The ebb and flow of love

Sometimes it is just too hard to admit to where I am. Then I realize I need to admit it. I tell someone. And then very quickly my world changes.

I'd been thinking about writing on the flow of love for a couple weeks. It, the flow of feelings, is not consistent. When you think and examine your love for another human being, it scary to recognize that it ebbs and flows. There may be a base, or a belief that love is always there, but there are moments when you are heavily in love, not romantic love, and other moments where you need a flashlight to find the warm spots.

In the last few weeks I've had fewer comments about the littlest man in my life. Frankly, he was just riding a nerve for me and love, to be polite, was not immense. This was a significant disappointment to me. In just the weeks prior, I had been feeling immense love and deep conection with him. Then all of a sudden, out of the blue, with no sparking moment, the warmth dried up.

At a birthday party two weekends ago, I ran into an adoption mom, and she asked, "How's it going?" I hesitated, but then I honestly told her, "A few weeks ago I was on cloud nine after a not so great adjustment period. I thought the self-questioning was behind me. Now I'm rather down as I'm back to not feeling as great of love, back to questioning why we are together." Without a hesitation, without a blink, she responded, "Yeah, it goes that way. It will return."

What simple words, yet it freed me. COMPLETELY. I was worried that I'm the worst adoption mom on the planet. I love the kid, but it ebbs and flows. When it ebbs I worry that it is gone forever; our closest moments have passed. This is when I can't seem to bring myself to write about it. But then I find myself giggling with him again, the love/warmth just starts to perk up again. And I know, things are better; not that they were ever truly terrible, its just the stuff the mind wanders through. It is good to know there is no singular path to loving a child. It is good to know I'm not the only one who questions whether they love their child or not.

I often wonder what is an "adoption" issue vs. just a "mother/parenting" issue. Before we adopted I never questioned whether I loved my biological son. Frankly, I still very seldom do. With him there is just a bond, unbreakable, that whether I love him or not, he is mine and we move forward. Accordingly there has been no imputes to stop and think, "do I love him? Is he ok with me, or would he have been better off with another family?" However, when you add someone to your life by choice, i.e., marriage or adoption, I think I'm more prone to examine my choice in the matter, and frankly I regularly question is this a choice I should keep, or do I need to alter my perspective.

My husband is a beautiful, somewhat tolerant man, that makes me laugh. Is that enough? After 10 years you'd think I'd know by now. What I do know is that the love in our relationship ebbs and flows. It depends on what I'm going through, what he is going through, how we are handling it together or not. But we've thrown our lot in together and keep thinking forward on those lines, and we conquer. There is always love, its just where on the pendulum swing are we? I should learn from this first lesson and apply it to the adoption. I'm just realizing that now, nine months in.

With my beautiful little China man, there is love. And yes it ebbs and flows. Because I made a choice to seek him out, I think about how things would be without him. And what would life like look like for him without me. Depending where I am on the pendulum swing of love colors my view of these parallel fantasy lives that never happened and are never going to be uncovered. But he is mine, I am his. We are in this together and there is no breaking the bond. But it is different than the relationship I have with my biological son. It is not different love, just different circumstances.

I will thank that adoption mom at the next birthday party. Being willing to put my fears in words and share was hard. Having someone to tell was a God send. Her offering support and reality was grace.