New Family Member

I like to think it is one bird we are feeding, but the reality is there are a ton of birds that all look alike and the way they are going through food without gaining notable size, we are feeding more than one bird.

I think of it as one bird, because it seems friendly, I like keeping it personal. For him its like sitting in the window of a fast food joint. You get the food but you also get the view. He is happy to eat and then checks out the craziness of our household. Recently, I've even noticed the bird popping over to the boys window and looking in, as it is the window next to the kitchen. But it didn't start this way.

I'm a firm believer that nature, even in the big bad city, can be loved and appreciated. Normally in the Spring the Big Boy and I force bulbs in our widows. But this year we didn't; (a) my favorite bulbs are pricey, (b) and most likely more (b) than (a), I wasn't confident that the Little Man would allow the bulbs to grow without trying to drink the water. So I got to thinking maybe we should have a bird feeder.

First, I started looking all over the city for something you can hang out an apartment window. This went no where. So then I went to our porter, or as the boys call the great group of young men that make a huge impact on my daily life, "the doormans". They didn't know of anything but said they would keep their eyes open. Then one day my mail arrived with a bird feeder catalog that was clearly meant for one of my neighbors, but the 'to' address had been blacked out by a marker.

This was a great catalyst. It was an amazing catalog, with more bird feeders than one could ever imagine, from hundreds of dollars to the little <$20 bird feeder with suction cups that was perfect for our situation. And I optimistically also ordered a 5 lb bag of bird food.

The first hanging attempt was fun, the suction cups didn't stick. So we all spend 30 minutes cleaning a window as it was a ceremony and no rush. Of course the second attempt didn't work and this time I dropped it and we all had to run outside to retrieve the feeder before it disappeared from the side walk; this is after all still NYC. Finally, I rigged a simple string to the window and it just hangs. If it is really windy I try to remember to bring it in, but its held its own really well so far.

We had it up for several days with no bird sightings. Well, how were they supposed to find it up a couple of stories on a huge building? I devised a plan. Every evening, around 6 pm, the boys and I started taking bird seed to the side walk just below our window. There also happens to be a bus stop there, so everyone was enjoying the routine (NYers are generally friendly). Pedestrians would avoid our piles as the Big Boy would work on number skills counting our "customers" and the Little Man would work on keeping a distance so the birds didn't go "Bye Bye".

Then about two weeks ago I went charging in the kitchen and scared a bird away on accident. My heart sung! We have been found! We stopped putting the food on the sidewalk and only on the window, and YES, the keep coming.

The birds have become accustomed to the ruckus that I call home. They now sit better and don't immediately leave when we walk in. Sometimes I'm cooking right there at the window and a bird will sit and watch. The boys are ecstatic to say the least. They are city kids, but they are understanding that we can still take care of nature and be given an amazing interaction in return. Of course, I'm waiting for the downstairs neighbor to start complaining about poop.

Introducing Norman PhartEphant!

Introducing Norman PhartEphant –

It was either an Idea Whose Time Had Come, or
I’m having a mid-life crisis!

Inspired by my boys, a desire to contribute to the world, and the need to have more fun in my own life, last September, the idea of Norman PhartEphant and my desire to "give back" merged into a company; Fierce Fun Toys.

By October, a “Norman” prototype was in production. In November, my Wall Street firm hit the auto eject button on my seat, and by December the makings of a real, although single-product-company, had amassed. This March, the first production run passed the newly enacted CPSIA toy safety standards. After an ocean voyage from China, Norman PhartEphant is here! So, essentially the rumors are true;

I left Wall Street to work with
a Farting Elephant,
Norman PhartEphant.

Norman PhartEphant is a 10 inch plush toy who offers eight different fart sounds with a squeeze of his tail! I'm not kidding, he really farts! While he is a great gift for the 3-10 year old crowd, there have been early reports of father's ordering their own and shipments have been sent to the grandparent crowd. Norman PhartEphant is a great gift for the person who has everything!

About Fierce Fun Toys – Fierce Fun Toys LLC is a philanthropic for-profit company with a portion of our proceeds supporting children's charities. To learn more of our charities, or the Norman story, visit www.PhartEphant.com.

Because I’m on unchartered ground, starting a business, raising awareness, I'm reaching out for your help!

• If you blog - Post a link to this! Tell your friends about this awesome gift your kids, your friends and even your parents will love!
• If you are on Face Book - search for Norman PhartEphant and become a "fan". He'll then keep you in the loop on his adventures!
• If you need a gift - visit www.PhartEphant.com and buy a Norman, or Norman gear!
• If you need a giggle - visit www.PhartEphant.com and enjoy the animation and hear a couple of the farts!
  
• If you want to win a FREE Norman - visit www.PhartEphant.com and enter the drawing for Norman on the Contest page.

Trust

You really don't know how much trust there is in a relationship until you have to rely on each other.

Today I took DS1 ice skating. It was 63 glorious degrees and I had promised him that I would take him skating before the end of winter (which is Friday), if the weather gave us a day in which we wouldn't freeze. Today was the day.

I had never been skating on ice that was covered by a half inch of water before, but that is where I learned to trust myself. To show him it wasn't bad, I did a few laps with him just watching. Did he have any problem picking me out of the crowd, you might wonder? No. We were the ONLY ones there! I guess all the other mommies got the skating out of their system much earlier in the winter and chose to hit the playground on such a glorious day. But we were also at the unknown skating rink in NYC.

