Thing One and Thing Two Update - part 2

Continued from yesterday, on to Thing 2.

DS2 had his review with the early intervention people last week.  An hour with the speech therapist and an hour with the development therapist.  The reviews started at 12:30 and ended at 2:30 pm, which means early lunch, no nap, basically, not ideal for best performance.  This is the interesting juxtaposition, with Early Intervention, we are not looking for the best performance as we want assistance, and he must demonstrate a "need" for therapy for us getting the help.  Well, he was a good boy.  But I’m still hopeful of assistance coming.

On speech, frankly I don’t know what to say.  It is so FRUSTRATING!!  He understands everything we say.  He just is not talking yet.  He babbles and makes lots of noises, but doesn’t seem to really be trying to talk.  I think he has a few words, but they are instinctual mommie understanding of grunt sounds.  He does say; bye-bye (totally appropriately, but also uses it for “all done”), says a sound like DS1’s names, and “nana” for Banana.  I’ve come to believe that all the other words I believe he has, including, sausage, eggs, mama and dada.  Everyone (friends and family, that don't read all this discouraging information out on cleft lip/palette websites) is encouraging and says he’s going to break open at any time, but I’m frustrated and not sure.  I think he needs help.  This is why the early intervention assessment.  

Well, the speech assessor was with us.  She thinks he is well behind where he should be for a child his age with cleft lip/palette and/or a child who has switched languages, but a very bright kid.  Again, this is a good thing because this means they will give more therapy than less.

On development, I think DS2 is solid and doing a great job.  He is smart and surprises me a lot.  Sometimes I marvel at his ability to reign in his emotions even when he is out of control.  Even more I’m surprised at how smart he is.  The first time I showed him a shape sorting game, he figured it out without assistance.  He can do shape puzzles without a lot of trying to fit pieces, but actually putting the right pieces in the right place.  Finally, his ability to pick up language; not only is he fluent in English, he’s starting to show great understanding of Spanish with one of the nannies in his playgroup, really amazes me.

However, with the development assessment, I think DS2 was more tired.  He showed his tiredness, displayed his temper, and fought her a bit.  He did well, but the assessor thinks he’s not following directions as well as he should for his age.  I do believe he’s bright, brighter than what she saw, but I will admit he’s having a hard time controlling his temper.  But I think the temper flares most when he has trouble communicating; which is why I’m seeking speech help.  But ok, we’ll see what they recommend, and I won’t fight it, as it is all free therapy.  But this assessment stung just a bit.

Overall, DS2 is doing well.  I hoping we can get all the therapies started in January, and by the time he turns 3, which is when we lose the free state funded therapy, he’ll be starting preschool the next month. Eight months of therapy should show us what we can accomplish if we really work it.  However, I’ll be honest, he needs to mature a lot to do well in preschool.  I’m already rather nervous about whether he'll be ready. 

Thing One and Thing Two Update - part 1

Last week within the hour of losing my job, DS2 received his State appointed Early Intervention Assessment.  Yesterday, I attended DS1’s first preschool parent/teacher conference.  So what order to present?

Today that was an issue, what order, how to juggle two, as I had DS1 sick on the couch and DS2 screaming, literally screaming for attention as I was trying to see if DS1 needed the bucket for throwing up.  I do love them both, but they both make it hard some times.  And reasoning with either child, yes they are both under the age of four, is next to impossible.  Then they both surprise me and make me think I’m the asshole in the equation.  Yeah, mommie guilt.

So, Thing One.

On Sunday this last week we went to a birthday party for one of his friends.  It was at a ceramic/arts craft place.  A pretty cool party over all.  What amazed me was his ability to follow instructions, wait patiently and participate.  I would estimate that six month ago I was worried that he seemed to only learn by watching, but now he could clearly listen and follow instructions.  He is still a suck-up; totally sits near the leader/teacher of the activities.  Or maybe he's used to this due to how we work in the kitchen together. But what surprised me was his participation.  He used to watch everything and do only 30-50% of the activities.  But he was with it all, 100%.  Even at the dance time, he was totally busting moves I’d never seen before.  I will post the video as soon as I figure out how to do that.  There was even a game, which he didn’t seem particularly into, but he did it anyway.

Then at the parent/teacher meeting the teachers confirmed my suspicions, the kid is growing up.  He is helpful in the class, nice to his friends and all the other kids as well.  He is now participating in activities, which at the beginning of the school year he wasn’t.  He rotates through all the class activities and doesn’t seem to avoid anything.  He is showing a good attention span.  Most important to DH, he is now counting to 5, without skipping four.

Here’s the amazing part, his teacher brought up that in the infamous “theater movement” class and music time, he is showing a lot of new moves that have really surprised them.  Well, that’s two of us! DH thinks its the Latin blood showing. He dresses himself – i.e., puts his jacket for terrace time, and buttons his pants after going “pee”.  These last items are great, but why then does he insist I do it at home?  Also you don’t know it until you are there, but just because the kid can poop in the potty doesn’t mean you are off the hook.  I have no idea for how long I’ll be wiping for him.

In NYC there is a lot of peer pressure to start kids in pre-school at age 2.  However, I chose to wait until he was 3.  Not that he was sitting at home doing nothing; the kid has a bigger social life than I ever have with ballet and Spanish classes.  But today, waiting until he was 3 to start the formal everyday school, feels like a good choice.

