Judging the Mommie

When you have a biological child, you are judged by others as to how good of a parent you are, but it is done discretely, mostly out of earshot. People tend to keep their opinions to themselves, except for family, and
you don't have much of a say in the process. When you adopt, you are judged by numerous people, that actually have the power to say, "No, you do not get a child", and the process is actually in your face. I find this intimidating.

My hats off to those who have adopted without having the biological experience first, as the judging of mommie is humbling, intimidating and oddly embarrassing, I'm thankful that I have the ability to sit back, look at DS1 and think, "I haven't done a horrendous job, he's ok; well, so far." Let me start at the beginning.

First off, to adopt, you have to qualify to minimum standards of marriage length, age, income and cleanliness for the agency to even consider working with you. Then the governments start, both theirs and ours. There are lengthy legal checks (list every address you have resided in since 1970!), financial checks (including letters from your employer about your employability which they are so happy to give you in this environment, let alone being willing to ask them for the letter), health checks (yes, they asked I be tested for gonorrhea, who knew that was still around? but also they think my life might be more exciting than it really is), with each item including a set of finger prints ($$), that are notarized ($$), as well as application fees ($$) and copy fees ($$). These documents must be certified locally ($), then regionally ($$) and even nationally ($$$).

But the lynch pin of this process is the social worker; the person who works with you to understand why you are adopting (as if you didn't know), what kind of parent you expect to be (obviously, the best on the planet) and represent to both government(s) that you are worthy of adopting. What do you do if you don't click with the almighty social worker? I'll tell you, I fake it. Our social worker is really nice and professional. But she's 30, single, beautiful, and childless. She comes from wealth or sophistication, which you can only tell when you do not, i.e., me. I don't click with her; I really think it is impossible for to truly understand the strains of having children, to judge those that do. She doesn't have children. Is that an unfair statement, not understanding the strains of having children until you have some, no but I think it is true. I didn't get "parenthood" until I was in the thick of it. Frankly, I don't understand the strains of being 30, single, and childless in 2008, its just not my reality.

So the social worker comes into your house after meeting with you several times, to check out how you live, the space you'll provide for the child, and finally to decide if they will recommend to the other parties that you are worthy. This is a lot of authority. But also, I think it is good for DS1 to know in retrospect that yes, we qualify! For DS2 , down the road, he may really wonder what the standard was.

Today our social worker visited for the "post placement" visit. This is one of several to come. I was my usual blunt self, but still being polite. She just didn't get it that I was being honest.
Her, "How was it to meet you child"
me "Emotional, bizarre, like an arranged marriage"
Her, "But how was it those first few days"
me "Like taking care of the neighbor's kid"
Her "What is that like"
me "Have you not baby-sat? Really, like that."
Her, "But it is going well, there is a connection?"
me, "Its going extremely well, he's a good kid, we are connected, but that doesn't mean adjusting to a new routine for everyone in the household isn't' a healthy helping of hell."

After watching the boys jump on me, pull my hair, blow their noses on my body and hit one another, she was good to go. She reminded me that these visits are a requirement; like their going to take DS2 and run? I guess from her view it all looked normal. From my view there are extraordinary events occurring in my household and I'm amazed daily. That she's concerned about the problems and being normal makes me only want to emphasize this is not all that bad, and not all that normal to us.

I'm guessing as much as I dislike being judged, and may resent her a bit for being in the role, I bet she doesn't like having to say anything bad and is really looking for the angle to make me look good to the others in the process. None the less, the stress I place on myself to be a "good" mom, kind patient, fun, energetic, all knowing, all loving, really is more than enough. To know that someone else is also judging me, not knowing their standards, or even their minimum criteria, and that they are putting it on paper and sharing it with others is a huge bucket of cold water on my head. On a hot day I'm good for it, on a cold day it really sucks.