I write this knowing I will offend some, maybe many. First we all tend to gather with our own kind - moms with moms, dads with dads, hippies with hippies, old people with old people, and yes, frankly it would be naive to think that we don't gather by ethnic commonality. NYC is classic in that; there is the Russian enclave in Brighton beach, there is Spanish Harlem separate for "just" Harlem, there is Chinatown, and there is the artsy Upper West Side vs. the old money Upper East Side. All this preamble to tell you I'm not a racist pig, I just know the hoods. I also like mixing it up and not staying only in my hood.

And the unknown ice skating rink in NYC is in Central Park. No not Wollman Rink, down at 60th street, where one adult plus one child, with skate rental costs almost $30, and then you get suckered into the $5/cup hot chocolate, etc. We went uptown. Up to 108th street, where the two of us and our skates only cost $20. Where there is not hot chocolate choice. Up where I heard a grandma shout at her kid, "If you keep doing that your going to get a butt whipping!" And you know why I love this city, because I can go there.

Well, with no one on the ice, we could do anything. Yes, he trusted me enough to hold my hand and try. With no one to stop us, although he did tell me he thought I would get in trouble, I took a great big orange warning cone onto the ice, had him hold on and pushed him around at a good speed. We sat and took off our skate as a hip looking Latino kid (male, 20 something) took the ice and amazed us with spins and a few jumps. Frankly I think a great male role model with which to end the day!

When we went to leave he was glowing with pride of having gave it a go, even if he wasn't "skating". He wants us to go again, liking us having "mommie alone time". I was glowing for another reason. I knew he was scared, but he trusted me, held my hand and gave it a go!

Classical Music; Love it or Leave it

I don't know how many households have debates on what music to listen to, but our does. In the end its all classical and jazz. I same my stuff for when DH is out of earshot. My husband is a former classical trombonist, yes, there is such a thing. Unfortunately in addition to having a much larger vocabulary than me, he also knows all things musical. Hum three notes and he'll name the symphony, who was the director when it first debuted and whether it offers an interesting horn line or not.

I on the other hand know all the words to very few songs (twinkle, twinkle, ABCs and Silent Night first verse) let alone the extended tunes for several movements that span an hour's time. So I am submissive, I let him play his "vinyl" which consist mostly of classical and jazz.

The boys don't mind, and honestly I don't really mind. Frankly some of the modern stuff is just annoying, some of the older stuff is beautiful. However, no matter the musical genre, I just don't like loud music in the morning, when I'm busy or when I'm trying to get the kids out of the house. I don't like shouting, "Do you have your shoes on?" in silence or over Mahler, so why not keep it to silence.

This weekend was classical, classical, classical. And for the first time in ages, it made me think, inspired me and overall offered just lovely opportunities. Saturday morning we had tickets (yes, I bought the season months ago, and even unemployed am likely to sign up again next season) for the Little Orchestra Society. I don't mind plugging for them. This is an amazing orchestra that does a series of Lollie Pop concerts (designed for 3-5 year olds, but frankly I think 3-8 year olds and unpretentious music lovers like myself), the Little Persons series (designed for 6-10 year olds, but in our household these are really for the 8 and up as well as my lovely husband) that has existed for like a hundred years. This weekend we were going to a tribute to Abe Lincoln with the Little People's series (Lincoln Center).

O.k., I admit, as does DH, a tribute to Abe Lincoln seemed as lame as you could get by title, and we had no idea what to expect. But going to Lincoln Center with the kids is always a treat. They love being able to go up by the stage, see the lights etc. And the performance is at 11 am and everyone is not expected to be quiet. The performances are 60 minutes on the dot, but tend to be more sophisticated than the Lollie Pop series which has dancing characters involved.

The four year old was with it. Watching and listening. Our little man was along but focused mostly on the stickers, crayons (which roll way down the isle into oblivion) and paper we had with us. There was the orchestra (35 pieces) and conductor, who talks to the kids. But unbelievable they did an orchestration by Copland (one of the few composers who I know by name, modern, did things that sound like western movie sound tracks, and I like him) of several of Lincoln's most famous speeches. While I think it was totally lost on the kids, they had James Earl Jones (yeah, the movie star!) read the Gettysburg Address with the orchestra in the background. AMAZING! DS1 just like that Mr. Jones was on a pedestal why higher than the rest.

They also had this classical violinist, whom my husband says is the biggest thing on the scene, Mark O'Conner, play "fiddling" style music to which DS2 stood up and danced. Again, wow. This is why I love NYC. I'm sure there is music everywhere, but I really got to hear great stuff once I was here.

What annoys me about the music scene in NYC is that people really know everything and I'm a moron. Now, I play a couple instruments, but nothing at a manner that should ever go public. I still play for the boys on occasion. They like it.

Well, we have season tickets for Carnegie (again, bought before I lost my job, but these I'm likely to not renew this year) for the international symphony series, about 6 concerts a season. I have my favorites, Berlin is amazing, Vienna always teaches me something about music, the Bavarian Radio Symphony I think is the greatest orchestra ever. We share a box with six other people, all old, old people. So old that each season I'm curious to see if all the people make it back. There are four old and oddly short folks in our box that have written DH and I off as youngsters, as we are not fully gray. We've been sharing a box with them for six years yet they don't really recognize us. These are the kind of men who call their wives, "their bride". Maybe I'll start calling DH the groom. The other two is a great old "preacher/father" and he always has a friend of family member with him. He's a sweet heart and always asks about the kids. He always discusses the composer and presentation with my husband.

So Saturday, pre-concert we are crossing the street of Seventh Avenue and 57th street, following a group of old people to Carnegie. One of them drops her scarf, and a man bends down to pick it up, and slowly tips over. Like all the way to the ground. While being stunned watching this unfold, DH and I helped him back to his feet before the traffic came up. This is really what I mean by I wonder each concert if our box mates will be there or not.

