From my heart

In the last few weeks I've gotten a few emails regarding this blog. I write because it is cathartic for me. It releases my demons. I find once I've written a thought out, and let it loose, it no longer bounces around in my brain.

I'm so thankful to hear from you that I'm not the only one thinking about these things; life, kids, aging, love, etc. I really appreciate your comments, and I appreciate your perspective. Going boldly, where I probably shouldn't, but here is a small sample of what you've said, in anonymous terms, and why I'm so glad you wrote!

"....I have to say I was reading some back posts, one in August or September had me laughing because I could have written it. Thank you for being so honest and saying what most people only wish they could say (especially for those of us too afraid of offending family members by speaking bluntly about them)...... it is so nice to see people lay it out for real so we know we aren't the only ones that struggle; Yes, I'm the type of mom that gets really excited when I see a mom ready to pull her hair out because her kids are driving her nuts at the zoo- makes me feel so normal!"

First, I wasn't sure I was normal when I started writing, so thank you for letting me in on the secret that I am! Second, I have on many occasions written late in the evening, or with slightly elevated blood alcohol levels and then thought, "hmm, lets see if my mom calls tomorrow to talk about that one?" And thankfully, my husband read the blog once and then quit. But he thinks it is all "girl talk". To which I say, "SO NOT!"

"I read your blog about the ebb and flow - and can really relate both to that, and also the relief/risk of sharing all those feelings."

That's what I'm talking about. Your share your thoughts with some people and they look at you like you are the worst mother on the planet; you share with others and the get it, they've been there too! I promise to listen better to everyone! And I'm so grateful to those that understand!

"I wish our child would have had the benefit of foster care. She never left the orphanage. I guess without any kind of medical intervention until we adopted her, foster care wasn't an option."

It is so helpful to have another perspective. Sometimes we go through the same events, but from different sides. Sometimes we go through different events but all sharing a common love for what's best for the kids. And sometimes I get so stuck in my rut, that I need to be reminded of alternative realities. Our kids have us now, I just can't believe how awesome that is!

"Just had to drop you a note to say I'm so glad I found your blog. I love your honesty. I have two kids from China (daughter 4, son 2.5) and can relate to a lot of what you write."

I think at times adoptive parents are afraid to talk adoption talk with non-adoptive parents. I think at times non-adoptive parents are afraid to ask adoption questions to adoptive parents. Straddling both worlds, I talk about it all with everyone and find we all just love our kids and there is commonality it that.

"Your mother sent me your thoughts on.... Your boys are beautiful and regards to your husband."
Mom, I love you, but I really hope you are editing what you copy and paste! Otherwise the rest of the family may think you raised a real wacko!

And last, but not least, a message that took my breath away:

"Yes, I know how you feel. I remember many times in my children's teen age years
how much I wonder if I loved them, or was I willing to let them go with no regrets.
I remember when they finally moved out and how I felt about it. In both cases love
was just behind my frustrations. I didn't feel this way again until I had
grandchildren, two adopted and four biological, and I started to wonder the same;
Can I have love for all of them, can I love the adopted as much as the others. But they
do things, different things that make you think different.  It amaze me how
my heart have such a deep love for each grandchildren and all the loves are different."
 
First, this is awesome because I'm not sure I'm confident enough
to broach the "love question" with grandparents. It is great to
know, the love comes.  And I'm not sure if  they even remember
how tough raising kids can be at times (or is it like child birth, a
pain that is soon forgotten?).  I also like knowing that this
experience, raising kids, is mine to carry and cherish for a long
time to come.  Finally, I'm not too excited to hear that teenage
years make you question the choice again!

Thank you all for let me vent.  Thank you for your support. 
Good Karma is being sent out to everyone!

Expectation havic

Over the course of the weekend, it seemed like one theme kept creeping up on me although, it was hard to put it all together at first. The theme was, expectations vs. reality = life. I've been examining my life a lot lately; recent big changes and my birthday have sparked that fire. Frankly, I haven't been a planner, I haven't had a direction. I have lacked a "clear" expectations of what I wanted from life, I've lacked long term goals. I know what I find unacceptable, but the rest has been pretty loose.

Over the weekend, hanging with different groups of moms, at different events/gatherings, there was discussion on "what we expected family-wise"; i.e., to grow up and have a kid, a couple kids, or a big family. Having money to pay the bills, a big house with a yard, or even a school system we could afford. I've had fantasies of running a cafe in Europe, but generally I assumed I would have children, a couple, but my "visions" or "daydreams" about that life were pretty limited to vignettes of me running around doing things with a couple school-aged kids, not babies. Pictures of us on the move.

