Gym Time

In my youth, 18-25 years of age, I used to work out regularly. I rode my bike, ran, went to aerobic classes, lifted weights, generally, I had an active life style. On the weekends I also waited tables - just try telling me that isn't a work out! Somehow along with a real job, more mature friends, a move to NYC, marriage and children, I became a desk jockey (or read added about 20 pounds to my average weight).

With the two months off with the boys, running around all day, with twenty pounds of DS2 strapped to my chest, I felt like I was in the best shape I'd seen in many years. Now this doesn't mean in-shape, or anywhere near my ideal weight, but better than the bag of potatoes I was three months ago. The first day I came back to work, I went to the gym next door and joined. No questions asked, just signed up with my gym shoes in hand.

Aerobics have evolved. I don't think its just that I'm pathetically out of shape, it is actually harder now! The music totally sucks, and is played so loud that they must think I can't move unless I'm motivated to run from the sound of a jackhammer pounding through the speakers. But I enjoy moving about, often missing the "correct" step, but I'm generally smiling, and I notice the rest of the class is not. But, I like working out in a group, so I'll stick with it. I've even taken the kick boxing class, which was a lot of fun!

The clothing has changed - the thong is gone! I can work out in tights, shorts, T-shirt, jog bra, sweats, or whatever. There no longer seems to be a standard required uniform other than expensive trainers or running shoes. no leg warmers. Even a couple of the teachers have shown up in street clothes, well hip street clothes, to teach.

Maybe it is just my gym, but locker room etiquette has changed. Women cover up and slide their underthings on and off while wrapped with a towel and fully cover themselves on their way to and from the shower. Two things perplex me on this front. First 99.9% of the women at my gym are in fantastic shape and really should have no fears of not covering up. Second, the towels at my gym are too small to cover me up, so should I use two? I'm not huge, I'm just tall. So if the towel is around my chest, then my buns are showing. If around the waist, well you know. Also, I'm a mom. My body is not what it used to be. I'm no longer proud. I also don't really care who sees it (which still shocks DH when I take the garbage out to the hall in my undies and t-shirt, we live beside two older women and a gay man, none of them will care). I wish when I was 18 someone would have said, hey quit all that worrying about how you look, because this is as good as it gets, you just gain and get saggy from here!

I am also meeting with a personal trainer once a week. She is cool, but about 25 years old. Last session she told me she respected the moms that come in because moms can do anything. Then she gave me 20 more squats with a 15lb bar. Actually she is motivating, and she tells me some day I will be able to suck in my stomach to see a difference again. I'm hopeful, not convinced. But I do think I'll have better stamina if not stomach muscles.

I'm excited about getting in shape. I realize I'm not shooting for my ideal shape, but just great mommie shape. This means, being able to run around with the kids without getting totally winded. DH likes to take the bikes out on the weekend (we put the kids in a little trailer), and I like being able to keep up. I think the boys are great motivation for this. I think everyday they add greater perspective to my life. Everyday. And hey, I'm not losing time with them, just don't tell my employer that I'm now sneaking out for lunch three days a week! And yes, no photo for this post, maybe once I've been working out six months.

Judging the Mommie

When you have a biological child, you are judged by others as to how good of a parent you are, but it is done discretely, mostly out of earshot. People tend to keep their opinions to themselves, except for family, and
you don't have much of a say in the process. When you adopt, you are judged by numerous people, that actually have the power to say, "No, you do not get a child", and the process is actually in your face. I find this intimidating.

My hats off to those who have adopted without having the biological experience first, as the judging of mommie is humbling, intimidating and oddly embarrassing, I'm thankful that I have the ability to sit back, look at DS1 and think, "I haven't done a horrendous job, he's ok; well, so far." Let me start at the beginning.

First off, to adopt, you have to qualify to minimum standards of marriage length, age, income and cleanliness for the agency to even consider working with you. Then the governments start, both theirs and ours. There are lengthy legal checks (list every address you have resided in since 1970!), financial checks (including letters from your employer about your employability which they are so happy to give you in this environment, let alone being willing to ask them for the letter), health checks (yes, they asked I be tested for gonorrhea, who knew that was still around? but also they think my life might be more exciting than it really is), with each item including a set of finger prints ($$), that are notarized ($$), as well as application fees ($$) and copy fees ($$). These documents must be certified locally ($), then regionally ($$) and even nationally ($$$).

But the lynch pin of this process is the social worker; the person who works with you to understand why you are adopting (as if you didn't know), what kind of parent you expect to be (obviously, the best on the planet) and represent to both government(s) that you are worthy of adopting. What do you do if you don't click with the almighty social worker? I'll tell you, I fake it. Our social worker is really nice and professional. But she's 30, single, beautiful, and childless. She comes from wealth or sophistication, which you can only tell when you do not, i.e., me. I don't click with her; I really think it is impossible for to truly understand the strains of having children, to judge those that do. She doesn't have children. Is that an unfair statement, not understanding the strains of having children until you have some, no but I think it is true. I didn't get "parenthood" until I was in the thick of it. Frankly, I don't understand the strains of being 30, single, and childless in 2008, its just not my reality.

