I've needed to write about this, but not been ready to until now. After days of taking care of a child you barely know who is clinging, whimpering and occasional all out crying, yet loving and fun, emotional bankruptcy rushes in when you least expect it. This is the point where you continue to take care of your family, but you are now on autopilot, not enjoying any task or the moment. It sucks. I can write about it now because I know it is a transient feeling. I couldn't write about it before, because I wasn't sure if it was transient and thought I might have made the biggest mistake of my life. But after a good night's sleep, some familiar food and the comfort of clean clothes from home, I know I can make it. However, others may want to comment on this for those who are about to adopt.
When you first get the child, it is exciting. Compassion and love pour from your soul. Then as you wear down, you start to wonder is it compassion or love that you are feeling? Then the trials of taking care of a new child who's personality you know nothing about starts to kicks in. This is work, it is not all fun. The realities of being away from home comforts, foods, sleep, and commanding your own schedule complicates it all. If any illness, or worries arise, just mix and stir all together. This now simmers while you take on the task of a child who may chose to start showing his own emotions about all the events, in his own way. Now add in dh and anyone else along for the ride. Then wham, you feel like you feel nothing for all the people you have previously cared most about. Its ugly. Its depression apathy at its best.
Dh and I communicate by percentages, he'll look at me and I'll say I'm at zero. This means there is no love to give, and he'll take over. Other times its 10%, sometimes I just say I'm fine. But the reality is I'm better at handling the "freak outs" of the crying, hitting, emotional throw ups, so I do. To do this its natural, to a certain extent, to have to shut down your emotions a bit to live through these moments. The trick is finding out how to get the emotions back up and running when the bad moment is over. This is a trick that I am still trying to figure out. Unfortunately it still takes a night's sleep and a hot shower for me to come back to being me.
In addition to feeling exhausted emotionally, then you start to feel guilty for not being a better parent to a kid who really needs one. This is downward spiral that is probably the hardest for me to deal with. Anyway, as I said, I can only write about it now because I think its a transient thing.
Logistics - the boys fell asleep on the couch about 2 pm yesterday (see photo), we woke them at 7 pm, kept them up till midnight, and you won't believe this but ds1 was up at 6:30am, and ds2 is still asleep at 7:30 am. Hopefully, this means we'll be switching back to NYC time by the end of the week. While I always look forward to vacation and family time, we have a house booked for Block Island next week. I'm not excited about uprooting the group again, but the adoption took so much longer than expected, the vacation is just falling at an inopportune time. Just another one of the worries that joins the spiral.
6 comments:
Your blog title is absolutely fitting. I was an absolute emotional zombie the first 2.5 months that we returned home. I still struggle to find balance (especially now that work is also part of the equation).
It's hard to make everyone in the household feel special and important. Be sure to take care of yourself. I ran myself absolutely ragged with Josie's open-heart surgery so soon after we returned from China. Best wishes with your upcoming vacation.
Welcome back to all of you!
Wow, what an unbelievable journey you've been on...at all levels. We send you peace and support and know that your lives will so much richer as a result of all this. We leave next week...back on the 25th...can't wait to see you all in person.
MUCH love,
Joanne, Ludovic and Hugo
This is such a beautiful and honest post. It is so very hard! I found I had forgotten just how hard it all was getting back. It took weeks for us to adjust and we did not have any major surgeries. You are running on adrenaline and sometimes, nothing at all. The crash is part of of it. For me having two biological children within 13 months was the hardest thing I ever went through. I felt many of the same feelings associated with getting two fabulous bio kids so fast. I did not feel I knew their personalities when they were born nor how to satisfy all their needs. For me the transition of adoption was just as rocky and difficult, but also every bit as a rewarding. It really takes 4 to 6 months to adjust. It is transient. I think sometimes that it, IS the struggle that makes it all so fullfilling. My two cents. And, I apologize if its too much. Try to rest, eat right, and get some personal time (preferably involving exercise). And, I realize that can be a lot to ask! Fondly, Caroline
Yes, I'll chime in to agree- this isn't limited to parenting an adopted child - it's just the general shock of new parenthood that any family can go through. What you (and ds2) have gone through is HUGE - and of course you are exhausted. And bonding takes time! And plenty of people don't feel instant love for their bio kids, either.
I will be a bit more optimistic and say three months is generally the magic number (with adoption, but also bio babies - not coincidental that that's when they really start smiling. Just in time to save themselves from being thrown out the window!).
Just keep going through the motions until the motions become true. Take time for yourself, of course, but also - there are things that can help the bonding process. Get as much skin to skin contact as you can (I really think that starts the mother hormones flowing) nap together, bathe together, get lots of eye contact when you feed him, hold him as much as you can both stand. I thought of it as making up for the fact that my daughter hadn't had those nine months in utero to know the sound of voice and heartbeat, my scent and the motion of my body. I figured I had to start from scratch with her to get those mama/baby juices flowing. She was nearly two when she came home, but I treated her like a newborn. And I think it really worked its magic on both of us.
This time is so hard (especially those first couple weeks home. Gah - I thought I would die) but it will pass soon enough - and you will be amazed at your little family. Hang in there! You've had a great start! You can do it!
xoxo M
Soooo very true. I'm still amazed at how tired I am. I'm completely over the jet lag... it's just the every day stuff now and the emotional exhaustion. Be sure to remember to take care of yourself too!!! Hope your vacation is relaxing... it may be exactly what you need right now. At least you'll be able to drink the water!
HUGS!!!!
Hang in there. You're doing fabulously. Of course you're on a low swing after dealing with the anxiety, waiting, stress, elation, exhaustion, elation, patience, excitement, exhaustion, jet lag cycle of all this. I'm amazed at how well you're there for all your loved ones. Just dealing with one bio toddler can bring most women to their knees at times - forget what you've got going on. You're doing all that you can - which is pretty good from what it sounds like. Hang in.
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