Love without sight

Today I needed to pick up batteries and while I was at the store, which was not busy, the four cashiers were discussing another cashier (which I hope was on break) who had fallen "in love" via a pen pal relationship. They were trying to decide if it was actually possible to fall in love with someone you have never met face to face.

It was a fascinating debate, but they were confusing some issues. I think it is totally possible to fall in love with someone you have never met. In "olden days" courtship was often via the written word. And when you think about the adoption community, we bond and totally fall in love with a photos or an idea of a child.

The real issue is in my opinion, that the cashiers were trying to work out is - if can you fall in love with someone you haven't met, can you meet and still carve out a life together? Furthermore, I amazingly kept my mouth shut and didn't jump into the conversation.

Arranged marriages happen in many parts of the world, and even in NY (I've known a few). These are people that often only know the 'family' of but don't know the individual. How would out adoption 'adjustments' gone differently if our kids where articulate enough to tell us what they were thinking before they joined us via a pen pal relationship. Imagine their ability to tell us about their culture and what parts of it was important to them; to tell us what they aim for in life; to tell us what happened in their past from their point of view. Well, that just didn't happen.

But my Little Man is of such size I can pick him up and move him when needed. I can make him wear the close I choose. I take him where I think he should go. So comparing a romantic relationship to that of one we have with a child is not fair. But it did make me think if the couple could correspond honestly, then yes, I think they have a chance. I'm in an arranged marriage with this kid, without any 'family' knowledge, and yes, we make it work, sometimes - on an odd number Tuesday when I'm swinging a chicken by one leg in a circle around my head - flourish!

home again

The lavender of Provence.

I'm home. I didn't jump a plane to Africa or Asia, but headed back to NYC.

Last night I was trying to explain to the Big Boy that Paris is the capital of France, like NYC is the capital of.... guess what, it's not the capital of anything, when Big Boy suggested, "the capital of the world." Yes, it is. I'm home.

I had a fabulous trip. I missed the boys, and I didn't miss the boys. I didn't miss the chaos that I call starting a business, but it was on my mind the whole time. I improved my photography skills, and I lamented that I just don't spend enough time working the craft (photography that is) while I was still full time working the craft. Sounds schizophrenic as I write it and yes, that is the duplicity of my life at the moment. Really, it is all good, its just me trying to have it all which I know is crazy. I will find balance. I'll start posting a few photos.

I spent the weekend with the boys out in the park, riding bikes and just hanging. It was nice. But an amazing comment came our way, we were hanging with the 'doormans' hosing off the sidewalk, when our next door neighbor stopped to chat. We have four neighbors on our floor. One neighbor we are super friendly with and the boys run relatively freely between our house and his. One is a former Broadway singer, older, and we quite like her and chat regularly. One is a hermit and in eight years I've seen him once, actually last week and didn't realize who he was until he got off the elevator. The last is a single, widow, slightly older lady, whom I'll call Sarah, who is nice, but she puts a case of wine in the garbage once a week (I like a glass wine at the end of the day, but ouch). She usually rents to one person at a time, which the last couple years has been a really nice young gal somewhere around 30 years old. She is a former classical musician like my husband, with a couple harps in her house. She is nice, but we don't chat everyday. But totally friendly when we pass in the hallway. Beyond the people on our floor, we are very friendly with another six families, and friendly with another dozen or so.

Well, Sarah stopped to chat with me and said to my surprise, "I didn't realize until this week that the Little Man was yours. I just thought, 'wow those kids are good friends, he's over all the time.'" While this is hilarious, in two days the Little Man will have been part of our life for a year, it is also amazing that race does make a different. If he looked more like us, then maybe she would have thought she just missed the pregnancy. What also amazed me is that the comment comes at a time when I've started to forget to think of our family as multi-racial; we are just a family.

I laughed with her, smiled and said, "yep, he's part of our troupe now!" and the Big Boy proclaimed, "He's my brother." I guess the big struggles of integration are passed (keeping my fingers crossed): we are just family.

On the train, The Smile Train

I'm like Groucho Marx, I really am suspicious of any organization that wants me to join. This feeling of suspicion is further supported by the con artists pitching all sorts of "services" that I MUST have as a new business which I generally find unnecessary, expensive, and sometimes ridiculous. Now add on to this that I approached a few charities asking them if it was 'ok' that I tell the world that I'm going to give part of my toy company proceeds to them. You guessed it, even when I'm trying to give money away I received mixed reactions on being supported by a "farting elephant" let alone one called Norman PhartEphant.

Today, I went to visit the worldwide headquarters of The Smile Train in New York. They invited me. They gave me approval to use their name before I even launched, they heard I launched and actually wanted to hear about it. I got to tell you there is something great going on there.

They are a very small team (less than 50 total employees), run mostly on volunteer power and donations. The Smile Train not only provide surgeons to the world, they have those surgeons teach while they are on the road. Then The Smile Train provide the funding for the local clinic to continue the treatment and care of kids with cleft lip/palette.

Being in their offices was cool. They have amazing photographs of kids on the walls. The people are young and energetic. There really is nothing terribly elaborate about the place. I was there with Norman, Norman PhartEphant. They all wanted to squeeze his tail and share stories of what word they used for 'fart' when growing up; toot, puff, squiggles, barking spider, etc.

Interestingly, they do try to track kids that have gone through their system. Frankly, we are talking a lot of third world activity, many orphans, many assumed names. We searched for my Little Man but found nothing. It doesn't mean they didn't help him, just the information was not easy to find today. They do have a clinic in his home region.

After collecting a bit of literature on their operations I left. While eating a burger in mid-town, reading the literature, again I was struck by how tremendously crippling a cleft lip/palette is in many parts of the world. It is 'bad luck', it is 'ugly' and maybe worse of all, even for the families that love, care and keep their children, they may not have the skills to feed the baby or the money to ever correct the lip/palette surgically.

There are families around the globe that will walk for 3 weeks, sell all their possessions on the way to fund the trip and then beg for existence on arrive in hopes of finding a Smile Train sponsored clinic that will give their child a new life. Of course, there are those that choose to kill their child instead. One of the in between parental choices is abandonment; a message I interpret as "we love you too much to kill you, we hope someone helps you, but were going to leave it to the cosmos (or God, or karma) for the outcome". And considering the children that are killed, that are abandoned because the parents have no hope, is one of the many reasons why I want to support The Smile Train. The more kids they reach, the more the world understands that therapy is available, the fewer children marginalized. And that is a worthy effort, without even considering the lips, palette, children and lives in which they actually have the opportunity to help.