Well, often DH closes his eyes through the concert. Sometimes I think he nods off, but he denies this. Typically after the first 30-60 minutes I typically get a bit bored. However, Saturday was a bit different, Schubert's Ninth. It was great. It is like he wrote it for the horns and winds then added the strings to accompany. It was also Vienna, which is a great, great orchestra. I was so inspired by the weekend's music I just wanted to write about it.

However, don't think me a snob. I got us season tickets to the Opera, at the Met a few years ago. I thought it would be fun, romantic and educational for me. DH again being an orchestral musician knows all the music and has played in the pit many times. However, I really hated it. I liked two out of like eight performances. I will not be routing for an evening to the opera again, clearly I'm not sophisticated enough.

Super Nanny to the rescue - taking it local

My lovely husband (DH), who normally sits in the room while I watch Super Nanny, but is likely to be found not really paying attention, but in reality he does watch it a bit. The reality is I think he likes the show and is afraid to admit it. I find in my reality show viewing (which consist of Super Nanny, Hells Kitchen and Kitchen Nightmares, with the occasional sprinkling of the original reality show - Antiques Road Show) DH has an interest in how defenses the participants become.

He loves Kitchen Nightmares as none of the chefs want to admit their food is bad or they have lost their passion. He talks about how interesting it is that although the parents went out of their way to invite Super Nanny for a visit, they are reluctant to try the new techniques, which aren't new at all if you routinely watch the show. So when he called me last week and walked me through how to set the timer to record Super Nanny on Friday night, I knew something was up!

Yes, last Friday Super Nanny visited a family on the Upper West Side of Manhattan (although the exterior shots were the east side to protect privacy). A family with two boys; a five year old and a two year old. Sounds familiar. Here's the kicker, we actually know them! Not well, but in a met you a couple times kind of way. Their older son took swim lessons (just the two of them in the class) with our older son. They always seemed nice, but the kid did not like to swim.

We watched the show. It was the most boring Super Nanny yet! First they are awesome parents who just lack a backbone for handing out discipline. They were totally honest and upfront about needing help, with no ego attached at all. The tools offered were the basics; time outs, separation technique, going to bed/staying in bed techniques. The only new things was JoJo taking them to task on having too much clutter in their house. Guess what, the parents just stepped up and cleaned house.

Of course, Sunday morning we go into family swim and the family is there. DH had to tell them that we watched the show. They kind of ran away. Of course us in our swim caps with two excited children is a situation worthy of running from. But I was sad I didn't get to tell them Kudos for asking for help. (1) it is not easy to ask for help, (2) you can't control the responses you receive once you have asked, and (3) parenting suck, but we will survive it.

I LOVED the show. It just goes to show that we can all use a bit of help. And like a review I read afterward, "we all know Super Nanny isn't about fixing the kids, its about fixing the parents." Who doesn't need a bit of help getting all the tools of parenting!!

Coping, Growing Up

Not sure if I'm thinking about me or DS1. I was going to write about what a great boy he was recently when we went to the dentist and I was impressed by his willingness to go through a not so pleasant experience because, I said we need to do "this". He stayed focused on the TV they had in the room, which was playing cartoons with which he was unfamiliar. His devotion to the TV was clearly his way of coping with the moment. There were strange noises, sounds and the weird sensation of things going on in his mouth.

Lately, I'm worried about the future, in a totally vague way. The consulting business is in reality going great, I have clients signing up, I have proposals out, I have continued opportunities to meet with companies. It is happening. But I have a coping mechanism of trying to make sure that I'm organized, meeting companies and getting work. Not a bad coping mechanism, in reality. I love the consulting projects that have come my way so far. Definitely brain food. It is using what I know, but making me stretch and giving me the opportunity to learn new things.

The toy business is slowly creeping along, but I will have product in a few short weeks (like 6-8). But I don't know what I'm doing. I know finance, I know I'm not spending a ton of money. But marketing, retailing, creating a "presence" for the product (on the cheap) is all new. Something fun and new is exciting, but it is frustratingly on the back burner as I move the consulting business forward.

The boys are awesome. I learn from them, from interacting with them, more about myself daily. It is unbelievable that I still have so much to learn about myself. How did I make it this far knowing so little? The job change is giving me much more time with the boys, which is likely spurring my coping mechanism of trying to secure work, spurring my personal development, giving me back day dreams of creating a future which I lost some time ago. Again, not a bad thing. But it is weird not really having time "off". I'm always on looking for work, thinking about who to call, ways to pitch, the future. It is new, it is unfamiliar. It is terrifyingly-exciting.

Role of an Observer

The intro to the series: The last couple days I've been thinking about how all my boys each on their own terms and timing hold me, my life, my actions, my choices up to microscopic inspection, hand me a mirror on my own actions or hold me captive as an observer without the ability to control an event. These are all scary, real thoughts/moments, but not necessarily good or bad, just life with kids.

Observer without control: Definitely the role that is hardest for me to take in my relationship with the boys is that of observer. I am good at observing. I want to watch, listen, take time to see what is happening with them. But once I've started to see a pattern that I don't like, be it as simple as wiping their nose on their sleeves, or as complex as melting down every time his brother leaves for school, I want to interrupt and ask for behavior that I find more appropriate. That doesn't sound too bad on the surface, but what if they are not ready, or just not interested in what I deem to be appropriate behavior? Then I have set up for a battle of the wills. These I do not loose. But maybe I should more often (back to the microscope and mirror).

The other time when being observer is really, really hard, is when one of the boys is working out a social situation with other kids. I want everyone to love them as much as I do. But sometimes the big kids just don't want a baby tagging along. Sometimes my boys are just not catching on to the game that is at play. Sometimes the boys are afraid to try something, a food, a game, a sing-a-long, an instrument, and it breaks my heart as I want them to be able to experience everything.