Some of my friends had much more specific expectations; having a large family in the countryside, having beautiful baby girls with rolling curls, of not having children. None of us were planning for kids with behavioural, physical, or emotional issues. We didn't think our kids would need therapy - for anything. We didn't expect surgical interventions would be required. We didn't expect it would be so hard to parent (this is such a dirty little secret!! but Parenting, staying active in your child's life and being a good example, is not easy!)

What really struck me though was those with the clearest visions of their futures, seemed to me to be having the hardest time with the reality they were handed. And I'm not saying my friends with plans had the kids with the biggest issues, not by a long shot. It just seems the expectations were so ingrained that the failure of meeting them now appears to be a heavy burden. I also add "at this moment" because I do get that our kids, and our relationship to them, changes greatly over time.

I love my boys, I love that they are their own persons. I see DH struggle when the boys don't meet his expectations, I see me loose my mind when they are so emotional fluid that tears appear for a folded piece of paper "that should be flat!" I obviously thought parenting would be easier, maybe that is my bad expectation.

Having not carried specific/clear thoughts about what the future would bring, which I have long thought was one of my big personal weakness, may have actually brought me a decent level of happiness. Nonetheless I'm always hoping and assuming the best, still shooting for it. I don't think having a vision of a desired future is bad, it might even be the motivation needed for change. But a clear vision of reality, not bogged by disappointment vs. the expectations, is of value as well. I guess it might be healthiest if we let both reality and expectations of the future evolve over time.

The ebb and flow of love

Sometimes it is just too hard to admit to where I am. Then I realize I need to admit it. I tell someone. And then very quickly my world changes.

I'd been thinking about writing on the flow of love for a couple weeks. It, the flow of feelings, is not consistent. When you think and examine your love for another human being, it scary to recognize that it ebbs and flows. There may be a base, or a belief that love is always there, but there are moments when you are heavily in love, not romantic love, and other moments where you need a flashlight to find the warm spots.

In the last few weeks I've had fewer comments about the littlest man in my life. Frankly, he was just riding a nerve for me and love, to be polite, was not immense. This was a significant disappointment to me. In just the weeks prior, I had been feeling immense love and deep conection with him. Then all of a sudden, out of the blue, with no sparking moment, the warmth dried up.

At a birthday party two weekends ago, I ran into an adoption mom, and she asked, "How's it going?" I hesitated, but then I honestly told her, "A few weeks ago I was on cloud nine after a not so great adjustment period. I thought the self-questioning was behind me. Now I'm rather down as I'm back to not feeling as great of love, back to questioning why we are together." Without a hesitation, without a blink, she responded, "Yeah, it goes that way. It will return."

What simple words, yet it freed me. COMPLETELY. I was worried that I'm the worst adoption mom on the planet. I love the kid, but it ebbs and flows. When it ebbs I worry that it is gone forever; our closest moments have passed. This is when I can't seem to bring myself to write about it. But then I find myself giggling with him again, the love/warmth just starts to perk up again. And I know, things are better; not that they were ever truly terrible, its just the stuff the mind wanders through. It is good to know there is no singular path to loving a child. It is good to know I'm not the only one who questions whether they love their child or not.

I often wonder what is an "adoption" issue vs. just a "mother/parenting" issue. Before we adopted I never questioned whether I loved my biological son. Frankly, I still very seldom do. With him there is just a bond, unbreakable, that whether I love him or not, he is mine and we move forward. Accordingly there has been no imputes to stop and think, "do I love him? Is he ok with me, or would he have been better off with another family?" However, when you add someone to your life by choice, i.e., marriage or adoption, I think I'm more prone to examine my choice in the matter, and frankly I regularly question is this a choice I should keep, or do I need to alter my perspective.

My husband is a beautiful, somewhat tolerant man, that makes me laugh. Is that enough? After 10 years you'd think I'd know by now. What I do know is that the love in our relationship ebbs and flows. It depends on what I'm going through, what he is going through, how we are handling it together or not. But we've thrown our lot in together and keep thinking forward on those lines, and we conquer. There is always love, its just where on the pendulum swing are we? I should learn from this first lesson and apply it to the adoption. I'm just realizing that now, nine months in.

