The comparison is unavoidable

I recently read a poem, and it had a line that really hit me, "before I was a mother I didn't know the feeling of having a heart outside my body." Wow. How true!

There are so many things that I didn't expect when I became a parent. One is how far love reaches and how crushing it is because you don't control it. This last weekend was rain, rain, rain. That means no sunshine, time becomes suspended in a gray fog, and we spent entirely too much time indoors looking at one another.

I happen to love to bake, so I suggested that we make cookies to take to the fire-station. I also happen to think the guys at the station are cool, so I'm always up for a visit. DS2 is up for the ride, but isn't quite into the hero worship of the firemen yet. Well the heart break is every step of the way.

DS2 joins us in the kitchen. I strap him in the high chair and place him beside an open drawer where he explores the tools. When DS1 was just months old, this is how he would accompany me while I cooked. DS2 is doing the same things, examining the tools one by one, throwing some, making noise and interacting with us. It is great to see, but it is also heartbreaking. By the age of two, DS1 was already helping me; wearing an apron and mixing. The difference, exposure. I'm sure DS1 had been in the kitchen well over a hundred meals by the age of two. DS2, this was only his tenth to fifteenth time.

It's not fair to compare their respective skills even when they were both two years old, but it is my frame of reference for child development so it is hard not to do. He is already stronger than two months ago, but there is still so far to go on the interaction, language and emotional control. It is heart breaking. It makes me sad for him and worried about the future; how long will it take to catch up? Will he catch up? I just don't know; I believe he will.

But the comparisons don't stop there, I wonder am I stimulating DS2, or are the activities too oriented toward DS1. And isn't this a dilemma every mother of two or more faces? DS1 has a blast cooking, and I think DS2 has fun. He isn't crying, he's babbling and laughing with us, but its not like the activity seems to make his day. At the station, DS1 sits in the firetruck, gives the guys the cookies and is generally over the moon. DS2 is cool with the truck, not too sure about the guys, and just happy to be out and about. But is he getting enough stimulation? Are we doing things he really enjoys? When will I even know for sure what he enjoys? By now I had such a greater understanding of how DS1 thought/worked that we did things I knew he'd enjoy. DS2 is still in the reveal stage. We are still working it out.

I struggle with this also because I am reading another adoption parenting book. It is one of those books that talks about how all adopted children, particularly internationally adopted children are victims of post traumatic stress of the initial separation from the birth mom and then separation from care givers on transfer to me. Don't forget the surgeries in-between when DS2 was in the hospital, most likely with minimal friendly 24 hour support. Ok, I get it, the first two years were not in anyway ideal, but when I stop trying to over compensate and over worry over the years out of my control?

So is my heart on my sleeve? Nope its really outside of my body, and its hard to defend against all the supposed experts on parenting that offer crushing views on child development and its long term outlook.