Family Dinners

Ok, I'm old fashion.  I believe we should sit down and eat dinner like a family when we can.  Prior to DS2 joining us that was about 6 days a week.  No tv (another thing I'm old fashion on, only one in the house and only 30 minutes a day) during dinner, and it eaten around a table (whether I cook or order in).  

However, with the addition of DS2 and the start of preschool for DS1, I've got the boys bed time routine moved forward to lights out at 8 pm instead of 9 pm, which means DH and I eat after the boys go to bed.  But not while on  vacation.  I thought it would be great to eat together. 

And it is.  But how many times must I say, " don't put your feet on the table", "don't stick the fork in your nose", "yes, you can eat with your fingers over waiting for me to feed you every bite", "if it is too hot, just spit it out on your plate".  Overall, the boys are good.  And I try not to linger with the family meal, get in and out as quickly as possible, while still sitting long enough to feed everyone and have some sort of conversation. But, wow, not as relaxing as one would hope.  But they are still young and I have time to mold them. 

 This week we've had the luxury of grilling outside which is just amazing.  Yeah, I'd love to have a NYC apartment with a balcony and a grill.  But even 12 years on the Street for mid-level person like myself that did luxury was not afforded; and I think grills are technically illegal in the city although you see them everywhere.  Also, grilling means all my boys want to play with the weapons.

I even made the boys dress up one night as we went in to eat at one of the harbors.  I was trying to get one of the boys dressed in a nice shirt, I was still in my underwear, when DH said, "mommie looks sexy".  He was quickly corrected by DS1, "Mommie's not sexy, she's naked".  So you can see, even getting to the dinner table is ego deflating.  

So to those who look each other in the eye during a family meal, which is also a Thanksgiving tradition, I salute you and attempt to join you!

Thanksgiving

As it is Thanksgiving week, I've thought of one more story to share.  Years ago, and I do mean years ago, I was around 15 years old and my mom and I went to some arts and craft type gathering of church women. I remember the preacher's wife had organized it.  After our activities, and I don't remember what we made, maybe a quilt, we made a circle, held hands, and the preacher's wife said we should share something for which we were thankful.  The first thought through my head was, "I'm glad I'm alive."  

 

This "thanks is not terribly specific, but it was my first thought.  Maybe its even selfish.  But really, it's all encompassing.  I have had highs and lows, good and bad, marriage, divorce and marriage.  And still, I'm generally happy to be alive.  There are people that I am thankful for having known, people who I'd like to forget but still taught me something, and people I have forgotten, but contributed along the way.  There are things I've done that I am proud of, but there is a longer list of things I would still like to do, and a very long list of things I would like to improve about myself.  I am amazed by the people in and around my life.  I am amazed by other people that I have never known, but only read about.  Some days I'm not sure I have the life I want, or wanted, but generally, I'm glad to be alive and to have the chance to do something.  I know I still have more to do.  So no thanks for anything specific, just thanks for the opportunity to be and to try.  I will take this opportunity to try my best; for the kids, for my family, for me, for the world.  I'm sorry I'm so selfish, but this is where I am.

Ideal Days

Today was generally ideal.  It could have gone better, but that would have been asking too much!

First, today is the fish market day in St. Maartin.  We took the boys and they got to see real beautiful fish, even if they are dead.  DS1 liked the exercise of which head goes with which fillet.  We picked up beautiful Mahi Mahi steaks which we cooked on the grill this evening.

This morning we made it to the zip-lines for DS1 and mommie bonding time.  With DS2 on board, I frankly get  a lot less time with DS1.  It was great. For the first 3 lines, he was scared.  They were rope ladders and climbing.  But by the fourth he had the swing of things and was really having fun.  By the fourth we were more significantly off the ground and I was starting to wonder why I thought this would be good at all!

In the afternoon we went to my husband's favorite beach, which made him happy.  It is a good beach when there is no wind and today there was none.  There were nice people sitting around us, and none of the other families minded when DS2 stole their beach toys.  DS1 tried to pee on the back of DH lounge chair, which I thought was taking laziness to a new level.  The waiters we knew from years past, which was awesome, but also made me jealous of that young unattached life style.

The boys now have the post beach bathing routine down.  DS2 had a major melt down over a juice box.  Partially my fault, but also his.  I decided I wasn't going to give it to him unless he indicated through word or gesture.  He can nod his head yes and sign drink.  But he didn't want to.  I don't think he'll talk unless I stop just handing him things, so I asked, "do you want a juice box?" DS1 said yes and took it.  DS2 stared at me.  I said tell me yes or no.  He stared.  Juice box went back in fridge.  Battle ensued.  In the end I put him in the tub with no juice box.  But when it was time to come out of the tub, he was willing to say no the first time and yes the second.  so I may feel like a meanie some times, but I think I'm dealing with a very old curmudgeon. 