So the social worker comes into your house after meeting with you several times, to check out how you live, the space you'll provide for the child, and finally to decide if they will recommend to the other parties that you are worthy. This is a lot of authority. But also, I think it is good for DS1 to know in retrospect that yes, we qualify! For DS2 , down the road, he may really wonder what the standard was.

Today our social worker visited for the "post placement" visit. This is one of several to come. I was my usual blunt self, but still being polite. She just didn't get it that I was being honest.
Her, "How was it to meet you child"
me "Emotional, bizarre, like an arranged marriage"
Her, "But how was it those first few days"
me "Like taking care of the neighbor's kid"
Her "What is that like"
me "Have you not baby-sat? Really, like that."
Her, "But it is going well, there is a connection?"
me, "Its going extremely well, he's a good kid, we are connected, but that doesn't mean adjusting to a new routine for everyone in the household isn't' a healthy helping of hell."

After watching the boys jump on me, pull my hair, blow their noses on my body and hit one another, she was good to go. She reminded me that these visits are a requirement; like their going to take DS2 and run? I guess from her view it all looked normal. From my view there are extraordinary events occurring in my household and I'm amazed daily. That she's concerned about the problems and being normal makes me only want to emphasize this is not all that bad, and not all that normal to us.

I'm guessing as much as I dislike being judged, and may resent her a bit for being in the role, I bet she doesn't like having to say anything bad and is really looking for the angle to make me look good to the others in the process. None the less, the stress I place on myself to be a "good" mom, kind patient, fun, energetic, all knowing, all loving, really is more than enough. To know that someone else is also judging me, not knowing their standards, or even their minimum criteria, and that they are putting it on paper and sharing it with others is a huge bucket of cold water on my head. On a hot day I'm good for it, on a cold day it really sucks.

Shout out to Honest Inspiration

A quick shout out to Cheryl Crow! You go girl? Not sure if anyone uses those phrases anymore, but I'm positive she doesn't read my blog. Really this is a kudos to the artist of the world that inspire us to keep living. Cheryl has a new album and it has kept me moving forward fora a couple weeks.

I've listened to it while cleaning the house, while writing, while cooking, or just when chilling around the house. I think its the honesty that gets me. She has loved and lost. But more importantly she's willing to talk about it.

It makes me appreciate that I'm not alone in my mood swings or responses to the world. I'm not happy with how the world is going, I'm doing my tiny contributions to make it better. I vote. I've loved so many things, and lost some, and sometimes my hope is just burnt. I guess that while I'm down I try to appreciate that it is the lows that give us the window to really appreciate the highs. But we also have to grab hold of the good things in life and appreciate them.

I find the more honest I am with people, and I've become rather blunt lately, they either get it and share in the moment, or the run to the hills away from the crazy lady to whom they are looking at. Last night I went to a new parent reception for DS2's preschool. It was cool; outside on a beautiful night. People kept asking how the adoption is going. I said, " great but it is also really hard and exhausting (ok, after the second glass of wine I actually said it was f---ing hell)." But really it is great and all has gone amazingly well. But that doesn't make adjusting to a major change in your life along with all the key people in your life also being in an adjustment period, easy.

Tomorrow the social worker comes for her follow up visit. I haven't decided how honest to be, because honestly, I've never really clicked with her.

2 months today

Today is two months since gotcha! Wow! What a different place I am emotionally, physically, spiritually in this journey.

Those first weeks were wild! I was ready to be the center of his world, I expected the cling. But I didn't understand that 24/7 cling is stifling for both you and the child. I expected the "under-sized" person to appear as the medical reports had prepared me. But, I had no idea how lack of muscle tone, let alone nutrition, could ravage such a tiny body.

Two months later, only two months, we are so much stronger! He walks/runs. He can easily get up when he falls. He can speak, and giggle in a way that melts your heart. He isn't profusely sweating all the time. He's not on my body all the time. He's over his cold and the virus causing the blisters. He's willing to brush his teeth while taking the nightly bath. His hair is soft, even if its still thin. He can push back, rather than just cry. He can say "mama", DS1's name, "bye bye" and "sausage". He can sign "all done" and "more" which gets him through a lot of situations. He responds to his new given name. He understands English, both the directive, like "go get that box", and the threat like, "do that again and I'm throwing it out".

But honestly, the first 14 days together in China did not prepare me for the hell that followed. When we came home, DH, DS1 and I, were returning to our comforts. We were throwing him completely out of his. Nothing remained the same, not the smells, the food, the air, the sounds, the language, nothing. Add in and mix jet lag for all involved, DH busy with work and me with two boys trying to figure it all out, and wow, life sucked! And I say this knowing that we had no major issues, all was actually going well. I took it out on DH, as he chose to work. I took it out on me, frankly, there is no reward in parenting, I'm just always disappointed that I don't do it better, do more, or finish every day with a sense of happiness. But within 14 days, this too was better. I found my stride, we all adjusted time wise, and DS2 decided any noodle would do.

