Photo note: DS2 is trying to eat fruit with both chop sticks in one hand, obviously someone taught him before he joined us. DS1 is trying a less proven approach. Conflict, as in working-mommie.
As I come back from the weekend with a reminder of what it is like to be bitten by a toddler, I wonder, is there any way to really do it all? Additionally, its a very interesting week at work. But let me explain the dilemma.
Being with the boys is awesome. I spend my time with them, focused on them. There are no errands to run, no work to do, no house cleaning, because I work and squeeze the errands into my daily commute and because I have a decent job I can afford a once-weekly house cleaner. The time with the boys is all time with the boys. This I love. It is trying on the weekend, but I can do it because I know it is not forever, but glimpses of time to savor.
If I was home full time, I think they would not receive as much of my attention, or it would be stressful, as I would also be calculating how to get the house and errands done. The sitter during the day is also all about the boys; that is her job. She doesn't have clean or run errands, but she is awesome about filling their day with activities that are age appropriate and stimulating. Again, I would not be able to do that all day. I need adult time and the opportunity to flex some of my analytical/financial brain muscles. Even when I'm on holiday, work related ideas do creep in, I just know better than to share them with anyone.
On being at work, I like my job. I get paid to think about companies/industry/problems and how to make them all better. I learn everyday. My focus is the pharmaceutical industry. There is new science/discoveries every day. But guess what, I work on Wall Street, literally as in our address, and figuratively as in "those people". This week we saw the bankruptcy filing of a major firm, the selling of another to avoid a similar demise, and the folding of a major financial/insurance firm. I have no doubt another large impressive firm or two will fold by the end of the year. This makes for an interesting work environment as we all worry about our jobs, and our friends, and our friends jobs. Yet, fundamentally, while I think the market is broken, I like many aspects of my job. I want to keep my job as it is the majority of the family income.
The dilemma, I work for my family, I work for me. I want to be at preschool everyday, I want to go to every doctor visit, I want to work overtime on cool projects; I want it ALL. I totally hate to say this, but its just not possible. Five years ago, before having children I realized there was no having it all. It really pissed me off.
Today, I realize there is no having it "all", but I actually do have it all. I'm not perfect, I'm not excelling in any of my roles, but I have it all; mommie life, wife life, work life, tiny bit of me time (mostly on the subway). But having it all means there are bits and pieces of it all in everyday with a inconsistent rotating balance that always feels slightly out of control to me. I'm not the person I want to be, I want to be a better mommie, wife, person, employee, but I'm more or less getting the job done. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, having it all but not being it all leaves me something to shoot for. Yeah, it still kind of pisses me off.
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