How Life Collides

"Collides" doesn't necessarily bring on a positive connotation, but I mean it in a positive way. This is the limitation of my small vocabulary, and lack of refined language skills on full display. Anyway, recently I've watched various parts of my life, that were always rather separate, collide. The result has generally been greater richness for the relationships for me, whether the other person was ready or not!

Yesterday, I started the spring/summer battle of window cleaning. I love it when our windows are clean and it feels like a tree house (we live on the second floor, which means we are in the trees, a feeling I love). But all winter, I let it go. There is no battle to fight in the winter time; the wind, rain, snow win because I'm not up for freezing while cleaning the windows, to have them get dirty again the next day. But by Spring, I want all the sun shine. I want a clear view of the park. I want the windows open. Well, to clean the living room windows I have to climb on the cadenza. This means getting out protective cardboard from the closet. With my Big boy helping me, we started pulling out the card board only to be greeted by one of New York's finest, a huge water bug about two inches long. It ran between two pieces of cardboard, but its antennae were sticking out, so we knew right were it was. If my lovely groom had been home, he'd had been called into action. However, he's away. So, drawing on the skills I've learned on the Wednesday noon kick boxing class. I clocked the boards with a direct strike. We heard the crunch! I am know officially a bug-kicker-killer according to the Big Boy!

This morning the little man woke me early. We had time to make popovers before the big guy needed to head to preschool (whom was still snoring in his bed), so he and I cooked. The popovers turned out great, but I had forgotten the speech therapist, with whom I haven't bonded but still respect, was coming over early. Well, even earlier than she had booked. So she joined us all for breakfast. First, she was impressed that we baked so early in the morning; did I mention she doesn't have children so doesn't really know what early in the morning is. Second, she hasn't hung with all of us to see how we interact on daily stuff. She hangs with the boys and does sound repetition. She was surprised at how good the popovers were, and how much the boys get into the routine, i.e., helping me set and clear the table, and she was stunned at how many words our little man attempts to use. I got to like her a bit better (anyone who compliments my cooking can't be all bad). And the little man got out of the usual routine of sounds to show her vocabulary.

Lastly, I've noticed a change in my daytime sitter. When I first lost my job and was around, she tried to keep the boys quiet and out of my way. Now she sees they just want to say "hi" and then will leave the office. She sees that I am working hard, or at least writing, not just hanging around the house. And I share with her if I have a big or small project going on and whether it is fun or not. I give her high-fives when consulting checks come in the mail. Now she tends to over-cook/over-buy for the boys at lunch and invites me to join them. I've noticed she's been turning on the dishwasher before she leaves in the late afternoon. I've noticed that she likes to hang and chat with me at lunch, just as much as the boys do. And yes, she has even started to eat breakfast on occasion with us. All I view in the most favorable way.

I've never been super strict about keeping work separate from play, separate from family; i.e., the blog is mostly about the boys/parenting. But now in the last few months with me home, the lines definitely have begun to blend. The toughest part is making sure I spend enough time on work. But I think life is becoming richer for the blending. I know I'm having fun.

Authoritative Defiant

I drafted this post three months ago, then didn't have the heart to post it. Today, I was listening to another adoption mom lament on the topic and thought, "ok, I'm not alone. Time to post that old draft". The good news is that the behaviour has improved significantly, the better news is that I expect it to continue to improve!

Old draft:
Authoritative Defiant, this phrase/term has been bouncing around in my head for about a week. The occupational/play therapist for DS2 used it in explaining her early assessment of him.

Last week, the boys were a bit late returning from a play date and were about 20 minutes late to a schedule therapy session. This created the opportunity for the therapist and I to sit down and talk freely without the boys present (I worry that the little pictures have big ears). She thinks our little China man is really smart and an impressive problem solver for a two year old - I agree. She thinks he is very demanding and really want 110% of every one's attention - I agree. She said that must be hard to live with - I agree.

But the attention demand is improving. I see more of the boys than the therapist and I believe the boys need to have time without friend or parental stimulation. Sometimes I purposely remove myself from the play to let them go with their own imagination. This doesn't mean I get to leave the room, I just pulled back, read a magazine or tidy up. My older son I will let play in his room or the living room unsupervised while I do things around the apartment. But I'm close by and he checks in often. The little man, I'm leery to leave him alone.

The other thing the therapist mentioned, and this is a good one - he's authoritative defiant; it has to be his way or he fights. I agree. But then I thought, "wow, he's so much better now than 3 months ago, I'm really glad we didn't start therapy until now." Our boy is opinionated, beyond having an opinion. He really is a tyrant, everything must be his idea, his way. I show him breakfast and he pushes it away. Everyone else starts eating and he screams out for his food. It is not that he doesn't want it in the first place, it is that he wants everything to be his idea. Even when I let him choose. For example when he needs a shirt, I open the drawer and let him pick. But once the shirt is on, he may change his mind and scream until we change it. Recently I've decided to go with the first choice and that is it. So lots of screaming and tears.