Now the flip to this equation, is what if I could make them into puppets and they did everything I wanted. At first, yes appealing; no more picking up toys, sorting clothes, yelling to stop the hitting/throwing of stuff. But I think it would also take away too much of the fun in watching the boys discover things on their own. Learning from their perspective. Seeing things, all sort of things for the first time.

And this is the simple stuff. The big stuff is to come. What happens when they change schools, classes, teachers and its not the perfect fit? What happens when they don't date the girl of their dreams? Or get accepted into their college of choice?

So being the observer to their precious lives is the part of parenting that rips my heart out. I don't want to observe and let them find their way. I want to control the events, I want no hardship to come their way. And even with the slightest of slights, my heart hurts. It may be my refrain, but parenting sucks. I'm in it deep, I do it, but wow it is tough at almost every turn.

the mirror

The Series: The last couple days I've been thinking about how all my boys each on their own terms and timing hold me, my life, my actions, my choices up to microscopic inspection, hand me a mirror on my own actions, or hold me captive as an observer without the ability to control an event. These are all scary, real thoughts/moments, but not necessarily good or bad, just life with kids.

The mirror: I think seeing my actions reflect in my children's faces is far scarier than standing in front of a full length mirror naked. And I'm no beauty. They, the kids, do what we do. They may also do what their friends do, but they do that in front of us and then look for a reaction. Back to the mirror concept, this is a unique relationship I think we have as parents. I don't expect DH to start behaving like me. I don't expect my best friends to start picking up my idiosyncrasies. But the kids do. And when they do, I find it startling.

It is fascinating to me to see his face when he observes the discipline of saying "that's enough". DS2 is the button pusher in big ways; he kicks when I'm trying to put on a diaper, he bites me after I say not to, then when he gets pissed and he starts blowing snot out his nose until it is running down his face. So I've instituted a rule in the house. If DS2 starts blowing his nose in anger, no one is to wipe it. Again, the kid is amazing, and when he calms down he gets a tissue and wipes his own nose. But there are times when he wants to really push it, show me he is defiant (which may be a mirror) and hang out for sometime without wiping his nose. This is hardest on DS1 and the sitter. They both desperately want to help him. When I say no, I see a mirror being held up saying, "you are mean". I don't want to be mean. But I am the grown up and I am charged with helping them grow up. I don't just get to set the rules, I have an obligation to set the rules. Parenting sucks.

But it works, the rule setting. As I watched DS1 explain to DS2 why he was being given a time out the other day. This was an interesting mirror to be handed. But DS1 was saying, "we love you, but throwing the cars is not allowed". I'd like to believe this means he is getting the value of saying no, better behaviour, but who knows?

DS2 offers plenty of mirror moments even in his non-verbal state. He likes to match me on actions and vocal tone. If I treat something as if it is precious, he'll play that game and do the same. If I lose my temper and snatch something out of his hand, i.e., his dull dinner knife, after I've told him 10 times to eat with the fork not the knife, he gets pissed and tries to snatch it back. If I whisper to him, he tends to stare. If I talk to him, he talks back. If I yell, he yells. So yes, it is DS2 that is teaching me to not yell at the kids because he yells back and I get tired of all the yelling between us.

Both of them make me examine my actions/words more than any relationship I've ever been in. Poor DH may be disheartened to read that, but he doesn't read the blog. I know that what I do and how I say things affects the boys in profound ways and they are here, in my life, entwined in my life for many, many years to come. I don't want to have a bad relationship. The mirror from the kids is definitely teaching me ways to improve me.

6 months

Today is our six month anniversary, DS2 and I. Really DS2 and the family, but I'm celebrating DS2 and I. Damn right its personal.

I love him, he loves me. It feels like he has always been here. I'm tempted to say it feels like he came yesterday, but that is not true, when he came it was hell. Life turned upside down. Breathing became hard but necessary. My heart was ripped from my body and has yet to be returned. I cry too much.

Six months ago a tiny child walked in the hotel door holding hands with a nanny, with the sun streaming behind him, and he looking shut down. I clung to one child (DS1) as I watched the elevator doors close stopping my view of the other (DS2) as he went to the meeting room. An arranged marriage was about to happen. I held myself open to possibility and he walked into the next chapter of his life without choice.

Six months ago I was shocked by his weight, his birthmark, his humongous head, his blisters and tears. Today I love his birthmark, his humongous head, his gorgeous fingers and toes, his ability to blow snot when he is mad, his open mouth kisses which include sucking on my chin, and his giggle.

I have learned that I'm not a bad person, but I'm not the person I want to be. I want to be more patient, more loving, more educated, more silly. Beyond me, I also want it all, talking, silly, play, love, peace, for him.

In the last six months DS1 has taught me to be a better family member and how to love DS2. I have learned that being a good family member is just getting on with it. Where you come from, what your age, differences, it all just really doesn't matter, just get on with it. DS1 has taught me to love because you can, you should, and it is received. DS1 taught me that there are ways to laugh at all of us during every period, even when the family is expanding and my heart and head are exploding. I love DS1 more because he taught me so much as DS2 came into our lives. I love DS2 because DS1 has shown me the way.

DS2 is teaching me that stubbornness can be a virtue. DS2 is teaching me to be more creative. DS2 is teaching me by example how to attempt to learn, absorb and try anything, no matter the smell, difficulty or challenge. DS2 is teaching me that I don't want to be color blind, I want to be color aware and celebrate what we share, what we offer one another.

