Complexity of Caring for a family

The parenting stuff is so much more complex than I can handle at times, that I just have to ignore some issues.  

I'm working on integrating the family, getting us all in school/work routine.  This meant getting some of the family's non-emergency care just had to wait.  For example, I'm just starting the Early Intervention Program.  This is the state funded program that helps any child with significant delays in speech, physical or cognitive delays under the age of 3.  As it is state funded, the child has to be evaluated and qualify by their approved people, then the state selects the amount of therapy, type of therapy and therapist (well, for the most part).  The good thing is it's a free evaluation, free therapy, and the therapy is supposed to happen at your house.

From the first request by a parent to final decision on therapy, is mandated to be no more than 45 days, but my process is slowly grinding moving forward. Which makes me feel a bit bad about taking so long to get started.  First, the lady whose job it is to tell me about the program upon my request was sick for a week.  Then, I am requesting  speech help, but they are requiring full developmental evaluation.  That is a nice precaution, but it requires another meeting which is tough on a working mom.  The program is supposed to evaluate the kid in your home, but since DS2 only heard Mandarin until 3 months ago, they decided he has to have a bilingual evaluation, which means we have to take him to a site in Chinatown, for both evaluations. I've already got the pediatrician sending in paper work.  But hey, I'm still waiting to get his hearing tested, so that throws a wrinkle into the evaluation problem I'm just not going to deal with (I actually think his hearing is fine, but the hearing test "should" be a priority due to the common hearing issues associated cleft palate).

Next, poor DH.  In the first month home I probably asked him to move out half a dozen times.  I don't know why he didn't go, and there is no need now.  He has been the last priority in this "adjustment" window.  And as other items get check off the "to do" list, he has risen in my priorities.  What "adjustment" as in adjustment time; reality is our life as we knew it is over.  There has been a structural change.  There is no going back.  But hey, we don't really know what lies ahead.  But I'm sure it is more "adjustments".

I don't even want to go into the job, where I'm excited about a few projects I'm working on but still have not moved them forward as quickly as I wanted to because of, time out for preschool (next post), time out for Halloween, time out for lunch with girls (read mental health), and other work stuff that sneaks up in priority.  

No great conclusion tonight, just admitting its all complex. 

Ode to Average

It's not like I want to set the bar low, but what is wrong with average?

Recently I've noticed everyone is striving to be exceptional, that's cool. Everyone is trying to give their kids the very best, that's cool. But when it comes to talking about life, admitting that you, or your spouse, or the kids, are not exceptional, its almost a crime.

I'm good at my job, I try to be exceptional, but not really. I know to be exceptional at my day job requires such a time commitment, that I wouldn't be a good mother or wife, or even happy person. I try to be a good mother, I would love to be exceptional at it, but reality is I'm still getting my arms around it all. And as I get one thing down, the kids mature so I'm behind again.

When it comes to the kids, I want them to be exceptional. But I also want them to be kids. DS1 is in preschool, but he still has trouble counting to five, he doesn't know his alphabet, and he doesn't know how to tie a bow. But you know what, he laughs when I make DS2's hair in a mohawk, he loves to have us read books, and loves cooking. He can break eggs, mix anything and even scoop ingredients into the bowl on his own. Yeah, I know how to brag, but exceptional? Nope, just wonderful and I love him.

DS2 is social, babbling constantly and now going to sleep on his own in a big boy bed! But still no real words, he still melts down/bites/hits when mad, and needs to be held when not in familiar territory. He's not exceptional, he's doing wonderful, is a good kid, And I love him.

So when my friends brag, I get jealous. Yes, there is a four year old in our crowd that is writing his name and can count to 20. Yes, there is a two year old in our crowd that challenges my vocabulary. Even the men are not immune to the competition; their game is the height and weight stats. All trying to be off the scale, "my kid is in the 105 percentile on height" but hey, this is one where exceptional can be scary.

But when I try not to compete, wow, its hard. I want the best for my kids, but this doesn't mean I want my kids to be the best, well at everything. And people/acquaintances generally don't want to hear your tale of woe, they want you to inspire them to do better. Just look at me. I'm into doing what I can, mostly what I enjoy and doing the best I can, but exceptional I am not. All my friends inspire me to do "something" better, which again clearly reminds me how not exceptional my talents are. But they are my friends, and they are the best at listening to me rant about the sudden disappearance of all things average. But hey, if I wasn't average, then how would everyone else know how to measure themselves?

bumbs and scrapes, Dentist

So an update on scrapes, bumps, teeth and DS2's dental appointment.