Dinner was nice, out on the patio.  The new question from DS1 is "where did object X come from?"  So fish from the ocean, juice box from the factory, salad from a plant, etc.  No spotting of the tail-less lizard today, but overall a very nice day. But we did discover the island has a zoo with a bat cave, so we may check that out tomorrow.

Adoption on Vacation - part 2

DS1 had a complete melt down at breakfast, that was really beyond belief; three neighboring tables commented on it.  So bad that I cancelled our zip-lining for the day.  Of course this general stress put DS2 in a stressed way which means, every time he got near me he pulled my hair, bit or tried to scratch me, in his attempt to make sure... I don't know what.... I still love him?  

Then we are on a beach, and a very nice woman in the umbrella beside us starts asking questions.  Yes, adoption questions.  Part of this is my husband beams to anyone in ear shot that we recently adopted.  I'm totally polite, but I'm having a rough day.  Then we go to lunch, up in the beach restaurant, where both boys are just bad. Hitting each other, throwing sand.  I get back to the chair, with fussy toddler.  I wash the sand off, wrap him in a towel, and hold him till he falls asleep, which is about 5 minutes as he is now two hours past his nap time.  

The neighbor lady say to me, "So how's it going? Has it worked out like you thought?"  Sometimes people really don't know what they are asking, who they are asking it of and/or what appropriate timing is.  I turned to her, a bit like the little girl in the exorcist, and said, "This is f---ing hell.  I don't know what I was thinking.  I'm sure it will get better, but it really sucks and I'm not sure I can wait till he starts speaking before losing my mind."  This surprisingly, didn't bring forth the usual "bless you" or smile.  However, the lady was kind and was supportive.  We chatted for a while.  Then she asked why I adopted.  

Usual story, no need, wanted to give a kid a home and thought I had the home and heart to offer.   Then I  told her about the "god bless you"s and that I didn't do it to do a good deed.  That I'm shocked at what we are into, but we are still in the early stages and adding a toddler to a family with a toddler isn't easy.  We chatted about the lack of physical development in DS2 that I believe we have already started to overcome, that I think he is really smart, but just lazy in the language department, because (1) he's expressive without language and (2) I'm in-tune with him enough to anticipate 95% of the requests.  But its the last 5% that causes the tantrums and the frustration.  She then told me she understood why I didn't like the "God bless you"s and that I'm right, this is like the frustration raising kids, adopted or not.  I asked if she was religious, and she said, "Honey, I'm a minister." OUCH!  

Then she told me I should write about this experience, because people need to know its not simple, easy, or love at first sight for everyone.  So, if I can face a minister head on with my diatribes and not offend, then I feel a bit better about this blog.  

Losing a Tail

There are things that shouldn't happen in front of an almost four year old.  Yesterday afternoon we were getting ready to leave for somewhere, I don't remember, when DS2 decided it was the opportune moment to make a big poopie.  Well, DH strapped DS1 into the car seat in the car and DS2 and I ran inside for a quick change.  When I went to throw out the diaper, there was a lizard on the edge of the tub.  I grab DS2 to show him.  We scared the poor lizard and it fell into the tub.

Once in the tub, and in a slight panic, the lizard was unable to crawl out.  I caught it, truly not a fair battle, and lifted it out by its tail.  DS2 was a bit delighted and horrified, but willing to touch it.  I didn't want DS1 to miss out, so I ran out to the car with the lizard.  He was amazed, "mommie, the lizard queen".  I gave the lizard to DH to show DS1, by the tail, and ran back inside to finish my work.  When DS2 and I got out to the car, we heard quite a tale. 

Apparently, the lizard's tail broke off, and the little guy was still in the care somewhere.  This turn of events made me sad.  But I figured the little lizard was ok and alive.  However, a tale breaking off in front of an almost four year old is not a good thing; it elicits a lot of questions.  Where did it go? Will it grow a new tail? Can you put the tail back on? Does he need it? Why did the tail come off? Does it want to go to the beach? How did you catch it? Why can't you catch it now? etc.

Well, there is a happy ending, this morning, I first opened the drivers door, to open the trunk.  Our rental car is from the 1960s with only a pull for the trunk and catch this, a cassette player!  I threw our bag in the trunk and opened the other side back door for DS1.  He said, " Hey, there is our lizard!"  Sure enough the little guy was unmistakable with the missing 2 inches from his tail, sitting on the head rest of the front seat.  We scared him out the open drivers door.  This made me Happy.  He was alive; he's back were he belongs; I'm confident he will grow a new tail!

Adoption on Vacation

While we are at home, people look, some ask questions, all our friends and family know; DS2 is adopted.  But on vacation it seems funny, in the funny odd way, that it comes up.  So far so good, just funny. But I guess this too is a sign that DS2 is starting to become less "Chinese" looking to me, just "kid" looking.