At two months, I have greater freedom; babysitter is now involved as well as DH, I joined a gym. I think DH is struggling to bond. Not that this is unusual at all, frankly I think its not. Look at this way, for the first month he was tolerated, or rejected, by DS2 who preferred mommie. Now he has the boys in the mornings and is getting more involved with the basic care, which is not glamorous or sexy. In fact, when you are used to being Mr. Fun, it must really sucks. But I know, like me in another 4 weeks, he too will be in a different place.

And DS1 and DS2, they amaze me. They humble me. Like I said I can't do enough or be good enough for them. However, I'm what they have, and they accept me. Its those teenage years I dread. But we are finding our grove. I try some old tricks - DS2 now sits in the high chair in the kitchen while DS1 and I bake for preschool, with a drawer open, figuring out what all the tools are for. But we've also found new tricks, standing diaper changes and noodles with butter and peanut butter in an emergency.

Being an Adoptive mom is different than a biological mom, but I think these differences will subside. The real biggie which humbles me is that I feel like I owe another woman, somewhere on this planet, That I will never meet, that I do my best with her/my child. We share him. He is no longer hers, but he is not only mine. I think at some point I will believe him to be more "mine". Anyway, she did her best, which is horrible to have to consider, and now he is with me. The orphanage/Chinese government, well, they got him to me still alive; so I owe them a thanks, but here I do ponder how much thanks. Did I tell you on gotcha day he was wearing new clothes. Clearly someone else's donation which still had the stickers in it. Why didn't the orphanage let him were that daily, instead of all the photos I have of him in dresses? Also, they gave him to me with a viral infection that they couldn't figure out how to treat - random appearing blisters is not normal virus stuff.

I also don't know his full history and never will. This I'm letting go of daily and focusing on today and tomorrow. Somehow it has to occur, to make him mine. But at the same time, I won't forget the woman I'll never know who made this possible. I know her a bit, he smells like her. I hate to admit this, but DS2 doesn't smell like me and DS1. At first it freaked me out. I though when he started using our products it would change, but no. If this is the only thing that an adoptive mom doesn't get via adoption vs. birth, its not a bit item. However, I now view it as my link to her; he smells like her.

Well, I'm getting way too emotional; frankly I'm at work, so I'll end this here! Ode to 2 months, and I can't wait to see where we are in a few more months.

The sleep chronicles

Don't the boys look great in their beds! I LOVE it. But the process of getting them there is a huge struggle!

I made a mistake, on the sleeping front, very early after receiving DS2 . His entire first two years were in an orphanage, where I know he slept in a crib by himself for at least the last few months. Yet, when he came to us he was unable to put himself to sleep at night. While in China (the first two weeks), I put him in the chest carrier and walked with him until he fell asleep at night, about 20-30 minutes. When we came home, and for the first week, he went to bed with me, and once he was asleep, he moved to his bed. Then we had a week of vacation, there I would lay with him on the spare bed until he fell asleep. Both of these weeks the routine was bottle, then sleep. Then I started to get suspicious that as I was decreasing the size of the hole in the bottle - it was huge in China - that he was getting gassy, so I added burping to the mix.

I also knew from experience with DS1, that DS2 really needs to be falling asleep alone, but I fell victim to the routine myself. I was so tired, I really didn't mind lying down with him at 8 p.m. each night. Well, I realize with preschool starting for DS1 and return to work for me, the 8 p.m. nap for me was going to have to end. And he really needs to learn to fall asleep on his own.

I tried sneaking out as he was drifting off, he just cried. I tried rubbing his back/belly to get him to sleep, but that also didn't work. I'm not proud, but on the night my husband was out, I just put DS2 on our bed, turned down the lights and left the room, closing the door behind me. He cried for 15-20 minutes, but went to sleep on the bed. The next day I watched Supper Nanny and she emphasized routine and consistency. While supper Nanny is all about picking up the kid and returning to the bed, this doesn't work after about 30 tries, he just gets hyper-hysterical and moves to full tantrum with the constant rejection.

Then we had a pediatric visit and the doctor emphasized that he needs to fall asleep on his own. So here's the gut wrenching chronicle, but I'm still in the trenches here, hoping the end is in 2008. However I recognize two issues; (1) if I move him between beds he tends to wake up, as he seems to sense me more than DH, and (2) he doesn't understand repeated returns to bed he just clings to me and screams/bites.

My goal, lay him down, in his own bed, with him knowing I'm going to leave and no screams or tantrums, just going to sleep. This is not unrealistic, DS1 has hit this stage well over a year ago.

I started the process in our bed, I didn't think DS1 should be subjected to the ensuing activity. I tried a routine of bath, bottle, burp, go to room, close bathroom door (yes one night I found him on the floor in the bathroom), turn on night light, tell him it was sleepy time, lay him on bed, leave. If I leave the door open, he runs out. So I closed it. Yes, I let him cry it out, but generally he was sleeping within 15 minutes.

