Until it Happens

Remember before you had your first child and everyone smiled and said, "this will change your life forever." I smiled and thought, "Da, I'm adding a kid, of course this changes things." But I really didn't understand, nor do I really believe anyone does, until you've had a child added to your life. For a long, long time, this was the only thing, being a parent that is, that I thought was something to be experienced and couldn't really be explained. But I guess I'm growing up, because here is what I've noticed lately.

Today, I grunted out loud on the way to the post office pushing the Big Boy over a bump while also carrying six boxes ties with a string. I didn't really get that over forty the knees do hurt on occasion, I don't jump as high as I used to and yes, I no longer care if I grunt out loud when exerting myself. I didn't think this day would come. But now I'm here, and its ok. It is not that I'm falling apart, really I feel quite strong, but I'm willing to grunt. out loud.

Yesterday, I hit a personal milestone that was to trigger a personal treat. However, I decided I didn't really need the treat. I had heard people say in the past that a job well done was reward enough, but I hadn't really hit that point. Well, suddenly I have. It was a simple milestone - going to the gym regularly for a certain amount of time; it was a great reward, a message. But, I'm actually so proud that I've managed to organize my life, without it all falling apart, that I've been going regularly - yes through aching joints, occasional knee pain, and lots of sweat - that I'm proud of feel strong, of looking more tone. I don't mind forgoing the "treat" because I found it in a different way.

Working from home is socially challenging. I'd heard people say it and thought, "yeah, of course, you are at home." But it is socially challenging. People think you can "do lunch", but that is really disruptive to a productive day. At the end of the day I want my time with the boys without the sitter. After they go to bed, I'm going back to work. On the weekends I like the family time. So socially, my main work colleagues are the sitter, and my shipping department (Big Boy and the people at the post office). Which means stimulating conversation is clearly lacking. Little Man just visits for "kisses" between runs to play, gym, lunch, etc. I'm renewing my efforts to connect with people live!

Kids are great, it changes you. Growing older is great, it changes you. Believing in yourself is great, it changes you. Working from home is great, it challenges me.

How Life Collides

"Collides" doesn't necessarily bring on a positive connotation, but I mean it in a positive way. This is the limitation of my small vocabulary, and lack of refined language skills on full display. Anyway, recently I've watched various parts of my life, that were always rather separate, collide. The result has generally been greater richness for the relationships for me, whether the other person was ready or not!

Yesterday, I started the spring/summer battle of window cleaning. I love it when our windows are clean and it feels like a tree house (we live on the second floor, which means we are in the trees, a feeling I love). But all winter, I let it go. There is no battle to fight in the winter time; the wind, rain, snow win because I'm not up for freezing while cleaning the windows, to have them get dirty again the next day. But by Spring, I want all the sun shine. I want a clear view of the park. I want the windows open. Well, to clean the living room windows I have to climb on the cadenza. This means getting out protective cardboard from the closet. With my Big boy helping me, we started pulling out the card board only to be greeted by one of New York's finest, a huge water bug about two inches long. It ran between two pieces of cardboard, but its antennae were sticking out, so we knew right were it was. If my lovely groom had been home, he'd had been called into action. However, he's away. So, drawing on the skills I've learned on the Wednesday noon kick boxing class. I clocked the boards with a direct strike. We heard the crunch! I am know officially a bug-kicker-killer according to the Big Boy!

This morning the little man woke me early. We had time to make popovers before the big guy needed to head to preschool (whom was still snoring in his bed), so he and I cooked. The popovers turned out great, but I had forgotten the speech therapist, with whom I haven't bonded but still respect, was coming over early. Well, even earlier than she had booked. So she joined us all for breakfast. First, she was impressed that we baked so early in the morning; did I mention she doesn't have children so doesn't really know what early in the morning is. Second, she hasn't hung with all of us to see how we interact on daily stuff. She hangs with the boys and does sound repetition. She was surprised at how good the popovers were, and how much the boys get into the routine, i.e., helping me set and clear the table, and she was stunned at how many words our little man attempts to use. I got to like her a bit better (anyone who compliments my cooking can't be all bad). And the little man got out of the usual routine of sounds to show her vocabulary.

