Bird Feeder Update

I can’t say how much I’ve come to love the bird feeder in our kitchen window. While I thought it would be fun and educational, I’m shocked at how often I find myself wandering into the kitchen just to check out the action (this has not helped my waste line).

The birds that know about are feeder are generally pretty friendly and there are clearly many birds we are feeding at this point . They have become accustomed to our presence. As long as we don’t tap on the glass of the window, they are quite willing to hang out with us in the kitchen. Oddly, I believe they sense when we have company over and are a bit quicker to fly away from our guests.

After a day of rain, which meant very few bird visits, I reached out to fill the feeder, and the birds were hover close while my hand was still out the window. Now if the feeder goes empty, they tend to polish it off in one day, they sit in the window and demand food rather loudly. We are now going through a 5 lb bag of food every other week!

Finally one bird, well at least one to our knowledge, had the courage to explore our apartment. Unfortunately it chose its daring escapade when my husband was in charge. My lovely groom takes it as a bit of a personal affront that the bird entered the kitchen. But as my older son explains, they just kept waving their arms until the bird figured out it was a “good idea” to turn and leave. This incident started the adult request that I keep the window above the feeder closed if I’m going to keep feeding them.

But it was the beginning of a new new debate has shaped among the adults in the household on whether we should be feeding these "flying rats". I was winning until the pigeons found us; then yes, I conceded to bring it down as a lot, and I do mean a lot, of "poopy" was suddenly mounting on the window seal.

However, I don't want to wast the food, so when the lovely groom is out, and I want lunch time company, I put the feeder out, eat a sandwich in the kitchen and chat with the birds. I'm sure he'll not figure out my folly as I keep the bird feeder hidden with the cleaning supplies. The boys, they are back to making piles of food on the side walk and then counting as the customers fly in.

Mosquito Stink

Last night, as I lay in bed, in a mosquito stink, I think "this can not possible work". With my all natural insect repellent on I am in a citrus fog. I smell of a perfectly ripe orange cut in two and dripping off the side of the plate. How in the world is this supposed to repel anything but my husband?

I am a pin cushion of exquisite content, filled with the blood that is a fine delicacy to all blood seeking creatures of the dawn, twilight and night. I am a find that these winged creatures of the dig into over and over. The boys are protected by some unlabeled stuff recommended to me that I smuggled over from China. It comes in a bottle that I plug into the electric socket and leave on all the time. It has no smell. The mosquitoes leave them alone. I have no idea what it is. I have no idea how to get more. So I ration it to only the boys' room as they really need protection.

Yes, I recognize I should have invested in screen windows before the economy tanked and I lost my job. But I kept thinking, I'll get it done before Spring, which of course didn't happen. Now I believe the only way to keep the blood suckers away is to seal all entrances and keep the air conditioning on at all times. The other option, no exposed skin. Which is why you’ll find me under the covers with socks and occasionally a hat.

A few years ago I became allergic to one of the ingredients in your standard deet containing insect repellent. During the day I may still use the deet, but only spraying on my clothes not my body. If you watch the "travel sized" bins, you will still find the 1 ounce sized 98.5% deet. LOVE IT! The smell is one of “I am chemicals that can kill you!” However, for nighttime/bedtime I don’t feel great about making my groom, who has occasional asthma, inhale my deet containing fragrance, so I switched to the natural stuff. Also I have less hives with the natural stuff. However, when I smell like a ripe potted plant, about to bear fruit, it is hard to believe I’m repelling the invaders of the night.

The worst are the little guys that go for your nose. The hover, tickling you until they evoke a sneeze. Which of course is preceded by a great inhalation. Before you sneeze there is a great intake of air when the little speared warrior could be inhaled deeply to places you’d rather not itch. Hopefully the expel, the sneeze, is forceful enough to dislodge any attachment before damage is induced.

I also hate the kill these blood thirsty savages while they are drinking. While there is satisfaction in a solid slap that produces a pancaked insect, the sight of my own blood (I hope) lets me know the swelling should still be anticipated.