On the downside, DH thinks that I’m taking out all my frustration on the boys and asking too much from them, but DS1 particularly.  The weird part is, that I know I ask a lot from the boys, but I think I’m asking a ridiculous amount from DS2 more than DS1.  Maybe it’s the second time around guilt?  I feel guilty that the second child gets less attention, which makes me expect more from both so we can have more time doing fun things rather than routine activities.  Maybe I’m missing the point, the boys like doing the routine stuff, its only me feeling like it should be more.  Also the boys are so young that they will not actually remember any of our activities, so why do I try so hard.  But I can’t wait until they are older to have fun.  Yeah, mommie guilt is always there.  And frankly the boys do step up to almost every challenge I throw their  way.  Also, the really have DH wrapped around their little pinkies.

To be continued.

 

The Odd Question

The questions come from DS1 when I least expect them.  Tonight, "when will he stop being Chinese?"  

I was wondering where this even came from, but I think I know.  Today I picked up DS1 from pre-school and took him out to lunch and, the most exciting thing, to pick up a water filter for the refrigerator.  He told everyone we were going for the filter.  I'm constantly amazed at what the boys find exciting in our daily lives.  Well, after school we stopped by this little pizza joint; the kind that are 20 feet long but only 8 feet wide.  There we ran into one of his class mates and her mommie.  The little girl was excited that next week they are going to "Kazakhstan to get a little brother."  Zander was happy to share that he got a little brother in China.  This is a conversation that I couldn't have made up, the kind of crazy unexpected thing that makes me happy we live in NYC.

This evening we were all playing, and I was feeling sorry for myself, thinking I hate the stuff coming out of my mouth; please don't throw the toys, don't step on your brother's head, don't bite me, be nice, do you want to go to bed right now?  But we also have fun - or at least flashing moments of it!  

Well, DS1 typically comes out of the tub first.  I dry him, dress him and then DS2 is ready and wants the same attention.  We are passed screaming every time I take him out of the tub (YEAH!) and now he even pulls the plug for the water when asked.  So tonight DS1 was watching my dress DS2 when I commented that it is ok for DS1 to wear short sleeves, because he stays under the covers, but for DS2, I put on the full warm sleep suit because he still kicks the covers off.  I mentioned that this suit used to be DS1's.  This of course prompted, "when will DS2 be big?"  Me, "Well, over time as he eats, by next year the suit will likely not fit." I thought I heard, "When will he stop being tiny?", so I said "he's not tiny, but he is smaller than you."  To which I was then more loudly asked, "No, when will he stop being Chinese?"

Kind of threw me for a loop.  "Honey, he's going to be Chinese forever.  It's like you are a boy, he's a boy and I'm a girl.  You are going to be boys and I'm going to be a girl, forever".  Hopefully the transsexuals will forgive me for the presumption.  This answer was good enough, no more questions emerged.  But wow, what a question.

Fibbing

I noticed this weekend that I've been lying to the kids to get my way.  First, I decided it was time to cut DS2's hair.  It is finally growing!!  Which is his body finally surrendering to all the nutrition we've been pumping in.  At first I was worried about the lack of hair growth, but I figured it was pretty low on the physical priority scale of how calories are used.  In the last 3 plus months, he has grown 1 inch and gained about 4 lbs.  That's a 25% gain in body weight in one month.  Ok, if he was my size that would be horrendous, but in him, at his size, with his history, it just tells us the state of nutrition he was in before joining us.

On to lying, I turned to DS1 and said, I'd like you to sit on the stool, I'm going to pretend to cut your hair, but I'm not actually going to cut it.  DH was sitting in the kitchen at the time and shot me his now patented look that seems to say, "you are crazy, but I'm too afraid of you to tell you that".  DS1 was in on the game.  I told him, I wanted to cut DS2's hair but I knew he'd want to do it if I did him first.  Of course, DS1 actually doesn't like to have his hair cut, but was totally willing as long as I didn't actually cut his hair.  Well, about a good long 4 minutes into pretending, DS2 was begging to get his done.  The next day, today, I used DS2's bravery as the reason DS1 should let me cut his hair.  Unexpectedly, that worked too.   

Tonight, both of the boys' skin was looking a bit dry.  DS2 is totally cool with lotions and moisturizers, but DS1 screams and cries as if I was trying to fillet him.  Also with sun tan lotion, which always makes me feel like a bad mommie at the beach when he starts screaming, "stop your hurting me" and people sneer. But this summer I found the spray on sun screens, which change the dynamic greatly.  Now, as he's running and screaming "your hurting me", while I chase him with spray in hand, spraying everywhere.  I waste a lot of sun screen, but now the prying eyes tend to laugh at us.

Well tonight, I told him his skin was dry and we need to put moisturizer on it.  He started crying and pushing, etc, you get the scene. Then I said, how about olive oil from the kitchen, "because I here that not only helps your skin but makes your muscles grow".  This worked.  Both boys naked and a bottle of olive oil going everywhere.  Get the pajamas on was hard!

The other lie I'm routinely guilty of, "oh, honey, I don't know where that toys is.  I haven't seen it for ages."  After something annoyed me and found its way to the trash shoot.  Just thought of another, someday someone will catch us eating "rabbit poop" or blueberries.  Maybe that one is just fibbing, because I don't think they believe me.