Lastly, I've noticed a change in my daytime sitter. When I first lost my job and was around, she tried to keep the boys quiet and out of my way. Now she sees they just want to say "hi" and then will leave the office. She sees that I am working hard, or at least writing, not just hanging around the house. And I share with her if I have a big or small project going on and whether it is fun or not. I give her high-fives when consulting checks come in the mail. Now she tends to over-cook/over-buy for the boys at lunch and invites me to join them. I've noticed she's been turning on the dishwasher before she leaves in the late afternoon. I've noticed that she likes to hang and chat with me at lunch, just as much as the boys do. And yes, she has even started to eat breakfast on occasion with us. All I view in the most favorable way.

I've never been super strict about keeping work separate from play, separate from family; i.e., the blog is mostly about the boys/parenting. But now in the last few months with me home, the lines definitely have begun to blend. The toughest part is making sure I spend enough time on work. But I think life is becoming richer for the blending. I know I'm having fun.

Friends

How many times do you think you need to interact with someone for them to become a friend? How much shared experience do we need?

I was wondering about this watching the boys with their friends on the play ground. The boys have nothing but time. The hang with their buds, they create the shared experiences over a matter of 2-3 visits. On the first play date with a new kid, there is a bit of formality between the kids. But by the 4-5th they are "buds". They have done things together, they have learned each others names. They have likely hit one another or had a fight over a toy and bonded after the conflict. They have likely shared a meal or snack. And they now know each other well enough that if one is crying, the other goes for help. And they don't love everything about one another, they just work it out.

With adults, you see each other "around", but don't really get to have more than a chat. The shared meal or snack may not come until the 5th, 10th, or 29th meeting. And having a conflict and getting over it, takes longer if both sides decide to get over it to create real friendship. As adults, and I didn't look this up, but I'm sure the info is out there, I'll guess it takes us months/years to make a new friend. But the kids, they have time on their side. They can make a real friend in 2-3 days.

Friends are on my mind, because I'm spending a fair amount of time alone now - working from home, home with the boys. I actually like it. But I do find myself reaching out a bit more to friends asking for lunch/coffee dates. And maybe sometimes I'm "relationship rushing" in that I become a bit too friendly, too quickly. I'll ask for the coffee date on the second meeting, because I see a spark in someone and have no idea when I might casually run into them again (as my work tends to keep me busy in the house). And, it is hard to have a conversation more than the sentences when also watching the boys on the playground. But I'm also a low maintenance friend, as I am busy and don't want to have coffee everyday, or even every few days; but monthly might be nice. I'm email friendly, but I don't like to talk on the phone or text.

And as adults, I think we are less forgiving when we don't meet eye-to-eye on a political/religious/social issue. We don't keep going to the point of mutual respect, and friendship. Too often we surround ourselves with people "like" us. This is on my mind as I am new to being available in the day, and their are established cliques out there. I'm the new person trying to find where I fit.

I'm also coming from the corporate world, where you had to figure out how to get along with people whether I really liked them or not. I'm willing to agree to disagree. I'm willing to understand that not everyone sees the world as I do and that there are people who can show me another point of view. But I'm new to the social game at school pickup and the play ground. And in this new venue, there seems to be an assessment of me going on; will I fit? Am I a like-minded soul? a bit less of the corporate feeling that "hey we are all in the same office so lets find common ground".

I'm glad I have friends, I'm glad there are opportunities to make new ones. I'm glad I have other things to do with my time besides just social stuff. But adult friendship is an interesting thing. We like the person, we hope they like us, but its not a given for many, many years. And when its not yet a given, it feels to me very new and vulnerable.

DeJaVu

Photo: Another recent box creation that DH will be removing tonight. Only the boys could make it through the tunnel.

Sometimes I feel dejavu when seeing our little man revisit "stages" that our bigger boy has passed. The timing is off, sometimes he is well behind what I would expect for a almost three year old, but it makes sense given his family/orphanage history.