So, I am the kind of person that can sit in business attire in a mid-town burger joint and cry. Ok, sob. It is not bad tears, it is not good tears. It is tears of overwhelm; look what we can do if we try and overwhelm that too often we may be too busy to remember to try. So, I'm impassioned today! I will sell Normans for Smile Train! No organization is perfect, but I'm going to support their attempt.

I'm relieving myself of duty

I have struggled for months with the "Do I love him?" question. Yes, the adopted child, not the biological. Why? I don't know. Because it was arranged marriage? Because he liked to bite, pinch and kick me more than anyone else. Because he is the most stubborn person I've ever met aside from me? I want him to get his fair share of me, of life, of love. I have examined myself, my behavior first. And, I've decided its not productive.

I love both my boys, on days. On days, I may not love one of them, or both of them, or either either of them, or the husband (let's not forget that boy in my life!). Generally, I love them all. Not surprisingly I love them all when they are not present. But, I do love them a lot when they are present. The reality is I have two toddlers and the work load (feeding, wiping butts and noses, diapers, refereeing) is just heavy. My standards for myself are ridiculously high. I don't achieve.

When I started the adoption path, I was angry that the social worker asked me if I thought I could love an adopted child as much as my birth child. The answer was "yes" and I felt it shouldn't be questioned. I believed her status as childless and under 25, left unqualified to question my answer. But since then I've questioned it daily, do I love the Big Boy more than the Little Man. And do I "love" the Little Man?

Frankly, the questioning is not productive. I love him. I love the first child. I love the second child. I love the biological. I love the adopted. They are different. They require different activities, different guidance, different training, different treatment, and yes, it leads to different love. Not a lack of love, but something a little different.

Yesterday, I overheard a group of women telling one woman she was amazing for having adopted seven children out of the foster care system after having three biologically (is that a word?). I was part of the group, so it was slightly noticeable I did not chime in as others were commenting that "the kids were so lucky", "how this was such a noble thing to do". How do I contribute when I realize there was loss involved in finding new parents. When I realize 'new parents' will always leave a question in the child's mind about what happened to the original set? More importantly, I still realize that there is a constant level of care, of yes a "love", but also a variable level to "love".

The bottom line is, there is love. And there is no one I love daily, not even me, which is likely the source of the problem. But there is clearly no upside in pitting the love of one child against another for measurement. There is no way to measure a love for a child when the pressures of life are squeezing and circumstances are strained. I could love a child enough to give it a better opportunity than me. I could love the "idea" of a child enough to bring it into my life. I can love the child once it is in my life.

I am putting on the blinders to life, blinders to love, I am calling it love and I am no longer willing to examine this question.

The examination makes me feel bad when I'm not 'in love' with being a parent. It makes me feel bad when I can't do everything I "think" I should. It makes me feel bad that I am not meeting non-parent, non-adoptive parent "ideals". It sucks that I don't live up to my own expectations, let alone the great big bag of bullshit that we all bought about the act of parenting being honorable and rewarding, all the time.

Guess what, parenting is hard. I love my boys. Both of them and the hubby. And I declare myself relieve of the duty of continuing to monitor the "love".

Grandparents and Preschool

So today was Grandparent (or grand-friend) day at preschool. My Big boy has been so excited about this ever since I told him a month ago!

First, it was just Grandma coming due to many other obligations that grandpa had, which I totally understood. But then one afternoon the Big Boy decided we should call Grandma & Grandpa to talk to them and he told them about Grandparents' day - mind you totally unprompted by me - and you know it, both of them chose to come.

I was excited to have my parents come. Frankly, we never get so old that we don't want to gain support for our choices from our parents. I know they love the boys, but I also wanted to them to see why we chose the school we had, although I myself only went to public schools (which frankly I'm still a big fan of). The Little Man has been practicing saying "grandma" and "grandpa" for two weeks, and is in my opinion, intelligible on these.

Also, with the economy tight, and us on a budget (not really, just a budget of "let's not spend anything we don't have to"), with my folks coming I'm looking forward to having free babysitting. My husbands old bachelor pad was changed into his office, but still has a bed, so we are having two nights to ourselves over there!!! We are not abandoning my folks, we'll all have dinner together, I'll get the boys ready for bed, but I'm leaving the book reading to the old folks. And without a pricey dinner out, or even a movie, we get to go hang out together! Yeah, I still like my husband, he's fun.

I had a meeting out of the house this morning so I haven't had the opportunity to hear about the day. Right now I'm in the living room alone, the boys are in the park with the sitter, and my parents are sleeping on my bed. They have now been officially "napping" longer than they were in preschool! In their defense, they did get up early (7:30 am for retired folks I'm told is early); they did walk to school and back (10 blocks) while the Big Boy road his bike (which if you are not a New Yorker, the traffic is scary and becomes an alcohol-inducing event when traversing with a preschooler on a bike), and they took him out for a slice of pizza on the way back. Given my parents "nap" I'm guessing they all had fun! I hope the folks will be ready to get up for dinner.

Yoga gone bad

Yesterday for Earth Day, at my big boy's wonderfully progressive school, brought in a yoga instructor to join each class for a 30 minute session, with parents invited to participate. As you know now, I love preschool, so I was game for the activity (hey mom, I know you read this so tell me, I don't remember, did I ever go to preschool?).

The school correctly foresaw that the littlest of guys would likely have the shortest of attention span, so all the 3s classes (all 48 kids) went at one time to the gym together. It is amazing to see a group of kids, actually really well behaved and ready to learn, just sitting there like little sponges tittering with anticipation. The Yogi started by introducing yoga, asking the kids if they knew what it was. "exercise", "stretching", "spinning" they shouted. These are NYers! The yogi explained it is a discipline for calming and centering the soul which includes exercise, breathing and stretching. Then we were off to the moves/positions. She talked about a position and then the kids (and mommies; no daddies were there) did it. The kids were great stretching, crawling, standing on one leg.

Then the class took an ugly turn. The yogi decided to explain to a bunch of three or newly four year olds that they have a "third eye" between the two they already knew about. That this eye is invisible, but that we should open it to see into our souls, karma, to keep our mind and body in sync. As soon as the words were said, I though, "Ouch." Then we message our third eye, did a few child poses with our third eye touching the ground, ending lying flat on our backs relaxing with our eyes closed, but "trying to open our third eye".

