Mommie Confessions

Let's see, today is Thursday, so in the last four days, four separate mommies have shared with me that they are:
-yelling at their kids,
-frustrated with the lack of consistency in their children's behavior, and
-although they love there husbands, there are days....

So I've decided there is either something in the NYC water, or I need new friends. Bad joke. The reality is I'm mommie number five and its still only thursday!

I partially think its the age. I read once that there are as many hormones being released in their little bodies at 3 and 4 years old, to spur growth, as when they are teenagers. I doubted this when I read it, and I still doubt it, but I kind of see that there is something interesting going on at the moment with DS1. Let me hit these separately, and please feel free to add you comments:

Yelling at the kids - Yeah, I feel like shit about it, but it happens. Not often, but when I blow, I am loud. I struggle with whether it is totally inappropriate, or good for them to know there is a limit if pushed leads to a crazy mommie? It's usually over little stuff, like, "go get your shoes, go get your shoes, yes, I know you want to go outside, so go get your shoes, I'm sorry I don't understand you when you are whining, yes, I know you want outside, go get your shoes, IF YOU WHINE ONE MORE TIME YOU ARE GOING TO SPEND THE REST OF THE AFTERNOON IN YOU ROOM, GO GET YOUR SHOES!' Sometimes it at DS2 but then its much more along the lines of, "no biting, no biting, DAMN IT, I SAID NO BITING, THAT REALLY HURT!" Yes, I haven't mentioned in the last week he has started biting, only biting me so far, giving me very special status. Well, on yelling, not appropriate, but it happens. I do not spank at all though. I find when I'm ready to spank I'm also really mad, so I move to a quick shout out of emotion than spanking. Do I feel guilty for yelling, yes. It makes me feel like a bad mommie.

Lack of consistency in kids behavior - this is an interesting one, because it seems to make me question my parenting skills the most. For example, DS2 enters the kitchen whining, I say, "I'm sorry I don't understand whining, say it like a big boy". He then looks right at me and in a totally clear voice says, "Mom, can I have a juice please." Ok, awesome that he knows some manners, but where were they the first time around? How many times must I say, "talk like a big boy?" Am I not delivering the message right? or is he just wanting to hear it over and over again? The other instance is participation. We went to a trial karate class. He LOVED it! broke a board with his fist and everything. Then two days latter, he sits beside me and refuses to participate in the class. I don't know what is up. Is it too many new things at once? Is he really not into karate? Did someone tell him its not cool between tuesday and thursday? it drives me mad, the inconsistency on the participation. I have no advice here, I'm just venting on this one. I figure we'll try class again in October once we are all more settled.

Although I love my husband, there are days/moments when..... a complete sentence will pop into your mind for you with out me. But suggestions from my friends although I could own any have included; I fantasize of telling them all I'm just running out to post a letter, find a million dollars and strike out on my own, find it easier on my own, to my personal favorite, I just want to be alone. I've been thinking on this one a lot. Frankly, marriage is a relationship that need work like all others, but at the time of child crunches it moves down the priority list. As a new mom, I just have a lot to process (understand and learn) about the new dynamics in the family. Its not just a new child, its the new child's influence on all our interrelated relationships as well as his relationship with each of us. Well, guess what, the kids need me, so they get the focus now, which means DH slips whether its deserved or not. That sucks for both DH and I. Until I gain 25 hours in my day, or DS1 and DS2 get on track with the new routine, it is what it is. Like I said, it sucks for DH and I, but if you have suggestions add them in.

I also think I'm nervous about DS1 starting preschool next week, but I'll write about that tomorrow.

Looking for gray hair

So I found myself looking in the mirror, actually searching for gray hair. Yes, I turned 40 this year, the photo is from the day earlier this year.

But on being 40... I'm not really sure I planned on having anything accomplished by the time I turned 40. I thought I would be a mom with a couple kids. I didn't plan on having a demanding career, but I thought I would pursue what interested me, which means I was naive to think I'd end up in a career that wasn't demanding. Now that I'm balancing work with kids, I totally feel like neither the job or kids get the time they need. enough mommie angst, on turning 40... I did expect to have gray hair, I'm sure my mom had gray hair by 40, that I'm shocked that after maybe 20 years of dying my hair -every shade of red, blue, orange, black and even peroxide blonde, that I now find myself feeling old, and no gray. I feel cheated.

Prior to the adoption, I would have said I don't feel old, I feel young for the first time in my life. OF course, I don't have gray. But right now, at this moment, I feel old. I'm not in synch with a set schedule, my meals are off, and I'm not regularly exercising. sleep is irregular. My knees ache when I get up from the floor. I need more light to read and my patience is thinner than it used to be. I want to say I'm "young at heart" but right now I feel too old to have two toddlers.