I forgot what it was like to try to cook, clean, walk, dance, etc with someone trying to stand on your feet or hold your knees together. DS2 has just learned to open the refrigerator door. So now exploration of "cold" has started including turning the fridge light on and off a thousand times until the buzzer to start sound. And yes, all glass items have moved to a hirer shelf in the fridge (a broken jar of relish looks pretty bizarre when mixed with mustard. It smells weird too. for about three days!)

Peek-a-boo is back in. It is more along the lines of "Where's my man?, Oh, THERE HE IS!!", to variations of "Where's the tissue? Oh, THERE IT IS!" and my personal favorite, "where is mommy's cell? Oh, THERE IT IS!, Now give it back." We are also starting to see the very beginning of hiding, like behind a door, box, wall, etc and jumping out and surprising me. Love that. Also along these lines, I think is the pretending to be asleep, and the great giggles as I wake him up.

Another favorite, is the I want to be like mommy routine. The sudden desire to try lip gloss, powder if I'm putting that on and the wearing of hear clips. This passed quickly with DS1 and I'm sure it will with DS2 as he has the older brother there to tell him "boys don't wear......" But I like seeing my boys in a necklace sporting lip gloss. Along these lines a funny thing happened a couple weeks ago at preschool. For two weeks, each day was assigned a color. Red, Blue, Green Yellow, Black, White, Brown, Orange, Pink and Rainbow. Each day I dressed DS1 in the appropriate color. But on Pink day, he had nothing. I tried to talk him into taking along one of my sweaters and just rolling up the sleeves, but no. Then my husband who takes him to school in the morning reported back that Pink day did not go as well as the others, none of the boys were wearing pink.

Last but least, I'm back to "The wheels on the bus" forty times a day. It is good as I think he likes it because he is finally able to say, or closely say, some of the words. He loves the horn goes "beep, beep, beep" but there is fondness for the babies go "wa, wa, wa" and the windows, "up and down" and the doors "open and close". However on this one, the older boy is clearly passed this stage so sometimes he suggests new actions, such as "the bears on the bus go Ra, Ra, Ra" or the "the wings on the bus take it high, high, high". Yeah, not sure where the imagination comes from, but I love to run with it.

Generally, it is heart warming to see the "repeats", to see the path again. It means he is on it, he is moving forward, he is taking strides everyday. I don't see the daily strides, I'm too close. I worry so much about his lack of language. But I see these steps toward growth, the path I'm more familiar with and I get a bit calmer, I know more growth is coming. He's on his path!

Hello Cupcake!

As I squatted, with both hand holding dumbbells, looking into the mirror, I thought, "Fuck you, cupcake!" Maybe I ate just one too many this weekend?

The spaghetti and meatball cupcakes were for my family birthday celebration. The boys loved the concept and told daddy we were having "dinner". The butterflies were for a friend's birthday party on Sunday morning. DS1 helped me with the wings, although for sake of my sanity, the actual assembly was after he was in bed.

Trying to make designer cupcakes is interesting. Like so many things in life (including the gym), I loose my rhythm/skill when I don't practice regularly. For instance, the green bodies on the butterflies. Yeah, that was supposed to be brown, but my food coloring skills were off; way, way off.

I'm back at the gym for the first time since November. Yeah, I'm sore, four months off is plenty of time for the muscles to lose their tone. But it feels good to get back, and mentally/emotionally, it needs to happen. I missed it.

However, I forgot, when you walk in the class and everyone looks awesome = you are in for a wicked work out! There is a pregnant lady in the first row that I find motivating. She is due in May, and she's still doing more than me. To defend myself, I'm not totally terrible, its just the people in this class are clearly in their groove!

Today in the midst of 30 knee lifts for each leg, I started hyperventilating. At first I thought maybe the lights are dimming. Then I realized it was me. I sat on my bench and kept up with the arm work for a few minutes. I felt pathetic, I looked red. The teacher smiled at me, but didn't come over or say anything. After a song, that is how I measure the torture of working out - can I make it through one more song? - I felt better and got back to my feet. Tell you what, it was worth it. I'm feeling motivated. I want to run with the boys on the playground this summer.