On DS1, his bandage is now starting to come off. The bump was a good inch and a half, and I love the super glue they use at the ER.  If the wound is not in a highly flexible joint, i.e., hand, elbow, knee, I totally recommend asking for "the glue" rather than stitches.  The thing is that stitches on a preschooler's head never work, the kid just kicks and screams.  But with the glue four people hold him down and then they put the glue, pull the skin close, then glue the bandage right on top.  This was bandage really only starts to come off as the skin grows, shedding the outer layers.  As the bandage gets loose, I trim around the edges, but leave the rest in tact.  

Ok, yes this morning I laid him down, put my legs over him and pinned him to the ground to trim half the bandage off before it got ripped off by a sweater or jacket at preschool.  I think this means I'm as strong as four people in the emergency room department!  Years ago I had a kitty that had to have stitches removed.  That was easier, I wrapped her in a towel, shoved her in a cowboy boot and removed the stitches from the exposed part.  Done in 30 seconds and one short howl. Quick.  With a toddler there's the whole "this isn't going to hurt" chat first.  But last time I had to take stitches out of DH, we had to have that chat along with alcohol and him turning his head as well.  But they all have survived. 

I have two boys, really three if you include DH.  I anticipate going to the ER every six months and feel comfortable with the minor stuff.  I figure at some point we'll have a broken limb in the household, as well as one of them will eventually catch the couch on fire.  I'm the one who will eventually light a pan on fire. When it was confirmed with the pregnancy of DS1 that he was a boy, these are the things I just came to assume.  If I had girls, I don't know, I don't have girls.

I am constantly amazed at the placebo, or more specifically, the power of kisses.  Tears, tears, streaming down the cheeks.  Scraps, bumps, falls, all leading to tears.  However, a couple kisses and they are good to go.  If only that continued through adulthood!

On to dental, DS2 had his first dental appointment. Yes, 3 months into our new lives and I'm just getting to this stuff.  It didn't seem fair to freak him out with sorts of different doctor appointments up front.  As DH said, he hasn't likely seen a dentist so no loss on a month or two now.  Anyway... no problem.  He liked the office, the dentist, the staff, and cried when it was time to go.  They didn't even put him in the chair, he just played on the floor, ran around and when he came by DH the dentist would peek into his mouth.  After a couple peeks, he let the dentist poke around.  He is missing one tooth on the top, by count.  We think it is the one in the cleft, but there is no break in actual teeth; he has a full bite, an under bite.  We'll have to do x-rays down the road to see if the missing tooth is coming in;  in the wrong place, or at all.  

The dentist did a "fluoride treatment".  This goes in the nod your head and say , "yeah, right" category in my book.  He brushed some stuff on his teeth, that I have no doubt DS2 licked off within 30 seconds.  Anyway, the boys are good about brushing their teeth.  Honestly, I was having a tough time getting DS1 to brush his teeth.  But the first time I handed DS2 a toothbrush, he knew what it was for and put it right in his mouth, no complaints.  This was observed by DS2 and he stopped complaining.  Now they both brush their teeth, or as I say "tickle all their teeth" in the bath tub each night.  Ok, I wasn't a stickler about actually using toothpaste.  I was happy they were brushing.  But now 2 months into brushing, the dentist introduced flavored toothpaste with a cartoon character on the tube, which makes it all that more effective.

So anyway, when did you start seeing a dentist?  I really thought about this the other night.  I don't have many childhood memories.  I moved when I was 9 years old from Indiana to Idaho, so I know which memories are pre-nine years old.  I don't remember seeing a dentist before I was nine.  I was thinking about this because I let the boys brush my teeth if they want, after I finish off brushing their teeth.  DS1 asked why I had so much gold in my mouth. Aha, mommie had sooooooo many cavities.  She had three root canals before age 15.  Yeah, you can guess my flossing habits.  And no, I don't remember having tons of candy or juice, so I think weak teeth are a genetic thing.

Again, anyway, my early memories was that when I had a loose baby tooth, my dad pulled it with the pliers.   This wasn't done in haste or anger, but just the way we did it.  We weren't really poor, that was later,  I think it was just the way we did it.  Other kids bit apples, or carmel candy.  I hope to NEVER pull my kids teeth with the pliers.  However, if push comes to shove, I know how to do it.  

