Authoritative Defiant

I drafted this post three months ago, then didn't have the heart to post it. Today, I was listening to another adoption mom lament on the topic and thought, "ok, I'm not alone. Time to post that old draft". The good news is that the behaviour has improved significantly, the better news is that I expect it to continue to improve!

Old draft:
Authoritative Defiant, this phrase/term has been bouncing around in my head for about a week. The occupational/play therapist for DS2 used it in explaining her early assessment of him.

Last week, the boys were a bit late returning from a play date and were about 20 minutes late to a schedule therapy session. This created the opportunity for the therapist and I to sit down and talk freely without the boys present (I worry that the little pictures have big ears). She thinks our little China man is really smart and an impressive problem solver for a two year old - I agree. She thinks he is very demanding and really want 110% of every one's attention - I agree. She said that must be hard to live with - I agree.

But the attention demand is improving. I see more of the boys than the therapist and I believe the boys need to have time without friend or parental stimulation. Sometimes I purposely remove myself from the play to let them go with their own imagination. This doesn't mean I get to leave the room, I just pulled back, read a magazine or tidy up. My older son I will let play in his room or the living room unsupervised while I do things around the apartment. But I'm close by and he checks in often. The little man, I'm leery to leave him alone.

The other thing the therapist mentioned, and this is a good one - he's authoritative defiant; it has to be his way or he fights. I agree. But then I thought, "wow, he's so much better now than 3 months ago, I'm really glad we didn't start therapy until now." Our boy is opinionated, beyond having an opinion. He really is a tyrant, everything must be his idea, his way. I show him breakfast and he pushes it away. Everyone else starts eating and he screams out for his food. It is not that he doesn't want it in the first place, it is that he wants everything to be his idea. Even when I let him choose. For example when he needs a shirt, I open the drawer and let him pick. But once the shirt is on, he may change his mind and scream until we change it. Recently I've decided to go with the first choice and that is it. So lots of screaming and tears.

In reality, this is why we have the occupational/play therapy (updated note - it has HELPED so much!!!). To have DS2 learn the rules of play, to catch up on the language and skills most two year olds have gain via social interaction. Authoritative Defiant is a challenge meant to be handled by an equally stubborn, strong willed, and disciplined mommy; yeah, Me. Yeah, he was meant for me. Wow we have a lot of growing to do.
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Follow up - like I said things are better now. But at the time, I was just to frustrated to talk about it. But discipline consistency is the key. Not letting him have the other option, but sticking with his first choice create a week of angst, but then he got it. Sometimes I can now let him change his mind without a earthquake occurring. And we've used timeouts for when he is out of control. My older son figured out that time-outs are no fun after one or two. From then on it only took a single threat, "do that again and you'll get a time out". However for the little man, he needed about a month of time-outs to figure I wasn't going to fold. Now the threat works. But in that month, it was hard to love a defiant screaming, kicking, crying kid. Now his personality hasn't changed; he still wants it his way. However as the words are starting to come, it is easier to understand. And as he knows he can't railroad me into anything, but only has the options I outline up front, he chooses among the options and sticks with his choice. But, we have our days; both good and bad. But when I read that original post and think about the pain I was in then, we have come a long way baby!

Ideal Days

Today was generally ideal.  It could have gone better, but that would have been asking too much!

First, today is the fish market day in St. Maartin.  We took the boys and they got to see real beautiful fish, even if they are dead.  DS1 liked the exercise of which head goes with which fillet.  We picked up beautiful Mahi Mahi steaks which we cooked on the grill this evening.

This morning we made it to the zip-lines for DS1 and mommie bonding time.  With DS2 on board, I frankly get  a lot less time with DS1.  It was great. For the first 3 lines, he was scared.  They were rope ladders and climbing.  But by the fourth he had the swing of things and was really having fun.  By the fourth we were more significantly off the ground and I was starting to wonder why I thought this would be good at all!

In the afternoon we went to my husband's favorite beach, which made him happy.  It is a good beach when there is no wind and today there was none.  There were nice people sitting around us, and none of the other families minded when DS2 stole their beach toys.  DS1 tried to pee on the back of DH lounge chair, which I thought was taking laziness to a new level.  The waiters we knew from years past, which was awesome, but also made me jealous of that young unattached life style.

The boys now have the post beach bathing routine down.  DS2 had a major melt down over a juice box.  Partially my fault, but also his.  I decided I wasn't going to give it to him unless he indicated through word or gesture.  He can nod his head yes and sign drink.  But he didn't want to.  I don't think he'll talk unless I stop just handing him things, so I asked, "do you want a juice box?" DS1 said yes and took it.  DS2 stared at me.  I said tell me yes or no.  He stared.  Juice box went back in fridge.  Battle ensued.  In the end I put him in the tub with no juice box.  But when it was time to come out of the tub, he was willing to say no the first time and yes the second.  so I may feel like a meanie some times, but I think I'm dealing with a very old curmudgeon. 

Dinner was nice, out on the patio.  The new question from DS1 is "where did object X come from?"  So fish from the ocean, juice box from the factory, salad from a plant, etc.  No spotting of the tail-less lizard today, but overall a very nice day. But we did discover the island has a zoo with a bat cave, so we may check that out tomorrow.