The sleep chronicles

Don't the boys look great in their beds! I LOVE it. But the process of getting them there is a huge struggle!

I made a mistake, on the sleeping front, very early after receiving DS2 . His entire first two years were in an orphanage, where I know he slept in a crib by himself for at least the last few months. Yet, when he came to us he was unable to put himself to sleep at night. While in China (the first two weeks), I put him in the chest carrier and walked with him until he fell asleep at night, about 20-30 minutes. When we came home, and for the first week, he went to bed with me, and once he was asleep, he moved to his bed. Then we had a week of vacation, there I would lay with him on the spare bed until he fell asleep. Both of these weeks the routine was bottle, then sleep. Then I started to get suspicious that as I was decreasing the size of the hole in the bottle - it was huge in China - that he was getting gassy, so I added burping to the mix.

I also knew from experience with DS1, that DS2 really needs to be falling asleep alone, but I fell victim to the routine myself. I was so tired, I really didn't mind lying down with him at 8 p.m. each night. Well, I realize with preschool starting for DS1 and return to work for me, the 8 p.m. nap for me was going to have to end. And he really needs to learn to fall asleep on his own.

I tried sneaking out as he was drifting off, he just cried. I tried rubbing his back/belly to get him to sleep, but that also didn't work. I'm not proud, but on the night my husband was out, I just put DS2 on our bed, turned down the lights and left the room, closing the door behind me. He cried for 15-20 minutes, but went to sleep on the bed. The next day I watched Supper Nanny and she emphasized routine and consistency. While supper Nanny is all about picking up the kid and returning to the bed, this doesn't work after about 30 tries, he just gets hyper-hysterical and moves to full tantrum with the constant rejection.

Then we had a pediatric visit and the doctor emphasized that he needs to fall asleep on his own. So here's the gut wrenching chronicle, but I'm still in the trenches here, hoping the end is in 2008. However I recognize two issues; (1) if I move him between beds he tends to wake up, as he seems to sense me more than DH, and (2) he doesn't understand repeated returns to bed he just clings to me and screams/bites.

My goal, lay him down, in his own bed, with him knowing I'm going to leave and no screams or tantrums, just going to sleep. This is not unrealistic, DS1 has hit this stage well over a year ago.

I started the process in our bed, I didn't think DS1 should be subjected to the ensuing activity. I tried a routine of bath, bottle, burp, go to room, close bathroom door (yes one night I found him on the floor in the bathroom), turn on night light, tell him it was sleepy time, lay him on bed, leave. If I leave the door open, he runs out. So I closed it. Yes, I let him cry it out, but generally he was sleeping within 15 minutes.

However, I don't think one should cry themselves to sleep. So after a two weeks, with him knowing the routine well, I changed the routine, in that I would try to sit by the bed, or on the floor. He stopped the crying, but I was back in the room for the duration. However I was satisfied in the slight success of not having to hold him, he was comforting himself more. Slowly I moved to the further outreaches of the room. However, if he happened to hear me leave the room, although I was trying to go when he was asleep, then we had full hysterics. DH thought this process was crazy.

Last night I decided to move him to his bed, with DS1, and give it a go. DH thought I was insane. Bath, snack, bed. I have bags under my eyes today!! First, DS1 was great as a model of staying lying down, and would tell him when I tried the out of room style to lay back down. Also DS2 would sit up and check on DS1, to make sure nothing was changing. I tried singing them a song, like I typically do for DS1, but DS2 took this as an invitation to play. Then I tried leaving them in there together, no go, DS2 ran out immediately. Then I tried sitting and calming him down, then moving out slowly; he came running out every time (I mean well over 20 times). Then I calmed him down. Laid him in the bed and went and sat in the rocking chair, where he watched me, until he was asleep (DS1 fell asleep in 10 minutes). I have bags under my eyes today!

DH told me I'm crazy, but not in those words. I think he's content with the leaving behind the closed the door, let him cry it out method. But I'm just not confident that is good for the psyche later in life. But I did have success last night, the boys slept in their own room, without me holding them! It only took an hour! So I'll stick with this plan for awhile. DS1 is thrilled to have DS2 sleeping with him. In the mornings they often emerge from the room together, or I'll go in and they are awake sitting together playing. It's just the getting to sleep that is painful.

Is it sleep issues or adoption issues? I don't know. We went through similar separation at night issues with DS1, but after picking him up and putting him back in bed 5-6 times, he typically didn't come running out any more. DS2 has greater stamina for the run. I'll have to increase my stamina or I'll be in the rocking chair for months to come. Always open to suggestions.

On a major positive note, generally both boys sleep through the night. Once they are down, they are down, so that is a huge blessing! they typically only wake if there is a really loud storm or the room gets unbearably hot/cold (this doesn't happen often).