Sensitivities

This weekend we gathered with a group of families from the greater NY area that had adopted boys from China! It was fascinating to see the boys, as my eyes have become so accustomed to all the girls we routinely meet.

It was also fascinating to see as parents, and yes, adoptive parents we have so many hidden "hot" buttons. One mom was curious as to the "rudest, or least diplomatic" way that others have expressed with us about getting a boy. While I don't really mind the question, it is the answer that I typically have a hard time formulating. Yes, boys are rarer in Chinese adoptions because of their economic value in society. And our guy, pretty much was available due to a physical deformity. While his parents were unlikely able to treat his cl/cp, frankly they also faced great discrimination for it as well. I tend to believe it is the discrimination that lead to his availability to us more than the lack of ability to treat.

Another mom, with two boys, wished to call them "medical needs" not "special needs" adoptions. This one is a nuance, but let me explain. In the adoption world there is "special needs" or the "normal" non-special needs. However, in the world of adoption, "special needs" does not mean intelligence/developmental/IQ disability like it does in American society. It means any "not normal" adoption. Special needs may include, missing fingers/toes, extra fingers/toes, heart issues, small size, cleft lip/palette, physical deformities, to a variety of diagnosable birth defects, any child over the age of 2 and yes, all the intimidating intelligence/developmental/IQ issues. Sometimes I joke that we got our little man on the "scratch & dent" sale, meaning, nothing really wrong, just needs a bit of love and care. However, my joke didn't fly with this group. Here, special needs was not our children. Frankly, I call our process a special needs adoption and am happy to explain it anytime. Too many are afraid of it.

Another hot button was maternal age, as in adoptive mom, not birth mom. I find a lot of adoptive moms are older. These are women who chose this path, some like me, just by choice, but some after other options (husband, fertility, life mate) have failed. So they join motherhood a bit late. Its a tough subject. Adopting at 50, you need to feel confident you'll be healthy at 70. However, even only at 41 I know I'm not as strong, active, energized as I was at 25. However, I am smarter!

Finally, my favorite hot button; God's path. I think all kids need a home. If the home is religious, I don't mind. But my poor husband; he really HATES organized religion. Don't get me wrong, he's spiritual, whether he knows it or not he tries to live by all the basic religious principles (mostly, be kind, love one another, bring no harm). But he gets stuck in silly traditions and arcane religious rules which the average believer ignores. I'm not Godless, I'm not religious, but I do believe in Karma and an all loving God. So while God didn't "call me to this child", I'm still an adoptive mom by choice, which means, who knows why I made the choice? Really, I wonder almost daily.

Finally, there was an odd element, my beautiful blond baby was the only blond sibling along. There were siblings, some from previous adoptions, but nothing stuck out like my big guy. He is highly social, loves to play with the bigger boys. But they didn't want to include him. Was he a year or two too young? Or did the older boys get the opportunity was to bond with "kids like themselves" and just dismiss DS1? I don't know. The reason I noticed, was that after trying to get in the game with the big boys, DS1 helped DS2 out on the playground where he was more in parallel play than interacting. He loves his brother, knew we were there for him and came along although he was lamenting going to a new "play group". But I know the big kids won't be able to leave him out for long. This last week when we were out and a woman gave me an odd look for telling him, "Grab your brother's hand and let's go". DS1 noticed the woman looked at us a little funny and he walked right up to her with his brother and said defiantly, clearly, and loudly, "He's my BROTHER, he's from China." Nothing snide, or mean, just the truth loud and clear. I still have so much to learn!

It was a good group of families. I can't wait for the next meeting. But as parents, sometimes I think we are all just too thin skinned. I've said it before, parenting sucks.

A sacred relationship

The relationship between mother and son is simple. Mother. Son. But it is also complex. Mother. Son.

DS1 asked, "Who will grow to be as big as daddy first; me or my brother?" I said, "You will."

His response floored me, "You know why? Because I came first and I came from your belly." Hello! Guess we are there. He understands that his brother did not come from my belly. Yet he is still his brother. I believe we are now understanding the adoption story. WOW.

