Hoping to gain Grace.

I've lacked grace, for a long time. It gets me every once in awhile; and again tonight.

I'll use tonight as an example. I have started to celebrate my favorite holiday, Chinese New Year. I know it doesn't officially start until Sunday, but part of my celebration is that we clean up each room in the house, get rid of the old, broken and unappreciated, to make room for what the New Year may bring. Yesterday we started in the boys' room. They were into it. We started in one corner of the room and went through each self and drawer. Dumping all on the floor, putting neatly back the keepers and sorting the rest. We collectively decided there are younger children who would like some of the "baby" books and "baby" toys. Not really baby stuff, but just things the boys have outgrown.

I called the Early Intervention therapist we used to work with the most. She has a lot of poor families she meets with and I knew she could find good homes for everything. She was thrilled and came over tonight to pick up the stuff and hang with the boys for a bit.

First thing she zeroed in on was my desk in the living room. I explained that we closed my husband's office so I gave up the bedroom office for him and now I'm in the living room. "why?" she asked. "Frankly, struggling with the economy and making some better choices," I responded. But I was pissed. I wanted this to be a nice visit and not about the constant state of chaos my life seems to enjoy. I wanted this to be a fun visit and the sharing of stuff.

I'm lacking the grace to let go of my anger of simple things like working in the living room. It is not a bad set up. I just wish I had more privacy. Then I start beating myself up mentally for still being angry about the economic adjustments I'm forcing my family to make because I don't want to sell my soul to the devil and continue to work on Wall Street. It made me feel bad that I even invited the therapist in.

I read recently that people need to look at their good acts as good. Look at your bad acts as bad. Don't beat yourself up for not doing as good as you hoped as long as you are still doing a good act. I think this might be part of grace. I'm hoping I find it. I'm may be still licking my wounds (not a victim, just adjusting), but I still managed to get the goods into some one's hands that can reach families that otherwise wouldn't have these books and toys. That is what I need to celebrate. Not that I lacked grace in the moment. But eventually, I might get to actually having grace in the moment.