First the kids create a lack of time for spending with the spouse. This is coupled by the kids causing an emotional drain that leaves little energy for DH, if not straight out jealousy as one spouse or another feels slighted/less loved, and as one spouse or another feels like they are caring too much of the work load taking care of the kids. Finally, it is the lack of time/energy for intimacy, which is how the kids got here in the first place.
I love my husband, but in the process of adopting, adding another child, another demanding child to our mix, I have asked him to move out more than once. Why he doesn't go, I don't know. But there he's still here and I glad he didn't go.
The odd part is that sometimes I'm sure I love him, more than the kids, but other times the kids really need me and he gets nothing; time, emotion, support, or thought. When DH and I are in a good groove as a couple, it is then that I resent the changes to our life that children brought the most. Then I swear the kids pick up on it and get more demanding of me, which ends some of the free time grove with DH.
Beyond my own feelings about "us", the kids bring out issues we have to address between us, before taking it to the kids. For example, bonding. Each of us is bonding with DS2 at our own pace. But I find comfort in that at least we can laugh together at the stupidity of some situations; even if other times we drive each other crazy over differences in how we want to do things (see below) with the kids.
Disciplining is often a touchy issue, as I'm more strict than DH. I think dressing them is a slight issue, as I don't care if they match; DH doesn't like it. I think food is an issue, as DH wants to eat at nice places, and I really don't like spending money for good food that I'm going to eat cold, after getting both kids "organized". Finally, there is the innately female ability to anticipate likely needs, which DH doesn't get that can lead to strife between us. For example, the other day we were coming out of the subway and I said, look at me, stroller and child in one arm, holding hands with the other child in the other hand. He said, " ok , so I'm not doing something." It is not that he's not doing something, it is that he just doesn't see it ahead of time like I do. I'm the planner, I anticipate. On a good day this is a little laugh, on a bad day this is the start of a fight.
I've never thought "marriage" is forever. I know there are things I won't tolerate, and things he too should not tolerate. I think kids really challenges most assumptions about why we throw our lot in together. However, tag teaming the kids is a good thing most of the time. And I still love my husband when I can carve out the time to be with him, not just around him. I don't think this issue is particularly adoption related, just parenting 101. But it was on my mind, so know it is on paper.
1 comment:
Funny how universal these things are to most marriages with children and that is children of any age. I know way too many couples who haven't made the effort to stay in touch and are now no more than roommates who have no idea what they will do together when there children are no longer the center of their lives or if they even want to. They are a family for the children and there is no longer an adult relationship beyond parenting. Its very sad. I'm glad you are aware of it! You have to make the effort to stay in touch and set time aside...have the date nights and weekends and remember what it is and who it is you fell in love with. It certainly isn't easy but nothing truly worth it is.
On another note...men aren't the planners and nurturers and very few will ever anticipate anything...get used to that now and accept it because it won't change on any kind of regular basis. They just don't see the world the way we do...at least not most and not when it comes to kids. Mine has teenage boys and I know he raised them before I came along and for the life of me I don't know how...but they lived! Maybe we just worry and want everything to be right more while they plunder ahead just thinking it will be.
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