However, I don't think one should cry themselves to sleep. So after a two weeks, with him knowing the routine well, I changed the routine, in that I would try to sit by the bed, or on the floor. He stopped the crying, but I was back in the room for the duration. However I was satisfied in the slight success of not having to hold him, he was comforting himself more. Slowly I moved to the further outreaches of the room. However, if he happened to hear me leave the room, although I was trying to go when he was asleep, then we had full hysterics. DH thought this process was crazy.

Last night I decided to move him to his bed, with DS1, and give it a go. DH thought I was insane. Bath, snack, bed. I have bags under my eyes today!! First, DS1 was great as a model of staying lying down, and would tell him when I tried the out of room style to lay back down. Also DS2 would sit up and check on DS1, to make sure nothing was changing. I tried singing them a song, like I typically do for DS1, but DS2 took this as an invitation to play. Then I tried leaving them in there together, no go, DS2 ran out immediately. Then I tried sitting and calming him down, then moving out slowly; he came running out every time (I mean well over 20 times). Then I calmed him down. Laid him in the bed and went and sat in the rocking chair, where he watched me, until he was asleep (DS1 fell asleep in 10 minutes). I have bags under my eyes today!

DH told me I'm crazy, but not in those words. I think he's content with the leaving behind the closed the door, let him cry it out method. But I'm just not confident that is good for the psyche later in life. But I did have success last night, the boys slept in their own room, without me holding them! It only took an hour! So I'll stick with this plan for awhile. DS1 is thrilled to have DS2 sleeping with him. In the mornings they often emerge from the room together, or I'll go in and they are awake sitting together playing. It's just the getting to sleep that is painful.

Is it sleep issues or adoption issues? I don't know. We went through similar separation at night issues with DS1, but after picking him up and putting him back in bed 5-6 times, he typically didn't come running out any more. DS2 has greater stamina for the run. I'll have to increase my stamina or I'll be in the rocking chair for months to come. Always open to suggestions.

On a major positive note, generally both boys sleep through the night. Once they are down, they are down, so that is a huge blessing! they typically only wake if there is a really loud storm or the room gets unbearably hot/cold (this doesn't happen often).

Working mom Complex

Photo note: DS2 is trying to eat fruit with both chop sticks in one hand, obviously someone taught him before he joined us. DS1 is trying a less proven approach. Conflict, as in working-mommie.

As I come back from the weekend with a reminder of what it is like to be bitten by a toddler, I wonder, is there any way to really do it all? Additionally, its a very interesting week at work. But let me explain the dilemma.

Being with the boys is awesome. I spend my time with them, focused on them. There are no errands to run, no work to do, no house cleaning, because I work and squeeze the errands into my daily commute and because I have a decent job I can afford a once-weekly house cleaner. The time with the boys is all time with the boys. This I love. It is trying on the weekend, but I can do it because I know it is not forever, but glimpses of time to savor.

If I was home full time, I think they would not receive as much of my attention, or it would be stressful, as I would also be calculating how to get the house and errands done. The sitter during the day is also all about the boys; that is her job. She doesn't have clean or run errands, but she is awesome about filling their day with activities that are age appropriate and stimulating. Again, I would not be able to do that all day. I need adult time and the opportunity to flex some of my analytical/financial brain muscles. Even when I'm on holiday, work related ideas do creep in, I just know better than to share them with anyone.

On being at work, I like my job. I get paid to think about companies/industry/problems and how to make them all better. I learn everyday. My focus is the pharmaceutical industry. There is new science/discoveries every day. But guess what, I work on Wall Street, literally as in our address, and figuratively as in "those people". This week we saw the bankruptcy filing of a major firm, the selling of another to avoid a similar demise, and the folding of a major financial/insurance firm. I have no doubt another large impressive firm or two will fold by the end of the year. This makes for an interesting work environment as we all worry about our jobs, and our friends, and our friends jobs. Yet, fundamentally, while I think the market is broken, I like many aspects of my job. I want to keep my job as it is the majority of the family income.

The dilemma, I work for my family, I work for me. I want to be at preschool everyday, I want to go to every doctor visit, I want to work overtime on cool projects; I want it ALL. I totally hate to say this, but its just not possible. Five years ago, before having children I realized there was no having it all. It really pissed me off.

Today, I realize there is no having it "all", but I actually do have it all. I'm not perfect, I'm not excelling in any of my roles, but I have it all; mommie life, wife life, work life, tiny bit of me time (mostly on the subway). But having it all means there are bits and pieces of it all in everyday with a inconsistent rotating balance that always feels slightly out of control to me. I'm not the person I want to be, I want to be a better mommie, wife, person, employee, but I'm more or less getting the job done. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, having it all but not being it all leaves me something to shoot for. Yeah, it still kind of pisses me off.

How DS1 views adoption

On the play ground shortly after we returned from China, I meet one of DS1's friend's older sister. She's 7. She didn't believe DS1 had a brother and came to check him out for herself after DS1 had told her he was there.