I am a stronger, better person for living the last six months of my life. I think DH, DS1 and DS2 are as well. I look back and can't believe how difficult it all was. Not just the last six months, but also the two year process required to reach the last six months. This has definitely been the most difficult six months of my life. I have cried till the tears were gone. I have been angry at things I can't control. I have questioned my beliefs about the world and why I am here. I have lost hope and found it again. I have loved where nothing was returned. I have been blessed with an unexpected love that I thought would never arrive. I have gained a greater understanding of who I am as a person, woman, mother and wife - and it is not where I want to be, but not bad and I know I can grow. I have learned to relish a full night's sleep.

Have I learn something, am I happy with the outcome, can an arranged marriage work, did this experience strengthen the family, was it really that bad, would I do it again?

Yes.

Being Hopeful isn't a crime

I don't know if it is me, or the people in my immediate world, but hope isn't a crime. Today I listened to President Obama's speech twice. On purpose. I got something out of it each time, something different each time. The first time with DS1 watching it live. The second time with both boys and friends after wine.

It strikes me that President Obama is trying to include everyone, and trying to change our thoughts about our individual ability to effect the future. The future is not caste in stone, we are to rise up and own it, no matter where we are starting from. We should strive to take care of one another as well as our planet. I'm not blind, I am not deaf, I see and hear these things in his speeches. It also strikes me that there are people that only want to be part of a fringe movement and have trouble with his trying to include everyone. Wow. Who knew needing to be part of the fringe would become so important that progress for the whole would not be a worthy cause?

Why this on a parenting/adoption blog you may ask. Fair question. Because tonight a couple people who just met me, just met the boys tried to tell me that it was I that was influencing them into the "good" boys that they were tonight. While my ego would love to say yes, and I do think that teaching them rules and boundaries is important for them to learn what behaviour is acceptable and how to monitor themselves, I totally don't want to under serve what each of them bring to the table which is so much greater than my coaching. My coaching is only to try and bring out their best, unfortunately as defined by my definition of good, which is colored by societal norms.

I look at President Obama, and I think the nay-sayers are doing the same thing. Totally underestimating what he is bringing to the table, which is a desire to engage all parties. Frankly, this might fail. I often tell myself that an argument is only worth having if the other participants are willing to listen. But, kudos for his trying. And yeah, I want to believe it will work.

The boys observe and absorb the world around us. I'm thrilled that today they gained a President that calls for us to take care of one another. It may only be an ideal. He may not succeed in historical retrospective 100 years from now. But today I am glad to have a man in office that at least can articulate a dream could be a fantastic reality, a dream that we can share in our household, a dream that I can teach and will teach on an individual level.

Where is the inspiration, typically I'd say in my kids. Tonight I will say it is also in those million plus people that thought waiting in 30 degree weather to hear a new president speak about having a dream to collaborate and a president that has the courage to collaborate with everyone if they show a willingness, their collective hope also inspires me.

Super Nanny to the rescue

Among the things that DH and I disagree about, it is what is an enjoyable TV show. I happen to like Supper Nanny, he thinks it is pathetic. There is some delicious aspect of knowing I have a few parenting skills a bit more in shape than a another person on the planet, there is some delicious aspect of seeing someone else making all your same mistakes, but most of all there is joy is seeing a possible solution to a problem.

DS1 is a really good kid, but having a new brother has brought a bit of stress to us all. I think he needs more attention for the good and bad behavior. Also, now with two I'm less tolerant of daily irritants. One of Supper Nanny's tools is that she makes charts of what kids should be doing and then sticks with it and tracks them. It always works on the show. DH thinks it is the most stupid idea ever.

First I just made a list of things; being nice = no hitting, no kicking, etc. At the end of the day I would draw a star if DS1 achieved the goal. It worked, he liked the stars. But I didn't follow though with it every night. We both got bored. But then after a week of whining and not sharing that well, and another episode of Supper Nanny, I decided to plunge in whole hog and see if DS1 would get so excited about it that he would help me with it.

First we sat in my office and talked about things that he should do daily. Then we searched on the internet for pictures of people doing those things. We printed little pictures and taped them on a page in his new "Big Boy Book" which for some reason he now calls his "calendar". I've started with 7 items daily:

• brush teeth,
• pick up toys in bedroom before bed,
• wait nicely,
• follow instructions,
• use tissue not sleeve,
• no shouting,
• let mommie work in her office.

No more list of words, because he can't read. But he does get the pictures. He gets to put stickers on at the end of the day. We have special Sponge Bob and Monster stickers in a bag with the book, and bags of candy, for our evening gathering. If he gets 5 stickers, he and DS2 get one sour patch candy. If he gets all 7 stickers, he and DS2 get two candies each. Yeah I know there is a conflict with the candy before bed, but hey he is now happily brushing his teeth and telling daddy that he must help him clean up his room before mommie gets in there. And there is power in a threat! I'll be talking to the sitter, and DS1 interrupts, I hold up my hand and remind him that this is how he earns his "waiting nicely sticker" by waiting till we are done talking.

After 20 stickers, he (and his brother) gets to unwrap a present from a bag I drag out each night to show them what they are working for. These include silly noise makers and matchbox cars, etc, that I pick up for $1 or so each and gift wrapped. After 40 stickers, his choice was a surprise from the bag or lunch with mommie (solo, no DS2); he chose the surprise from the bag. After 60 stickers, the choice was a prize from the bag or a date with mommie and DH, he chose the surprise from the bag! While my ego is hurt, he is now helping me with the chores more and learning behavior that make me happy.

Last night when I called home, he reminded me that DH now is doing the calendar with him and he's getting all his stickers. I'm a little worried that DH may not be towing the line on making him earn the stickers, particularly 'letting mommie work'. But he also reminded me that when I get home, I promised we would build a new page with more items. He is suggesting I add 'not hitting/kicking', 'sharing', and 'eating breakfast'. Tell me this kid doesn't know right from wrong!

