A year ago

Marseille at night & prayers to a saint.

There are so many things I didn't know a year ago.

I knew the adoption process and paperwork were frustrating. I didn't know that adding a child to my life would be such an immensely distressing personal event. I didn't know that "the adjustment" was on both his and my side. I didn't know I would come to question my own choice in the action.

I did know my husband was a good guy. I just didn't know if I could stand another minute with him.

I did know I loved my first born. I didn't know that he would become a pillar of strength for me from which to watch and learn.

I knew I wasn't my job/career. I knew it had lost its passion for me. I didn't know that I would lose my job/career. I didn't know I would come to worry about finances as I never had in my life. That I would choose a new career that followed my passions but offers no security. I would redirect, but not reinvent myself.

I knew I was taking on more responsibility. I didn't know that it was too much. I have learned to say no more, not just to others, but more importantly to me. I don't try to do it all. I still want to do it all and the 'will to try' is a hard fire to stop.

I've learned to love myself, my hubby, my children. I've know now that I can flow, adapt. I've learned to learn from others; not to go it all alone. I've missed my friends that I've lost, but I've gained new friends (just the story of life circumstances). I'm thankful for those that have gone the distance and just stayed (it hasn't been easy to be my friend this year; I've missed dates and been out much less). I'm sorry for those friends I didn't make, as life was just too much for me to connect with anyone. There are times when I missed me this last year. And I'm sure there will be times when I get lost again. But I know from this year that I can always eventually find me, my way, my heart again. I could cry everyday. I never knew I would hit this point. And I know it is not the worst place to be.