She informed me, "He's adopted, his face is not like yours". I said "yes, he is adopted, he is DS1's brother and we all have different faces." She was cool with that. DS1 was happy with that response. However, this made me think that while I had told DS1 we were adopting, I wasn't sure I had told him that he himself was not, and the "blended family" approach is something I might need to give him ammunition on. But what do you tell a 3, almost 4 year old?

So, we had a talk. I only wanted to explain basics and not give more information as necessary. But I also want him to have the ammunition necessary to explain things to friends or on the playground. I told him he grew in my belly. That all babies grow in some one's belly, specifically women's, bellies. That DS2 grew in his mommie's belly in China. However she wasn't able to take care of DS2 and asked us to help out. We did so, because we wanted another child in the family. Now he is my son, his brother. That they happen to came from different women's belly's, but that we were a family now. He had no questions. He just wanted to know who else we were going to play with that afternoon.

A week later we went to a karate introductory class, without DS2. We were a bit early, and the teacher was trying to make small talk with him, which if you have ever tried to make small talk with a 3 year old, is an interesting task. He asked DS1, "what did you do this summer? "
"I got a new brother."
"Did the stork bring him?" the teacher asked.
"We got him in China" stated matter of factly.
"Wow."
"I'm from China too!" says my blond-haired blue-eyed son.
"Really?"
"Yes, but I came first!"

Given he's starting preschool, I'm sure more questions are to come. I'm trying to bring it up once a week or so, just to see if there are any questions.

Sunday night he surprised me and asked me why DS2 blows his nose a lot. I hadn't expected to discuss cleft lip/palate this early, but I jumped in. I reminded him that DS2's mommie in China need help taking care of him and one of the reasons was that DS2 had a hole between his mouth and nose. That made it hard for him to eat. I further explained that most of the hole has been fixed. However, DS2 blows his nose sometimes because there is still a little hole in there and he is cleaning it. Going for the boy approach, I explained that if we feed DS2 spaghetti bolognese, we might get some red sauce out his nose. This lead to an interesting discussion of the rest of bath time talking about different foods we could give DS2 to make different colors. Of course, DS2 was there for the whole discussion and didn't seem to mind.

New orphanage/adoption book

There is a new book out there being discussed within the adoption community, Kay Bratt's book called, "Silent Tears; A Journey of Hope in a Chinese Orphanage." If you care about Chinese orphans and want to learn more about the typical orphanage, it's a gripping read. Also, it is current; she just left the orphanage in 2007. But there is a worthy discussion going on about the value of the book. Let me explain.

Kay went to China, following her husband who received a job to build a manufacturing plant. She was there for four years and during that time volunteered, then organized volunteers, at a chinese orphanage. I do not know her and mean her no harm, but from my read of the book, my impression is that she spent most of her time in an ex-pat society or at the orphanage, so she really stayed mystified at many Chinese culture/customs. Accordingly, she paints some of their customs as silly to stupid. While her experiences seem sincerely expressed, she does come off a bit spoiled, impolite and intolerant.

However, she did raise money and change some of the treatment options at an orphanage. In her discussion of these changes, she may have faced a few additional battles because of her lack of depth of understanding of how far "saving face" reaches within institutions/organizations. She paints an amazing picture of the daily ins and outs of life at an orphanage; no surprise, its pretty horrible. I have heard stories of worse and better orphanages, so I my naive impression is that this is pretty much a run of the mill/normal orphanage, not a really bad one.

The book is of value, because it starts to outline a picture of daily life that adoptive parents could only guess at before. The book is difficult in that no one wants to face the realities of how our children were unprotected before they joined us. The book is very difficult in that it may make people question whether their donations to the orphanage make sense, or if there are anyways to alter the system. The question is whether the book could be bad, in that if the Chinese realize it paints the orphanage system badly, there will be no future volunteers and even adoptions themselves could freeze up.

There is a discussion around her motivation for the book. She states it is to make adoptive parents aware, general people aware and bring greater hope to the system. However, some question her motives as she did not chose not to adopt. However, she is a mom of a complex family; two biological children, both girls, one living with the father, the second living with her and her second husband. Also, she took a few children home for weekend visits, and this raises the question of how disruptive this could have been to the children. Honestly, I'm still not sure of my opinion on these items, so no judgement. I don't think anyone should adopt unless (1) they really want to and (2) they understand what they are getting into. So I can't fault her for not adopting. I also don't know if it is good for the kids in the orphanage to have a treat or if she was setting up false hope.

The book is hitting the stores at a difficult moment for those involved in adoption of Chinese children; frankly the government has changed the rules and many who thought they would qualify no longer do. Also the wait for children is very long; for healthy babies, 3-5 years is a possibility and even in the special needs program its more of a >1 year stand now.

Bottom line, its hard not to comment on the book. It is a worthy read, it is interesting and informative, even if I walked away from the book not "liking" the writer.