I love both my boys. But with my man that came from China, I love him, love (if that is the right word, maybe recognize with a certain level of respect and compassion) his biological parents and I love the serendipity that exists between us to bring us together. I don't love the circumstances that existed to allow us to come together. I look forward to sharing the adoption story with him and I equally dread sharing the story with him. I'm thankful for the practice I get in explaining it to others, to his big brother.

Snow day

Today was a snow day in the city. Even as I write tonight, it is snowing again. The boys were generally in good spirits today, but it is hard for them to be inside so much. It is hard for me to get them in and out off snow suits too much.

This morning we cooked in breakfast, well, DH decided he was going to cook. He started pulling out supplies, asking me where various things were, and the boys rushed the kitchen to cook. DH announced, "everyone out of the kitchen!" Like that was going to happen.

With the step ladder out, I helped the boys on with their aprons and set them up to do things DH needed for his omelet making. One obvious task was breaking eggs and DS2 showed us that he has been watching. He held the bowl in one and cracked the egg on the opposite rim of the bowl. But, then he crushed the egg in his hand once it was cracked. I tried to tell/explain/show him not to crush, but three eggs later he still had not digested the message. DS2 then demonstrated. But I honestly think the crushing action will take a bit of time to correct.

DS1 is taking swim lessons, and the place where he takes his lesson has family swim on Sundays. We all headed to the pool today. DS2 really hasn't been in a pool since China. He was intrigued and wants to follow DS1 anywhere and everywhere. However, he was a bit intimidated by the pool at first. He clung to me for the first 10 minutes. But as he looked around and saw everyone playing, and no fellow clingers, and he acquiesced into really having fun.

DS1 is swimming a good 10 feet now; as far as one breath will take him, as he hasn't figured out the breathing part. DS1 would float on his back, which he does well with no support, and DS2 would want to try. DS1 would swim and DS2 would reach out ready to try. I love the bravado, maybe that is not the right thought, but at least the inspiration that watching DS1 brings to DS2.

There was an Asian woman there swimming laps when we first arrived. She stopped and watched me with DS2 for quite some time. I was tempted to try and chat with her, but I didn't. Trying to have an informal chat quietly is impossible in a public pool with a child splashing in your arms. I don't know what she thought or why she chose to watch. I'm going to assume it was because I look so awesome in my swim suit and DS2 and I's skin color matches so well. It is not often that I feel like we are drawing any significant attention beyond what cute kids draw, but there was a story in this woman's look. A story that I don't know.

And one more new step for DS2 today, he really enjoyed taking a shower with me after the swim. So far he has been content to watch me shower. He does love the bathtub. He also has had a shower or two with either DH or I holding him, but he till now has been very reluctant (screaming) that we do not put him down in the shower. Today, he was willing to let my body block the water and reach around me to touch it. I was surprised, but when I turned it off, he asked for it back on.

These are all simple things, breaking (really crushing) an egg, stepping up to the pool challenge and accepting a shower. But his willingness to try has improved. He didn't even have to be cajoled from screaming and tears to participation. He needed slight cajoling on the pool, but there were no tears involved. I'm amazed at the progress. So often I feel like the progress is minimal, but then there is a day like today where I wonder how long this child has been waiting to reveal himself. We are getting there.

Sibling view of Speech Therapy

DS1 is very aware that DS2 is receiving a lot of therapy. His view of therapy is that there are a few big people that come over regularly to play with DS2. But, I tell him, instead of just playing with DS2, they are trying to make him say words. Is he jealous? It is hard to tell, but I think a tiny little bit.

He may creep in the room to see what is going on during sessions. I'm even letting him sit in a bit if DS2 doesn't want to cooperate. This actually works well because if DS1 does what the therapist asks and gets a high-five or treat, then DS2 is more likely to do it as well. Yesterday as the therapist was leaving she gave me instructions on what sounds to work on and that she would like me to put aside a few toys in a box that DS2 is only allowed to play with during speech therapy. I said sure.

