Dog Update

So this dog walks into our apartment and asks for a home.

I work from home, and I leave our door unlocked during the day. My neighbors are friendly. the door man down stairs keeps the "bad guys" out. However that fateful day the neighbors and the doorman did not stop the dog from walking into our apartment.

The dog has diabetes. The dog's owner passed away and the dog was unregulated on his insulin for a week. So the dog is currently with the vet. However, he has stabilized and is now gaining weight back, he's back up to over 100lbs. The dog weighs more than both the Little Man and the Big Boy combined! And the dog is pure muscle, a muscular herding bread, a Rottweiler. He is not fat. His name is Bruno.

The boys went to the vet to meet with the dog yesterday. They LOVE him. We took him for a walk. The Little Man laid on the floor in front of the dog, as the dog laid on the floor, and stroked its eyebrows. The dog licked his whole face. He LOVED it. The Big Boy wants to hold the leash. the dog is just loving.

The vet wants us to think about it over night because, "it is a 'special needs' adoption". De ja vu.
At least this one is potty trained and can walk on its own. But he's still in a bit of shock and will need to time to adjust to our household - he'd been living with a single older lady with slight dementia.

Big Boy couldn't quite talking about the dog all night. Little Man walked into my bedroom this morning, crawled in to cuddle and then asked if we could bring Bruno to our home.

Updates later, on when he can join us. I need to learn to say no... next time.

checking in

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been depressed and busy. I'm going to need a bit more time before I share all my thoughts. But I will be back.

In the mean time... I went in for a physical and the blood screens came back that I was significantly low on vitamin D. The doctor put me on mega doses of vit D. I have to tell you I'm feeling much better! They say everyone north of Atlanta, Georgia doesn't have enough daylight to not be deficient, but I guess I went well beyond that. My energy is back up and I'm generally feeling better. Amazingly, although Puerto Rican, with the mega doses of Vit D make you more sensitive to the sun and in our beautiful 92 degree day, I managed to sunburn unlike I ever have before. But that's ok, it is tanning and I look like I'm back from an exotic vacation.

New Math for a New Economy

I’m a creative soul. I’m not a penny pincher and don’t live by a strict budget. However, I have regained an understanding of the value of a dollar, which I like to call down economy math.

It’s simple, less money coming in means less money to spend. So I began creatively examining expenses. Am I paying for things that I don’t need, don’t like or could do myself? Yes!

First, I decided my boys are so handsome that no one is really looking at their haircuts. No, I’m not a skilled or trained hairdresser, and I do not want to minimize the talent a good hairdresser offers, but my boys are 3 and 5. The boys have expressed no opinions about their hair whatsoever, and truth be told, I figured if I did a really bad job I would tell people, “never leave the room when your child is holding scissors.” The result, the hair is out of their eyes, no one jumped up to compliment my work, but more importantly no one has said, “Wow, that’s a bad haircut, let me recommend the person we use for my son’s hair.” Bottom line, over $30 in my pocket, no harm done, and I hope to improve with more experience.

Which lead me to my hair. Before you start to pray for me, no I did not cut my own hair, but I did start to question the >$100 spend for chemically treating my hair. I was picking up a prescription at the pharmacy and while waiting noticed there was a wide selection of products designed to use on little girl’s hair, everything imaginable: products to straighten hair, to curl hair, to color hair and then to deep condition! With my new found confidence I bought one, I took it home. I used it for the minimally recommended time, and YES, it worked fantastic. My hair dresser chastised me for using a home product, yet proceeded to give me a great hair cut. I saved >$100! Not only am I happy with my hair, I’m shocked at how much I saved.

On things I don’t like, clothing is the biggest offender. This means no blazers for a single school photo or family event where the jacket is worn for 5 minutes because the kids don’t like it. One five-minute wear of a $45 blazer is just bad value. However, a $20 ‘cool’ t-shirt that is worn a thousand times, equating to pennies per wear. Applying this to my own clothes. The nice stuff in my closet is now being worn more often to also bring down its cost per wear ration. Yes, this means I’m looking a bit nicer for preschool pickup. But, I don’t like not having somewhere nice to go, so I might as well enjoy dressing in the nice stuff before it comes completely dated. I’ve come to value cost per wear.

And our groceries have also been scrutinized. Is organic worth 2x the price if it was flown in from Tasmania? Not if I can wait till the weekend farmers’ market and support local producers, organic or not. What about packaged food? If I can’t pronounce the ingredients on the label, we probably shouldn’t eat it. Cooking from scratch is not only lowering our food bill, it is lowering our entertainment budget as the boys spend more time in the kitchen.