So as I laid in my stink, I vowed when work picks up I will invest in the screen windows because there are glorious nights in the 60s when the breeze is so gentle as to allow the invaders to fly, but so nice as to create a crime if the air conditioning were to be used.

In an air cast

I don't write about everything the exact day it happens, as I know my parents are active readers of the blog. So, mom, go have a glass of wine and then come back and read the rest of this.

We went to the "county" on Friday to a friends house that had a pool. If I want the boys to jump on board with the idea I only have to say two things, going to "another city" where there is a "pool". I don't mention the bugs or lack of TV. It was a nice little get away and although we arrived with the rain, the boys went in the pool anyway.

We were done with dinner, my personal favorite of buns and burgers on the grill and it was time to head to the guest house when I took a turn for the worst. Literally, while holding the Little Man in my arms I stepped off the porch not realizing it and twisted my ankle and fell like a sack of potatoes. Good news, the porch was only 4-5 inches taller than the grass, and when I fell the Little Man was fine, but we both heard the gun shot which was the tendons in my ankle stretching for all their worth.

Ok, I'm in pain. I start to cry. Then the Little Man starts to cry. I try to tell him to go get Daddy, but now he is hysterical and won't leave me. I shout out to the Hubby, who looks out the window asks what I want and doesn't come out. I start to shout for our host. He yells back saying "where are you?" We were just in that moment when it turns dark, the porch light was out and I was out of view. "I'm on the ground by the porch and I'm not getting up. Go get my hubby so he can take the Little Man!" Finally action.

With the guys on the move, Little Man finally off my lap which happened to be on top of my ankle, I pulled myself over to the big bucket that had the juice boxes and beer and sunk my foot in. When I stopped crying, pulled myself together, I realized with my foot in a bucket of ice that long I should be feeling pain but I wasn't. Not a good sign. I reached down to find massive swelling and bumbs were I had none. Yes, my turn to visit the emergency room.

The emergency room was empty, they had me fill out one form and then took me straight to XRay. My host said he'd stay with me as he's already had a vasectomy, which was far more information, unnecessary information, than I needed. The doctor came by and prognosed it as a really bad sprain, no broken bones, but he was giving me an air cast and crutches. Estimated I wouldn't be walking for a few days, that I should "try to keep off my feet and the foot elevated" and produced a few Percocet for the night and a prescription for the morning.

Two and a half days later, I can put weight on the foot. But I haven't left the apartment. I'm feeling confident I will be well soon. I also know that two cocktails and a Tylenol are better at pain relief than a percocet. The boys believe the crutches are a great weapon to 'fight bad guys'.

Recessionarly Toes

When the economy hit my personal check book, there were a variety of items that disappeared from my life. Most with no great concern or notice. I stopped buying clothes and started enjoying digging to the bottom of the t-shirt drawer or the back of the closet to see what I might find. I gave up the fancy coffee drinks and fancy coffee places and rebuilt my relationship with the deli guy.

As summer rolled in, it became time for my bi-annual pedicure. Clearly, I'm not a 'girly-girl' or this would occur much more often than once (ok, maybe twice) through the summer and then again in the winter for the holiday party season. But, I thought, why not? I used to paint my toenails when I was a 12 years old, so what is stopping me from doing it now?

Well, paining your toe nails is not like riding your bike...it is a skill you lose over time! Confounding the matter, my preferences have also evolved. I like have the cuticles pushed back and the dead skin removed. I love the hot water soak followed by the foot message. I like sitting back and knowing the job will look great. My self-painted nails are a work out and they look good a couple showers post painting.