In reality, this is why we have the occupational/play therapy (updated note - it has HELPED so much!!!). To have DS2 learn the rules of play, to catch up on the language and skills most two year olds have gain via social interaction. Authoritative Defiant is a challenge meant to be handled by an equally stubborn, strong willed, and disciplined mommy; yeah, Me. Yeah, he was meant for me. Wow we have a lot of growing to do.
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Follow up - like I said things are better now. But at the time, I was just to frustrated to talk about it. But discipline consistency is the key. Not letting him have the other option, but sticking with his first choice create a week of angst, but then he got it. Sometimes I can now let him change his mind without a earthquake occurring. And we've used timeouts for when he is out of control. My older son figured out that time-outs are no fun after one or two. From then on it only took a single threat, "do that again and you'll get a time out". However for the little man, he needed about a month of time-outs to figure I wasn't going to fold. Now the threat works. But in that month, it was hard to love a defiant screaming, kicking, crying kid. Now his personality hasn't changed; he still wants it his way. However as the words are starting to come, it is easier to understand. And as he knows he can't railroad me into anything, but only has the options I outline up front, he chooses among the options and sticks with his choice. But, we have our days; both good and bad. But when I read that original post and think about the pain I was in then, we have come a long way baby!

Spring rains = worms

I had such a great time with the boys all to myself this weekend. It rained on Friday night and early in the day Saturday, but by Saturday afternoon it had stopped and we were ready to get out to burn a bit of energy.

Several exciting things;

• The little man can now reach the pedals on the tricycle and actually pedals! He can generally steer, but if we are trying to go quickly, I take the back handle and guide.
• The life order is established, the Big boy leads, the Little man follows. If the big boy stops, the little man stops. The little man has been instructed that he is to follow. The little man seems happy with the arrangement for now.
  
• Spring has sprung and the boys now know the difference between daffodils and crocuses, but really just like finding the colors.
• Worms still come out when it rains. You can still pick them up with a stick. They are still worthy of saving (moving them from the sidewalk to the safety of the grass). And I still rule on the icky factor of being the first one willing to touch with my fingers to show them that it won't hurt. However, I did stop short of showing the boys you could rip it in two and both ends live.
  

A friend is adopting; what do you say?

Today I was chatting with someone about the friends we "lost" via choosing to adopt. I can't share her story, but I'll share mine. I lost a friend, didn't even know it would happen, and yet, we are still friends. She just doesn't know that I don't fully share with her anymore and no longer trust her on her impression on the events in my life. Which begs the question, are we really friends? Well, Yes, and no.

When we were in the process of adopting, our friends and acquaintances were generally very supportive. A few friends honestly told me they really couldn't muster any interest in pursuing adoption for themselves; this I didn't mind at the time and still appreciate. These were people who just weren't up to the task and were honest enough to know it. They didn't discourage me, they just weren't up for it themselves. Then there were friends who said they had thought about it, but just hadn't been in the right situation or time for them to make a move on that. These friends were generally supportive, and really remain so. But, there were a few who just blurted out comments that surprised me. Along the lines of, "so and so adopted and their kids are f*@#% up".

At the time, I just dismissed the comments and thought nothing of it. But as time has passed and I've had "adjustment" issues, adjustments to; being the mom of two, being the mom of a two year old without language, to economic changes in our life, to changes in my work life, to incorporating a foreign culture into mine and my boys life, and finally changes in my outlook of how I want to live. The problem is, with my friend who thinks adoption=problems, or =problem children, I don't trust her to understand that I'm chatting about life and/or my woes and not "adoption" issues, Not problems due to the fact my son is adopted but due to the fact I'm not a perfect mom and trying to be.

These friends have been reduced from close friends to a good time buddies that may overhear real conversations with real friends, but the bond is broken. The love remains, because I care about them and their lives. I just don't trust them with mine. Because of this I now think more about how spoken I am on my opinions are with my friends. I'm sure I've said things that could and did offend. I'm thankful that my friends are in my life. I think I will hit a point where I trust some of my one-sided friendships again. All is not lost.

philanthrapy

A year ago, I really didn't worry about spending money on things. I didn't really balance the check book. I wasn't crazy (in my opinion) in my spending habits, but I didn't have to run a tight balanced budget. Today, things are different.

Now I'm not giving/donating as much to charities as I used to and I'm measuring our spending. The measuring doesn't bother me. I don't mind buying a cheaper brand of something, or not buying things I don't really need. I think spending less feels good. For me I feel more in tune with the world and creating less waste. However, the not giving really does bother me.

I have a few charities I like, that I have been a regular support of years, and I've pulled back. Unfortunately, I'm not alone. My favorite charities are all sending me really sad letters of how support has become tough to find due to the overall economic times and they hope, "regular donors like YOU can step up on their behalf." Yeah, knife in teh gut and twist.