Staying on entertainment, we are doing more arts and crafts. Now at least when something breaks it is because it is “delicate,” not because it is another example of a “shoddy made product that cost too much for what it was.” With books and videos, I’ve started visiting our neighbors with children and enacting trades for a week. We’ve seen some fun movies and read some great books we hadn’t previously known about. And in this economy, none of the neighbors have said “no.” But unlike ‘borrowing’ a cup of sugar, we are actually trading back the books at the end of a week.

I have changed the way I look at spending. Maybe the whole family is thinking about it differently. But I am spending less on things that I don’t need, don’t like or could do myself. And, I hope to bring more income in over time, I’m not sure our spending habits will ever return.

fit in or not?

I've noticed recently my eldest loves me for what I do that "the other mom's don't do that".

At first it was pride in that I have my own company, Fierce Fun Toys, LLC. Today he was excited that I went roller blading in the gorgeous 60 degree false spring weather and happened to run into my son with a posse of other 5 year olds on scooters. Let that sink in. A posse of 5 year olds on scooters, I was nervous, would they knock me over? will I trip and they'll laugh? Nope the leader rode up and grabbed my knees and the others wanted to know how I could stand on the skates.

Later the Big Boy told me that he was proud of me, "none of the other mom's skate".

I'm glad he's proud of me. But because I'm different? That I'm not so sure about.

Bodegas

I don't know a good literal translation for this word, but it is tiny little shops run by one person (typically a very old person) which carries a little bit of everything food-wise, but not really everything as the shop may only be 10 feet by 5 feet. May be just one of lots of very specific food stuff.

We have a bodega in our life that I love. I think the old guy that runs it is Cuban. He speaks Spanish and loves my boys and I. They carry all the little food items I know from my childhood - the pastry to make pastillos (the fired version of an empanadas which we stuff with cheese, meat or guava jelly), Turron (hard nougat candy with nuts), all the canned Goya products, and plantains (green bananas to make tostones). I go in and find something new on the shelves every visit; this week I found a "tomato paste with seasoning (cilantro, etc) for cooking".

I'm pretty sure this little bodega that I love is one of two things; either a front for something, or a relic from when my neighborhood was the old West Side Story. But I go in and find new stuff on the shelves all the time. I hardly ever see another woman in the shop. It is always a bunch of old Cuban guys watching sports on a tiny TV on the top shelf and talking. So it is hard to tell, is it really a bodega or a front?

In the summer they play dominos on the side walk outside the shop. They all acknowledge me now when I walk by or stop in (the shop is on the way to the post office, so I'm by about everyday). But they only speak in Spanish, and I use my terrible Spanish grammar to chat with them, but they don't care.

They've introduced the boys to homemade coconut macaroons, pressed coconut candies, guava jelly, and pastillos. They are the only place I know where I can get the pastries for pastillos. And yeah, I buy a frozen stack of 10 about every week. Recently, with family visits and friends over, I've gone to buying two packs at a time (Special note a pack of 10 sells for $1! Where else can you buy a real food ingredient for only a $1?!).

I know this doesn't sound sexy or exciting. But the fact that this tiny shop exists. That this amazing group of old guys has accepted me and the kids and smile at us, even though I'm still not convinced they are not running numbers, makes me happy every time I visit. They are the old soul of this city. They seem in tune with my soul. And they have never questioned why me, the whitest looking Puerto Rican on the planet visits with a blond child and Asian child. Instead, one guy heads to the freezer for my pastries and the other shows the boys the latest candy in.

I love these old men. They have no idea.

Toy Fair

Sorry for not writing. I'm EXHAUSTED. I've been at Toy Fair 2010 this week/weekend, selling Normans.

It has been an awesome experience, but wow, am I wiped. There were months of planning going into this. A lot of labor, running errands, getting everything assembled in the weeks before the show. The stress of, "I invested in this, and hope and pray it will work" stress. Then my parents came in to watch the boys because, I really don't have the spare cash for a sitter, the hubby needs to help me at the show, and then he's also directing a play so he has rehearsals at night.

My parents came and helped. A complete stranger from the gym who is lovely worked the booth with me for two days, just because she could and she was awesome. The booth came together well and all the materials arrived. And yes, I can stand on my feet from 8 am set up through the 9 am to 6 pm show and then walk the 20 minutes to the subway, etc. And yes, I come home tired, not wanting to talk to a soul. But the boys want hugs and kisses and they ground me. Tonight they said they would clean up while I watched.

