the family. Now he is my son, his brother. That they happen to came from different women's belly's, but that we were a family now. He had no questions. He just wanted to know who else we were going to play with that afternoon.

A week later we went to a karate introductory class, without DS2. We were a bit early, and the teacher was trying to make small talk with him, which if you have ever tried to make small talk with a 3 year old, is an interesting task. He asked DS1, "what did you do this summer? "
"I got a new brother."
"Did the stork bring him?" the teacher asked.
"We got him in China" stated matter of factly.
"Wow."
"I'm from China too!" says my blond-haired blue-eyed son.
"Really?"
"Yes, but I came first!"

Given he's starting preschool, I'm sure more questions are to come. I'm trying to bring it up once a week or so, just to see if there are any questions.

Sunday night he surprised me and asked me why DS2 blows his nose a lot. I hadn't expected to discuss cleft lip/palate this early, but I jumped in. I reminded him that DS2's mommie in China need help taking care of him and one of the reasons was that DS2 had a hole between his mouth and nose. That made it hard for him to eat. I further explained that most of the hole has been fixed. However, DS2 blows his nose sometimes because there is still a little hole in there and he is cleaning it. Going for the boy approach, I explained that if we feed DS2 spaghetti bolognese, we might get some red sauce out his nose. This lead to an interesting discussion of the rest of bath time talking about different foods we could give DS2 to make different colors. Of course, DS2 was there for the whole discussion and didn't seem to mind.

New orphanage/adoption book

There is a new book out there being discussed within the adoption community, Kay Bratt's book called, "Silent Tears; A Journey of Hope in a Chinese Orphanage." If you care about Chinese orphans and want to learn more about the typical orphanage, it's a gripping read. Also, it is current; she just left the orphanage in 2007. But there is a worthy discussion going on about the value of the book. Let me explain.

Kay went to China, following her husband who received a job to build a manufacturing plant. She was there for four years and during that time volunteered, then organized volunteers, at a chinese orphanage. I do not know her and mean her no harm, but from my read of the book, my impression is that she spent most of her time in an ex-pat society or at the orphanage, so she really stayed mystified at many Chinese culture/customs. Accordingly, she paints some of their customs as silly to stupid. While her experiences seem sincerely expressed, she does come off a bit spoiled, impolite and intolerant.

However, she did raise money and change some of the treatment options at an orphanage. In her discussion of these changes, she may have faced a few additional battles because of her lack of depth of understanding of how far "saving face" reaches within institutions/organizations. She paints an amazing picture of the daily ins and outs of life at an orphanage; no surprise, its pretty horrible. I have heard stories of worse and better orphanages, so I my naive impression is that this is pretty much a run of the mill/normal orphanage, not a really bad one.

The book is of value, because it starts to outline a picture of daily life that adoptive parents could only guess at before. The book is difficult in that no one wants to face the realities of how our children were unprotected before they joined us. The book is very difficult in that it may make people question whether their donations to the orphanage make sense, or if there are anyways to alter the system. The question is whether the book could be bad, in that if the Chinese realize it paints the orphanage system badly, there will be no future volunteers and even adoptions themselves could freeze up.

There is a discussion around her motivation for the book. She states it is to make adoptive parents aware, general people aware and bring greater hope to the system. However, some question her motives as she did not chose not to adopt. However, she is a mom of a complex family; two biological children, both girls, one living with the father, the second living with her and her second husband. Also, she took a few children home for weekend visits, and this raises the question of how disruptive this could have been to the children. Honestly, I'm still not sure of my opinion on these items, so no judgement. I don't think anyone should adopt unless (1) they really want to and (2) they understand what they are getting into. So I can't fault her for not adopting. I also don't know if it is good for the kids in the orphanage to have a treat or if she was setting up false hope.

The book is hitting the stores at a difficult moment for those involved in adoption of Chinese children; frankly the government has changed the rules and many who thought they would qualify no longer do. Also the wait for children is very long; for healthy babies, 3-5 years is a possibility and even in the special needs program its more of a >1 year stand now.