With my beautiful little China man, there is love. And yes it ebbs and flows. Because I made a choice to seek him out, I think about how things would be without him. And what would life like look like for him without me. Depending where I am on the pendulum swing of love colors my view of these parallel fantasy lives that never happened and are never going to be uncovered. But he is mine, I am his. We are in this together and there is no breaking the bond. But it is different than the relationship I have with my biological son. It is not different love, just different circumstances.

I will thank that adoption mom at the next birthday party. Being willing to put my fears in words and share was hard. Having someone to tell was a God send. Her offering support and reality was grace.

A window to the past

This weekend we got together with another family who adopted a child from the same orphanage as DS2, just 2 months before we picked up DS2.

First how we met; there are Yahoo chat groups dedicated to the various orphanages in China. The week before joining the group I had received updated photos of DS2 from another mom who was picking up a child. In these photos, my DS2 was with a friend. After joining my specific group, I noticed that the other family had posted that they were about to leave for China, and had a blog, so I checked it out. When I clicked on the other family's blog, it was my guy's friend! I immediately emailed the photos. They also had photos of my son at the orphanage with their daughter, too cool!

Well, this weekend, just a couple day before our 3 month anniversary of being a family of four, we were able to hook up with the other family! See photos above.

It was a great but strange meeting. Strange in how do I suddenly say hello to another mom that gets it! and has helped me so much along the way, with whom I share an intimate understanding of something we both are experiencing separately. I really needed the opportunity to touch base on all sorts of things, but really I hope this is only the beginning as there is so much to share. Additionally the other mom has older kids and more "mom" experience than me, and yeah, I'll take all the pointers I can get!

Enough on the adults, the kids were funny. They clearly knew each other, but they were cautious. What does this mean? Why are we here? What is going on? Also my brother and a couple of his kids were there aw well as my parents neighbors, so DS2 was already a bit out of his element and clingy. Frankly, he is just clingier anytime we are not in our usual routine. But I could feel his body change in my arms when he saw her. There was interest, but there was fear.

By the time all were feed and had an opportunity to run around, the kids were friendly, giving hugs and such. I think next time they'll be less timid.

That night, DS2 had nightmares all night. Crying out every hour to 45 minutes without fully waking up. DH took the brunt of this, sleeping in the boys room. I think there was just a few emotions that need to be worked out. The second night, DS2 slept through the night no problem.

When I face the complexity of our lives, and all the feelings that go along with it, I'm overwhelmed by just how much there is to consider and how little is known of what is the best approach, and the uncertainty of my feelings on a variety of subjects. I want to do what is best for the kids, for DH, for me, but I don't know what that is. Yeah, baths before bed time, that is an easy decision. However, reminding DS2 of his early start, just seems to upset him - I forgot to mention he hated seeing the photo of the orphanage. But there is progress. I love him, he loves me, and DS1 and DH are in the mix as well. Big progress in that DS2 is now going to bed at the same time as DS1 and in the same room, without crying. Well, most of the time! I guess I just keep reminding myself it is just coming up to 3 months.

Did you hear the "Click"?

Nope, neither did I. However, as I write today I know something did "click" and we are in a grove as a family unit!

I'm back at work and it kind of feels good. Yeah, I want more time with the boys, more time for myself, but its unrealistic. So, I'm at work, and a bit excited about a few things I'm starting here.

DS1has started preschool, and LOVES it. He is good to go in the mornings with no complaints, happy to tell me about it in the evening, and so far his teacher thinks he's doing great. Oddly, DH is struggling a bit with pre-school, just the concept of it and that he himself didn't enjoy school a lot. Its interesting that as you children reach various stages we revisit how those stages impacted us.

DS2 is in a groove. He is content with the daytime sitter, happy to see DS1 in the afternoon, happy to see DH and I at night. He is eating well (Dr. visit tomorrow to see if he's gaining weight), all the test came back healthy, he is finally in a napping routine in the afternoons, and I have a routine for putting him to sleep at night even though he still cries at bedtime.

DH is pitching in with morning care of the boys until the sitter arrives, and taking DS1 to preschool. He has also started helping a bit more around the house. This is great!

I think of how much I hated life when we were just home a day or two, the sleep deprivation, the exhaustion, and I realize it was so temporary! I still get tired, and emotionally drained, but I'm not hitting zero lately. DS2 is still a bit like the neighbor's kid, but I'm very attached and not ready for the neighbor to return.

And a big thanks to all my firends that told me to hang in there. Photo attached is just one of those souls who means so much to me, and the boys! Yes, five years from now when we get together for picnics with the boys, we'll have to carry creates of food! So, even if I don't call everyday, I am lucky to have people to call, which means you all can call on my anytime!