P.S. The cupcake designs are from a book, "Hello, Cupcake!" but also just search for ideas on the internet and you'll find thousands.

Foster Care Update

I generally have come to grips with the fact that I won't know much about my sons first two years of life. But then I suddenly received word through the mommy network that he was in foster care. I contacted the group that organized it, and it is true, they sent me photos of him with his foster family in China. The parents look happy, DS2 looks in shock as he does in most all of his early photos. They are an older couple, I would guess professional foster parents.

This is a good thing; him having had foster care. I am grateful, but it is still the birth mother that sits in my consciousness, not as much the foster family. But, the foster family is doing a great thing, and I know my son is not easy, so he was likely not terribly easy on them either! But gaining knowledge of this event late, knowledge of his foster care that is, creates a need to reexamine early assumptions, early dialog, and creates a lack of trust in having known anything. And yes, its a pisser, I'm mad that there is so little information! Does it ever go away?

I have photos of him with the family pre-lip surgery (which was followed by palette surgery 7 months later). Typically kids are only returned to the orphanage within a few weeks of our adopting him. But the organization that had sponsored his foster care can't even confirm the exact foster dates. Additionally, I reached out to our adoption agency, and they are shocked to learn that he was in foster care this much, let alone at all. The photos are taken at the orphanage on his monthly visits, only a few photos, not from every monthly visit.

It is this re-examination of all our assumptions that is interesting. I told DS2 that DS1 had lived with a family before us and that it was a surprise to me, but a good thing. It was a Chinese family and that I had a photo of them together. "I thought tonight we could all look at it" I said. DS1 responded, "Don't show it to him. He'll want to go back to China and live with them." Breaks my heart, but I responded, "I don't think so. I think he wants to be with us now, but I think he also might be happy to see the people from his past." Together we showed him the photo. DS2 smiles, he is happy to see them. He points at himself and say his name. I ask who are the others, he says "Mama, Baba" . He keeps the photo for quite some time.

It is weird to hear your son call someone else Mama. DS1 never called the sitter anything but her name and she's been with us for almost four years. DS2 calls the sitter her name. But to hear him call the Chinese Foster mom called mama is a weird sensation. It doesn't make me sad, it doesn't necessarily make me happy. It is just a bit interesting/weird. It is generally ok.

DS1 was glad DS2 didn't want to return to China. DS2 likes to look at the photo every time I show it to him. DH is just pissed that there is such a lack of information and thinks there is a conspiracy to keep us in the dark. I'm adjusting to the changed reality. I'm rewriting the story I tell the boys, DS1 asks to hear it, but I view this all as practice for when DS2 starts asking. And now six months post adoption, I think it is time to start building the adoption scrap book for DS2. And to build the book for me. This is our changed reality. We are together now. It was the path unexpected by all.

P.S. If you wish to sponsor foster care for a child, please visit www.altrusa.ws. When my toy hits the market in April, you'll hear more about where a portion of the profits are going.

Early Intervention Success

Today was my meeting with the early intervention coordinators.  Frankly, it was amazing, draining, and successful.  I went in hoping to get speech therapy 2-3x week; I left with speech therapy for 30 min 3x week AND occupational therapy for 60 minutes 3x week!  This is all now set for the next six months when he'll be evaluated again.

From the start.  The city office called me several times the day before to ask simple questions, like to verify I wanted home services and in English, as well as to admonish me not to be late for the meeting.  I showed up early, to a very old building downtown, where the office clearly reeked of underfunding and lack of decor.  However, everyone was nice and friendly. 

My case worker, the service coordinator (from the agency that supplies the therapist), and the city official all sat with me in one tiny office.  The routine was new to me, but they were all professional and knew what they were doing.  The city official had a bunch of questions, i.e. how did I feel about the written valuation? (horrible) Was it accurate? (yes) Has he learned to do better on steps? (just takes them one at a time, slowly, often asks for help) Does he sleep well? (generally, once he is down) Can he brush his teeth? (somewhat, but both boys just enjoy eating the toothpaste) How does he play with his brother? (good, bad, mood dependant, toy dependant) Does he share? (no) Does he know his body parts? (maybe a few) etc. 

