Today I was chatting with someone about the friends we "lost" via choosing to adopt. I can't share her story, but I'll share mine. I lost a friend, didn't even know it would happen, and yet, we are still friends. She just doesn't know that I don't fully share with her anymore and no longer trust her on her impression on the events in my life. Which begs the question, are we really friends? Well, Yes, and no.
When we were in the process of adopting, our friends and acquaintances were generally very supportive. A few friends honestly told me they really couldn't muster any interest in pursuing adoption for themselves; this I didn't mind at the time and still appreciate. These were people who just weren't up to the task and were honest enough to know it. They didn't discourage me, they just weren't up for it themselves. Then there were friends who said they had thought about it, but just hadn't been in the right situation or time for them to make a move on that. These friends were generally supportive, and really remain so. But, there were a few who just blurted out comments that surprised me. Along the lines of, "so and so adopted and their kids are f*@#% up".
At the time, I just dismissed the comments and thought nothing of it. But as time has passed and I've had "adjustment" issues, adjustments to; being the mom of two, being the mom of a two year old without language, to economic changes in our life, to changes in my work life, to incorporating a foreign culture into mine and my boys life, and finally changes in my outlook of how I want to live. The problem is, with my friend who thinks adoption=problems, or =problem children, I don't trust her to understand that I'm chatting about life and/or my woes and not "adoption" issues, Not problems due to the fact my son is adopted but due to the fact I'm not a perfect mom and trying to be.
These friends have been reduced from close friends to a good time buddies that may overhear real conversations with real friends, but the bond is broken. The love remains, because I care about them and their lives. I just don't trust them with mine. Because of this I now think more about how spoken I am on my opinions are with my friends. I'm sure I've said things that could and did offend. I'm thankful that my friends are in my life. I think I will hit a point where I trust some of my one-sided friendships again. All is not lost.
Video with the Girls
14 years ago
1 comment:
People have asked me why I adopted, and given me the "adopted kids=axe murderers" school of thought...and I'M ADOPTED!!!
So, what I have chimed in to say is that people just don't fully understand adoption. They can wrap themselves around the "Utopian Shangrila la la la" scenario, and the "Oh, God that adopted kid just chopped up his entire family" scenario...but, what is hard for many to fathom is that adoption adds a real-life child into your life and heart. Complete with tantrums, potty-training issues, food aversions, likes/dislikes, music preferences, fingernails and toenails that need to be trimmed - all the everyday kid stuff that comes along with having another "baby" enter your life PLUS other issues outside of the regular routines of childhood as most people know it.
I understand what you're saying, and also feel like it's hard to be honest with friends like that without feeling guarded and/or defensive on some level.
I got your back girl.
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