Looking forward to the weekend

It's totally a catch-22. I love being back at work, but I love my boys, and I miss them. While its good to have routine and structure (i.e the job), and truly great to have adult things to work on and think about (i.e., work and colleagues), I'm ready to hangout this weekend in toddler land!

It is supposed to rain all weekend, which creates the challenge of what to do, but this too should be fun. I'm thinking tents and forts, baking, stacking blocks, maybe the train set can come out. Of course there will be laundry, dishes and sorting the mess from the week, but yeah, I finally am looking forward to that too.

DS2 this week has started saying "more" instead of just signing it, and saying "high five" when he gives them. These are the things I'm missing out on, that I want to see. His first four words with consistent use has been; mama, DS1's name, bye bye, and sausage. DS1 tells me about preschool at night, but I know he wants to talk about it more and is missing the family play time. Last night he said he wanted to go to work with me, or better, I should go to school with him. I agreed that sounds like fun, but we compromised that we'll play this weekend.

DS2 had a doctors visit, he gained 1 and 1/2 lbs this month!! yeah!! It is amazing, but great. He is a good eater and focused on protein and fat. he's not interested at all in rice or bread, but will do any form of pasta. To gain weight is actually a lot of food intake. First he's more active, so that's burning calories. Also the brain is growing big time which takes a lot of calories, then the extra goes to the weight gain. So far he is very healthy, but we had to take more blood to re due his titer checks on Hep B and Polio vaccines, as they came back negative although his vaccine records report multiple immunizations. However what he was given may have been old/defunct, so better to check now.

I'm starting to get anxious to get him to the surgeons office, but that visit isn't until early October! But the language development has totally surprised me and I take it as a good sign. I'm sure speech therapy is in our future, but getting scheduled for all the appointments takes longer than I would have guessed. But, honestly, I'm not rushing it too much, as he appears to be doing well and I'm constantly testing his hearing to make sure that is solid. (Note; CL/CP kids often get fluid in their ears due to the muscle that helps drain the ears being in the affected part of the palette. When the ears hold too much fluid they have hearing loss; which is totally fixable, but also generally leads to inserting ear tubes).

Historically, I'm not a vaccine fan. As a family we have not had flue shots in years. However, the doctor brought this up. She thinks DS2 will likely need it this year because he's going to be exposed to so many new viruses here. Also, DS1 having started preschool is in prime petri-dish environment. So those moms that have been there, done that, let me know your experience with the flu vaccines.

Have a great weekend!

Did you hear the "Click"?

Nope, neither did I. However, as I write today I know something did "click" and we are in a grove as a family unit!

I'm back at work and it kind of feels good. Yeah, I want more time with the boys, more time for myself, but its unrealistic. So, I'm at work, and a bit excited about a few things I'm starting here.

DS1has started preschool, and LOVES it. He is good to go in the mornings with no complaints, happy to tell me about it in the evening, and so far his teacher thinks he's doing great. Oddly, DH is struggling a bit with pre-school, just the concept of it and that he himself didn't enjoy school a lot. Its interesting that as you children reach various stages we revisit how those stages impacted us.

DS2 is in a groove. He is content with the daytime sitter, happy to see DS1 in the afternoon, happy to see DH and I at night. He is eating well (Dr. visit tomorrow to see if he's gaining weight), all the test came back healthy, he is finally in a napping routine in the afternoons, and I have a routine for putting him to sleep at night even though he still cries at bedtime.

DH is pitching in with morning care of the boys until the sitter arrives, and taking DS1 to preschool. He has also started helping a bit more around the house. This is great!

I think of how much I hated life when we were just home a day or two, the sleep deprivation, the exhaustion, and I realize it was so temporary! I still get tired, and emotionally drained, but I'm not hitting zero lately. DS2 is still a bit like the neighbor's kid, but I'm very attached and not ready for the neighbor to return.

And a big thanks to all my firends that told me to hang in there. Photo attached is just one of those souls who means so much to me, and the boys! Yes, five years from now when we get together for picnics with the boys, we'll have to carry creates of food! So, even if I don't call everyday, I am lucky to have people to call, which means you all can call on my anytime!

Change is good

Just a quick note tonight;today was rainy, but hot. Its the last Saturday before starting back at work, so lots of family time. We baked cookies for school, went out splashing in the rain, and played with all sorts of toys aorund the house. It's interesting though, everyone has become accoustomed to mommie doing it all. Little things throughout the day made this clear. DH was talking on the phone and watching DS1 play with my nice tea set from China. It just didn't click that this was (1) a nice item, (2) breakable and (3) just not a good idea. Then after dinner, DH was being scoleded by a very angry almost four year old, DS1, that he was not drying his toes "properly". DS2 came running out of the bathroom naked the first time, and the second he had his pajamas on backwards! The adjustments will be fun, but good for all of us!

Preschool Starts

"Yeah!" for the people who teach preschool. I am consistently amazed at the souls that choose interacting with the under five crowd as a way to make a living. This is an emotional, sensitive and wet (snotty, among other liquids) group. Bless them!