First, we have a place we go to every year for our beach toys.  This year we came in and the store guy was totally attracted to DS2.  He asked if he was Chinese, Korean or Vietnamese.  This made me pause, because clearly he was saying the big three Asian adoption locals.  It turned out his sister runs an agency that helps people adopt from Vietnam.  He was excited to meet DS2, who only wanted to hit me with the beach shovel and keep everyone at bay with the rake.  When I mentioned he had cleft lip/palette, he said "I'd noticed".  This was  a first for me.  Most people don't notice, but he knew what he was looking for.  Overall a positive experience. 

Yesterday we were on a small boat out to an island.  And a woman was trying to figure out how old DS1 was.  I said he's almost 4 and the little guy is 2.  She asked, "are they both yours?"  I said, yes.  She said, "interesting."  It was odd, but she was French, with a thick accent, so I decided something might have been lost in translation. 

Today we were on a known to be kid-friendly beach.  Even if you walk out about 100 yards, it is still only 3 feet deep.  A bigger family group joined us, sitting in the seats by us.  They kept looking at me and DS2 (DS1 and DH were way, way out in the water jumping off a raft).  Finally they started talking to us.  Very nice people from Tennessee.  But it became clear I was doing a "good Christian" thing.  This always catches me off guard.  I don't mind people saying "God bless you"; I will take all the blessing I get, from any one or being.  What I find interesting is that this one act, having DS2 in my life makes me bless-able.  I mean hey, there are people who adopted in a less transparent manner than me.  And isn't just trying to raise a kid, any kid including the biologically derived type worthy of being blessed.  Finally, I was raised Christian, but I'm still a sinner in so many ways, and no longer willing to associate my spirituality with any organized religion, is my adoption choice really a "good Christian" act.  I am raising him to be a heathen.  If they knew more would I be un-blessed?  

Anyway,  the boys are having fun.  DS1 is out in the water, bouncing, jumping, swimming with too little fear for me to be comfortable.  DS2 likes sitting on the beach and digging.  When I get him to dig down at the surf line, he gets really mad at the waves.  It makes me laugh.  DS1 is too charged to nap until the end of the day, in the car. Typically out before the end of the parking lot. DS2 crashes after food and a poop, fairly reliably. Up playing one minute, out stone cold the next.  I've always thought beach naps are the best, all that fresh salt air coming being breathed deeply in.

Yesterday, everyone was grumpy, today was great.  There is something about the surf I find so soothing, that work/real life has to fight to stay in my mind. This may be a good thing for a few days. On to tomorrow.

Quick Hello from St. Maartin

So we are here; in 90 degrees of glorious warmth.  The crickets, or frogs, are chirping.  The boys are already in bed.  We finished a bottle of wine.  And I feel like all the assholes in the world are surmountable!

Tonight, I let the boys watch a little Wallace and Gromit.  If you don't know it, it is awesome British claymation.  There was a chase scene playing and I was sitting across from the boys watching them as they watched the video.  DS1 was giggling with his eyebrows arched in wide arches.  DS2 was watching with eyebrows in upside down "v"s as if he was thinking, what is this idiocy.  I thought wow, how much they will learn from each other in the years to come as they start sharing their perspectives on the world.

I also marvel at the comparison of third world travel to not.  We are in our villa with wi-fi, lizards running by, but clean floors, working refrigerator and air conditioning, real air conditioning.  The boys are sleeping in one bed together, which DH and I pulled of the box springs to the floor, just in case anyone rolls out.  I think if they find a lizard, we'll hear about it.

DS2 was a struggle all day of travel.  He wasn't really "bad" just fussy and wanting to be held the whole time.  I think there are fears in an internationally adopted child that are hard to address.  His last plane trip, was his exit from China.  And here we are bringing him to another interesting, but vastly different place again. New smells, new foods, new language.  No wonder he wants to be held.  However, he seems to have no problem flirting with the French women!

It is also interesting  to be on vacation while unemployed.  I'm too sensitive to cost.  Frankly, the more I focus on it, the poorer I feel.  Which means I need to be wise to a budget, but not so intense as to suck the fun out of it.  However, tomorrow to the grocery store, which I love here.  It has all these brands I don't know, but enough for the boys that I do know.  And to the beach, to bring color back to this Puerto Rican soul.  Yeah, sun screen for the boys, and a shirt for DH.

So Life is Bizarre

So it would be fair to say that I'm totally excited about my future.  It would also be fair to say that I'm terrified.  

What does the future hold for the kids?  What does it hold for me? Will they have what they need?  Will they the face the stimulation they need to grow into great young men?  Or will they become something less?  I want them to pursue their dreams, which means I have to show them that I am willing to pursue mine as well.  And if I fail?   Would that still teach them to go forth and conquer?  Or would I show them the tough consequences associated with pursuit of the ideal?  Ugh!  