Before we left the room, Big Boy wanted to know if he could see my third eye and can I open it? His friends that know me from visiting class gathered to hear my answers, which makes it a dedicate situation. "Honey, it is invisible, but I can show you some drawing of what it looks like at home". It is always good to have a Hindu art around!

We talked about it all evening, and when DH got home, he was surprised by the line of questioning. What surprised me was the language my son used to explain the eye; "it helps you see inside your body and maintain a healthy balance." Just not what I expected from a four year old. He also manged to teach his younger brother how to massage his third eye so his would open too. Scary how fast they grow up.

The ebb and flow of love

Sometimes it is just too hard to admit to where I am. Then I realize I need to admit it. I tell someone. And then very quickly my world changes.

I'd been thinking about writing on the flow of love for a couple weeks. It, the flow of feelings, is not consistent. When you think and examine your love for another human being, it scary to recognize that it ebbs and flows. There may be a base, or a belief that love is always there, but there are moments when you are heavily in love, not romantic love, and other moments where you need a flashlight to find the warm spots.

In the last few weeks I've had fewer comments about the littlest man in my life. Frankly, he was just riding a nerve for me and love, to be polite, was not immense. This was a significant disappointment to me. In just the weeks prior, I had been feeling immense love and deep conection with him. Then all of a sudden, out of the blue, with no sparking moment, the warmth dried up.

At a birthday party two weekends ago, I ran into an adoption mom, and she asked, "How's it going?" I hesitated, but then I honestly told her, "A few weeks ago I was on cloud nine after a not so great adjustment period. I thought the self-questioning was behind me. Now I'm rather down as I'm back to not feeling as great of love, back to questioning why we are together." Without a hesitation, without a blink, she responded, "Yeah, it goes that way. It will return."

What simple words, yet it freed me. COMPLETELY. I was worried that I'm the worst adoption mom on the planet. I love the kid, but it ebbs and flows. When it ebbs I worry that it is gone forever; our closest moments have passed. This is when I can't seem to bring myself to write about it. But then I find myself giggling with him again, the love/warmth just starts to perk up again. And I know, things are better; not that they were ever truly terrible, its just the stuff the mind wanders through. It is good to know there is no singular path to loving a child. It is good to know I'm not the only one who questions whether they love their child or not.

I often wonder what is an "adoption" issue vs. just a "mother/parenting" issue. Before we adopted I never questioned whether I loved my biological son. Frankly, I still very seldom do. With him there is just a bond, unbreakable, that whether I love him or not, he is mine and we move forward. Accordingly there has been no imputes to stop and think, "do I love him? Is he ok with me, or would he have been better off with another family?" However, when you add someone to your life by choice, i.e., marriage or adoption, I think I'm more prone to examine my choice in the matter, and frankly I regularly question is this a choice I should keep, or do I need to alter my perspective.

My husband is a beautiful, somewhat tolerant man, that makes me laugh. Is that enough? After 10 years you'd think I'd know by now. What I do know is that the love in our relationship ebbs and flows. It depends on what I'm going through, what he is going through, how we are handling it together or not. But we've thrown our lot in together and keep thinking forward on those lines, and we conquer. There is always love, its just where on the pendulum swing are we? I should learn from this first lesson and apply it to the adoption. I'm just realizing that now, nine months in.

With my beautiful little China man, there is love. And yes it ebbs and flows. Because I made a choice to seek him out, I think about how things would be without him. And what would life like look like for him without me. Depending where I am on the pendulum swing of love colors my view of these parallel fantasy lives that never happened and are never going to be uncovered. But he is mine, I am his. We are in this together and there is no breaking the bond. But it is different than the relationship I have with my biological son. It is not different love, just different circumstances.

I will thank that adoption mom at the next birthday party. Being willing to put my fears in words and share was hard. Having someone to tell was a God send. Her offering support and reality was grace.

Growth and Compasion

So DS1 is really growing, emotionally, developmentally. He is no longer biting, pulling my hair, or pinching me in anger. I'm not sure when the aggressiveness stopped, but it has. And I think its been a couple months.

The therapist (i.e., the early intervention folks) say that he is really into the routine and improving. I still see him fighting them a bit, but mostly he seems rather happy when they show up. He is saying more sounds, following instructions better, and most importantly not biting/hitting me. There are no "real" words. There are words I understand, and the therapist understand, but I'm not sure that there are new words that the a stranger would understand. Nonetheless, I'm encouraged.

On Fridays, siblings are invited to join DS1's preschool class for the last 20 minutes of class which is story time. DS2 has been going regularly. So yesterday, as I dropped off some stuff for the class - yes still cleaning closets and they just inherited about 20 dress hats, don't ask - I asked DS1's teacher what they would do if I signed up DS2 for preschool but he proved unruly and disruptive. She, the preschool teacher, was awesome.

She told me that she has noticed since the beginning of the year that he is a different kid. He used to come in and push the other kids over to run to the toys. Now he seems to be in a zone, more orderly, very good about getting a toy and sitting down to play with it. He puts things away when it is time to go. He hugs DS1 when he first sees him - this was particularly true after the ski trip. She thought she could go either way, we could wait or he could come this fall.

His therapist think he is ready for preschool in the Fall. They believe words will come when they do, but that words will eventually come. They think he is ready for the routine, the stimulation.

I have sent in the acceptance form and deposit for preschool. We will give it a go. If all else fails we can hold him back for a year in preschool. He is a petite guy. He is likely to be a petite man. Holding him back would not mean he would stand out as larger than the other kids. But also, it is not a decision I have to make now. It will be good to get him into class and see what really fits.

I see changes in how the boys interact. DS1 still asks me questions about what DS1 is doing even though we are both playing with him at the same time. I think it is his way of dealing with the lack of speech from DS2. But today I saw a new level of compassion.

We were all playing with Play Dough. It was time to clean up. We put everything away, but there was still stuff on the floor. I got out the vacuum and told the boys they would have to take turns. After DS2 had a turn, DS2 was pissed that he had to give it up to DS1. After DS1 was done, I finished off the job. DS2 decided to have a temper tantrum and start blowing snot. DS2 asked, "why is DS1 blowing snot?" "Because he doesn't want to share the vacuum." By this point DS2 had snot down to his chin. DS1 then went and got a tissue and wiped DS2's nose. They both know I don't blow his nose when he's pissed. I was shocked, impressed. There is love, compassion between them. Even when I lag behind.