So what's up, the change; DS1 has decided he doesn't want to participate in anything and is sulky. That is anything other than a water activity. Its like suddenly I have a teenager. This is all starting right before preschool, which makes me wonder what type of explosion am I in for as he does start school. Will he decide two days into that he doesn't want to go anymore?

DS2 has decided he doesn't want to go to sleep by himself. It doesn't matter how long I hold him, rock him, sing, he wants to be held, only by me and only in an upright position. So when I lay him down he screams. I have to let him cry himself to sleep. This now means 15-20 minutes of crying out before calpasing in sleep. My concern, what am I doing to the "attachment" ? Am I destroying in the couple weeks before I leave for work?

DH, well, he's DH he has time to exercise and see friends. He means well and maybe I'm too tired, frustrated, confused at the moment to appreciate what he brings to the table. Also he's the fun guy with the kids, and I hate that he gets that role.

So yes, I'm feeling 40. I realize I need to control my weight and start exercising, and most importantly find a way to have fun, otherwise 41 might start feeling like 50! I need to laugh a lot more! I won't mind looking 50 if it comes with laugh lines and not worry wrinkles. My conclusion, I totally need to find ways to laugh more, the general life angst is too much at the moment. Yet, it is my fault, I wanted to expand the family.

Easily Affended

Being a mom is torturous. The kids talk back, cry, scream, don't listen, etc., which is insulting as a person and as a mom. But the kiddos are too small to have any idea they are insulting the listener/subject of the triad. Husband wants to participate, in his way, which, of course, is different then your way. Could it be better? Friends all have their own style none of which fits you. That always makes me examine my own behavior and question what in the world is my style? Its easy to be offended by strangers on the street who offer "looks" and under the breath comments.

Beyond these influences, the mired of cliques is also stunning; stay at home moms, working moms, moms with help those with part time help, those with no help, the sitters, the nannies, moms with with one child, with two, with more, those with biological, those with adopted, those with mixed bio and adopted, those who spare no expense, those who are comfortable, those on a budget, those squeaking by, those with pedicures in red, blue and pink, those with highlights and those with a scrunchy. Yes, its easy to be offended by those that you don't click with that just are unfriendly at the playground, school, doctors office, building, office, grocery store, and everywhere else I meet fellow moms.

So, I've started a campaign to inform people when they surprise me in a pleasant way. Oddly, I've been applying it mostly to strangers, even though there are some beautiful people in my life. But there is some level of personal satisfaction in watching people reaction move from hostile, shock to pride. For example, this young boy of about 8 years old, took DS1 under his wing in a water fight and helped him figure out who was the bad guy and who wasn't, as well as refilling his water gun. After about an hour of play it was time to go, so I went over to the mom and told them that her son did an awesome job taking my 3 year old under-wing. She was shocked but then proud. A similar thing happened with a 9 year old, who explained to DS1 how play tag in a crowded playground. Again, parents were willing to disown the child when I approached but ended by giving him high fives.

On a totally different front, I went to a pizza joint and got a surprisingly different, but awesome tasting, chicken, bacon, cheese, tomato slice. I told the manager on my way out, and received was a sincere smile.

I've tried a thousand ways to make the world a better place, but on a personal front, making a stranger smile, maybe inject a bit of positive in their day, makes me feel good. Feel free to join my campaign.

Emotional tonight

It is interesting that today I have been in a state of thanks and appreciation after quite some time of just getting through. I wasn't even going to write today, but as I was putting the boys down for the night I felt compelled.

What brought this on, you may ask. I have no idea. First, yesterday my parents arrived in town which usually makes me a bit more introspective than normal. Second, I went to a kiddy class with a girlfriend and her son and my girlfriend was emotionally spent, to a level I totally identified with, which made me feel great compassion, not only for her, but for both of us. Then last night we had a party with a bunch of friends, and I forget how many people I have available to call in an emergency (the photos from the boat. The danger in posting these is that some friends weren't invited and will now be pissed. Let me just say, I am so tired and wired, that in the end I wasn't sure who I invited, who I didn't, or even who was coming). Finally tonight, DS1 insisted it was time for DS2 to start sleeping in his room; not in the crib outside my room. That is love. So yes, they are both in there now!

So, tonight's post is to the people I love, respect, appreciate, use, underutilized and that have butted their way into my life either by invitation or not, Thank you! All of you! Even those that hate me and make me better by reminding me how much I suck.