And, yes, the buyers showed up and it was awesome! Best sales of any show to date. Some of my friends at more established companies racked up sales in the tens, and hundreds of thousands. I think of it and hope. But for those buyers willing to buy $100 of my products, I salute you and am so grateful. My tiny little company may be tiny, our sales may be small, but I see glimmers of a greater future! And what really makes me smile at the end of the day, is I know my company can fund another cleft surgery: hopefully the first of many to come this year!

Hoping to gain Grace.

I've lacked grace, for a long time. It gets me every once in awhile; and again tonight.

I'll use tonight as an example. I have started to celebrate my favorite holiday, Chinese New Year. I know it doesn't officially start until Sunday, but part of my celebration is that we clean up each room in the house, get rid of the old, broken and unappreciated, to make room for what the New Year may bring. Yesterday we started in the boys' room. They were into it. We started in one corner of the room and went through each self and drawer. Dumping all on the floor, putting neatly back the keepers and sorting the rest. We collectively decided there are younger children who would like some of the "baby" books and "baby" toys. Not really baby stuff, but just things the boys have outgrown.

I called the Early Intervention therapist we used to work with the most. She has a lot of poor families she meets with and I knew she could find good homes for everything. She was thrilled and came over tonight to pick up the stuff and hang with the boys for a bit.

First thing she zeroed in on was my desk in the living room. I explained that we closed my husband's office so I gave up the bedroom office for him and now I'm in the living room. "why?" she asked. "Frankly, struggling with the economy and making some better choices," I responded. But I was pissed. I wanted this to be a nice visit and not about the constant state of chaos my life seems to enjoy. I wanted this to be a fun visit and the sharing of stuff.

I'm lacking the grace to let go of my anger of simple things like working in the living room. It is not a bad set up. I just wish I had more privacy. Then I start beating myself up mentally for still being angry about the economic adjustments I'm forcing my family to make because I don't want to sell my soul to the devil and continue to work on Wall Street. It made me feel bad that I even invited the therapist in.

I read recently that people need to look at their good acts as good. Look at your bad acts as bad. Don't beat yourself up for not doing as good as you hoped as long as you are still doing a good act. I think this might be part of grace. I'm hoping I find it. I'm may be still licking my wounds (not a victim, just adjusting), but I still managed to get the goods into some one's hands that can reach families that otherwise wouldn't have these books and toys. That is what I need to celebrate. Not that I lacked grace in the moment. But eventually, I might get to actually having grace in the moment.

Privacy - Theirs this time

The boys get very dry skin in the winter. I've tried everything, but the bottom line is they hate moisturizers. In search of a solution, I've convinced them that the Greek God used olive oil so they should too. Yes, after a bath, they get slopped all over with olive oil. They are cool with the routine, and overall, it does really help the dry skin issue.

So tonight we had a new twist. The Big Boy told me I couldn't put it on his "penis". First of all, I'm not sure I ever have. Second, he seems a little penis consumed at the moment. For example, tonight he laid back in the bath and informed me that his penis was the 'light house' on his island. I thought it was creative, but hey, there are some things I'm just not sure how I should respond.

Anyway, the discussion went like this,

"I won't put oil on your penis."

"I bet you do!"

"No. really I won't. You know, your penis is a private part and no one but you and the doctor really have a need to touch it."

"Really?"

"Yep, really."

Somehow I just know this conversation is going to make it to preschool. Oh, well. I try.

privacy

Ok.  If there is one thing a mother to two little men lacks, I would guess high on the list is privacy.  I'm not even talking "personal space" like time to relax or unwind, to pursue a hobby I used to have, or to pursue a hobby I'd like to have.  I'm talking traditional privacy such as going pee without someone insisting on handing me the toilet paper.  Privacy to poop without someone asking what sound it makes.  I'm talking the opportunity to place a panty liner in my underwear without explaining why mommy wears 'little diapers'.

So on a holiday week, that really feels like a holiday year of the kids in my face 24-7, there are times when I just wanted a moment.  I was trying the dreaded triple move, to shower, wash my hair and shave my legs, when I was joined by a toddler who could get off his diaper and pants, but not his shirt, who mistook shaving cream for shampoo.  Let's not even talk about tampons;  it just is too surreal.  How about enough space to blow my nose without 'breathing' on anyone coupled with the lack-of-privacy which included a request to show the 'snots'.  

Then there is also the issues of space that to me is included in privacy.  It is underrated.  I'm just talking about personal space to stand on one's own feet without someone on your toes.  To fart without explaining it.   The space to have a child sit in your lap but not 'squeeze boobie'.  Enough space to open a stuck jar without accidentally elbowing a child that believes he's just 'standing behind' you.  