DH is now a believer. Frankly, both of us are shocked at how totally into this DS1 is, for really limited rewards. I'm shocked at how quickly he moderates his behaviour when I threaten the potential loss of one of the evening stickers, and he does occasionally lose one, or two, or three. The two stickers he loses the most are 'following instructions' and 'shouting', both usually loss to uncontrolled enthusiasm for whatever. With the next new page, I'm going to up the anti. I think it will be 40 stickers to get a prize. But now that he's bought into the system, the change will likely work. Also, DS2 sits with us and puts some of the stickers on and gets prizes as well. While we are only measuring DS1's behavior, I think DS2 is understanding the stickers are earned and helping in his way. Of course he only gets the prize that DS1 earns, no more.

So this entry goes down as just prattling on about a parenting technique that I gained from Supper Nanny, that takes a lot of parental effort, but works. Not like we don't already have enough to do!

Small Departure from our household

We had a mouse. I kind of liked her presence. This week we caught and removed her. But she stays on my mind. I miss her. Yeah, I'm likely hormonal.

There is no reason to feel sad about the mouse. I decided the mouse was a "she" as she was (1) friendly, would run by when we were all hanging in the livingroom, (2) smart, every trap my husband put down she would run right passed, (3) wasn't living with us, I suspect we were just a transit apartment in her moves from one destination to another and (3) she was a really small mouse (I've lived in NYC a long time now, I've seen my share of rats and mice).

She first started appearing when the weather turned really cold in late October. DH and DS1 saw her first. It was the first time I ever heard DH shout "Oh My God", like a girl. When I asked what happen DH explained he saw a mouse. DS1 missed it, but caught how exciting this was and watched the radiator until he caught sight of her on her return run through later that evening. She'd run from the kitchen (under the stove) through the kitchen, across the livingroom to the radiator. Then a few hours later she'd run back. I figure both sites have room for a mouse to transit.

A few days later I saw her and frankly sized her up as a benign presence. She had things to do, places to be, she really didn't seem interested in us. I never found any evidence of damage like she was trying to eat things or nesting. I never found any mouse poop. Then there were no sightings for a month or so.

One night DH commented she was back and started putting out glue traps where the boys couldn't reach them. The next evening as we were relaxing we saw her approach and then run around the glue traps. The next day she made an appearance during DS2's speech therapy; thankfully I was the only one that noticed. But, that was the turning point. I didn't want others knowing I was harboring a mouse. I also figured at some point, at some level, this is very unhygienic for the boys.

Next, DH put out more glue traps, super sticky kind supplied by our Super, in her path, where the boys could reach them. Of course he told the boys not to touch them. No surprise, the boys did find out personally that the traps were super sticky. This lead to allowing the Super to bring up the exterminator.

The exterminator was a totally cool guy. He only wanted to put traps where the boys couldn't reach them, but that wasn't along her path. I was confident that the boys were sufficiently educated such that they wouldn't touch the new traps and convinced the exterminator. He put out new super-duper sticky traps that smelled of bananas. He looked behind my refrigerator and stove and confirmed she wasn't living with us as well as recovered a few lost spoons.

That evening I went out with a girl friend to see a movie, and when I returned, DH had the trap in the center of the room with our little lady stuck to it. Why he saved it to show me, is a mystery that can only be explained by a caveman gene. I sat there for a long time sad and apologizing. DH finally picked it up and sent her down the garbage compactor.

DS1 was aware of the traps and that they are now gone. He would get excited every time we caught a little bug or spider, have I mentioned before but for some reason we have a slight problem with ladybugs in our house, another harmless presence I've done nothing about, but in the spring they tend to attack one of our windows that face the park, but even today I found one on the plant in my office. I don't have the heart to tell him that we caught her. I can't answer any questions about where she went. I wanted to take her across the street to the park, but DH was convinced if I tried to pry her off she'd lose limbs.

I know, pathetic, this is what I have become.

Elections - late but thoughts won't go away.

OK, for ages I've thought about writing about the elections. First, I was going to write to tell everyone to vote. But, I didn't want to say who to vote for, I just think its good to participate. But, I didn't know how to write my thoughts without offending anyone.

Then I wanted to say, "YEAH!" I'm so relieved. But again I didn't want to offend anyone.

I mentioned it do DH and his usual response to my comments about the blog arose. First, "you still writing that?" Then, "well, what does that have to do with adoption?" and finally, "Why do you care if you offend anyone?". Got to love this man.

Well, I thought about it and I can't let it go. Here's the background. I am Puerto Rican. My beautiful blond-haired blue-eyed olive-skinned son knows how to say all his animals in Spanish. My beautiful jet black-haired, black-eyed, dark-skinned son, will always stand out as not the all-American look. My once-blond, now graying- haired, blue-eyed WASPy husband is becoming a minority! That makes my heart sing. I am also a semi-senior woman on Wall Street - that may qualify me as a greater minority than any thing else!

I tell my husband during a variety of "social issue" fights, he likes to call them discussions, that he'll never know what it is like to walk down the street as a woman. I understand the odd feeling of walking around a foreign country and standing out as different. I also know what it is like in Italy and Spain where I can blend, although I don't belong. And I never forget who I am; I seldom think I fit in. Hey in Idaho, where I grew up, there were no other Puerto Ricans. Now that I'm surrounded by them in New York, I am not one of them, as I lack the language and the urban experience. These are not regrets, not at all, just the facts.

