Nice people

So... the people who answer the phone at Poison Control are really the nicest people!

But let me back up.  There are things I care about which my husband doesn't.  I typically try to present an argument for my reasoning, which he typically ignores.  I then try to just cover his end of the issue with my own action.  Then I start to redirect the entire family to avoid the emergency I for see. For the most part, I'm just "a worry wort".

So the battle over items on his dresser top started when the Big Boy was born. I thought the loose change could just as easily go in a piggy bank as on the top of the dresser.  So, I informed, explained what a chocking hazard it could be and bought an attractive piggy bank.  The piggy bank was ignored.  Every day, multiple time a day, if I noticed loose change I would grab it and put it in the piggy bank.  After a couple weeks, I "cashed it in" in front of him and bought something for me. As soon as the Big Boy was big enough to pick up a coin, I taught him the thrill of putting it in the piggy bank.  This lowered the risk if I missed a penny.

Then came the discussion that while I understand his quest for perfect health and desire to live forever, the daily multi-vitamin regime, and I mean over 10 pills a day, needed to be out of the reach of little hands.  These moved from the kitchen counter to his bedroom closet.  But then occasionally there would be a pill on the dresser top and I would go ballistic; or "Over React".

So, when the Little Man came walking to me with a funny look on his face, from Daddy's dresser, I asked what was wrong to which he stuck out a red tainted tongue made a sick face and asked for water, I FREAKED!  I stuck my fingers in his mouth found chewed bits of pill, which when I licked my finger tasted horrible.  

A quick review of the dresser top produced a used blister pack that said "ant" and 30 mg.  I immediately called the hubby and asked what was on his dresser.  He didn't know.  I informed him he was a complete @#$&*&(&, needed to get home immediately,  as he was taking Little Man to the emergency room and hung up.  

Next I called the lovely folks at Poison Control.

The lady was cool and calm.  She never seemed alarmed or passed judgement.  She really just tried to help.  First we had to identify what he took.  We knew it was tiny, red, 30 mg and ended in "ant".  I guessed the most likely word was "decongestant".  She identified it as a Sudafed.  Good news, the Little Man can handle it, but would be hyper for a while.  Scary news, if it had been something else we could have been pumping his stomach.  

And the Little Man, he was a trooper.  He knew I was upset, mad, working fast, but he was right there staying calm but wanting water.  Once I relaxed, he did too.

So I choose to focus on the positive.  First, he's fine.  Second, the poison control people are really lovely. Third, he's very unlikely to go through that again.  Finally, with the reorganization of our lives and some furniture arranging in our future, I think the dresser is going!

 

Some Days, Just Holding On

Trying to figure out how the bubbles work.

The climbing machine.

I'm sorry, I've lost my mind and I don't seem to know where its gone?
Is it Spring fever? Is it exhaustion? Is it the economy? Am I finally old?

Really, its not a big deal, it just seems that this last week (maybe 10 days) I've been struggling to concentrate and be my usual "productive" self. Not that I've been totally unproductive, it just seems the cosmos are conspiring for me to be involved in so many projects that I'm unsure where to even start.

First, I have a huge consulting job that I was excited about, but now its back to the boring stage of just doing the summary presentation. Guess what, I got it done, sent it to the client, and arranged a conference call presentation. The the cosmos took over and the conference call was missed! But, we finally connected today! Yeah! Another billing out the door! Of course there are three clients waiting for me to finish the big job so I can crank on theirs. I'm excited to get started on the new stuff and made major head way today!

Second, my toy, the other new business, was expected to take a week to clear customs and another week to arrive at my house, setting a launch date of early May. Guess what? It arrived last Tuesday! So last week I personally unloaded 46 creates from a truck and carried them the half block to our house (I still don't understand why he couldn't have parked closer). I've rearranged everything in our apartment, it has become clear the clutter we've recently added. I've been working nights trying to get everything ready for the "Launch", about 10 days sooner than expected. Can't work days, still got a day job! But it is going forward! This evening the boys helped me with putting stamps on postcard for my first mailer to my target retailers. Tomorrow, I start my friend and family campaign on the toy with a reading of the toy's back story at preschool, a gift to the kids, and supply to my first two local retailers (I'll announce the toy's launch on this site next week - just can't get it all done at once! And for the record, I didn't go to preschoo; which probably explains why I like it so much now.)

Finally, after weeks of bundling up for every trip out, Spring SPRANG in the most magnificent way! Why in the world would I be working when all of a sudden we have 90 degree weather? Of course, it is more important for me to be out on the bike! So weekends are officially off-duty. We rode our bikes down to Battery Park, had brunch down by the world financial center (bit empty compared to the pre-9/11 days, probably hit again by the recent economic woes). But still a beautiful place to have brunch, not expensive and let the kids run in the fountain. And guess what, the gym is paying off. I feel stronger on the bike then I have in years!

So clarity is coming! My mind is wander back to its rightful spot. Tonight we are eating left overs vs. me cooking. Tonight I'm stuffing bags for pre-school. I'm excited to read them another story! I'm really excited about the new consulting project. I'm ready to draft my launch press release, well, maybe on Thursday. So I lost my mind, it wandered back and yeah, I still motivated about the future! And worst of all, today I volunteered to bake for this weekend's school fair. I learn nothing!

Coping, Growing Up

Not sure if I'm thinking about me or DS1. I was going to write about what a great boy he was recently when we went to the dentist and I was impressed by his willingness to go through a not so pleasant experience because, I said we need to do "this". He stayed focused on the TV they had in the room, which was playing cartoons with which he was unfamiliar. His devotion to the TV was clearly his way of coping with the moment. There were strange noises, sounds and the weird sensation of things going on in his mouth.

Lately, I'm worried about the future, in a totally vague way. The consulting business is in reality going great, I have clients signing up, I have proposals out, I have continued opportunities to meet with companies. It is happening. But I have a coping mechanism of trying to make sure that I'm organized, meeting companies and getting work. Not a bad coping mechanism, in reality. I love the consulting projects that have come my way so far. Definitely brain food. It is using what I know, but making me stretch and giving me the opportunity to learn new things.

The toy business is slowly creeping along, but I will have product in a few short weeks (like 6-8). But I don't know what I'm doing. I know finance, I know I'm not spending a ton of money. But marketing, retailing, creating a "presence" for the product (on the cheap) is all new. Something fun and new is exciting, but it is frustratingly on the back burner as I move the consulting business forward.