DS1 was a trouper yesterday and walked around the room, play space, cubby holes and all that jazz with the assistant instructor while DH and I sat with the primary instructor; in tiny little chairs at a tiny little table (no tea or pills involved). She, the lead teacher, is very cool. I liked her from the moment she said hello. The assistant instructor also very cool, and a Latino! Great vibes! In NYC, and I think NY state, all preschool teachers have to have a master degree. This blows my mind, but clearly creates some great educational environments.

We chatted on what DS1 does when he's mad (not really much), his general awesome temperament, what things he enjoys, his verbal (extreme!) and counting skills (still working on getting passed #5). He had no food allergies, so all good there. I did volunteer to bake for the class, anything they need. And yes, I've already been called on for monday; my mission is cookies without any egg product; so far thinking oatmeal raisin, but I'll come up with a few choices to cover the next few weeks. I love to bake when the end product quickly moves out our front door it is clearly a win-win scenario for the enjoyment of baking and the size of my thighs.

We also took DS2 along for the meeting. He loved the classroom as well. I mentioned the obvious, that he was adopted, but then also mentioned he was adopted just 6-7 weeks ago. I wanted them to know in case DS1 brought it up in class since it is all (adoption and preschool) is so new to us. Big surprise, DS1's new teacher, and educator of 20 years, African-American (Im guessing, could be Latina?), is an adoptee!! She volunteered the information in a happy and excited tone! I didn't ask any question, but I can't wait too.

This morning was the official first day of class, albeit with half the kids, and only half the half day, which means around an hour and only 10 kids. DS1 and I went to preschool, after cooking breakfast together with DS2 and the sitter. It was the first time DS2 was in the kitchen while cooking and it was fun. DS1 was trying to get him to help, but he really just wanted to watch and chew on a spatula, which, in my view, is a good start. The sitter just takes notes. She hadn't made scrabbled eggs with cheese before, so she thought that was cool, but was worried that I let DS1 break open all the eggs. But we had a great hour together cooking and eating and all bonding all four ways!

Back to preschool, it was cool. We went to our, or DS1's, cubby and put in the clothes for "accidents" and deposited the puppy that "had" to come along from home. And I put in my bag assuming that I'd be staying. Of the 10 kids there, and I should say half have a different head teacher and assistant, so in total we were 2 head teachers, 2 assistant teachers, 10 kids and 10 accompanying adults, there was only two other mommies, the rest were sitters. Clearly, this is a working crowd. Several kids had siblings in the upper levels, which made them familiar with the school. Only one little girl had not been to any separation class and was clinging. The rest were into exploration, but mostly parallel play, which is clearly a step back from his typical play-date or playground pick-up game. The teacher said this is common until the parents disappear and then the kids really start talking to one another. Overall, I think he had fun. I was jealous, it is definitely a cool way to spend a few hours; play dough, blocks, animal toys, gym and song and circle time.

On the way out, I asked the teacher if there was an adoption network at the school. She said no, but that she would help me get one started. I'm excited about this. The school is a pre-K through 12th grad school, with about 40 -50 kids at each grade, and we are in the heart of NYC, so I'm guessing there will be 10-15 adopted families, and maybe a few considering the choice? We'll find out more in a few days.

My goals in preschool are:
-for DS1 to have a blast, and maybe to learn too count to ten
-for DS2 to get some age and skill appropriate play time for him
-for me to meet some cool parents, and
-to not over extend myself and become too involved.

Well, in two days of school stuff, I think goals #1 and #2 are looking good, and I'm only obligated to baking for any and all occasions and starting an adopted family network! Awesome!

Asian Centric

I'm curious when I won't feel funny about being with DS2, or even both boys together, in front of Asians (or should I say Asian looking souls?)? At least when I have both boys with me, well frankly, even if I'm with only one of them, in NYC I look more like the nanny than the mommie; Neither child actually looks like me.

Most all my interactions in the public domain with the boys and the local Asian community have been totally positive. However, I always feel a bit funny, like I should explain why he is with me (although I never do). I wonder if they think well or poorly of our situation, although I never asks; but sometimes I get unsolicited positive feed back. And I just don't know why I feel weird about it. Trying to come up with a similar idea to share the feeling, its kind of like when you go out dressed in the costume of another culture without explanation. People either think you are eccentric, which I might be, or off to a costume party. People in NYC as diverse as they are, just aren't accustomed to lieder hosen or mexican sombreros on an ordinary day.

Sometimes people ask where is he from, which I can answer, Jiangxi provence in South East China. But then they'll ask "does he know or speak Chinese?" He still seems to understand Mandarin when spoken to him, but doesn't say any Mandarin words now. They'll ask if I'm learning Mandarin, or if he's taking lessons. That always hurts. I'd love to, but no time; give me a break I work full time, have two toddlers and like to spend time with them, not just run them to classes. I'd love to have him learn Mandarin but, we'd like to get the english down first. And yes I'm broken hearted that I'm not totally fluent in Spanish, so I know what it means not to have him in classes now. Also DS1 and I study Spanish, so should DS2 as well? What can I say they are both NYers, so they will "hear" it all.