So over all, I'm not lying about big stuff.  They've been told where babies come from.  DS1 was a cesarean, so I followed his prompting to have a discussion about how big the knife was.  DS2 knows he's adopted and from China, and part of our family, as does DS1 understand the relevant details.  And the boys have been told I'll be working from home more often - I'll be working, just now sure when the pay check is coming.  

But it is funny, I don't lie much.  Which means I don't lie well.  When it comes to the boys I seem to be a bit super sensitive about telling them lies.  But in general, I really don't like to lie and don't bother to try.  But I am sticking with the fact that I am a super hero (and can beat up all the bad guys), there is a Santa (as well as a man in the sky that turns the sun off at the end of the day, and tiny elves that live in the tops of the trees that come down at night and move the pumpkins from the field to the store - I didn't start this one, but I'm supporting DH in his folly) and my super power is imagination.  I wonder what they will feel comfortable lying about?

Change of Circumstance

Introduction  -  I've been writing this post since Wednesday, when I was laid-off from my firm.  I wasn't sure when I'd be ready to post, but it turns out to be today.  The original thoughts are below.  Sorry, I know this is not about the kids, which is the topic I usually restrict myself to addressing, but this is a big change.

11/12/08, 3 pm 

So at 11 am this morning I was laid off at work.  The firm I've been working for is moving out of health care, and let go of about 60 people.  Some folks cried, others got really mad, I went to the gym.

I don't know, but it really doesn't feel like the worst thing ever.  I lost a job once when I didn't want to, that really rocked me.  I don't like the thought of being unemployed. I worry about those that depend on me, the boys, my family.  However, I also don't like about 49% of my job and I've been thinking for a while that Wall Street is broken.  So, what's next?  A good book, more gym time, and some serious soul searching. 

I'm 40, a bit too young to retire. But, finally old enough to be considered experienced, as in over 12 years on the Street.  I like to think so I really need something to do.  I'm not going to do anything rash yet.  In fact, I'm not even sure I'm going to let friends and family know yet. I guess that means I'll keep writing but publish this next week.  

11/12/08 - 9:30 pm 

So it occurs to me that I have been wanting to leave the Street for a few years.  I've been concerned about how I replace the income.  This is tantamount, as I am the family income.  But tonight I started wondering, how much of the income do I really need to replace?  I don't want to go back to my childhood of being aware of parental money stress, revolving bills, and strategic coupon clipping. But it wasn't that bad.  But its also not like our net wealth went to zero.  Just the income went to zero.  How long could we last on what we have?  We have a vacation planned in two weeks, which is already paid for, should I cancel it?  

The severance pay is in question, the number quoted to me today was not the contracted amount.  I'm not sweating it yet, I'll wait for the paper work to arrive.  

A couple months after I returned to work after giving birth to DS1, I received a "big" promotion to research department head.  This turned out to be a roll I really didn't want. I learned a lot, enjoyed it for awhile.   But I recognized it didn't hold my future. To get out of it, I had to switch firms.  Now just two months after returning post adding DS2 to our lives, I get the boot.  Somehow I just believe this change is going to work out better.

11/13/08  10:48 pm

Today I started telling people.  Some casual acquaintances, my best friends, my family (not DH, he heard from me within 5 minutes of the news).  Lots of people are rather worried for me, for my family.  Some even cried when I told them.  I think some of the emotion is due to more the general pent-up of emotions that surrounds everyone involved with the Street.  Some are amazingly empathetic.  

Today I had two appointments that were made weeks ago.  The first was frivolous, I enjoyed it.  The other with a health care company that didn't know my change of circumstance.  They were really supportive, and so has been everyone else in the health care industry with whom I've chatted.  Doors are opening, but I really need to think about the opportunity I've been given to leave the Street.  To redefine how I live my daily life.  Tonight, I'm rather excited about my non-Wall Street opportunities.  

The more I think about the Street, the more I realize I really don't want to go back.  I could give you a dissertation, but mutual funds haven't sent out their year end statements yet.  When people see that their funds, even if the fund is out performing the market, most are still losing money, investors will want their money out of the funds, the redemptions will come in.  As the funds pull money from the market, the market will get hit; small cap more than large cap, but all of it.  Then there will be a lack of confidence by new investors.  I really think we are continuing on a down cycle through Feb 2009, but I also don't currently see the catalyst for improvement in 2009.  Basically, I think 2010 looks better.  So if I only liked 49% of the job and I believe the environment is bad, there is little motivation to look for a near term future on the Street.

I'm sure it will take time to get my strategic health care consulting up and running, I'm sure it will take more time to get this little toy company I've started up and running.  I'm sure there will be other opportunities to consider over time.  I'm sure there will be delays and disappointments along the way,  but I've never been so excited about giving these new venture a go.  

Goodbye suits, or associated guilt for not wearing the suit daily (yeah, I sweated that as I moved into coordinates).  Goodbye 9 to 5, or in my old world the 6:30 am to 9 pm, or more recent times 7:30 am to 5 pm.  Hello to the craziness I shall now try to embrace by seeking entrepreneurial, flexible, but cash generating work.  And,  I'm not afraid of the hours if the drive is there, but I want to see the boys; that wasn't a consideration 5 years ago when I made the first big shift from massively large Wall Street firm to smaller firm.  

Hello to breakfast with the boys, and occasional lunch dates with friends.  Welcome back to passion for the task at hand.  Tonight I go to be excited about tomorrow.  And I'm concerned about trying not to set my future in stone.  And even trying not to set too many balls in motion during the holidays.  Starting to think, Hey 2009, I'm ready for you when you get here!