So after preparing dinner with four extra sets of helpful hands that takes twice as long as usual leading to ''I'm hungry' melt downs, after washing almost all the plates less one which was dropped on the way to the sink because "I wanna help", after bed time preparation included wiping bottoms and snotty noses, I chose to run out to the store for eggs for breakfast.  In mommy speak, it was a 'privacy, space, breathing deep"  run! Even the check out clerk who knows my kids commented on my way out, "enjoy the moment of privacy".

Could I be a Type A mom?

I really have never thought of myself as a type A mom. There are so many things I really am not very good at.... the whole patience thing for one, dealing with an abundance of snot (the preschool teachers have already noted that my kids know how to blow their own noses, and cleanly), and don't get me started on potty training (I figure they'll figure it out before college).

But this week is teaching me a bit about myself. After a slight cold last week, which always pushes me down emotionally and slightly behind professionally, this week is frightening. I feel good. I have two consulting gigs - YEAH! I'm sold out of Normans and just yelled at my manufacturer as they are now 4 weeks late; supposedly they docked in New Jersey today, but if you know anything about New Yorkers, we believe New Jersey is as far as the North Pole. I have a few, but I can't make my wholesale orders! But, this is actually a good problem to have.
I'm leaving for a trade show on Thursday; this is a good one, in the Smokey mountains, in the hills of Kentucky - I'm actually renting a car and driving 2 hours from the closest airport. This show caters to; museums, zoos, aquariums, and "caves". Love the caves, I so hope I get a cave buyer just so I can say Norman is selling at "caves"!

The hubby is directing a play Saturday night, which means he's had rehearsals for the last two weeks and all this week in the evenings which lets me have the boys to myself (also read, get the kids on schedule with no major interruptions).

The sitter went to visit her mom for a week. Her mom is not well, so this is an important trip. However, after the scare last week, I think it is really important for her to reconnect with family.

The Little Man is now going to preschool from 9 am to noon five days a week and then six 45 minute therapy sessions in the afternoons on top of preschool - I must say, he's doing well and LOVING therapy! The Big Boy is in school from 8:45 to 2:30 pm. No extra curriculum activities.

So when I noticed there was a birthday party for the Big boy to attend on the east side of town (we live on the west, and frankly it is easier to get uptown or downtown than over to the east side), I started juggling to see how we could make it all happen. I mentioned to one of the other sitters, if she took the Little Man to play with her youngest charge, I could take the two older boys to the party. She informed me that while the party was for a kid in the class, neither of the boys actually played with the little girl much and it is a pain to get to the east side and back, we should just skip the party.

WOW. What a great and simple solution! And really he goes to like 50 parties a year. Have I really become a Type A parent? It is always good to be reminded that being invited doesn't mean you HAVE to attend. I have to go now, I'm going to write a thank you note to the mom who I don't know to thank her for inviting us to the party of her child whom I don't know, and that I would love to have a play date sometime and get to know them, but the party just didn't work out for us this time!

Oh, I have to find time to post on Halloween at some point. It was really fun this year. And one of the Big boys preschool teachers, a man, dressed as the King of Ferries - It works on so many levels for the NY crowd!

What a day

I've had an interesting day. One, I really have no interest in reliving.

I had just sent the boys to school with the sitter, The groom had left for the gym, I'm in my pajamas, still in glasses (not contact lenses), when the sitter calls me crying. She is laying on the ground and has been hit by a car, the kids are fine, she's in pain. I tell her to start screaming at people to call 911, and I run out the door, down the street, in my pajamas.

She was only a couple blocks from our house and a block from school. Which means, people know us. People were with her, the police were there, the ambulance was pulling up, the nanny mafia had my children a safe distance away. She was clearly in shock, and worse, intimidated and afraid of people in authority, left unable to talk.

I'm an aggressive soul, I usually have no problem telling people what to do and taking charge, but when it comes to police, they really don't want a woman in her pajamas with bad breath, who is panting from running, telling them what to do. But yeah, we marched forward and they let me ride in the ambulance even though I wasn't "family" (really we are, it's just not by blood, and boy do I understand that).

The nanny network got the kids to school. This is something us city souls come to rely on, but the nanny network is faster than twitter. Many believe there is an invisible bond between souls (a red thread), but the nanny network, it is not invisible, you need not be family, it is just there. And I've come to trust it and thank its existence more times then countable.

Thank god at the ER we got a young female Latino doctor. I think an aggressive man poking and prodding would have put her in a coma (note - my sitter is Muslin, so I thank Allah it was a woman helping her undress). Who knows what kind of rage that would have brought out in me. But the little Latino, with hoop earrings, a head band, and half my age was what we both needed.