Emotional tonight

It is interesting that today I have been in a state of thanks and appreciation after quite some time of just getting through. I wasn't even going to write today, but as I was putting the boys down for the night I felt compelled.

What brought this on, you may ask. I have no idea. First, yesterday my parents arrived in town which usually makes me a bit more introspective than normal. Second, I went to a kiddy class with a girlfriend and her son and my girlfriend was emotionally spent, to a level I totally identified with, which made me feel great compassion, not only for her, but for both of us. Then last night we had a party with a bunch of friends, and I forget how many people I have available to call in an emergency (the photos from the boat. The danger in posting these is that some friends weren't invited and will now be pissed. Let me just say, I am so tired and wired, that in the end I wasn't sure who I invited, who I didn't, or even who was coming). Finally tonight, DS1 insisted it was time for DS2 to start sleeping in his room; not in the crib outside my room. That is love. So yes, they are both in there now!

So, tonight's post is to the people I love, respect, appreciate, use, underutilized and that have butted their way into my life either by invitation or not, Thank you! All of you! Even those that hate me and make me better by reminding me how much I suck.

-I love my friends for listening to my rants and offering parenting advice I need.
-I love the strangers on the street for the parenting advice I would never use.
-I love my family, frankly, because they put up with me and have given up on changing me.
-I love the woman who cleans the house once a week, cause I do like a clean toilet and sit my it nightly at bath time.
-I love the sitter who takes the boys during the day, you are my sanity as you enjoy the kids stuff and playing peek-a-boo for 3 hours when 3-5 peeks is enough for me. Both I and the kids are better people for having you in our life.
-I love the doorman of our building that teach my kids complicated hand shakes and how to hose the city grit off the side walk, and most importantly occasionally tell me I look good.
-I love the laundry man that always knows my name and asks about the boys, even if they are not with me.
-I love the masseuse at the nail salon, who I know are there to help even if I don't have the time.
-I love the neurotic moms who make me want to be a better mom.
-I love the pathetically bad moms who make me feel better about my own parenting skills.
-I love my husband's friends who get him out of the house without me, even if I get jealous.
-I love my husband's friends because they were there for me when I had no friends of my own.
-I love the parents' of ds's friends, also they are receptive to my neurosis and invite out of the house!
-I love my job for teaching me I'm a peg in a wheel.
-I love the boys for thinking I've got magical powers - well, I told them I do and they still don't know I fib on occasion.
-I love NYC for the people, parks, take out, restaurants, and craziness it provides.
-I love the bus drivers that continue to co-conspire with ds1 and let him think we are riding the super hero bus.
-I love preschool for teaching my kid something - life.
-And yes, I love my husband and for this one I need not offer a reason, I just do.

I don't do it alone. I really do nothing alone. This humbles me daily.

To not knowing the date

I'm pretty sure I know what time it is, well generally there is light or there is not. If its getting dark, put the kids to bed. If my eyes are open and its light, there is something we should be doing!

Today's photos is actually still from Block Island, but I thought it was appropriate for the random thoughts I have to share today. It was shot by me, holding the camera on my shoulder pointing down at ds2 as he looks out at the world from the safety of my snuggle sack. I think he looks pensive, alert and slightly terrified; which I view all as positive, frankly he's engaged and curious.

So to random thoughts -

"have to share" - could be interpreted as thoughts I want to share with you today. However, the reality is these are thoughts I "have" to get out of my head and on paper so I no longer have to think about them. The blog has become amazingly therapeutic to me. I always have teased my husband that I need a wife, but it turns out I just needed to take up writing and the occasional supportive comments of friends or at a minimum fellow survivors.

