Looking for gray hair

So I found myself looking in the mirror, actually searching for gray hair. Yes, I turned 40 this year, the photo is from the day earlier this year.

But on being 40... I'm not really sure I planned on having anything accomplished by the time I turned 40. I thought I would be a mom with a couple kids. I didn't plan on having a demanding career, but I thought I would pursue what interested me, which means I was naive to think I'd end up in a career that wasn't demanding. Now that I'm balancing work with kids, I totally feel like neither the job or kids get the time they need. enough mommie angst, on turning 40... I did expect to have gray hair, I'm sure my mom had gray hair by 40, that I'm shocked that after maybe 20 years of dying my hair -every shade of red, blue, orange, black and even peroxide blonde, that I now find myself feeling old, and no gray. I feel cheated.

Prior to the adoption, I would have said I don't feel old, I feel young for the first time in my life. OF course, I don't have gray. But right now, at this moment, I feel old. I'm not in synch with a set schedule, my meals are off, and I'm not regularly exercising. sleep is irregular. My knees ache when I get up from the floor. I need more light to read and my patience is thinner than it used to be. I want to say I'm "young at heart" but right now I feel too old to have two toddlers.

So what's up, the change; DS1 has decided he doesn't want to participate in anything and is sulky. That is anything other than a water activity. Its like suddenly I have a teenager. This is all starting right before preschool, which makes me wonder what type of explosion am I in for as he does start school. Will he decide two days into that he doesn't want to go anymore?

DS2 has decided he doesn't want to go to sleep by himself. It doesn't matter how long I hold him, rock him, sing, he wants to be held, only by me and only in an upright position. So when I lay him down he screams. I have to let him cry himself to sleep. This now means 15-20 minutes of crying out before calpasing in sleep. My concern, what am I doing to the "attachment" ? Am I destroying in the couple weeks before I leave for work?

DH, well, he's DH he has time to exercise and see friends. He means well and maybe I'm too tired, frustrated, confused at the moment to appreciate what he brings to the table. Also he's the fun guy with the kids, and I hate that he gets that role.

So yes, I'm feeling 40. I realize I need to control my weight and start exercising, and most importantly find a way to have fun, otherwise 41 might start feeling like 50! I need to laugh a lot more! I won't mind looking 50 if it comes with laugh lines and not worry wrinkles. My conclusion, I totally need to find ways to laugh more, the general life angst is too much at the moment. Yet, it is my fault, I wanted to expand the family.