Friends

How many times do you think you need to interact with someone for them to become a friend? How much shared experience do we need?

I was wondering about this watching the boys with their friends on the play ground. The boys have nothing but time. The hang with their buds, they create the shared experiences over a matter of 2-3 visits. On the first play date with a new kid, there is a bit of formality between the kids. But by the 4-5th they are "buds". They have done things together, they have learned each others names. They have likely hit one another or had a fight over a toy and bonded after the conflict. They have likely shared a meal or snack. And they now know each other well enough that if one is crying, the other goes for help. And they don't love everything about one another, they just work it out.

With adults, you see each other "around", but don't really get to have more than a chat. The shared meal or snack may not come until the 5th, 10th, or 29th meeting. And having a conflict and getting over it, takes longer if both sides decide to get over it to create real friendship. As adults, and I didn't look this up, but I'm sure the info is out there, I'll guess it takes us months/years to make a new friend. But the kids, they have time on their side. They can make a real friend in 2-3 days.

Friends are on my mind, because I'm spending a fair amount of time alone now - working from home, home with the boys. I actually like it. But I do find myself reaching out a bit more to friends asking for lunch/coffee dates. And maybe sometimes I'm "relationship rushing" in that I become a bit too friendly, too quickly. I'll ask for the coffee date on the second meeting, because I see a spark in someone and have no idea when I might casually run into them again (as my work tends to keep me busy in the house). And, it is hard to have a conversation more than the sentences when also watching the boys on the playground. But I'm also a low maintenance friend, as I am busy and don't want to have coffee everyday, or even every few days; but monthly might be nice. I'm email friendly, but I don't like to talk on the phone or text.

And as adults, I think we are less forgiving when we don't meet eye-to-eye on a political/religious/social issue. We don't keep going to the point of mutual respect, and friendship. Too often we surround ourselves with people "like" us. This is on my mind as I am new to being available in the day, and their are established cliques out there. I'm the new person trying to find where I fit.

I'm also coming from the corporate world, where you had to figure out how to get along with people whether I really liked them or not. I'm willing to agree to disagree. I'm willing to understand that not everyone sees the world as I do and that there are people who can show me another point of view. But I'm new to the social game at school pickup and the play ground. And in this new venue, there seems to be an assessment of me going on; will I fit? Am I a like-minded soul? a bit less of the corporate feeling that "hey we are all in the same office so lets find common ground".

I'm glad I have friends, I'm glad there are opportunities to make new ones. I'm glad I have other things to do with my time besides just social stuff. But adult friendship is an interesting thing. We like the person, we hope they like us, but its not a given for many, many years. And when its not yet a given, it feels to me very new and vulnerable.