-I love my friends for listening to my rants and offering parenting advice I need.
-I love the strangers on the street for the parenting advice I would never use.
-I love my family, frankly, because they put up with me and have given up on changing me.
-I love the woman who cleans the house once a week, cause I do like a clean toilet and sit my it nightly at bath time.
-I love the sitter who takes the boys during the day, you are my sanity as you enjoy the kids stuff and playing peek-a-boo for 3 hours when 3-5 peeks is enough for me. Both I and the kids are better people for having you in our life.
-I love the doorman of our building that teach my kids complicated hand shakes and how to hose the city grit off the side walk, and most importantly occasionally tell me I look good.
-I love the laundry man that always knows my name and asks about the boys, even if they are not with me.
-I love the masseuse at the nail salon, who I know are there to help even if I don't have the time.
-I love the neurotic moms who make me want to be a better mom.
-I love the pathetically bad moms who make me feel better about my own parenting skills.
-I love my husband's friends who get him out of the house without me, even if I get jealous.
-I love my husband's friends because they were there for me when I had no friends of my own.
-I love the parents' of ds's friends, also they are receptive to my neurosis and invite out of the house!
-I love my job for teaching me I'm a peg in a wheel.
-I love the boys for thinking I've got magical powers - well, I told them I do and they still don't know I fib on occasion.
-I love NYC for the people, parks, take out, restaurants, and craziness it provides.
-I love the bus drivers that continue to co-conspire with ds1 and let him think we are riding the super hero bus.
-I love preschool for teaching my kid something - life.
-And yes, I love my husband and for this one I need not offer a reason, I just do.

I don't do it alone. I really do nothing alone. This humbles me daily.

To Siblings

It is interesting to watch siblings interact. There is some interaction already, and I'm sure there is much more to come. DS1 knows DS2 was adopted and he was not, but he doesn't know what it means to be adopted, or not, which to me makes it feel like they are more brothers to each other than anyone gets. How was that for a run on sentence. They are both young, so I'm looking forward to having a front row seat to watching the relationship grow.

DS1 loves DS2. DS2 loves DS1. There is jealousy both ways, but there is also compassion. For example, I often find DS1 reaching out to DS2 when I am not looking, touching, making faces, tickling. I even saw DS1 push DS2 away from the edge of the couch to the middle, and while ds2 gave him a dirty look, he didn't cry. When ds1 falls/trips and needs to be hugged until the scare is over, ds2 totally allows this and doesn't make his usual jealous cries. DS1 is intrigued to feed DS2 on occasion, but also fearful of the possibility of a flying food item. DS2 doesn't want to share his food, but is cool with DS1 eating anything he has deemed not to his liking. While sorting clothes, DS1 has told me which ones are too small and should go to DS2. Additionally, DS1 likes to point out when DS2's pants are falling off; which happens as the kid is wearing 6 month bottoms and 2T tops! DS1 tells daddy when he is doing something with DS2 different than the way mommie does it; and even told on dh when DS2 touched his poop in midst diaper change with DH. Also if DS2 throws something more than 2 times, DS1 picks it up and tells me not to give it to him again; I love that he is showing we all need discipline!

I see the modeling, DS1 trying to teach DS2 many things. Also DS2 loves watching and following DS1 as he does anything. Then there is the modeling of DS1 now with a stuffed animal, or imaginary pet, with him most of the time, that needs him to take care of it. The boys are only 18 months apart, so I think their ability to reach similar interest at the same time will grow as DS2 learns English and catches up developmentally.

I watch and wonder what my interaction with my brother was in childhood, if any? My brother and I are four years apart. He was the first born son in a Puerto Rican household, so I think there was performance pressure on him. With the age difference and the sex difference, given he's a boy and I'm a girl, I just don't think we ever played together as much as my boys will. DH has two younger brothers that were twins. Again oldest sibling issues, performance pressure and then the twins had each other. I know from the stories they tell and the time we spend with one of them, that they were and are still closer than me and my brother. However, in the last few years, my brother has re-entered my life. Previously he just wasn't there - nothing went wrong, we were just in different places; he's married with four kids, so yes, busy. We've had different interest and lived 3,000 miles apart. But in the last couple years we have become geographically closer, and then my parents just moved closer to both of us, so I'm a little excited that as I watch my boys enjoy their sibling nature, that I too now have a bit more opportunity of interaction with my own brother. He's actually an interesting/fun guy when I connect with him.

Well, you never know where writing will lead you!

To not knowing the date

I'm pretty sure I know what time it is, well generally there is light or there is not. If its getting dark, put the kids to bed. If my eyes are open and its light, there is something we should be doing!

Today's photos is actually still from Block Island, but I thought it was appropriate for the random thoughts I have to share today. It was shot by me, holding the camera on my shoulder pointing down at ds2 as he looks out at the world from the safety of my snuggle sack. I think he looks pensive, alert and slightly terrified; which I view all as positive, frankly he's engaged and curious.

