A New Year is always an interesting time. First, myself and generally everyone around is re-examining their life and thinking about things to change. Second, change is coming, we do have a political change occurring soon. Also, change has already occurred, the economy is in the toilet, the price of oil is unstable, and hopefully we all continue to seek world peace (not a minor thing, sounds like fluff, but frankly it is important).
In 2008, I saw DS1 grow so much! He has become a little man and a big brother. He has started school and now has a life so beyond the family it amazes me. He continues to be curious about the world, touching and exploring everything. This has meant a pinched finger at the airport, a few splinters and questions about the world around him. I have hopes for him. But they are vague, I just want him to continue to be curious, loving and playful. DH complains he is too cautious, but I think he is really too empathetic. I want him to find all the things that makes his heart sing. We are ending the year in the midst of an asthma attack which will take a few more days to control, but we are armed with the knowledge of what to watch for and how to treat to keep this at bay in the future. He has been my arts and craft partner, my cooking assistant, reminder to laugh and be silly, and source of imaginative play. All things that have contributed to my life greatly. My love for him is so deep that sometimes I don't think it should even be called love. This year we face new challenges, as in finding time to play together in the midst of introducing chores and responsibilities. But another day together is always welcomed.
In 2008, DS2 physically joined our lives. In the beginning of the year he was already emotionally with me, which just created incredible pain as the wait continued long into May before we were granted permission to add him to our family. It was a whirlwind from there getting ready, going to China and back. The trip was unlike anything I have ever experienced and something I can not adequately express in words; the fact that I have yet to print any photos for the house may express my confusion on the subject. The dichotomy of going there to get a child that society had abandoned, but seeing first hand how devoted to children and family the society is was perplexing and troubles me. Then there was the adjustment. Frankly it was much harder than anything I ever expected. But five months later, we are in a different place. While we meet as strangers, saying hello as best as we could, we are now family. Is there love? Yes, but again it is deep and odd in a way that the term love just doesn't seem to be enough to cover it. It is not how I love DS1, but unique to one that is developed over time. We end the year with a new routine, therapy and ear tubes. I look forward to this year hoping that we may be able to speak to one another. I know his brother is anxiously awaiting that day as well.
In 2008, I became acquainted with an idea of a "birth mom". It is the woman whose belly we emerged from. DS2's birth mom is with me off and on; today she is in my thoughts. It is a one sided relationship, but a real relationship, and it emerges at unexpected moments. I like to believe that she hopes that I exist and am doing what I'm doing. I like to believe that she exists and is living well. At times I hate her for not seeing the value in this amazing little guy that runs in my bedroom in the morning with a smile to wake me. At times I hate her when DS2 is pulling my hair, biting and showing all other signs of loss. But at times I am so sad for her loss. She doesn't know what she lost, and she must wonder. I know she loved him, she carried him for nine months and got him to a "safe" place. But does she still? I think so, if I were her I think I would. And again, is love and adequate word, for a child she doesn't know, but does. As I face a New Year with new challenges, she may not even be aware, she may not know DS2 is in the US and we are at a holiday. Chinese New Year starts January 26th this year, and at that time, will she be facing new challenges? Is she ok? Will she ever get word that DS2 is ok? It is so sad to think about. There really are no answers at the moment. Maybe one day. But I wish her well.
I try to keep the blog to kid issues, so just a quick note that DH is a good guy and I wish him and us the best in the new year. Also I have tons of work-related goals. Not more than the sky, but I plan to hit those this year too. And yes, I have personal goals. So 2008, you were not all bad, you were pretty good/great at times. Other times, I was scared, ready for a change, but also need changes that I was not ready for. And guess what, 2009 is at the doorstep, I'm going to bust the door wide open and run!