The minute the therapist was out the door, DS2 wanted to know if this box of toys would be new toys. I explained that we could use some of DS2's old baby toys. He then proceeded to pick out what should go in the box and what should be our box (a big green dish). DS2 knows I'm anxiously waiting for DS1 to talk. We talk sometimes about the importance of therapy so DS1 can play better and more with him. He seems enthusiastic about the process.

But it is hard to have your brother get so much attention. It is hard when the therapist bring a new toy with them to capture his attention, but then leave with the toy such that DS2 doesn't get to play with it. It is hard that it is cold outside so DS2 is generally in the house during the afternoon sessions. But DS2 is not daunted; he has even started telling me and the therapist which words he would like DS2 to learn.

But really, wow. Both boys are handling it well and learning the new routine. I think we'll be sailing much smoother on this front in a couple more months, but it is nice that everyone is pulling for DS1 and that he really is interested in trying to learn.

Really Back - part 3

So I hate being sick.  It is not just the sickness itself, its that I feel I should avoid others -  I don't want to contaminate them.  I avoid the family, which totally sucks. I avoid friends and I don't  even  want to be in public.  I feel like I have super-powered cooties and anyone with in 30 feet could become as ill or worse than me.  So yeah, when I'm sick, my sense of reality becomes distorted.

The distortion usually turns depressing; I start to think my life sucks, I've accomplished nothing, built up everyone's hopes and now am under amazing pressure to do something.  I wonder why I ever married or had children, all these people I can disappoint.  I wonder why my friends aren't calling, but I'm also not picking up the phone when it rings.  I don't think any of this is rational, but when I'm really sick, I also miss out on how irrational I'm getting.  It really is an ugly side of depression mixed in with a few pharmaceutical hallucinations.  

This time around, the anxiety that came with the first antibiotic was unlike anything I had experienced before and had me in tears a lot.  I was so releeved when the nurse came and took my blood pressure a second time because she just didn't believe the jump it had in 48 hours.

But, I'm am up and about.  Saturday a cloud lifted out of my head.  Although I still had a dull headache and sinus pressure, I could feel the "sickness-induced" depression moving off.  By Sunday, I was up and about, having a normal day; took boys to fire station in the morning to drop off cookies, at which DS1 decided to throw up (can't make this stuff up), then home to friends joining us for brunch (DS1 totally fine the rest of the day), lots of play, a walk in the park next door (DS1 on his bike, DS2 in stroller napping) and a friend over for afternoon play date, then bath, video, sleep.  

Today, a "work" day.  I feel good.  Still about 5 more days of antibiotics, but I"M ALIVE!!

The boys constantly have runny noses, DS1 currently has a snot-induced cough at night.  But they seem to plow through these things and keep up their schedules.  I was wiped out.  It was unexpected, and most unwanted.  I didn't even get them to Santa, which DS1 has asked for.  I told him Santa is now recovering from his big night at the beach, so DS1 is now pleading that we return to the beach, oh it makes my heart cry on a cold day in NYC.  

In the last two weeks, the only thing accomplished was getting our insurance up and running for DS2's surgery tomorrow morning.  I did put together a Santa gift, but DH wrapped everything.  I even bought store made cookie dough for the Santa cookies on Christmas Eve.  I did manage to remember to buy carrots for the reindeer and talk one of the young wonderful doorman we have into stopping by to tell DS1 that he left the roof door open so that Santa could get to the elevator.  All of which went over very well.

The boys have amazed me, by just going with the flow; and playing more together and/or more respectfully of one another daily.  When it snowed, DS1 kept shouting for DS2 to jump in the sled.  They loved being pulled around the carpeted hallway, but as the photos show, being pulled in the snow itself was a bit scary for DS2.  They are mostly sharing their Santa toys, although they were given specific gifts.  They can now both play with cars, trucks or train sets together with minimal intervention needed for "mine" issues.  And when older kids are over to play with DS1, DS2 seems to get it.  He plays with them, but then he comes to me to do something different.  And this is still with limited vocabulary and hearing that is marginalized.