So to random thoughts -

"have to share" - could be interpreted as thoughts I want to share with you today. However, the reality is these are thoughts I "have" to get out of my head and on paper so I no longer have to think about them. The blog has become amazingly therapeutic to me. I always have teased my husband that I need a wife, but it turns out I just needed to take up writing and the occasional supportive comments of friends or at a minimum fellow survivors.

Mommie time vs. me time vs. husband time - all three have become precious commodities. There is love, which grows, but with time, it is constant; there is no way to create more of it. Mommie time includes having breakfast with ds2, a new routine after I give ds1 to sitter. Dh kind of wanted to join us today, and frankly I discouraged him, I like this short window with ds2 I actually view it as me time more than mommie time; I have tea and toast, he has scrambled eggs, sausage and a banana along with an occasional french fries (yes I am trying to fatten him up!!). Then therapeutic mommie time as I take ds2 to some stimulating environment where I can also commiserate with fellow souls in the trenches. Yesterday, the Barnes & Noble children's section where I met two very nice Japanese women who asked if he was Japanese then left me alone, and a group of Irish nannies that I quiet enjoyed hanging with. Today we were at the Children's museum on 83rd street. I figured they have a baby play area where I was going to teach him how to crawl. Well, people thought I was crazy and I only got stuck in one tunnel, but we had fun. Also we ran into three Chinese grandmas taking care of grandchildren who were very friendly with me. Their charges played with me and mine with theirs. They all spoke Mandarin. DS2 clearly understood what they were saying; clapped to their song, and giggled. But wanted to stay with me, not them (HA!!). For lunch mommie of two time, with both boys and the sitter. Yesterday we ate by the Hudson River, gorgeous, but had to fight off pigeons that kept going for the chips we dropped. Yes, I know its a catch 22, you drop chips and the pigeons come, but the kids couldn't help themselves. Today to Ollie's, chinese restaurant. I think the sitter is getting a kick out of eating out and more importantly having an adult to talk to. Then me time in the afternoons. Yesterday this included unpacking and writing. Today it includes laundry and writing, but I will get some real "work" work done today as well. Then family time, with dinner, dh, baths and bed. Honestly, today is only day two of the routine, but I like it. Limited "me time", daddy only gets worn out mommie at the end of the day, and kids dominate. However, this is temporary, I think I can enjoy it for a couple weeks, but I'm a working soul and just a slight bit anxious to get back to work in a couple weeks.

Hating/Loving everyone who DS2 smiles at - Its an amazingly insecure phenomena, but when you still don't 100% feel like the child is yours, whenever anyone gets a smile from your child, I worry that maybe he loves them more than me (I'm generalizing that everyone feels the same way I do, which may not be true, maybe I'm more insecure than most, but I'm going to venture a guess not). Maybe he is wondering why he didn't get them instead of me. However, I'm secure that he's figured out I'm mommie and has chosen to throw his lot in with ours. I also think the sitter will be very good for him. Just like ds1, with ds2, when I'm around, they want to be with me and doing things with me. But they need to learn independence and confidence by doing things without me there. They both need the sitter time! And I think ds2 loves ds1 even if he gets jealous.

Ok, All for now. I feel purged.

Happy Birthday - the joy of two

Last week was ds2's Birthday. We celebrated with cake, candles, song and love. He enjoyed the cake, candles, song, friends and family, but wasn't sure about the whole blowing the candles out. Luckily there was help on hand. Yes, the last photo, of the four of us, is staged. I admit it, after ds1's first birthday without any photos of me, I have learned to stage a photo and hand the camera to anyone who can point, so that I too can be included in the memory books!

So, ode to two. Being two is interesting. Dr. Spock, which is my favorite child development reading, notes that two is an age of trepidation - striving for independence, but needing more loving support than ever. A time when the body again begins to grow and language can explode. I look at ds2 and wonder what the year holds. I hope and pray the body grows and language explodes. I already feel the quest for independence, but the desire to belong is still very immense. I know from ds1 that temper tantrums are about to become fashionable. But there is so much I still don't know. Why is he afraid of birds? Why will he not leave a room unless I tell him its ok? What in the world is he crying for now?

Also the number two makes me think of duality; and I think I, if not my family, are in the thick of living dualities. Oh, how I love you all and hate you all at the same time! How can one pull your heart strings but still be a complete pain in the ass? How can we find room to have fun in the quagmire of our despise. Sounds bad, yep even to me as I write it, but its honest. Every day since ds2 has come into our lives I have wondered, why did I ever wanted children? Why did I ever marry? Is it too late to run away and run a breakfast/coffee shop in Australia? But everyday I also see why I've been married 10 years, and have moments of joy with the kids and even see glimpses of fun we'll have down the road when they are both more physically and emotionally ready to gallop around the world (not that I haven't forced us all into that already!).