Frankly, it is really f---ing hard to pursue the dream.  Maybe that is not true for everyone, but it is for me.  I feel like I'm putting my family at risk; can I start a business, or three, and still be involved with the kids, pay the bills, and have fun.  But even as I write the sentence it sounds like fun and I'm so ready for the challenge.  I just have to go do it. There really is no doubt.  Any alternative to pursuit of the dream is settling.  I'm not ready to settle. I've always become rather miserable and miserable to be around when I settle for less than the dream.  

So,  in the last week every item in my life has found a little deadline.  For DS1, I need to get his birthday party date set, invites out, and planned.  DS2, we need to complete the Early Intervention process and get therapy started in December/January.  For old employer, need to return some little things (Blackberry), and get my files.  For consulting, there is a conference in January that I need to attend, and then the start of my marketing of me (this will be an interesting new challenge)! For the toy company, the first production run completes in late February, then I will unveil the website and start getting retailers, also there is a big trade show we are going to in May, and there is a children's book conference in late January where I can start learning the basics of that market.  

So off on vacation for two weeks, which will include creating a variety of business models, frozen drinks on the beach and sun, glorious sun.  And come home ready to attack.  I will try to blog while on vacation, but not sure how often - it may just be a photo post or two like last time.    

Thing One and Thing Two Update - part 2

Continued from yesterday, on to Thing 2.

DS2 had his review with the early intervention people last week.  An hour with the speech therapist and an hour with the development therapist.  The reviews started at 12:30 and ended at 2:30 pm, which means early lunch, no nap, basically, not ideal for best performance.  This is the interesting juxtaposition, with Early Intervention, we are not looking for the best performance as we want assistance, and he must demonstrate a "need" for therapy for us getting the help.  Well, he was a good boy.  But I’m still hopeful of assistance coming.

On speech, frankly I don’t know what to say.  It is so FRUSTRATING!!  He understands everything we say.  He just is not talking yet.  He babbles and makes lots of noises, but doesn’t seem to really be trying to talk.  I think he has a few words, but they are instinctual mommie understanding of grunt sounds.  He does say; bye-bye (totally appropriately, but also uses it for “all done”), says a sound like DS1’s names, and “nana” for Banana.  I’ve come to believe that all the other words I believe he has, including, sausage, eggs, mama and dada.  Everyone (friends and family, that don't read all this discouraging information out on cleft lip/palette websites) is encouraging and says he’s going to break open at any time, but I’m frustrated and not sure.  I think he needs help.  This is why the early intervention assessment.  

Well, the speech assessor was with us.  She thinks he is well behind where he should be for a child his age with cleft lip/palette and/or a child who has switched languages, but a very bright kid.  Again, this is a good thing because this means they will give more therapy than less.

On development, I think DS2 is solid and doing a great job.  He is smart and surprises me a lot.  Sometimes I marvel at his ability to reign in his emotions even when he is out of control.  Even more I’m surprised at how smart he is.  The first time I showed him a shape sorting game, he figured it out without assistance.  He can do shape puzzles without a lot of trying to fit pieces, but actually putting the right pieces in the right place.  Finally, his ability to pick up language; not only is he fluent in English, he’s starting to show great understanding of Spanish with one of the nannies in his playgroup, really amazes me.

However, with the development assessment, I think DS2 was more tired.  He showed his tiredness, displayed his temper, and fought her a bit.  He did well, but the assessor thinks he’s not following directions as well as he should for his age.  I do believe he’s bright, brighter than what she saw, but I will admit he’s having a hard time controlling his temper.  But I think the temper flares most when he has trouble communicating; which is why I’m seeking speech help.  But ok, we’ll see what they recommend, and I won’t fight it, as it is all free therapy.  But this assessment stung just a bit.

Overall, DS2 is doing well.  I hoping we can get all the therapies started in January, and by the time he turns 3, which is when we lose the free state funded therapy, he’ll be starting preschool the next month. Eight months of therapy should show us what we can accomplish if we really work it.  However, I’ll be honest, he needs to mature a lot to do well in preschool.  I’m already rather nervous about whether he'll be ready. 

Thing One and Thing Two Update - part 1

Last week within the hour of losing my job, DS2 received his State appointed Early Intervention Assessment.  Yesterday, I attended DS1’s first preschool parent/teacher conference.  So what order to present?

Today that was an issue, what order, how to juggle two, as I had DS1 sick on the couch and DS2 screaming, literally screaming for attention as I was trying to see if DS1 needed the bucket for throwing up.  I do love them both, but they both make it hard some times.  And reasoning with either child, yes they are both under the age of four, is next to impossible.  Then they both surprise me and make me think I’m the asshole in the equation.  Yeah, mommie guilt.