There is love between them.  It is amazingly pure.  It humbles me.  Sometimes I suck so much.  Like when I'm sick laying in bed, hating myself for ever having children in the first place.  But we will all get through it, we were brought together for some reason, and maybe someday we'll know why.

Birth Order, Parental Exposure

The first time you see fireworks, it is like WOW. The second time it is cool.

So DS1 got to be fireworks for us. DS2 gets to be cool, but seen some of this before. It is not that the milestones and growth observed is not exciting, its just not as fresh as seeing it for the first time. There is also a slight element in that I'm still getting to feel like DS2 is my child, which makes the observations just a slight bit more emotionally removed as well.

I love both boys. At the moment DS2 is a moody 4 year old and DS1 is approaching his five month anniversary with us. I would say I love them both about 75% of the time. This is clearly when they are sleeping, when they are with the sitter, and about 2/3rds of the time they are with me. Is this harsh? I don't know. But does anyone really love a 4 year old in the midst of a moody tantrum when they insist they are only going to take "blue" flavored medicine although snot is running down their entire face? Does anyone really love a kid at the moment they are trying to bite you because you took them out of the beloved bath tub? In those moments, you parent, but love is not gushing forth.

Also I'm the disciplinarian of our household. I announce bedtime. I chose the time for cutting off juice and switching to water. I'm the one that insist that "no feet on the dinner table" is a must have rule I'm not willing to bend. I'm also the one that enforces time outs for bad behaviour. So as the bad guy (or disciplinarian) I tend to put up a little wall from time to time to get things done. Without this wall, hearing "I don't like you", would really hurt. Without this wall I would be raising heathens. With this wall, I have to limit doting on the kids to when appropriate only. This discipline is parenting.

I do love the boys, but parenting sucks. I was recently hanging with someone and they said, that although my boys were daring and fun, they really had no interest in having children of their own. Then they added, "I hope you are not offended". My response, "Not offended at all, I'd encourage you not to have children if you don't want them, the work is tiring, depressing, and required. Playing with the kids is fun, hugs and kisses are fun, but parenting is such a downer. And your life changes, no more free time, no more unattached travel, no more fun late nights followed by sleeping in, no more 2 hour dinners." Looking back, there are some parenting things I enjoy; planning and executing a birthday party, exploring new things with the boys, be it a museum or just finger paints, watching them enjoy themselves, like on the beach or in a fort, all are very cool. So parenting is not all bad, just more than I expected prior to having children.

Two is harder than One

I was trying to get the boys out the door the other day, I think it was for preschool, or something where we had a deadline, really needed to be on time and they started to fall apart. It was all stupid silly stuff, "I want my polar bear gloves", when I couldn't find them, resulting in tears and the in ability of DS1's brain to connect with his feet. Then DS2 wanting to be held while I'm trying to get DS1's shoes tied. Anyway, it reved up into a tear fest for both boys and me just trying to get shoes, sweaters, coats and stroller out the door.

It is easiest to pick up DS2 and man-handle him, as he weighs less. So on with the clothes, into the stroller, on to DS1. DS1 is good with following instructions, but if DS2 is screaming, he also becomes emotional. Finally, I couldn't take the screaming any more, I reached over put my hand on DS2's mouth and said directly to him, "stop screaming, we are going out, and you really don't need to be screaming". I removed my hand and he stayed quiet. I pulled DS1 into the back of the stroller and as I was buckling him in, I thought wow, it is so much easier with one. Wow, will DS1 think we treated him like that when he was a baby? Because, frankly, we didn't. There was less to do with one, more time, greater patience. Then the guilt hits that each kid gets different treatment.

Its a birth order thing. I'm sure if we had three kids I'd be even stricter and by four I would be running a military operation. I'm a second child. I've never minded being the second child. As a second, the first is always there, so you know no difference. My husband is a first child. He remembers resenting when his younger siblings arrived. He knew he got less time and attention. But now I more closely see what he saw. It is obvious.