On Two - or the second child. I've thought a lot on this the last week, I think all the difficulties we are having as a family are really the realities of adding a second child, either adopted or biologically, to an established trio. It may be heightened by having added an already mobile toddler who doesn't speak the same language, but its really not adoption issues, just new child issues. When the first child was born, we had a bit more help on hand. I was on maternity leave at a firm I trusted. DH took time off work. We had a baby nurse the first two weeks during the day so I could sleep, and then our daily sitter started at about 6 weeks. This time around, I should have planned better. I am off work for three more weeks, but I'm not confident that my job won't screw me (this is a biggie as my paycheck is our bread and butter), which means I do need to manage my team from afar and plug into office stuff daily. DH is working mostly. No baby nurse, but I do have the sitter for ds1 who is now starting to help with ds2. I may have waited a bit too long to enlist her help, but I wanted to make sure ds2 knew who was mommie before allowing help. I am so the "mommie" now, I do wish I got her involved sooner. But beyond help, when a new soul joins the family, everyone has to alter their table manners (cooking plans) to include the new taste and eating tempo. Toys have to be evaluated for safety and share-ability. I don't need to mention sleeping, but sleeping schedules go array, and even sleep locations get messy for a while (last night I had each of our sons in our bed alternately, until they all settled into thier own beds well after 2 am). Guess what, even the smells change; welcome back poopie diapers in the house and the addition of an altered diet.

I know from some friends who have been reading the blog (and I hope there are still a few readers after a week off) that I sound whinny and pathetic. I know at times my husband thinks I can't handle it. But I wanted to be honest, that all is not simple, clean and easy. However, I do want you all to know, that even though this whole adjustment window totally sucks, I think it would have happended no matter how we chose to expand our family, it is not soully adoption issues. Also, I still hope and believe, although it has yet to be proven that this adjustment period is a window, to which we will at some point see and end and feel stronger, more in synch with each other. It hasn't killed me, yet. I haven't killed anyone yet, although dh should be worried that he is the highest on the list. So.....we all must be getting stronger.

Completion of Block Island - photos

While a week away was stressful at this juncture, it was also fantastic. I guess in the thing I am learning most is that joy and misery come hand in hand. The mood swings of all of us are wild, but there is laughter in the midst of the tears. The food was good, the sun was excellent, we all got great color and vitamin D. I think we all enjoyed the water immensely, and even ds2 surrendered his fears of the surf by the end of the week; although not his fear of birds. Some friends joined us for the second half of the week, so you'll see a few extra faces in the photos this go around. It is great to have friends, even when we treat them to this wonderfully unstable side of our selves.

Photos: more beach, the boys playing woith glow sticks at night, lobster dinner, and the demise of the lobster, family and friends = love.

a few photos from Block Island

I thought you might enjoy the progressive photos from happy to crying with ds2, it happens in a split second. Both boys enjoy the beach, but it is amazing how much crap we have to carry to and from, as well as the sand generation in the house. Hey, this is fun.

Not a venue to write, so more on adjustment and parenting later. Just photos now.

Hello from Block Island, Rhode Island

Well as if the family hasn't been through enough lately, yesterday we drove up to Block Island. With heavy traffic getting out of NYC and one food stop, we made it to the ferry in 4 hours - much better than we expected! The ferry over is about one hour. We have rented a house for a week.

While this sounds romantic and nice, frankly given all the travel lately its a bit stressful. I feel bad for DS2 as we just keep throwing new stuff at him at every turn. I feel bad for ds1 as he gets so upset when ds1 cries, although DS2 ia doing very well. DH thinks I'm having a break down because I'm exhausted from it all. But this is life.

Survival means letting the house be messy, the kids running a round with dirty faces and I get most of the unfun tasks. I'm hoping to find more fun as I realize I have had much to laugh about lately. Enough whining, I know its all adjustment and will stabilize in a couple months. However its just Like child birth, the first adjustment window kind of sucks.

8/7/08 - good peds visit

The last couple days have been an emotional roller coaster. Today I got my period. Thank god, the drama can stop. I didn't realize I was due, but it totally makes sense. Enough about me.

Ds2 was a trooper at the doctor's office today. Happy and playful for the first hour. The second hour was the physical examination, including blood draw and shots. Well, he's officially 22lbs. Doc would prefer a couple pounds, but to bring it on by food, not junk and not formula. He's not officially anemic, but at the very low end of the "acceptable" range, so we are starting a supplement, but no shot. His white blood cell count is slightly up, which means he is mounting a slight immune response. This makes total sense to me giving he is eating things he's never had, breathing different air, and sleep patterns are off. I just hope my immune system is doing the same! Doctor is cool with stopping formula and going to whole fat milk. This is a step I skipped with ds1 who gave up milk at the age of one; he prefers yogurt, cheese, butter, sour cream, and ice cream. His head is flat, flat, flat in the back, but too fused to do anything about it. That is ok, I like his head.