The boys are awesome. I learn from them, from interacting with them, more about myself daily. It is unbelievable that I still have so much to learn about myself. How did I make it this far knowing so little? The job change is giving me much more time with the boys, which is likely spurring my coping mechanism of trying to secure work, spurring my personal development, giving me back day dreams of creating a future which I lost some time ago. Again, not a bad thing. But it is weird not really having time "off". I'm always on looking for work, thinking about who to call, ways to pitch, the future. It is new, it is unfamiliar. It is terrifyingly-exciting.

home again, home again, remind me why I missed it?I

I guess I was missed, because they all had shit ready to throw at me when I walked in the door.

I arrived about 1:30 am Friday night (Saturday morning) and before 8 am Saturday morning the boys were in our room. First thing in the morning, DS2 was looking at me but refused to let me touch him. Eventually he gave in to a major tantrum, that ended with me needing to hold him for the next couple hours. DH decided he is freaked out about our spending and in my opinion, poorly choose to bring up the topic just after 90 minutes of me being home and awake. Did he really think it wasn't on my mind. Did he not notice I just spent a week on the West Coast trying to start up my business. And this comes from a man who doesn't balance his check book (I'm not sure he has one, and doesn't run our bills). DS1 wanted me to take him to swim class, but I really needed to stay with DS2, so that lead to a beautiful pout for a while.

So today I spent the day cleaning the kitchen where I found four pieces of bread that were so thick with mold they looked like half a loaf. DH said, "just didn't notice". Had the wonderful opportunity to wipe DS1's butt after a couple poopies. Cleaned up the boys room, including putting away dirty clothes, and clean clothes. Decided I wanted to take back a closet, so I assembled and then took photos of our crib/bassinet, our first stroller that is beat to hell but still taking it and a play yard, so DH can list on EBay. Normally I would take them to a shelter or other charity. Right now a buck counts: that sucks.

The week away was good for my consulting business. It gave my DH a scare into what things cost and our spend. But I did miss the boys and prefer to work from the city. I feel like the house is generally in order. I'm sure DH will appreciate how I'm tying to bring in work and will bring in work shortly. But there were moments today when I was ready to run away. I'm sure tomorrow will be better. I have passion for life, I'm excited about the consulting and the progress I see in DS2. Things will get better I'm sure. If all else fails at least my period will pass and my hormones will stabilize for a week or two. So I'm hoping tomorrow is a great day back at home.

Back from the Dead

Catching the flu, spending days in bed, is not good for ones marriage when there are little ones in the house.

So I've been out of it! I thought my head was going to explode. Pressure beyond belief. No major snot storms, like the boys which I would enter into any major Monster Truck Rally type snot blowing contest with great confidence of first and second place being ours. But amazing fatigue. Day 2 my DH decided I must be faking it or something, because he quite being nice. Of, course by this point I had decided I'd rather die than remain married to him.

But thank goodness for out of town guest. Nothing you can do but deal with them. So DH brother and family show up. His brother is a doctor. So the conversation kind of goes like this, ding-dong, I open the door, he says, "You look like hell, your sinuses are totally swollen". Gee thanks, I return to be bed but at least now DH knows I'm not faking it.

Anyway, I'm on the mend. Going out for a martini and adult-only meal; fortunately with two adults in addition to DH so I have someone to talk to. I will forgive DH by the end of the week. I will update you on the happy-go luck boys, who remain in the season of snot (Sept-May) with amazing skill and shooting ability tomorrow.

And the boys are glad I'm back to an upright position and have asked to go sit in Santa's lap. So yeah, hopefully up to 80% tomorrow so we can brave Macy's!

A window to the past

This weekend we got together with another family who adopted a child from the same orphanage as DS2, just 2 months before we picked up DS2.

First how we met; there are Yahoo chat groups dedicated to the various orphanages in China. The week before joining the group I had received updated photos of DS2 from another mom who was picking up a child. In these photos, my DS2 was with a friend. After joining my specific group, I noticed that the other family had posted that they were about to leave for China, and had a blog, so I checked it out. When I clicked on the other family's blog, it was my guy's friend! I immediately emailed the photos. They also had photos of my son at the orphanage with their daughter, too cool!

Well, this weekend, just a couple day before our 3 month anniversary of being a family of four, we were able to hook up with the other family! See photos above.

It was a great but strange meeting. Strange in how do I suddenly say hello to another mom that gets it! and has helped me so much along the way, with whom I share an intimate understanding of something we both are experiencing separately. I really needed the opportunity to touch base on all sorts of things, but really I hope this is only the beginning as there is so much to share. Additionally the other mom has older kids and more "mom" experience than me, and yeah, I'll take all the pointers I can get!

Enough on the adults, the kids were funny. They clearly knew each other, but they were cautious. What does this mean? Why are we here? What is going on? Also my brother and a couple of his kids were there aw well as my parents neighbors, so DS2 was already a bit out of his element and clingy. Frankly, he is just clingier anytime we are not in our usual routine. But I could feel his body change in my arms when he saw her. There was interest, but there was fear.

By the time all were feed and had an opportunity to run around, the kids were friendly, giving hugs and such. I think next time they'll be less timid.

That night, DS2 had nightmares all night. Crying out every hour to 45 minutes without fully waking up. DH took the brunt of this, sleeping in the boys room. I think there was just a few emotions that need to be worked out. The second night, DS2 slept through the night no problem.

When I face the complexity of our lives, and all the feelings that go along with it, I'm overwhelmed by just how much there is to consider and how little is known of what is the best approach, and the uncertainty of my feelings on a variety of subjects. I want to do what is best for the kids, for DH, for me, but I don't know what that is. Yeah, baths before bed time, that is an easy decision. However, reminding DS2 of his early start, just seems to upset him - I forgot to mention he hated seeing the photo of the orphanage. But there is progress. I love him, he loves me, and DS1 and DH are in the mix as well. Big progress in that DS2 is now going to bed at the same time as DS1 and in the same room, without crying. Well, most of the time! I guess I just keep reminding myself it is just coming up to 3 months.

Too many theories

Pavlov Dogs - ring a bell, feed them, repeat like 50 times, then ring a bell and they will drool with or without food.

Dogs/shock - sound buzzer, give the dogs and electric shock, dogs jump over wall to other side of pen, after the first time, sound buzzer, the dogs jump.

I didn't do these experiments, I just remember reading about them.

_______________________________________

The boys were pathetic this weekend. It was beautiful and sunny, so we spent a lot of time in the park, bike rides, and the zoo. Yet, my emotional little souls were whiney and clingy all weekend. During one beautiful meal, on the side cafe of a totally casual resturant, DS1 spit water out a straw at me, and DS2 kept crying to be feed, but then also chose to spit his food out, again, and again, and again.   So me shouting, me giving time outs, even had DS1 sitting on a milk create outside the cafe at one point. 

