Calls from the road

Definitely part of parenting that is hard is that toddlers, particularly DS2 who isn't clearly talking, can't tell me what they need, what they want, what is working and what isn't. And as a parent, I do things for the boys even if it is hard for me. Phone calls home, while on the road, go in this category.

While I have been on the road this week, I've been calling home to talk to the boys. I believe this important; it lets them know I am still alive, still care, and still plan on coming home. But I also wonder what they get out of it. If they are having fun with a toy or each other, I can hear them telling the sitter they don't want to talk to me. Frankly, this is a crushing blow to me. But DS1 usually will eventually take the phone. Once on the phone, instead of saying he's having fun or misses me, or doesn't miss me, I get random silly comments like, "are you fooling around?" "Are you hitting your poopy buttocks (thank you DH for the vocabulary lessons)?" "When are you coming home?"

I try to explain I'm off working. I ask about their day, school, friends. I share stories, like if I saw a firetruck or something interesting. Then I hang up and just miss them badly and feel like a shitty parent for not being there. Even worse, but it is better to know than not, is to hear the reports from DH and the sitter that DS2 is running around the house asking for "moma". That he searches my bedroom office for me each time he comes into the house. When DS2 takes the phone, he tells me stories I don't understand and gives the phone kisses. I know he misses me, but seeing/hearing the evidence is painful. I miss him too.

Being on the road is not all bad. I get to take a long shower without anyone watching me or asking questions. I get to go poop without having a conversation with a toddler about what I'm doing. I sleep without worrying that every sound in the night is one of the boys needing help. I get to eat my food while it is hot. However, I miss them greatly. I always carry pictures and look at them often.