Tonight, I'm glad it all worked out. I'm glad she is fine - no broken bones, just bruises and more bruises likely to come in the next few days. The boys are fine, they tipped over, they were the talk of preschool and want to talk about it tonight. But they are fine.

And oddly, another opportunity for me to examine the definition of love and family. blood/genetics just doesn't count.

Real Life

Today a girlfriend called and asked if we could meet tonight. Of course, I said yes. It was great to see her, but I knew she needed to talk about something. It took awhile for the issue to present itself, but guess what, it wasn't anything that I hadn't grappled with myself. But it reminded me, we are more powerful as a collective than as an individual.

I had had a "bad" day today. Just bummed about stupid stuff, nothing important, and have a girlfriend over was the catalyst to getting me to finally take a shower today at 5 pm. Yes, I know that is a bit sad, but it was rainy and cold today, and I was down about not having a Norman sell after having the best week ever last week.

I also don't mean to trivialize her concerns. They are/were real, and an important part of her life at the moment. The provided the opportunity for me to pull myself out of my own pile of insecurities. And sorry that she was used in such a way. But grateful to be used as a sounding board.

None of us walk the planet in isolation. And I think we forget it a lot. Every magazine cover, article, news reel tells us how we should be better in 20 different ways. But, every issue I've ever faced, if I talked to enough people about it I eventually found someone who had been there and could tell me, "You too will survive." It is really amazing to me how consumed I can get about my own world, but then have the startling realization that I am not the first to blaze down a path. Not the first to feel like their world is collapsing, or even not as bad, the first to feel like things are just off balance enough to not feel any level of comfort.

I listened to my girlfriend. And I am an ok listener. I'm not great. I always have trouble not offering my opinion or sharing a story of when I was in a somewhat similar circumstance. But the one thing I know, is the feelings she shared are real. I don't have to lie. Her feelings are real. And maybe that was all she needed to know.

I'm so blessed to have people in my life that will listen. I'm even more blessed to have people that need to be listened to, as they bring up the issues I may have missed.

Tonight, I just want to tell everyone to talk more. Be honest about your feelings, and I promise, even though you may have to tell more than two people, you are unlikely to be alone. If all else fails, tell me. I'm here. I try my best to be a good listener, even though I know I could be better.

Shift in Perspective

As I sat in the pizza parlor at 2:30 this afternoon having a slice, singing along to an old Donna Summers song, I thought, "Who are these other people? Do they also work from home, creating silly worlds and marketing their products? Do they have ambitions to change the world? Are they making it happen, or are they just starting out like me?

Then I realized that a year ago I would have thought, "Don't these people have jobs? Why are they here at 2:30 in the afternoon?"

It is all just a huge shift in my reality.

Mother's Day

I wanted to right something beautiful about being a mom or mom feelings, frankly, I wasn't feeling it. I tried to feel motherly yesterday; but I just felt tired. The weight of the world is a bit much lately. Its the jobs, the rent, the having to push forward daily. But I did get a solid 30 minutes of absolute joy making banana bread with the boys (video below). It is amazing how the fighting, shouting, general energy becomes focused when beating a banana to smithereens. but once the bread is in the oven, the boys were off to louder adventures.

Yeah, I love my boys. And for the first time, I was a mom to two amazing little guys on this Mother's Day. However, no romance, no out pourings of love, just another Sunday filled with trying to organize, clean up and get things done. The one major exception was Friday. My Big Boy came home from preschool with a present for me. It is a little box he pasted "jewels" on that has a picture and note from him inside. This I love. This is actually my first real Mother's Day present! And the note - "I love you mom. I love to take the garbage out with you."

Its a tough one, the "Mother's Day" holiday in general. Are supposed we to celebrate "motherhood" or just give thanks to our moms for not killing us when they had the chance? I love my mom, and she's a reader, so "hey mom, I love you, thanks for taking care of me, thanks for not killing me when you had the chance, and sorry for all the crap I put you through."

I thought about my Little Man's birth mom, and frankly no great emotions this time around. She is not one of my readers, that I know of, but a shout out to her, "thanks for not killing him when you had the chance. He's doing good, he's growing, and although he knows no better, he loves his family very much."

To my boys, on motherhood, "Guys I love you. I know I'm not the best mom. I'm not even the mom I want to be. Lately I'm so tired, I'm not even awake when I want to be. But, I'm doing my best, I don't think you'll be permanently scared. I think with time, I'll find greater balance and we'll have more fun."

To my husband, "I know you don't think Mother's Day is a real holiday. That we should not be celebrated for doing what is expected. You are an asshole, you take a lot of fun out of it. Sometimes I just I need a day."

And finally to all the moms of the world, "If we teach our children to love one another as much as we love them, we will transform the world."