Mommie time vs. me time vs. husband time - all three have become precious commodities. There is love, which grows, but with time, it is constant; there is no way to create more of it. Mommie time includes having breakfast with ds2, a new routine after I give ds1 to sitter. Dh kind of wanted to join us today, and frankly I discouraged him, I like this short window with ds2 I actually view it as me time more than mommie time; I have tea and toast, he has scrambled eggs, sausage and a banana along with an occasional french fries (yes I am trying to fatten him up!!). Then therapeutic mommie time as I take ds2 to some stimulating environment where I can also commiserate with fellow souls in the trenches. Yesterday, the Barnes & Noble children's section where I met two very nice Japanese women who asked if he was Japanese then left me alone, and a group of Irish nannies that I quiet enjoyed hanging with. Today we were at the Children's museum on 83rd street. I figured they have a baby play area where I was going to teach him how to crawl. Well, people thought I was crazy and I only got stuck in one tunnel, but we had fun. Also we ran into three Chinese grandmas taking care of grandchildren who were very friendly with me. Their charges played with me and mine with theirs. They all spoke Mandarin. DS2 clearly understood what they were saying; clapped to their song, and giggled. But wanted to stay with me, not them (HA!!). For lunch mommie of two time, with both boys and the sitter. Yesterday we ate by the Hudson River, gorgeous, but had to fight off pigeons that kept going for the chips we dropped. Yes, I know its a catch 22, you drop chips and the pigeons come, but the kids couldn't help themselves. Today to Ollie's, chinese restaurant. I think the sitter is getting a kick out of eating out and more importantly having an adult to talk to. Then me time in the afternoons. Yesterday this included unpacking and writing. Today it includes laundry and writing, but I will get some real "work" work done today as well. Then family time, with dinner, dh, baths and bed. Honestly, today is only day two of the routine, but I like it. Limited "me time", daddy only gets worn out mommie at the end of the day, and kids dominate. However, this is temporary, I think I can enjoy it for a couple weeks, but I'm a working soul and just a slight bit anxious to get back to work in a couple weeks.

Hating/Loving everyone who DS2 smiles at - Its an amazingly insecure phenomena, but when you still don't 100% feel like the child is yours, whenever anyone gets a smile from your child, I worry that maybe he loves them more than me (I'm generalizing that everyone feels the same way I do, which may not be true, maybe I'm more insecure than most, but I'm going to venture a guess not). Maybe he is wondering why he didn't get them instead of me. However, I'm secure that he's figured out I'm mommie and has chosen to throw his lot in with ours. I also think the sitter will be very good for him. Just like ds1, with ds2, when I'm around, they want to be with me and doing things with me. But they need to learn independence and confidence by doing things without me there. They both need the sitter time! And I think ds2 loves ds1 even if he gets jealous.

Ok, All for now. I feel purged.

7/30/08 - mostly photos tonight.

Tonight I'm switching the order, commentary first and photos second. Promise not to do it again.
Photography is a passion. But, and there is always a but, I work full time and I am a mom, so being on a trip to the amazing places we are seeing and not getting to spend time taking serious photos makes a small part of my heart cringe. The biggest item, is often I only gt one shot or two and then have to run to catch up with the others. The fact that we are here, doing well and now a family of four more than compensates.

Today, as I was reviewing shots, I realized there are still more photos of ds1 than ds2. There is a simple answer - DS2 is either being pushed by me or strapped to me, so not in the photos. This also explains why there are so few photos of me. I haven't been posting one of my favorite series of photos which is the back of dh and ds1 because, dh is hot and walking way faster than me - I do love this series!

Lastly on the photography, I cringe that a few of you know I'm into photography and are reading the blog. You are getting raw unedited shots. No exposure tweaks, no cropping and most noticeable of all no covering up the dust spots in the photos.

Today was muggy, but really not bad compared to Nanchang. Now that doesn't mean we weren't sweating within 5 minutes of walking, but it just didn't feel as bad. We went over to the huge - and I really mean huge - outdoor market of medicinal stuff - it is so much more than herbs! Also some food items, and pets - a curious combination. Again with pool time.

Also forgot to mention we have had a second adoption - ds1 has adopted a mouse, specifically a 10" Jerry, of Tom & Jerry. He needs to be with ds1 all the time or as reported by ds "is not happy". I love the transference.

Paper work is all good, everything went to the embassy (or consulate, at this point I'm confused), but tomorrow is the "swearing in". Friday very early we head home, via Beijing to Newark, then taxi to the city. That's it for tonight.


So much to shoot at the market, but with everything in the sea available in a dried form, it was also educational for the boys.
Streets and streets of shops, lots of people out walking about. It is a wholesale market, so people sell and buy in bulk for the most part.
After the market a quick bath for the boys!
View from our hotel room at night. I'm sure I have another shot in better focus, but good enough to give the idea.

Ds1 wanted a puppy. Not until he's old enough to marry!
What ds1 looks like when he's hot and sweaty!

Ladies selling live scorpions. Ds1 looking on.
Anybody need a dried lizard on a stick? son kept asking "how did the man catch so many?"

Seahorses by bulk. Here they also had turtle shells.
This man is cleaning a duck. Son mesmerized, husband horrified.