A couple years ago I made a decision for the year that any extra money that happened my way I would give away. That was an amazing year. I came into all sorts of little extras and just passed them straight through to whomever jumped into my mind as someone that could use it. At work they had an anniversary lottery, and when it was announced, I just knew I would win. Amazingly I did. Everyone was asking how are you spending the money? I would just smile. It was funny I didn't want tell them I was giving it away. But, I told a few people and they were amused, dismayed, they didn't get it. However I believe I won because the cosmos pointed me to a few people/organizations that needed help that year. The prizes/money weren't ment for me.

So back to this year. Charity has been on my mind. A couple weeks ago was the worst; we went to a fund raiser for my son's school, the future school for both my boys. In addition to paying tuition which was just slightly less than the annual salary of my very first job post college, we were arm twisted into attending the annual benefit. A $300 per person benefit. This is a big ouch, when you are starting two businesses, one with income and one not likely to be profitable for another 6 months or more. Everyone was assigned auction paddle as we entered and the items being auctioned was amazing; a week in a ranch house in Montana for up to 19 people with full staff and guides; a box at Madison Square Garden for four persons for four different sporting events; a cooking lesson with Jean-Georges, etc. None of the items auctioned went for under $5,000. Several went for over $25,000. But the worse was they had an open bid, raise your paddle to receive nothing but donate money to the school. Last year, they would have got me on the open donation. This year I couldn't justify raising the paddle beyond our tuition, it made me sad, but it was prudent for the moment. Sucks.

So, I have a friend hosting an on-line fund raiser and frankly, it is not going well. Her goals are modest, and the money is just not happening. I'm not going to beg; I know our current environment. I know how we are all watching our bucks. And, I know there are some like me that try to save for our favorite charities rather than every charity from which we hear. However, I love the spirit of trying, and trying for a good cause, so I'm just going make you aware of one more worthy cause. http://gowerfam. blogspot.com/

The things I "over hear"

DH is home early tonight to give the boys a bath as this is his last evening with him before his trip. He doesn't often do the bath routine. So I filled the tub, left them in there and went to get pajamas. This is when I over heard DS1 say, "Daddy don't let him drink the water, I already peed in it." And DH responded, "Oh, well."

Last week a light in the kitchen blew out and DH wanted to fix it without calling an electrician. I was in the living room and the boys were in the kitchen "helping" my lovely handyman of a husband when I shouted out, "Don't forget to turn the main power off." Within 30 seconds I hear DH shout a few choice words and DS1 runs in saying, "Mommy I want to stay with you; there were FLAMES in the kitchen."

The other general item I over hear when the boys are all playing together (sons and husband) is all the talk of killing the bad guy, chopping heads body parts, and shooting. The violent language drives me crazy, but I know its the age. They aren't getting it from TV as there is only 30 minutes of video daily. They aren't likely getting it from preschool or therapy, as I trust all the adults in our life a bit more than that. But they are at the age of playing super heroes and bad guys. I did finally call the electrician and he visited yesterday. DS1 informed him, "you have to fix the light or my mom will kick your butt."

I love them, but yeah, they all scare me just a little bit.

The Parenting Uglies

Yelling, Spanking, Hitting. There is worse, but these are the big uglies of parenting for me.

I yell. I've been yelling a lot less lately. I don't think it is good to yell at the kids. A lot of my yelling is just trying to get their attention. This particularly drives me crazy. I don't like having to yell over them to let them know that, "I AM BESIDE YOU, YOU DON'T NEED TO YELL". Which every time I get to that point I want to cry.

When it was just my older son, he understood the hand signal of pushing down as meaning, lower the volume. But with two, they just wind each other up until I'm no longer able to breath. I will take any suggestions on this front. I've moved to just covering my ears until they notice I'm not happy. While I like this solution, it does not work in a crowded environment - i.e., the dinner. This weekend my little man was yelling, just for fun, just because he thought he could in a restaurant. I told him to stop. I put my hand to my lips. I put my hand to his lips. Nothing worked. I finally turned his high chair away from the table and said more loudly than I should, "you want to sit with THOSE people? You really want to sit with THOSE people? Because no one sitting at this table is going to yell. IT IS UNACCEPTABLE!" He quickly quieted and told me "No", as in no I don't want to sit with those people.

Afterward, he sat quietly, not an angel, but quietly, so I was happy. I overheard a table nearby saying that they thought they weren't the worst with whom to have to sit. And on the way out, the waiter who hasn't really chatted with us in the 10 years we have been going there talked to my husband as I was getting the kids dressed. Outside my husband said the waiter complemented me on taking control and being strict with the kids. He said he has tons of regulars that don't ever discipline there kids in public. So my freak out in a loud, although not the at home yell, received a compliment. Frankly, I think there must be a better way. Yeah, parenting sucks.

