Photo thought: "Watch out, Mommie is on a RANT!!!"
Today is my birthday. I'm 41. I'm finally my own person in my own age.
I've always felt like I was born a 40 year old woman. I was cautious as a child, frankly too serious at way too young of an age. Then I followed that by taking life very seriously along the way. My husband tells me his motto is, "take life serious, but not yourself." Not me, I've always done both, taken life and myself too serious. The result; I feel I haven't laughed enough, I don't have enough fun.
I've also felt for the last few years that I was coming into myself. In the last few years I've learned to not be so serious all the time, or recognize when I'm a bit too serious. Over the last 40 years, I have loved every job I've had; starting with my first job doing dishes in a restaurant, to my last job on Wall Street. But I have also out grown all the jobs before I left them. That would be a BIG sign, like a billboard on my forehead, announcing my risk adverse nature. I have always taken pride in my work, or worked so hard that I could take pride in the product I produced. However, I have "happened" into all my jobs. They were there, they were to be had, there wasn't a ton of strategic thought going into the choices I made.
I've always loved my alone time. I like the idea of no responsibilities. I love my husband, but I have never though marriage is forever. I love my children, but I full heartily embrace the idea that the kids should grow up and lead their own lives. I have always love and cared for others, but I've wanted to do more than take care of just me and mine, but contribute more to the world as a whole.
In the last year, I turned 40. I celebrated my 10 year marriage anniversary, my eldest became 4, my youngest entered my life. A year ago I was frustrated at work, frustrated with the Chinese government (suck in the adoption "wait" = purgatory). I was wondering what was next.
In the last year, I've learned I'm human. I've cried more than I thought possible. But I have pushed beyond my comfort zone, physically, emotionally, responsibilities, and personal goals. I have found my own voice in what tickles me and makes me laugh, laugh out loud! In the last year I came to hate my life, wondering what in the world was I doing, why am I here? But in the last year I found that I love life, it is meant to be lived. In the last 365 days I have felt extravagantly rich and I've felt poor. Over the course of the year, I pushed every hurdle to make an adoption occur, then come to question why I ever chose to adopt and cause such chaos in my life. I have since found a grove with having two little men, and one big man, in my life. For the first time, I said no to the job opportunities handed to me, and chose to strike out on a new path, the unknown, unproven and start not one, but two new businesses!
Today, turning 41, I'm terrified. I have a new life in front of me. A life I chose. Not one that was handed to me, not one that just happened. A life I worked very hard to get. A life path that turned all my assumptions about me upside down. This new life is a discovery process, a gift, even if it is hard. I'm still figuring out how it fits, how to live it. I have found a way to blend thinking about business (money) and strategy (brain food) and farting (humor) into income. I have two boys that I chose to have. One that I worked incredibly hard for and am still struggling to understand. Yet, I'm a good mom. Not the best, but squarely in the good category. I have an amazingly supportive husband. I have friends that applaud my efforts, and are rooting for success. I have family that may on occasion think I'm crazy, but are also rooting for me. I have boys that think I have super powers.
It is time to get it done. I can be a mom, consultant, president of a toy company, wife, friend, and contributor. I'm not doing any of it as I "expected", I'm just hanging on by the seat of my pants. But there are high stakes, but I want to give it a go. I want to be an example for the boys that you can create your dreams. But I will remember, the path is not straight forward, and maybe I would never have gotten to this point if it was all easy. I've learned so much about myself this year. There are even things I've learned that I still don't know where it will lead (i.e., writing, parenting, business). But now is time for me to own it my life. I promise myself to try and find a few laughs along the way. Yeah, I'm terrified, and it is easy to get scared about the businesses, our expenses, the economy, future for the boys, the world coming to an end, etc. But if I'm going to tell the boys to pursue their dreams, it is time for me to pursue mine!