I answered everything honestly.  I told them how much he has improved since joining us.  That the tantrums are less, that he has almost stopped biting me, but still pinches and pulls hair.  I told them about the preschool visit and how much more behind than the other more articulate kids.  We talked about the food he eats, that he's not attached to any particular toy, but likes playing with stuff.   I talked about the lack of talking frustration in parenting.  They got it all.

Then the city offical, just made the determination.  YEAH!!! She set goals, he should have a 100 word vocabulary, he should use two word together, he should be able to name his body parts, colors, shapes, and offer me one out of a pile of items.  YEAH!!

Speech therapy is like you'd guess, focused on the lips, sounds, and some eating skills (trying to get more chewing happening).  The occupation therapy is play therapy, which is likely to help speech, but focused on basic "pre-school" skills such as learning shapes and colors, body parts, how to do puzzles, learning to build with blocks, not just throwing; all clearly focused on improving the vocabulary as well.  

They recommended a physical therapy evaluation.  I told them he's in a tumbling class 2x a week and I think he is behind due to lack of opportunity to run and use his body previously, but if they are willing to give me support here too, why not try it.  I think his balance will improve with the ear tubes.  I think he is getting stronger physically and has just started to run, really run, with his feet leaving the ground!  but he still hyper extends his shoulders and elbows due to lack of upper body strength (I guess there are push-ups in his future, and this is clearly an institutional sign from the lack of crawling).

By the end of the week I should hear from the therapist and therapy starts next week.  I'm really excited for him!!! For us!!! I wish I had started the early intervention evaluation process earlier, but it is better now than even later.  Also he would have only scored worse earlier, and we are getting great services, so its not like waiting penalized us too much.  Like I said this is all good for six months.  The case worker has already walked me through what we need to start in March to keep services continuing through a different pre-school state program for when he hits his 3rd birthday (in August).  

Milestones

On this vacation I have noticed a few new milestones in the kids that I think are pretty major.

First, they are now able to go through the bed time routine together and sleep together.   No separate beds in same room, but really sharing a bed and making it through the night.  Amazingly no one has fallen out of bed yet; although the photos testify to the odd sleeping pair they make.  And DS2 hangs out quietly after DS1 falls asleep, even if I stick my head in and he's still awake. But DS1 is oddly proud to have responsibility of sleeping on the outside edge and taking care for DS2.  There was a time, really only weeks ago, that I thought this day would never arrive.

Second, they are interacting with each other and others.  The boys are playing together, but also fighting over toys.  I think this is good.  DS1 is now willing to not share sometimes, which I think means he is now out of polite mode.  Also they are both more willing to make friends for the day at the beach.  Even with DS2 getting in the mix without speaking. 

Third, DS2 has finally started to run.  He was walking quickly, but I always thought it was a major step for a kid to finally trust leaving the ground for a split second and run.  He is doing it!  He chases me up and down the beach.  He runs after his brother.  And today I even got him to copy me in hopping.

Finally, DS2 has added a powerful word to his vocabulary; "mine".  It is coming from friends that are visiting us.  Their daughter is 2 and half and at the "mine" stage.  With DS1 it was  a short stage, so I'd forgotten about it, but I'm glad to see DS2 finally figure out that he can express ownership.  I would like to believe the more he understands that words help others give him what he wants, the more likely he is to speak.

The milestones sneak up.  One day I realize they are doing something I haven't seen before, but then I don't always remember what started it, or to mark the accomplishment.  But in the last 10 days, the boys have enjoyed the family time, pushed all my buttons, but still made me smile at their silliness, love and ability to grow.

Change of Circumstance

Introduction  -  I've been writing this post since Wednesday, when I was laid-off from my firm.  I wasn't sure when I'd be ready to post, but it turns out to be today.  The original thoughts are below.  Sorry, I know this is not about the kids, which is the topic I usually restrict myself to addressing, but this is a big change.

