2 months today

Today is two months since gotcha! Wow! What a different place I am emotionally, physically, spiritually in this journey.

Those first weeks were wild! I was ready to be the center of his world, I expected the cling. But I didn't understand that 24/7 cling is stifling for both you and the child. I expected the "under-sized" person to appear as the medical reports had prepared me. But, I had no idea how lack of muscle tone, let alone nutrition, could ravage such a tiny body.

Two months later, only two months, we are so much stronger! He walks/runs. He can easily get up when he falls. He can speak, and giggle in a way that melts your heart. He isn't profusely sweating all the time. He's not on my body all the time. He's over his cold and the virus causing the blisters. He's willing to brush his teeth while taking the nightly bath. His hair is soft, even if its still thin. He can push back, rather than just cry. He can say "mama", DS1's name, "bye bye" and "sausage". He can sign "all done" and "more" which gets him through a lot of situations. He responds to his new given name. He understands English, both the directive, like "go get that box", and the threat like, "do that again and I'm throwing it out".

But honestly, the first 14 days together in China did not prepare me for the hell that followed. When we came home, DH, DS1 and I, were returning to our comforts. We were throwing him completely out of his. Nothing remained the same, not the smells, the food, the air, the sounds, the language, nothing. Add in and mix jet lag for all involved, DH busy with work and me with two boys trying to figure it all out, and wow, life sucked! And I say this knowing that we had no major issues, all was actually going well. I took it out on DH, as he chose to work. I took it out on me, frankly, there is no reward in parenting, I'm just always disappointed that I don't do it better, do more, or finish every day with a sense of happiness. But within 14 days, this too was better. I found my stride, we all adjusted time wise, and DS2 decided any noodle would do.

At two months, I have greater freedom; babysitter is now involved as well as DH, I joined a gym. I think DH is struggling to bond. Not that this is unusual at all, frankly I think its not. Look at this way, for the first month he was tolerated, or rejected, by DS2 who preferred mommie. Now he has the boys in the mornings and is getting more involved with the basic care, which is not glamorous or sexy. In fact, when you are used to being Mr. Fun, it must really sucks. But I know, like me in another 4 weeks, he too will be in a different place.

And DS1 and DS2, they amaze me. They humble me. Like I said I can't do enough or be good enough for them. However, I'm what they have, and they accept me. Its those teenage years I dread. But we are finding our grove. I try some old tricks - DS2 now sits in the high chair in the kitchen while DS1 and I bake for preschool, with a drawer open, figuring out what all the tools are for. But we've also found new tricks, standing diaper changes and noodles with butter and peanut butter in an emergency.

Being an Adoptive mom is different than a biological mom, but I think these differences will subside. The real biggie which humbles me is that I feel like I owe another woman, somewhere on this planet, That I will never meet, that I do my best with her/my child. We share him. He is no longer hers, but he is not only mine. I think at some point I will believe him to be more "mine". Anyway, she did her best, which is horrible to have to consider, and now he is with me. The orphanage/Chinese government, well, they got him to me still alive; so I owe them a thanks, but here I do ponder how much thanks. Did I tell you on gotcha day he was wearing new clothes. Clearly someone else's donation which still had the stickers in it. Why didn't the orphanage let him were that daily, instead of all the photos I have of him in dresses? Also, they gave him to me with a viral infection that they couldn't figure out how to treat - random appearing blisters is not normal virus stuff.

I also don't know his full history and never will. This I'm letting go of daily and focusing on today and tomorrow. Somehow it has to occur, to make him mine. But at the same time, I won't forget the woman I'll never know who made this possible. I know her a bit, he smells like her. I hate to admit this, but DS2 doesn't smell like me and DS1. At first it freaked me out. I though when he started using our products it would change, but no. If this is the only thing that an adoptive mom doesn't get via adoption vs. birth, its not a bit item. However, I now view it as my link to her; he smells like her.

Well, I'm getting way too emotional; frankly I'm at work, so I'll end this here! Ode to 2 months, and I can't wait to see where we are in a few more months.