11/14/08 - 12:15 pm

This morning I played with DS2, as he was the first to wake, and then walked DS1 to preschool.  I went to they gym, went to Barnes & Nobles to buy a calendar book, and then came home to make a cup of tea.  Ouch, I could get used to this!  Again today the brain and spirit are running.  I've come up with a few concepts for my little toy company and have decided I'm probably going forward with a children's book as well.   I've come up with a group of people I would like to touch base with in the Health care industry.  I've embraced the concept of wearing jeans regularly!  I am happy.

Nebraska abandonment

Have you been reading about this? First, let me give you a summary of two articles that have caught my eye in the last two weeks.

OMAHA, Neb. – A 15-year-old girl was abandoned by her father Tuesday night at Creighton University Medical Center in Omaha , bringing to 22 the number of children left under the state's unique safe-haven law since it took effect in July. The State officials declined to answer questions about the case until Wednesday, when more information could be gathered and the girl has been placed in a residential shelter while authorities continue to investigate her case.

Nebraska's safe-haven law, which took effect in July, is the only one in the country that lets caregivers leave children as old as 18 at a state-licensed hospital without fear of prosecution. The youngest child abandoned so far was only a year old; 12 of the 22 left so far have been teenagers. Three children were from other states, including Iowa, Michigan and Georgia.

Nebraska's law was intended to protect infants, but it did not define "child" in its wording. Most state lawmakers have agreed to amend the law when the Legislature reconvenes in January so that it applies only to infants up to 3 days old.

11/10/08 LINCOLN, Neb. – Police say a woman has abandoned her 18-year-old daughter at a hospital, saying she can't control the girl. The woman told officials at BryanLGH Medical Center West that her daughter, who was adopted, is bipolar and has a learning disability. "The adoptive mother says that the daughter refused to take some medication for some conditions that she has." The girl was placed in state custody.

If the young woman's status is confirmed by the state, she would be the 30th child abandoned under Nebraska's safe-haven law since it went into effect in July. Some have interpreted the state's law as meaning it could apply to children as old as 18, because it uses the word "child" and doesn't specify an age limit. Some have taken the word "child" to mean "minor," which in Nebraska includes anyone under the age of 19. Others use the common-law definition, up to age 14. State Department of Health and Human Services officials say another state law pertaining to juveniles will not let authorities take in children older than 17. The Legislature opens a special session on Friday to change the law.

The things that catches my attention:
- clearly abandonment doesn't come easily
- things get tougher as kids get older
- regulators are missing the point, they want to save "babies less than 3 days old" but shouldn't all kids have a loving home?

I'm so sadden by all this. I can't imagine abandoning a child. You would ether have to be amazing self-focused, or amazingly selfless. Imagine thinking that others could do better for your child, and then reaching out for that help. The regulators are horrified that they aren't saving babies, but they still are, these kids need homes.

Elections - late but thoughts won't go away.

OK, for ages I've thought about writing about the elections. First, I was going to write to tell everyone to vote. But, I didn't want to say who to vote for, I just think its good to participate. But, I didn't know how to write my thoughts without offending anyone.

Then I wanted to say, "YEAH!" I'm so relieved. But again I didn't want to offend anyone.

I mentioned it do DH and his usual response to my comments about the blog arose. First, "you still writing that?" Then, "well, what does that have to do with adoption?" and finally, "Why do you care if you offend anyone?". Got to love this man.

Well, I thought about it and I can't let it go. Here's the background. I am Puerto Rican. My beautiful blond-haired blue-eyed olive-skinned son knows how to say all his animals in Spanish. My beautiful jet black-haired, black-eyed, dark-skinned son, will always stand out as not the all-American look. My once-blond, now graying- haired, blue-eyed WASPy husband is becoming a minority! That makes my heart sing. I am also a semi-senior woman on Wall Street - that may qualify me as a greater minority than any thing else!

I tell my husband during a variety of "social issue" fights, he likes to call them discussions, that he'll never know what it is like to walk down the street as a woman. I understand the odd feeling of walking around a foreign country and standing out as different. I also know what it is like in Italy and Spain where I can blend, although I don't belong. And I never forget who I am; I seldom think I fit in. Hey in Idaho, where I grew up, there were no other Puerto Ricans. Now that I'm surrounded by them in New York, I am not one of them, as I lack the language and the urban experience. These are not regrets, not at all, just the facts.

One of my sons is going to walk around and realize few look like him. Frankly, I think both of them will notice this fact. Do we really want to live in a society where the majority of people believe that only white men can achieve the highest office (be it the White House or the corner office)? Do I want to live in a society where we say anyone can achieve anything, but it hasn't occurred yet? I think the empowerment of people, whatever their color, is a good thing for society as a whole. Obama offers that! Even the Latinos around me now say, hey, if a Black man can do it, then watch out as the Latinos move in.

I am not a proud American. I seldom claim to be an American. I've traveled around the world, I know what a fabulous place the US is - do you realize that less than 10% of Americans actually have a passport! I know how horrible the situation is elsewhere and I chose to stay in the US (at least for now. But, I have not been proud to claim participation in this country. I've been horrified by our international policies, and even more horrified by our domestic policies. Do you realize it is still on the books that Asian are not allowed to own land in certain states/counties - left over from the depression/immigration scares, but still on the books. I'm also saddened that the Gay Marriage votes were so opposed. Marriage is a huge commitment that is really hard and sucks in many ways, (yes, I'm happily married), yest we are willing to let immature teenagers do it but not adults in a committed relationship?