The blood draws were for a variety of stuff; titers to see if the vaccines he was given took, basic neonatal test required by NY state like HIV, Hep B & C, skin test for tuberculosis, because of the low iron, a Asian specific iron test for kids that might have allergies to fave beans (ok, I'm not making this one up, but it is something close to that, imagine having to avoid fave beans for the rest of your life, yep, not a biggie), and now I'm waiting to collect a stool sample for parasites that goes off to a very special tropical disease lab. All this stuff will take weeks to come back.

But there were tears, followed by screams and sweating bullets during the tears and screams. But hey, that was just me. No really, felt bad for him, but he was fine within minutes following the ceasing of poking. He's a bit pissed with me, but by bath time it seems that I had been forgiven.

On the cleft - report from peds says looks great and can't believe how much he is babbling. Told me to start getting speech therapy involved now although agreed that the first surgery isn't likely to be until around the age of four. Also get to dentist, due to the increased nutrition in the last two weeks, new teeth are poking through - yes, you guessed it those lovely two year molars that support the drool production!

Things I didn't know - many Asians have a dry powdery ear wax versus our Caucasian gooey yellow stuff. Almost all babies from Asian countries and Guatemala have big birthmarks on their butts, called Mongolian Spots. While these are purple and very noticeable, they typically disappear before puberty. DS2 only pees when I take his diaper off at home, not at the doctors office.

I'm exhausted, long day, but things I'll hit on in coming days:
mommie vs. me time competes with daddy time as well
hating/loving anyone your child smiles at

What I'm remembering...

These are little things that DS2 are reminding me, that I've forgotten since experiencing with DS1, or just glad to revisit; even though they are only 18 months apart in age:
- poop, when the proper amount is supplied, can shoot up the back of a diaper onto a shirt and body
- raisins may exit the body in tact
- corn almost always exits the body in tact
- when the equipment is uncovered, pee can appear at anytime, in any direction, with surprising distance
- lying on the floor doing nothing but stupid sounds and tickles for an hour is actually possible
- nap time is a beautiful thing
- lunch time can be amazingly messy and follows surprising close to breakfast
- birds beg to be feed part of your food/snack
- if you know how to remove it, shoes/clothing become optional
- drool left unattended on the chin manages to travel across the room to where ever mommie is sitting
- cleaning runny noses is easier if the child knows how to blow their nose on command
- getting wet at the playground in August can't be avoided
- farts are always funny

Photos: today's credit goes to DH

8/4/08 - Asian Influence

On photos, how can a kid be so cute and exhausting? Guess I learned that with DS1 too!

Today is Monday! A great thing, we are all sleeping better and the weekend is over and real life starts to assemble. While I'm not at work yet, just kind of plugged in, the reality of Monday is great. The sitter was with DS1 all day, but we did play together in the morning and have lunch together, DS2 was with me and DH had to work. Additionally we live a social life and DH has a friend in town, staying in his office, that we met for lunch and dinner. DS2 showed me an extremely social side today as he gave high fives to everyone we met, although to stay in a comfort zone he was physically on me all the time he was awake.

On Asian influences - When we were in China, I was sensitive that I didn't want the Chinese to think I was not properly taking care of DS2. However, I didn't realize how much Chinese influences there are in my daily life at home.

First, I was meeting DH and his long time college buddy at an out door cafe for lunch - it is so gorgeous today! Blue skies, light breeze! Well, I was walking around with DS2 in my arms looking for them when the hostess asked if she could help me. I said I was joining my husband. She pointed to a totally attractive maybe 30 year old Chinese guy at the bar and asked if that was him! My first thought was, I'm entirely too old to be married to a guy that young and hip looking, kid, then....it hit me he was Asian! We'll maybe DS2 is taking a few years off me!!

Then when DS2 fell asleep for a nap around 2 pm, I ran to my usual spot when DS1 fall asleep on the weekend, the nail salon. I knew that the people that worked there were Chinese, but it was the first time I've ever felt slightly embarrassed about knowing they were all Chinese. I tried to play it cool, but my masseuse (a man) went gaga for DS2 and need to know what Provence and all that jazz. During my message, there was a lot of Chinese being spoken, which seem directed in my direction and though my eyes were mostly shut, I could feel the movement of people as they walked over, peeked in the stroller, and discussed the situation. On my way out another male masseur, not the guy I normally use, told me my son was lucky to have a new life. It was sincere and nice. I smiled and said I was lucky to have him as well.

For dinner we met at a half Chinese, half Latino restaurant, which is bizarre and a combination I only ever see in NYC. The waiters are all older Chinese men. They were interested, looking lots but said nothing. But, at this point in the day I was to tired to bother explaining. And DH was so interested in talking with his friend I was focused on getting the kids feed and keeping them well behaved in the restaurant (my main restaurant concerns are DS1 is really loud when he wants attention and DS2 is still throwing, but getting stronger which means throwing further!)