When I choose to do my own nails, I didn't realize:

• I'm not as flexible as I was when I was 10 years old. And I'm heavier, not fat, just slightly rounder. Combine those two new elements and critical self-examination of my toes became an activity to inspire sweat.
• Messaging your own feet is good, but not nearly as satisfying as when someone else does it.
• All fingernail polish is not alike. Some are thick and chunky (not a good sign) and others go on smooth. But as a novice in the beauty isle, it is hard to discern the difference from packaging alone.
• If you manage to pain more than the nail, like the supportive toe supplying the nail, the extra paint (or wasted paint) will wash off in about three showers, allowing your work to improve in appearance over time.
• If you are just sitting around waiting for your toes to dry, someone will knock on the door, the kids will have boo-boos that need kissing and the cat will become oddly affectionate.
• The kids that have never seen this process will find you more interesting then Sponge Bob and you'll have to let them in on the action (see above comment about stray paint).
• The children will run around the neighborhood sharing their version of the "I painted mommy's toe nail story".
• You will wonder if it is necessary to wear toe revealing sandals and investigate the alternatives.

But all is not lost. After trying a very thick yellow color that I managed to track through the house in a mysterious way for one who sat on the couch for the requisite 30 minutes, I discovered that I like having "peach" toes. I've discovered some old thin summer tennis shoes in my closet, and I've come to peace with just keeping the nails trim. But as the holiday season approaches, I don't think peach is going to work.

Trade Show #2, Day 3 - Going on National TV

Another solid day at the show! I'm really pleased with how it is going. Could it be better? Yes. But is it going well? Absolutely.

We have sales and orders to ship. We have gained multiple companies that want to stay in the loop on our progress and may eventually become retailers for us. Additionally, we have gained many contacts that I think will help us down the road.

Today, the Big Boy came to the show and got to see what was going on. I warned him ahead of time that there was nothing there we were allowed to buy. Only things to look at. While he was clearly excited by what he saw, and all the vendors love engaging a child with their wares, he was a really good boy and handled it all very well. And he already told me what he thinks our next product line should be.

Today offered a few surprises. I had one woman 15 minutes before the close of the day walk up and ask what our show special was. Three seconds later her husband caught up. She turned to him and said, order the show special and then meet me at booth #XX and walked out. It was great to have a customer return so determined.

On to national TV. It is confirmed. I will be appearing with Norman on the CBS's The Early Show on Saturday August 29th. This is so cool! They are doing a segment called, "Mother's of Invention" highlighting three Mompreneurs. Should be fun!

Trade Show #2, Day 2; Book Update

AWESOME Day! Great feedback on the product and line extensions. Some great sales and lots of people actually handing me their business card asking to stay informed of when the book is released and wanting to chat more on the toy! I'm very happy with the orders today.

Tomorrow is the corporate buyer day, so I'm really looking forward to that. I'm not really ready to go very, very large scale, but I'm interested in seeing who is interested in the product, the line, and what can be met.

Yeah, a small victory on this interesting road!

Second victory came in tonight. Kenny my illustrator sent me the first color spread for the book. I'm thrilled. We've worked through the sketches for the entire book, then to the pen and ink drawings, but now we are going through the creating color. Very cool.

On the boys, specifically the Big Boy. On Sundays we review the "calendar" to see if he achieved his goals and he gets a prize. So tonight when I gave him the star for 'letting mommy work' he reported "It was easy today. You were in the big building for the trade show. They don't let kids in to the trade show so I couldn't annoy you." I'll take this as a generally supportive comment, I'll find somehow to spin it that way.

On to trade show #2

So yesterday I went down and set up for my second trade show. Good news, so far a totally different experience!

How different:
1. It's in my home town, NYC
2. I was not the only Caucasian on the floor, in fact minorities (which I actually am as a Latina) were the minority.
3. I have a 10 ft. by 10ft. booth.
4. The air conditioning, while not on full force, was on.
5. The other vendors setting up looked impressive!
6. I was not the only 10 ft. by 10 ft space (at the last show the little booths were almost non-existent, but here it seems to be the majority, which I'm going to believe means more of the little guy like me!).
7. The food vendors were already open and serving people with a variety of food.
8. I have padding under my carpet.
9. They let me wheel in my own bags without drayage fees.
10. My hubby helped me set up (not necessarily a good thing as he told me everything he didn't like about my booth until I reminded him that those things cost money which means more meals at home, fewer dates.) which I am glad to have him see a bit of the business.

