Language Acquisition

I know it is a strange place, but I love living in NYC. There are days when I find the crowds in mid-town intimidating. There are times I go to a great restaurant and recognize everyone is in suits, or, its not a "neighborhood" joint, and you can only afford to eat there on the "company account". then there are days when I hit our local favorite like, Quest, where 70% of the crowd is from a 10 block radius.. There are days when I walk and extra mile, or 20 blocks, because I don't feel like battling the rush hour subway crowd with the stroller. But I LOVE Riverside park beside our house. I love the opportunities for our kids, emotionally, musically, generally overall.

But there are days when I wonder, how is living here going to affect the kids? I grew up in Boise, Idaho. Not exactly a "city" when I was growing up. I know how to "tip" a cow. I have both milked and branded a goat. And yes, I know how to shoot a rifle and a pistol - I'm a good shot - although I've never and intend to never own a gun. Let me divert for the $40 stuffed animal my husband bought me. Our second date, our first good date, we went to the San Gennaro festival, an annual Little Italy celebration where they close the streets and have carnival games, restaurant tables on the sidewalk, and raise money for the local churches. There was a shooting game, I played once and won a small stuffed bear. My date, the now lovely husband, wanted to show his manly skills and put down $5 to win me a larger bear. $40 later we continued walking!

Anyway, I grew up in a town where everything I attempted post high school was a new thought/experience. I didn't try Opera or pate until I was almost 30. I heard Spanish being spoken between my mother and grandmother (not typical Idaho), but I did not become fluent in the language. This is my biggest regret.But in my. and my parental defense, at school there was one uniform language. I did not hear any other languages out and about on the street.

I bring this up as both my boys, yes both of them, now have solid receptive language skills in Spanish. My big boy, DS1 has a fair vocabulary, but doesn't like to use it. I didn't realize how strong their receptive language skills were until I overheard them having dinner with a couple friends from down the street and the accompanying nanny. The friends are 4 and 2 years old and their mother is Asian. Both children look Asian, but I'm inclined to think Korean or Japanese. They know my little man is Chinese, but haven't volunteered any family history, which makes me think they are not Chinese. When their daytime sitter, or nanny, is over, she talks to the kids in Spanish. I had mistakenly assumed this was "baby" Spanish, that she was teaching them key words. However, whenever they are over, I talk to the sitter in my terrible Spanish. She is great, correcting my mistakes.

Last week my sitter mentioned there was a play date confusion because their sitter had not understood that my guys were out of school for Spring break. She went on to say that while she really enjoyed the other sitter, and the kids, the language was a difficulty. Apparently her English really is limited, and she ONLY talks to the kids in Spanish. While I totally don't mind, it makes me wonder, how confusing is all of this for my little Chinese man? At this point, 9 months here in this new life, he obviously knows there is two languages going on. He doesn't hear me speak Spanish too often. However, tonight I sang wheels on the bus in Spanish, he was right there with me!

I've also noticed that he has picked up a bunch of phrases from our toys with sound. He says "back up" like this gangster car we have. He says, "can we dig it" like the Scoop digger we have from Bob the Builder. He can make the sound of all the fire truck toys. Most amazingly we have a book where you press buttons to hear "hello" in 10 different languages, and yes, he can approximate the sound of "hello" in 10 different languages.

So I wonder, if he was growing up in Idaho, and only hear one language, would he be speaking already? Does the influence of multiple languages help or hurt in the long run? And these are the languages in our house, in our friends, our world. When he's at the bookstore, he hears German, French, and Hebrew regularly. With a few of my friends he hears Hindu. Is this good? Is this bad? I don't know. And if it is bad, how in the world would I change it?

The good news is that although my little Chinese man has rejected the speech therapist for the last week, but still loves the play therapist, I think in the last two weeks his language skills have accelerated. He is trying harder. He has had success of people understanding a few words, and here clearly wants more of this being understood. This is the motivation he needed to find.
English at home, Spanish with friends, everything in between on the street. Our sitter with a heart of gold and friends that speak Spanish.

Footnote: please don't read this thinking he is speaking tons in all languages, we are really still at one word sentences that I understand 80% of the time, but that a stranger would understand 10-15% of the time. But hey, this is progress and I will take joy in it!

The microscope

The last couple days I've been thinking about how all my boys each on their own terms and timing hold me, my life, my actions, my choices up to microscopic inspection, hand me a mirror on my own actions or hold me captive as an observer without the ability to control an event. These are all scary, real thoughts/moments, but not necessarily good or bad, just life with kids.