Authoritative Defiant

I drafted this post three months ago, then didn't have the heart to post it. Today, I was listening to another adoption mom lament on the topic and thought, "ok, I'm not alone. Time to post that old draft". The good news is that the behaviour has improved significantly, the better news is that I expect it to continue to improve!

Old draft:
Authoritative Defiant, this phrase/term has been bouncing around in my head for about a week. The occupational/play therapist for DS2 used it in explaining her early assessment of him.

Last week, the boys were a bit late returning from a play date and were about 20 minutes late to a schedule therapy session. This created the opportunity for the therapist and I to sit down and talk freely without the boys present (I worry that the little pictures have big ears). She thinks our little China man is really smart and an impressive problem solver for a two year old - I agree. She thinks he is very demanding and really want 110% of every one's attention - I agree. She said that must be hard to live with - I agree.

But the attention demand is improving. I see more of the boys than the therapist and I believe the boys need to have time without friend or parental stimulation. Sometimes I purposely remove myself from the play to let them go with their own imagination. This doesn't mean I get to leave the room, I just pulled back, read a magazine or tidy up. My older son I will let play in his room or the living room unsupervised while I do things around the apartment. But I'm close by and he checks in often. The little man, I'm leery to leave him alone.

The other thing the therapist mentioned, and this is a good one - he's authoritative defiant; it has to be his way or he fights. I agree. But then I thought, "wow, he's so much better now than 3 months ago, I'm really glad we didn't start therapy until now." Our boy is opinionated, beyond having an opinion. He really is a tyrant, everything must be his idea, his way. I show him breakfast and he pushes it away. Everyone else starts eating and he screams out for his food. It is not that he doesn't want it in the first place, it is that he wants everything to be his idea. Even when I let him choose. For example when he needs a shirt, I open the drawer and let him pick. But once the shirt is on, he may change his mind and scream until we change it. Recently I've decided to go with the first choice and that is it. So lots of screaming and tears.

In reality, this is why we have the occupational/play therapy (updated note - it has HELPED so much!!!). To have DS2 learn the rules of play, to catch up on the language and skills most two year olds have gain via social interaction. Authoritative Defiant is a challenge meant to be handled by an equally stubborn, strong willed, and disciplined mommy; yeah, Me. Yeah, he was meant for me. Wow we have a lot of growing to do.
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Follow up - like I said things are better now. But at the time, I was just to frustrated to talk about it. But discipline consistency is the key. Not letting him have the other option, but sticking with his first choice create a week of angst, but then he got it. Sometimes I can now let him change his mind without a earthquake occurring. And we've used timeouts for when he is out of control. My older son figured out that time-outs are no fun after one or two. From then on it only took a single threat, "do that again and you'll get a time out". However for the little man, he needed about a month of time-outs to figure I wasn't going to fold. Now the threat works. But in that month, it was hard to love a defiant screaming, kicking, crying kid. Now his personality hasn't changed; he still wants it his way. However as the words are starting to come, it is easier to understand. And as he knows he can't railroad me into anything, but only has the options I outline up front, he chooses among the options and sticks with his choice. But, we have our days; both good and bad. But when I read that original post and think about the pain I was in then, we have come a long way baby!

Expectation havic

Over the course of the weekend, it seemed like one theme kept creeping up on me although, it was hard to put it all together at first. The theme was, expectations vs. reality = life. I've been examining my life a lot lately; recent big changes and my birthday have sparked that fire. Frankly, I haven't been a planner, I haven't had a direction. I have lacked a "clear" expectations of what I wanted from life, I've lacked long term goals. I know what I find unacceptable, but the rest has been pretty loose.

Over the weekend, hanging with different groups of moms, at different events/gatherings, there was discussion on "what we expected family-wise"; i.e., to grow up and have a kid, a couple kids, or a big family. Having money to pay the bills, a big house with a yard, or even a school system we could afford. I've had fantasies of running a cafe in Europe, but generally I assumed I would have children, a couple, but my "visions" or "daydreams" about that life were pretty limited to vignettes of me running around doing things with a couple school-aged kids, not babies. Pictures of us on the move.

Some of my friends had much more specific expectations; having a large family in the countryside, having beautiful baby girls with rolling curls, of not having children. None of us were planning for kids with behavioural, physical, or emotional issues. We didn't think our kids would need therapy - for anything. We didn't expect surgical interventions would be required. We didn't expect it would be so hard to parent (this is such a dirty little secret!! but Parenting, staying active in your child's life and being a good example, is not easy!)