By Sunday late afternoon, instead of the usual 20-30 minute bath at 7 pm, I put the boys in the tub at 6, told DH to make me a martini, and like DS1 said when I finally told them to get out of the tub... after a long time, "our toes look like raisins".  In my defense, I did get a few things done while they were in the tub.  The both got hair cuts, a draining of the tub to wash the hair out and a refill, as well as brushing their teeth.  And kept adding warm water to the tub. But I also finished my martini.  Today, as I write this, I wonder if I should drink and cut their hair at the same time? Yesterday, I didn't care.

But here's the question, I'm big into positive reinforcement. We do lots of high fives, chats about what a good boy(s) they have been, etc.   But I'm still forced to the warnings, time outs and tears (by them) over their melodramatic, oscar worthy behaviour when I tell them "no" or ask them to modify behaviour; as in "no, I'm not going to buy you a six foot tall stuffed polar bear", "please keep your pant on", "no biting", "honey please don't lick the display case", "please keep your feet in the stroller", "no feet on the table", "please don't do head stands on the concrete" - these are all actual things I said this weekend.   The book and parenting magazine experts all say that positive reinforcemnt is more effective than negative consequenses. I'm not totally sure.

Highs and Lows

Almost everyday I'm amazed at the challenges that parenting throws at me, the struggle between work and home balance, and how so not alone I am in all these struggles.

Today, I traveled to New Jersey for a conference, learned a ton, partially boring, but a totally worthy trip. But it meant I was 90 minutes late coming home to the boys. Also during the day today, DS1's school sent out the email of a new adoption network for the school that I am moderating. I got home to hear that DS1 had kicked the sitter, had not apologized and was not speaking to DH. After calming down DS1, finding out what occurred, getting him to promise to apologize to the sitter tomorrow morning, getting him to tell DH he would apologize, and getting DH to tell DS1 he still loves him. Then getting the boys to bed, when both emotionally charged. DS2 started tonight in the bed with DS1, but after a while decided he'd rather scream it out until mommie returns, which is not fair to DS1, so DS2 gets moved to my room and I pull my hair out. Then I was greeted by checking my new adoption network to see that in the first day of the announcement it received 8 families wishing to join!

It is not always easy to air one's insecurities/struggles, I don't like admitting I'm not perfect, but it is so good to know when I do out myself, there are people who understand. Not everyone understand, but that is why we find one another.

Also a follow up on the last post about the adoption book. I'm reading a new adoption parenting book, yes another! I'll write more specifically about the book tomorrow and the boys' reactions to the techniques offered, but it offered a great solution; make one sheet with only 3 photos. Make 10 copies of it, so you can loose some, let the kid act out emotion and rip, hide, eat or whatever with a couple copies, but make sure I still have a page available to start the story telling. The three photos are one of the child at the orphanage before we came into his life, one from the transition, one of him at home now. The idea is to tell the adoption story from his view, i.e., this was your orphanage, then one day we appeared and there was a big change as we brought you to your new home, with us, where we are all now a family. It suggest that as you get comfortable telling the simple story, then start adding details. Or as the child starts asking questions, add the details.

For the most part, I think I can handle this one. I have photos of him in the orphanage, photos of the orphanage itself. I am lacking photos of the hand off. DH took video, but the video was erased in transit by the x-ray machines, which breaks my heart for him, but the images are etched in my mind forever, so its not a huge personal loss (so prospective parents be sure to use non-magnetic tape). I think I'll do a photo from when we are in the van on the way to the consulate, or one from at the consulate. And I have tons of photos of us at home to chose from.

As I think about it, I will start with 3 photos, as I can pull that together in a day, but I think I'll work to add more photos including the early referral photos before surgery, so they don't surprise him as he gets older. I will add more photos from the moms that have children that were at the same orphanage of our kids together at the orphanage. Finally, when he's talking more, I'll ask him what he wants to add to the book. Thank you for your comments/perspective.

Judging the Mommie

When you have a biological child, you are judged by others as to how good of a parent you are, but it is done discretely, mostly out of earshot. People tend to keep their opinions to themselves, except for family, and
you don't have much of a say in the process. When you adopt, you are judged by numerous people, that actually have the power to say, "No, you do not get a child", and the process is actually in your face. I find this intimidating.

My hats off to those who have adopted without having the biological experience first, as the judging of mommie is humbling, intimidating and oddly embarrassing, I'm thankful that I have the ability to sit back, look at DS1 and think, "I haven't done a horrendous job, he's ok; well, so far." Let me start at the beginning.

First off, to adopt, you have to qualify to minimum standards of marriage length, age, income and cleanliness for the agency to even consider working with you. Then the governments start, both theirs and ours. There are lengthy legal checks (list every address you have resided in since 1970!), financial checks (including letters from your employer about your employability which they are so happy to give you in this environment, let alone being willing to ask them for the letter), health checks (yes, they asked I be tested for gonorrhea, who knew that was still around? but also they think my life might be more exciting than it really is), with each item including a set of finger prints ($$), that are notarized ($$), as well as application fees ($$) and copy fees ($$). These documents must be certified locally ($), then regionally ($$) and even nationally ($$$).

But the lynch pin of this process is the social worker; the person who works with you to understand why you are adopting (as if you didn't know), what kind of parent you expect to be (obviously, the best on the planet) and represent to both government(s) that you are worthy of adopting. What do you do if you don't click with the almighty social worker? I'll tell you, I fake it. Our social worker is really nice and professional. But she's 30, single, beautiful, and childless. She comes from wealth or sophistication, which you can only tell when you do not, i.e., me. I don't click with her; I really think it is impossible for to truly understand the strains of having children, to judge those that do. She doesn't have children. Is that an unfair statement, not understanding the strains of having children until you have some, no but I think it is true. I didn't get "parenthood" until I was in the thick of it. Frankly, I don't understand the strains of being 30, single, and childless in 2008, its just not my reality.

So the social worker comes into your house after meeting with you several times, to check out how you live, the space you'll provide for the child, and finally to decide if they will recommend to the other parties that you are worthy. This is a lot of authority. But also, I think it is good for DS1 to know in retrospect that yes, we qualify! For DS2 , down the road, he may really wonder what the standard was.

Today our social worker visited for the "post placement" visit. This is one of several to come. I was my usual blunt self, but still being polite. She just didn't get it that I was being honest.
Her, "How was it to meet you child"
me "Emotional, bizarre, like an arranged marriage"
Her, "But how was it those first few days"
me "Like taking care of the neighbor's kid"
Her "What is that like"
me "Have you not baby-sat? Really, like that."
Her, "But it is going well, there is a connection?"
me, "Its going extremely well, he's a good kid, we are connected, but that doesn't mean adjusting to a new routine for everyone in the household isn't' a healthy helping of hell."

