Role of an Observer

The intro to the series: The last couple days I've been thinking about how all my boys each on their own terms and timing hold me, my life, my actions, my choices up to microscopic inspection, hand me a mirror on my own actions or hold me captive as an observer without the ability to control an event. These are all scary, real thoughts/moments, but not necessarily good or bad, just life with kids.

Observer without control: Definitely the role that is hardest for me to take in my relationship with the boys is that of observer. I am good at observing. I want to watch, listen, take time to see what is happening with them. But once I've started to see a pattern that I don't like, be it as simple as wiping their nose on their sleeves, or as complex as melting down every time his brother leaves for school, I want to interrupt and ask for behavior that I find more appropriate. That doesn't sound too bad on the surface, but what if they are not ready, or just not interested in what I deem to be appropriate behavior? Then I have set up for a battle of the wills. These I do not loose. But maybe I should more often (back to the microscope and mirror).

The other time when being observer is really, really hard, is when one of the boys is working out a social situation with other kids. I want everyone to love them as much as I do. But sometimes the big kids just don't want a baby tagging along. Sometimes my boys are just not catching on to the game that is at play. Sometimes the boys are afraid to try something, a food, a game, a sing-a-long, an instrument, and it breaks my heart as I want them to be able to experience everything.

Now the flip to this equation, is what if I could make them into puppets and they did everything I wanted. At first, yes appealing; no more picking up toys, sorting clothes, yelling to stop the hitting/throwing of stuff. But I think it would also take away too much of the fun in watching the boys discover things on their own. Learning from their perspective. Seeing things, all sort of things for the first time.

And this is the simple stuff. The big stuff is to come. What happens when they change schools, classes, teachers and its not the perfect fit? What happens when they don't date the girl of their dreams? Or get accepted into their college of choice?

So being the observer to their precious lives is the part of parenting that rips my heart out. I don't want to observe and let them find their way. I want to control the events, I want no hardship to come their way. And even with the slightest of slights, my heart hurts. It may be my refrain, but parenting sucks. I'm in it deep, I do it, but wow it is tough at almost every turn.