As a microscope, I see the boys pointing out to me that it is the tiny things that matter not the big stuff. For example, the doctor is twenty minutes behind. The boys don't care, they need to have fun now. The big picture doesn't matter; the boys don't care that we are late, that they'll be hungry/tired by the time the doctor gets to us, nope, they just want me to focus on this tiny moment, be with them and command the ability to ignore the big picture. Yeah, it is ok to tear more paper off the roll for the examining table and to have paper ball fights. Yes, I can fold a boat. Yes, we can make a tent. Yes, we can have fun anywhere. Yes, I don't care if the doctor cares.

But there is also the microscope negatives, the melt down because I gave DS1 a pat on the head but not DS2, or DS2 got into the stroller before DS1. The raw frightening emotion that comes from the boys when a minor, but big in the microscope, indiscretion occurs. My recent favorite was the fight to see who could touch more of my body while they both sat on either side of me, but neither allowed on my lap, while we read a book.

Then there is the microscope on the road. At home, no toys on the dinner table. At a friends' house, their kids had toys at the table. My boys pointed it out that it was "breaking the rules" but then cried because they didn't have a toy at the table. Do I give in, do I not?

But the microscope is really in my head, my inspection of the every decision I make and try to understand;

• is it necessary - brushing teeth, yes; combing hair, no
• is it important - learning decent manners, yes; being able to read at 4, no
• is it appropriate - learning to share, at 4 yes, at 2 "forgetaboutit"
• is it safe - jumping on the couch, ok; jumping off chairs, no way
• is it a control issue - clothes, other than warmth, do I really care which shirt it is?
• is it time - DH wants DS1 to learn a musical instrument, I think its too early
• is it me - am I taking their hyper energy in getting bathed/dressed personally
  
• is it them - DS1 has to be dressed first, DS2 must not put on his hat till outside

Does any of this personal inspection of my life matter? That might be the big question, how much introspection and scrutiny of all these tiny decisions is helping us be a better family, create strong healthy boys, better contribution to the world? How much of this introspection is useless? I generally have a reason for most of my actions. I have a plan on how to raise the boys. I don't mind the microscope for the most part, I may do a better parenting job if I'm willing to examine my actions, but the outcome is a science experiment, not in my control.

Thing One and Thing Two Update - part 2

Continued from yesterday, on to Thing 2.

DS2 had his review with the early intervention people last week.  An hour with the speech therapist and an hour with the development therapist.  The reviews started at 12:30 and ended at 2:30 pm, which means early lunch, no nap, basically, not ideal for best performance.  This is the interesting juxtaposition, with Early Intervention, we are not looking for the best performance as we want assistance, and he must demonstrate a "need" for therapy for us getting the help.  Well, he was a good boy.  But I’m still hopeful of assistance coming.

On speech, frankly I don’t know what to say.  It is so FRUSTRATING!!  He understands everything we say.  He just is not talking yet.  He babbles and makes lots of noises, but doesn’t seem to really be trying to talk.  I think he has a few words, but they are instinctual mommie understanding of grunt sounds.  He does say; bye-bye (totally appropriately, but also uses it for “all done”), says a sound like DS1’s names, and “nana” for Banana.  I’ve come to believe that all the other words I believe he has, including, sausage, eggs, mama and dada.  Everyone (friends and family, that don't read all this discouraging information out on cleft lip/palette websites) is encouraging and says he’s going to break open at any time, but I’m frustrated and not sure.  I think he needs help.  This is why the early intervention assessment.  

Well, the speech assessor was with us.  She thinks he is well behind where he should be for a child his age with cleft lip/palette and/or a child who has switched languages, but a very bright kid.  Again, this is a good thing because this means they will give more therapy than less.

On development, I think DS2 is solid and doing a great job.  He is smart and surprises me a lot.  Sometimes I marvel at his ability to reign in his emotions even when he is out of control.  Even more I’m surprised at how smart he is.  The first time I showed him a shape sorting game, he figured it out without assistance.  He can do shape puzzles without a lot of trying to fit pieces, but actually putting the right pieces in the right place.  Finally, his ability to pick up language; not only is he fluent in English, he’s starting to show great understanding of Spanish with one of the nannies in his playgroup, really amazes me.

However, with the development assessment, I think DS2 was more tired.  He showed his tiredness, displayed his temper, and fought her a bit.  He did well, but the assessor thinks he’s not following directions as well as he should for his age.  I do believe he’s bright, brighter than what she saw, but I will admit he’s having a hard time controlling his temper.  But I think the temper flares most when he has trouble communicating; which is why I’m seeking speech help.  But ok, we’ll see what they recommend, and I won’t fight it, as it is all free therapy.  But this assessment stung just a bit.

