To not knowing the date

I'm pretty sure I know what time it is, well generally there is light or there is not. If its getting dark, put the kids to bed. If my eyes are open and its light, there is something we should be doing!

Today's photos is actually still from Block Island, but I thought it was appropriate for the random thoughts I have to share today. It was shot by me, holding the camera on my shoulder pointing down at ds2 as he looks out at the world from the safety of my snuggle sack. I think he looks pensive, alert and slightly terrified; which I view all as positive, frankly he's engaged and curious.

So to random thoughts -

"have to share" - could be interpreted as thoughts I want to share with you today. However, the reality is these are thoughts I "have" to get out of my head and on paper so I no longer have to think about them. The blog has become amazingly therapeutic to me. I always have teased my husband that I need a wife, but it turns out I just needed to take up writing and the occasional supportive comments of friends or at a minimum fellow survivors.

Mommie time vs. me time vs. husband time - all three have become precious commodities. There is love, which grows, but with time, it is constant; there is no way to create more of it. Mommie time includes having breakfast with ds2, a new routine after I give ds1 to sitter. Dh kind of wanted to join us today, and frankly I discouraged him, I like this short window with ds2 I actually view it as me time more than mommie time; I have tea and toast, he has scrambled eggs, sausage and a banana along with an occasional french fries (yes I am trying to fatten him up!!). Then therapeutic mommie time as I take ds2 to some stimulating environment where I can also commiserate with fellow souls in the trenches. Yesterday, the Barnes & Noble children's section where I met two very nice Japanese women who asked if he was Japanese then left me alone, and a group of Irish nannies that I quiet enjoyed hanging with. Today we were at the Children's museum on 83rd street. I figured they have a baby play area where I was going to teach him how to crawl. Well, people thought I was crazy and I only got stuck in one tunnel, but we had fun. Also we ran into three Chinese grandmas taking care of grandchildren who were very friendly with me. Their charges played with me and mine with theirs. They all spoke Mandarin. DS2 clearly understood what they were saying; clapped to their song, and giggled. But wanted to stay with me, not them (HA!!). For lunch mommie of two time, with both boys and the sitter. Yesterday we ate by the Hudson River, gorgeous, but had to fight off pigeons that kept going for the chips we dropped. Yes, I know its a catch 22, you drop chips and the pigeons come, but the kids couldn't help themselves. Today to Ollie's, chinese restaurant. I think the sitter is getting a kick out of eating out and more importantly having an adult to talk to. Then me time in the afternoons. Yesterday this included unpacking and writing. Today it includes laundry and writing, but I will get some real "work" work done today as well. Then family time, with dinner, dh, baths and bed. Honestly, today is only day two of the routine, but I like it. Limited "me time", daddy only gets worn out mommie at the end of the day, and kids dominate. However, this is temporary, I think I can enjoy it for a couple weeks, but I'm a working soul and just a slight bit anxious to get back to work in a couple weeks.

Hating/Loving everyone who DS2 smiles at - Its an amazingly insecure phenomena, but when you still don't 100% feel like the child is yours, whenever anyone gets a smile from your child, I worry that maybe he loves them more than me (I'm generalizing that everyone feels the same way I do, which may not be true, maybe I'm more insecure than most, but I'm going to venture a guess not). Maybe he is wondering why he didn't get them instead of me. However, I'm secure that he's figured out I'm mommie and has chosen to throw his lot in with ours. I also think the sitter will be very good for him. Just like ds1, with ds2, when I'm around, they want to be with me and doing things with me. But they need to learn independence and confidence by doing things without me there. They both need the sitter time! And I think ds2 loves ds1 even if he gets jealous.

Ok, All for now. I feel purged.