But, right now I couldn't be happier. Maybe for a while I'll be proud of my fellow Americans. Not for "overcoming prejudice" but for realizing we are in a mess, we need change and we need it now. If having a Black man in office makes people more aware of prejudice, not just the need for change, well, its a good thing!

So, Thank you for voting. I don't care who you voted for (my guy won, so no hard feelings), but you cared enough to participate, that is awesome, that is what America needs, so let's keep participating! Let's go for change. We have to offer our children something to work with, not a disaster to fix. So yeah, its about the kids! I created one citizen and sponsored a new citizen this year, and we owe them better.

A Weekend Away

I don't know where to start! "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times" No, no, no, I'll save that for discussing politics - which I've been meaning to do an will get to in another post. It was great to get away. It was great to get to know extended family - really nice, lovely people. It was hard to leave the boys. It was good to leave the boys. It was hard to trust them in my parents' care. It was harder to trust them in my parents' care with each phone call home!!

Upon arrival at our first plane transfer, about 2 1/2 hours after leaving the boys, at touch down DH's phone beeps to say there is a message. I don't wait till we got to the gate, I called in taxi mode. Oh Fuck! What is wrong?! But when I called,  I find out that my Dad is having trouble figuring out how to get the sound on the TV.   Ok - not too bad, not bad at all. 

But then my mind starts working. My parents wanted to be with the boys, they complain about not seeing them and worried they won't know them.... but 2 hours into sitting he's trying to watch college football? Also, I don't allow the TV on during day light, so I know this action would prompt a question out of DS1. Afraid of how those were answered.  Also, I don't allow TV, only videos. Yeah, we are taking off on our second flight and I'm starting to wonder how my mom is going to handle both the boys all by herself.

Out of the next 3 calls home over the next 24 hours, twice my mom is napping while the boys are watching videos or playing with my dad. On the third call, my regular day sitter is there, which I had pre-arranged, but an hour beyond what I had scheduled, feeding the boys dinner. Ok, I admit, I'm glad she is there! When I talk to DS1, he informs me, they "are fooling around. Then going to have dinner, go to bed and fool around some more". Clearly he's picking up a few new phrases.

The wedding we attended was magnificent, beyond belief. But it was really the people we were there to see. Cousins, cousins, and cousins and my parents-in-law. It was great. DH's brother and wife were there, and we always enjoy hanging with them. However, DH had decided not to rent a car, to let his father drive, which I can assure you will not happen again!

Let me explain, we actually missed the wedding. We left 45 minutes early to a place supposedly 10 minutes away. We were all in the car, with two, yes, two separate GPS systems. But if you have the wrong address, it doesn't matter how many GPS systems you have!  After driving at least 35 minutes to a wedding supposedly 10 minutes away, we turned around. We called for help and were informed there were directions in the hotel gift bags, Aha!  Interestingly none of us had asked for the gift bags on check in. So, we had back to the hotel for the gift bag, yeah, we'll be a bit late.

As I'm gazing out the window, while my angry father-in-law drives 10 miles an hour down the freeway, I see our hotel go by! I inform the others. We laugh till we cry. 15 minutes later we reach the hotel, I go pee, check my tear stained makeup, grab the gift bag and off we go. 10 minutes into the drive my mother-in-law mentions that we are heading to the same area where the rehearsal dinner was the night before. I lean forward (yes, as dutiful wife I am in the backseat) and note that DH is reading the instructions to the rehearsal dinner site, not the wedding! More laughs, more tears, total family bonding, but the grim reality sets in that we have missed the wedding. Finally, at the wedding site, we pull up as the last bus for the reception is getting ready to leave. We flag it and jump on. 

The extended family, although we've been married for 10 years, I'm still just getting to know. This is the reason for the trip, and well worth it. Really just a great wave of people, all friendly and lovely, very welcoming although the years have passes since a tighter relationship existed. I really don't want to ascribe it to southern hospitality, these people are simply nice.

The next day was a post wedding brunch, lunch with cousins, and then our uneventful flight home. My house was tidy, the boys asleep, and my parents were tired and hungry. They want to sit again. They say they had fun. But I'm sure I'll hear the truth over the next few days as DS1 already told me that it would have been better if the lady grandpa had slept in his room and grandpa that snores could stay in my room.

Second time around

Two things on my mind tonight; first there are many things which I'm getting to enjoy the second time around that I've forgotten, and second,  I'm also going away this weekend for the first time and I'm nervous about leaving the boys.

When DS2 joined us, I was at first overwhelmed by we were "going backwards" to forgotten territory; diapers, snot, drool, etc.  But recently I've started enjoying a few things as I get to visit them the second time.  

For example, in the morning, DS2 wants me to put make up on him too.  When we head out, he wants lip gloss too.  When I come home he hugs my knees together with all his strength, that almost knocks me over.  I love that now he is blowing kisses, and I had forgotten how wonderful it is to have a kiss blown at you unexpectedly.  