When I'm with only one of the boys, it is less stressful, with either one. They are different, they are motivated by different things. DS1 responds to rewards, "if you do X you get a star". DS2 responds to threats, "If you don't put your coat on I'm going without you". With only one in tow, I can work easily with the kid, neither of us find it too stressful. We can have fun. Sometimes I even get more creative, like "if you don't put your coat on the cold police will stop you from going outside", or "if you have your coat on we are more likely to see the cold bird that lives in the tree tops and creates the cold".

However, I do like going out with both boys. But it is more stressful trying to maintain the schizophrenic positioning to get them both moving. Sometimes, they are well rested, in great moods and it is easy breezy! Sometimes, I leave the lobby with two strapped in, but tearful kids.

Quick Hello from St. Maartin

So we are here; in 90 degrees of glorious warmth.  The crickets, or frogs, are chirping.  The boys are already in bed.  We finished a bottle of wine.  And I feel like all the assholes in the world are surmountable!

Tonight, I let the boys watch a little Wallace and Gromit.  If you don't know it, it is awesome British claymation.  There was a chase scene playing and I was sitting across from the boys watching them as they watched the video.  DS1 was giggling with his eyebrows arched in wide arches.  DS2 was watching with eyebrows in upside down "v"s as if he was thinking, what is this idiocy.  I thought wow, how much they will learn from each other in the years to come as they start sharing their perspectives on the world.

I also marvel at the comparison of third world travel to not.  We are in our villa with wi-fi, lizards running by, but clean floors, working refrigerator and air conditioning, real air conditioning.  The boys are sleeping in one bed together, which DH and I pulled of the box springs to the floor, just in case anyone rolls out.  I think if they find a lizard, we'll hear about it.

DS2 was a struggle all day of travel.  He wasn't really "bad" just fussy and wanting to be held the whole time.  I think there are fears in an internationally adopted child that are hard to address.  His last plane trip, was his exit from China.  And here we are bringing him to another interesting, but vastly different place again. New smells, new foods, new language.  No wonder he wants to be held.  However, he seems to have no problem flirting with the French women!

It is also interesting  to be on vacation while unemployed.  I'm too sensitive to cost.  Frankly, the more I focus on it, the poorer I feel.  Which means I need to be wise to a budget, but not so intense as to suck the fun out of it.  However, tomorrow to the grocery store, which I love here.  It has all these brands I don't know, but enough for the boys that I do know.  And to the beach, to bring color back to this Puerto Rican soul.  Yeah, sun screen for the boys, and a shirt for DH.

The Odd Question

The questions come from DS1 when I least expect them.  Tonight, "when will he stop being Chinese?"  

I was wondering where this even came from, but I think I know.  Today I picked up DS1 from pre-school and took him out to lunch and, the most exciting thing, to pick up a water filter for the refrigerator.  He told everyone we were going for the filter.  I'm constantly amazed at what the boys find exciting in our daily lives.  Well, after school we stopped by this little pizza joint; the kind that are 20 feet long but only 8 feet wide.  There we ran into one of his class mates and her mommie.  The little girl was excited that next week they are going to "Kazakhstan to get a little brother."  Zander was happy to share that he got a little brother in China.  This is a conversation that I couldn't have made up, the kind of crazy unexpected thing that makes me happy we live in NYC.

This evening we were all playing, and I was feeling sorry for myself, thinking I hate the stuff coming out of my mouth; please don't throw the toys, don't step on your brother's head, don't bite me, be nice, do you want to go to bed right now?  But we also have fun - or at least flashing moments of it!  

Well, DS1 typically comes out of the tub first.  I dry him, dress him and then DS2 is ready and wants the same attention.  We are passed screaming every time I take him out of the tub (YEAH!) and now he even pulls the plug for the water when asked.  So tonight DS1 was watching my dress DS2 when I commented that it is ok for DS1 to wear short sleeves, because he stays under the covers, but for DS2, I put on the full warm sleep suit because he still kicks the covers off.  I mentioned that this suit used to be DS1's.  This of course prompted, "when will DS2 be big?"  Me, "Well, over time as he eats, by next year the suit will likely not fit." I thought I heard, "When will he stop being tiny?", so I said "he's not tiny, but he is smaller than you."  To which I was then more loudly asked, "No, when will he stop being Chinese?"