After watching the boys jump on me, pull my hair, blow their noses on my body and hit one another, she was good to go. She reminded me that these visits are a requirement; like their going to take DS2 and run? I guess from her view it all looked normal. From my view there are extraordinary events occurring in my household and I'm amazed daily. That she's concerned about the problems and being normal makes me only want to emphasize this is not all that bad, and not all that normal to us.

I'm guessing as much as I dislike being judged, and may resent her a bit for being in the role, I bet she doesn't like having to say anything bad and is really looking for the angle to make me look good to the others in the process. None the less, the stress I place on myself to be a "good" mom, kind patient, fun, energetic, all knowing, all loving, really is more than enough. To know that someone else is also judging me, not knowing their standards, or even their minimum criteria, and that they are putting it on paper and sharing it with others is a huge bucket of cold water on my head. On a hot day I'm good for it, on a cold day it really sucks.

2 months today

Today is two months since gotcha! Wow! What a different place I am emotionally, physically, spiritually in this journey.

Those first weeks were wild! I was ready to be the center of his world, I expected the cling. But I didn't understand that 24/7 cling is stifling for both you and the child. I expected the "under-sized" person to appear as the medical reports had prepared me. But, I had no idea how lack of muscle tone, let alone nutrition, could ravage such a tiny body.

Two months later, only two months, we are so much stronger! He walks/runs. He can easily get up when he falls. He can speak, and giggle in a way that melts your heart. He isn't profusely sweating all the time. He's not on my body all the time. He's over his cold and the virus causing the blisters. He's willing to brush his teeth while taking the nightly bath. His hair is soft, even if its still thin. He can push back, rather than just cry. He can say "mama", DS1's name, "bye bye" and "sausage". He can sign "all done" and "more" which gets him through a lot of situations. He responds to his new given name. He understands English, both the directive, like "go get that box", and the threat like, "do that again and I'm throwing it out".

But honestly, the first 14 days together in China did not prepare me for the hell that followed. When we came home, DH, DS1 and I, were returning to our comforts. We were throwing him completely out of his. Nothing remained the same, not the smells, the food, the air, the sounds, the language, nothing. Add in and mix jet lag for all involved, DH busy with work and me with two boys trying to figure it all out, and wow, life sucked! And I say this knowing that we had no major issues, all was actually going well. I took it out on DH, as he chose to work. I took it out on me, frankly, there is no reward in parenting, I'm just always disappointed that I don't do it better, do more, or finish every day with a sense of happiness. But within 14 days, this too was better. I found my stride, we all adjusted time wise, and DS2 decided any noodle would do.

At two months, I have greater freedom; babysitter is now involved as well as DH, I joined a gym. I think DH is struggling to bond. Not that this is unusual at all, frankly I think its not. Look at this way, for the first month he was tolerated, or rejected, by DS2 who preferred mommie. Now he has the boys in the mornings and is getting more involved with the basic care, which is not glamorous or sexy. In fact, when you are used to being Mr. Fun, it must really sucks. But I know, like me in another 4 weeks, he too will be in a different place.

And DS1 and DS2, they amaze me. They humble me. Like I said I can't do enough or be good enough for them. However, I'm what they have, and they accept me. Its those teenage years I dread. But we are finding our grove. I try some old tricks - DS2 now sits in the high chair in the kitchen while DS1 and I bake for preschool, with a drawer open, figuring out what all the tools are for. But we've also found new tricks, standing diaper changes and noodles with butter and peanut butter in an emergency.

Being an Adoptive mom is different than a biological mom, but I think these differences will subside. The real biggie which humbles me is that I feel like I owe another woman, somewhere on this planet, That I will never meet, that I do my best with her/my child. We share him. He is no longer hers, but he is not only mine. I think at some point I will believe him to be more "mine". Anyway, she did her best, which is horrible to have to consider, and now he is with me. The orphanage/Chinese government, well, they got him to me still alive; so I owe them a thanks, but here I do ponder how much thanks. Did I tell you on gotcha day he was wearing new clothes. Clearly someone else's donation which still had the stickers in it. Why didn't the orphanage let him were that daily, instead of all the photos I have of him in dresses? Also, they gave him to me with a viral infection that they couldn't figure out how to treat - random appearing blisters is not normal virus stuff.

I also don't know his full history and never will. This I'm letting go of daily and focusing on today and tomorrow. Somehow it has to occur, to make him mine. But at the same time, I won't forget the woman I'll never know who made this possible. I know her a bit, he smells like her. I hate to admit this, but DS2 doesn't smell like me and DS1. At first it freaked me out. I though when he started using our products it would change, but no. If this is the only thing that an adoptive mom doesn't get via adoption vs. birth, its not a bit item. However, I now view it as my link to her; he smells like her.

Well, I'm getting way too emotional; frankly I'm at work, so I'll end this here! Ode to 2 months, and I can't wait to see where we are in a few more months.

The sleep chronicles

Don't the boys look great in their beds! I LOVE it. But the process of getting them there is a huge struggle!

I made a mistake, on the sleeping front, very early after receiving DS2 . His entire first two years were in an orphanage, where I know he slept in a crib by himself for at least the last few months. Yet, when he came to us he was unable to put himself to sleep at night. While in China (the first two weeks), I put him in the chest carrier and walked with him until he fell asleep at night, about 20-30 minutes. When we came home, and for the first week, he went to bed with me, and once he was asleep, he moved to his bed. Then we had a week of vacation, there I would lay with him on the spare bed until he fell asleep. Both of these weeks the routine was bottle, then sleep. Then I started to get suspicious that as I was decreasing the size of the hole in the bottle - it was huge in China - that he was getting gassy, so I added burping to the mix.

I also knew from experience with DS1, that DS2 really needs to be falling asleep alone, but I fell victim to the routine myself. I was so tired, I really didn't mind lying down with him at 8 p.m. each night. Well, I realize with preschool starting for DS1 and return to work for me, the 8 p.m. nap for me was going to have to end. And he really needs to learn to fall asleep on his own.

I tried sneaking out as he was drifting off, he just cried. I tried rubbing his back/belly to get him to sleep, but that also didn't work. I'm not proud, but on the night my husband was out, I just put DS2 on our bed, turned down the lights and left the room, closing the door behind me. He cried for 15-20 minutes, but went to sleep on the bed. The next day I watched Supper Nanny and she emphasized routine and consistency. While supper Nanny is all about picking up the kid and returning to the bed, this doesn't work after about 30 tries, he just gets hyper-hysterical and moves to full tantrum with the constant rejection.