The other day DS2 kept closing the closet door every time I opened it.  DS1 commented, "he's closing it again mommie".  I mentioned, "When you were small you liked to do that too; open and close all the doors".  DS1 was a bit fascinated that DS2 is not just a pet, but doing things he's done.  I want more kids, but recognize I'm unlikely to have any more babies in the house after these two.   For now, the second time around on the good stuff gets savored.  

As I said, this weekend I'm going away.  Just one night, but for the first time ever, out of town with DH and no kids.  I've traveled for work, even for a full 4 nights, but the kids were with DH.  I worry in this scenario, but about the basics not big stuff; i.e., did he feed them food or just snacks?  DH and  I have had a night without DS1; leaving him at home with a sitter while we spent a romantic night/morning in a great NYC hotel.  But we were just a few minutes away by cab.  

This time, we are heading out to a cousin's wedding, leaving early Saturday and returning Sunday night.  We are flying; not a quick cab ride away.  

Yeah, I'm a bit stressed about it.  The boys are staying home.  My parents are coming over.  My parents are in their 70s and want to show me they can do it.  The boys have met them on many occasions, so I'm not worried there.  But what if DS2 goes into melt down?  What if DS1 shows them what a full blown 4 year old temper is?  What if my folks fall asleep while the kids are awake?  DH says they will be fine, but I think he's just excited to get away.

Oddly the two thoughts go hand in hand.  Maybe the second time around on taking care of my kids will be good for my folks.  Maybe they'll get to remember how fun and oddly surprising every moment is.  Maybe the boys are in enough of a routine, the boys will behave - yeah I know hopeful thinking - I think they are more likely to try to get away with stuff; i.e., yeah, mom lets us watch videos when it is still day light - NOT!  Maybe its good for the grandparents to remember how hard it is for 36 hours straight.  Then they won't think I'm crazy.

I don't know, but I would rather take the boys with me and leave DH with the grandparents.  Not true, I would rather take DH to a hotel in the city and leave the boys with the folks, just a cab ride away.  The other option is to take the boys and my parents to the wedding and leave my parents in the hotel with the kids - yeah, that makes no sense at all, financially as well as hassle-wise.  So, I'm off.  The folks are in.  DH is happy.  And no fresh post from me this weekend.  Sigh, I'll be away.  

Siblings

Daily I have a thousand and one thoughts about sibling relationships. Here's a few of the biggies; How do I foster love between them? How do I make sure each is getting what they need? How do I treat them the same when they are different? Am I making one do more than the other? How aware of one another are they? How aware of one another should they be? Who's going to do what, be what, need what?

I thought this series of photos was telling. First, in complete parallel play. Doing their own thing, but aware of each other. The second, still parallel play, but in the kitchen with me while I'm cooking. Here it tends to be more interrupted and interactive; they both like to get involved in what I'm doing. And Finally, the influence; if you can do it, I can too!

While most all of my friends have very different relationships with their own siblings, but want the same thing for their own kids - for them to like each other and have a "close" relationship. But I'm still in the stage where we would be happy if the kids would just not scratch/bite/pinch each other. And yet, I have a feeling we'll graduate to hitting and real torture by the teen years.

We have only been a family of four for three months, so I'm not sure what to expect. But DS2 is clearly enamored with DS1; he wants to do everything his big brother does. DS1 is very aware of DS2, but wants he needs his separate time to do big boy things. DS1 is mostly tolerant of the need to share, very vigilant on any safety issues and generally great about it all. I do worry that all of us tend to talk a bit about DS2 while he is with us, as if he couldn't understand us, because he's not speaking yet. However, given how short their memories are at this age, I'm hoping I'm not causing any therapy needs for DS2 down the road. But at the same time, he is hearing about the orphanage and adoption issues from the get go as DS1 tries to work it all out.

Now that I have two children, I won't say they are opposites of each other, but it becomes hard not to compare them a bit. One is more musically oriented. One is more physically coordinated. But on some things, I think I'll just need more time to see them develop - for example, I'm not sure which one will be more verbal, imaginative, or independent quite yet.

Are we setting a good example? DH and his brothers talk on the phone regularly. I love it. They talk politics and sports. Is this the stuff that keeps them close? Are they really informed about each others lives? I don't know, but they are talking and calling which is a sign that they are close. I don't call my brother. But I do like to see him when the chance emerges. I guess we are not close, but there is also nothing really in the way, which is good. I guess we aren't the worst examples for our boys. I have no idea if they will be close? Yeah, as kids they have friends in common, but will they call each other as adults. It will be a long time in waiting for this answer.

At Preschool for a Day

Last week, I was the "cookie" lady at DS1's preschool. I got to tell you, it was an amazingly awesome experience.

Here's the gig, I like to bake. DS1 likes to bake. I thought his class might get into it. I emailed the teacher and volunteered to bring in pre-made cookies, but have the kids mix the frosting and then frost the cookies. I gave her a few dates and she took me up on it.

Here's the fears. DS2 is in a class of 12 kids, they call it a cluster. They are in a huge room they share with another cluster of 12 kids, so in all, I'd have 24 children with which to deal. Each cluster has two teachers. In NY State, to teach preschool you have to have a master's degree in early education. Basically, to me, the novice at this stuff (kids, not baking) the numbers are intimidating, but I figured the teachers would know what to do. Also I wasn't sure how DS1 would feel about having me in the room.

