Authoritative Defiant

I drafted this post three months ago, then didn't have the heart to post it. Today, I was listening to another adoption mom lament on the topic and thought, "ok, I'm not alone. Time to post that old draft". The good news is that the behaviour has improved significantly, the better news is that I expect it to continue to improve!

Old draft:
Authoritative Defiant, this phrase/term has been bouncing around in my head for about a week. The occupational/play therapist for DS2 used it in explaining her early assessment of him.

Last week, the boys were a bit late returning from a play date and were about 20 minutes late to a schedule therapy session. This created the opportunity for the therapist and I to sit down and talk freely without the boys present (I worry that the little pictures have big ears). She thinks our little China man is really smart and an impressive problem solver for a two year old - I agree. She thinks he is very demanding and really want 110% of every one's attention - I agree. She said that must be hard to live with - I agree.

But the attention demand is improving. I see more of the boys than the therapist and I believe the boys need to have time without friend or parental stimulation. Sometimes I purposely remove myself from the play to let them go with their own imagination. This doesn't mean I get to leave the room, I just pulled back, read a magazine or tidy up. My older son I will let play in his room or the living room unsupervised while I do things around the apartment. But I'm close by and he checks in often. The little man, I'm leery to leave him alone.

The other thing the therapist mentioned, and this is a good one - he's authoritative defiant; it has to be his way or he fights. I agree. But then I thought, "wow, he's so much better now than 3 months ago, I'm really glad we didn't start therapy until now." Our boy is opinionated, beyond having an opinion. He really is a tyrant, everything must be his idea, his way. I show him breakfast and he pushes it away. Everyone else starts eating and he screams out for his food. It is not that he doesn't want it in the first place, it is that he wants everything to be his idea. Even when I let him choose. For example when he needs a shirt, I open the drawer and let him pick. But once the shirt is on, he may change his mind and scream until we change it. Recently I've decided to go with the first choice and that is it. So lots of screaming and tears.

In reality, this is why we have the occupational/play therapy (updated note - it has HELPED so much!!!). To have DS2 learn the rules of play, to catch up on the language and skills most two year olds have gain via social interaction. Authoritative Defiant is a challenge meant to be handled by an equally stubborn, strong willed, and disciplined mommy; yeah, Me. Yeah, he was meant for me. Wow we have a lot of growing to do.
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Follow up - like I said things are better now. But at the time, I was just to frustrated to talk about it. But discipline consistency is the key. Not letting him have the other option, but sticking with his first choice create a week of angst, but then he got it. Sometimes I can now let him change his mind without a earthquake occurring. And we've used timeouts for when he is out of control. My older son figured out that time-outs are no fun after one or two. From then on it only took a single threat, "do that again and you'll get a time out". However for the little man, he needed about a month of time-outs to figure I wasn't going to fold. Now the threat works. But in that month, it was hard to love a defiant screaming, kicking, crying kid. Now his personality hasn't changed; he still wants it his way. However as the words are starting to come, it is easier to understand. And as he knows he can't railroad me into anything, but only has the options I outline up front, he chooses among the options and sticks with his choice. But, we have our days; both good and bad. But when I read that original post and think about the pain I was in then, we have come a long way baby!

Early Intervention Success

Today was my meeting with the early intervention coordinators.  Frankly, it was amazing, draining, and successful.  I went in hoping to get speech therapy 2-3x week; I left with speech therapy for 30 min 3x week AND occupational therapy for 60 minutes 3x week!  This is all now set for the next six months when he'll be evaluated again.

From the start.  The city office called me several times the day before to ask simple questions, like to verify I wanted home services and in English, as well as to admonish me not to be late for the meeting.  I showed up early, to a very old building downtown, where the office clearly reeked of underfunding and lack of decor.  However, everyone was nice and friendly. 

My case worker, the service coordinator (from the agency that supplies the therapist), and the city official all sat with me in one tiny office.  The routine was new to me, but they were all professional and knew what they were doing.  The city official had a bunch of questions, i.e. how did I feel about the written valuation? (horrible) Was it accurate? (yes) Has he learned to do better on steps? (just takes them one at a time, slowly, often asks for help) Does he sleep well? (generally, once he is down) Can he brush his teeth? (somewhat, but both boys just enjoy eating the toothpaste) How does he play with his brother? (good, bad, mood dependant, toy dependant) Does he share? (no) Does he know his body parts? (maybe a few) etc. 

I answered everything honestly.  I told them how much he has improved since joining us.  That the tantrums are less, that he has almost stopped biting me, but still pinches and pulls hair.  I told them about the preschool visit and how much more behind than the other more articulate kids.  We talked about the food he eats, that he's not attached to any particular toy, but likes playing with stuff.   I talked about the lack of talking frustration in parenting.  They got it all.

Then the city offical, just made the determination.  YEAH!!! She set goals, he should have a 100 word vocabulary, he should use two word together, he should be able to name his body parts, colors, shapes, and offer me one out of a pile of items.  YEAH!!

Speech therapy is like you'd guess, focused on the lips, sounds, and some eating skills (trying to get more chewing happening).  The occupation therapy is play therapy, which is likely to help speech, but focused on basic "pre-school" skills such as learning shapes and colors, body parts, how to do puzzles, learning to build with blocks, not just throwing; all clearly focused on improving the vocabulary as well.  

They recommended a physical therapy evaluation.  I told them he's in a tumbling class 2x a week and I think he is behind due to lack of opportunity to run and use his body previously, but if they are willing to give me support here too, why not try it.  I think his balance will improve with the ear tubes.  I think he is getting stronger physically and has just started to run, really run, with his feet leaving the ground!  but he still hyper extends his shoulders and elbows due to lack of upper body strength (I guess there are push-ups in his future, and this is clearly an institutional sign from the lack of crawling).

By the end of the week I should hear from the therapist and therapy starts next week.  I'm really excited for him!!! For us!!! I wish I had started the early intervention evaluation process earlier, but it is better now than even later.  Also he would have only scored worse earlier, and we are getting great services, so its not like waiting penalized us too much.  Like I said this is all good for six months.  The case worker has already walked me through what we need to start in March to keep services continuing through a different pre-school state program for when he hits his 3rd birthday (in August).