Mother's Day

I wanted to right something beautiful about being a mom or mom feelings, frankly, I wasn't feeling it. I tried to feel motherly yesterday; but I just felt tired. The weight of the world is a bit much lately. Its the jobs, the rent, the having to push forward daily. But I did get a solid 30 minutes of absolute joy making banana bread with the boys (video below). It is amazing how the fighting, shouting, general energy becomes focused when beating a banana to smithereens. but once the bread is in the oven, the boys were off to louder adventures.

Yeah, I love my boys. And for the first time, I was a mom to two amazing little guys on this Mother's Day. However, no romance, no out pourings of love, just another Sunday filled with trying to organize, clean up and get things done. The one major exception was Friday. My Big Boy came home from preschool with a present for me. It is a little box he pasted "jewels" on that has a picture and note from him inside. This I love. This is actually my first real Mother's Day present! And the note - "I love you mom. I love to take the garbage out with you."

Its a tough one, the "Mother's Day" holiday in general. Are supposed we to celebrate "motherhood" or just give thanks to our moms for not killing us when they had the chance? I love my mom, and she's a reader, so "hey mom, I love you, thanks for taking care of me, thanks for not killing me when you had the chance, and sorry for all the crap I put you through."

I thought about my Little Man's birth mom, and frankly no great emotions this time around. She is not one of my readers, that I know of, but a shout out to her, "thanks for not killing him when you had the chance. He's doing good, he's growing, and although he knows no better, he loves his family very much."

To my boys, on motherhood, "Guys I love you. I know I'm not the best mom. I'm not even the mom I want to be. Lately I'm so tired, I'm not even awake when I want to be. But, I'm doing my best, I don't think you'll be permanently scared. I think with time, I'll find greater balance and we'll have more fun."

To my husband, "I know you don't think Mother's Day is a real holiday. That we should not be celebrated for doing what is expected. You are an asshole, you take a lot of fun out of it. Sometimes I just I need a day."

And finally to all the moms of the world, "If we teach our children to love one another as much as we love them, we will transform the world."