Kind of threw me for a loop.  "Honey, he's going to be Chinese forever.  It's like you are a boy, he's a boy and I'm a girl.  You are going to be boys and I'm going to be a girl, forever".  Hopefully the transsexuals will forgive me for the presumption.  This answer was good enough, no more questions emerged.  But wow, what a question.

Siblings

Daily I have a thousand and one thoughts about sibling relationships. Here's a few of the biggies; How do I foster love between them? How do I make sure each is getting what they need? How do I treat them the same when they are different? Am I making one do more than the other? How aware of one another are they? How aware of one another should they be? Who's going to do what, be what, need what?

I thought this series of photos was telling. First, in complete parallel play. Doing their own thing, but aware of each other. The second, still parallel play, but in the kitchen with me while I'm cooking. Here it tends to be more interrupted and interactive; they both like to get involved in what I'm doing. And Finally, the influence; if you can do it, I can too!

While most all of my friends have very different relationships with their own siblings, but want the same thing for their own kids - for them to like each other and have a "close" relationship. But I'm still in the stage where we would be happy if the kids would just not scratch/bite/pinch each other. And yet, I have a feeling we'll graduate to hitting and real torture by the teen years.

We have only been a family of four for three months, so I'm not sure what to expect. But DS2 is clearly enamored with DS1; he wants to do everything his big brother does. DS1 is very aware of DS2, but wants he needs his separate time to do big boy things. DS1 is mostly tolerant of the need to share, very vigilant on any safety issues and generally great about it all. I do worry that all of us tend to talk a bit about DS2 while he is with us, as if he couldn't understand us, because he's not speaking yet. However, given how short their memories are at this age, I'm hoping I'm not causing any therapy needs for DS2 down the road. But at the same time, he is hearing about the orphanage and adoption issues from the get go as DS1 tries to work it all out.

Now that I have two children, I won't say they are opposites of each other, but it becomes hard not to compare them a bit. One is more musically oriented. One is more physically coordinated. But on some things, I think I'll just need more time to see them develop - for example, I'm not sure which one will be more verbal, imaginative, or independent quite yet.

Are we setting a good example? DH and his brothers talk on the phone regularly. I love it. They talk politics and sports. Is this the stuff that keeps them close? Are they really informed about each others lives? I don't know, but they are talking and calling which is a sign that they are close. I don't call my brother. But I do like to see him when the chance emerges. I guess we are not close, but there is also nothing really in the way, which is good. I guess we aren't the worst examples for our boys. I have no idea if they will be close? Yeah, as kids they have friends in common, but will they call each other as adults. It will be a long time in waiting for this answer.

The Evolution of Siblings

There has been a seismic shift in our household in the last two weeks.  I've almost been afraid to write about it but, today I'll share.

About two weeks ago DS2 finally figured out it is better to hand out in bed with DS1 then to have to go to bed in our room by himself.  The first time, I had put him to bed with DS1, but as usual he came walking out.  I told him, "Hey, you really want to sleep by yourself? You'll be alone, you'll cry and we'll all be sad."  He shook his head at me and then turned and walked back into the bedroom with DS1.  

Then he slept through the night.  

Since then, he goes in for the bedtime story, then lays down and hangs out till he falls asleep.   DS1 tends to fall asleep with in 10-15 minutes.  DS2 hangs out, pretty quietly, chills, doesn't get out of bed, but may not go to sleep for 25-30 minutes.  

This shift, took so much stress out of our lives.  First, I could let go of the guilt associated with making him cry until he fell asleep.  Then DS1 shifted his thoughts.  Some how DS2 moved from "pet" status, which included all sorts of comments to me, along the lines of, "what is my brother doing?", "what does my brother want", and "my brother doesn't like his cookies, can I eat them".  To "sibling" status. I first noticed it a couple nights ago in the bathtub.  I was giving the boys shaving foam with which to wash.   DS2 rubbed it on DS1's back, and DS1 asked, what is that.  I told him, he didn't mind and let DS2 continue.  After a few minutes, DS1 put cream on DS2.  True interaction.  The next night I came home from work and they were pretending to be in a boat together, with DS1 shouting instructions - i.e., lean this way, that way, row.  DS2 shouting back.  Then last night they were watching the 15 minutes of video before bedtime story.  DS2 had wandered down the couch and DS1 said, "hey, DS2 move down here so you can see  better".  