I will go in tomorrow hopeful. I have a young actor friend of my husband's helping me, and I think he is a great fit for the "Norman" image. I will take photos tomorrow of the booth and post them. I think my set up is a bit stronger this time around. I did go back to the first trade show entry and post a photo for that one.

Separate update on morning show - I had the "phone" interview with the producer, which I really think they just want to make sure you can answer a question. They are supposed to decide if the segment will be booked by Monday, so it is a long slow drum roll, but I hope to have good news to report in a few days.

Separate, Separate note - I got published as an author! I repackaged an old blog post as a short article and was published in a regional parenting magazine in their August issue. Of course they didn't tell me ahead of time, I found out today when I received a check in the mail with a copy of the article. Really, I'm very happy about it. This was a business idea, to gain a bit more "writing" credibility before publishing the Norman story.

idiotic; sometimes.

Recently I’ve noticed I’m kind of an idiot. It amuses me, slightly alarms me, but I think it is a fair observation. Let me expand.

I know how to pack a suitcase. And I happen to believe I’m a really good packer. Accordingly I spend entirely too much time making sure everything is properly aligned and fits. My husband and a few friends have even commented on my ability to get everything in a small space. They say watching me unpack is like watching the clowns exit the car at the circus. I say, “ I’m good with special issues, I can make it all fit.” In inspection I realize being compared to a circus act may not really be a compliment.

The dark side of being a good packer is that the more you can fit in a single bag, the heavier the bag becomes. Yes, I carry some really heavy bags. I kind of view it as a work out program, like a small physical challenge. I know packing heavy bags with "I can carry it" attitude doesn’t sound like all that bad. It really becomes concerning when you marry it to my number one personality flaw, fierce determination to do it all myself. Not just independence, but a “get the @#$*#(@! out of my way” attitude.

This is the scenario that got me thinking: the cab drops me off 10 yards from the airline out door check in. I have two huge, I mean big enough to hide a few small children, suitcases that hold my trade show kit. I also have one surprisingly heavy little carry on bag. The taxi driver grunts as he lifts the carry on bag out of the trunk. Then he suspiciously eyes the big bags. Of course, my personality flaws kick in and I pick up and move the two big bags and then tip the guy anyway (note another flaw; gluttonous tipping).

I stack the little bag on the smaller of the two bags and drag all three bags toward the check in desk. Note, there is a crack in the side walk 10 feet from the desk. I hit it. Top bag tries to fly. I catch it all as the baggage guy walks over to help me. I say no worries I got it all and wave him off. I walk five more feet to the desk. He looks at me and says, “Now you have to let me help you whether you want it or not.”

Light bulb. I’m an idiot. No doubt my bags are heavy, I weighed them before leaving the room (yes, this means I carry a luggage scale with me when I travel) they are just under the top acceptance level of 70 lbs each. And I have three bags which are hard for me to manage on my own. What am I thinking, combined they do weigh more than me. Yet, damn it, I’m going to do it all! I’m going to do it all by myself. I’m an idiot.

I forget that I can smile and ask for help. I can tip anyone who helps. I don’t need to be embarrassed by the size of my bags… I know its not all clothes and shoes. Furthermore the people, these random strangers who’s opinion I’m worried about, will never see me again. Bottom line, I need perspective. I need to quit being an idiot.

Trade show to National TV

So I've packed my bags - yes my whole kit fits into two large, and I do mean LARGE, suitcases. I'm done with the show, but I've learned something. Maybe even learned a lot.