So, Thing One.

On Sunday this last week we went to a birthday party for one of his friends.  It was at a ceramic/arts craft place.  A pretty cool party over all.  What amazed me was his ability to follow instructions, wait patiently and participate.  I would estimate that six month ago I was worried that he seemed to only learn by watching, but now he could clearly listen and follow instructions.  He is still a suck-up; totally sits near the leader/teacher of the activities.  Or maybe he's used to this due to how we work in the kitchen together. But what surprised me was his participation.  He used to watch everything and do only 30-50% of the activities.  But he was with it all, 100%.  Even at the dance time, he was totally busting moves I’d never seen before.  I will post the video as soon as I figure out how to do that.  There was even a game, which he didn’t seem particularly into, but he did it anyway.

Then at the parent/teacher meeting the teachers confirmed my suspicions, the kid is growing up.  He is helpful in the class, nice to his friends and all the other kids as well.  He is now participating in activities, which at the beginning of the school year he wasn’t.  He rotates through all the class activities and doesn’t seem to avoid anything.  He is showing a good attention span.  Most important to DH, he is now counting to 5, without skipping four.

Here’s the amazing part, his teacher brought up that in the infamous “theater movement” class and music time, he is showing a lot of new moves that have really surprised them.  Well, that’s two of us! DH thinks its the Latin blood showing. He dresses himself – i.e., puts his jacket for terrace time, and buttons his pants after going “pee”.  These last items are great, but why then does he insist I do it at home?  Also you don’t know it until you are there, but just because the kid can poop in the potty doesn’t mean you are off the hook.  I have no idea for how long I’ll be wiping for him.

In NYC there is a lot of peer pressure to start kids in pre-school at age 2.  However, I chose to wait until he was 3.  Not that he was sitting at home doing nothing; the kid has a bigger social life than I ever have with ballet and Spanish classes.  But today, waiting until he was 3 to start the formal everyday school, feels like a good choice.

On the downside, DH thinks that I’m taking out all my frustration on the boys and asking too much from them, but DS1 particularly.  The weird part is, that I know I ask a lot from the boys, but I think I’m asking a ridiculous amount from DS2 more than DS1.  Maybe it’s the second time around guilt?  I feel guilty that the second child gets less attention, which makes me expect more from both so we can have more time doing fun things rather than routine activities.  Maybe I’m missing the point, the boys like doing the routine stuff, its only me feeling like it should be more.  Also the boys are so young that they will not actually remember any of our activities, so why do I try so hard.  But I can’t wait until they are older to have fun.  Yeah, mommie guilt is always there.  And frankly the boys do step up to almost every challenge I throw their  way.  Also, the really have DH wrapped around their little pinkies.

To be continued.

 

The Odd Question

The questions come from DS1 when I least expect them.  Tonight, "when will he stop being Chinese?"  

I was wondering where this even came from, but I think I know.  Today I picked up DS1 from pre-school and took him out to lunch and, the most exciting thing, to pick up a water filter for the refrigerator.  He told everyone we were going for the filter.  I'm constantly amazed at what the boys find exciting in our daily lives.  Well, after school we stopped by this little pizza joint; the kind that are 20 feet long but only 8 feet wide.  There we ran into one of his class mates and her mommie.  The little girl was excited that next week they are going to "Kazakhstan to get a little brother."  Zander was happy to share that he got a little brother in China.  This is a conversation that I couldn't have made up, the kind of crazy unexpected thing that makes me happy we live in NYC.

This evening we were all playing, and I was feeling sorry for myself, thinking I hate the stuff coming out of my mouth; please don't throw the toys, don't step on your brother's head, don't bite me, be nice, do you want to go to bed right now?  But we also have fun - or at least flashing moments of it!  

Well, DS1 typically comes out of the tub first.  I dry him, dress him and then DS2 is ready and wants the same attention.  We are passed screaming every time I take him out of the tub (YEAH!) and now he even pulls the plug for the water when asked.  So tonight DS1 was watching my dress DS2 when I commented that it is ok for DS1 to wear short sleeves, because he stays under the covers, but for DS2, I put on the full warm sleep suit because he still kicks the covers off.  I mentioned that this suit used to be DS1's.  This of course prompted, "when will DS2 be big?"  Me, "Well, over time as he eats, by next year the suit will likely not fit." I thought I heard, "When will he stop being tiny?", so I said "he's not tiny, but he is smaller than you."  To which I was then more loudly asked, "No, when will he stop being Chinese?"

Kind of threw me for a loop.  "Honey, he's going to be Chinese forever.  It's like you are a boy, he's a boy and I'm a girl.  You are going to be boys and I'm going to be a girl, forever".  Hopefully the transsexuals will forgive me for the presumption.  This answer was good enough, no more questions emerged.  But wow, what a question.

