The Parenting Uglies

Yelling, Spanking, Hitting. There is worse, but these are the big uglies of parenting for me.

I yell. I've been yelling a lot less lately. I don't think it is good to yell at the kids. A lot of my yelling is just trying to get their attention. This particularly drives me crazy. I don't like having to yell over them to let them know that, "I AM BESIDE YOU, YOU DON'T NEED TO YELL". Which every time I get to that point I want to cry.

When it was just my older son, he understood the hand signal of pushing down as meaning, lower the volume. But with two, they just wind each other up until I'm no longer able to breath. I will take any suggestions on this front. I've moved to just covering my ears until they notice I'm not happy. While I like this solution, it does not work in a crowded environment - i.e., the dinner. This weekend my little man was yelling, just for fun, just because he thought he could in a restaurant. I told him to stop. I put my hand to my lips. I put my hand to his lips. Nothing worked. I finally turned his high chair away from the table and said more loudly than I should, "you want to sit with THOSE people? You really want to sit with THOSE people? Because no one sitting at this table is going to yell. IT IS UNACCEPTABLE!" He quickly quieted and told me "No", as in no I don't want to sit with those people.

Afterward, he sat quietly, not an angel, but quietly, so I was happy. I overheard a table nearby saying that they thought they weren't the worst with whom to have to sit. And on the way out, the waiter who hasn't really chatted with us in the 10 years we have been going there talked to my husband as I was getting the kids dressed. Outside my husband said the waiter complemented me on taking control and being strict with the kids. He said he has tons of regulars that don't ever discipline there kids in public. So my freak out in a loud, although not the at home yell, received a compliment. Frankly, I think there must be a better way. Yeah, parenting sucks.

On spanking. I've never been a fan. The whole bending over and smacking bottoms "when daddy gets home" is entirely too late. The smacking bottoms at the scene of the crime has never worked for me, because at that point I'm too close to really wanting to cause harm. The smacking a hand is an interesting in between. It is still "hitting" but it is much more limited. Nonetheless, I avoid it. I work in the kitchen with the boys a lot. This is the arena where I have used the hand-taps. Even after being told the knife is sharp and they can't touch it, even after a yell "no", the boys are so shocked if I hand tap, or even the air tap to the hand, the action brings on dismay and shock, then tears from them. With hot, I say "hot", then if they reach (and its not a boiling pot of water) let them reach and learn on their own. However, with knives, I'm not willing to let them cut themselves. And I'm not kicking them out of the kitchen, so suggestions welcomed.

On hitting. Wow, hitting is just a don't go there item. I understand wanting to hit. I remember, "If you don't stop crying I'll give you something to cry about". But I understand the desire to hit. Today the little man took an entire time out in screams. Yeah, I could have hit him if that was what it would take for him to stop screaming because he was in time out for multiple request to stop throw the play dough. Instead, I finally picked him up and put him in my bedroom and closed the door until I calmed down. The joy of two kids is that one gets crazy and the other wants you to keep playing as if the other wasn't in the room. Yeah, this wasn't a great solution as he went hysterical alone in the room to the count of 10, well, really the count of 30 because it took three tries for me to feel calm. But by the time I opened the door he was ready to stop throwing. But I wonder, does putting him in a safe place until I calm down cause harm as well? Parenting sucks.

So tonight the uglies, yelling which I'm doing less and less, spanking which has never been a choice, and hitting which I totally understand but have a strong stand against is on my mind. I get it. I just wish none of them were necessary. I wish none of them were being modeled to me on the play ground; I saw a kid slap on the play ground today so hard that I was stunned to silence along with everyone else within a 30 foot radius. I wish I had perfect children and was a perfect mom. Unfortunately, I'm not.