At the beginning of dinner I confessed to her, "I've been depressed. I'm angry too much. I even have been avoiding writing the truth on my blog." She said tell me what is going on, and I did, and her response, "everything sounds good so why are you depressed?"
So yes, it is time for out with the ugly. And frankly, I've confessed it to about half a dozen people in the last 24 hours and all have agreed with the sentiment. None have ran for the hills. And unlike my husbands concern about whether the boys are wearing underwear or not, no one has given me the "she's crazy" or "those poor kids" looks.
I'm not sure I was ever meant to be a Mom.
There. That's it. It's not like I'm going to run off to a Greek island and change my name and hide from the family; fantasize about it yes, do it no. It's not like there is any major change to make in my life; I've already made tons by my own choice and I'm owning them. It's just I still think about the obligation and am not always happy to have it. I would never change my current situation, I just wonder a bit how I got here. I wonder why did I think this was a good idea. I think there are other people who love their kids more than I love mine. There are other people who are better parents than me.
I think the work on the toy partially brought this on. The world of advertising is in the "Mommy Blog" industry. Ironic right; I'm writing a mommy blog to keep my sanity and others write to make a living. Trying to find the right blogs which accept advertising to serve as a conduit to the buying public has lead me to look at hundreds of mommy blogs (there are thousands of them). It shows in that occasionally I add a new blog to my reading list here on my blog. But there are thousands of bloggers out there that are so more into being a mom then me. Hundreds of stay-at-home moms that write about the JOYS of parenting. I've decided either they are lying, or maybe, and most likely, I'm just wired like them, I was incorrectly programmed.
Furthermore, there are some excellent writers out there. Not the wandering thoughts of my tired-end-0f-the-day-thought-that-if-I-don't-get-this-out-and-on-paper-it-will-haunt-me-all-night-if-not-for-days. Many of my post are written after a glass, or more, of wine.
The good news, I'm thankful that anyone reads. And thankful that I have this outlet to calm my demons. I'm into my boys, committed as a mom, and will do the best I can, although I know there may be more romantic mommies out there. And I'm glad the toddler years lead to adolescence. Glad that adolescence leads to adulthood. Because I need to know the work, the grind, the just getting it done of basic baby/child care is temporary. I'm the kind of mom that needs to know that one day my day will be mine and the boys will manage themselves. I'm the kind of mom that doesn't worry about the "empty nest syndrome".
And tonight, a boulder is off my shoulders for admitting all of this.
3 comments:
You don't know how much I appreciate your honesty. Thanks for keeping it real. I'm looking forward to having a few glasses of wine with you in FL.
Angela - You're not alone in your doubt, in your honesty and in your integrity for putting it out there. I think there are Mommies who put out the good, and Mommies who put out the good, bad and ugly on their blogs. I also think that to compare yourself to the "awesome and cool/collected" Mommy bloggers out there is so unfair to you...you're only seeing their children in crisp Easter dresses and the images and imagery they are choosing to share with you. Not many moms have the courage to admit that at times they feel like they're in the trenches and may or may not come out of the battle alive at the end of a day. You do. And you do it with grace and confidence that your children are in the fore-front of your thoughts and actions.
You convey with every post that you are a good, great and dedicated mom - even in this one! I have felt so many times how you are feeling right now, and I am CERTAIN we are not alone, even if those romantic and fancy moms won't admit it!
Wonderful post. Young children are labor intensive. They demand so much of your constant physical and mental attention. And in my experience young boys require all the more physical diligence. But, children's needs change as they grow, and mothering changes in turn. I suspect that when more of the you "that you love or identify with" begind to be required in your mothering role, the more you will begin to see yourself as "meant to be a mom." I know this thought could be clearer (perhaps I should have had a glass of wine first). For me it's not as much about whether I was meant to be a mom, but whether I am any good at it in a way that is truly meaningful to me. Now for the wine.
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