the mirror

The Series: The last couple days I've been thinking about how all my boys each on their own terms and timing hold me, my life, my actions, my choices up to microscopic inspection, hand me a mirror on my own actions, or hold me captive as an observer without the ability to control an event. These are all scary, real thoughts/moments, but not necessarily good or bad, just life with kids.

The mirror: I think seeing my actions reflect in my children's faces is far scarier than standing in front of a full length mirror naked. And I'm no beauty. They, the kids, do what we do. They may also do what their friends do, but they do that in front of us and then look for a reaction. Back to the mirror concept, this is a unique relationship I think we have as parents. I don't expect DH to start behaving like me. I don't expect my best friends to start picking up my idiosyncrasies. But the kids do. And when they do, I find it startling.

It is fascinating to me to see his face when he observes the discipline of saying "that's enough". DS2 is the button pusher in big ways; he kicks when I'm trying to put on a diaper, he bites me after I say not to, then when he gets pissed and he starts blowing snot out his nose until it is running down his face. So I've instituted a rule in the house. If DS2 starts blowing his nose in anger, no one is to wipe it. Again, the kid is amazing, and when he calms down he gets a tissue and wipes his own nose. But there are times when he wants to really push it, show me he is defiant (which may be a mirror) and hang out for sometime without wiping his nose. This is hardest on DS1 and the sitter. They both desperately want to help him. When I say no, I see a mirror being held up saying, "you are mean". I don't want to be mean. But I am the grown up and I am charged with helping them grow up. I don't just get to set the rules, I have an obligation to set the rules. Parenting sucks.

But it works, the rule setting. As I watched DS1 explain to DS2 why he was being given a time out the other day. This was an interesting mirror to be handed. But DS1 was saying, "we love you, but throwing the cars is not allowed". I'd like to believe this means he is getting the value of saying no, better behaviour, but who knows?

DS2 offers plenty of mirror moments even in his non-verbal state. He likes to match me on actions and vocal tone. If I treat something as if it is precious, he'll play that game and do the same. If I lose my temper and snatch something out of his hand, i.e., his dull dinner knife, after I've told him 10 times to eat with the fork not the knife, he gets pissed and tries to snatch it back. If I whisper to him, he tends to stare. If I talk to him, he talks back. If I yell, he yells. So yes, it is DS2 that is teaching me to not yell at the kids because he yells back and I get tired of all the yelling between us.

Both of them make me examine my actions/words more than any relationship I've ever been in. Poor DH may be disheartened to read that, but he doesn't read the blog. I know that what I do and how I say things affects the boys in profound ways and they are here, in my life, entwined in my life for many, many years to come. I don't want to have a bad relationship. The mirror from the kids is definitely teaching me ways to improve me.