Fibbing

I noticed this weekend that I've been lying to the kids to get my way.  First, I decided it was time to cut DS2's hair.  It is finally growing!!  Which is his body finally surrendering to all the nutrition we've been pumping in.  At first I was worried about the lack of hair growth, but I figured it was pretty low on the physical priority scale of how calories are used.  In the last 3 plus months, he has grown 1 inch and gained about 4 lbs.  That's a 25% gain in body weight in one month.  Ok, if he was my size that would be horrendous, but in him, at his size, with his history, it just tells us the state of nutrition he was in before joining us.

On to lying, I turned to DS1 and said, I'd like you to sit on the stool, I'm going to pretend to cut your hair, but I'm not actually going to cut it.  DH was sitting in the kitchen at the time and shot me his now patented look that seems to say, "you are crazy, but I'm too afraid of you to tell you that".  DS1 was in on the game.  I told him, I wanted to cut DS2's hair but I knew he'd want to do it if I did him first.  Of course, DS1 actually doesn't like to have his hair cut, but was totally willing as long as I didn't actually cut his hair.  Well, about a good long 4 minutes into pretending, DS2 was begging to get his done.  The next day, today, I used DS2's bravery as the reason DS1 should let me cut his hair.  Unexpectedly, that worked too.   

Tonight, both of the boys' skin was looking a bit dry.  DS2 is totally cool with lotions and moisturizers, but DS1 screams and cries as if I was trying to fillet him.  Also with sun tan lotion, which always makes me feel like a bad mommie at the beach when he starts screaming, "stop your hurting me" and people sneer. But this summer I found the spray on sun screens, which change the dynamic greatly.  Now, as he's running and screaming "your hurting me", while I chase him with spray in hand, spraying everywhere.  I waste a lot of sun screen, but now the prying eyes tend to laugh at us.

Well tonight, I told him his skin was dry and we need to put moisturizer on it.  He started crying and pushing, etc, you get the scene. Then I said, how about olive oil from the kitchen, "because I here that not only helps your skin but makes your muscles grow".  This worked.  Both boys naked and a bottle of olive oil going everywhere.  Get the pajamas on was hard!

The other lie I'm routinely guilty of, "oh, honey, I don't know where that toys is.  I haven't seen it for ages."  After something annoyed me and found its way to the trash shoot.  Just thought of another, someday someone will catch us eating "rabbit poop" or blueberries.  Maybe that one is just fibbing, because I don't think they believe me.

So over all, I'm not lying about big stuff.  They've been told where babies come from.  DS1 was a cesarean, so I followed his prompting to have a discussion about how big the knife was.  DS2 knows he's adopted and from China, and part of our family, as does DS1 understand the relevant details.  And the boys have been told I'll be working from home more often - I'll be working, just now sure when the pay check is coming.  

But it is funny, I don't lie much.  Which means I don't lie well.  When it comes to the boys I seem to be a bit super sensitive about telling them lies.  But in general, I really don't like to lie and don't bother to try.  But I am sticking with the fact that I am a super hero (and can beat up all the bad guys), there is a Santa (as well as a man in the sky that turns the sun off at the end of the day, and tiny elves that live in the tops of the trees that come down at night and move the pumpkins from the field to the store - I didn't start this one, but I'm supporting DH in his folly) and my super power is imagination.  I wonder what they will feel comfortable lying about?

Change of Circumstance

Introduction  -  I've been writing this post since Wednesday, when I was laid-off from my firm.  I wasn't sure when I'd be ready to post, but it turns out to be today.  The original thoughts are below.  Sorry, I know this is not about the kids, which is the topic I usually restrict myself to addressing, but this is a big change.

11/12/08, 3 pm 

So at 11 am this morning I was laid off at work.  The firm I've been working for is moving out of health care, and let go of about 60 people.  Some folks cried, others got really mad, I went to the gym.

I don't know, but it really doesn't feel like the worst thing ever.  I lost a job once when I didn't want to, that really rocked me.  I don't like the thought of being unemployed. I worry about those that depend on me, the boys, my family.  However, I also don't like about 49% of my job and I've been thinking for a while that Wall Street is broken.  So, what's next?  A good book, more gym time, and some serious soul searching. 

I'm 40, a bit too young to retire. But, finally old enough to be considered experienced, as in over 12 years on the Street.  I like to think so I really need something to do.  I'm not going to do anything rash yet.  In fact, I'm not even sure I'm going to let friends and family know yet. I guess that means I'll keep writing but publish this next week.  