On spanking. I've never been a fan. The whole bending over and smacking bottoms "when daddy gets home" is entirely too late. The smacking bottoms at the scene of the crime has never worked for me, because at that point I'm too close to really wanting to cause harm. The smacking a hand is an interesting in between. It is still "hitting" but it is much more limited. Nonetheless, I avoid it. I work in the kitchen with the boys a lot. This is the arena where I have used the hand-taps. Even after being told the knife is sharp and they can't touch it, even after a yell "no", the boys are so shocked if I hand tap, or even the air tap to the hand, the action brings on dismay and shock, then tears from them. With hot, I say "hot", then if they reach (and its not a boiling pot of water) let them reach and learn on their own. However, with knives, I'm not willing to let them cut themselves. And I'm not kicking them out of the kitchen, so suggestions welcomed.

On hitting. Wow, hitting is just a don't go there item. I understand wanting to hit. I remember, "If you don't stop crying I'll give you something to cry about". But I understand the desire to hit. Today the little man took an entire time out in screams. Yeah, I could have hit him if that was what it would take for him to stop screaming because he was in time out for multiple request to stop throw the play dough. Instead, I finally picked him up and put him in my bedroom and closed the door until I calmed down. The joy of two kids is that one gets crazy and the other wants you to keep playing as if the other wasn't in the room. Yeah, this wasn't a great solution as he went hysterical alone in the room to the count of 10, well, really the count of 30 because it took three tries for me to feel calm. But by the time I opened the door he was ready to stop throwing. But I wonder, does putting him in a safe place until I calm down cause harm as well? Parenting sucks.

So tonight the uglies, yelling which I'm doing less and less, spanking which has never been a choice, and hitting which I totally understand but have a strong stand against is on my mind. I get it. I just wish none of them were necessary. I wish none of them were being modeled to me on the play ground; I saw a kid slap on the play ground today so hard that I was stunned to silence along with everyone else within a 30 foot radius. I wish I had perfect children and was a perfect mom. Unfortunately, I'm not.

Friends

How many times do you think you need to interact with someone for them to become a friend? How much shared experience do we need?

I was wondering about this watching the boys with their friends on the play ground. The boys have nothing but time. The hang with their buds, they create the shared experiences over a matter of 2-3 visits. On the first play date with a new kid, there is a bit of formality between the kids. But by the 4-5th they are "buds". They have done things together, they have learned each others names. They have likely hit one another or had a fight over a toy and bonded after the conflict. They have likely shared a meal or snack. And they now know each other well enough that if one is crying, the other goes for help. And they don't love everything about one another, they just work it out.

With adults, you see each other "around", but don't really get to have more than a chat. The shared meal or snack may not come until the 5th, 10th, or 29th meeting. And having a conflict and getting over it, takes longer if both sides decide to get over it to create real friendship. As adults, and I didn't look this up, but I'm sure the info is out there, I'll guess it takes us months/years to make a new friend. But the kids, they have time on their side. They can make a real friend in 2-3 days.

Friends are on my mind, because I'm spending a fair amount of time alone now - working from home, home with the boys. I actually like it. But I do find myself reaching out a bit more to friends asking for lunch/coffee dates. And maybe sometimes I'm "relationship rushing" in that I become a bit too friendly, too quickly. I'll ask for the coffee date on the second meeting, because I see a spark in someone and have no idea when I might casually run into them again (as my work tends to keep me busy in the house). And, it is hard to have a conversation more than the sentences when also watching the boys on the playground. But I'm also a low maintenance friend, as I am busy and don't want to have coffee everyday, or even every few days; but monthly might be nice. I'm email friendly, but I don't like to talk on the phone or text.

And as adults, I think we are less forgiving when we don't meet eye-to-eye on a political/religious/social issue. We don't keep going to the point of mutual respect, and friendship. Too often we surround ourselves with people "like" us. This is on my mind as I am new to being available in the day, and their are established cliques out there. I'm the new person trying to find where I fit.

I'm also coming from the corporate world, where you had to figure out how to get along with people whether I really liked them or not. I'm willing to agree to disagree. I'm willing to understand that not everyone sees the world as I do and that there are people who can show me another point of view. But I'm new to the social game at school pickup and the play ground. And in this new venue, there seems to be an assessment of me going on; will I fit? Am I a like-minded soul? a bit less of the corporate feeling that "hey we are all in the same office so lets find common ground".

I'm glad I have friends, I'm glad there are opportunities to make new ones. I'm glad I have other things to do with my time besides just social stuff. But adult friendship is an interesting thing. We like the person, we hope they like us, but its not a given for many, many years. And when its not yet a given, it feels to me very new and vulnerable.

Sensitivities

This weekend we gathered with a group of families from the greater NY area that had adopted boys from China! It was fascinating to see the boys, as my eyes have become so accustomed to all the girls we routinely meet.

