Send him back

Photo: I like this one, its about the kids, but for a brief moment the Play Dough is the focus. Kind of like adoption, sometimes it becomes the focus, but it needs to be fleeting, as the time together is really about the kids.

I knew it was coming, I just didn't know when. But last night, I had the boys in the tub and DS1 has been acting out a bit lately, so I brought up the "its not always easy being the older brother" train of thought. And yes, it popped out. "Mommie, can we send him back to the other people?"

It wasn't phrased like, "let's send him back", it was more of general question. I said nope, he's with us now. He also asked, did they have bath tubs at the orphanage?, in the same inquisitive tone, so I don't think the first question was malicious. I said, I thought they did, but DS2 probably didn't get to spend as much time playing in the tub there as he does here, and that is why he doesn't like to come out of the tub.

On the new adoption parenting book, this stuff is good and bad. Its all written by some expert from their own experience. This doesn't mean they have had experience with my kid, but maybe there are patterns among behaviours in kids from the orphanage system? I find parenting pointers I like. Others I ignore. My most recent read is, "Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child: From Your First Hours Together Through the Teen Years" by Patty Cogen. I kind of like the overall approach. But it is written with a saying it out loud techniques that have an effect on the whole family, not just the adopted child. So far she hasn't addressed the idea that it affects the family.

For example, if DS1 falls to my feet screaming - which is likely to happen almost anytime - I'm to say to him, "I know that at the orphanage you might have had to be very loud and demonstrative to get attention, but you are here with me and part of our family now, so if you want me to pick you up just stand up and lift your arms to me and say "up". Well, I tried this, with this amazingly long, adult verbiage, and DS2 stopped crying, stood up and lifted his arms to be picked up! So next time I did it again and it worked. After a couple times, he's more likely to raise his arms first rather than just crumble to the floor! So I tried the technique - really just saying at the orphanage that may of been how you handled a situation, but as a member of a family this is how we do it, - and it has worked.

The unexpected consequence is that DS1 is asking more questions about "at the orphanage". Yuck! I want the kids to know the truth, but in age appropriate doses. Now I'm getting all sort of questions about the orphanage. I've offered to show DS1 photos, and he says yes, he really wants to see them. But he forgets by the time I've dried the two of them off and gotten them in their PJs. I want all the adoption issues to be open within the family, but wow, I find I'm still digesting the material.

So, check out the book, I like it better than most, but I'm only half way through, so there is time for me to decide I hate it yet. And yes, I'm keeping my boys although I do fantasize about those free and single days!