11/12/08 - 9:30 pm 

So it occurs to me that I have been wanting to leave the Street for a few years.  I've been concerned about how I replace the income.  This is tantamount, as I am the family income.  But tonight I started wondering, how much of the income do I really need to replace?  I don't want to go back to my childhood of being aware of parental money stress, revolving bills, and strategic coupon clipping. But it wasn't that bad.  But its also not like our net wealth went to zero.  Just the income went to zero.  How long could we last on what we have?  We have a vacation planned in two weeks, which is already paid for, should I cancel it?  

The severance pay is in question, the number quoted to me today was not the contracted amount.  I'm not sweating it yet, I'll wait for the paper work to arrive.  

A couple months after I returned to work after giving birth to DS1, I received a "big" promotion to research department head.  This turned out to be a roll I really didn't want. I learned a lot, enjoyed it for awhile.   But I recognized it didn't hold my future. To get out of it, I had to switch firms.  Now just two months after returning post adding DS2 to our lives, I get the boot.  Somehow I just believe this change is going to work out better.

11/13/08  10:48 pm

Today I started telling people.  Some casual acquaintances, my best friends, my family (not DH, he heard from me within 5 minutes of the news).  Lots of people are rather worried for me, for my family.  Some even cried when I told them.  I think some of the emotion is due to more the general pent-up of emotions that surrounds everyone involved with the Street.  Some are amazingly empathetic.  

Today I had two appointments that were made weeks ago.  The first was frivolous, I enjoyed it.  The other with a health care company that didn't know my change of circumstance.  They were really supportive, and so has been everyone else in the health care industry with whom I've chatted.  Doors are opening, but I really need to think about the opportunity I've been given to leave the Street.  To redefine how I live my daily life.  Tonight, I'm rather excited about my non-Wall Street opportunities.  

The more I think about the Street, the more I realize I really don't want to go back.  I could give you a dissertation, but mutual funds haven't sent out their year end statements yet.  When people see that their funds, even if the fund is out performing the market, most are still losing money, investors will want their money out of the funds, the redemptions will come in.  As the funds pull money from the market, the market will get hit; small cap more than large cap, but all of it.  Then there will be a lack of confidence by new investors.  I really think we are continuing on a down cycle through Feb 2009, but I also don't currently see the catalyst for improvement in 2009.  Basically, I think 2010 looks better.  So if I only liked 49% of the job and I believe the environment is bad, there is little motivation to look for a near term future on the Street.

I'm sure it will take time to get my strategic health care consulting up and running, I'm sure it will take more time to get this little toy company I've started up and running.  I'm sure there will be other opportunities to consider over time.  I'm sure there will be delays and disappointments along the way,  but I've never been so excited about giving these new venture a go.  

Goodbye suits, or associated guilt for not wearing the suit daily (yeah, I sweated that as I moved into coordinates).  Goodbye 9 to 5, or in my old world the 6:30 am to 9 pm, or more recent times 7:30 am to 5 pm.  Hello to the craziness I shall now try to embrace by seeking entrepreneurial, flexible, but cash generating work.  And,  I'm not afraid of the hours if the drive is there, but I want to see the boys; that wasn't a consideration 5 years ago when I made the first big shift from massively large Wall Street firm to smaller firm.  

Hello to breakfast with the boys, and occasional lunch dates with friends.  Welcome back to passion for the task at hand.  Tonight I go to be excited about tomorrow.  And I'm concerned about trying not to set my future in stone.  And even trying not to set too many balls in motion during the holidays.  Starting to think, Hey 2009, I'm ready for you when you get here!

11/14/08 - 12:15 pm

This morning I played with DS2, as he was the first to wake, and then walked DS1 to preschool.  I went to they gym, went to Barnes & Nobles to buy a calendar book, and then came home to make a cup of tea.  Ouch, I could get used to this!  Again today the brain and spirit are running.  I've come up with a few concepts for my little toy company and have decided I'm probably going forward with a children's book as well.   I've come up with a group of people I would like to touch base with in the Health care industry.  I've embraced the concept of wearing jeans regularly!  I am happy.

Nebraska abandonment

Have you been reading about this? First, let me give you a summary of two articles that have caught my eye in the last two weeks.

OMAHA, Neb. – A 15-year-old girl was abandoned by her father Tuesday night at Creighton University Medical Center in Omaha , bringing to 22 the number of children left under the state's unique safe-haven law since it took effect in July. The State officials declined to answer questions about the case until Wednesday, when more information could be gathered and the girl has been placed in a residential shelter while authorities continue to investigate her case.

Nebraska's safe-haven law, which took effect in July, is the only one in the country that lets caregivers leave children as old as 18 at a state-licensed hospital without fear of prosecution. The youngest child abandoned so far was only a year old; 12 of the 22 left so far have been teenagers. Three children were from other states, including Iowa, Michigan and Georgia.