Then we had a pediatric visit and the doctor emphasized that he needs to fall asleep on his own. So here's the gut wrenching chronicle, but I'm still in the trenches here, hoping the end is in 2008. However I recognize two issues; (1) if I move him between beds he tends to wake up, as he seems to sense me more than DH, and (2) he doesn't understand repeated returns to bed he just clings to me and screams/bites.

My goal, lay him down, in his own bed, with him knowing I'm going to leave and no screams or tantrums, just going to sleep. This is not unrealistic, DS1 has hit this stage well over a year ago.

I started the process in our bed, I didn't think DS1 should be subjected to the ensuing activity. I tried a routine of bath, bottle, burp, go to room, close bathroom door (yes one night I found him on the floor in the bathroom), turn on night light, tell him it was sleepy time, lay him on bed, leave. If I leave the door open, he runs out. So I closed it. Yes, I let him cry it out, but generally he was sleeping within 15 minutes.

However, I don't think one should cry themselves to sleep. So after a two weeks, with him knowing the routine well, I changed the routine, in that I would try to sit by the bed, or on the floor. He stopped the crying, but I was back in the room for the duration. However I was satisfied in the slight success of not having to hold him, he was comforting himself more. Slowly I moved to the further outreaches of the room. However, if he happened to hear me leave the room, although I was trying to go when he was asleep, then we had full hysterics. DH thought this process was crazy.

Last night I decided to move him to his bed, with DS1, and give it a go. DH thought I was insane. Bath, snack, bed. I have bags under my eyes today!! First, DS1 was great as a model of staying lying down, and would tell him when I tried the out of room style to lay back down. Also DS2 would sit up and check on DS1, to make sure nothing was changing. I tried singing them a song, like I typically do for DS1, but DS2 took this as an invitation to play. Then I tried leaving them in there together, no go, DS2 ran out immediately. Then I tried sitting and calming him down, then moving out slowly; he came running out every time (I mean well over 20 times). Then I calmed him down. Laid him in the bed and went and sat in the rocking chair, where he watched me, until he was asleep (DS1 fell asleep in 10 minutes). I have bags under my eyes today!

DH told me I'm crazy, but not in those words. I think he's content with the leaving behind the closed the door, let him cry it out method. But I'm just not confident that is good for the psyche later in life. But I did have success last night, the boys slept in their own room, without me holding them! It only took an hour! So I'll stick with this plan for awhile. DS1 is thrilled to have DS2 sleeping with him. In the mornings they often emerge from the room together, or I'll go in and they are awake sitting together playing. It's just the getting to sleep that is painful.

Is it sleep issues or adoption issues? I don't know. We went through similar separation at night issues with DS1, but after picking him up and putting him back in bed 5-6 times, he typically didn't come running out any more. DS2 has greater stamina for the run. I'll have to increase my stamina or I'll be in the rocking chair for months to come. Always open to suggestions.

On a major positive note, generally both boys sleep through the night. Once they are down, they are down, so that is a huge blessing! they typically only wake if there is a really loud storm or the room gets unbearably hot/cold (this doesn't happen often).

Working mom Complex

Photo note: DS2 is trying to eat fruit with both chop sticks in one hand, obviously someone taught him before he joined us. DS1 is trying a less proven approach. Conflict, as in working-mommie.

As I come back from the weekend with a reminder of what it is like to be bitten by a toddler, I wonder, is there any way to really do it all? Additionally, its a very interesting week at work. But let me explain the dilemma.

Being with the boys is awesome. I spend my time with them, focused on them. There are no errands to run, no work to do, no house cleaning, because I work and squeeze the errands into my daily commute and because I have a decent job I can afford a once-weekly house cleaner. The time with the boys is all time with the boys. This I love. It is trying on the weekend, but I can do it because I know it is not forever, but glimpses of time to savor.

If I was home full time, I think they would not receive as much of my attention, or it would be stressful, as I would also be calculating how to get the house and errands done. The sitter during the day is also all about the boys; that is her job. She doesn't have clean or run errands, but she is awesome about filling their day with activities that are age appropriate and stimulating. Again, I would not be able to do that all day. I need adult time and the opportunity to flex some of my analytical/financial brain muscles. Even when I'm on holiday, work related ideas do creep in, I just know better than to share them with anyone.

On being at work, I like my job. I get paid to think about companies/industry/problems and how to make them all better. I learn everyday. My focus is the pharmaceutical industry. There is new science/discoveries every day. But guess what, I work on Wall Street, literally as in our address, and figuratively as in "those people". This week we saw the bankruptcy filing of a major firm, the selling of another to avoid a similar demise, and the folding of a major financial/insurance firm. I have no doubt another large impressive firm or two will fold by the end of the year. This makes for an interesting work environment as we all worry about our jobs, and our friends, and our friends jobs. Yet, fundamentally, while I think the market is broken, I like many aspects of my job. I want to keep my job as it is the majority of the family income.

The dilemma, I work for my family, I work for me. I want to be at preschool everyday, I want to go to every doctor visit, I want to work overtime on cool projects; I want it ALL. I totally hate to say this, but its just not possible. Five years ago, before having children I realized there was no having it all. It really pissed me off.

Today, I realize there is no having it "all", but I actually do have it all. I'm not perfect, I'm not excelling in any of my roles, but I have it all; mommie life, wife life, work life, tiny bit of me time (mostly on the subway). But having it all means there are bits and pieces of it all in everyday with a inconsistent rotating balance that always feels slightly out of control to me. I'm not the person I want to be, I want to be a better mommie, wife, person, employee, but I'm more or less getting the job done. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, having it all but not being it all leaves me something to shoot for. Yeah, it still kind of pisses me off.

Change is good

Just a quick note tonight;today was rainy, but hot. Its the last Saturday before starting back at work, so lots of family time. We baked cookies for school, went out splashing in the rain, and played with all sorts of toys aorund the house. It's interesting though, everyone has become accoustomed to mommie doing it all. Little things throughout the day made this clear. DH was talking on the phone and watching DS1 play with my nice tea set from China. It just didn't click that this was (1) a nice item, (2) breakable and (3) just not a good idea. Then after dinner, DH was being scoleded by a very angry almost four year old, DS1, that he was not drying his toes "properly". DS2 came running out of the bathroom naked the first time, and the second he had his pajamas on backwards! The adjustments will be fun, but good for all of us!

Looking for gray hair

So I found myself looking in the mirror, actually searching for gray hair. Yes, I turned 40 this year, the photo is from the day earlier this year.