What really struck me though was those with the clearest visions of their futures, seemed to me to be having the hardest time with the reality they were handed. And I'm not saying my friends with plans had the kids with the biggest issues, not by a long shot. It just seems the expectations were so ingrained that the failure of meeting them now appears to be a heavy burden. I also add "at this moment" because I do get that our kids, and our relationship to them, changes greatly over time.

I love my boys, I love that they are their own persons. I see DH struggle when the boys don't meet his expectations, I see me loose my mind when they are so emotional fluid that tears appear for a folded piece of paper "that should be flat!" I obviously thought parenting would be easier, maybe that is my bad expectation.

Having not carried specific/clear thoughts about what the future would bring, which I have long thought was one of my big personal weakness, may have actually brought me a decent level of happiness. Nonetheless I'm always hoping and assuming the best, still shooting for it. I don't think having a vision of a desired future is bad, it might even be the motivation needed for change. But a clear vision of reality, not bogged by disappointment vs. the expectations, is of value as well. I guess it might be healthiest if we let both reality and expectations of the future evolve over time.

Trust

You really don't know how much trust there is in a relationship until you have to rely on each other.

Today I took DS1 ice skating. It was 63 glorious degrees and I had promised him that I would take him skating before the end of winter (which is Friday), if the weather gave us a day in which we wouldn't freeze. Today was the day.

I had never been skating on ice that was covered by a half inch of water before, but that is where I learned to trust myself. To show him it wasn't bad, I did a few laps with him just watching. Did he have any problem picking me out of the crowd, you might wonder? No. We were the ONLY ones there! I guess all the other mommies got the skating out of their system much earlier in the winter and chose to hit the playground on such a glorious day. But we were also at the unknown skating rink in NYC.

I write this knowing I will offend some, maybe many. First we all tend to gather with our own kind - moms with moms, dads with dads, hippies with hippies, old people with old people, and yes, frankly it would be naive to think that we don't gather by ethnic commonality. NYC is classic in that; there is the Russian enclave in Brighton beach, there is Spanish Harlem separate for "just" Harlem, there is Chinatown, and there is the artsy Upper West Side vs. the old money Upper East Side. All this preamble to tell you I'm not a racist pig, I just know the hoods. I also like mixing it up and not staying only in my hood.

And the unknown ice skating rink in NYC is in Central Park. No not Wollman Rink, down at 60th street, where one adult plus one child, with skate rental costs almost $30, and then you get suckered into the $5/cup hot chocolate, etc. We went uptown. Up to 108th street, where the two of us and our skates only cost $20. Where there is not hot chocolate choice. Up where I heard a grandma shout at her kid, "If you keep doing that your going to get a butt whipping!" And you know why I love this city, because I can go there.

Well, with no one on the ice, we could do anything. Yes, he trusted me enough to hold my hand and try. With no one to stop us, although he did tell me he thought I would get in trouble, I took a great big orange warning cone onto the ice, had him hold on and pushed him around at a good speed. We sat and took off our skate as a hip looking Latino kid (male, 20 something) took the ice and amazed us with spins and a few jumps. Frankly I think a great male role model with which to end the day!

When we went to leave he was glowing with pride of having gave it a go, even if he wasn't "skating". He wants us to go again, liking us having "mommie alone time". I was glowing for another reason. I knew he was scared, but he trusted me, held my hand and gave it a go!

Liquid Emotions; Theirs, not mine!

I wonder, how in the world can they survive with such liquid and passionate emotions!

Today was a mess of tears and snot. First monkey one and I had been building a boat/house out of Fresh Direct boxes, paint, and tissue paper. Monkey two was happy to help with the painting. My groom watched from afar and was rather terrified of what he saw. Well painting was day one; they went straight to the bath. Day two was adding tissue paper which I explained is fragile and eventually some one is going to break it. DO NOT EXPECT IT TO LAST. I was clear. For some reason the little guy was content with gluing and didn't really play in the boat, that had now become a house that day.

Day 3 was adding cut out colored paper shapes. So far so good. Everyone working on the outside reaching in. Very little action inside.

Today was Day 4 when my little monkey made a hole in the tissue paper, which created tears in my big monkey. I promised to by more tissue paper. "Stronger one if you can find it". The two were at odds for the rest of the night. I had to separate them for bed time which the little guy would have none of. He must sleep with his big brother (yeah I see hell occurring when college comes into the scene). Then I finally get them in bed and the little guy has his flashlight, the big guy doesn't, can't find his, which leads to more tears. I can't find the other flash light, so we compromise with a dolphin "back" massager which we picked up in China which I frankly think is a thinly disguised vibrator, but yeah, he picked it out, not me!