So their you go, deep thoughts on bumps, placebos, teeth and dentists.

Looking for a cause!

This is the boys with creamy crayon mustaches; Gaucho Marx style.  It was fun, they "got" how silly they looked.  DS1 now sporting the bandage.

Today, I stayed home sick. I took a bath for the first time in about 5 years.  In the tub was awesome, but I did have to clear out tons of toys, and realized the tub from the inside is not as clean looking as the tub from the outside.  Not that it is totally dirty, but the tub crayons clearly are leaving more residue than I imagined.  After the bath, I laid down for a minute.  Then I woke up at 3:30 pm this afternoon.  Ouch.  So much for what I wanted to accomplish today. 

Today just a quick note on an a new project.  A month ago as I was in the shower, I decided it was time to start an old project very seriously.  I started a toy company.  I only have one toy, but it is now in proto-type stage and I should have full production and be ready to sell by the end of February.  I'm not going to tell you about the toy now, its amazingly silly. But I want part of the proceeds to go to helping children.  I'm looking for places to donate the money. Honestly, if the toy doesn't sell there will be nothing to donate, but I'm hopeful.  Let me know what jumps to mind.  I think St. Jude is a good general cause.  I also like Ronald Mc Donald's House, as I can't imagine a child going to surgery and recovery without family there like DS2 did twice in  China.  I've also recently become aware of Pearl River Out Reach, which helps educate and create foster families in China, which seems very cool.  But let me know what else is out there.

visit to folks - pumpkin photos

We went to a pumpkin farm this last weekend. No deep thoughts, just a few photos.   The boys were good and had fun.  It was a four hour drive to my parents house, but with the boys we stopped half way to let them run around.  I looked up this farm on the Internet, but instead of being my planned one hour stop, it turned into about three hours.  They had an awesome play area with wooden shapes for the guys to climb on.  They had all sorts of beautiful chickens, peacocks and roosters that DS2 really liked.  There was a train ride, just three times around a short lap.  Great assortment of pumpkins and gourds.  There was a 2 acre corn maze, but we didn't do that.  

The real winner for the boys was the hay ride.  There was one ride, billed as the Witches ride, which went in the woods and had some scary things that you pass - I don't know, but sounded stupid, and not the best idea for the boys.  We did the regular hay ride, which went through the orchards.  At the end they dropped us off and gave us free cider, and catch this.... and sticks and marshmallows!  There were little fire pits all around where we could roast the marshmallows. DS1 was fascinated by the process of roasting, DS2 was excited by the warm sticky stuff.  

The boys almost made it to my parents house awake, but conked out.  They had fun.  My photos caught them at serious moments, but there were lots of laughs and giggles. For the ender, my favorite photo of the house.  This is my mom's dresser which she moved across the country and put all the little bottles and things just like they were.  Most of these items I remember for my childhood.

A window to the past

This weekend we got together with another family who adopted a child from the same orphanage as DS2, just 2 months before we picked up DS2.

First how we met; there are Yahoo chat groups dedicated to the various orphanages in China. The week before joining the group I had received updated photos of DS2 from another mom who was picking up a child. In these photos, my DS2 was with a friend. After joining my specific group, I noticed that the other family had posted that they were about to leave for China, and had a blog, so I checked it out. When I clicked on the other family's blog, it was my guy's friend! I immediately emailed the photos. They also had photos of my son at the orphanage with their daughter, too cool!

Well, this weekend, just a couple day before our 3 month anniversary of being a family of four, we were able to hook up with the other family! See photos above.

It was a great but strange meeting. Strange in how do I suddenly say hello to another mom that gets it! and has helped me so much along the way, with whom I share an intimate understanding of something we both are experiencing separately. I really needed the opportunity to touch base on all sorts of things, but really I hope this is only the beginning as there is so much to share. Additionally the other mom has older kids and more "mom" experience than me, and yeah, I'll take all the pointers I can get!

Enough on the adults, the kids were funny. They clearly knew each other, but they were cautious. What does this mean? Why are we here? What is going on? Also my brother and a couple of his kids were there aw well as my parents neighbors, so DS2 was already a bit out of his element and clingy. Frankly, he is just clingier anytime we are not in our usual routine. But I could feel his body change in my arms when he saw her. There was interest, but there was fear.