I know these examples may not seem like much, but it is so tangible.  It has changed how we all function.  There is a new understanding between them.  Even without DS2 speaking.  There is less tension at bed time, and this is huge for DH as well. I'm worried about his lack of speech, DS2 that is, and he continues to impress me with his maturity.  

Photo note: thought you'd like this one of our bike ride last weekend when both boys fell asleep in the wagon.  It's not happened before.  Usually they stay awake chatting and looking at stuff,  But this time we wore them out.

Too many theories

Pavlov Dogs - ring a bell, feed them, repeat like 50 times, then ring a bell and they will drool with or without food.

Dogs/shock - sound buzzer, give the dogs and electric shock, dogs jump over wall to other side of pen, after the first time, sound buzzer, the dogs jump.

I didn't do these experiments, I just remember reading about them.

_______________________________________

The boys were pathetic this weekend. It was beautiful and sunny, so we spent a lot of time in the park, bike rides, and the zoo. Yet, my emotional little souls were whiney and clingy all weekend. During one beautiful meal, on the side cafe of a totally casual resturant, DS1 spit water out a straw at me, and DS2 kept crying to be feed, but then also chose to spit his food out, again, and again, and again.   So me shouting, me giving time outs, even had DS1 sitting on a milk create outside the cafe at one point. 

By Sunday late afternoon, instead of the usual 20-30 minute bath at 7 pm, I put the boys in the tub at 6, told DH to make me a martini, and like DS1 said when I finally told them to get out of the tub... after a long time, "our toes look like raisins".  In my defense, I did get a few things done while they were in the tub.  The both got hair cuts, a draining of the tub to wash the hair out and a refill, as well as brushing their teeth.  And kept adding warm water to the tub. But I also finished my martini.  Today, as I write this, I wonder if I should drink and cut their hair at the same time? Yesterday, I didn't care.

But here's the question, I'm big into positive reinforcement. We do lots of high fives, chats about what a good boy(s) they have been, etc.   But I'm still forced to the warnings, time outs and tears (by them) over their melodramatic, oscar worthy behaviour when I tell them "no" or ask them to modify behaviour; as in "no, I'm not going to buy you a six foot tall stuffed polar bear", "please keep your pant on", "no biting", "honey please don't lick the display case", "please keep your feet in the stroller", "no feet on the table", "please don't do head stands on the concrete" - these are all actual things I said this weekend.   The book and parenting magazine experts all say that positive reinforcemnt is more effective than negative consequenses. I'm not totally sure.

How DS1 views adoption

On the play ground shortly after we returned from China, I meet one of DS1's friend's older sister. She's 7. She didn't believe DS1 had a brother and came to check him out for herself after DS1 had told her he was there.

She informed me, "He's adopted, his face is not like yours". I said "yes, he is adopted, he is DS1's brother and we all have different faces." She was cool with that. DS1 was happy with that response. However, this made me think that while I had told DS1 we were adopting, I wasn't sure I had told him that he himself was not, and the "blended family" approach is something I might need to give him ammunition on. But what do you tell a 3, almost 4 year old?

So, we had a talk. I only wanted to explain basics and not give more information as necessary. But I also want him to have the ammunition necessary to explain things to friends or on the playground. I told him he grew in my belly. That all babies grow in some one's belly, specifically women's, bellies. That DS2 grew in his mommie's belly in China. However she wasn't able to take care of DS2 and asked us to help out. We did so, because we wanted another child in the family. Now he is my son, his brother. That they happen to came from different women's belly's, but that we were a family now. He had no questions. He just wanted to know who else we were going to play with that afternoon.