This was not my target market. I want mom and pop stores, boutiques, that have a higher end product and care about the products they are selling. I want buyers that think the fact that part of the sale goes to charity; not those that think it is cutting the profit. I want people who love, adore, children and the product that go to them. They were not really at this show. But I'm excited about my next two shows, one starting in 3 days in NYC, that will be a better fit for me.

I learned how to set up my booth. I have made some changes and will expand a bit on my marketing for the next booth (I'll also be moving from a 5x10 to a 10x10 booth). I have worked on my pitch. I know where to pause to see if the buyer wants to walk away or more information. How to read the body language and respect time efficiency for both of us. I've learned that you don't pitch to everyone, not everyone carries your product category. I've gained ideas on line extensions, some which I think I can pull together for the holiday season this year!

And life is a teeter totter, while the show was a 'learning experience', other things were happening in the background. My part time publicist (only on board for a quick 2 month window), just scored a major booking for me on a national network morning show! I have a phone interview later today, which will seal the deal. Once all the approvals are in place I will tell you all about it! I'm so excited!

ASD Show Appears a Bust

I could be heart broken or depressed, but really I'm not. The show is a bust, I mean BUST!

It is totally the wrong venue for me, and if my buyers show up here it is only because they were as naive as I am. When I signed up, I did a few things right: I asked what was the price of goods being sold and was told "moderate", I also checked the list of last years vendors and saw the major plush houses listed. But in reality this is a "value/close out" show. The toys here are the mass merchandising products that you would find on Canal Street in NYC. Not even the stuff I like to buy for my boys. I didn't even know these vendors would need a show, I thought they just sold by catalogue.

There were signs during set up that I was not at my ideal venue, but I didn't know how to read these signs. Don't think this is racist, but I need to explain the reality; all the major vendors are Asian importers. No body was friendly with me. No one was speaking English. Everyone had major booths, 2-6 booth space, not the one off space of an interesting unique product like mine.

And when the show opened, most of the buyers were Asian distributors, and walked right passed me even though I said hello to everyone. A few folks have been willing to hear my pitch and like the product. However, they are at this show to get deals, and my price point is totally out side of their expected range. I'm simply at the wrong venue.

What I have heard overall in general advise before coming to the show is true. And I'm gaining a bit advice while at the show. So let me share:

• Try to visit a show before presenting - then you really know what it is like, but you'll have to wait another year to show. This good advice if you have the time to build your business and fly to these locations without a 'return'. But, one vendor told me that a few years ago I would have totally fit in here, but in the last two years the venue had really changed its stripes.
• Buyers want to see you before buying from you. It is true you need to get to the shows to meet the buyers, but it is clear that some are interviewing me and want to see me around before they start buying from me. While I think it is great to have a relationship, I think it is a silly reason for not carrying a product their customers may buy.
• Look at the list of vendors for fit. I agree, but I would add scrutinize the vendor list. Beyond seeing the big names in your category, do you see some of the smaller up and coming companies that you admire? If not, there might be a reason.
• You will meet people. Yes, I am still meeting some interesting folks. There is great resistancetheir business card. When asked most people say no. They'll take your information and follow you, but only those really interested in you product are willing to hand over their cards. And, given how much marketing materials and sampling costs, I'm cool with this attitude.
• There are sharks. Yes, I've already had a "business consultant" stop by and tell me why he thinks my businesses will fail and how he can help me. I promptly told him he has assumed an incorrect business plan and that this is the inappropriate venue to have such a discussion and I would be happy to see him leave my booth. At which time I also stood my full height and glared that "Mommy would really like to hit you" glare.
• Food at the Venues is terrible. Yes, but interestingly, they did bring in one food court just for the importers that serves only Asian style Asian food (vs. American style Asian food) which is really quite good although still ridiculously expensive. And hard to find.

There was one good comedic moment in the day. The lady beside me is selling some really strong smelling potpourri. I find it ironic that she is a smoker, which means it all smells less to her and stronger to me. Anyway a guy comes down the isle and takes a piece and throws it in his mouth thinking it was candy! I haven't seen anyone spit that violently in some time!