11/12/08, 3 pm 

So at 11 am this morning I was laid off at work.  The firm I've been working for is moving out of health care, and let go of about 60 people.  Some folks cried, others got really mad, I went to the gym.

I don't know, but it really doesn't feel like the worst thing ever.  I lost a job once when I didn't want to, that really rocked me.  I don't like the thought of being unemployed. I worry about those that depend on me, the boys, my family.  However, I also don't like about 49% of my job and I've been thinking for a while that Wall Street is broken.  So, what's next?  A good book, more gym time, and some serious soul searching. 

I'm 40, a bit too young to retire. But, finally old enough to be considered experienced, as in over 12 years on the Street.  I like to think so I really need something to do.  I'm not going to do anything rash yet.  In fact, I'm not even sure I'm going to let friends and family know yet. I guess that means I'll keep writing but publish this next week.  

11/12/08 - 9:30 pm 

So it occurs to me that I have been wanting to leave the Street for a few years.  I've been concerned about how I replace the income.  This is tantamount, as I am the family income.  But tonight I started wondering, how much of the income do I really need to replace?  I don't want to go back to my childhood of being aware of parental money stress, revolving bills, and strategic coupon clipping. But it wasn't that bad.  But its also not like our net wealth went to zero.  Just the income went to zero.  How long could we last on what we have?  We have a vacation planned in two weeks, which is already paid for, should I cancel it?  

The severance pay is in question, the number quoted to me today was not the contracted amount.  I'm not sweating it yet, I'll wait for the paper work to arrive.  

A couple months after I returned to work after giving birth to DS1, I received a "big" promotion to research department head.  This turned out to be a roll I really didn't want. I learned a lot, enjoyed it for awhile.   But I recognized it didn't hold my future. To get out of it, I had to switch firms.  Now just two months after returning post adding DS2 to our lives, I get the boot.  Somehow I just believe this change is going to work out better.

11/13/08  10:48 pm

Today I started telling people.  Some casual acquaintances, my best friends, my family (not DH, he heard from me within 5 minutes of the news).  Lots of people are rather worried for me, for my family.  Some even cried when I told them.  I think some of the emotion is due to more the general pent-up of emotions that surrounds everyone involved with the Street.  Some are amazingly empathetic.  

Today I had two appointments that were made weeks ago.  The first was frivolous, I enjoyed it.  The other with a health care company that didn't know my change of circumstance.  They were really supportive, and so has been everyone else in the health care industry with whom I've chatted.  Doors are opening, but I really need to think about the opportunity I've been given to leave the Street.  To redefine how I live my daily life.  Tonight, I'm rather excited about my non-Wall Street opportunities.  

The more I think about the Street, the more I realize I really don't want to go back.  I could give you a dissertation, but mutual funds haven't sent out their year end statements yet.  When people see that their funds, even if the fund is out performing the market, most are still losing money, investors will want their money out of the funds, the redemptions will come in.  As the funds pull money from the market, the market will get hit; small cap more than large cap, but all of it.  Then there will be a lack of confidence by new investors.  I really think we are continuing on a down cycle through Feb 2009, but I also don't currently see the catalyst for improvement in 2009.  Basically, I think 2010 looks better.  So if I only liked 49% of the job and I believe the environment is bad, there is little motivation to look for a near term future on the Street.

I'm sure it will take time to get my strategic health care consulting up and running, I'm sure it will take more time to get this little toy company I've started up and running.  I'm sure there will be other opportunities to consider over time.  I'm sure there will be delays and disappointments along the way,  but I've never been so excited about giving these new venture a go.  

Goodbye suits, or associated guilt for not wearing the suit daily (yeah, I sweated that as I moved into coordinates).  Goodbye 9 to 5, or in my old world the 6:30 am to 9 pm, or more recent times 7:30 am to 5 pm.  Hello to the craziness I shall now try to embrace by seeking entrepreneurial, flexible, but cash generating work.  And,  I'm not afraid of the hours if the drive is there, but I want to see the boys; that wasn't a consideration 5 years ago when I made the first big shift from massively large Wall Street firm to smaller firm.  