Asia is really all around us. Nothing special planned tomorrow, but Thursday we have an appointment, DS2 and I with the international pediatrician.

8/3/08 - Emotional Bankrupcy

I've needed to write about this, but not been ready to until now. After days of taking care of a child you barely know who is clinging, whimpering and occasional all out crying, yet loving and fun, emotional bankruptcy rushes in when you least expect it. This is the point where you continue to take care of your family, but you are now on autopilot, not enjoying any task or the moment. It sucks. I can write about it now because I know it is a transient feeling. I couldn't write about it before, because I wasn't sure if it was transient and thought I might have made the biggest mistake of my life. But after a good night's sleep, some familiar food and the comfort of clean clothes from home, I know I can make it. However, others may want to comment on this for those who are about to adopt.

When you first get the child, it is exciting. Compassion and love pour from your soul. Then as you wear down, you start to wonder is it compassion or love that you are feeling? Then the trials of taking care of a new child who's personality you know nothing about starts to kicks in. This is work, it is not all fun. The realities of being away from home comforts, foods, sleep, and commanding your own schedule complicates it all. If any illness, or worries arise, just mix and stir all together. This now simmers while you take on the task of a child who may chose to start showing his own emotions about all the events, in his own way. Now add in dh and anyone else along for the ride. Then wham, you feel like you feel nothing for all the people you have previously cared most about. Its ugly. Its depression apathy at its best.

Dh and I communicate by percentages, he'll look at me and I'll say I'm at zero. This means there is no love to give, and he'll take over. Other times its 10%, sometimes I just say I'm fine. But the reality is I'm better at handling the "freak outs" of the crying, hitting, emotional throw ups, so I do. To do this its natural, to a certain extent, to have to shut down your emotions a bit to live through these moments. The trick is finding out how to get the emotions back up and running when the bad moment is over. This is a trick that I am still trying to figure out. Unfortunately it still takes a night's sleep and a hot shower for me to come back to being me.

In addition to feeling exhausted emotionally, then you start to feel guilty for not being a better parent to a kid who really needs one. This is downward spiral that is probably the hardest for me to deal with. Anyway, as I said, I can only write about it now because I think its a transient thing.

Logistics - the boys fell asleep on the couch about 2 pm yesterday (see photo), we woke them at 7 pm, kept them up till midnight, and you won't believe this but ds1 was up at 6:30am, and ds2 is still asleep at 7:30 am. Hopefully, this means we'll be switching back to NYC time by the end of the week. While I always look forward to vacation and family time, we have a house booked for Block Island next week. I'm not excited about uprooting the group again, but the adoption took so much longer than expected, the vacation is just falling at an inopportune time. Just another one of the worries that joins the spiral.

8/2/08 - We are home!

Hello, sorry for taking so long to post. The last couple days we just got swamped with stuff.

Photos: first and in the middle, night in Guangzhou, but only on the tiny island we were staying on, then the boys a we wait out a thunder burst, and the rain itself, more night in Guangzhou, and finally the famed "red couch photos". This is another White Swan tradition, all the family groups traveling together get together at one point to take photos in the lobby on one of several red couches. First, all teh babies and siblings in our group, then my family, finally, the mommie and babies, which I love.












Logistics - Always double check your flight reservations! On Thursday morning we received notice that our flight from Guangzhou to Beijing had been cancelled. The airlines had automatically rebooked all of us to the 11 am flight from the 9 am flight we were on. Our adoption agency guide didn't believe the 11 am should give us enough time to make our connection and wanted us to move to the 8 am flight. However, when we called, after about 45 minutes of negotiating they could move three of us, but not ds2. I had to go visit the China South office in downtown GZ, by the train station.

At 2:45 pm thursday we joined the other families at the White Swan who were going to the US consulate to swear for their children's visas, about 8-10 families. Once there, there were another 20-25 families also swearing. At 4 pm was the "swear". They checked our identification, gave us an envelope to not be opened, but handed in at border entry, and we gave an oath that all our information in our adoption package was correct. In the opening remarks they told us a bit about the group. There were 12 families adopting their 2nd child, 10 adopting their third, 4 adopting their fourth, two adopting their fifth and one family adopting their sixth child from China! Amazing. We were all from the US and just that day. We know others who would be swearing the next day, so its impressive volume! Additionally, other countries are adopting, like the group we met from Australia. I find the numbers mind boggling. By 4:30pm we were out of the office.

