Adopting again?

Sometimes people ask, are two kids enough? Are you done? Oddly, I don't think so, the nag just doesn't go away, I want more kids. However, I sure don't want them now. And I wonder what the hell I'm thinking even thinking about it. But I do think, maybe when the boys are older I'll adopt an older child. Older kids are out there and they need homes.

I'm struggling with how we'll pay for everything (think school/college) for the two boys, let alone more. Our apartment is not suitable for more than the four of us. It is totally impractical given how bad I feel about my lack of work success and lack of time with the boys and lacking mommie skills. Also the practicality of how hard it is to adopt makes me shiver. It is an emotionally charged process with more paper work than one can imagine. Then the adjustment, which I'm assuming we'll survive, as we are still in the midst of it. Then there is the desire to get the boys up and out on their own, so I can go back to having more free time again. My husband is 12 years older, so I do count on him dying first so I get my free time!

So there is a nag for more, while I'm in the midst of why I did it at all. Does it sound schizophrenic to you too? But I'll stuff it for now. No deep thoughts, I don't know, just thought I'd share this quandary today.