Bottom line, its hard not to comment on the book. It is a worthy read, it is interesting and informative, even if I walked away from the book not "liking" the writer.

Preschool Starts

"Yeah!" for the people who teach preschool. I am consistently amazed at the souls that choose interacting with the under five crowd as a way to make a living. This is an emotional, sensitive and wet (snotty, among other liquids) group. Bless them!

DS1 was a trouper yesterday and walked around the room, play space, cubby holes and all that jazz with the assistant instructor while DH and I sat with the primary instructor; in tiny little chairs at a tiny little table (no tea or pills involved). She, the lead teacher, is very cool. I liked her from the moment she said hello. The assistant instructor also very cool, and a Latino! Great vibes! In NYC, and I think NY state, all preschool teachers have to have a master degree. This blows my mind, but clearly creates some great educational environments.

We chatted on what DS1 does when he's mad (not really much), his general awesome temperament, what things he enjoys, his verbal (extreme!) and counting skills (still working on getting passed #5). He had no food allergies, so all good there. I did volunteer to bake for the class, anything they need. And yes, I've already been called on for monday; my mission is cookies without any egg product; so far thinking oatmeal raisin, but I'll come up with a few choices to cover the next few weeks. I love to bake when the end product quickly moves out our front door it is clearly a win-win scenario for the enjoyment of baking and the size of my thighs.

We also took DS2 along for the meeting. He loved the classroom as well. I mentioned the obvious, that he was adopted, but then also mentioned he was adopted just 6-7 weeks ago. I wanted them to know in case DS1 brought it up in class since it is all (adoption and preschool) is so new to us. Big surprise, DS1's new teacher, and educator of 20 years, African-American (Im guessing, could be Latina?), is an adoptee!! She volunteered the information in a happy and excited tone! I didn't ask any question, but I can't wait too.

This morning was the official first day of class, albeit with half the kids, and only half the half day, which means around an hour and only 10 kids. DS1 and I went to preschool, after cooking breakfast together with DS2 and the sitter. It was the first time DS2 was in the kitchen while cooking and it was fun. DS1 was trying to get him to help, but he really just wanted to watch and chew on a spatula, which, in my view, is a good start. The sitter just takes notes. She hadn't made scrabbled eggs with cheese before, so she thought that was cool, but was worried that I let DS1 break open all the eggs. But we had a great hour together cooking and eating and all bonding all four ways!

Back to preschool, it was cool. We went to our, or DS1's, cubby and put in the clothes for "accidents" and deposited the puppy that "had" to come along from home. And I put in my bag assuming that I'd be staying. Of the 10 kids there, and I should say half have a different head teacher and assistant, so in total we were 2 head teachers, 2 assistant teachers, 10 kids and 10 accompanying adults, there was only two other mommies, the rest were sitters. Clearly, this is a working crowd. Several kids had siblings in the upper levels, which made them familiar with the school. Only one little girl had not been to any separation class and was clinging. The rest were into exploration, but mostly parallel play, which is clearly a step back from his typical play-date or playground pick-up game. The teacher said this is common until the parents disappear and then the kids really start talking to one another. Overall, I think he had fun. I was jealous, it is definitely a cool way to spend a few hours; play dough, blocks, animal toys, gym and song and circle time.

On the way out, I asked the teacher if there was an adoption network at the school. She said no, but that she would help me get one started. I'm excited about this. The school is a pre-K through 12th grad school, with about 40 -50 kids at each grade, and we are in the heart of NYC, so I'm guessing there will be 10-15 adopted families, and maybe a few considering the choice? We'll find out more in a few days.

My goals in preschool are:
-for DS1 to have a blast, and maybe to learn too count to ten
-for DS2 to get some age and skill appropriate play time for him
-for me to meet some cool parents, and
-to not over extend myself and become too involved.

Well, in two days of school stuff, I think goals #1 and #2 are looking good, and I'm only obligated to baking for any and all occasions and starting an adopted family network! Awesome!