It was also fascinating to see as parents, and yes, adoptive parents we have so many hidden "hot" buttons. One mom was curious as to the "rudest, or least diplomatic" way that others have expressed with us about getting a boy. While I don't really mind the question, it is the answer that I typically have a hard time formulating. Yes, boys are rarer in Chinese adoptions because of their economic value in society. And our guy, pretty much was available due to a physical deformity. While his parents were unlikely able to treat his cl/cp, frankly they also faced great discrimination for it as well. I tend to believe it is the discrimination that lead to his availability to us more than the lack of ability to treat.

Another mom, with two boys, wished to call them "medical needs" not "special needs" adoptions. This one is a nuance, but let me explain. In the adoption world there is "special needs" or the "normal" non-special needs. However, in the world of adoption, "special needs" does not mean intelligence/developmental/IQ disability like it does in American society. It means any "not normal" adoption. Special needs may include, missing fingers/toes, extra fingers/toes, heart issues, small size, cleft lip/palette, physical deformities, to a variety of diagnosable birth defects, any child over the age of 2 and yes, all the intimidating intelligence/developmental/IQ issues. Sometimes I joke that we got our little man on the "scratch & dent" sale, meaning, nothing really wrong, just needs a bit of love and care. However, my joke didn't fly with this group. Here, special needs was not our children. Frankly, I call our process a special needs adoption and am happy to explain it anytime. Too many are afraid of it.

Another hot button was maternal age, as in adoptive mom, not birth mom. I find a lot of adoptive moms are older. These are women who chose this path, some like me, just by choice, but some after other options (husband, fertility, life mate) have failed. So they join motherhood a bit late. Its a tough subject. Adopting at 50, you need to feel confident you'll be healthy at 70. However, even only at 41 I know I'm not as strong, active, energized as I was at 25. However, I am smarter!

Finally, my favorite hot button; God's path. I think all kids need a home. If the home is religious, I don't mind. But my poor husband; he really HATES organized religion. Don't get me wrong, he's spiritual, whether he knows it or not he tries to live by all the basic religious principles (mostly, be kind, love one another, bring no harm). But he gets stuck in silly traditions and arcane religious rules which the average believer ignores. I'm not Godless, I'm not religious, but I do believe in Karma and an all loving God. So while God didn't "call me to this child", I'm still an adoptive mom by choice, which means, who knows why I made the choice? Really, I wonder almost daily.

Finally, there was an odd element, my beautiful blond baby was the only blond sibling along. There were siblings, some from previous adoptions, but nothing stuck out like my big guy. He is highly social, loves to play with the bigger boys. But they didn't want to include him. Was he a year or two too young? Or did the older boys get the opportunity was to bond with "kids like themselves" and just dismiss DS1? I don't know. The reason I noticed, was that after trying to get in the game with the big boys, DS1 helped DS2 out on the playground where he was more in parallel play than interacting. He loves his brother, knew we were there for him and came along although he was lamenting going to a new "play group". But I know the big kids won't be able to leave him out for long. This last week when we were out and a woman gave me an odd look for telling him, "Grab your brother's hand and let's go". DS1 noticed the woman looked at us a little funny and he walked right up to her with his brother and said defiantly, clearly, and loudly, "He's my BROTHER, he's from China." Nothing snide, or mean, just the truth loud and clear. I still have so much to learn!

It was a good group of families. I can't wait for the next meeting. But as parents, sometimes I think we are all just too thin skinned. I've said it before, parenting sucks.

Easter - Going too far?

Ok, I like a holiday. I like the seasonal decorations. I like candy. I like a bribe to hold over the guys to get good behaviour. But, Easter? Is telling them the Easter Bunny is real cool?

My husband is going out of town, don't ask, but yes, another ski venture is beckoning him. So I thought maybe we should have the Easter Bunny visit a week early. I love this age! We wrote a note to the Bunny, taped it to the living room window (facing out), explaining that Daddy was heading out of town, so we'd like him to come early. Also asking the Easter Bunny to bring something not too small and not too big. And that his little brother should get a visit as well.

Remembering Santa, my ring leader in all things including "prizes", thought we should go a bit further and leave a snack for the Easter bunny. Well, Saturday night found me carrot-less, but it turns out Pringles will work. However, the Pringles needed to be placed in the hall leading to the elevator. When I went to pick them up after lights out, they were gone. I owe my neighbor around the corner with a dog an explanation (he's very cool. Although single, he seems to get all the "kid" stuff).

After story time, before lights out, the questions started, "Is there really an Easter Bunny? Is he big? Is he fat? Can he bend over? (apparently he's decided Chris Kringle is too fat to bend over) Where does he live?" ending with my personal favorite, "Does Santa and the Easter Bunny have play dates?"