From the office, with our adoption guide, ds2 and I headed off for China South office. There was a lot of discussion in Chinese between my guide and the agent, but in the end the ticket was changed. The interesting bit of the process, was dealing with the guide. Ds2 had got his hands on a yuan bill when I paid the taxi driver. We were in the busy office of China South and I didn't want a screaming match, so I let him keep it. The guide insisted it was too dirty and should be taken away. Again, I didn't want a screaming match, so I said to let him be. She insisted, took it and he screamed. I've been tied to the kid for 24/7 , I know what sets him off. I was pissed, and let her know I'm his mommie and I'm cool with him having the dirty bill, so back off. She didn't like it, but got the message. For those awaiting adoption parents - you need to now the Chinese have some culturally different ideas about children. They insist on more clothing then we would like, they insist on no air-conditioning, the kids don't drink or eat anything cold, and if your baby has upset stomach, they will tell you to feed it which just leads to more vomiting. It is important to listen to your inner parent. Do what you think is best, it is your child.

On with the logistics, so we got back from the ticket office, had a quick swim, dinner with friends, bed for the boys and packing. By the time I was done, their was no time or energy left to post.

Friday morning, we got up at 4:45 am for a bag pick up, met in the lobby at 5:15 am and rode to the airport. Security is heightened due to the olympics and we were flying through Beijing to Newark. The security was actually quick, but thorough. They opened all our carry on bags, and confiscated all water. It took a moment to get through, but we were early and they were well organized. The flight was on time. A cool thing about Chinese airports is that by the bathrooms they have HOT water spigots for baby bottles, and I mean hot!! But that is a godsend when traveling with formula.

The first flight was 3 hours, and the boys did great. They both slept to the airport, and through most of the check in, but were awake for the plane. Both did fine. We had four seats in a row in the middle of the plane. In Beijing, we had to pick up our luggage, pass customs, and recheck our bags. Something anyone traveling through Beijing should know, the re-check in opens three hours before the flight. So hang out where the food is rather than going through the gate too early. We did go through the gate, had the kids waiting with no liquid for an hour (I still had snacks). Ds2 had a complete melt down, which stressed out ds1, who then fell down and had a complete melt down for good reason (now a bruise on his back shoulder). None the less, we survived. Once through, ds1 fell asleep, we feed japanese food to ds2, and then caught our next flight.

13 hours with two toddlers in the air is fun, particularly when you end up seating 2 by 2. The seats were only 3 wide, so separating by 2 was the best option. Dh to ds1 and videos, I got ds2. Overall it was as expected, not easy but not a complete horror show. He stayed awake the first six hours, then fit full sleep for five hours (waking every half hour requiring me to get up and walk him, then sit again), finally out for the last leg. Once in Newark, we were actually an hour early, which meant our gate wasn't open, and a 45 minute sit on the plane on the ground. Once off the plane, straight to customs with our brown envelope from the consulate. The US visa guys were the best! They totally recognized us in line with the brown envelopes and speeding us along. They were all smiles and gave us the most welcome reception of anyone in the process.

With ds2's passport now stamped, he is a US citizen. We are to receive a letter in the next 45 days, then we will apply for a US passport. The Chinese passport is now invalid.

Through visa entry to pick up the luggage, which took another 45min to an hour. The traffic in to the city was bad, friday night crowds, heading to the beach, so the taxi ride which is usually about 30 minutes took another hour. About 27 hours after leaving the White Swan, we were home! Tired, cranky, stinky (ds2 had a massive poop in the last part of transit that came up the back and into his shirt!), hungry but home! Baths for all, quick walk to a burger joint, then home and bed for all around 10:15 pm.

DS2 and I were up at 2 am, DS1 joined us at 2:30 pm, Dh joined at 4:30 am and I went back to bed until 7 am. We are all tired, but functioning today!

By this morning, I could no longer handle the 24/7 cling and left ds2 with dh while ds1 and I went to his swim lesson. This was good for dh and ds2. Ds1 on the way to swim lessons told me how happy he was to be out with just me and no one else, so it was a good move. Of course, dh destroyed the house with the kids when he was watching them and his now learning to pick up after himself and them.

This is not the end of the blog, not yet. I'm sure there will come a time to end this, but not just yet. I'll write more thoughts in the days to come on the process as a whole, as well as the usual bit of pieces of thoughts, there are upcoming doctor appointments, and marking the changes. I would also like my husband to writ in on the process at some point, I have mentioned this to him, but I'll keep working on it.

On the changes - The biggest so far, ds2 now reaches out to be lifted up, and holds on once he's picked up. Also dh now able to spend time with ds2 without me, which is much needed by me. Even lets dh pick him up after this mornings bonding session. DS1 has helped ds2 climb onto the couch, which mad ds2 very happy and real team work on their part.

They both just fell asleep, so I'm signing off to nap at the same time, given we'll likely be up early tomorrow!