By the time all were feed and had an opportunity to run around, the kids were friendly, giving hugs and such. I think next time they'll be less timid.

That night, DS2 had nightmares all night. Crying out every hour to 45 minutes without fully waking up. DH took the brunt of this, sleeping in the boys room. I think there was just a few emotions that need to be worked out. The second night, DS2 slept through the night no problem.

When I face the complexity of our lives, and all the feelings that go along with it, I'm overwhelmed by just how much there is to consider and how little is known of what is the best approach, and the uncertainty of my feelings on a variety of subjects. I want to do what is best for the kids, for DH, for me, but I don't know what that is. Yeah, baths before bed time, that is an easy decision. However, reminding DS2 of his early start, just seems to upset him - I forgot to mention he hated seeing the photo of the orphanage. But there is progress. I love him, he loves me, and DS1 and DH are in the mix as well. Big progress in that DS2 is now going to bed at the same time as DS1 and in the same room, without crying. Well, most of the time! I guess I just keep reminding myself it is just coming up to 3 months.

The "Look"

Today has been a whirlwind; there is so much I want to share. However I'm still processing thoughts. First this weekend we connected with another family that adopted one of DS2's friends from the orphanage, amazing! Then this morning DS1 fell down the stairs at school and had to go to the emergency room (he is fine, just another "personality/character" scar) where he shouted certain things at the doctors that I've been teaching him to use for bullies. Tonight I have to explain this to DH. But, I need to process the thoughts a bit and write about them tomorrow, or the next day.

But in the midst of calling the school, the doctor, DH, the sitter, and getting everyone where they needed to be, specifically the Emergency Room, I missed my usual Monday work out. Totally not an issue. But, not wanting to give up on the "new me", I chose to go to a different class rather than skip the work out today. My option was a jump rope cardio class.

I haven't jumped a rope since I was ten. Actually now that I think about it I did win a 3rd place ribbon in a jump rope contest at a bi-centennial celebration in 1976. And if I remember right, I'm not making this up, there were only 3 kids in the contest and I pretty much gave up shortly into the contest. I've always felt bad about that. I wasn't quite the fighter then, that I am now, but maybe this is part of the turning point. Hey, I wasn't even 10 years old yet in 1976!

Anyway, I really enjoyed the class, but Wow! what a work out. It started with a 5 minute general warm up, then on to the first 10 minute cardio jump, then 5 minutes strength training (i.e., squats with a body bar, push ups, or other self inflicted torture) then 10 more minutes with the jump rope, repeat. When I walked in to the class I noticed it was fewer people than all the others I take, and these people were really in shape.

I made it through the first 20 minutes, but when we hit the second cardio jumping session, it was clear to me I did not have the skills to keep my heart rate up while trying to jump a rope that was mostly just hitting my head. But, I was having fun. I put the rope on the side of the room, and just faked it. I did everything everyone else was doing, but I wasn't holding a rope. I was happy. I was sweating! The instructor was calling things out, "jog, now feet together, moguls, cross country scissors feet, jumping jacks, heel jacks" etc. He was walking around the room watching people's feet to make sure they were doing the steps correctly. When he got to me, he watched my feet for a second, then I saw "the Look". The glimpse of a smile, a laugh and quick swallow of the expression. He recognized I wasn't using a rope, but wasn't going to call me on it. He just kept walking. My hero.

I saw the Look this weekend too. I was at a grocery store with DS2 and he was clutching hot dogs and wasn't about to give them to the cashier to be rung up. There was a lady behind me that gave me the Look. I thought it was just over our little fight on paying for the hot dogs, but then her 8 year old daughter walked up that was a Asian (not sure if Chinese or Korean, but didn't look a thing like the blond mommie)!

Prior to today, I had interpreted the look to mean, "you are crazy", or "leave that poor woman alone". Maybe I'm feeling better today because now it seems to me the Look is really saying something more along the lines of, "I see that you are faking it, and so am I, and we are get along just fine!"

Goal Oriented, Blues

Today is a tough day. Yesterday was not. But the week in general has not been great.

There are activities that excite me and those that don't. Right now work is a bit in the "not" category, and things that excite me are a touch out of reach. For example, Sunday, I wanted to run to an arts and craft store, a new one in the hood, before it closed. DH asked, "why?', I said its an art and craft store, he said "why", I said you know a place full of ideas, "why?". Now I was pissed, "because I want to have some fun in my life" and stormed out.