P.S. I have been struggling with whether I should refer to the boys as DS1 and DS2 or by their names, but I just keep coming back to the idea that I don't want them to google their names some day and find the blog entries without the proper introduction. So hang in there it remains DS1 and DS2, my first born and my first adopted, respectively.

Love for All

Happy Day-After Valentines Day.

It is funny that my least favorite holiday followed after my favorite. For this year I actually planned ahead, I booked a ski house for a family week holiday at my husband's favorite activity. His eyes light up with talk of snow. His pulse quickens as he starts typing in site addresses to check on snow conditions. But, with work being what it is, I choose to stay behind with DS2. Not a very romantic.

DS1 is celebrating Valentine's Day for the very first time. Actually he already celebrated it, last Thursday. He was to bring in valentines to school by Thursday, and was not attending on Friday, due to the ski trip. So Wednesday evening, I hit five stores looking for simple kid Valentine's Day cards. I hadn't picked them up over the weekend due to my cold. However, on Wednesday night I couldn't find them anywhere.

So we made the necessary valentines. I enjoy arts and craft, amazingly so does DS1. But as I was looking at them as they dried on the table that night, I had that mommie night mare; am I going down the slippery slope of embarrassing my son because I don't know what the standard is; homemade or store bought?

I love that DS1 was into the cards. Into the idea of giving his friends something special that he made. He told me which name to write on each card. We did his cluster and the other cluster that shares the main room (23 kids). He was proud and excited.

Well, thanks and joy to the karma of this Valentine Day. DS1 came home Thursday with a bag full of home made Valentines. None were perfect, all were beautiful. I love this age, they are opinionated, they care, but they also love so freely.

Role of an Observer

The intro to the series: The last couple days I've been thinking about how all my boys each on their own terms and timing hold me, my life, my actions, my choices up to microscopic inspection, hand me a mirror on my own actions or hold me captive as an observer without the ability to control an event. These are all scary, real thoughts/moments, but not necessarily good or bad, just life with kids.

Observer without control: Definitely the role that is hardest for me to take in my relationship with the boys is that of observer. I am good at observing. I want to watch, listen, take time to see what is happening with them. But once I've started to see a pattern that I don't like, be it as simple as wiping their nose on their sleeves, or as complex as melting down every time his brother leaves for school, I want to interrupt and ask for behavior that I find more appropriate. That doesn't sound too bad on the surface, but what if they are not ready, or just not interested in what I deem to be appropriate behavior? Then I have set up for a battle of the wills. These I do not loose. But maybe I should more often (back to the microscope and mirror).

The other time when being observer is really, really hard, is when one of the boys is working out a social situation with other kids. I want everyone to love them as much as I do. But sometimes the big kids just don't want a baby tagging along. Sometimes my boys are just not catching on to the game that is at play. Sometimes the boys are afraid to try something, a food, a game, a sing-a-long, an instrument, and it breaks my heart as I want them to be able to experience everything.

Now the flip to this equation, is what if I could make them into puppets and they did everything I wanted. At first, yes appealing; no more picking up toys, sorting clothes, yelling to stop the hitting/throwing of stuff. But I think it would also take away too much of the fun in watching the boys discover things on their own. Learning from their perspective. Seeing things, all sort of things for the first time.

And this is the simple stuff. The big stuff is to come. What happens when they change schools, classes, teachers and its not the perfect fit? What happens when they don't date the girl of their dreams? Or get accepted into their college of choice?

So being the observer to their precious lives is the part of parenting that rips my heart out. I don't want to observe and let them find their way. I want to control the events, I want no hardship to come their way. And even with the slightest of slights, my heart hurts. It may be my refrain, but parenting sucks. I'm in it deep, I do it, but wow it is tough at almost every turn.

6 months

Today is our six month anniversary, DS2 and I. Really DS2 and the family, but I'm celebrating DS2 and I. Damn right its personal.

I love him, he loves me. It feels like he has always been here. I'm tempted to say it feels like he came yesterday, but that is not true, when he came it was hell. Life turned upside down. Breathing became hard but necessary. My heart was ripped from my body and has yet to be returned. I cry too much.

Six months ago a tiny child walked in the hotel door holding hands with a nanny, with the sun streaming behind him, and he looking shut down. I clung to one child (DS1) as I watched the elevator doors close stopping my view of the other (DS2) as he went to the meeting room. An arranged marriage was about to happen. I held myself open to possibility and he walked into the next chapter of his life without choice.

Six months ago I was shocked by his weight, his birthmark, his humongous head, his blisters and tears. Today I love his birthmark, his humongous head, his gorgeous fingers and toes, his ability to blow snot when he is mad, his open mouth kisses which include sucking on my chin, and his giggle.

I have learned that I'm not a bad person, but I'm not the person I want to be. I want to be more patient, more loving, more educated, more silly. Beyond me, I also want it all, talking, silly, play, love, peace, for him.

In the last six months DS1 has taught me to be a better family member and how to love DS2. I have learned that being a good family member is just getting on with it. Where you come from, what your age, differences, it all just really doesn't matter, just get on with it. DS1 has taught me to love because you can, you should, and it is received. DS1 taught me that there are ways to laugh at all of us during every period, even when the family is expanding and my heart and head are exploding. I love DS1 more because he taught me so much as DS2 came into our lives. I love DS2 because DS1 has shown me the way.

DS2 is teaching me that stubbornness can be a virtue. DS2 is teaching me to be more creative. DS2 is teaching me by example how to attempt to learn, absorb and try anything, no matter the smell, difficulty or challenge. DS2 is teaching me that I don't want to be color blind, I want to be color aware and celebrate what we share, what we offer one another.

I am a stronger, better person for living the last six months of my life. I think DH, DS1 and DS2 are as well. I look back and can't believe how difficult it all was. Not just the last six months, but also the two year process required to reach the last six months. This has definitely been the most difficult six months of my life. I have cried till the tears were gone. I have been angry at things I can't control. I have questioned my beliefs about the world and why I am here. I have lost hope and found it again. I have loved where nothing was returned. I have been blessed with an unexpected love that I thought would never arrive. I have gained a greater understanding of who I am as a person, woman, mother and wife - and it is not where I want to be, but not bad and I know I can grow. I have learned to relish a full night's sleep.