By the time they are in bed, DH and I have already had cocktails! That bad. It wasn't that they were misbehaving, or really doing anything majorly wrong. Just an emotional onslaught of tears, which is followed by snot. It is so hard to make things "right" when you are dealing with an irrational being that has liquid emotions. Yeah, I Love them, but wow! Being four and two is just tough some days.

EBay motivated by Chinese New Year

Did you know you can sell anything on EBay? I didn't and now I'm rather excited about it!

Last weekend I started cleaning closets. Motivated by Chinese New Year. While its been too cold to drag the boys to Chinatown, I'll likely make a trip myself this week and pick up dragons, red scrolls (the ones from San Fran are already up) and other assorted Chinese New Year stuff (I also have yet to break out the dragon kite we picked up when we picked up DS2). There are a few Chinese New Year traditions I really like; (1) you must clean to celebrate the New Year so the bad spirits leave, (2) also use firecrackers or bang pots, which the boys will do at some point to get the spirits movint and (3) the house should be filled with aspicious flowers. With these, you start the year in order and attract good fortune.

I also like that Chinese New Year is a celebration for 2 weeks. The Chinese take the celebration very serious. The manufacturing shuts down and everyone heads off to be with family. Even my new toy production is suspended for two weeks as my factor is shut for the holiday. It oddly makes me happy that I'm supporting the leave for the New Year and not imposing Western scheduling. I like that there is two weeks to think about attracting good fortune and clearing out the muck.

So, I attacked the closets in the order of those that I could no longer enter. I guess you need a slight explanation. We live in a pre-war building, built in 1938. (another day I might explain the ghost of Marge, the prior tenant that I quite like) Prior to WWI, apartments in NYC had closets. During the war, it was decided that the richest people had the most closets; a tax was enacted inwhich you paid according to how many closets you had. In NYC apartment buildings built in the 20 years post WWI had no closets. Thus one of the attractions to pre-War.

We have closets; 2 in the boys room, 2 in our room, 3 in the entry/pantry and an emergency exit we have coverted into the broom closet. All are walk-in closets. When I can't walk into a closet, it is really overflowing or completely messy. Ours was a combination of both. And a DH that is unable to throw anything out, so I do it when him and the boys are not looking.

Well, it was time for the crib, the bassenet, our first stroller (with basenet attachment), a play "yard" (yeah, these were politically incorrectly called "play pens" when I was growing up), and assorted bibs and burp clothes that I thought I'd give away (Nicole expect a package). DH eyes lit up, it all went on Ebay, and today it all sold for >$1,000! I love to give things to charity, but hey, we got some folks got a good deal on some high end stuff that we abused for 2-3 years that is bringing back in about half their value, and I'm not yet bringing in an income. All good!

So, Happy New Year! And I've just listed some Gucci rain boots that I bought in a moment of peer pressure that I've only worn four times!

home again, home again, remind me why I missed it?I

I guess I was missed, because they all had shit ready to throw at me when I walked in the door.

I arrived about 1:30 am Friday night (Saturday morning) and before 8 am Saturday morning the boys were in our room. First thing in the morning, DS2 was looking at me but refused to let me touch him. Eventually he gave in to a major tantrum, that ended with me needing to hold him for the next couple hours. DH decided he is freaked out about our spending and in my opinion, poorly choose to bring up the topic just after 90 minutes of me being home and awake. Did he really think it wasn't on my mind. Did he not notice I just spent a week on the West Coast trying to start up my business. And this comes from a man who doesn't balance his check book (I'm not sure he has one, and doesn't run our bills). DS1 wanted me to take him to swim class, but I really needed to stay with DS2, so that lead to a beautiful pout for a while.

So today I spent the day cleaning the kitchen where I found four pieces of bread that were so thick with mold they looked like half a loaf. DH said, "just didn't notice". Had the wonderful opportunity to wipe DS1's butt after a couple poopies. Cleaned up the boys room, including putting away dirty clothes, and clean clothes. Decided I wanted to take back a closet, so I assembled and then took photos of our crib/bassinet, our first stroller that is beat to hell but still taking it and a play yard, so DH can list on EBay. Normally I would take them to a shelter or other charity. Right now a buck counts: that sucks.

The week away was good for my consulting business. It gave my DH a scare into what things cost and our spend. But I did miss the boys and prefer to work from the city. I feel like the house is generally in order. I'm sure DH will appreciate how I'm tying to bring in work and will bring in work shortly. But there were moments today when I was ready to run away. I'm sure tomorrow will be better. I have passion for life, I'm excited about the consulting and the progress I see in DS2. Things will get better I'm sure. If all else fails at least my period will pass and my hormones will stabilize for a week or two. So I'm hoping tomorrow is a great day back at home.