One of my sons is going to walk around and realize few look like him. Frankly, I think both of them will notice this fact. Do we really want to live in a society where the majority of people believe that only white men can achieve the highest office (be it the White House or the corner office)? Do I want to live in a society where we say anyone can achieve anything, but it hasn't occurred yet? I think the empowerment of people, whatever their color, is a good thing for society as a whole. Obama offers that! Even the Latinos around me now say, hey, if a Black man can do it, then watch out as the Latinos move in.

I am not a proud American. I seldom claim to be an American. I've traveled around the world, I know what a fabulous place the US is - do you realize that less than 10% of Americans actually have a passport! I know how horrible the situation is elsewhere and I chose to stay in the US (at least for now. But, I have not been proud to claim participation in this country. I've been horrified by our international policies, and even more horrified by our domestic policies. Do you realize it is still on the books that Asian are not allowed to own land in certain states/counties - left over from the depression/immigration scares, but still on the books. I'm also saddened that the Gay Marriage votes were so opposed. Marriage is a huge commitment that is really hard and sucks in many ways, (yes, I'm happily married), yest we are willing to let immature teenagers do it but not adults in a committed relationship?

But, right now I couldn't be happier. Maybe for a while I'll be proud of my fellow Americans. Not for "overcoming prejudice" but for realizing we are in a mess, we need change and we need it now. If having a Black man in office makes people more aware of prejudice, not just the need for change, well, its a good thing!

So, Thank you for voting. I don't care who you voted for (my guy won, so no hard feelings), but you cared enough to participate, that is awesome, that is what America needs, so let's keep participating! Let's go for change. We have to offer our children something to work with, not a disaster to fix. So yeah, its about the kids! I created one citizen and sponsored a new citizen this year, and we owe them better.

At Preschool for a Day

Last week, I was the "cookie" lady at DS1's preschool. I got to tell you, it was an amazingly awesome experience.

Here's the gig, I like to bake. DS1 likes to bake. I thought his class might get into it. I emailed the teacher and volunteered to bring in pre-made cookies, but have the kids mix the frosting and then frost the cookies. I gave her a few dates and she took me up on it.

Here's the fears. DS2 is in a class of 12 kids, they call it a cluster. They are in a huge room they share with another cluster of 12 kids, so in all, I'd have 24 children with which to deal. Each cluster has two teachers. In NY State, to teach preschool you have to have a master's degree in early education. Basically, to me, the novice at this stuff (kids, not baking) the numbers are intimidating, but I figured the teachers would know what to do. Also I wasn't sure how DS1 would feel about having me in the room.

The reality; it was awesome! When I arrived, the kids were out of the room at "theater movement" class, or as they told me when they arrived "te-a-ta movement". I thought that was totally cool, something I would do now, but never had the exposure as a kid. I was given the table by the sink, and told I would have 5-6 kids at a time. When they came it, they immediately eyed me a bit suspiciously. I was surprised to learn I was the first visiting mommie so far this year.

The teacher, who I now think is a miracle worker, said, "This is DS1's mommie, she's here to decorate cookies with you". These simple words totally defused their anxiety. The kids were instructed to go wash their hands before coming over to me. DS2 was in the first group and quickly organized his buddies into the first group. They all wore aprons I brought along, which was hilarious. These were a handful of my adult-sized aprons that I just tied up around their arm pits, and two of DS2's small ones.

They helped mix the food color into the frosting. I did one big bowl of orange, which they took turns with (dropping in color and mixing, there was so much color, that I had never seen orange so bright1), and zip lock baggies of yellow, green and pink, which they mixed by just squeezing the bags. The cookies (eggless, substituted buttermilk for regular milk) were pumpkin shaped. I had little spatula's with me, so they spread their own orange frosting, then added any decorations they liked. I had little m&ms, candy corns and sugar sprinkles. The kids were amazing! They concentrated, were totally into it, and even asked permission to eat the candy at the table.

After the first group got started, all the kids wanted in on the action. To be swarmed by 24 kids, even though they are all only about 3 ft tall, was intimidating! But we were organized and to keep things moving, the teacher designated a separate table as the "eating table", which the kids moved to once their cookie was done.

DS1 moved to eat, but then came back. He wanted to stay with me. I wasn't sure what to do, but the teacher came over and said loudly, "We all need to remember to say thank you to DS1 for sharing his mommie, as that is a special treat for all of us. He's her special helper today." Then I gave him a towel and he cleaned up each seat as the kids moved to the eating table. DS1 was happy I was there, but also a bit proud. I think he thought it was cool we could do this thing that he and I do together fairly often with all his friends. As the kids came to join us, he introduced each one; all 23 kids! Even I don't have that grace under pressure and I've known my friends much longer!

Again, I was so impressed by these kids. They were nice, polite, overall amazingly well behaved. And, they were into it. They wanted to eat their cookies, but they weren't stuffing their faces with the candy; they really wanted to decorate first. Also they were taking their time, showing effort and trying out all the tools I had brought along. They were chatting with me, and helping one another. It was very cool. An hour flew by in 2 minutes!

I had planned on having them do three cookies each, but after decorating one, they were ready to eat, so plans changed. I put two undecorated cookies in a bag for each kid to take home. They helped me with their names and put the cookies on the hooks with their coats.

At the very end, the teacher asked me to read a story book. That was awesome. The book was a silly Halloween story, which rhymed just a bit. The kids caught on quickly and helped me with the rhyme. They were attentive and stayed with the story. Then, it was time to go.

I left the school on cloud nine. My son was proud of me - and I know there is likely to be few of these precious moments. I am glad I'm not a preschool teacher, but I think those who are should be applauded! So, now I'm wondering if we should do gingerbread people, or if I should wait for Valentine hear cookies to volunteer again.