Have I learn something, am I happy with the outcome, can an arranged marriage work, did this experience strengthen the family, was it really that bad, would I do it again?

Yes.

Really Back - part 3

So I hate being sick.  It is not just the sickness itself, its that I feel I should avoid others -  I don't want to contaminate them.  I avoid the family, which totally sucks. I avoid friends and I don't  even  want to be in public.  I feel like I have super-powered cooties and anyone with in 30 feet could become as ill or worse than me.  So yeah, when I'm sick, my sense of reality becomes distorted.

The distortion usually turns depressing; I start to think my life sucks, I've accomplished nothing, built up everyone's hopes and now am under amazing pressure to do something.  I wonder why I ever married or had children, all these people I can disappoint.  I wonder why my friends aren't calling, but I'm also not picking up the phone when it rings.  I don't think any of this is rational, but when I'm really sick, I also miss out on how irrational I'm getting.  It really is an ugly side of depression mixed in with a few pharmaceutical hallucinations.  

This time around, the anxiety that came with the first antibiotic was unlike anything I had experienced before and had me in tears a lot.  I was so releeved when the nurse came and took my blood pressure a second time because she just didn't believe the jump it had in 48 hours.

But, I'm am up and about.  Saturday a cloud lifted out of my head.  Although I still had a dull headache and sinus pressure, I could feel the "sickness-induced" depression moving off.  By Sunday, I was up and about, having a normal day; took boys to fire station in the morning to drop off cookies, at which DS1 decided to throw up (can't make this stuff up), then home to friends joining us for brunch (DS1 totally fine the rest of the day), lots of play, a walk in the park next door (DS1 on his bike, DS2 in stroller napping) and a friend over for afternoon play date, then bath, video, sleep.  

Today, a "work" day.  I feel good.  Still about 5 more days of antibiotics, but I"M ALIVE!!

The boys constantly have runny noses, DS1 currently has a snot-induced cough at night.  But they seem to plow through these things and keep up their schedules.  I was wiped out.  It was unexpected, and most unwanted.  I didn't even get them to Santa, which DS1 has asked for.  I told him Santa is now recovering from his big night at the beach, so DS1 is now pleading that we return to the beach, oh it makes my heart cry on a cold day in NYC.  

In the last two weeks, the only thing accomplished was getting our insurance up and running for DS2's surgery tomorrow morning.  I did put together a Santa gift, but DH wrapped everything.  I even bought store made cookie dough for the Santa cookies on Christmas Eve.  I did manage to remember to buy carrots for the reindeer and talk one of the young wonderful doorman we have into stopping by to tell DS1 that he left the roof door open so that Santa could get to the elevator.  All of which went over very well.

The boys have amazed me, by just going with the flow; and playing more together and/or more respectfully of one another daily.  When it snowed, DS1 kept shouting for DS2 to jump in the sled.  They loved being pulled around the carpeted hallway, but as the photos show, being pulled in the snow itself was a bit scary for DS2.  They are mostly sharing their Santa toys, although they were given specific gifts.  They can now both play with cars, trucks or train sets together with minimal intervention needed for "mine" issues.  And when older kids are over to play with DS1, DS2 seems to get it.  He plays with them, but then he comes to me to do something different.  And this is still with limited vocabulary and hearing that is marginalized.

There is love between them.  It is amazingly pure.  It humbles me.  Sometimes I suck so much.  Like when I'm sick laying in bed, hating myself for ever having children in the first place.  But we will all get through it, we were brought together for some reason, and maybe someday we'll know why.

The Evolution of Siblings

There has been a seismic shift in our household in the last two weeks.  I've almost been afraid to write about it but, today I'll share.

About two weeks ago DS2 finally figured out it is better to hand out in bed with DS1 then to have to go to bed in our room by himself.  The first time, I had put him to bed with DS1, but as usual he came walking out.  I told him, "Hey, you really want to sleep by yourself? You'll be alone, you'll cry and we'll all be sad."  He shook his head at me and then turned and walked back into the bedroom with DS1.  

Then he slept through the night.  

Since then, he goes in for the bedtime story, then lays down and hangs out till he falls asleep.   DS1 tends to fall asleep with in 10-15 minutes.  DS2 hangs out, pretty quietly, chills, doesn't get out of bed, but may not go to sleep for 25-30 minutes.  

This shift, took so much stress out of our lives.  First, I could let go of the guilt associated with making him cry until he fell asleep.  Then DS1 shifted his thoughts.  Some how DS2 moved from "pet" status, which included all sorts of comments to me, along the lines of, "what is my brother doing?", "what does my brother want", and "my brother doesn't like his cookies, can I eat them".  To "sibling" status. I first noticed it a couple nights ago in the bathtub.  I was giving the boys shaving foam with which to wash.   DS2 rubbed it on DS1's back, and DS1 asked, what is that.  I told him, he didn't mind and let DS2 continue.  After a few minutes, DS1 put cream on DS2.  True interaction.  The next night I came home from work and they were pretending to be in a boat together, with DS1 shouting instructions - i.e., lean this way, that way, row.  DS2 shouting back.  Then last night they were watching the 15 minutes of video before bedtime story.  DS2 had wandered down the couch and DS1 said, "hey, DS2 move down here so you can see  better".  

I know these examples may not seem like much, but it is so tangible.  It has changed how we all function.  There is a new understanding between them.  Even without DS2 speaking.  There is less tension at bed time, and this is huge for DH as well. I'm worried about his lack of speech, DS2 that is, and he continues to impress me with his maturity.  

Photo note: thought you'd like this one of our bike ride last weekend when both boys fell asleep in the wagon.  It's not happened before.  Usually they stay awake chatting and looking at stuff,  But this time we wore them out.

Complexity of Caring for a family

The parenting stuff is so much more complex than I can handle at times, that I just have to ignore some issues.  

I'm working on integrating the family, getting us all in school/work routine.  This meant getting some of the family's non-emergency care just had to wait.  For example, I'm just starting the Early Intervention Program.  This is the state funded program that helps any child with significant delays in speech, physical or cognitive delays under the age of 3.  As it is state funded, the child has to be evaluated and qualify by their approved people, then the state selects the amount of therapy, type of therapy and therapist (well, for the most part).  The good thing is it's a free evaluation, free therapy, and the therapy is supposed to happen at your house.