So, I am heading back to the show this morning. I will continue to be friendly, but honestly I'm a little tempted to leave the show a day early. We'll see how it goes today. And the biggest bummer. The pool closes at 6 pm, so I don't even get pool time.

Trade Show Set up

So today I'm in Las Vegas. After getting up at 5 am to catch a 7:30 flight, leading to a 10:30 am landing (with time change), checked into the hotel and then off to the Sands Convention center for trade show set up!

As the Big Boy says, "I'm going to go sell Normans so we can have more money and pay for school!" YEAH!

I'm putting Norman PhartEphant out there to the whole sale buyers!! This is how I found out if Fierce Fun Toys, LLC is going to make it as a real company or not! This show is a good but interesting fit for me, it is a general house & gift show including housewares, jewelry, gift & toys. I'm in the toy section.

To say I'm excited to be here is an understatement. The day went well, but I did find myself so intimidated that I had to go out for a walk. Of course the walking gave me ideas how to make the booth look better, which it does now, but I also sweated BIG time as it was about 100 degrees at 2 pm!

The show is humongous! There are bout 3,000 vendors and supposedly about 20,000 buyers coming. The place is so big that they had 18-wheeler trucks in the isles dropping of the various suppliers stuff.

I have a tiny booth, 5x10 feet. The other vendors have very professional looking set ups. I'm not. But I'm happy with mine. I will take a photo tomorrow. The other vendors also have 2-6 booths (not all but many of them), and I seem to be the only one out with only one product.
There are lots of stuffed animals, or "plush", but Norman seems pretty unique. I also have a couple draft copies of the book with me for pre-sale.

I actually do not "know" the person helping me in the booth tomorrow: it is a friend of a friend. But We've talked on the phone and she seemed nice and willing. Bottom line, I know I can't do it all by myself (see I am maturing!).

I'm not sure what my sale goals are. I've really struggled with coming to terms on what they should be. It seems like I should at least be able to do 2 sales orders an hour, from 9 am to 6 pm, which would be 18 orders. But that also seems pretty lame. But I just don't know?!? I can't wait to find out!

Part 2

Who knew you could find a bit of Arizona in Provence?

Here's the deal. I committed to blogging for one year. Guess what... it has been a year!

I promised myself not to reread what I had written for a year. I've started to peek, and guess what, holy crap batman, I've written a TON! And a lot of it more honest than my parents probably wanted. Obviously, more than my lovely groom thought possible. He, the lovely groom, is the one that brought up it has been a year and is it time for me to move on to other things, like paying more attention to him (you know that one hour 3x week he has been missing me). Well, he made me think about it. My thoughts:

• I blog because it makes my head calmer. Those little voices go away and the ideas stop bouncing around trapped in there.
• I blog as a way to keep my parents in the loop, as I'm totally not into talking on the phone, which I keep promising myself I will learn to do.
• I blog as a way to post the boys photos for extended family, its just easier then printing and sending.
• I worry about the blog because I'm sharing my thoughts a bit more than any of my family or extended relatives ever really thought I would. Now I'm not sure what they think of me, but the proof is that they keep coming back to read (maybe I am the family train wreck that everyone is watching?).
• I have focused the blog on my thoughts about parenting, being a parent and my obligations to the boys. It is not their point of view, it is not about them fully, it is about my reaction to everything.

So is it time to stop? I don't think so, but it is time for some changes.

I'll continue to share thoughts on the boys, parenting and living in a house where the toilet seats are up all the time and I seem to be the only one that flushes (really makes you want to visit!). I'm still just a private mommy blogger that doesn't mind if people follow along, but I'm not going big time and advertising, recruiting, or building my base (not that this is a bad thing, it happens to be some of my favorite reads on my reading list). I'm going to use nicknames for family members to protect their identities. And here are the changes; I'm going to widen the scope of my writing. I'm going to open the door on the craziness of my businesses, my adventures through real life, and occasionally I may just rant. And, I'm changing the nick names. I will continue to blog an entry within an hour, which means you will still see typos. I will continue to use this forum as if no one is reading it to quiet the voices in my head.