Halloween

A few Halloween photos for you. DS1 was a bat, DS2 was a Young Republican, I just wore a witches hat. Yep, we ended up with a "conceptual" costume for DS2 after a major tantrum over the Spiderman costume that didn't happen - well, we got the costume on, tears, then wanted it off, so got it off, then tears, wanted it back on. After a struggle, I just put DS2 in his camo pants, a t-shirt that says "Young American" and his little bomber jacket and called it good.

Have you wondered what we do in NYC - yes, we trick or treat! But first we parade! The village (downtown) is known for the biggest Halloween parade in the country. If you are an adult, it is awesome; maybe even for teens. But I'm not willing to take the kids that far from home on a crazy night in the city. Also the costumes get very elaborate and I'm not ready to explain all the gore.

Up in our hood, they start with a kids' costume parade where we all follow the bagpipers (why? I have no idea) from soldiers monument, around Riverside Park, to end at Hippo Play ground. Then the kids run around like crazy and the neighborhood association sells Dunkin Donuts' donut and apple cider for a buck. The bag pipers stand on one side and play for about an hour or so, both boys liked checking out this action.

Then around 5 pm, we headed home. We had a few friends join us for pizza before taking the kids out trick or treating. Two firsts; (1) I read a cool idea on pizza, so we made the pizza and I sliced mozzarella thin and DS1 used a cookie cutter to make pumpkin shaped cheese for the pizza. Second, this was the first time I've made a picture of martinis. I was trying to make Cosmopolitans, but I didn't have cranberry juice so I substitute a juice box, yep, you read right, juice box. Everyone raved and was curious how I made them.

This year we hit all the lobbies on 79th street between Columbus and Amsterdam, then the street of brownstones on 78th. It was awesome. The boys don't totally get it. They like getting the candy, but don't understand why this craziness is going on. Also, they got a touch scared if the set up was to scary. Third, they don't have any idea how much candy it is possible to collect.

All the lobbies were decked out and the doormen giving candy. But if you want to trick or treat door to door, they give you a list of apartments to visit. With two toddlers and a small group of us all with little guys, we were happy to stay on ground level and just do the lobbies. However, I have a feeling in years to come we'll hit the full buildings. DS1 was a bit more into checking out all the decorations and getting the candy. DS2 was cute in that he would take the candy from the first place, turn it in for something different at the next place. Eventually he was happy to just sit in the stroller with a lollie.

It was cool to go out. It was a gorgeous evening, with only jackets but no coats. It was neat to see the boys have fun, and DS1 help DS2 navigate the evening. It is great they can get excited about 10 pieces of candy and not need 1,000 more pieces. And given the environment down at my day job, it was great to get out and see the city being so silly.

Gym Time

In my youth, 18-25 years of age, I used to work out regularly. I rode my bike, ran, went to aerobic classes, lifted weights, generally, I had an active life style. On the weekends I also waited tables - just try telling me that isn't a work out! Somehow along with a real job, more mature friends, a move to NYC, marriage and children, I became a desk jockey (or read added about 20 pounds to my average weight).

With the two months off with the boys, running around all day, with twenty pounds of DS2 strapped to my chest, I felt like I was in the best shape I'd seen in many years. Now this doesn't mean in-shape, or anywhere near my ideal weight, but better than the bag of potatoes I was three months ago. The first day I came back to work, I went to the gym next door and joined. No questions asked, just signed up with my gym shoes in hand.

Aerobics have evolved. I don't think its just that I'm pathetically out of shape, it is actually harder now! The music totally sucks, and is played so loud that they must think I can't move unless I'm motivated to run from the sound of a jackhammer pounding through the speakers. But I enjoy moving about, often missing the "correct" step, but I'm generally smiling, and I notice the rest of the class is not. But, I like working out in a group, so I'll stick with it. I've even taken the kick boxing class, which was a lot of fun!

The clothing has changed - the thong is gone! I can work out in tights, shorts, T-shirt, jog bra, sweats, or whatever. There no longer seems to be a standard required uniform other than expensive trainers or running shoes. no leg warmers. Even a couple of the teachers have shown up in street clothes, well hip street clothes, to teach.

Maybe it is just my gym, but locker room etiquette has changed. Women cover up and slide their underthings on and off while wrapped with a towel and fully cover themselves on their way to and from the shower. Two things perplex me on this front. First 99.9% of the women at my gym are in fantastic shape and really should have no fears of not covering up. Second, the towels at my gym are too small to cover me up, so should I use two? I'm not huge, I'm just tall. So if the towel is around my chest, then my buns are showing. If around the waist, well you know. Also, I'm a mom. My body is not what it used to be. I'm no longer proud. I also don't really care who sees it (which still shocks DH when I take the garbage out to the hall in my undies and t-shirt, we live beside two older women and a gay man, none of them will care). I wish when I was 18 someone would have said, hey quit all that worrying about how you look, because this is as good as it gets, you just gain and get saggy from here!

I am also meeting with a personal trainer once a week. She is cool, but about 25 years old. Last session she told me she respected the moms that come in because moms can do anything. Then she gave me 20 more squats with a 15lb bar. Actually she is motivating, and she tells me some day I will be able to suck in my stomach to see a difference again. I'm hopeful, not convinced. But I do think I'll have better stamina if not stomach muscles.

I'm excited about getting in shape. I realize I'm not shooting for my ideal shape, but just great mommie shape. This means, being able to run around with the kids without getting totally winded. DH likes to take the bikes out on the weekend (we put the kids in a little trailer), and I like being able to keep up. I think the boys are great motivation for this. I think everyday they add greater perspective to my life. Everyday. And hey, I'm not losing time with them, just don't tell my employer that I'm now sneaking out for lunch three days a week! And yes, no photo for this post, maybe once I've been working out six months.