I guess in writing the story, I'm starting to get it. I'm very goal oriented. I like to create things, with my hands, with clay, material, the camera, with train set or blocks and yes, yes, yes, cooking. I like working out the puzzle, logic, how do things fit together, what could be altered? And my life and play with the boys I guess is reflective of this; we cook, decorate cupcakes/pizza/cookies, we do train sets, and blocks, we walk to a place to eat, we eat on time.

DH is a just play guy. He hangs with the boys and plays, or watches videos. I do not watch videos if I can help it, which means I'm trying to keep the boys busy with some task that I'll have to clean up later. On vacation I'm good with the lets just hang time, but at home I see too much to do.

Also the Street environment is bad, market swings of 300-600 points, and everyone worried about the job, mortgage, school payments, etc. Yeah, I worry about the same stuff, but I feel a bit trapped as I started taking care of those around me and now I need to fund them until they can fund themselves. I think knowing that I can't change my job because of the turmoil it would cause my family, has taken some of the fun out of the job. Also, I don't think my creative endeavours could support the family unless we moved out of the city.

Also DH is on a diet that has eliminated cooking, DS1's school want to curb the cookies for a couple weeks, so there is only work (already discussed) and working. While I like getting stronger, every time I walk in the gym I also realize I am no size 6. I need something to sink my teeth into, and just haven't found it. Of course I'll be back at the train set and blocks tonight.

Oh, the new arts and craft store, turned out to be a ceramic shop. Bummer.

There are too many idiots on the road!

I have never felt comfortable in the car when my father is driving.  He's not a Terrible driver, but he is a terrible driver. Back when I lived at home, and we are decades ago,  he would yell at the other drivers and there always seemed to be a lot of idiots on the road when he was driving. Maybe he has improved, I don't know.

Tonight I went to a multi-cultural event at DS1's school.  It was billed as being songs, art and pizza, so I took both boys.  I figure we are a multi-cultural group; I'm Hispanic, and kind of look it, DS1 with Blue eyes is learning Spanish, and DS2 is Chinese, trying to learn English, and frankly even my English could use much improvement!  So we went, and it was an unbelievable disappointment.

When we got there I left the stroller on the street, yes, to those of you outside NYC, a stroller on the street in front of school is untouchable. I wouldn't leave in front of a store, but a school or playground, yes.  Well, at the playground I kept in eyesight because the squirrels are aggressive.  The janitor gave my boys big high fives and we all went in happy.  As we walked in and no one greeted us.  I asked a couple organizers if I was in the right place just to make small talk, they looked at me like I had the plague.  There was a gang of older kids, I'd guess 6-8 years old, running and wrestling in the middle of the room, which seemed pretty inappropriate to me.  So my guys and I sat down at the art table, but after we started painting with the glue, we were briskly informed that we were to wait until after the story.  DS1 was a bit crushed, but I told him it was my bad, not his.  

Ok, where's the story?  no story just kids running amuck. 

Finally story time started, which was very cool. They had this artist there who had illustrated a children's book.  While someone read the book, he was drawing on a large drawing pad where the kids could watch.  They were into it.  To my chagrin the book was like 4 pages long, which means this very cool and engaging activity was over in 5 minutes.  The book was about everyone having different type of hair.  I'm not sure DS1 was thrilled to discover DS1 and I had dark hair and he does not.  Additionally, while DS1 was willing to say I had curly hair, he and DS2 had wavy hair.  No conversation could make him change his mind, he was not going to be the only one with wavy hair. We were at the drawings, which everyone else had abandoned, talking about which drawing I looked like vs. DS2 vs. DS1, when one of the organizers asked me which of the boys was mine - yes, at a billed multi-cultural event!

At arts and craft, they were face shapes of different colors, but they looked like pumpkins to me.  Obviously, I said something that the organizers didn't appreciate and I was informed we were making faces, not pumpkins.  DS1 didn't like the tone and melted down to a face hide in my skirt, while DS2 alternated on pulling my hair and scratching me while I tried to keep him out of the glue.  