A week later we went to a karate introductory class, without DS2. We were a bit early, and the teacher was trying to make small talk with him, which if you have ever tried to make small talk with a 3 year old, is an interesting task. He asked DS1, "what did you do this summer? "
"I got a new brother."
"Did the stork bring him?" the teacher asked.
"We got him in China" stated matter of factly.
"Wow."
"I'm from China too!" says my blond-haired blue-eyed son.
"Really?"
"Yes, but I came first!"

Given he's starting preschool, I'm sure more questions are to come. I'm trying to bring it up once a week or so, just to see if there are any questions.

Sunday night he surprised me and asked me why DS2 blows his nose a lot. I hadn't expected to discuss cleft lip/palate this early, but I jumped in. I reminded him that DS2's mommie in China need help taking care of him and one of the reasons was that DS2 had a hole between his mouth and nose. That made it hard for him to eat. I further explained that most of the hole has been fixed. However, DS2 blows his nose sometimes because there is still a little hole in there and he is cleaning it. Going for the boy approach, I explained that if we feed DS2 spaghetti bolognese, we might get some red sauce out his nose. This lead to an interesting discussion of the rest of bath time talking about different foods we could give DS2 to make different colors. Of course, DS2 was there for the whole discussion and didn't seem to mind.

To Siblings

It is interesting to watch siblings interact. There is some interaction already, and I'm sure there is much more to come. DS1 knows DS2 was adopted and he was not, but he doesn't know what it means to be adopted, or not, which to me makes it feel like they are more brothers to each other than anyone gets. How was that for a run on sentence. They are both young, so I'm looking forward to having a front row seat to watching the relationship grow.

DS1 loves DS2. DS2 loves DS1. There is jealousy both ways, but there is also compassion. For example, I often find DS1 reaching out to DS2 when I am not looking, touching, making faces, tickling. I even saw DS1 push DS2 away from the edge of the couch to the middle, and while ds2 gave him a dirty look, he didn't cry. When ds1 falls/trips and needs to be hugged until the scare is over, ds2 totally allows this and doesn't make his usual jealous cries. DS1 is intrigued to feed DS2 on occasion, but also fearful of the possibility of a flying food item. DS2 doesn't want to share his food, but is cool with DS1 eating anything he has deemed not to his liking. While sorting clothes, DS1 has told me which ones are too small and should go to DS2. Additionally, DS1 likes to point out when DS2's pants are falling off; which happens as the kid is wearing 6 month bottoms and 2T tops! DS1 tells daddy when he is doing something with DS2 different than the way mommie does it; and even told on dh when DS2 touched his poop in midst diaper change with DH. Also if DS2 throws something more than 2 times, DS1 picks it up and tells me not to give it to him again; I love that he is showing we all need discipline!

I see the modeling, DS1 trying to teach DS2 many things. Also DS2 loves watching and following DS1 as he does anything. Then there is the modeling of DS1 now with a stuffed animal, or imaginary pet, with him most of the time, that needs him to take care of it. The boys are only 18 months apart, so I think their ability to reach similar interest at the same time will grow as DS2 learns English and catches up developmentally.

I watch and wonder what my interaction with my brother was in childhood, if any? My brother and I are four years apart. He was the first born son in a Puerto Rican household, so I think there was performance pressure on him. With the age difference and the sex difference, given he's a boy and I'm a girl, I just don't think we ever played together as much as my boys will. DH has two younger brothers that were twins. Again oldest sibling issues, performance pressure and then the twins had each other. I know from the stories they tell and the time we spend with one of them, that they were and are still closer than me and my brother. However, in the last few years, my brother has re-entered my life. Previously he just wasn't there - nothing went wrong, we were just in different places; he's married with four kids, so yes, busy. We've had different interest and lived 3,000 miles apart. But in the last couple years we have become geographically closer, and then my parents just moved closer to both of us, so I'm a little excited that as I watch my boys enjoy their sibling nature, that I too now have a bit more opportunity of interaction with my own brother. He's actually an interesting/fun guy when I connect with him.

Well, you never know where writing will lead you!