But on being 40... I'm not really sure I planned on having anything accomplished by the time I turned 40. I thought I would be a mom with a couple kids. I didn't plan on having a demanding career, but I thought I would pursue what interested me, which means I was naive to think I'd end up in a career that wasn't demanding. Now that I'm balancing work with kids, I totally feel like neither the job or kids get the time they need. enough mommie angst, on turning 40... I did expect to have gray hair, I'm sure my mom had gray hair by 40, that I'm shocked that after maybe 20 years of dying my hair -every shade of red, blue, orange, black and even peroxide blonde, that I now find myself feeling old, and no gray. I feel cheated.

Prior to the adoption, I would have said I don't feel old, I feel young for the first time in my life. OF course, I don't have gray. But right now, at this moment, I feel old. I'm not in synch with a set schedule, my meals are off, and I'm not regularly exercising. sleep is irregular. My knees ache when I get up from the floor. I need more light to read and my patience is thinner than it used to be. I want to say I'm "young at heart" but right now I feel too old to have two toddlers.

So what's up, the change; DS1 has decided he doesn't want to participate in anything and is sulky. That is anything other than a water activity. Its like suddenly I have a teenager. This is all starting right before preschool, which makes me wonder what type of explosion am I in for as he does start school. Will he decide two days into that he doesn't want to go anymore?

DS2 has decided he doesn't want to go to sleep by himself. It doesn't matter how long I hold him, rock him, sing, he wants to be held, only by me and only in an upright position. So when I lay him down he screams. I have to let him cry himself to sleep. This now means 15-20 minutes of crying out before calpasing in sleep. My concern, what am I doing to the "attachment" ? Am I destroying in the couple weeks before I leave for work?

DH, well, he's DH he has time to exercise and see friends. He means well and maybe I'm too tired, frustrated, confused at the moment to appreciate what he brings to the table. Also he's the fun guy with the kids, and I hate that he gets that role.

So yes, I'm feeling 40. I realize I need to control my weight and start exercising, and most importantly find a way to have fun, otherwise 41 might start feeling like 50! I need to laugh a lot more! I won't mind looking 50 if it comes with laugh lines and not worry wrinkles. My conclusion, I totally need to find ways to laugh more, the general life angst is too much at the moment. Yet, it is my fault, I wanted to expand the family.

To not knowing the date

I'm pretty sure I know what time it is, well generally there is light or there is not. If its getting dark, put the kids to bed. If my eyes are open and its light, there is something we should be doing!

Today's photos is actually still from Block Island, but I thought it was appropriate for the random thoughts I have to share today. It was shot by me, holding the camera on my shoulder pointing down at ds2 as he looks out at the world from the safety of my snuggle sack. I think he looks pensive, alert and slightly terrified; which I view all as positive, frankly he's engaged and curious.

So to random thoughts -

"have to share" - could be interpreted as thoughts I want to share with you today. However, the reality is these are thoughts I "have" to get out of my head and on paper so I no longer have to think about them. The blog has become amazingly therapeutic to me. I always have teased my husband that I need a wife, but it turns out I just needed to take up writing and the occasional supportive comments of friends or at a minimum fellow survivors.

Mommie time vs. me time vs. husband time - all three have become precious commodities. There is love, which grows, but with time, it is constant; there is no way to create more of it. Mommie time includes having breakfast with ds2, a new routine after I give ds1 to sitter. Dh kind of wanted to join us today, and frankly I discouraged him, I like this short window with ds2 I actually view it as me time more than mommie time; I have tea and toast, he has scrambled eggs, sausage and a banana along with an occasional french fries (yes I am trying to fatten him up!!). Then therapeutic mommie time as I take ds2 to some stimulating environment where I can also commiserate with fellow souls in the trenches. Yesterday, the Barnes & Noble children's section where I met two very nice Japanese women who asked if he was Japanese then left me alone, and a group of Irish nannies that I quiet enjoyed hanging with. Today we were at the Children's museum on 83rd street. I figured they have a baby play area where I was going to teach him how to crawl. Well, people thought I was crazy and I only got stuck in one tunnel, but we had fun. Also we ran into three Chinese grandmas taking care of grandchildren who were very friendly with me. Their charges played with me and mine with theirs. They all spoke Mandarin. DS2 clearly understood what they were saying; clapped to their song, and giggled. But wanted to stay with me, not them (HA!!). For lunch mommie of two time, with both boys and the sitter. Yesterday we ate by the Hudson River, gorgeous, but had to fight off pigeons that kept going for the chips we dropped. Yes, I know its a catch 22, you drop chips and the pigeons come, but the kids couldn't help themselves. Today to Ollie's, chinese restaurant. I think the sitter is getting a kick out of eating out and more importantly having an adult to talk to. Then me time in the afternoons. Yesterday this included unpacking and writing. Today it includes laundry and writing, but I will get some real "work" work done today as well. Then family time, with dinner, dh, baths and bed. Honestly, today is only day two of the routine, but I like it. Limited "me time", daddy only gets worn out mommie at the end of the day, and kids dominate. However, this is temporary, I think I can enjoy it for a couple weeks, but I'm a working soul and just a slight bit anxious to get back to work in a couple weeks.

Hating/Loving everyone who DS2 smiles at - Its an amazingly insecure phenomena, but when you still don't 100% feel like the child is yours, whenever anyone gets a smile from your child, I worry that maybe he loves them more than me (I'm generalizing that everyone feels the same way I do, which may not be true, maybe I'm more insecure than most, but I'm going to venture a guess not). Maybe he is wondering why he didn't get them instead of me. However, I'm secure that he's figured out I'm mommie and has chosen to throw his lot in with ours. I also think the sitter will be very good for him. Just like ds1, with ds2, when I'm around, they want to be with me and doing things with me. But they need to learn independence and confidence by doing things without me there. They both need the sitter time! And I think ds2 loves ds1 even if he gets jealous.

Ok, All for now. I feel purged.

Happy Birthday - the joy of two

Last week was ds2's Birthday. We celebrated with cake, candles, song and love. He enjoyed the cake, candles, song, friends and family, but wasn't sure about the whole blowing the candles out. Luckily there was help on hand. Yes, the last photo, of the four of us, is staged. I admit it, after ds1's first birthday without any photos of me, I have learned to stage a photo and hand the camera to anyone who can point, so that I too can be included in the memory books!

So, ode to two. Being two is interesting. Dr. Spock, which is my favorite child development reading, notes that two is an age of trepidation - striving for independence, but needing more loving support than ever. A time when the body again begins to grow and language can explode. I look at ds2 and wonder what the year holds. I hope and pray the body grows and language explodes. I already feel the quest for independence, but the desire to belong is still very immense. I know from ds1 that temper tantrums are about to become fashionable. But there is so much I still don't know. Why is he afraid of birds? Why will he not leave a room unless I tell him its ok? What in the world is he crying for now?