Hello to breakfast with the boys, and occasional lunch dates with friends.  Welcome back to passion for the task at hand.  Tonight I go to be excited about tomorrow.  And I'm concerned about trying not to set my future in stone.  And even trying not to set too many balls in motion during the holidays.  Starting to think, Hey 2009, I'm ready for you when you get here!

11/14/08 - 12:15 pm

This morning I played with DS2, as he was the first to wake, and then walked DS1 to preschool.  I went to they gym, went to Barnes & Nobles to buy a calendar book, and then came home to make a cup of tea.  Ouch, I could get used to this!  Again today the brain and spirit are running.  I've come up with a few concepts for my little toy company and have decided I'm probably going forward with a children's book as well.   I've come up with a group of people I would like to touch base with in the Health care industry.  I've embraced the concept of wearing jeans regularly!  I am happy.

Elections - late but thoughts won't go away.

OK, for ages I've thought about writing about the elections. First, I was going to write to tell everyone to vote. But, I didn't want to say who to vote for, I just think its good to participate. But, I didn't know how to write my thoughts without offending anyone.

Then I wanted to say, "YEAH!" I'm so relieved. But again I didn't want to offend anyone.

I mentioned it do DH and his usual response to my comments about the blog arose. First, "you still writing that?" Then, "well, what does that have to do with adoption?" and finally, "Why do you care if you offend anyone?". Got to love this man.

Well, I thought about it and I can't let it go. Here's the background. I am Puerto Rican. My beautiful blond-haired blue-eyed olive-skinned son knows how to say all his animals in Spanish. My beautiful jet black-haired, black-eyed, dark-skinned son, will always stand out as not the all-American look. My once-blond, now graying- haired, blue-eyed WASPy husband is becoming a minority! That makes my heart sing. I am also a semi-senior woman on Wall Street - that may qualify me as a greater minority than any thing else!

I tell my husband during a variety of "social issue" fights, he likes to call them discussions, that he'll never know what it is like to walk down the street as a woman. I understand the odd feeling of walking around a foreign country and standing out as different. I also know what it is like in Italy and Spain where I can blend, although I don't belong. And I never forget who I am; I seldom think I fit in. Hey in Idaho, where I grew up, there were no other Puerto Ricans. Now that I'm surrounded by them in New York, I am not one of them, as I lack the language and the urban experience. These are not regrets, not at all, just the facts.

One of my sons is going to walk around and realize few look like him. Frankly, I think both of them will notice this fact. Do we really want to live in a society where the majority of people believe that only white men can achieve the highest office (be it the White House or the corner office)? Do I want to live in a society where we say anyone can achieve anything, but it hasn't occurred yet? I think the empowerment of people, whatever their color, is a good thing for society as a whole. Obama offers that! Even the Latinos around me now say, hey, if a Black man can do it, then watch out as the Latinos move in.

I am not a proud American. I seldom claim to be an American. I've traveled around the world, I know what a fabulous place the US is - do you realize that less than 10% of Americans actually have a passport! I know how horrible the situation is elsewhere and I chose to stay in the US (at least for now. But, I have not been proud to claim participation in this country. I've been horrified by our international policies, and even more horrified by our domestic policies. Do you realize it is still on the books that Asian are not allowed to own land in certain states/counties - left over from the depression/immigration scares, but still on the books. I'm also saddened that the Gay Marriage votes were so opposed. Marriage is a huge commitment that is really hard and sucks in many ways, (yes, I'm happily married), yest we are willing to let immature teenagers do it but not adults in a committed relationship?

But, right now I couldn't be happier. Maybe for a while I'll be proud of my fellow Americans. Not for "overcoming prejudice" but for realizing we are in a mess, we need change and we need it now. If having a Black man in office makes people more aware of prejudice, not just the need for change, well, its a good thing!

So, Thank you for voting. I don't care who you voted for (my guy won, so no hard feelings), but you cared enough to participate, that is awesome, that is what America needs, so let's keep participating! Let's go for change. We have to offer our children something to work with, not a disaster to fix. So yeah, its about the kids! I created one citizen and sponsored a new citizen this year, and we owe them better.