Next was pizza, which was not there, but "hang in there it should be here in 5 minutes". As the kids resorted to wrestling again, I gathered the boys and headed the hell out of there!  we went to the store, bought the ingredients (the Pilzbury pizza dough is pretty cool and only take 10 minutes in our oven) and made a pizza at home.  Now it is funny to me, but at the time it was not. But now the boys are asleep and I've had a couple glasses of wine. 

I don't think we'll be attending the next multi-cultural event unless I'm hosting it.  Cause there were too many idiots on the road tonight.

Adopting again?

Sometimes people ask, are two kids enough? Are you done? Oddly, I don't think so, the nag just doesn't go away, I want more kids. However, I sure don't want them now. And I wonder what the hell I'm thinking even thinking about it. But I do think, maybe when the boys are older I'll adopt an older child. Older kids are out there and they need homes.

I'm struggling with how we'll pay for everything (think school/college) for the two boys, let alone more. Our apartment is not suitable for more than the four of us. It is totally impractical given how bad I feel about my lack of work success and lack of time with the boys and lacking mommie skills. Also the practicality of how hard it is to adopt makes me shiver. It is an emotionally charged process with more paper work than one can imagine. Then the adjustment, which I'm assuming we'll survive, as we are still in the midst of it. Then there is the desire to get the boys up and out on their own, so I can go back to having more free time again. My husband is 12 years older, so I do count on him dying first so I get my free time!

So there is a nag for more, while I'm in the midst of why I did it at all. Does it sound schizophrenic to you too? But I'll stuff it for now. No deep thoughts, I don't know, just thought I'd share this quandary today.

Too many theories

Pavlov Dogs - ring a bell, feed them, repeat like 50 times, then ring a bell and they will drool with or without food.

Dogs/shock - sound buzzer, give the dogs and electric shock, dogs jump over wall to other side of pen, after the first time, sound buzzer, the dogs jump.

I didn't do these experiments, I just remember reading about them.

_______________________________________

The boys were pathetic this weekend. It was beautiful and sunny, so we spent a lot of time in the park, bike rides, and the zoo. Yet, my emotional little souls were whiney and clingy all weekend. During one beautiful meal, on the side cafe of a totally casual resturant, DS1 spit water out a straw at me, and DS2 kept crying to be feed, but then also chose to spit his food out, again, and again, and again.   So me shouting, me giving time outs, even had DS1 sitting on a milk create outside the cafe at one point. 

By Sunday late afternoon, instead of the usual 20-30 minute bath at 7 pm, I put the boys in the tub at 6, told DH to make me a martini, and like DS1 said when I finally told them to get out of the tub... after a long time, "our toes look like raisins".  In my defense, I did get a few things done while they were in the tub.  The both got hair cuts, a draining of the tub to wash the hair out and a refill, as well as brushing their teeth.  And kept adding warm water to the tub. But I also finished my martini.  Today, as I write this, I wonder if I should drink and cut their hair at the same time? Yesterday, I didn't care.

But here's the question, I'm big into positive reinforcement. We do lots of high fives, chats about what a good boy(s) they have been, etc.   But I'm still forced to the warnings, time outs and tears (by them) over their melodramatic, oscar worthy behaviour when I tell them "no" or ask them to modify behaviour; as in "no, I'm not going to buy you a six foot tall stuffed polar bear", "please keep your pant on", "no biting", "honey please don't lick the display case", "please keep your feet in the stroller", "no feet on the table", "please don't do head stands on the concrete" - these are all actual things I said this weekend.   The book and parenting magazine experts all say that positive reinforcemnt is more effective than negative consequenses. I'm not totally sure.

Send him back

Photo: I like this one, its about the kids, but for a brief moment the Play Dough is the focus. Kind of like adoption, sometimes it becomes the focus, but it needs to be fleeting, as the time together is really about the kids.

I knew it was coming, I just didn't know when. But last night, I had the boys in the tub and DS1 has been acting out a bit lately, so I brought up the "its not always easy being the older brother" train of thought. And yes, it popped out. "Mommie, can we send him back to the other people?"

It wasn't phrased like, "let's send him back", it was more of general question. I said nope, he's with us now. He also asked, did they have bath tubs at the orphanage?, in the same inquisitive tone, so I don't think the first question was malicious. I said, I thought they did, but DS2 probably didn't get to spend as much time playing in the tub there as he does here, and that is why he doesn't like to come out of the tub.

