Over the course of the weekend, it seemed like one theme kept creeping up on me although, it was hard to put it all together at first. The theme was, expectations vs. reality = life. I've been examining my life a lot lately; recent big changes and my birthday have sparked that fire. Frankly, I haven't been a planner, I haven't had a direction. I have lacked a "clear" expectations of what I wanted from life, I've lacked long term goals. I know what I find unacceptable, but the rest has been pretty loose.
Over the weekend, hanging with different groups of moms, at different events/gatherings, there was discussion on "what we expected family-wise"; i.e., to grow up and have a kid, a couple kids, or a big family. Having money to pay the bills, a big house with a yard, or even a school system we could afford. I've had fantasies of running a cafe in Europe, but generally I assumed I would have children, a couple, but my "visions" or "daydreams" about that life were pretty limited to vignettes of me running around doing things with a couple school-aged kids, not babies. Pictures of us on the move.
Some of my friends had much more specific expectations; having a large family in the countryside, having beautiful baby girls with rolling curls, of not having children. None of us were planning for kids with behavioural, physical, or emotional issues. We didn't think our kids would need therapy - for anything. We didn't expect surgical interventions would be required. We didn't expect it would be so hard to parent (this is such a dirty little secret!! but Parenting, staying active in your child's life and being a good example, is not easy!)
What really struck me though was those with the clearest visions of their futures, seemed to me to be having the hardest time with the reality they were handed. And I'm not saying my friends with plans had the kids with the biggest issues, not by a long shot. It just seems the expectations were so ingrained that the failure of meeting them now appears to be a heavy burden. I also add "at this moment" because I do get that our kids, and our relationship to them, changes greatly over time.
I love my boys, I love that they are their own persons. I see DH struggle when the boys don't meet his expectations, I see me loose my mind when they are so emotional fluid that tears appear for a folded piece of paper "that should be flat!" I obviously thought parenting would be easier, maybe that is my bad expectation.
Having not carried specific/clear thoughts about what the future would bring, which I have long thought was one of my big personal weakness, may have actually brought me a decent level of happiness. Nonetheless I'm always hoping and assuming the best, still shooting for it. I don't think having a vision of a desired future is bad, it might even be the motivation needed for change. But a clear vision of reality, not bogged by disappointment vs. the expectations, is of value as well. I guess it might be healthiest if we let both reality and expectations of the future evolve over time.
2 comments:
You hit the nail on the head with that! I find the same true of marriages. My friends with the clearest goals and vision of what their marriage would or should be and goals for it are the ones I find most frustrated and unhappy in them. We are all too individual and life throws way too many curve balls to be so rigid. I've long thought that he who is most flexible is the most happy and content with their world as a whole!
Ooh... expectations... yep, that's definitely something I struggle with. Why do we do that to ourselves??? Hang in there... expectations can also = motivation and success!!!
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