From the first request by a parent to final decision on therapy, is mandated to be no more than 45 days, but my process is slowly grinding moving forward. Which makes me feel a bit bad about taking so long to get started.  First, the lady whose job it is to tell me about the program upon my request was sick for a week.  Then, I am requesting  speech help, but they are requiring full developmental evaluation.  That is a nice precaution, but it requires another meeting which is tough on a working mom.  The program is supposed to evaluate the kid in your home, but since DS2 only heard Mandarin until 3 months ago, they decided he has to have a bilingual evaluation, which means we have to take him to a site in Chinatown, for both evaluations. I've already got the pediatrician sending in paper work.  But hey, I'm still waiting to get his hearing tested, so that throws a wrinkle into the evaluation problem I'm just not going to deal with (I actually think his hearing is fine, but the hearing test "should" be a priority due to the common hearing issues associated cleft palate).

Next, poor DH.  In the first month home I probably asked him to move out half a dozen times.  I don't know why he didn't go, and there is no need now.  He has been the last priority in this "adjustment" window.  And as other items get check off the "to do" list, he has risen in my priorities.  What "adjustment" as in adjustment time; reality is our life as we knew it is over.  There has been a structural change.  There is no going back.  But hey, we don't really know what lies ahead.  But I'm sure it is more "adjustments".

I don't even want to go into the job, where I'm excited about a few projects I'm working on but still have not moved them forward as quickly as I wanted to because of, time out for preschool (next post), time out for Halloween, time out for lunch with girls (read mental health), and other work stuff that sneaks up in priority.  

No great conclusion tonight, just admitting its all complex. 

A window to the past

This weekend we got together with another family who adopted a child from the same orphanage as DS2, just 2 months before we picked up DS2.

First how we met; there are Yahoo chat groups dedicated to the various orphanages in China. The week before joining the group I had received updated photos of DS2 from another mom who was picking up a child. In these photos, my DS2 was with a friend. After joining my specific group, I noticed that the other family had posted that they were about to leave for China, and had a blog, so I checked it out. When I clicked on the other family's blog, it was my guy's friend! I immediately emailed the photos. They also had photos of my son at the orphanage with their daughter, too cool!

Well, this weekend, just a couple day before our 3 month anniversary of being a family of four, we were able to hook up with the other family! See photos above.

It was a great but strange meeting. Strange in how do I suddenly say hello to another mom that gets it! and has helped me so much along the way, with whom I share an intimate understanding of something we both are experiencing separately. I really needed the opportunity to touch base on all sorts of things, but really I hope this is only the beginning as there is so much to share. Additionally the other mom has older kids and more "mom" experience than me, and yeah, I'll take all the pointers I can get!

Enough on the adults, the kids were funny. They clearly knew each other, but they were cautious. What does this mean? Why are we here? What is going on? Also my brother and a couple of his kids were there aw well as my parents neighbors, so DS2 was already a bit out of his element and clingy. Frankly, he is just clingier anytime we are not in our usual routine. But I could feel his body change in my arms when he saw her. There was interest, but there was fear.

By the time all were feed and had an opportunity to run around, the kids were friendly, giving hugs and such. I think next time they'll be less timid.

That night, DS2 had nightmares all night. Crying out every hour to 45 minutes without fully waking up. DH took the brunt of this, sleeping in the boys room. I think there was just a few emotions that need to be worked out. The second night, DS2 slept through the night no problem.

When I face the complexity of our lives, and all the feelings that go along with it, I'm overwhelmed by just how much there is to consider and how little is known of what is the best approach, and the uncertainty of my feelings on a variety of subjects. I want to do what is best for the kids, for DH, for me, but I don't know what that is. Yeah, baths before bed time, that is an easy decision. However, reminding DS2 of his early start, just seems to upset him - I forgot to mention he hated seeing the photo of the orphanage. But there is progress. I love him, he loves me, and DS1 and DH are in the mix as well. Big progress in that DS2 is now going to bed at the same time as DS1 and in the same room, without crying. Well, most of the time! I guess I just keep reminding myself it is just coming up to 3 months.

Send him back

Photo: I like this one, its about the kids, but for a brief moment the Play Dough is the focus. Kind of like adoption, sometimes it becomes the focus, but it needs to be fleeting, as the time together is really about the kids.

I knew it was coming, I just didn't know when. But last night, I had the boys in the tub and DS1 has been acting out a bit lately, so I brought up the "its not always easy being the older brother" train of thought. And yes, it popped out. "Mommie, can we send him back to the other people?"

It wasn't phrased like, "let's send him back", it was more of general question. I said nope, he's with us now. He also asked, did they have bath tubs at the orphanage?, in the same inquisitive tone, so I don't think the first question was malicious. I said, I thought they did, but DS2 probably didn't get to spend as much time playing in the tub there as he does here, and that is why he doesn't like to come out of the tub.

On the new adoption parenting book, this stuff is good and bad. Its all written by some expert from their own experience. This doesn't mean they have had experience with my kid, but maybe there are patterns among behaviours in kids from the orphanage system? I find parenting pointers I like. Others I ignore. My most recent read is, "Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child: From Your First Hours Together Through the Teen Years" by Patty Cogen. I kind of like the overall approach. But it is written with a saying it out loud techniques that have an effect on the whole family, not just the adopted child. So far she hasn't addressed the idea that it affects the family.

For example, if DS1 falls to my feet screaming - which is likely to happen almost anytime - I'm to say to him, "I know that at the orphanage you might have had to be very loud and demonstrative to get attention, but you are here with me and part of our family now, so if you want me to pick you up just stand up and lift your arms to me and say "up". Well, I tried this, with this amazingly long, adult verbiage, and DS2 stopped crying, stood up and lifted his arms to be picked up! So next time I did it again and it worked. After a couple times, he's more likely to raise his arms first rather than just crumble to the floor! So I tried the technique - really just saying at the orphanage that may of been how you handled a situation, but as a member of a family this is how we do it, - and it has worked.

The unexpected consequence is that DS1 is asking more questions about "at the orphanage". Yuck! I want the kids to know the truth, but in age appropriate doses. Now I'm getting all sort of questions about the orphanage. I've offered to show DS1 photos, and he says yes, he really wants to see them. But he forgets by the time I've dried the two of them off and gotten them in their PJs. I want all the adoption issues to be open within the family, but wow, I find I'm still digesting the material.

So, check out the book, I like it better than most, but I'm only half way through, so there is time for me to decide I hate it yet. And yes, I'm keeping my boys although I do fantasize about those free and single days!