Nebraska's law was intended to protect infants, but it did not define "child" in its wording. Most state lawmakers have agreed to amend the law when the Legislature reconvenes in January so that it applies only to infants up to 3 days old.

11/10/08 LINCOLN, Neb. – Police say a woman has abandoned her 18-year-old daughter at a hospital, saying she can't control the girl. The woman told officials at BryanLGH Medical Center West that her daughter, who was adopted, is bipolar and has a learning disability. "The adoptive mother says that the daughter refused to take some medication for some conditions that she has." The girl was placed in state custody.

If the young woman's status is confirmed by the state, she would be the 30th child abandoned under Nebraska's safe-haven law since it went into effect in July. Some have interpreted the state's law as meaning it could apply to children as old as 18, because it uses the word "child" and doesn't specify an age limit. Some have taken the word "child" to mean "minor," which in Nebraska includes anyone under the age of 19. Others use the common-law definition, up to age 14. State Department of Health and Human Services officials say another state law pertaining to juveniles will not let authorities take in children older than 17. The Legislature opens a special session on Friday to change the law.

The things that catches my attention:
- clearly abandonment doesn't come easily
- things get tougher as kids get older
- regulators are missing the point, they want to save "babies less than 3 days old" but shouldn't all kids have a loving home?

I'm so sadden by all this. I can't imagine abandoning a child. You would ether have to be amazing self-focused, or amazingly selfless. Imagine thinking that others could do better for your child, and then reaching out for that help. The regulators are horrified that they aren't saving babies, but they still are, these kids need homes.

Elections - late but thoughts won't go away.

OK, for ages I've thought about writing about the elections. First, I was going to write to tell everyone to vote. But, I didn't want to say who to vote for, I just think its good to participate. But, I didn't know how to write my thoughts without offending anyone.

Then I wanted to say, "YEAH!" I'm so relieved. But again I didn't want to offend anyone.

I mentioned it do DH and his usual response to my comments about the blog arose. First, "you still writing that?" Then, "well, what does that have to do with adoption?" and finally, "Why do you care if you offend anyone?". Got to love this man.

Well, I thought about it and I can't let it go. Here's the background. I am Puerto Rican. My beautiful blond-haired blue-eyed olive-skinned son knows how to say all his animals in Spanish. My beautiful jet black-haired, black-eyed, dark-skinned son, will always stand out as not the all-American look. My once-blond, now graying- haired, blue-eyed WASPy husband is becoming a minority! That makes my heart sing. I am also a semi-senior woman on Wall Street - that may qualify me as a greater minority than any thing else!

I tell my husband during a variety of "social issue" fights, he likes to call them discussions, that he'll never know what it is like to walk down the street as a woman. I understand the odd feeling of walking around a foreign country and standing out as different. I also know what it is like in Italy and Spain where I can blend, although I don't belong. And I never forget who I am; I seldom think I fit in. Hey in Idaho, where I grew up, there were no other Puerto Ricans. Now that I'm surrounded by them in New York, I am not one of them, as I lack the language and the urban experience. These are not regrets, not at all, just the facts.

One of my sons is going to walk around and realize few look like him. Frankly, I think both of them will notice this fact. Do we really want to live in a society where the majority of people believe that only white men can achieve the highest office (be it the White House or the corner office)? Do I want to live in a society where we say anyone can achieve anything, but it hasn't occurred yet? I think the empowerment of people, whatever their color, is a good thing for society as a whole. Obama offers that! Even the Latinos around me now say, hey, if a Black man can do it, then watch out as the Latinos move in.

I am not a proud American. I seldom claim to be an American. I've traveled around the world, I know what a fabulous place the US is - do you realize that less than 10% of Americans actually have a passport! I know how horrible the situation is elsewhere and I chose to stay in the US (at least for now. But, I have not been proud to claim participation in this country. I've been horrified by our international policies, and even more horrified by our domestic policies. Do you realize it is still on the books that Asian are not allowed to own land in certain states/counties - left over from the depression/immigration scares, but still on the books. I'm also saddened that the Gay Marriage votes were so opposed. Marriage is a huge commitment that is really hard and sucks in many ways, (yes, I'm happily married), yest we are willing to let immature teenagers do it but not adults in a committed relationship?

But, right now I couldn't be happier. Maybe for a while I'll be proud of my fellow Americans. Not for "overcoming prejudice" but for realizing we are in a mess, we need change and we need it now. If having a Black man in office makes people more aware of prejudice, not just the need for change, well, its a good thing!

So, Thank you for voting. I don't care who you voted for (my guy won, so no hard feelings), but you cared enough to participate, that is awesome, that is what America needs, so let's keep participating! Let's go for change. We have to offer our children something to work with, not a disaster to fix. So yeah, its about the kids! I created one citizen and sponsored a new citizen this year, and we owe them better.