Also the number two makes me think of duality; and I think I, if not my family, are in the thick of living dualities. Oh, how I love you all and hate you all at the same time! How can one pull your heart strings but still be a complete pain in the ass? How can we find room to have fun in the quagmire of our despise. Sounds bad, yep even to me as I write it, but its honest. Every day since ds2 has come into our lives I have wondered, why did I ever wanted children? Why did I ever marry? Is it too late to run away and run a breakfast/coffee shop in Australia? But everyday I also see why I've been married 10 years, and have moments of joy with the kids and even see glimpses of fun we'll have down the road when they are both more physically and emotionally ready to gallop around the world (not that I haven't forced us all into that already!).

On Two - or the second child. I've thought a lot on this the last week, I think all the difficulties we are having as a family are really the realities of adding a second child, either adopted or biologically, to an established trio. It may be heightened by having added an already mobile toddler who doesn't speak the same language, but its really not adoption issues, just new child issues. When the first child was born, we had a bit more help on hand. I was on maternity leave at a firm I trusted. DH took time off work. We had a baby nurse the first two weeks during the day so I could sleep, and then our daily sitter started at about 6 weeks. This time around, I should have planned better. I am off work for three more weeks, but I'm not confident that my job won't screw me (this is a biggie as my paycheck is our bread and butter), which means I do need to manage my team from afar and plug into office stuff daily. DH is working mostly. No baby nurse, but I do have the sitter for ds1 who is now starting to help with ds2. I may have waited a bit too long to enlist her help, but I wanted to make sure ds2 knew who was mommie before allowing help. I am so the "mommie" now, I do wish I got her involved sooner. But beyond help, when a new soul joins the family, everyone has to alter their table manners (cooking plans) to include the new taste and eating tempo. Toys have to be evaluated for safety and share-ability. I don't need to mention sleeping, but sleeping schedules go array, and even sleep locations get messy for a while (last night I had each of our sons in our bed alternately, until they all settled into thier own beds well after 2 am). Guess what, even the smells change; welcome back poopie diapers in the house and the addition of an altered diet.

I know from some friends who have been reading the blog (and I hope there are still a few readers after a week off) that I sound whinny and pathetic. I know at times my husband thinks I can't handle it. But I wanted to be honest, that all is not simple, clean and easy. However, I do want you all to know, that even though this whole adjustment window totally sucks, I think it would have happended no matter how we chose to expand our family, it is not soully adoption issues. Also, I still hope and believe, although it has yet to be proven that this adjustment period is a window, to which we will at some point see and end and feel stronger, more in synch with each other. It hasn't killed me, yet. I haven't killed anyone yet, although dh should be worried that he is the highest on the list. So.....we all must be getting stronger.

Hello from Block Island, Rhode Island

Well as if the family hasn't been through enough lately, yesterday we drove up to Block Island. With heavy traffic getting out of NYC and one food stop, we made it to the ferry in 4 hours - much better than we expected! The ferry over is about one hour. We have rented a house for a week.

While this sounds romantic and nice, frankly given all the travel lately its a bit stressful. I feel bad for DS2 as we just keep throwing new stuff at him at every turn. I feel bad for ds1 as he gets so upset when ds1 cries, although DS2 ia doing very well. DH thinks I'm having a break down because I'm exhausted from it all. But this is life.

Survival means letting the house be messy, the kids running a round with dirty faces and I get most of the unfun tasks. I'm hoping to find more fun as I realize I have had much to laugh about lately. Enough whining, I know its all adjustment and will stabilize in a couple months. However its just Like child birth, the first adjustment window kind of sucks.

8/3/08 - Emotional Bankrupcy

I've needed to write about this, but not been ready to until now. After days of taking care of a child you barely know who is clinging, whimpering and occasional all out crying, yet loving and fun, emotional bankruptcy rushes in when you least expect it. This is the point where you continue to take care of your family, but you are now on autopilot, not enjoying any task or the moment. It sucks. I can write about it now because I know it is a transient feeling. I couldn't write about it before, because I wasn't sure if it was transient and thought I might have made the biggest mistake of my life. But after a good night's sleep, some familiar food and the comfort of clean clothes from home, I know I can make it. However, others may want to comment on this for those who are about to adopt.

When you first get the child, it is exciting. Compassion and love pour from your soul. Then as you wear down, you start to wonder is it compassion or love that you are feeling? Then the trials of taking care of a new child who's personality you know nothing about starts to kicks in. This is work, it is not all fun. The realities of being away from home comforts, foods, sleep, and commanding your own schedule complicates it all. If any illness, or worries arise, just mix and stir all together. This now simmers while you take on the task of a child who may chose to start showing his own emotions about all the events, in his own way. Now add in dh and anyone else along for the ride. Then wham, you feel like you feel nothing for all the people you have previously cared most about. Its ugly. Its depression apathy at its best.

Dh and I communicate by percentages, he'll look at me and I'll say I'm at zero. This means there is no love to give, and he'll take over. Other times its 10%, sometimes I just say I'm fine. But the reality is I'm better at handling the "freak outs" of the crying, hitting, emotional throw ups, so I do. To do this its natural, to a certain extent, to have to shut down your emotions a bit to live through these moments. The trick is finding out how to get the emotions back up and running when the bad moment is over. This is a trick that I am still trying to figure out. Unfortunately it still takes a night's sleep and a hot shower for me to come back to being me.

In addition to feeling exhausted emotionally, then you start to feel guilty for not being a better parent to a kid who really needs one. This is downward spiral that is probably the hardest for me to deal with. Anyway, as I said, I can only write about it now because I think its a transient thing.

Logistics - the boys fell asleep on the couch about 2 pm yesterday (see photo), we woke them at 7 pm, kept them up till midnight, and you won't believe this but ds1 was up at 6:30am, and ds2 is still asleep at 7:30 am. Hopefully, this means we'll be switching back to NYC time by the end of the week. While I always look forward to vacation and family time, we have a house booked for Block Island next week. I'm not excited about uprooting the group again, but the adoption took so much longer than expected, the vacation is just falling at an inopportune time. Just another one of the worries that joins the spiral.

7/27/08 - The basics

Up and away, in the Ferris wheel.

These are little paddle boats that work by and cranks!!


Our troupe at the ferris wheel entrance.
In the Ferris wheel car - it was air conditioned! Not great, but way less than the outside air!
In the Ferris wheel.

For my mom, knowing how she loves the view from great heights!



I think I'll post in two parts tonight. This is the first with the basics.