I sometimes fear the Asian person in question will think I'm not doing enough as a mom, or not taking care of him appropriately. Not teaching him enough about his first culture, only his second. I wonder how I'll tackle the whole you were available to join us because of political and social pressures in your home country that weren't as pervasive here. What intrigues me is that everyday he looks a bit less Chinese to me, just more like my kid. Also I'm becoming less concerned with the size and shape of his head; he'll grow into it, he is growing into it.

But I know I am becoming more comfortable with the obviousness of our relationship. This weekend I was chatting with a lady at the play ground and she asked which were my boys. I said, "The blonde one with the bucket and the Chinese kid next to him". Maybe I was too blunt, because she didn't ask any questions.

End of the First Inning

Well, today is the end of the first inning of my new game; mommie to two. Tomorrow starts the second inning; DS1 starts preschool, and my mornings alone with DS2 are over. Tomorrow, we all go to preschool and on thursday and friday just DS1 and I. I'm taking advantage of the preschool phase-in to also introduce DS2 to a full day with the daytime sitter. Thursday and Friday they will be together all day, but I still can connect with them for lunch. Monday, yes Monday, I'm back at work.

DS2 was a good boy this morning. We went to the dinner had a great breakfast, and I may be the only one to hear it, but I swear he can now say "sausage" clear as day!. After breakfast, we went shopping/exploring. I figure with school/work starting it was time for me to revisit the grocery story and see what kind of food short cuts are available. Personally I like to cook from scratch, but with all of us trying to figure out our new routines, it simply isn't realistic anymore. We didn't buy anything, but we touched everything in the store! I think the clerks thought we were bizarre.

The things that caught my eye - there now exist boil and mix asian noodle kits, but the hamburger helper of my childhood is gone. There were lots of other pre-made pasta sauces and plenty of noodles to choose from that I could make my own hamburger/tuna helper. We found already made peanut-butter and cracker snacks! We found frozen vegetables without preservatives and fruit pre-cut in syrup. Another childhood favorite I couldn't find, but honestly I don't think I would let the boys eat it, although it was truly my favorite after-school snack; pre-cooked hot dogs with cheese bits inside. DS2 is on high fat protein diet, so the full fat yogurt and pudding snacks will come in handy.

We played at home for a while and I told him all about the impending changes. I think he understands a fair amount of what I say. Clear the gist of day-to-day activities, but maybe a dozen or so single words. At lunch time, our usual hand off to the sitter, DS2 gave me a firework display. It was either designed to let me know he understood the conversation about our last morning together on a weekday, or designed to scare the begezers (don't know the correct spelling here and spell check didn't help) out of the sitter!

When I think about our 8 weeks together, wow, we've both grown. I'd like to say with the language and physical changes on his side, he's grown the most, but I'm giving him a run for it. I feel more and more like an adult daily. I know I've got responsibilities that I must see too; the kids, DH, the house, and the extended family. But I'm also seeing the importance of carving more time for ME as well. I've had the luxury of not working for a few weeks, but I think I've cleaned up the house a bit and simplified a few things around here, so it will work a bit smother going forward. I think the boys are ready to have more fun and less instruction on how to behave, so they may not miss me totally. I feel stronger about and more deeply in synch with DS2. It's still a bit like taking care of the neighbor's kid, but at least now I feel a greater sense of ownership and responsibility to the neighbor. I feel like the mother of two, not just one.

Second inning, bring it on!

Institutional signs

There are many unanswered questions, but its the little stuff that surprises me.

Someone asked if the trip to Block Island was the first time DS2 saw the sea. I paused and said, yes. Reality check, I don't know, but his home town wasn't close to the sea, and we sat in the middle of the plane when we flew, so I thought yes was the appropriate answer.

Someone asked if he had any food allergies, I have no idea. But he has food opinions. And yes, I have to remind myself to let him try everything because you just don't know what he was exposed to. For example he loves sautéed celery, even dh won't eat that.

But what I wonder about...
......Why is he so afraid of birds? dogs? cats? He likes to see them, but doesn't want them too near. I think it was just lack of exposure as in the last couple weeks he has warmed up to them.
......Why does he stop at a doorway and ask permission to go through? There is nothing stopping him, he should run; it breaks my heart to see his lack of courage to step through. This is true even when we are walking around the house, he hesitates before entering any room.
......Why doesn't he just get up and get the toy that is 6 inches out of grasp? Was he strapped down? or were things locked up? But he will sit and cry even if it just rolled out of his hand until I push him the necessary 6 inches (yes, push gently).
.......How did they teach him the standing diaper change, and why?
.......The inability to share a toy - well that one is easy to explain when the orphanage has like, nothing.

Sometimes if he is startled, he'll jump into my lap at lightening speed face in and form a ball. Sometimes now he bites me. These are little things. I know other adoption moms have similar signs and hints to prior experiences. Those that adopted older children actually hear stories from the kids on orphanage life. There are things I (we) won't know.