The reality; it was awesome! When I arrived, the kids were out of the room at "theater movement" class, or as they told me when they arrived "te-a-ta movement". I thought that was totally cool, something I would do now, but never had the exposure as a kid. I was given the table by the sink, and told I would have 5-6 kids at a time. When they came it, they immediately eyed me a bit suspiciously. I was surprised to learn I was the first visiting mommie so far this year.

The teacher, who I now think is a miracle worker, said, "This is DS1's mommie, she's here to decorate cookies with you". These simple words totally defused their anxiety. The kids were instructed to go wash their hands before coming over to me. DS2 was in the first group and quickly organized his buddies into the first group. They all wore aprons I brought along, which was hilarious. These were a handful of my adult-sized aprons that I just tied up around their arm pits, and two of DS2's small ones.

They helped mix the food color into the frosting. I did one big bowl of orange, which they took turns with (dropping in color and mixing, there was so much color, that I had never seen orange so bright1), and zip lock baggies of yellow, green and pink, which they mixed by just squeezing the bags. The cookies (eggless, substituted buttermilk for regular milk) were pumpkin shaped. I had little spatula's with me, so they spread their own orange frosting, then added any decorations they liked. I had little m&ms, candy corns and sugar sprinkles. The kids were amazing! They concentrated, were totally into it, and even asked permission to eat the candy at the table.

After the first group got started, all the kids wanted in on the action. To be swarmed by 24 kids, even though they are all only about 3 ft tall, was intimidating! But we were organized and to keep things moving, the teacher designated a separate table as the "eating table", which the kids moved to once their cookie was done.

DS1 moved to eat, but then came back. He wanted to stay with me. I wasn't sure what to do, but the teacher came over and said loudly, "We all need to remember to say thank you to DS1 for sharing his mommie, as that is a special treat for all of us. He's her special helper today." Then I gave him a towel and he cleaned up each seat as the kids moved to the eating table. DS1 was happy I was there, but also a bit proud. I think he thought it was cool we could do this thing that he and I do together fairly often with all his friends. As the kids came to join us, he introduced each one; all 23 kids! Even I don't have that grace under pressure and I've known my friends much longer!

Again, I was so impressed by these kids. They were nice, polite, overall amazingly well behaved. And, they were into it. They wanted to eat their cookies, but they weren't stuffing their faces with the candy; they really wanted to decorate first. Also they were taking their time, showing effort and trying out all the tools I had brought along. They were chatting with me, and helping one another. It was very cool. An hour flew by in 2 minutes!

I had planned on having them do three cookies each, but after decorating one, they were ready to eat, so plans changed. I put two undecorated cookies in a bag for each kid to take home. They helped me with their names and put the cookies on the hooks with their coats.

At the very end, the teacher asked me to read a story book. That was awesome. The book was a silly Halloween story, which rhymed just a bit. The kids caught on quickly and helped me with the rhyme. They were attentive and stayed with the story. Then, it was time to go.

I left the school on cloud nine. My son was proud of me - and I know there is likely to be few of these precious moments. I am glad I'm not a preschool teacher, but I think those who are should be applauded! So, now I'm wondering if we should do gingerbread people, or if I should wait for Valentine hear cookies to volunteer again.

Halloween

A few Halloween photos for you. DS1 was a bat, DS2 was a Young Republican, I just wore a witches hat. Yep, we ended up with a "conceptual" costume for DS2 after a major tantrum over the Spiderman costume that didn't happen - well, we got the costume on, tears, then wanted it off, so got it off, then tears, wanted it back on. After a struggle, I just put DS2 in his camo pants, a t-shirt that says "Young American" and his little bomber jacket and called it good.

Have you wondered what we do in NYC - yes, we trick or treat! But first we parade! The village (downtown) is known for the biggest Halloween parade in the country. If you are an adult, it is awesome; maybe even for teens. But I'm not willing to take the kids that far from home on a crazy night in the city. Also the costumes get very elaborate and I'm not ready to explain all the gore.

Up in our hood, they start with a kids' costume parade where we all follow the bagpipers (why? I have no idea) from soldiers monument, around Riverside Park, to end at Hippo Play ground. Then the kids run around like crazy and the neighborhood association sells Dunkin Donuts' donut and apple cider for a buck. The bag pipers stand on one side and play for about an hour or so, both boys liked checking out this action.

Then around 5 pm, we headed home. We had a few friends join us for pizza before taking the kids out trick or treating. Two firsts; (1) I read a cool idea on pizza, so we made the pizza and I sliced mozzarella thin and DS1 used a cookie cutter to make pumpkin shaped cheese for the pizza. Second, this was the first time I've made a picture of martinis. I was trying to make Cosmopolitans, but I didn't have cranberry juice so I substitute a juice box, yep, you read right, juice box. Everyone raved and was curious how I made them.

This year we hit all the lobbies on 79th street between Columbus and Amsterdam, then the street of brownstones on 78th. It was awesome. The boys don't totally get it. They like getting the candy, but don't understand why this craziness is going on. Also, they got a touch scared if the set up was to scary. Third, they don't have any idea how much candy it is possible to collect.

All the lobbies were decked out and the doormen giving candy. But if you want to trick or treat door to door, they give you a list of apartments to visit. With two toddlers and a small group of us all with little guys, we were happy to stay on ground level and just do the lobbies. However, I have a feeling in years to come we'll hit the full buildings. DS1 was a bit more into checking out all the decorations and getting the candy. DS2 was cute in that he would take the candy from the first place, turn it in for something different at the next place. Eventually he was happy to just sit in the stroller with a lollie.