Today we ventured out into oppressive heat, but determined to make it to a ferris wheel which we have been seeing out the window of the pool. It is huge, I'm guessing 40 stories tall. It never appears to be moving, but I figured there would be some sort of park there, even if we couldn't ride it. To our surprise, there was a cute little amusement park and the the ferris wheel was just moving so slowly you couldn't tell from the distance we'd been looking. It took 30-40 minutes to go all the way around (not sure on the time as DS2 has absconded with DH's watch; I'm sure its under the bed, but I 've decided if DH can't put things on the high shelf -like I've asked-, then its not my responsibility!). The photos show just how hazy it got today. We couldn't even see the ferris wheel from our hotel when we left. I think its a combination of pollution and heat, but today the air did stink whereas yesterday it did not.

This afternoon, we returned and hit the pool. DS1 was awesome, and now jumps into the pool from a standing position while holding the kick board. He only went under once, but I was right there. Even then he was actually treading water, head above water, but his eyes were huge! DS2 loved the pool today. Lots of giggles. He would hold my fingers and go all the way out to out stretched arms and back in to me in his little boat. Rather than clinging, he was splashing with his hands and kicking his feet. I think the infusion of protein is starting to show results.

After pool, we were in search of lunch at 2 pm, DS2 took an ugly turn. This time it wasn't really a temper tantrum, it felt more like an emotional throw up. We were in the lobby, so I took him upstairs. He screamed for 30 minutes at least (DH thinks it was 45, but I think 30). DH and DS1 stayed in the lobby as DS1 gets very concerned. He was hitting and pushing away from me with his hands and feet. I was afraid I would drop him, so I put him in his crib and stood beside it. He screamed and yelled, some tears, but kept one hand on my stomach. I could tell he wasn't ready to be placated, so I let him work it out, just standing there watching. Its really horrible, but it also seemed like something he needed to do. After about 20 minutes, I picked him up and sat on the couch. He kick, wiggled out of my arms, more whimpering than screaming now and then put his face into the couch. I was stroking his back, and he suddenly went limp. Scared me big time, but when I pulled him up, he was just sleeping. I let him sleep for about 10 minutes (maybe this is why DH thinks he was crying for 45 minutes vs. my 30 minute estimate). Of course, having two kids on this trip, there is no rest for anyone... I just picked him up, went to the lobby and put him in the stroller. He woke at this point, but said nothing. We went to lunch, hate to admit this, KFC, and he totally perked up over the french fries. He was happy and totally affectionate the rest of the day. Also found a children's shop beside KFC and got the little dude shorts! He has one pair of DS1's which fit - 6-12 months sized!

I really hope this doesn't happen on the airplane! If it was DS1, it would suck, but its ok. But with DS2 its weird, he's mine, but I don't know him that well. I think other people look at us differently when he cries. Ah, so be it.

Avoiding the heat late in the day, I took the boys to a play room on the fourth floor by myself. It is rather sparse, but it is an open space, with some air conditioning, and a ball pit. DS2 hated the ball pit by himself, but when I went in and let him sit in my lap as we threw balls and DS1, he thought that was fun. It is a pattern now - if its new, mommie has to be right there. If its known, like our hotel room, then mommie just has to be in view, but can be more than 2 feet away. Still not cool with anyone but me picking him up, but is willing to sit in Daddy's lap for a bottle.



On feeding - some good luck. I have switched his formula with no trouble a couple days ago and switched his bottle today. This are just little things to make my life easier. He is sucking more than biting the new bottle, which is the beginning of working those little, but all important, mouth muscles!



This evening we went to the Cantonese restaurant on the 2nd floor with the other NY couple traveling with us. They are very nice and have adopted a beautiful baby girl (not special needs). Everyone except ds1 ate well; which explains why I'm allowing the KFC trips. Their little girl is now teething. At one point she cried just a bit, and my boys were fixated. It is amazing the empathy that runs through/across these kids!



Tomorrow, we are visiting a tower. Don't know much about it, but it seems like all the sites have nice parks by them, so looking forward to it.

7/21/08 - Only hours to go!

Today was a rough day. Maybe it is the time change, maybe just general anxiety, but DH and I were not kind to one another. But, we made it through the day and are looking forward to tomorrow. I think DS1 understood something was up because he was very well behaved. DS1 and I are on China time, DH is struggling with the change.

On site seeing - we got around a bit today. DS1 attracts a crowd everywhere we go, but he was a bit nicer about it today. But he does run, appropriately so, when the grandmas try to touch him. We went to a grocery/department store just 5 minutes walk from the hotel. We loaded up on snacks, because DS1 and DH could not stop themselves. But big note to mommies coming this way - they have everything here! Huggies, wipes, soap, detergent, all types of bottles and sippy cups, formulas, all the U.S. brands, you name it, it was here. I brought tons of stuff from home, but really it all was here. But we also picked up soda, water and fruit. Our room is a small suite, one bedroom, living room, small eating area, kitchenette (fridge and sink) and a half bath. I opted for the suit due to having the two kids and not sure who would be sleeping when.

Also walked around the pavilion area. We found this shop with the most amazing embroidery I have ever seen. We bought one little piece today (for the boys' room), but we'll be back for another by the end of the trip. Also an unusual shop with patches and matches. Really amazing, highly decorated boxes of matches.

It is hot. Today reached over 100 degrees with at least 60% humidity. But, as I expected so I was kind of mentally prepared for it. Our agency guide keeps saying we'll need to make our room warmer so ds2 doesn't catch a cold.

So...Tomorrow. I'm not sure what to say. It will be a long day. I'm sure we'll be up by 7 am. The babies are to be here by 10:30 am, but at 10:20 we (us and one other couple) are to go to a central meeting room in the hotel. We will take our donation bag, the photos and notes that other mommies have sent, a small gift, our passports, and a fee for some paper work. We will meet our children, have a few minutes with the nannies, and start some of the paper work. We have been told we'll likely be back at our rooms around 11:15 am. We meet again at 2pm to start the official rounds of consulates and such that will occupy the next 3 hours, with kids in tow. Then the rest of the paper work moves forward via facilitators and we are free to bond, and sites see until Monday when we receive the passports/visas and head for Guangzhou.

I'm excited. I hope that we all pull through it together. I really don't know what to expect. I would prefer to have a day before doing the paperwork runs, but it just didn't work out that way. The other couple with us are adopting for the first time and this is their first child. At least we have each other to bounce around ideas. It will be interesting to go back to diapers, formula, and naps. It will be weird not to have personality history (i.e., likes and dislikes), but what I am most concerned about will be the complete lack of communication up front. The new guy will really be thrown in the deep end with us, and we won't know what he is trying to say. So, I will write again as soon as I can. Tomorrow/tonight we need your kindest thoughts and best wishes possible - after today, we really could use the boost!