Start of the morning walk.
Saving the best for last. To the adoption moms, I now have the photo to trade. To the non-adoption moms, here's the scoop. If you adopt a child from China and stay at the White Swan Hotel, Mattel sponsors a playroom and gives every child a Barbie. Please note, this is a blond-haired, blue-eyed Barbie with a Chinese baby in her hands. Pretty horrific! But pretty awesome in a twisted John Waters kind of way. Sons loved it, DH wanted to give it back, I'm totally keeping this one; its mine!!

7/12/08 - I love weekends

I don't even know the date by Sunday night. Weekends are a whirlwind of family time. Great time bonding, tired time trying to avoid naps, and my favorite... the silly time. Silly time comes out of nowhere. Its those in-between moments when the joke is really stupid but we all get it. Its the giggles, the snuggles, the free kisses. Its really the reward of parenting, but it is greater than that because it happens between the three of us, not just with ds. This weekend the silly time was punctuated with the knowledge that soon its about to get richer by adding one more soul to the mix!

This weekend we had company visiting from out of town; cousins that ds loves. I had two boys sleep over saturday night and woke up to a household of three boys and of course the older fourth, my husband. Honestly, not a bad thing! But because of the family time, and the focus on savoring the last moments as a trio, Sunday night swept up on me like a ton of bricks. OH NO, I have to pack! Good news is, I took tomorrow off work just to do that.

So here's the logistics update. We are booked, I have tickets as well as a folder from the agency with every form we need. I have cash from the bank and a money belt to wear on the trip. I have all the required medicines, lots of distraction stuff, and diapers for all. I did manage to pack the orphanage donation bag. It is weighing at slightly over 30 lbs, which is perfect! (Note: for intra-China travel, suitcases must weight no more than ~40 lbs. For international flights the weight limit is 50 lbs. But how are you supposed to lose 10 lbs between flights is a small miracle I'd like someone to fill me in on. Forget the suitcase, I'll apply this miracle to my thighs!)

So here's the emotional update. I can burst into tears on a dime. Mostly for totally good reasons. The orphanage bag is predominately stuffed with supplies my friends have donated. Honestly, so much I couldn't get it all in the suitcase; t-shirts, dresses, boy clothes, girl clothes, socks, shampoo, combs, formula, developmental toys, pull toys, hydrocorticoid creams, socks and more socks. The things that didn't fit in the bag, I took to the adoption agency for my meeting with the three other couples that are traveling with us. I can say that all the donations, whether I carry them or not, are making it to kids in need/China. This is the kind of thing that makes me tear up - I know, pathetic.

Another big tear burst tonight, another adoption mom was reviewing photos from a disposable camera they sent to the orphanage which they retrieved when they pick up their daughter last month (talk about a run on sentence that I don't know how to fix!). She just emailed me the photos of her gorgeous daughter with my son tonight. The photos are amazing, its the first time I get to see my son smiling!! I don't think the Chinese Government has any idea how hard we work to keep these kids connected to China, to their peers and/or their region. Its amazing we have the technology to create this kind of network! Thank you Nicole!!



For those prospective adoption parents, or waiting adoption parents, you should know you can send a small package to your child. After we sent in our letter of intent, but before the Chinese authorities blessed the match, through our adoption agency we sent a small package; a disposable camera, a child-friendly photo album with 5 photos of ds1, dh and I, a small toy (slinky), a small stuffed animal, and some candies for the nannies (the nurses who take care of the children). The hope is when we go pick him up... in 10 days!!...We may receive the camera, which we can develop and give him/us photos of his friends and surroundings from before he joined us. Additionally, he will have seen photos of us, so we won't be a totally surprise.

The other tear jerker - your comments! Keep them coming! It totally helps. I have bought a travel stroller, travel scale, set aside tons of snacks to bring, as well as taken great counsel in your thoughts and words! Thank you. I am oddly calm tonight, I guess its because I haven't reached the crisis moment that I know is coming....when the suitcases won't close. But in the last week I've learned that we are traveling, booked the travel, completed all the documents, had awesome bonding time with my family and now feel more settled that we are leaving for an adventure of a life time. But this is not the first adventure or the last! The early adventures include, going to grad school, getting married and having the first child. This next adventure is to become a family of four. I'm not planning beyond this next adventure, but I know it only leads to more wonderful adventures to follow.

P.S. On the anxiety sleep. Good news, I got my period, drank a more than a glass of wine, and have been sleeping much better. Also very glad to have one less thing to pack on the trip, tampons!