Overall, DS2 is doing well.  I hoping we can get all the therapies started in January, and by the time he turns 3, which is when we lose the free state funded therapy, he’ll be starting preschool the next month. Eight months of therapy should show us what we can accomplish if we really work it.  However, I’ll be honest, he needs to mature a lot to do well in preschool.  I’m already rather nervous about whether he'll be ready. 

Change of Circumstance

Introduction  -  I've been writing this post since Wednesday, when I was laid-off from my firm.  I wasn't sure when I'd be ready to post, but it turns out to be today.  The original thoughts are below.  Sorry, I know this is not about the kids, which is the topic I usually restrict myself to addressing, but this is a big change.

11/12/08, 3 pm 

So at 11 am this morning I was laid off at work.  The firm I've been working for is moving out of health care, and let go of about 60 people.  Some folks cried, others got really mad, I went to the gym.

I don't know, but it really doesn't feel like the worst thing ever.  I lost a job once when I didn't want to, that really rocked me.  I don't like the thought of being unemployed. I worry about those that depend on me, the boys, my family.  However, I also don't like about 49% of my job and I've been thinking for a while that Wall Street is broken.  So, what's next?  A good book, more gym time, and some serious soul searching. 

I'm 40, a bit too young to retire. But, finally old enough to be considered experienced, as in over 12 years on the Street.  I like to think so I really need something to do.  I'm not going to do anything rash yet.  In fact, I'm not even sure I'm going to let friends and family know yet. I guess that means I'll keep writing but publish this next week.  

11/12/08 - 9:30 pm 

So it occurs to me that I have been wanting to leave the Street for a few years.  I've been concerned about how I replace the income.  This is tantamount, as I am the family income.  But tonight I started wondering, how much of the income do I really need to replace?  I don't want to go back to my childhood of being aware of parental money stress, revolving bills, and strategic coupon clipping. But it wasn't that bad.  But its also not like our net wealth went to zero.  Just the income went to zero.  How long could we last on what we have?  We have a vacation planned in two weeks, which is already paid for, should I cancel it?  

The severance pay is in question, the number quoted to me today was not the contracted amount.  I'm not sweating it yet, I'll wait for the paper work to arrive.  

A couple months after I returned to work after giving birth to DS1, I received a "big" promotion to research department head.  This turned out to be a roll I really didn't want. I learned a lot, enjoyed it for awhile.   But I recognized it didn't hold my future. To get out of it, I had to switch firms.  Now just two months after returning post adding DS2 to our lives, I get the boot.  Somehow I just believe this change is going to work out better.

11/13/08  10:48 pm

Today I started telling people.  Some casual acquaintances, my best friends, my family (not DH, he heard from me within 5 minutes of the news).  Lots of people are rather worried for me, for my family.  Some even cried when I told them.  I think some of the emotion is due to more the general pent-up of emotions that surrounds everyone involved with the Street.  Some are amazingly empathetic.  

Today I had two appointments that were made weeks ago.  The first was frivolous, I enjoyed it.  The other with a health care company that didn't know my change of circumstance.  They were really supportive, and so has been everyone else in the health care industry with whom I've chatted.  Doors are opening, but I really need to think about the opportunity I've been given to leave the Street.  To redefine how I live my daily life.  Tonight, I'm rather excited about my non-Wall Street opportunities.  

The more I think about the Street, the more I realize I really don't want to go back.  I could give you a dissertation, but mutual funds haven't sent out their year end statements yet.  When people see that their funds, even if the fund is out performing the market, most are still losing money, investors will want their money out of the funds, the redemptions will come in.  As the funds pull money from the market, the market will get hit; small cap more than large cap, but all of it.  Then there will be a lack of confidence by new investors.  I really think we are continuing on a down cycle through Feb 2009, but I also don't currently see the catalyst for improvement in 2009.  Basically, I think 2010 looks better.  So if I only liked 49% of the job and I believe the environment is bad, there is little motivation to look for a near term future on the Street.

I'm sure it will take time to get my strategic health care consulting up and running, I'm sure it will take more time to get this little toy company I've started up and running.  I'm sure there will be other opportunities to consider over time.  I'm sure there will be delays and disappointments along the way,  but I've never been so excited about giving these new venture a go.  