The comparison is unavoidable

I recently read a poem, and it had a line that really hit me, "before I was a mother I didn't know the feeling of having a heart outside my body." Wow. How true!

There are so many things that I didn't expect when I became a parent. One is how far love reaches and how crushing it is because you don't control it. This last weekend was rain, rain, rain. That means no sunshine, time becomes suspended in a gray fog, and we spent entirely too much time indoors looking at one another.

I happen to love to bake, so I suggested that we make cookies to take to the fire-station. I also happen to think the guys at the station are cool, so I'm always up for a visit. DS2 is up for the ride, but isn't quite into the hero worship of the firemen yet. Well the heart break is every step of the way.

DS2 joins us in the kitchen. I strap him in the high chair and place him beside an open drawer where he explores the tools. When DS1 was just months old, this is how he would accompany me while I cooked. DS2 is doing the same things, examining the tools one by one, throwing some, making noise and interacting with us. It is great to see, but it is also heartbreaking. By the age of two, DS1 was already helping me; wearing an apron and mixing. The difference, exposure. I'm sure DS1 had been in the kitchen well over a hundred meals by the age of two. DS2, this was only his tenth to fifteenth time.

It's not fair to compare their respective skills even when they were both two years old, but it is my frame of reference for child development so it is hard not to do. He is already stronger than two months ago, but there is still so far to go on the interaction, language and emotional control. It is heart breaking. It makes me sad for him and worried about the future; how long will it take to catch up? Will he catch up? I just don't know; I believe he will.

But the comparisons don't stop there, I wonder am I stimulating DS2, or are the activities too oriented toward DS1. And isn't this a dilemma every mother of two or more faces? DS1 has a blast cooking, and I think DS2 has fun. He isn't crying, he's babbling and laughing with us, but its not like the activity seems to make his day. At the station, DS1 sits in the firetruck, gives the guys the cookies and is generally over the moon. DS2 is cool with the truck, not too sure about the guys, and just happy to be out and about. But is he getting enough stimulation? Are we doing things he really enjoys? When will I even know for sure what he enjoys? By now I had such a greater understanding of how DS1 thought/worked that we did things I knew he'd enjoy. DS2 is still in the reveal stage. We are still working it out.

I struggle with this also because I am reading another adoption parenting book. It is one of those books that talks about how all adopted children, particularly internationally adopted children are victims of post traumatic stress of the initial separation from the birth mom and then separation from care givers on transfer to me. Don't forget the surgeries in-between when DS2 was in the hospital, most likely with minimal friendly 24 hour support. Ok, I get it, the first two years were not in anyway ideal, but when I stop trying to over compensate and over worry over the years out of my control?

So is my heart on my sleeve? Nope its really outside of my body, and its hard to defend against all the supposed experts on parenting that offer crushing views on child development and its long term outlook.

Emotional tonight

It is interesting that today I have been in a state of thanks and appreciation after quite some time of just getting through. I wasn't even going to write today, but as I was putting the boys down for the night I felt compelled.

What brought this on, you may ask. I have no idea. First, yesterday my parents arrived in town which usually makes me a bit more introspective than normal. Second, I went to a kiddy class with a girlfriend and her son and my girlfriend was emotionally spent, to a level I totally identified with, which made me feel great compassion, not only for her, but for both of us. Then last night we had a party with a bunch of friends, and I forget how many people I have available to call in an emergency (the photos from the boat. The danger in posting these is that some friends weren't invited and will now be pissed. Let me just say, I am so tired and wired, that in the end I wasn't sure who I invited, who I didn't, or even who was coming). Finally tonight, DS1 insisted it was time for DS2 to start sleeping in his room; not in the crib outside my room. That is love. So yes, they are both in there now!

So, tonight's post is to the people I love, respect, appreciate, use, underutilized and that have butted their way into my life either by invitation or not, Thank you! All of you! Even those that hate me and make me better by reminding me how much I suck.

-I love my friends for listening to my rants and offering parenting advice I need.
-I love the strangers on the street for the parenting advice I would never use.
-I love my family, frankly, because they put up with me and have given up on changing me.
-I love the woman who cleans the house once a week, cause I do like a clean toilet and sit my it nightly at bath time.
-I love the sitter who takes the boys during the day, you are my sanity as you enjoy the kids stuff and playing peek-a-boo for 3 hours when 3-5 peeks is enough for me. Both I and the kids are better people for having you in our life.
-I love the doorman of our building that teach my kids complicated hand shakes and how to hose the city grit off the side walk, and most importantly occasionally tell me I look good.
-I love the laundry man that always knows my name and asks about the boys, even if they are not with me.
-I love the masseuse at the nail salon, who I know are there to help even if I don't have the time.
-I love the neurotic moms who make me want to be a better mom.
-I love the pathetically bad moms who make me feel better about my own parenting skills.
-I love my husband's friends who get him out of the house without me, even if I get jealous.
-I love my husband's friends because they were there for me when I had no friends of my own.
-I love the parents' of ds's friends, also they are receptive to my neurosis and invite out of the house!
-I love my job for teaching me I'm a peg in a wheel.
-I love the boys for thinking I've got magical powers - well, I told them I do and they still don't know I fib on occasion.
-I love NYC for the people, parks, take out, restaurants, and craziness it provides.
-I love the bus drivers that continue to co-conspire with ds1 and let him think we are riding the super hero bus.
-I love preschool for teaching my kid something - life.
-And yes, I love my husband and for this one I need not offer a reason, I just do.

I don't do it alone. I really do nothing alone. This humbles me daily.

Completion of Block Island - photos

While a week away was stressful at this juncture, it was also fantastic. I guess in the thing I am learning most is that joy and misery come hand in hand. The mood swings of all of us are wild, but there is laughter in the midst of the tears. The food was good, the sun was excellent, we all got great color and vitamin D. I think we all enjoyed the water immensely, and even ds2 surrendered his fears of the surf by the end of the week; although not his fear of birds. Some friends joined us for the second half of the week, so you'll see a few extra faces in the photos this go around. It is great to have friends, even when we treat them to this wonderfully unstable side of our selves.

Photos: more beach, the boys playing woith glow sticks at night, lobster dinner, and the demise of the lobster, family and friends = love.