It was cool to go out. It was a gorgeous evening, with only jackets but no coats. It was neat to see the boys have fun, and DS1 help DS2 navigate the evening. It is great they can get excited about 10 pieces of candy and not need 1,000 more pieces. And given the environment down at my day job, it was great to get out and see the city being so silly.

Vote NOW!

Tomorrow is the presidential election but right now Rick Mowat's short film Marty Learns to Drive is a finalist for the PBS REEL13 FILM FESTIVAL. You can go to this link:
http://www.thirteen.org/reel13/films/vote-for-saturdays-short
and watch and vote for Marty Learns to Drive to be broadcast on PBS.

Please do something positive for our country and get the vote out for Marty Learns to Drive. This is reel change! http://www.thirteen.org/reel13/films/vote-for-saturdays-short

Yeah, now you know who DH is! My husband is the director - go vote! If you want to watch and vote, the film is about 11 minutes.

The Evolution of Siblings

There has been a seismic shift in our household in the last two weeks.  I've almost been afraid to write about it but, today I'll share.

About two weeks ago DS2 finally figured out it is better to hand out in bed with DS1 then to have to go to bed in our room by himself.  The first time, I had put him to bed with DS1, but as usual he came walking out.  I told him, "Hey, you really want to sleep by yourself? You'll be alone, you'll cry and we'll all be sad."  He shook his head at me and then turned and walked back into the bedroom with DS1.  

Then he slept through the night.  

Since then, he goes in for the bedtime story, then lays down and hangs out till he falls asleep.   DS1 tends to fall asleep with in 10-15 minutes.  DS2 hangs out, pretty quietly, chills, doesn't get out of bed, but may not go to sleep for 25-30 minutes.  

This shift, took so much stress out of our lives.  First, I could let go of the guilt associated with making him cry until he fell asleep.  Then DS1 shifted his thoughts.  Some how DS2 moved from "pet" status, which included all sorts of comments to me, along the lines of, "what is my brother doing?", "what does my brother want", and "my brother doesn't like his cookies, can I eat them".  To "sibling" status. I first noticed it a couple nights ago in the bathtub.  I was giving the boys shaving foam with which to wash.   DS2 rubbed it on DS1's back, and DS1 asked, what is that.  I told him, he didn't mind and let DS2 continue.  After a few minutes, DS1 put cream on DS2.  True interaction.  The next night I came home from work and they were pretending to be in a boat together, with DS1 shouting instructions - i.e., lean this way, that way, row.  DS2 shouting back.  Then last night they were watching the 15 minutes of video before bedtime story.  DS2 had wandered down the couch and DS1 said, "hey, DS2 move down here so you can see  better".  

I know these examples may not seem like much, but it is so tangible.  It has changed how we all function.  There is a new understanding between them.  Even without DS2 speaking.  There is less tension at bed time, and this is huge for DH as well. I'm worried about his lack of speech, DS2 that is, and he continues to impress me with his maturity.  

Photo note: thought you'd like this one of our bike ride last weekend when both boys fell asleep in the wagon.  It's not happened before.  Usually they stay awake chatting and looking at stuff,  But this time we wore them out.

Complexity of Caring for a family

The parenting stuff is so much more complex than I can handle at times, that I just have to ignore some issues.  

I'm working on integrating the family, getting us all in school/work routine.  This meant getting some of the family's non-emergency care just had to wait.  For example, I'm just starting the Early Intervention Program.  This is the state funded program that helps any child with significant delays in speech, physical or cognitive delays under the age of 3.  As it is state funded, the child has to be evaluated and qualify by their approved people, then the state selects the amount of therapy, type of therapy and therapist (well, for the most part).  The good thing is it's a free evaluation, free therapy, and the therapy is supposed to happen at your house.

From the first request by a parent to final decision on therapy, is mandated to be no more than 45 days, but my process is slowly grinding moving forward. Which makes me feel a bit bad about taking so long to get started.  First, the lady whose job it is to tell me about the program upon my request was sick for a week.  Then, I am requesting  speech help, but they are requiring full developmental evaluation.  That is a nice precaution, but it requires another meeting which is tough on a working mom.  The program is supposed to evaluate the kid in your home, but since DS2 only heard Mandarin until 3 months ago, they decided he has to have a bilingual evaluation, which means we have to take him to a site in Chinatown, for both evaluations. I've already got the pediatrician sending in paper work.  But hey, I'm still waiting to get his hearing tested, so that throws a wrinkle into the evaluation problem I'm just not going to deal with (I actually think his hearing is fine, but the hearing test "should" be a priority due to the common hearing issues associated cleft palate).

Next, poor DH.  In the first month home I probably asked him to move out half a dozen times.  I don't know why he didn't go, and there is no need now.  He has been the last priority in this "adjustment" window.  And as other items get check off the "to do" list, he has risen in my priorities.  What "adjustment" as in adjustment time; reality is our life as we knew it is over.  There has been a structural change.  There is no going back.  But hey, we don't really know what lies ahead.  But I'm sure it is more "adjustments".

I don't even want to go into the job, where I'm excited about a few projects I'm working on but still have not moved them forward as quickly as I wanted to because of, time out for preschool (next post), time out for Halloween, time out for lunch with girls (read mental health), and other work stuff that sneaks up in priority.  

No great conclusion tonight, just admitting its all complex.