Goodbye suits, or associated guilt for not wearing the suit daily (yeah, I sweated that as I moved into coordinates).  Goodbye 9 to 5, or in my old world the 6:30 am to 9 pm, or more recent times 7:30 am to 5 pm.  Hello to the craziness I shall now try to embrace by seeking entrepreneurial, flexible, but cash generating work.  And,  I'm not afraid of the hours if the drive is there, but I want to see the boys; that wasn't a consideration 5 years ago when I made the first big shift from massively large Wall Street firm to smaller firm.  

Hello to breakfast with the boys, and occasional lunch dates with friends.  Welcome back to passion for the task at hand.  Tonight I go to be excited about tomorrow.  And I'm concerned about trying not to set my future in stone.  And even trying not to set too many balls in motion during the holidays.  Starting to think, Hey 2009, I'm ready for you when you get here!

11/14/08 - 12:15 pm

This morning I played with DS2, as he was the first to wake, and then walked DS1 to preschool.  I went to they gym, went to Barnes & Nobles to buy a calendar book, and then came home to make a cup of tea.  Ouch, I could get used to this!  Again today the brain and spirit are running.  I've come up with a few concepts for my little toy company and have decided I'm probably going forward with a children's book as well.   I've come up with a group of people I would like to touch base with in the Health care industry.  I've embraced the concept of wearing jeans regularly!  I am happy.

Complexity of Caring for a family

The parenting stuff is so much more complex than I can handle at times, that I just have to ignore some issues.  

I'm working on integrating the family, getting us all in school/work routine.  This meant getting some of the family's non-emergency care just had to wait.  For example, I'm just starting the Early Intervention Program.  This is the state funded program that helps any child with significant delays in speech, physical or cognitive delays under the age of 3.  As it is state funded, the child has to be evaluated and qualify by their approved people, then the state selects the amount of therapy, type of therapy and therapist (well, for the most part).  The good thing is it's a free evaluation, free therapy, and the therapy is supposed to happen at your house.

From the first request by a parent to final decision on therapy, is mandated to be no more than 45 days, but my process is slowly grinding moving forward. Which makes me feel a bit bad about taking so long to get started.  First, the lady whose job it is to tell me about the program upon my request was sick for a week.  Then, I am requesting  speech help, but they are requiring full developmental evaluation.  That is a nice precaution, but it requires another meeting which is tough on a working mom.  The program is supposed to evaluate the kid in your home, but since DS2 only heard Mandarin until 3 months ago, they decided he has to have a bilingual evaluation, which means we have to take him to a site in Chinatown, for both evaluations. I've already got the pediatrician sending in paper work.  But hey, I'm still waiting to get his hearing tested, so that throws a wrinkle into the evaluation problem I'm just not going to deal with (I actually think his hearing is fine, but the hearing test "should" be a priority due to the common hearing issues associated cleft palate).

Next, poor DH.  In the first month home I probably asked him to move out half a dozen times.  I don't know why he didn't go, and there is no need now.  He has been the last priority in this "adjustment" window.  And as other items get check off the "to do" list, he has risen in my priorities.  What "adjustment" as in adjustment time; reality is our life as we knew it is over.  There has been a structural change.  There is no going back.  But hey, we don't really know what lies ahead.  But I'm sure it is more "adjustments".

I don't even want to go into the job, where I'm excited about a few projects I'm working on but still have not moved them forward as quickly as I wanted to because of, time out for preschool (next post), time out for Halloween, time out for lunch with girls (read mental health), and other work stuff that sneaks up in priority.  

No great conclusion tonight, just admitting its all complex. 

Adopting again?

Sometimes people ask, are two kids enough? Are you done? Oddly, I don't think so, the nag just doesn't go away, I want more kids. However, I sure don't want them now. And I wonder what the hell I'm thinking even thinking about it. But I do think, maybe when the boys are older I'll adopt an older child. Older kids are out there and they need homes.

I'm struggling with how we'll pay for everything (think school/college) for the two boys, let alone more. Our apartment is not suitable for more than the four of us. It is totally impractical given how bad I feel about my lack of work success and lack of time with the boys and lacking mommie skills. Also the practicality of how hard it is to adopt makes me shiver. It is an emotionally charged process with more paper work than one can imagine. Then the adjustment, which I'm assuming we'll survive, as we are still in the midst of it. Then there is the desire to get the boys up and out on their own, so I can go back to having more free time again. My husband is 12 years older, so I do count on him dying first so I get my free time!

So there is a nag for more, while I'm in the midst of why I did it at all. Does it sound schizophrenic to you too? But I'll stuff it for now. No deep thoughts, I don't know, just thought I'd share this quandary today.