That's it, I'm looking forward to Part 2. I find it pathetic that I'm such a hard core optimist.

I'm not the only one drinking

Market Photos

The above is all hand made soaps.

I know that one thing that has increased in the last year, as long as I'm on that topic, is my drinking. It is not like I get drunk every night. Frankly, its not like I get drunk ever. But I do now like and enjoy a cocktail or glass of wine in the evening. Even if my groom is out of town/working late, it is not unusual for me to open a bottle of wine once I've go the boys to bed (if I didn't already open it during for their bath time!).

I used to drink red wine. But frankly, the good stuff is too expensive to spend the money on at the moment. I've switched to white; it is easier to find a good cheap white than a good cheap red. Or the cheapest is alcohol, as in the martini. Which we now have more often. I think it is because you only need one a night, so the bottles go much further.

Enough about my own habits. Last week and article in the July Parents magazine caught my eye. It was about food substitution; specifically if you like 'x' than eat 'y' instead for great flavor and less calories. More impressive they had a page devoted to alcohol.

If you like...... then order.......
Margaritas ........ Vodka, Lime Juice, & Seltzer
(309 calories) vs. (72 calories)

Pina Coladas .........Coconut Rum & Pineapple Juice
(247 calories) vs. (117 calories)

White wine ......Champagne
(121 calories) vs. (108 calories)

Daiquiris ......Sangria
(264 calories) vs. (102 calories)

So OBVIOUSLY I'm not the only Mom drinking.

Then today I went on the Parents website to look for Birthday cake ideas and they were hosting a quiz about what do you do to relax on a hectic day (and really as a mom when is a day not hectic?)? I chose a glass of wine, which when they showed the results was the leading choice among quiz takers.

So my conclusion, we are not the generation of cocaine. We are the generation of staying active with the kids, not hiding them in the closet, and this takes alcohol. But there is another choice, the editor of Parents and I should stop drinking together.

Anniversary

Wild horses in Provence, kind of sums up the last year.

One year ago today I became the mother of two.

My world turned upside down between that day and this.

I'm better for it. In so many ways.

I wanted to write something profound, but this covers it.

A year ago

Marseille at night & prayers to a saint.

There are so many things I didn't know a year ago.

I knew the adoption process and paperwork were frustrating. I didn't know that adding a child to my life would be such an immensely distressing personal event. I didn't know that "the adjustment" was on both his and my side. I didn't know I would come to question my own choice in the action.

I did know my husband was a good guy. I just didn't know if I could stand another minute with him.

I did know I loved my first born. I didn't know that he would become a pillar of strength for me from which to watch and learn.

I knew I wasn't my job/career. I knew it had lost its passion for me. I didn't know that I would lose my job/career. I didn't know I would come to worry about finances as I never had in my life. That I would choose a new career that followed my passions but offers no security. I would redirect, but not reinvent myself.

I knew I was taking on more responsibility. I didn't know that it was too much. I have learned to say no more, not just to others, but more importantly to me. I don't try to do it all. I still want to do it all and the 'will to try' is a hard fire to stop.

I've learned to love myself, my hubby, my children. I've know now that I can flow, adapt. I've learned to learn from others; not to go it all alone. I've missed my friends that I've lost, but I've gained new friends (just the story of life circumstances). I'm thankful for those that have gone the distance and just stayed (it hasn't been easy to be my friend this year; I've missed dates and been out much less). I'm sorry for those friends I didn't make, as life was just too much for me to connect with anyone. There are times when I missed me this last year. And I'm sure there will be times when I get lost again. But I know from this year that I can always eventually find me, my way, my heart again. I could cry everyday. I never knew I would hit this point. And I know it is not the worst place to be.