On the new adoption parenting book, this stuff is good and bad. Its all written by some expert from their own experience. This doesn't mean they have had experience with my kid, but maybe there are patterns among behaviours in kids from the orphanage system? I find parenting pointers I like. Others I ignore. My most recent read is, "Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child: From Your First Hours Together Through the Teen Years" by Patty Cogen. I kind of like the overall approach. But it is written with a saying it out loud techniques that have an effect on the whole family, not just the adopted child. So far she hasn't addressed the idea that it affects the family.

For example, if DS1 falls to my feet screaming - which is likely to happen almost anytime - I'm to say to him, "I know that at the orphanage you might have had to be very loud and demonstrative to get attention, but you are here with me and part of our family now, so if you want me to pick you up just stand up and lift your arms to me and say "up". Well, I tried this, with this amazingly long, adult verbiage, and DS2 stopped crying, stood up and lifted his arms to be picked up! So next time I did it again and it worked. After a couple times, he's more likely to raise his arms first rather than just crumble to the floor! So I tried the technique - really just saying at the orphanage that may of been how you handled a situation, but as a member of a family this is how we do it, - and it has worked.

The unexpected consequence is that DS1 is asking more questions about "at the orphanage". Yuck! I want the kids to know the truth, but in age appropriate doses. Now I'm getting all sort of questions about the orphanage. I've offered to show DS1 photos, and he says yes, he really wants to see them. But he forgets by the time I've dried the two of them off and gotten them in their PJs. I want all the adoption issues to be open within the family, but wow, I find I'm still digesting the material.

So, check out the book, I like it better than most, but I'm only half way through, so there is time for me to decide I hate it yet. And yes, I'm keeping my boys although I do fantasize about those free and single days!

Highs and Lows

Almost everyday I'm amazed at the challenges that parenting throws at me, the struggle between work and home balance, and how so not alone I am in all these struggles.

Today, I traveled to New Jersey for a conference, learned a ton, partially boring, but a totally worthy trip. But it meant I was 90 minutes late coming home to the boys. Also during the day today, DS1's school sent out the email of a new adoption network for the school that I am moderating. I got home to hear that DS1 had kicked the sitter, had not apologized and was not speaking to DH. After calming down DS1, finding out what occurred, getting him to promise to apologize to the sitter tomorrow morning, getting him to tell DH he would apologize, and getting DH to tell DS1 he still loves him. Then getting the boys to bed, when both emotionally charged. DS2 started tonight in the bed with DS1, but after a while decided he'd rather scream it out until mommie returns, which is not fair to DS1, so DS2 gets moved to my room and I pull my hair out. Then I was greeted by checking my new adoption network to see that in the first day of the announcement it received 8 families wishing to join!

It is not always easy to air one's insecurities/struggles, I don't like admitting I'm not perfect, but it is so good to know when I do out myself, there are people who understand. Not everyone understand, but that is why we find one another.

Also a follow up on the last post about the adoption book. I'm reading a new adoption parenting book, yes another! I'll write more specifically about the book tomorrow and the boys' reactions to the techniques offered, but it offered a great solution; make one sheet with only 3 photos. Make 10 copies of it, so you can loose some, let the kid act out emotion and rip, hide, eat or whatever with a couple copies, but make sure I still have a page available to start the story telling. The three photos are one of the child at the orphanage before we came into his life, one from the transition, one of him at home now. The idea is to tell the adoption story from his view, i.e., this was your orphanage, then one day we appeared and there was a big change as we brought you to your new home, with us, where we are all now a family. It suggest that as you get comfortable telling the simple story, then start adding details. Or as the child starts asking questions, add the details.

For the most part, I think I can handle this one. I have photos of him in the orphanage, photos of the orphanage itself. I am lacking photos of the hand off. DH took video, but the video was erased in transit by the x-ray machines, which breaks my heart for him, but the images are etched in my mind forever, so its not a huge personal loss (so prospective parents be sure to use non-magnetic tape). I think I'll do a photo from when we are in the van on the way to the consulate, or one from at the consulate. And I have tons of photos of us at home to chose from.

As I think about it, I will start with 3 photos, as I can pull that together in a day, but I think I'll work to add more photos including the early referral photos before surgery, so they don't surprise him as he gets older. I will add more photos from the moms that have children that were at the same orphanage of our kids together at the orphanage. Finally, when he's talking more, I'll ask him what he wants to add to the book. Thank you for your comments/perspective.