But it is also the last question which makes me wonder if I'm taking things a bit too far. Well, next weekend, on Easter proper, we are having an Easter egg hunt with a group of families in our neighborhood. About 10 families will converge on our house, I'll send the daddies to the park across the street with the goodies and then the kids will attack. I'm not sure how I'm going to explain this activity? But I also think if he wants to believe he's likely to provide his own rational. As to DS2, if DS1 is along for the ride, he refuses to be left behind. Somehow, I don't really think DS2 is as much of a believe though, not yet.

"Mommy"

Photo comment - I see the mutual love in how they work together. IT is there; it is strong.

Tonight, a solid 30 minutes after lights out, our little man is still singing and talking. I went in and sang a quick version of "Wheels on the bus". I say quick as I only did as directed which is always first, "the wheels go round and round" followed by the "horn on the bus goes beep, beep, beep", then "the babies on the bus go wa, wa, wa", followed by a new surprise, "the drivers on the bus say move to the back, move to the back, move to the back". Always happy to have a new request!

As I finished with "the mommies on the bus say time to sleep, time to sleep, the time to sleep", I got the usual request for more, with word and sign. It makes me happy that he still uses both signs and sound when he is really insistent and really wants to be understood. But as I was walking out to the usual request of "mama" switched to "mommy, MOMMY!"

While I couldn't be happier and would love to keep him up all night to show him how happy I am to finally hear "mommy", but I bit my tongue and I told him time to go back to sleep. But YEAH! I'll try to encourage more mommy going forward; hey its only been a little over nine months! Frankly mama is fine, but mommy is great.

family age vs. chronological

One of the hot topics in adoption literature/theories is should you treat/expect from your child their "age" appropriate behaviours? The discussion usually centers on age; is it the chronological age of the child, or the family/emotional age of how long the child has been with you (i.e., for our little man he's 2 and 3/4 years old but only with us for nine months).

Another way of estimating some of this, is the general rule of thumb that for every three months a child spends in an orphanage that they are typically one month behind developmentally, but catch up by the time they hit double their age at adoption. In this case our little man who joined us at the age of two, was developmentally a 16 month old, that will catch up with peers by his fourth birthday.

There is no doubt my little man is behind. But he is not terribly behind, and he is catching up. When will he be "caught up", I don't know. Really it is the language that worries me the most. But there is an element of emotional growth that needs to occur too. I think there is merit to considering the disruption that adoption creates in a child's early life, particularly an international adoption where the sights, smells, sounds, everything changes.

I didn't come across the emotional/family age until DS2 had been with us about six months. Frankly, this theory helped me out. Of course he doesn't trust me as much as a normal almost 3 year old would, we don't have the history. Of course I don't trust him as much as I did DS1 at almost three, first we had greater history and second, DS1 could talk and tell me what was going on. But the concept explains why we still play baby trust games like peek-a-boo. And it explains why he loves playing these games. Our relationship is growing.

But the flip side to this is that we live in the real world. The place where all children are judge by the same standard. He is behind, and this is why we did the early intervention process. He is catching up, but did the malnutrition create any deficit in brain power (which I always wonder if this would matter given we only use something like 10% of our brains anyways). Will he always lack a bit of grace in his gate due to the early lack of balance because of the cleft related issues? Will he always feel behind, because he started with us late? And then there is the question of just how wide is the normal range?

My brother-in-law and family was over this last weekend. And they got me thinking about this. Their eldest was the most out of control toddler I had ever seen. He'd have these amazing temper tantrums that were loud, long and violent. He didn't speak until he was 4 years old, and didn't potty train until almost 5 years old. He's 15 now and the nicest, kindest, best behaved teenager I know. Has he caught up? Shouldn't he be a tough to handle age now? See you just never know.

When it comes to adoption, there are very strong opinions out there. But I find bits and pieces I like in generally most theories. Taking the theories hook, line and sinker is not my approach.
Kind of like the rule of thumb that you can double their height at age two to get an estimate of adulthood. Yeah, I think DS1 is bound for over 6 ft tall. But I think DS2 will break five feet!

Language Acquisition

I know it is a strange place, but I love living in NYC. There are days when I find the crowds in mid-town intimidating. There are times I go to a great restaurant and recognize everyone is in suits, or, its not a "neighborhood" joint, and you can only afford to eat there on the "company account". then there are days when I hit our local favorite like, Quest, where 70% of the crowd is from a 10 block radius.. There are days when I walk and extra mile, or 20 blocks, because I don't feel like battling the rush hour subway crowd with the stroller. But I LOVE Riverside park beside our house. I love the opportunities for our kids, emotionally, musically, generally overall.

But there are days when I wonder, how is living here going to affect the kids? I grew up in Boise, Idaho. Not exactly a "city" when I was growing up. I know how to "tip" a cow. I have both milked and branded a goat. And yes, I know how to shoot a rifle and a pistol - I'm a good shot - although I've never and intend to never own a gun. Let me divert for the $40 stuffed animal my husband bought me. Our second date, our first good date, we went to the San Gennaro festival, an annual Little Italy celebration where they close the streets and have carnival games, restaurant tables on the sidewalk, and raise money for the local churches. There was a shooting game, I played once and won a small stuffed bear. My date, the now lovely husband, wanted to show his manly skills and put down $5 to win me a larger bear. $40 later we continued walking!