On the town with the Boys

With snacks, we travel.
Forget split pants, this is the front apron, with a string around the neck, waist and each leg. DH and I wonder, why even bother; let the kid go naked.
The "I'm hot and your pointing the camera at me again" look.
DS1 and DH on carnival rides in the Zoo! DS1 kept asking, "why are there rides in the zoo?" I said because its fun!
DS2 likes raisins. And the digging in the box keeps his fingers active. Guess what they look like coming out the other end!

General happiness about being in the tub.

Just wanted you to see I'm not making it up. He is skinny and his head is large. Yet, with this combination the kid manages to still appear handsome to me. Impressive.
In the People's Park. It looked like they were exercising, but they also could be practicing some sort of dance?
When I get home I will touch up this photo to bring out the man's face. Love it!
With snacks, we can go anywhere!!

When I logged in just now I first went to weather.com as I didn't want to exaggerate - "97 degrees - feels like 127"!!! I totally agree.

Well, sorry didn't write yesterday, but was just busy with boys. When DS2 went down for a nap, I went swimming with DS1, which took my best window for writing. But I had fun in the pool. He is a swimming machine! Today we took both boys swimming. DS2 gave his little "help me" cry, but never properly broke into tears. He would laugh a lot at DS1 spitting water fountains, and even liked it when I help him in his floating boat and jumped up and down a bit. He likes splashing his legs and hands, but wasn't thrilled about water on his back. I'm sure this is the coldest water he had ever been in. He was very concerned at first. When in the tub, which I use warmer water, he didn't mind water on his back or head, so I totally think its a temperature thing.

I wanted to touch on emotions today. Do we love him, DS2? The answer is yes; there is love. But its also a little like a neighbor you didn't know very well suddenly knocked on your door and handed you their kid. You care for him, and love him, but you just don't know him that well. Additionally, the kid is a bit scared of you as well. DS2 is doing very well, but I feel bad when it takes 5 minutes of crying to find out he wants a drink of water. He also becomes a wet noodle when he's physically exhausted, which happens after 5-10 minutes of walking. When the wet noodle kicks in I feel bad that I've pushed him too far. He has started trying to kiss me. He sees me kiss DH and ds1 and then tries. Its a funny open mouth slobber on mommie approach. DH laughs. He is becoming more comfortable with us. He is willing to wander from our living room to our bedroom without me. But then checks to see that I am still there. He let DH give him a bottle if I staid close by. He doesn't like anyone to hold him but me though. He likes taxi rides. I know how much I love DS1, but that has had three and half years to grow. I can see the love for this son will grow as we know each other better, but it is somehow disappointing not to see it at 100% from the first moment.

On the Chinese reaction to adoption - they are overwhelmingly supportive. However, I've had two episodes now where I had to quickly get out of a crowd scene because I have a boy. The lip is really well repaired and I don't think everyone notices. But it starts with whispering and pointing and eventually someone say something that makes me think they figured out his a boy. Then they start yelling at me in Chinese. I'm sure they are just asking questions, but the volume and tone don't feel friendly so I high-tail it. The first time DS1 had just sat down with ice cream and wasn't happy to be moving again, but even he seemed to sense it was a bit scary. I really just think its surprise and intrigue. In a more friendly example, DS2 and I were in the elevator alone with one of the hotel's doorman last night, DS1 and DH went up in the first one and we caught the second. The door man said good evening, as did I. Then he said your daughter, and I said my son. Remember this is a guy who is trained to be polite, he looked closely at my son and said, "a boy, how unusual".

The floor of our hotel is now full of adoption families. There are at least 10 families here. One of the other moms said curtly to me, "I see they are now giving away the boys too". It pissed me off, I said nope, he's special needs and I'm lucky. Needless to say, I won't be talking to her any more. But I've been meeting the others in the hallway. Its a bit like a walking track, we are all out there at 8 pm with babies in slings tying to get them to go to sleep. They are generally nice, from all over the US, and they all have young (10-16 month old) baby girls. Several have older biological children like us, but none chose to travel with them.

On the food. Yes, There is Pizza Hut, Kentucky fried chicken and McDonald's. I boycotted McDonald's years ago, so we haven't gone there. The Pizza Hut is very high end. People dress fashionably, and it is all table service. We have found two so far, both by high-end department stores. KFC is for the younger crowd. Lots of young kids, and young families. The chicken is only available in spicy. But they give you a picture menu to order from. I thought I found a non-spicy, which I did, but it was the fish sandwich (who would have thought that it was totally edible). At both restaurants and anytime we are on the street, people will try to sit beside DS1 and take photos. He's been good about it, but I do wave people away a fair amount.

Amazingly, we have been enjoying a variety of Asian cuisine. In Beijing, we had great Thai, Japanese, and Indian. Tonight we are going to a Japanese restaurant. While each restaurant claims to be one cuisine or another, it seems to me there is a bit of natural fusion going on. Just like Chinese food in the US has evolved for the US palate, the Japanese/Thai/Indian here has evolved to suit the Chinese palette.

On DS2, DH and I have decided he's about as developed as a 9 month old. Sounds, no real words, although he is very close to calling DS1 by name. Walks well for short spurts, but not strong enough to crawl. If he tips over, he can get up but it make take some maneuvering to get into the perfect position from which to get back up. And if he is tired, forget it, he'll just lay there and cry. He feeds himself, but needs food cut small. Also I have to limit the food in front of him, or he shoves it all in his mouth at once. He is two in that he is throwing his food once he has eaten enough and taking only 1 nap a day. I think we will see growth by the end of the trip, and he is repeating sounds he hears, mostly raspberries and hums. He seems to have a generally pleasant disposition and curiosity about things. And yes, we had a poopie. I resorted to the prunes mush I brought. I got one teaspoon in, which he hated, spit out, smeared with his hands on his face and hair. But while I thought none got in, within 10 minutes we had poopie!

On logistics - We've been to the People's Park (highly recommend), The People's Square (cool, but exposed in the heat), and the Zoo (highly recommend). At the People's Square, or sometimes refereed to as August the 1st square, there wer some serious kite flying going on. Unfortunately I didn't take my camera with me on that trip. There is also a huge WalMart, but we didn't go in. We saw the Pizza Hut and made a bee line for food! The People's park is gorgeous, with lake, little boats, lots of gardens and a small amusement ride section. The Zoo is a nice diversion. We watched an elephant performance, but the heat was there too. The zoo is old and the animals are in rather small stark cages compared to the Bronx zoo, but totally worthy of a visit.

So all for today! Thank you for the comments and wishes. We've a few more days before heading to Guangzhou.