The Adoption Book

All the experts say you should make an adoption book of your thoughts and photos to share with your child. All the scrap book enthusiast shame me by their valiant efforts. But I have a mental block. We are now home 2 months and I have narrowed the photos to my favorite 150! I am completely uncomfortable adding commentary. I don't know what to say.

It was a trip that "changed my life". It made me reevaluate a culture and face a one-child policy head on. It is a horrific policy alive in the midst of a family-centric culture, which is a bizarre twist I cannot get my head around. Also I have photos of the orphanage from other moms, and even from the disposable camera I sent ahead. I have photos of DS2 with friends that I do and don't know where they are. I've learned since our return that there are children in the China orphanage system that will never be deemed "adoptable". I don't know how to address any of this, so how do I include the photos?

I love this kid. But I didn't know what I felt when I took the photos. I look at the photos and he's also looking at me trying to figure out what he feels. I've taken this child away from every sound, smell, sight, food, he's known, and now I should try to show him in photos? I don't even have photos of his town. Only the towns he visited with us.

I'm stuck. I'm in tears, and this is one of those items where I've failed him, but I'm not even sure what not failing him would entail.

Good news, Bizarre Times

Good news, we went to visit the surgeon yesterday and DS2 checked out great!

The surgeon thought the lip looked "pretty good", which I wanted to smack him as the lip looks great! But when we tipped DS2 and got into his mouth, the surgeon was totally surprised, I could see the shock on his face, he thought it was an awesome job. He thinks its American technique, whether it was done by the Chinese or Americans (think Smile train), we'll never know. Upshot is no surgeries until he's a bone graft stage, around 8 years old. There is a chance the the back of the palette may need a touch of work at around age 4, but as the little guy is already saying the "b" sounds, we are hopeful to skip this revision.

Now today I start setting appointments with the Speech Pathologist who will lead us tot he speech therapy and early intervention, the orthodontists, and the ENT (Ears, Nose and Throat) doctor to evaluate hearing and look at the need for ear tubes. But the first biggie is off the list!

On my way back to the office the complexity and bizarre events surrounding my daily life really hit me. I had skipped lunch so I was standing in front of my office building waiting in line to buy a fruit smoothie. For those Non-NYer readers, there are lots of vendors in NY that hang out in the business areas to sell quick foods like, hot dogs, felafels, kabobs, fruit smoothies, fancy coffee, and of course donuts. Well, the guy at the fruit smoothie place is cool, Jimmy, we are friendly.
He says, "hey you are late today."
me, "yeah, I had an appointment out this morning"
him, " so how's the market today,up or down?"
me, " I actually don't know, I'm just coming in"
him, " oh, this means you were out for the boys, are they good?"
me, smile, "yes, just came from the doctor and everything looks good."
him, great, "see you tomorrow".
Jimmy is an immigrant from Vietnam. He knows about both my boys and has met the older guy. He was very excited about DS2 and we talk on occasion about keeping the exposure to Chinese language up. He laments to me that his nieces and nephews understand everything he says to them in Vietnamese, but always respond in English. I tell him to just keep talking to them.

Here's the juxtaposition to this scene. While I'm standing there chatting with a member of my daily life, friends/family circle, I'm 40 yards from the New York Stock Exchange (NYSE) watching the protesters, tourist, and riot police dance. Earlier this week three protesters in black suits, white ghost like mask, carrying signs saying "greed kills" started walking up and down the street. I kind of like this trio but, in my opinion they got the expression wrong. On the Street we say, "bulls and bears make money but pigs get slaughtered." Nonetheless, same sentiment.

Yesterday another group of about 4-5 protesters have joined the mix. These folks are wearing suits and cowboy hats and carrying signs protesting the bail out. There were two guys running around with full face mask dressed like Obama and McCain, but they weren't getting much attention without having signs! Now in the middle of this are the riot police - only a handful - just watching and waiting, with their dog. OF course tourist everywhere, it is easy to hear 4-5 languages in the groups passing by. The kicker, was yesterday was also the second day of Rosh Hashanah (a Jewish holiday) and their was an older fellow, dressed traditional garb, coming out onto one of the taller steps and blowing on a large sheep horn for the Holiday every once in a while (I don't know the tradition, but he seemed serious about his blowing).

Every once in a while I sit back and think, wow, NY is CRAZY. But I still love this city.