Anyway, I grew up in a town where everything I attempted post high school was a new thought/experience. I didn't try Opera or pate until I was almost 30. I heard Spanish being spoken between my mother and grandmother (not typical Idaho), but I did not become fluent in the language. This is my biggest regret.But in my. and my parental defense, at school there was one uniform language. I did not hear any other languages out and about on the street.

I bring this up as both my boys, yes both of them, now have solid receptive language skills in Spanish. My big boy, DS1 has a fair vocabulary, but doesn't like to use it. I didn't realize how strong their receptive language skills were until I overheard them having dinner with a couple friends from down the street and the accompanying nanny. The friends are 4 and 2 years old and their mother is Asian. Both children look Asian, but I'm inclined to think Korean or Japanese. They know my little man is Chinese, but haven't volunteered any family history, which makes me think they are not Chinese. When their daytime sitter, or nanny, is over, she talks to the kids in Spanish. I had mistakenly assumed this was "baby" Spanish, that she was teaching them key words. However, whenever they are over, I talk to the sitter in my terrible Spanish. She is great, correcting my mistakes.

Last week my sitter mentioned there was a play date confusion because their sitter had not understood that my guys were out of school for Spring break. She went on to say that while she really enjoyed the other sitter, and the kids, the language was a difficulty. Apparently her English really is limited, and she ONLY talks to the kids in Spanish. While I totally don't mind, it makes me wonder, how confusing is all of this for my little Chinese man? At this point, 9 months here in this new life, he obviously knows there is two languages going on. He doesn't hear me speak Spanish too often. However, tonight I sang wheels on the bus in Spanish, he was right there with me!

I've also noticed that he has picked up a bunch of phrases from our toys with sound. He says "back up" like this gangster car we have. He says, "can we dig it" like the Scoop digger we have from Bob the Builder. He can make the sound of all the fire truck toys. Most amazingly we have a book where you press buttons to hear "hello" in 10 different languages, and yes, he can approximate the sound of "hello" in 10 different languages.

So I wonder, if he was growing up in Idaho, and only hear one language, would he be speaking already? Does the influence of multiple languages help or hurt in the long run? And these are the languages in our house, in our friends, our world. When he's at the bookstore, he hears German, French, and Hebrew regularly. With a few of my friends he hears Hindu. Is this good? Is this bad? I don't know. And if it is bad, how in the world would I change it?

The good news is that although my little Chinese man has rejected the speech therapist for the last week, but still loves the play therapist, I think in the last two weeks his language skills have accelerated. He is trying harder. He has had success of people understanding a few words, and here clearly wants more of this being understood. This is the motivation he needed to find.
English at home, Spanish with friends, everything in between on the street. Our sitter with a heart of gold and friends that speak Spanish.

Footnote: please don't read this thinking he is speaking tons in all languages, we are really still at one word sentences that I understand 80% of the time, but that a stranger would understand 10-15% of the time. But hey, this is progress and I will take joy in it!

DeJaVu

Photo: Another recent box creation that DH will be removing tonight. Only the boys could make it through the tunnel.

Sometimes I feel dejavu when seeing our little man revisit "stages" that our bigger boy has passed. The timing is off, sometimes he is well behind what I would expect for a almost three year old, but it makes sense given his family/orphanage history.

I forgot what it was like to try to cook, clean, walk, dance, etc with someone trying to stand on your feet or hold your knees together. DS2 has just learned to open the refrigerator door. So now exploration of "cold" has started including turning the fridge light on and off a thousand times until the buzzer to start sound. And yes, all glass items have moved to a hirer shelf in the fridge (a broken jar of relish looks pretty bizarre when mixed with mustard. It smells weird too. for about three days!)

Peek-a-boo is back in. It is more along the lines of "Where's my man?, Oh, THERE HE IS!!", to variations of "Where's the tissue? Oh, THERE IT IS!" and my personal favorite, "where is mommy's cell? Oh, THERE IT IS!, Now give it back." We are also starting to see the very beginning of hiding, like behind a door, box, wall, etc and jumping out and surprising me. Love that. Also along these lines, I think is the pretending to be asleep, and the great giggles as I wake him up.

Another favorite, is the I want to be like mommy routine. The sudden desire to try lip gloss, powder if I'm putting that on and the wearing of hear clips. This passed quickly with DS1 and I'm sure it will with DS2 as he has the older brother there to tell him "boys don't wear......" But I like seeing my boys in a necklace sporting lip gloss. Along these lines a funny thing happened a couple weeks ago at preschool. For two weeks, each day was assigned a color. Red, Blue, Green Yellow, Black, White, Brown, Orange, Pink and Rainbow. Each day I dressed DS1 in the appropriate color. But on Pink day, he had nothing. I tried to talk him into taking along one of my sweaters and just rolling up the sleeves, but no. Then my husband who takes him to school in the morning reported back that Pink day did not go as well as the others, none of the boys were wearing pink.

Last but least, I'm back to "The wheels on the bus" forty times a day. It is good as I think he likes it because he is finally able to say, or closely say, some of the words. He loves the horn goes "beep, beep, beep" but there is fondness for the babies go "wa, wa, wa" and the windows, "up and down" and the doors "open and close". However on this one, the older boy is clearly passed this stage so sometimes he suggests new actions, such as "the bears on the bus go Ra, Ra, Ra" or the "the wings on the bus take it high, high, high". Yeah, not sure where the imagination comes from, but I love to run with it.

Generally, it is heart warming to see the "repeats", to see the path again. It means he is on it, he is moving forward, he is taking strides everyday. I don't see the daily strides, I'm too close. I worry so much about his lack of language. But I see these steps toward growth, the path I'm more familiar with and I get a bit calmer, I know more growth is coming. He's on his path!

From my heart

In the last few weeks I've gotten a few emails regarding this blog. I write because it is cathartic for me. It releases my demons. I find once I've written a thought out, and let it loose, it no longer bounces around in my brain.

I'm so thankful to hear from you that I'm not the only one thinking about these things; life, kids, aging, love, etc. I really appreciate your comments, and I appreciate your perspective. Going boldly, where I probably shouldn't, but here is a small sample of what you've said, in anonymous terms, and why I'm so glad you wrote!

"....I have to say I was reading some back posts, one in August or September had me laughing because I could have written it. Thank you for being so honest and saying what most people only wish they could say (especially for those of us too afraid of offending family members by speaking bluntly about them)...... it is so nice to see people lay it out for real so we know we aren't the only ones that struggle; Yes, I'm the type of mom that gets really excited when I see a mom ready to pull her hair out because her kids are driving her nuts at the zoo- makes me feel so normal!"

First, I wasn't sure I was normal when I started writing, so thank you for letting me in on the secret that I am! Second, I have on many occasions written late in the evening, or with slightly elevated blood alcohol levels and then thought, "hmm, lets see if my mom calls tomorrow to talk about that one?" And thankfully, my husband read the blog once and then quit. But he thinks it is all "girl talk". To which I say, "SO NOT!"

"I read your blog about the ebb and flow - and can really relate both to that, and also the relief/risk of sharing all those feelings."

That's what I'm talking about. Your share your thoughts with some people and they look at you like you are the worst mother on the planet; you share with others and the get it, they've been there too! I promise to listen better to everyone! And I'm so grateful to those that understand!

"I wish our child would have had the benefit of foster care. She never left the orphanage. I guess without any kind of medical intervention until we adopted her, foster care wasn't an option."

It is so helpful to have another perspective. Sometimes we go through the same events, but from different sides. Sometimes we go through different events but all sharing a common love for what's best for the kids. And sometimes I get so stuck in my rut, that I need to be reminded of alternative realities. Our kids have us now, I just can't believe how awesome that is!

"Just had to drop you a note to say I'm so glad I found your blog. I love your honesty. I have two kids from China (daughter 4, son 2.5) and can relate to a lot of what you write."

I think at times adoptive parents are afraid to talk adoption talk with non-adoptive parents. I think at times non-adoptive parents are afraid to ask adoption questions to adoptive parents. Straddling both worlds, I talk about it all with everyone and find we all just love our kids and there is commonality it that.

"Your mother sent me your thoughts on.... Your boys are beautiful and regards to your husband."
Mom, I love you, but I really hope you are editing what you copy and paste! Otherwise the rest of the family may think you raised a real wacko!

And last, but not least, a message that took my breath away:

"Yes, I know how you feel. I remember many times in my children's teen age years
how much I wonder if I loved them, or was I willing to let them go with no regrets.
I remember when they finally moved out and how I felt about it. In both cases love
was just behind my frustrations. I didn't feel this way again until I had
grandchildren, two adopted and four biological, and I started to wonder the same;
Can I have love for all of them, can I love the adopted as much as the others. But they
do things, different things that make you think different.  It amaze me how
my heart have such a deep love for each grandchildren and all the loves are different."
 
First, this is awesome because I'm not sure I'm confident enough
to broach the "love question" with grandparents. It is great to
know, the love comes.  And I'm not sure if  they even remember
how tough raising kids can be at times (or is it like child birth, a
pain that is soon forgotten?).  I also like knowing that this
experience, raising kids, is mine to carry and cherish for a long
time to come.  Finally, I'm not too excited to hear that teenage
years make you question the choice again!

Thank you all for let me vent.  Thank you for your support. 
Good Karma is being sent out to everyone!